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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 December 1973)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well we’re pleased to welcome back again this week Aimi Macdonald, who’s going to do battle, pit her wits against our three regular competitors of the game. And they’re going to try and speak as usual if they can for one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from that subject if they can. And we’ll start the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, can you talk now on my energy, 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: This is provided by the general metabolism of the body. Now the food is imbibed, the process of mastication ensures that the peptic juices get to work and then it results in this enormous flooding of the other reservoirs of energy, and bursts forth into the most fabulous utterances, both born of inspiration and of foreknowledge in the sense of preconceived. That is put together because you know, roughly speaking, what you want these energies for. How... BUZZ KW: ... you wish to concentrate, how you want to... NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, I’m afraid. KW: What happened? CLEMENT FREUD: I challenged. KW: What about? NP: Clement Freud challenged you. You were going so well we could hardly stop you actually. CF: Was there energies? Energy, energy and energy. NP: Energy, my energy is on the card. You are allowed to repeat it three times which he’s done. He mustn’t use it again, so he gets a point for a wrong challenge. He keeps the subject of my energy and there are 32 seconds left starting now. KW: Of course on the occasions when you’ve got to really push yourself into say, a round of tennis. I don’t know if it’s called a round actually... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of round. NP: Yes! This time I quite agree with your challenge Clement, so you get a point and you take over the subject of my energy and there are 23 seconds left starting now. CF: My energy is only limited. Some mornings I get up and I am barely able to lift the teacup from the dressing table and totally weak that I can’t take sugar. I’ve never in fact taken any sweetening because of my energy which is sadly lacking... BUZZ NP: And Aimi Macdonald has challenged. AIMI MACDONALD: A hesitation. NP: I thought he kept going magnificently actually Aimi! AM: I could tell he wasn’t very confident! NP: Oh I could tell that as well! He hasn’t got very much energy! AM: Exactly yes! NP: But he didn’t actually hesitate Aimi so er well tried because you did a Clement Freud there, you almost got in before the whistle. There are seven seconds left on my energy with you Clement starting now. CF: I barely crawl past elevenses... BUZZ NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of barely. Barely and then barely... NP: Yes. Yes that is perfectly correct Derek, you have a correct challenge, a point for that and there are... CF: I don’t remember saying barely before. NP: ... five seconds for you on my energy starting now. DN: My energy is derived solely from the consumption of glucose which I nibble every possible... WHISTLE NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who has taken the lead at the end of that round, alongside Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo, would you begin the second round, the subject is noise. Would you talk on that starting now. DN: Listen to the noise that the loud waves make, as they sound on the shores of the second daybreak. The noise of the trees, and the boy scout’s knees, as they fly through the air... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Boy scout knees make no noise! DN: They, they do if they’re knobbly knees! NP: And you should see the way they shake when some of those brownies go by! CF: No, they’re totally silent! NP: I think it’s probably a legitimate challenge Clement, so we give you a point and the subject with 45 seconds left, noise starting now. CF: Noise... BUZZ NP: And Aimi, Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: No! Don’t be so mean! That’s too tough! DN: Well people are very mean to say boy scout knees don’t make a noise! I mean if you put them up close to a microphone and bang them, there’s a noise! DN BANGS HIS KNEE, MAKING A NOISE LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: In case listeners, you hadn’t already guessed it, Derek Nimmo was illustrating that noise, his knees could make a noise. He took, he pulled his trousers up, he stood up and he knocked his knees. And I will tell you that exactly half a second went by on the watch here. So I will tell Clement Freud that he has 44 and a half seconds on which to continue talking on noise starting now. CF: The noise made by a pair of knees banging together is very similar to that when you pull a carrot... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, it’s already been established that knees don’t make any noise! NP: But you’ve already counter-established that they can make a noise if you bang them together. DN: But you, but you said, then I must get my point back again, mustn’t I? NP: No... DN: You can’t have it both ways! Either knees make a noise or knees don’t make a noise! NP: They don’t make a noise when they’re stationary and that was the point you established. With the rafting of their... DN: No, I didn’t, I said the noise of boy scout knees. KW: He’s absolutely right! It’s borne out! In the poem, it’s bees in the trees and you sneeze, as they wheeze, and knees in the knees with the flu. DN: Absolutely! KW: And they don’t... NP: Look, we’re playing Just A Minute. We’re going to try and... KW: Very good challenge! Very good challenge! NP: Well let’s get back to the game. Aimi Macdonald you haven’t spoken for a long time, what do you want to say? AM: No, well I have got two points to make. And that is actually repetition. NP: Of what? DN: What of? AM: Knees! NP: They’ve been repeating themselves! They never stop repeating themselves! AM: They’ve never stopped talking about knees since they sat down! KW: Knees are fascinating things! NP: I think that challenge was incorrect if anybody can remember what it was. And Clement Freud has another point and there are 40 seconds left on noise starting now. CF: The scream of a turnip keeps people up many a night... BUZZ NP: Ah... KW: Deviation! Deviation! NP: What... KW: Turnips do not scream! NP: All right, if knees don’t make a noise, turnips can’t scream. And um so Kenneth, you have a point and you have 36 seconds on noise starting now. KW: This is one of the banes of all modern life. Every aspect of it... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: No Aimi! AM: Well he obviously does it on purpose! Aaaaaallll modern life! NP: Yes I know he does it on purpose, he does it very well on purpose, he keeps going! I’m sorry, we can’t allow that one. Kenneth you have 31 seconds on noise starting now. KW: For civilised man, the only remedy is to take some cotton wool, impregnate it with suitable wax, stuff it in the eardrobe, in order to pass the siren safely... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: (laughing) Deviation! KW: Now why? Why? Where’s the deviation there, mate? Come on! Stand up for it! Stand up for yourself! NP: He’s just about to tell us, give him a chance. CF: Eardrobe. NP: The eardrobe! AM: Yes! (laughs) KW: Eardrobe is a perfectly reasonable word, isn’t it! It’s expressive, you know what I’m talking about! CF: Yes I do! KW: Eardrum and earlobe! Eardrum and lobe together make eardrobe! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Yes! Of course it does! NP: But it was of course devious but you weren’t actually deviating from the subject of noise. You were using an incorrect word but you were illustrating with a combination of two other words, a point, and therefore we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt Kenneth and let you keep the subject. KW: Mmmm! NP: And so you have 20 seconds on noise starting now. KW: And the only thing to do is to cottage yourself and put up your double-glazing... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: He said the only thing to do was to shove things up your ear a moment ago! So if that’s the only thing, they can’t both be the only thing you can do. NP: If you... DN: So deviation. NP: There are many things you can do... DN: He said the only thing you can do... NP: The only thing you can do is this and the only thing somebody else can do is something else! CF: Okay, repetition of only! NP: Kenneth keeps the subject and there are... DN: What? CF: Repetition of only. NP: ... 15 seconds on it, on noise Kenneth, starting... AM: Yeah! NP: ... now. KW: Of course the radio contributes to this, loud... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. KW: What is that? CF: Repetition of of course. KW: Oh? Well I mean that’s only part of speech, isn’t it. NP: I know, but you have said it more than once. Clement Freud, you have a point, 14 seconds on noise starting now. CF: “Oh Mary, go and call the cattle home”, was a very loud noise, heard over the sounds of D, according to a poet whose name escapes me at this moment. But when I return, I will look it up. There are other noises, specially those in cities... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained that extra point for doing so and he has a lead of one over Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, rates. Would you talk on them, 60 seconds starting now. CF: I think rates must be the most boring subject that Ian Messiter has ever thought of. You pay rates every now and again, quarterly, half yearly. They make little sense because it not only gives rateable value on the invoice but then states point 2731 in the pound whereafter you are given the option of settling the account in one... BUZZ CF: You see how boring it is! NP: We wondered how much more boring you could make it! CF: I thought you’d all fallen asleep! NP: We were convinced that you had. Derek your challenge please. DN: Well hesitation actually. NP: Yes I would agree... DN: And gross boredom! NP: We can’t give you a point for boredom, we give you a point for hesitation and the subject, 32 seconds left, rates starting now. DN: Well one of the things that really interests me when I pay my rates, I suppose above all, I think, yes, is the collection of... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Think twice. Think twice. DN: No, thing and think. KW: Think, no, well there you are, same thing, he said think twice. NP: It’s almost the same Kenneth... KW: Yes. NP: It’s very very difficult but it’s not the same word, but please keep your diction clear so we know and we don’t get wrong challenges. Derek you continue with 27 seconds on rates starting now. DN: The collection of rubbish is of tremendous interest to me. I’ll tell you why. I pay, I don’t know how much, a lot of money to the borough council. And they do not collect the junk that I... BUZZ NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged. CF: I thought it was a repetition of collect. DN: No, it’s collection and collect. NP: And you thought he was going to say rubbish again. CF: No, no. NP: But he gets a point, no, you anticipated... CF: You shouldn’t think what I think! NP: It looks from your face like that’s what it was. Fifteen and a half seconds on rates Derek starting now. DN: Actually I, if one was paid the rates for a particular job, such as being chairman of Just A Minute, Nicholas Parsons would be given very little money at all. Because he is extraordinarily woolly-headed, cloth-eared and curiously unattractive... BUZZ LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. AM: Deviation... NP: Absolutely! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE DN: Why? NP: It doesn’t matter why! What you’ve just said, Aimi... AM: He’s not cloth-eared! NP: There’s one second to go on rates with you starting now. AM: I don’t know absolutely anything about rates... WHISTLE NP: Aimi Macdonald your turn to begin and the subject is what I do when I wake up in the night. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. AM: Well... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. AM: Oh no, can I have another chance? DN: Yes, let her have another chance. NP: But what is your challenge first? AM: Thank you, you can come in again... DN: Well she didn’t start, so it was hesitation. But let her have another chance. NP: I, I am sure that when Aimi wakes up in the night, the first thing that she does is she pauses. So that was an incorrect challenge. Um you have 59 seconds Aimi on what I do when I wake up in the night after your pause starting now. AM: What I do when I wake up in the middle of the night very much depends on what I did before I went to sleep. That is, if I’m very worried about something, and I wake up in the middle of the night, then I lie there and I gaze up at the ceiling and I start to sort my problems out to myself. If however I still can’t get to sleep, I get out of bed, go into the kitchen and perhaps I will make myself a small cup of tea. Whereupon... (laughs) Kenneth Williams is making me laugh! LAUGHTER FROM AM, NP, DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: What’s he doing in your kitchen with a small cup of tea? DN: Go on! NP: No-one’s challenged you yet! You’ve got to keep going! AM LAUGHS NP: No-one’s challenged you yet! AM: I can’t look at him! LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Well keep going! You’ve got a small cup of tea in the kitchen! AM: Yes. NP: Right, go on! DN: Go on! AM: Perhaps before I went to sleep, I might have eaten something! (laughs) That is something... WHISTLE NP: Aimi Macdonald’s returned in fine fine fettle to Just A Minute! She managed to keep going, repeating herself, ah, pausing, deviating, and drying up, and having Kenneth Williams with a small cup of tea in her kitchen. Kenneth we’re back with you, the subject is William the Conqueror. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well you know it’s a proud remark, this island, that we’ve never been kneeling, so to speak, under the proud foot of a conqueror. But we have indeed... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. AM: Hesitation. Aaaaaaaa conqueror. NP: Well I do think on this occasion he was drawing out his aaaaaaaaa a bit too long. AM: Because he also took a huge breath between a and conqueror. NP: Well I don’t mind about the size of his breath! The poor chap’s got to breathe! But I think it was tantamount to er hesitation which we’ll give you Aimi and you have er 47 seconds on William the Conqueror starting now. AM: William the Conqueror discovered a fantastic piece of information. He... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation, he didn’t at all. NP: How do you know he didn’t? KW: And er... NP: How do you know he didn’t? It may not have been recorded in the history books... AM: I beg your pardon! NP: He might have discovered some fantastic piece of information! KW: He discovered nothing of the kind! NP: She hasn’t established what he discovered yet! AM: No, you don’t even know! KW: She’s got it all mixed up! She doesn’t know anything about it! It’s obvious to anyone she’s mad as a hatter! And she sits there accusing other people of acting, who are doing their job properly, accusing them of making her laugh! You heard what she said about me earlier on! NP: Well I must say... KW: It’s a disgrace! I’m sitting here, doing my job, thoroughly professional and there... NP: Kenneth! If I were to wake up in the middle of the night, and find you with a small cup of tea in my kitchen, I... KW: You shouldn’t have women on this show, you know! NP: Aimi... KW: Especially when they’ve gone mad! NP: You have 44 seconds on William the Conqueror... AM: I think you’re being very verbetrating Kenneth! NP: That was the piece of information that William the Conqueror discovered! There are 44 seconds with you Aimi starting now. AM: This tiny piece of information was... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. AM: Oh I repeated it. NP: Yes. AM: Though that doesn’t count, does it? NP: Yes I’m afraid it does on this occasion Aimi, I can’t be too lenient. So Clement your challenge? CF: Repetition. NP: Yes. There are 42 seconds on William the Conqueror starting now. CF: While William the Conqueror took only a matter of months to conquer England, Hereward the Wake held out against him until the year 1073... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation, as Clement knows perfectly well, William the Conqueror was not fighting Hereward, and he just said that so I could get in. NP: Really nice of him. KW: It’s very sweet of him! NP: I think that’s a, I think that’s very sweet of you to have said that to show that Clement ah wasn’t... KW: Oh he knew it! He knew it! He knew he defeated Harold, all right! NP: Thirty-two seconds left starting now. KW: He had this idea of compiling a register of the population, which comes down to history as the Domesday Book. It’s supposed to be really the first example of parochial records ever kept in any... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Records, repetition. NP: I think he said record before, and then he said records was the second time. So it was the think and the thinks... AM: Yes. NP: ... that I gave to you last time. And so I let Kenneth continue with 10 seconds on William the Conqueror starting now. KW: And he organised all these monks very well, you see, to do their learning behind... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of you see. NP: All right, if you’re going to have little things like that, we have to allow it. KW: Yes you are getting rather nasty! I’ve noticed that! Yes I think there’s a vituperative note creeping in! AM: Oh that’s the word! KW: Oh that’s what he discovered, is it? That was your William the Conqueror discovery, was it? AM: Oh no! NP: Seven seconds on William the Conqueror with you Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: He was the son of Duke Robbint of Normandy who... had a liaison with... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Hesitation. NP: I would agree Kenneth. KW: Fair enough. NP: You have three seconds on William the Conqueror starting now. KW: The claim of the Anglovene Kings all said... WHISTLE NP: Well we did manage with a little help to hear from Kenneth a great deal on William the Conqueror, so he gained a number of points in that round, including one for speaking when the whistle went. So he’s got a commanding lead at the end of that round. KW: Oh how lovely! Oh you must clap for us all! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Clap! Oh! NP: Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is my grandfather’s whiskers. Will you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now. DN: My grandfather had the most extraordinarily long whiskers. They were frightfully useful for him when he went to fight in the Boer War. During the siege of Mafeking... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. AM: Deviation, his grandfather couldn’t possibly have fought in the Boer War! DN: Well he did! NP: Well he did, he could have done! I don’t know whether it makes Derek very old or very young. It depends which way you look at it. Derek, I disagree with the challenge, you have a point and you have 49 seconds on my grandfather’s whiskers starting now. DN: Well I’m sure that Nicholas Parsons’ grandfather could have fought in the Boer War because his mother’s 80... BUZZ NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of Boer War. NP: Yes. DN: Yes. NP: Or on war anyway, I didn’t hear the Boer, it was rather swallowed. There are 45 seconds for you Clement on my grandfather’s whiskers starting now. CF: I had two grandfathers and only my maternal one had whiskers with which he stirred his tea. Which at that time was a very common thing to do because coffee was not normally introduced in everyday... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. AM: Deviation, it’s impossible to stir tea with whiskers! Come on! NP: Well you see this is one of these impossible decisions. It’s probably not impossible but highly unlikely! I’ll tell you what I will do Aimi, to be fair to you. I will put it to the audience and if they... KW: Don’t ask them! They don’t know nothing! What do they know about whiskers! NP: I don’t mind whether they don’t know anything or not... KW: They haven’t got any whiskers! Oh yes, she has! LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: They probably know far more than you Kenneth! If you agree with Aimi’s challenge will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo... CF: Boo. NP: And will you all do it together now! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You think that Clement Freud’s maternal grandfather did not stir tea with her whiskers... CF: No, they did! NP: Aimi Macdonald you have a point and you have 33 seconds on my grandfather’s whiskers starting now. AM: My grandfather could possibly stir anything with his whiskers. Because they were very long, and if you plaited them, it made them very stiff, you see. So he could put it into anything and spin it around. And I know this because I used to sit on his knee and plait them for him... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Repetition of plaiting. NP: Yes, yes, you plaited them far too often Aimi. I’m sorry. Derek has a point and 15 seconds on my grandfather’s whiskers starting now. DN: He piled up the sandbags, grabbed his rifle, and didn’t hold the whiskers. He draped them over his head and this was a perfect example, it’s perfectly true, of camouflage used in the British Army. And from Lord John Roberts, Baden Powell, they all pointed to my grandfather’s whiskers and said... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went, so he gained the extra point. The situation at the end of that round is very close. Aimi Macdonald is just in fourth place, only one point behind Clement Freud who is equal with Derek Nimmo, but they’re both two points behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is banks. Would you talk on them, 60 seconds starting now. CF: Of all the splendid goalkeepers who have ever played football for England, Gordon Banks has to rate almost at the very top. He was a man of amazing agility, great foresight, and was athletic beyond all other players in the squad at the time. I remember very well seeing... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: I think this is hyperbole, don’t you? NP: no, I don’t, I absolutely agree, that Gordon Banks was one of the finest goalkeepers ever... KW: You great nit! Wouldn’t you just lick! Oh it’s just lickspittling isn’t it! I mean this awful thing... NP: Oh shut up! I’ve had enough rudeness! I’m going to take points away in a minute if you’re not careful! KW: Promises, promises! LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Clement Freud has a point for an incorrect challenge and he has the subject of banks and 44 seconds left starting now. CF: Doing the 1968 World Cup in Layonne, Gordon Banks was... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged. AM: Hesitation! KW: Quite right! And boring too! NP: Aimi Macdonald has got the subject for her first challenge and she keeps it... CF: Has she? I didn’t know I hesitated! NP: ... for an extra point and there are 40 seconds left Aimi on banks starting now. AM: (sings) Ye banks and braes o' bonnie Doon, How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair? BUZZ AM: (sings) How can ye chant ye little birds, And I sae weary, fu' o' care? Ye'll break my heart, ye warbling birds... DN STARTS SHOUTING IN SCOTTISH BROGUE AM: (sings) That wanton through the flow'ry thorn, Ye 'mind me o' departed joys... NP: I’m sorry to interrupt the concert! I’ve never heard you keep going so well Aimi, in your life! But about 16 bars back, you were challenged. By Derek Nimmo. AM: I didn’t hesitate or repeat myself! NP: But what, Derek challenged, yes? DN: It was repetition actually. AM: What? NP: Yes, an awful lot of repetition actually. DN: Well if you go through the song again, you’ll see that it repeats itself! AM: Oh but that like’s saying a verse! NP: No, no, the first time he challenged was on “can” you see, and it was quite right. So I have to give it to him. But we loved it... CF: The notes were repeated too! NP: Give her a bonus point for a beautiful song! Derek Nimmo has a point for a correct challenge and there are 18 seconds left on banks starting now. DN: I bank with a very old family, Hawes. AM: Oh! (laughs) DN: They started in 1672 in Fleet Street, under the sign of the leather bag. I might point out it’s spelt with an H and not a W! And they have gone on to this day, very nice actually on their 300th anniversary... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation.. NP: Why? CF: It was only one bank at that time, and the subject is banks. NP: Well he was talking about this one particular bank among many. CF: He was talking about Hawes’ Bank in the 17th century which is not banks, it’s bank! NP: I, the subject is banks, so you can talk about one individual bank if... KW: There’s no ned to be so nasty! You can try it politely! You’re being most rude! You’re being very rude to Clement, who has come a long way tonight! I’m here to tell you, he’s come a long way, that boy! Look at him! He’s come a long way! NP: He’s probably got to go further yet! I, um, it’s a very interesting situation. If Clement hadn’t challenged then, we would have had three equal winners. This is the last round. Because I disagree with his challenge, Derek Nimmo gets a point for an incorrect challenge and there are two seconds left starting now. DN: The strawberry bank farm has stood... WHISTLE NP: In a strange way I wish Clement hadn’t challenged, because otherwise the final score would have been Aimi Macdonald who doesn’t play as often, coming back, only one point behind three equal winners which we’ve never had. As it was with that last challenge we had Aimi in ah fourth place, one point behind Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams equal in second place, but one point behind this week’s winner, Derek Nimmo! KW: Good old Derek! He’s won! Lovely! NP: We hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers. |
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