ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well weíre pleased to welcome back again this week Aimi Macdonald, whoís going to do battle, pit her wits against our three regular competitors of the game. And theyíre going to try and speak as usual if they can for one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from that subject if they can. And weíll start the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, can you talk now on my energy, 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This is provided by the general metabolism of the body. Now the food is imbibed, the process of mastication ensures that the peptic juices get to work and then it results in this enormous flooding of the other reservoirs of energy, and bursts forth into the most fabulous utterances, both born of inspiration and of foreknowledge in the sense of preconceived. That is put together because you know, roughly speaking, what you want these energies for. How...


KW: ... you wish to concentrate, how you want to...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, Iím afraid.

KW: What happened?

CLEMENT FREUD: I challenged.

KW: What about?

NP: Clement Freud challenged you. You were going so well we could hardly stop you actually.

CF: Was there energies? Energy, energy and energy.

NP: Energy, my energy is on the card. You are allowed to repeat it three times which heís done. He mustnít use it again, so he gets a point for a wrong challenge. He keeps the subject of my energy and there are 32 seconds left starting now.

KW: Of course on the occasions when youíve got to really push yourself into say, a round of tennis. I donít know if itís called a round actually...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of round.

NP: Yes! This time I quite agree with your challenge Clement, so you get a point and you take over the subject of my energy and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: My energy is only limited. Some mornings I get up and I am barely able to lift the teacup from the dressing table and totally weak that I canít take sugar. Iíve never in fact taken any sweetening because of my energy which is sadly lacking...


NP: And Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: A hesitation.

NP: I thought he kept going magnificently actually Aimi!

AM: I could tell he wasnít very confident!

NP: Oh I could tell that as well! He hasnít got very much energy!

AM: Exactly yes!

NP: But he didnít actually hesitate Aimi so er well tried because you did a Clement Freud there, you almost got in before the whistle. There are seven seconds left on my energy with you Clement starting now.

CF: I barely crawl past elevenses...


NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of barely. Barely and then barely...

NP: Yes. Yes that is perfectly correct Derek, you have a correct challenge, a point for that and there are...

CF: I donít remember saying barely before.

NP: ... five seconds for you on my energy starting now.

DN: My energy is derived solely from the consumption of glucose which I nibble every possible...


NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who has taken the lead at the end of that round, alongside Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo, would you begin the second round, the subject is noise. Would you talk on that starting now.

DN: Listen to the noise that the loud waves make, as they sound on the shores of the second daybreak. The noise of the trees, and the boy scoutís knees, as they fly through the air...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Boy scout knees make no noise!

DN: They, they do if theyíre knobbly knees!

NP: And you should see the way they shake when some of those brownies go by!

CF: No, theyíre totally silent!

NP: I think itís probably a legitimate challenge Clement, so we give you a point and the subject with 45 seconds left, noise starting now.

CF: Noise...


NP: And Aimi, Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Donít be so mean! Thatís too tough!

DN: Well people are very mean to say boy scout knees donít make a noise! I mean if you put them up close to a microphone and bang them, thereís a noise!



NP: In case listeners, you hadnít already guessed it, Derek Nimmo was illustrating that noise, his knees could make a noise. He took, he pulled his trousers up, he stood up and he knocked his knees. And I will tell you that exactly half a second went by on the watch here. So I will tell Clement Freud that he has 44 and a half seconds on which to continue talking on noise starting now.

CF: The noise made by a pair of knees banging together is very similar to that when you pull a carrot...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, itís already been established that knees donít make any noise!

NP: But youíve already counter-established that they can make a noise if you bang them together.

DN: But you, but you said, then I must get my point back again, mustnít I?

NP: No...

DN: You canít have it both ways! Either knees make a noise or knees donít make a noise!

NP: They donít make a noise when theyíre stationary and that was the point you established. With the rafting of their...

DN: No, I didnít, I said the noise of boy scout knees.

KW: Heís absolutely right! Itís borne out! In the poem, itís bees in the trees and you sneeze, as they wheeze, and knees in the knees with the flu.

DN: Absolutely!

KW: And they donít...

NP: Look, weíre playing Just A Minute. Weíre going to try and...

KW: Very good challenge! Very good challenge!

NP: Well letís get back to the game. Aimi Macdonald you havenít spoken for a long time, what do you want to say?

AM: No, well I have got two points to make. And that is actually repetition.

NP: Of what?

DN: What of?

AM: Knees!

NP: Theyíve been repeating themselves! They never stop repeating themselves!

AM: Theyíve never stopped talking about knees since they sat down!

KW: Knees are fascinating things!

NP: I think that challenge was incorrect if anybody can remember what it was. And Clement Freud has another point and there are 40 seconds left on noise starting now.

CF: The scream of a turnip keeps people up many a night...


NP: Ah...

KW: Deviation! Deviation!

NP: What...

KW: Turnips do not scream!

NP: All right, if knees donít make a noise, turnips canít scream. And um so Kenneth, you have a point and you have 36 seconds on noise starting now.

KW: This is one of the banes of all modern life. Every aspect of it...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: No Aimi!

AM: Well he obviously does it on purpose! Aaaaaallll modern life!

NP: Yes I know he does it on purpose, he does it very well on purpose, he keeps going! Iím sorry, we canít allow that one. Kenneth you have 31 seconds on noise starting now.

KW: For civilised man, the only remedy is to take some cotton wool, impregnate it with suitable wax, stuff it in the eardrobe, in order to pass the siren safely...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: (laughing) Deviation!

KW: Now why? Why? Whereís the deviation there, mate? Come on! Stand up for it! Stand up for yourself!

NP: Heís just about to tell us, give him a chance.

CF: Eardrobe.

NP: The eardrobe!

AM: Yes! (laughs)

KW: Eardrobe is a perfectly reasonable word, isnít it! Itís expressive, you know what Iím talking about!

CF: Yes I do!

KW: Eardrum and earlobe! Eardrum and lobe together make eardrobe!


KW: Yes! Of course it does!

NP: But it was of course devious but you werenít actually deviating from the subject of noise. You were using an incorrect word but you were illustrating with a combination of two other words, a point, and therefore weíre going to give you the benefit of the doubt Kenneth and let you keep the subject.

KW: Mmmm!

NP: And so you have 20 seconds on noise starting now.

KW: And the only thing to do is to cottage yourself and put up your double-glazing...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: He said the only thing to do was to shove things up your ear a moment ago! So if thatís the only thing, they canít both be the only thing you can do.

NP: If you...

DN: So deviation.

NP: There are many things you can do...

DN: He said the only thing you can do...

NP: The only thing you can do is this and the only thing somebody else can do is something else!

CF: Okay, repetition of only!

NP: Kenneth keeps the subject and there are...

DN: What?

CF: Repetition of only.

NP: ... 15 seconds on it, on noise Kenneth, starting...

AM: Yeah!

NP: ... now.

KW: Of course the radio contributes to this, loud...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What is that?

CF: Repetition of of course.

KW: Oh? Well I mean thatís only part of speech, isnít it.

NP: I know, but you have said it more than once. Clement Freud, you have a point, 14 seconds on noise starting now.

CF: ďOh Mary, go and call the cattle homeĒ, was a very loud noise, heard over the sounds of D, according to a poet whose name escapes me at this moment. But when I return, I will look it up. There are other noises, specially those in cities...


NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained that extra point for doing so and he has a lead of one over Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, rates. Would you talk on them, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I think rates must be the most boring subject that Ian Messiter has ever thought of. You pay rates every now and again, quarterly, half yearly. They make little sense because it not only gives rateable value on the invoice but then states point 2731 in the pound whereafter you are given the option of settling the account in one...


CF: You see how boring it is!

NP: We wondered how much more boring you could make it!

CF: I thought youíd all fallen asleep!

NP: We were convinced that you had. Derek your challenge please.

DN: Well hesitation actually.

NP: Yes I would agree...

DN: And gross boredom!

NP: We canít give you a point for boredom, we give you a point for hesitation and the subject, 32 seconds left, rates starting now.

DN: Well one of the things that really interests me when I pay my rates, I suppose above all, I think, yes, is the collection of...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Think twice. Think twice.

DN: No, thing and think.

KW: Think, no, well there you are, same thing, he said think twice.

NP: Itís almost the same Kenneth...

KW: Yes.

NP: Itís very very difficult but itís not the same word, but please keep your diction clear so we know and we donít get wrong challenges. Derek you continue with 27 seconds on rates starting now.

DN: The collection of rubbish is of tremendous interest to me. Iíll tell you why. I pay, I donít know how much, a lot of money to the borough council. And they do not collect the junk that I...


NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I thought it was a repetition of collect.

DN: No, itís collection and collect.

NP: And you thought he was going to say rubbish again.

CF: No, no.

NP: But he gets a point, no, you anticipated...

CF: You shouldnít think what I think!

NP: It looks from your face like thatís what it was. Fifteen and a half seconds on rates Derek starting now.

DN: Actually I, if one was paid the rates for a particular job, such as being chairman of Just A Minute, Nicholas Parsons would be given very little money at all. Because he is extraordinarily woolly-headed, cloth-eared and curiously unattractive...



NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation...

NP: Absolutely!


DN: Why?

NP: It doesnít matter why! What youíve just said, Aimi...

AM: Heís not cloth-eared!

NP: Thereís one second to go on rates with you starting now.

AM: I donít know absolutely anything about rates...


NP: Aimi Macdonald your turn to begin and the subject is what I do when I wake up in the night. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Well...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

AM: Oh no, can I have another chance?

DN: Yes, let her have another chance.

NP: But what is your challenge first?

AM: Thank you, you can come in again...

DN: Well she didnít start, so it was hesitation. But let her have another chance.

NP: I, I am sure that when Aimi wakes up in the night, the first thing that she does is she pauses. So that was an incorrect challenge. Um you have 59 seconds Aimi on what I do when I wake up in the night after your pause starting now.

AM: What I do when I wake up in the middle of the night very much depends on what I did before I went to sleep. That is, if Iím very worried about something, and I wake up in the middle of the night, then I lie there and I gaze up at the ceiling and I start to sort my problems out to myself. If however I still canít get to sleep, I get out of bed, go into the kitchen and perhaps I will make myself a small cup of tea. Whereupon... (laughs) Kenneth Williams is making me laugh!


NP: Whatís he doing in your kitchen with a small cup of tea?

DN: Go on!

NP: No-oneís challenged you yet! Youíve got to keep going!


NP: No-oneís challenged you yet!

AM: I canít look at him!


NP: Well keep going! Youíve got a small cup of tea in the kitchen!

AM: Yes.

NP: Right, go on!

DN: Go on!

AM: Perhaps before I went to sleep, I might have eaten something! (laughs) That is something...


NP: Aimi Macdonaldís returned in fine fine fettle to Just A Minute! She managed to keep going, repeating herself, ah, pausing, deviating, and drying up, and having Kenneth Williams with a small cup of tea in her kitchen. Kenneth weíre back with you, the subject is William the Conqueror. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well you know itís a proud remark, this island, that weíve never been kneeling, so to speak, under the proud foot of a conqueror. But we have indeed...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Hesitation. Aaaaaaaa conqueror.

NP: Well I do think on this occasion he was drawing out his aaaaaaaaa a bit too long.

AM: Because he also took a huge breath between a and conqueror.

NP: Well I donít mind about the size of his breath! The poor chapís got to breathe! But I think it was tantamount to er hesitation which weíll give you Aimi and you have er 47 seconds on William the Conqueror starting now.

AM: William the Conqueror discovered a fantastic piece of information. He...


NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, he didnít at all.

NP: How do you know he didnít?

KW: And er...

NP: How do you know he didnít? It may not have been recorded in the history books...

AM: I beg your pardon!

NP: He might have discovered some fantastic piece of information!

KW: He discovered nothing of the kind!

NP: She hasnít established what he discovered yet!

AM: No, you donít even know!

KW: Sheís got it all mixed up! She doesnít know anything about it! Itís obvious to anyone sheís mad as a hatter! And she sits there accusing other people of acting, who are doing their job properly, accusing them of making her laugh! You heard what she said about me earlier on!

NP: Well I must say...

KW: Itís a disgrace! Iím sitting here, doing my job, thoroughly professional and there...

NP: Kenneth! If I were to wake up in the middle of the night, and find you with a small cup of tea in my kitchen, I...

KW: You shouldnít have women on this show, you know!

NP: Aimi...

KW: Especially when theyíve gone mad!

NP: You have 44 seconds on William the Conqueror...

AM: I think youíre being very verbetrating Kenneth!

NP: That was the piece of information that William the Conqueror discovered! There are 44 seconds with you Aimi starting now.

AM: This tiny piece of information was...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

AM: Oh I repeated it.

NP: Yes.

AM: Though that doesnít count, does it?

NP: Yes Iím afraid it does on this occasion Aimi, I canít be too lenient. So Clement your challenge?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes. There are 42 seconds on William the Conqueror starting now.

CF: While William the Conqueror took only a matter of months to conquer England, Hereward the Wake held out against him until the year 1073...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, as Clement knows perfectly well, William the Conqueror was not fighting Hereward, and he just said that so I could get in.

NP: Really nice of him.

KW: Itís very sweet of him!

NP: I think thatís a, I think thatís very sweet of you to have said that to show that Clement ah wasnít...

KW: Oh he knew it! He knew it! He knew he defeated Harold, all right!

NP: Thirty-two seconds left starting now.

KW: He had this idea of compiling a register of the population, which comes down to history as the Domesday Book. Itís supposed to be really the first example of parochial records ever kept in any...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Records, repetition.

NP: I think he said record before, and then he said records was the second time. So it was the think and the thinks...

AM: Yes.

NP: ... that I gave to you last time. And so I let Kenneth continue with 10 seconds on William the Conqueror starting now.

KW: And he organised all these monks very well, you see, to do their learning behind...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of you see.

NP: All right, if youíre going to have little things like that, we have to allow it.

KW: Yes you are getting rather nasty! Iíve noticed that! Yes I think thereís a vituperative note creeping in!

AM: Oh thatís the word!

KW: Oh thatís what he discovered, is it? That was your William the Conqueror discovery, was it?

AM: Oh no!

NP: Seven seconds on William the Conqueror with you Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: He was the son of Duke Robbint of Normandy who... had a liaison with...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Kenneth.

KW: Fair enough.

NP: You have three seconds on William the Conqueror starting now.

KW: The claim of the Anglovene Kings all said...


NP: Well we did manage with a little help to hear from Kenneth a great deal on William the Conqueror, so he gained a number of points in that round, including one for speaking when the whistle went. So heís got a commanding lead at the end of that round.

KW: Oh how lovely! Oh you must clap for us all!


KW: Clap! Oh!

NP: Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is my grandfatherís whiskers. Will you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

DN: My grandfather had the most extraordinarily long whiskers. They were frightfully useful for him when he went to fight in the Boer War. During the siege of Mafeking...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, his grandfather couldnít possibly have fought in the Boer War!

DN: Well he did!

NP: Well he did, he could have done! I donít know whether it makes Derek very old or very young. It depends which way you look at it. Derek, I disagree with the challenge, you have a point and you have 49 seconds on my grandfatherís whiskers starting now.

DN: Well Iím sure that Nicholas Parsonsí grandfather could have fought in the Boer War because his motherís 80...


NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Boer War.

NP: Yes.

DN: Yes.

NP: Or on war anyway, I didnít hear the Boer, it was rather swallowed. There are 45 seconds for you Clement on my grandfatherís whiskers starting now.

CF: I had two grandfathers and only my maternal one had whiskers with which he stirred his tea. Which at that time was a very common thing to do because coffee was not normally introduced in everyday...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, itís impossible to stir tea with whiskers! Come on!

NP: Well you see this is one of these impossible decisions. Itís probably not impossible but highly unlikely! Iíll tell you what I will do Aimi, to be fair to you. I will put it to the audience and if they...

KW: Donít ask them! They donít know nothing! What do they know about whiskers!

NP: I donít mind whether they donít know anything or not...

KW: They havenít got any whiskers! Oh yes, she has!


NP: They probably know far more than you Kenneth! If you agree with Aimiís challenge will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo...

CF: Boo.

NP: And will you all do it together now!


NP: You think that Clement Freudís maternal grandfather did not stir tea with her whiskers...

CF: No, they did!

NP: Aimi Macdonald you have a point and you have 33 seconds on my grandfatherís whiskers starting now.

AM: My grandfather could possibly stir anything with his whiskers. Because they were very long, and if you plaited them, it made them very stiff, you see. So he could put it into anything and spin it around. And I know this because I used to sit on his knee and plait them for him...


NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of plaiting.

NP: Yes, yes, you plaited them far too often Aimi. Iím sorry. Derek has a point and 15 seconds on my grandfatherís whiskers starting now.

DN: He piled up the sandbags, grabbed his rifle, and didnít hold the whiskers. He draped them over his head and this was a perfect example, itís perfectly true, of camouflage used in the British Army. And from Lord John Roberts, Baden Powell, they all pointed to my grandfatherís whiskers and said...


NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went, so he gained the extra point. The situation at the end of that round is very close. Aimi Macdonald is just in fourth place, only one point behind Clement Freud who is equal with Derek Nimmo, but theyíre both two points behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is banks. Would you talk on them, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Of all the splendid goalkeepers who have ever played football for England, Gordon Banks has to rate almost at the very top. He was a man of amazing agility, great foresight, and was athletic beyond all other players in the squad at the time. I remember very well seeing...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I think this is hyperbole, donít you?

NP: no, I donít, I absolutely agree, that Gordon Banks was one of the finest goalkeepers ever...

KW: You great nit! Wouldnít you just lick! Oh itís just lickspittling isnít it! I mean this awful thing...

NP: Oh shut up! Iíve had enough rudeness! Iím going to take points away in a minute if youíre not careful!

KW: Promises, promises!


NP: Clement Freud has a point for an incorrect challenge and he has the subject of banks and 44 seconds left starting now.

CF: Doing the 1968 World Cup in Layonne, Gordon Banks was...


NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Hesitation!

KW: Quite right! And boring too!

NP: Aimi Macdonald has got the subject for her first challenge and she keeps it...

CF: Has she? I didnít know I hesitated!

NP: ... for an extra point and there are 40 seconds left Aimi on banks starting now.

AM: (sings) Ye banks and braes o' bonnie Doon,
How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair?


AM: (sings) How can ye chant ye little birds,
And I sae weary, fu' o' care?
Ye'll break my heart, ye warbling birds...


AM: (sings) That wanton through the flow'ry thorn,
Ye 'mind me o' departed joys...

NP: Iím sorry to interrupt the concert! Iíve never heard you keep going so well Aimi, in your life! But about 16 bars back, you were challenged. By Derek Nimmo.

AM: I didnít hesitate or repeat myself!

NP: But what, Derek challenged, yes?

DN: It was repetition actually.

AM: What?

NP: Yes, an awful lot of repetition actually.

DN: Well if you go through the song again, youíll see that it repeats itself!

AM: Oh but that likeís saying a verse!

NP: No, no, the first time he challenged was on ďcanĒ you see, and it was quite right. So I have to give it to him. But we loved it...

CF: The notes were repeated too!

NP: Give her a bonus point for a beautiful song! Derek Nimmo has a point for a correct challenge and there are 18 seconds left on banks starting now.

DN: I bank with a very old family, Hawes.

AM: Oh! (laughs)

DN: They started in 1672 in Fleet Street, under the sign of the leather bag. I might point out itís spelt with an H and not a W! And they have gone on to this day, very nice actually on their 300th anniversary...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation..

NP: Why?

CF: It was only one bank at that time, and the subject is banks.

NP: Well he was talking about this one particular bank among many.

CF: He was talking about Hawesí Bank in the 17th century which is not banks, itís bank!

NP: I, the subject is banks, so you can talk about one individual bank if...

KW: Thereís no ned to be so nasty! You can try it politely! Youíre being most rude! Youíre being very rude to Clement, who has come a long way tonight! Iím here to tell you, heís come a long way, that boy! Look at him! Heís come a long way!

NP: Heís probably got to go further yet! I, um, itís a very interesting situation. If Clement hadnít challenged then, we would have had three equal winners. This is the last round. Because I disagree with his challenge, Derek Nimmo gets a point for an incorrect challenge and there are two seconds left starting now.

DN: The strawberry bank farm has stood...


NP: In a strange way I wish Clement hadnít challenged, because otherwise the final score would have been Aimi Macdonald who doesnít play as often, coming back, only one point behind three equal winners which weíve never had. As it was with that last challenge we had Aimi in ah fourth place, one point behind Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams equal in second place, but one point behind this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo!

KW: Good old Derek! Heís won! Lovely!

NP: We hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers.