JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 December 1973)

NOTE: Bob Oliver Rogers's first show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four contestants if they can speak for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you talk on Stephen Leacock, 60...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: For 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Educated at McGale University. And known for The Economic Prosperity Of Great Britain, a volume which I must say bears the imprint or should I say influence of Milton... Milton, Milton, Milton...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Milton, Milton...

NP: Milton, Milton...

KW: No, I was thinking of Maynard Keynes and I was thinking of Milton Keynes which is a city! Thatís where I got mixed up!

NP: We donít mind what you were trying to say Kenneth...

KW: Thatís what I was after! I was after the name of the economist you see. Because Leacock was a very famous economist, I mean, heís known nowadays really for his humorous stuff but actually he began...

NP: Kenneth! Youíve lost the subject!

KW: What?

NP: Save it in case you get the subject back! Youíve lost it to Clement Freud with a correct challenge!

KW: Yes but itís still better if I go on. Because I can see that woman there is agog to hear more! I can see, look at her! Sheís gone red! Look at her! Sheís expecting to hear more! Do you see what I mean?

NP: Yes we want to hear some more but not now!

KW: Oh!

NP: Clement Freud has a point for a correct challenge and there are 40 seconds on Stephen Leacock, Clement starting now.

CF: I think one of my favourite stories of his is called The Man Who Knew Coolidge. And concerns an individual, probably the author himself, who at university had come across the President of the United States and realised instantly how great the man was. Because he once went up to him...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of man.

NP: Yes there was more than one man. And so Peter you have a correct challenge and 24 seconds on Stephen Leacock starting now.

PJ: Well Iím terribly sorry to have missed this story about the man who knew Coolidge. However there are ah others and ah...

BUZZ

NP: And Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation about the others.

NP: Yes it was a very sharp one Andree. But you havenít been with us a while, I naturally will give it to you...

CF: Do you mean if sheíd been with us longer, it would have been less sharp?

NP: Yes!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ, AM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: No Clement, I donít mean that! I mean that as it was a sharp challenge, I may not have given it to you or to Kenneth. But I will give it to Andree with 16 seconds Andree on Stephen Leacock starting now.

AM: The only Stephen Leacock I ever knew was about eight and had red hair and freckles, and kissed me in the locker room of the prep school...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Deviation! This is disgraceful! Iíve not come here, Iíve not come here to listen to the confessions of a scarlet woman! About being kissed...

NP: It wasnít a scarlet woman at the year, at the age of eight...

KW: She said he had red hair, didnít she?

NP: He had the red hair, not Andree!

KW: Well itís scarlet enough, isnít it! I mean this is a family show! Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street!

NP: I still think Andree was not deviating from Stephen Leacock. And even if she was in the locker room, she has yet to become scarlet. Maybe you were embarrassed and became scarlet at the thought! There are nine seconds on Stephen Leacock, Andree starting now.

AM: Stephen Leacock was very embarrassed. I think heíd been dared to do it and he didnít enjoy it very much. I remember it well myself because it was the first time...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of remember.

NP: Yes you did remember before Andree.

AM: Yes I did.

NP: Clementís got in with only three seconds to go on Stephen Leacock starting now.

CF: The man went...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No, donít be rotten!

KW: It was definitely, wasnít it!

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes! They agree! Theyíre all agreed!

NP: Well I have to be fair. Two and a half seconds on Stephen Leacock, Clement starting now.

CF: The manager of the bank said...

WHISTLE

KW: Thatís a disgrace! That had nothing to do with Stephen Leacock!

NP: Clement Freud got an extra point then for speaking when the whistle went, and at the end of the first round, he has a lead. Quite a commanding lead over the others. Clement itís your turn to begin, weíd like you to talk on the subject of aestheticism for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: Aestheticism is the sort of word that is in at the moment. In that ecologists...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: In that, in, two ins.

NP: Yes the in was so definite that I will allow it Andree, and say that you have 54 seconds Andree on aestheticism starting now.

AM: My admiration of Kenneth Williamsí nostrils could be called pure aestheticism! They are not of this earth! They are delicate in their beauty! And make me think of higher things! The curve, the aristocratic wide... edifice... (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

KW: Who stopped her! Who dared to stop her! Who dared! She was doing lovely, wasnít she!

NP: Peter Jones stopped her.

PJ: I did, it was getting up my nose!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes! I know! Yes it would, wouldnít it! Itís not him thatís the subject, thatís why! Itís quite infuriating! She was doing lovely!

NP: So what is the challenge?

PJ: Nothing to do with aestheticism!

KW: Of course it is! Have a look at my conk, mate! You can see what itís got to do with it!

NP: Well I quite agree, I mean itís...

KW: No, you mustnít agree! What are you talking about! My nose has been compared with Helen of Troy!

NP: I...

KW: Helen of Troy!

PJ: I think itís appalling!

KW: How dare you! You want to shut your mouth, mate! Iíll get you after!

PJ: What!

KW: Iíll get you after!

PJ: I mean, in these days of plastic surgery, thereís no excise for anyone to be walking about like that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: What a mean advantage! I had to have that operation mate, because I couldnít breathe through either passage! Both of them were bunged! I was bunged up completely! Thatís why I had to have a rebore!

NP: Ah...

KW: I had to have a rebore! Right the way through!

NP: Kenneth we werenít talking about your rebore!

PJ: We were talking about your bore actually!

NP: Andree was not deviating from the subject so she keeps it and there are 38 seconds left Andree starting now.

AM: I suppose I have to go on with this subject which in a way I felt I had perhaps ah um...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah.

NP: So whatís your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed and there are 32 seconds Clement on aestheticism starting now.

CF: Perhaps a field of daffodils at dusk sums up this better than anything else. I remember once calling into the north part of Great Yarmouth. And there where the sand dunes ended and the Dutch had planted bulbs, they sprang up, yellow, and fervently passionately beautiful and I...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement, Kenneth Williams...

KW: This is deviation. This is nothing to do with aesthetics. Itís to do with a trip to Yarmouth!

NP: But the Dutch planted bulbs on, near the beach at Great Yarmouth.

KW: Yeah, what were the Dutch doing in Yarmouth? Thatís another thing! Thatís deviation!

NP: They didnít, in little Holland they planted their...

KW: Of course! Itís got nothing to do with Yarmouth! Itís all deviation!

NP: There are no bulbs there on the beach at Great Yarmouth!

KW: Of course! Deviation!

NP: Yes of course Kenneth. You have 10 seconds on aestheticism starting now.

KW: I suppose it would be best summed up in the words of William Morris. Who did so much for the art nouveau of England. The pre-Raphaelite school owed a great deal to his beautiful...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went so he gets an extra point which of course Iíve forgotten...

KW: Does that mean Iím in the lead?

NP: No, but youíre catching up with Clement Freud whoís still in the lead. Andree Mellyís in second place.

KW: Oh!

NP: But Peterís turn to begin. Peter, innuendo. A great deal of that in our programme. Would you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Yes, I donít really like it very much. Itís a kind of sly way of making digs at people. And um...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well hesitation, and er.

NP: I think so Kenneth, yes, 52 seconds on innuendo Kenneth starting now.

KW: I donít think that what Mister Peter Jones...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, I disagree with that one. Fifty seconds on innuendo with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Innuendo can be the source of a lot of humour, and some of it very pleasant indeed. Because it takes the place of an open insult, the kind of sheer malignant, malevolent rudeness which is so often indulged in by the illiterate and the comic manquť, that I find this almost, so to speak, a safety valve. Where your imagination is allowed full rein! And we can form...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: ... yes, you see, somebody else feels it too! The incredible...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged again.

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: If somebody else felt it too!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right, a very good challenge, a good laugh. But we wonít take the subject away. We wonít give any points for that. Leave the subject with Kenneth with nine seconds to go on innuendo starting now.

KW: And of course it has been...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: He said of course before.

NP: I know he has, he often...

KW: Itís a part of speech dear! Youíve got to say ďandĒ!

NP: Oh itís very difficult, you have to watch your of courses. So um Clement that was a correct challenge with seven seconds on innuendo starting now.

CF: When I saw you the other night with three ladies, none of which as far as I know, were your wife...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got an extra point then again for speaking when the whistle went and heís increased his lead at the end of that round. Andree Melly your turn to begin, the subject is people I like. Would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: All the people I like, Iím afraid, have to have one thing in common. And that is that they have to like me. I am a Virgo if you know what I mean, being born in September. And one of the things about us is that we do like to be liked very much. People ah that think I ah am...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Forty seconds on people I like, Clement starting now.

CF: On the other hand, antelopes I canít stand. People are absolutely all right. Some of my very best friends belong to the human race. When you get to an elephant or a rhinoceros, nay, let alone a rat, mouse, or kangaroo, Iím very much less in favour altogether. But people I like. To begin with, all those in the A to D Classified London Directory, are particularly close to my heart. But even the E to K, I wouldnít speak against...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two ďtosĒs. A to D, E to K.

NP: All right, a tough challenge...

SCATTERED APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: You had a wealth of applause behind you there!

NP: A tough challenge but it was legitimate, so I give it to you Kenneth, and there are nine and a half...

CF: You canít repeat...

NP: What?

CF: ... T-O twice?

NP: Well...

KW: You got me for of course! And of course is just as much a part of speech as ďtoĒ! So there! So there! Do you understand I am going to come right back! Do you think Iím going to sit here taking it, lying down?

NP: Yes well done, youíve made your point. The audience are with you. Nine and a half seconds, people I like, Kenneth starting now.

KW: People I like are forthcoming! They have no inhibitions at all! They say ďhello darling, come right in, put your feet up and have a cup of tea!Ē Thereís no...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, Kenneth Williams speaking when the whistle went...

KW: Has leapt in to the lead! Go on! Say it! Iím in the lead!

NP: Not yet! Youíre still in second place! So thereís still a chance. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the subject, getting into trouble. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: When I landed in Bombay, I was taken to a transit camp. Calleyanne was the name of it. The night was boiling hot, the kind of tropical heat to which I was not used. I was put on armoury guard duty. We had to pace the perimeter, meet the other sentry, say ďall was wellĒ, and continue the guard duty. I had a fag!

BUZZ

KW: I know it was wrong but I couldnít help myself because the nerves was telling on me. And suddenly this officer came up to me and said ďare you smoking?Ē And I said ďoh! Oh yes! I was so nervous I couldnít help myself! You see itís the heat!Ē He said ďyouíre on a charge...Ē

NP: Youíve been challenged. You know that?

KW: Who by?

NP: Peter Jones.

KW: Great nit, he is, isnít he!

PJ: Well...

KW: Great nit isnít he!

PJ: He did repeat several things.

KW: Such as?

PJ: Heat was the last thing.

NP: Yes.

PJ: And er he repeated er before that...

KW: I didnít! I said hot at first and I said I didnít, I was not used to the heat.

NP: No, he challenged...

PJ: Oh he did but I was very interested in the story really.

NP: He was trying to let you go, but once you repeated guard, he felt you couldnít.

KW: No that was a hyphenated! Guard duty as opposed to guard!

NP: Weíve had this before...

KW: Guard duty is hyphenated!

NP: You have repeated yourself Kenneth. Iím afraid I have to give it to Peter Jones. Thirty-two seconds left, getting into trouble Peter, starting now.

PJ: You can easily get into trouble by doing absolutely nothing. Merely staying in bed, refusing to pay your income tax, not answering the door, or picking up the telephone. Going out, pretending not to be in. Or alternatively, if you happen to be married, in the blessed state...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of in.

LAUGHTER FROM AM

NP: All right Clement, I gave in against you last time, I will give it to you this time. And you have 10 seconds on getting into trouble starting now.

CF: The best way is to go to a bank and steal a lot of money. Alternatively, gold, silver, platinum, copper, zinc, tin...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You canít steal zinc in a bank!

NP: Well this is one of those difficult decisions, if he...

PJ: Well I donít think so!

NP: No, he did say ďor alternativelyĒ. So and therefore itís only your imagination which decides was it in a bank, or was it alternatively...

PJ: And my imagination decided it was in a bank! Thatís what he meant to say!

NP: All right, itís an impossible decision for me to make...

PJ: No of course it isnít.

NP: Audience, Iím going to put it to you. Thereís only half a second to go so thereís a lot of points to be made. If you agree with Peterís challenge, would you cheer for him. And if you disagree with his challenge would you boo for Clement Freud, and would you all do it together now.

CF: Boo!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The boos have it! Clement Freud was um alternatively in or out of the bank stealing things. Half a second, getting into trouble, Clement starting now.

CF: Second...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the Clement Freud fan club is obviously in, probably all from Hackney or somewhere! And Clement has increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, presence of mind. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Oh itís a wonderful gift, presence of mind. Absence of mind of course isnít a very nice thing to have. Itís the opposite of it. But if youíre climbing and you are falling down from the side of the mountain and you happen to remember or are able to think clearly about the things that youíd like to grab before gravity pulls you towards the earth, then presence of mind is a remarkable gift and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Gift twice, he said.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Oh yes. Thatís right, yes.

NP: Kenneth you have the subject of presence of mind with 35 seconds left starting now.

KW: Itís rather a misnomer, because if any civilised person is talking, obviously mind has to be inherent in their thought. Otherwise youíd hear the ravings of lunatics. Itís one of those sort of euphemisms which weíve come to accept in everyday language because of inherent laziness and the lack of an extensive vocabulary. Of course we all can be called reasonably sane. Otherwise presumably...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: I donít think we can all be called reasonably sane at all, and itís deviation.

NP: Oh I think we can all be called reasonably sane, or we can all be called reasonably mad! So I think itís quite a legitimate remark, he wasnít deviating certainly from the subject on the card. Kenneth you have another point and there are eight seconds left starting now.

KW: It is typical that I was interfered with in my flow by...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No-one has interfered with him! They just challenged!

KW: I said interfered with in my flow!

PJ: Well I donít know who Flo is! And I donít want to know! I donít want to hear about all these dubious women that you bring along from time to time!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Obviously youíve filled this place with your mates, havenít you!

NP: What is your challenge Peter?

PJ: I forget now, I donít know what it was! But it was terribly boring, wasnít it!

NP: Yes but I donít think it was deviation from the subject on the card. Kenneth you have another point...

KW: Quite right!

NP: ... and five seconds to go starting now.

KW: Presence of mind is something gentleman possess and very few women...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking when the whistle went, and he has leapt forward...

KW: Oh good!

NP: ... and heís now in the lead...

KW: Yes!

NP: ... alongside Clement Freud.

KW: Oh! Dear!

NP: But youíre out there anyway! Andree Melly, your turn to begin, the subject is getting rid of ants. Could you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: This is something you really have to do if youíve got them. We had a large quantity in a small cottage we had in the country. And my husband was going through a kind of Buddhist reverence for life stage, and was very torn not knowing what to do about this particular insect. He asked them politely to go away, they took no notice. And one morning...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he couldnít have asked Ďem politely...

AM: He did!

KW: ... because they wouldnít understand what politeness was!

CF: Thatís why they didnít go away!

AM: Exactly!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And that is probably one of the more less reasonably sane people that Andree was referring to! So er Andree you werenít deviating from the subject on the card...

AM: No! Absolutely true!

NP: Thirty-eight seconds on getting rid of ants starting now.

AM: I have no soft feelings for these particular small creatures...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, she should have! Theyíre all part of the creation! We should love everything, shouldnít she! Sheís got no time for an ant! Thatís nice innit! Thatís nice!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, AM, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Deviation!

NP: Listen, whether sheís got any time for an ant or not, she can say it and she can still say whether, whatever you may think about it and not deviate from the subject. There are 18 seconds on getting rid of ants Andree starting now.

AM: Those of us who have a particular affection for the creature in question...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of particular.

NP: Yes, indeed that is correct Peter, and you have now um 17 seconds Peter on getting rid of ants starting now.

PJ: Face up to them, look them squarely in the eye, and say...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, you couldnít possibly look an ant in the eye.

NP: Kenneth I agree, if you face up to them, you couldnít look an ant in the eye...

KW: They havenít got an eye, dear! They move on an antennae system which is nothing to do with the eye, as we know the eye.

NP: Well all right, look, Iím on your side, so donít try and make it...

PJ: Oh youíre on his side! Well thatís a fine thing!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh they never let me finish! Kenneth, oh, Peter Jones has now left the studio. Oh heís come back, thatís good! Iím on his side on this particular challenge!

PJ: Oh I see! Yes!

NP: Yes, so Kenneth I agree with your challenge which is really what is important and you have 14 seconds on getting rid of ants starting now.

KW: The way is very simple. You take honey or sweet substances like treacle, and such like, and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of like.

AM: Mmmmm.

NP: Yes.

CF: Like treacle and such like.

NP: Oh what a pity. Itís a perfectly correct challenge...

CF: What do you mean ďwhat a pityĒ?

AM: What a pity, it seems he is...

PJ: Heís on, heís on Kennethís side! Thatís why itís a pity!

CF: Itís not a pity!

NP: I make no bones about it! Clement Freud nearly always wins! Peter Jones wins a lot!

AM: Thereís an impartial chairman for you!

NP: Kenneth doesnít win as much as the others...

KW: Thank you! Thank you, youíre very nice! Youíre absolutely truthful, I donít win a lot! And I think itís a disgrace!

PJ: He doesnít...

KW: Because I donít win! I havenít got the kind of superiority that heís got!

NP: And to be perfectly fair, it was a correct challenge...

KW: Yes!

NP: So Clementís got six...

PJ: Yes and I think honestly Kenneth, I think you and the chairman are going to win this game!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Six seconds Clement on getting rid of ants starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I havenít! Heís got my buzzer in his hand!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: Hesitation.

NP: So Clement Freud, to illustrate beyond any shadow of doubt that he is one of the most sporting players of the game...

KW: No, heís got hold of it by mistake, you great fool!

NP: ... picked up Kennethís buzzer and challenged himself for hesitation and I agree with the challenge Kenneth. So you have got the subject back with six seconds left on getting rid of ants starting now.

KW: Open your vacuum cleaner bag and put into it the sticky substance known as...

WHISTLE

NP: So with no help at all from the chairman, but with definite help from Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams has taken an undisputed lead at the end of that round. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin. The subject, oh, very apt one that Ian Messiterís thought of for you, effervescence. Will you effervesce as you talk about the subject of effervescence for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This quality is in lemonade and in certain chemicals and constituents. Holdaine, the eminent chemist, once remarked ďit is possible to analyse effervescent water, and let into the number of components, but nothing you can drinkĒ. I thought it was very apt, clapped him on the back in jocular fashion. ďOh,Ē I said, ďyouíve put your finger on it. You know the difference between soda water and the effer...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of water.

NP: Yes, I have to allow that one Kenneth. And Clement has another point and he has um 22 seconds on effervescence starting now.

CF: There used to be a phonetic alphabet in which effervescence was one of the jokes. And I mean this very light heartedly. Which followed such things as A for horses, which didnít make me laugh either...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: There were two ďforĒs.

CF: No.

AM: There was the A one and the F for for.

CF: No, one was effervescence and the other was A...

AM: F for vescence!

NP: Ah but you see the for was part of the word. And anyway he said ef-fer-vescence, not for.

AM: Oh!

CF: You are rotten!

AM: Oh Iím sorry!

NP: So Clement has another point for an incorrect challenge...

AM: Yes! Fine!

NP: ... and he has six seconds left on effervescence starting now.

CF: So I said to this sparkling man who had jumped up on my feet, clapping me on the back saying ďhelloĒ...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute and I have to tell you that um being completely fair as usual Peter Jones finished in fourth place, but we heard from him to great effect. Andree finished in second place and we heard from her with tremendous effect. Kenneth was in great form but Clement Freud just overtook him at the end again, Iím afraid. And once again Clement Freud is this weekís winner! We hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers.