JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JMarsh
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JEAN MARSH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 November 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Jean Marsh in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we have four, well, we have one less experienced, and three very experienced players of the game who are going to try and speak for Just A Minute if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And weíll begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek would you talk on the subject of rude words for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Sucks to you! And run off! And push off! And clear away! Are fairly rude words, but it can be used I suppose in a different sense of the word. (elongating vowels) In the form of rude meaning cross or crucifix. The rude screen as you know, is that which separated the main aisle of the church from the choir. And there the great two pieces of wood that go like that, are stuck behind this...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, heís doing funny voices!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Thatís a disgrace! Youíre supposed to use a normal voice!

NP: I know Kenneth...

KW: Iím always normal, I am! Always! Heís doing an abnormal voice!

NP: Heís doing your turn, in fact, isnít he!

KW: Yes! No! Eh?

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well what is the basis of your challenge?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Because you shouldnít deviate from your normal voice! (starts laughing)

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think you have committed yourself out of your own mouth! Thatís an incorrect challenge, itís a lovely idea, especially coming from you, kenneth! I disagree with it so he can do whatever he likes so long as he doesnít deviate from the subject on the card. There are 35 seconds on rude words with you Derek still starting now.

DN: A quarter of an acre is a particularly rude word, in the sense that it means perch or po. But I suppose that one could think in terms of crude, vulgar, primitive...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of crude.

NP: Yes indeed and Peter, correct challenge there. And you now take over the subject...

DN: Where? I didnít say crude!

PJ: You said crude in the er first thing.

DN: I said rude.

PJ: Crude, crucifix or something you said.

DN: No, no, no, no, no, no!

PJ: Well thatís what it sounded like. Your diction isnít too good, I know!

NP: I must say I thought you did say crude before. Itís very difficult.

DN: Well time will...

NP: Do you think he said crude before?

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre always the final judges! Derek you keep the subject and there are 20 seconds on rude words starting now.

DN: I think that it is great fun to go behind Nicholas Parsonsí back, and say something absolutely incredibly mean to him! Like you great big fathead! Why donít you improve your chairmanship of this panel! Otherwise weíll have you discarded and put down in the road where you rightfully belong...

WHISTLE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! I donít appreciate the applause!

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek youíve got three points, youíre the only one to score at the end of that round. And Kenneth you have the subject now. Will you start it. My secret, 60 seconds beginning now.

KW: Itís impossible to reveal! That is why it is my secret...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If itís impossible to reveal it, he might as well pass on to somebody else!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: A good challenge and the audience applause tells me that probably you deserve a point. A bonus point for a good challenge, but he was not deviating from the subject on the card. So he stays with my secret with 56 seconds to go starting now.

KW: (very very slowly) While I cannot tell of it, I can speak about the reason that it exists. Now, it comes under the heading of talent. This is not something which can be acquired! Oh no! Itís given, and it occurs at birth! Indeed it was once remarked the public may know a lot of things about a man, but they constitute his reputation. As to his character, his creator alone can know of that! I should never contradict such a judgement uttered by an ancient...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of contradict.

NP: Yeah he didnít...

KW: I never said contradict!

NP: I donít think he said contradict before.

PJ: I thought he did.

NP: No...

KW: You think everything, you, just to get points!

PJ: Well I wanted to come in. Just droning on and on! I had to say something!

NP: Yes youíre quite right...

PJ: He was boring me into the ground here!

NP: He had five and a half seconds to go so you tried to get in. But he didnít succeed Kenneth, so a wrong challenge, another point to you, five and a half seconds, my secret starting now.

KW: Rubbing in a little witch-hazel, and then applying the cotton wool which keeps it moist...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went which as you know means he gets the extra point. And Kenneth you have got three points and you have leapt into the lead alongside Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And er Jean Marsh weíve yet to hear from you and will you begin the next round for us. And the subject that Ian Messiterís decided on for you is pyramid selling. I hope you know something about it because weíd like you to talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

JEAN MARSH: There are many forms of pyramid selling. Of course Pharaohs never sold their pyramids! In the days of yore in ancient Egypt, I wonít specify the date because the erudite Kenneth Williams will buzz me, in case itís wrong, pyramids were sold, but not, as I said before, by the head people. They were sold by soothsayers who would order an enormous and costly and good one and then in about 20 years when it was nearly ready, they would go up in the world and maybe get a better job, up river. And they would put it up for sale. They would simply place a sign outside in hieroglyphics saying ďfor sale, unfurnished, owner gone abroadĒ. And when theyíd gone upriver they would start building another one. There is another kind of pyramid selling...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of another.

JM: Quite right!

DN: I was going, I was wondering who was going to be the first to be a cad...

NP: Yes...

DN: ... and I thought it would be you!

NP: Peter there are 14 seconds left on pyramid selling starting now.

PJ: Itís a kind of commercialised form of chain letter, on the principle that everything multiplies and more people can get positions and create wealth for the people on the lower...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter you have leapt into the lead at the end of that round alongside Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. So youíre all equal again and Jean Marsh is trailing just behind you...

JM: Some are less equal than others!

NP: Oh the three men are equal at the moment and you are on your own Jean, which is as it should be. Peter ah would you begin the next round please, laying an egg. Probably havenít any personal experience from the um biological point of view but um weíve all had professional experience of that and maybe you can tell us about one of yours in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I have done this, theatrically speaking, in a number of places. Because we call flops laying an egg...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, we donít call it anything of the kind! And Iíve never heard such rubbish!

PJ: Well you have so little to do with flops! Iíve been in them all my theatrical life!

NP: I thought you were going to...

PJ: Thatís what they call laying an egg! He laid an egg in Newcastle, or he laid an egg...

NP: Peter Iím with you, or if you have a flop of any kind, then you can say that you laid an egg. Itís a correct expression Kenneth, even though obviously, as Peter says, you have had such success all your life, you donít know what it means.

PJ: Until tonight!

NP: So Peter...

KW: Well itís an insult Iíll have to swallow!

NP: Fifty seconds left on laying an egg, with you Peter starting now.

PJ: But thinking of our feathered friends, it must be incredibly difficult. I suppose the best way, if one were one, would be to stand with oneís legs firmly apart...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh challenged, why?

JM: An awful lot of ones. I mean, Iíve so far counted five since you...

NP: Well I only counted four, but weíll give it to you anyway!

PJ: Yes.

NP: Jean you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 38 seconds on laying, laying an egg starting now.

JM: In my acres in Oxfordshire, Luslow Ridge, which Kenneth Williams has often visited for luncheon, I have a few chickens and they do lay eggs. They make beautiful ones, dark brown firm ones with deep yellow yolks. And I... (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation on the grounds of a general pack-up!

NP: Derek I agree with your challenge, there are 21 seconds on laying an egg starting now.

DN: Well to lay an egg must be much easier for a bird I suppose. But a terrible strain, I would have thought, particularly if one happened to be either a kiwi or an ostrich. Because the size of eggs are quite enormous. And can you imagine this poor little dear feathered creature, crouching...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged, before, just before you got to the crouch.

JM: Ostriches are enormous, poor little feathered creatures!

NP: I quite agree Jean and youíve got in again very cleverly with three seconds to go, laying an egg starting now.

JM: I probably will lay an egg, later on in the programme...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Jean may be new to the game, but youíve got the trick of getting in before the whistle. She got the point for speaking when the whistle, sheís leapt forward alongside Kenneth into second place, sheís equal with him. Theyíre both one point behind Derek and Peter who are equal in the lead. And Derek you begin the next round, the subject is common sense and would you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I have absolutely no common sense. In fact Iím incredibly foolish! Iíve traded for the whole of my professional career on the absolute total idiot! When people meet me and they say, in the street, they say ďwhatho, old fruit, arenít you around the twist!Ē And I say ďIím afraid I quite agree with you, I am rather stupid...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged, why?

JM: Repetition of stupid.

NP: Yes thatís perfectly correct Jean, you have 41 seconds on common sense starting now.

JM: Common sense in my book means looking after the common which is very near my acres in Oxfordshire. A lot of people park their cars on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek has challenged first.

DN: Showing off! She keeps talking about her acres in Oxfordshire all the time!

NP: She may have been showing off, but she wasnít deviating from the subject on the card. So Jean gets another point and 31 seconds on common sense starting now.

JM: The trouble with the common is that itís available for all the passers-by, trippers and picnickers. They drive...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Snobbery! She doesnít want the common people like me to go on her common! Sheer blatant fledgley-ridged snobbery!

JM: I donít mind...

NP: But she was still not deviating from the subject on the card of common sense. And so she keeps it with another point and 26 seconds starting now.

JM: Iím thrilled that all the common people should use the common, if only they use their sense at the same time! I donít like them parking their cars on it. They leave butts in the ah common...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged again.

DN: Hesitation er.

NP: Yes. Heís got a point for that, heís got 16 seconds on common sense starting now.

DN: In future I shall have sufficient common sense not to challenge Miss Marsh because quite obviously the chairman is nearly always on her...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís discussing the chairman and Jean Marsh, not common sense. Weíre deviating, Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, itís obvious, itís not obvious that the chairman is on the side of Jean Marsh. In fact, heís being, trying to be as fair as he can. Arenít I being as fair as I can?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Precisely! Hear hear!

NP: So that is definite deviation, I agree with you Kenneth. You have a point and there are nine seconds on common sense starting now.

KW: This is the kind of sense attributed to the non-specialist as opposed to, shall we say, philosopher or mathematician or...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point and a very interesting competition once again. Because Peterís gone back in to fourth place. Heís one point behind Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams who are equal in second place. And Jean Marsh is our leader, who is one point ahead! And Kenneth you have the subject now, Igor Stravinsky. Would you talk about him...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why do you laugh? He knows a lot about all these people. Thatís why Ian Messiter thinks of the subjects for him. Igor Stravinsky and there are 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well all I do know about him is that when the Mavinsky was doing these ballets, and of course the Archabele did the music for Patrishka. And he settled, as you all know, in America because he took up that countryís um national...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation. (laughs) I donít particularly want the subject!

NP: All right and I donít think it was hesitation then.

DN: Oh all right, oh thatís fine!

NP: There are 32 seconds on Igor Stravinsky, Kenneth starting now.

KW: And he was born in the 19th century, and influenced greatly by Orgenbergen Schermberg with the 12 turn scales...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He wasnít born in the 19th century. Was he?

KW: Eighteen something...

NP: Eighteen something.

PJ: Oh was it?

NP: Heís still.

PJ: Nineteen-oh-one, I thought it was.

NP: No, no...

PJ: Youíre not certain though, are you!

NP: I donít know the exact date, I know he was born...

KW: It was 1890.

NP: Yes, 23 um seconds left on Igor Stravinsky, Kenneth starting now.

KW: Perhaps one of the greater of his now classics...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of greater, Iím afraid.

NP: Yes we did have a greater before. So this time Derek...

KW: Oh that was a reference to greater London! Itís hyphenated, isnít it!

NP: Eighteen seconds with you Derek on Igor Stravinsky starting now.

DN: And as they so wisely used to say, the greatest by far, in the ranks of the Tsar, is Igor Stravinsky...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Heís quoting er, a dirty piece of doggerel. And it is deviation, and the rhyme is not about Igor, itís about Ivor. So therefore itís deviation of the worst kind, and extremely corrupting!

NP: Yes it is and youíve got a point Kenneth and there are 10 seconds on Igor Stravinsky starting now.

KW: The Symphony of Psalms is one of his better known works. Also In Memoriam to JFK which was indeed one of the greatest tributes...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Igor Stravinsky helped Kenneth to take a commanding lead over nearly everybody else...

KW: Quite right! Quite right!

NP: ... at th end of that round. Jean Marsh would you begin the next round and the subject is things on the top of the wardrobe. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

JM: I donít like to think about the things that are on top of my wardrobe. I throw them up there in a bad temper. They usually cost a lot of money and are very nasty. In my occasional lapses of good taste, very rare, as Kenneth Williams will tell you. (laughs) I, I, say that...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of I and hesitation.

NP: A tough challenge! Anyway Derek you have 45 seconds on the things on the top of the wardrobe starting now.

DN: Well one of the things that I find very often on the top of my wardrobe is myself! Because on hot summer evenings, I climb on to it because I have a little fanlight neat the top of my...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of I.

NP: Well, I have to be accurate in the terms of the game. Peter, correct challenge, 35 seconds on the things on the top of the wardrobe starting now.

PJ: Well out of sight is out of mind...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: I couldnít resist repe... the...

BUZZ

PJ: Hesitation!

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: You actually hesitated on your own challenge, you great fool!

DN: I know I did!

NP: Thirty-one seconds with you Derek on things on top of the wardrobe starting now.

DN: Also I keep my bucket and spade there. Because itís terribly useful in the summer months. And I rush down to Clapton. I have also my shooting net. Now this is terribly important. I donít know whether many of you are interested in crustacea, but if you do have one of these aforementioned pieces of equipment, if you keep it on the top of your wardrobe, the dust collates on the top of the wardrobe with this piece of machinery and forms a very fine fluffy mesh which is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of piece. Piece of equipment and piece of ah...

DN: Absolutely right! Well done Peter!

NP: And there are six seconds Peter, another point to you as well for a correct challenge, things on the top of the wardrobe starting now.

PJ: Thinking of old tennis shoes and long forgotten hospital equipment...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones both moved forward in that round but theyíre still behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. Peter...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You did bring the friends after all, Kenneth! Peter the subject with you now is euphoria. We donít always associate it with you, but more with Kenneth actually. But um...

PJ: Oh thanks

NP: Can you talk on this for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well this is a state of being which can be induced artificially with marijuana or pot I suppose. Some people can make themselves feel euphoric by drinking, or even eating huge meals. And others rely more on criticisms, always um...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, once he got to the criticism. I couldnít quite think how criticism could give you...

PJ: Well I meant favourable criticism.

NP: Yes I know, and you couldnít keep going. You suddenly realised youíd gone up an alley you couldnít return from and you hesitated.

PJ: That puts it in a nutshell really!

NP: Jean Marsh, I agree with your challenge and you have 36 and a half seconds on euphoria Jean starting now.

JM: Euphoria is an almost permanent state of my being. I was born lucky! I was born extra...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: You were born twice!

NP: Yes, but if you were quick Jean, youíd say you were being reborn the second time! But anyway you did repeat the word so 29 seconds on euphoria with you Derek starting now.

DN: On the 25th of July 1971, there were four ballet dancers walking down the Strand, and this policeman shouted out (Cockney voice) ďyou four here! Come on!Ē And they walked towards him and said (camp voice) ďand whatís the matter darling?Ē And he said (Cockney voice) ďI want to know what youíre walking down like that forĒ. And they said ďwell...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of walking.

NP: Yes, and we missed the payoff. What was it Derek?

DN: Oh I made it up!

NP: (camp voice) All right so youíve got the subject now Peter dear. Euphoria and there are 13 seconds starting now.

PJ: Itís a nice state of mind to be in...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmoís...

DN: Repetition of mind. When he was talking about, you know, aids to euphoria before, he talked about the mind.

NP: Yes you did say about state of mind when you were talking about it before. Ten seconds with you Derek on euphoria starting now.

DN: This tremendous sense of well-being and ecstasy can be induced by very simple things...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation there, euphoria is nothing to do with a sense of well-being. Itís to do with a sense you have appalling latitude. Itís nothing to do with well-being. A lot of people suffering from euphoria are in a very very bad way indeed.

NP: Kenneth, maybe they are, but really most people think of euphoria as a great sense of well-being. And I disagree with your challenge...

KW: Well I think itís ludicrous! Iíve come all this way! I mean, my, my, my viewpoint doesnít seem to me even to be respected!

NP: Oh itís respected Kenneth. Itís respected but I disagree with it because Iíve got to try and be accurate. And there are two seconds with Derek on euphoria starting now.

DN: So he said ďyou four hereĒ, and he said ďyou canít count, there are five of us...Ē

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: No! That was a rather clever bit because Peter did actually press his buzzer. But Derek had repeated ďyou four hereĒ before, but he didnít get in before the whistle so Derek got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went, and heís moved into the lead ahead of Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Kenneth itís your turn to begin. The subject is my station. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: Of course I donít own a railway station, but I presume this refers to my position in life. It is a humble station. As this subject obviously could be something of a conundrum, it would be best to discuss Paddington, which used to be the GWR. Chocolate and gold, with the livery they wore. How beautiful to take the Cornish Riviera Express and see the beauty of the English coastline at your elbow, and while you were having a meal. Often some of the best wines that were laid down in this country came from the cellar of that incredible railway country. Would that they were all private today and that the rightful owners had restored to them the property the Government has wickedly taken from under their noses! This party...

WHISTLE

LAUGHTER FROM PJ, DN, JM AND NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well the...

PJ: This is a party political broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party!

NP: I was saying more or less the same thing!

KW: I mean I had these shares in hooks and eyes, they went to nothing when zip fasteners came in!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Nobody used the hooks and eyes!

NP: I wouldnít advertise your politics any more! But it was a very partisan speech which went down extremely well, even if they didnít know what they were cheering for! Except they were obviously cheering you! And you did jolly well. Actually you were away from my station, you were on about the GWR and the, the wines laid down! My station?

KW: That is wine that was placed on the station!

NP: Kingís Cross is your station, we all know that anyway! Itís all LNER!

KW: No it isnít!

NP: Iím the same age as you Kenneth...

KW: Oh Kingís Cross was the Great Northern, I beg your pardon!

NP: Yes can I give the final score now?

KW: Oh!

NP: At the end of this particular game...

PJ: If youíre the same age as Kenneth, you must go to different plastic surgeons!

KW: Yes!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iíd love to know who do you thinkís got the good plastic surgeon! Ah Iíll give you the final scores. Jean Marsh, returning to join us again did extremely well. Didnít quite beat the chaps, but that was to be expected. She finished in fourth place just one point behind Peter Jones, who was a few points behind Kenneth Williams, who with a last final euphoric flourish didnít quite manage to overtake our leader, who was once again this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassells.