|
|
|
|
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 December 1973)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we have four keen and experienced competitors of the game who are going to try and speak if they can for just one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show with Derek Nimmo. Derek, can you talk on my great-uncle Augustus, 60 seconds starting now. DEREK NIMMO: My great-uncle Augustus lived in Bayswater when it was not necessarily the wrong side of the park. He was an unemployed organ grinder. But fortunately left a large sum of money by a distant cousin on the other side of the family... BUZZ NP: And somebody has buzzed, Peter Jones? PETER JONES: Repetition of side. NP: Yes, there was more than one side and you can’t repeat the word. So Peter, correct challenge, you gain a point for that, you take over the subject and 45 seconds to go, my great-uncle Augustus starting now. PJ: Well I suppose really it’s Derek Nimmo’s uncle Augustus and of course I know absolutely nothing about him... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course. NP: Did you say of course twice then? PJ: No, of course I didn’t! NP: There are 41 seconds on my great-uncle Augustus, Peter starting now. PJ: Of course I wouldn’t dream of saying it... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well I was a bit premature, it should have been Clay that challenged! NP: It should have been Clay shouldn’t it, yes because, all right, we’ll give it to Clay... CF: No, no, I don’t want it. NP: Thirty seconds, Clement... CF: I didn’t challenge! NP: ... on my great-uncle Augustus starting now. CF: I didn’t... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: All right! We’ll give it to you! DN: It’s my uncle anyway! NP: Thirty-six seconds on my great-uncle Augustus starting now. DN: He formed a liaison with a chamber maid, and one day took her to Scindle’s Hotel near Maidenhead, where he was observed by a Mrs Poppington-Green who reported him to his brother George, who told Mother, who told Father... BUZZ NP: And Andree Melly has challenged. ANDREE MELLY: Repetition of who told. NP: Yes there was too much telling going on, wasn’t there. Andree you have the subject now and a point of course for a correct challenge, and there are 21 and a half seconds left on my great-uncle Augustus starting now. AM: My great-uncle Augustus was sometimes known as Uncle Willy. And...’ BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Sorry, sorry, I slipped. NP: An incorrect challenge so Andree you gain a point, keep the subject, and there are 17 seconds on my great-uncle Augustus starting now. AM: He had a passion for marshmallows. And every Christmas, the great-nieces and nephews gave him packets with this confectionery. And in return received a tip, according to what age you were. Five bob if you were at that number of years, six, oh... BUZZ NP: Um Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes. Because she was trying to alter her flow of words to get the different ones. Two and a half seconds on my great-uncle Augustus, Derek starting now. DN: He went to India, starboard out, and married a Mrs Vindaloo who was very hot stuff... WHISTLE NP: The whistle that Ian Messiter so elegantly blows beside me tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment as you probably know now gains an extra point. Derek achieved it, he’s gained a commanding lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones your turn, will you talk now on the subject of what I find a bit tricky. That’s what Ian’s thought of, will you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now. PJ: Well I find it a bit tricky to come here and talk about any subject without repeating myself, deviating from it or even hesitating. But I’ve discovered that if you can speak and don’t care whether you bore the living daylights out of everybody, and just go on pouring out word after, one after the other, ah, you... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. AM: Ah hesitation. NP: I disagree. AM: He went uh! NP: No, he went very well. Yes there was a... AM: Loud as life. NP: No, no, he kept going with a, stumbled over a very difficult phrase, kept going, I disagree with the challenge. Peter you’ve got another point and you have 36 seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now. PJ: And I can, I suppose, describe this palatial building in which we’re situated... hello Iris! Good heavens, I’ve just seen someone I know in the... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Deviation. NP: What? AM: Iris is not a bit tricky, I know her very well! DN: Well she might be! NP: I agree Andree, I don’t quite know what this palatial building has got to do with what I find a bit tricky. So I’m going to give that one to you Andree and you have a point for a correct challenge and 29 seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now. AM: Standing on one leg with your right arm tied behind you at the top of a telegraph pole eating a bowl of spaghetti is a bit... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: Deviation. Must be, mustn’t it? I mean, it’s practically perversion! NP: It might be perversion, it might be worse. It’s still jolly tricky! More than a bit tricky! Impossibly tricky! Andree I disagree with Peter’s challenge, you have another point and there are 21 seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now. AM: Is what I find a bit tricky. But it can be done if you lift the said object to your lips, open your mouth wide, and slurp it down, it is no longer as tricky as it seems... BUZZ NP: Peter, Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree Derek. Six seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now. DN: What I find a bit tricky is wearing a dickie, when I haven’t a shirt at all. You can hold it down, but it causes a frown and covers... I don’t remember the rest of it! WHISTLE NP: Once again Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went and er, and so he gained that extra point. Andree your turn to begin, the subject is my cat. Sixty seconds starting now. AM: My cat is white and called Cleopatra, Cleo for short. And very strange in her habits. She prefers dog food, and has been heard to growl and very occasionally bark. She had three kittens just lately, did manage to feed them, and then took no notice at all so isn’t very maternal. We’ve had her spayed, I think it’s called, don’t know how you spell it. She was purple all round the middle of her tummy and shay... oh! BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Oh oooh, hesitation. NP: Oh yes, a definite hesitation. She thought of the spayed and ah paused. Twenty, 31 seconds on my cat, Derek starting now. DN: My cat is called Great-uncle Augustus after a relation I once had, who formed a liaison with a chamber maid... BUZZ NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition. NP: Of what? PJ: Of the previous um subject! NP: Yes but you see, he hadn’t used the words and that’s repetition... PJ: He can’t go on talking about this! It was bad enough for the first minute! He can’t go on doing it, each time he... NP: Well Peter, he can, as long as he uses the words, um, doesn’t use the words twice in any particular round, he can say whatever he likes in this game. So an incorrect challenge, 25 seconds Derek on my cat starting now. DN: My cat was Siamese in fact. And I once paid a special visit to Thailand hoping to find his forebears. The interesting thing was that although I landed in Bangkok and went as far north as Changmai, not once did I see a cat of this particular species. I saw Persian and I even saw Manx, but not... for one moment... BUZZ NP: Clement... DN: Who did that? CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, six seconds Clement on my cat, starting now. CF: My cat is white, and known as Cat, unlike my dog who barks at the mail long before the postman... WHISTLE NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, he gained that extra point. And he is surprisingly in fourth place at the end of that round. Peter Jones is in third place, one point behind Andree Melly. But Derek Nimmo has a very definite lead. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, the subject, how I remember names. Can you talk on that subject, 60 seconds starting now. CF: I remember names because I have a particularly good memory. But there is a book currently on the market which is called How To Remember Names, and is written by a man, if the cover picture is anything to go by, who is a raving lunatic with black hair. And his theory is that when you go to a party, and someone says “this is Mister Hinklebocker”, you think of a hinkle and remember it each time you meet him further during the evening. And all I can say is that he must got to some very strange gatherings, because I’ve never met anyone called by that appellation in the entire party-going career... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. CF: Party hyphen going. PJ: Repetition of party. CF: Party-going. NP: I am going to allow it, there was two parties. Twenty seconds Peter, for you on how I remember names starting now. PJ: Well I always try to associate them with a particular thing. Like for instance Parsons, I try to remember by thinking of the church. I’m quite apt when I see him next to say “hello, Mister Bishop”, or Vicars or something like that... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. AM: And a hesitation there. NP: I think I’ll let you have that hesitation Andree and you have seven seconds on how I remember names starting now. AM: I’m very bad at remembering names, and inclined to call people “love” which they don’t like, “darling” being a bit too actressy and some... WHISTLE NP: Andree Melly speaking then when the whistle went, gained the extra point and she’s moved forward and she’s catching up Derek Nimmo who’s still in the lead. Derek, your turn to begin, the subject, things I collect. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. DN: I collect particularly Roman and Greek earthenware, and Staffordshire pottery which I find particularly attractive... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of particularly. NP: Yes, 50 seconds for you... CF: And it was boring as well! I mean particularly boring! NP: Fifty seconds Clement for you on things I collect starting now. CF: Things I collect tend to be what I can put in my kitchen. Herbs and spices and condiments, sugar, salt, potatoes, rice, marjoram, basil... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: I can’t believe that he collects sugar! That’s beyond belief! CF: I’ve got a very good collection. NP: I’m inclined to believe you Peter, somebody might buy sugar to use... PJ: He’s hoarding sugar, that’s quite a different thing! NP: Hoarding sugar... PJ: Exactly! NP: But to collect it, yes, good challenge Peter. Thirty-nine seconds on things I collect starting now. PJ: I am apt to have a mania for collecting things. Anything that I find I’ve got two of, I want to possess more. And this applies for instance to walking sticks. I have about six. The problem is finding somewhere to put them. I’ve decided to hang them on the wall like pictures, one above the other vertically. And of course the house isn’t quite tall enough for this so... DN LAUGHS LOUDLY BUZZ NP: Oh Derek, you rotten thing! DN: Well I laughed and he hesitated! NP: I know! PJ: It’s a foul! DN: It was my secret weapon! PJ: It’s a foul! NP: All I can say to the others, think of your own secret weapon and see if you can achieve the same result. Derek, yes, you achieved it and ah there are 13 seconds for you on things I collect starting now. DN: Things I collect include secret weapons such as Heinkels and I often find that stuck on a wall, end to end... BUZZ NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Heinkels, if he does collect them which I doubt, are not secret weapons! They’re aeroplanes. AM: End to end. NP: Yes, end to end was very... DN: He didn’t challenge on that one! PJ: What? DN: You didn’t challenge on repetition. PJ: Well I am, I’m um... NP: Heinkels... DN: Deviation. PJ: On deviation. NP: Yes, to put an aeroplane on your wall end to end is very... CF: He didn’t say that. NP: So um, very devious indeed. Five seconds for you Peter on things I collect starting now. PJ: I mooch around looking in rubbish dumps trying to find works of art... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Ah Derek challenged... Derek you challenged before the whistle. DN: Repetition of find actually. NP: Yes you were finding before, very well done Derek. There’s half a second on things I collect starting now. DN: Mezzerschmitts... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek increased his lead at the end of that round with a few points including the one for speaking as the whistle went and now Andree Melly and Peter Jones are equal in second place, and Clement Freud is still in fourth place. Peter, your turn to begin, the subject, after things I collect, things I throw away. Probably the same things as you collect, we heard the list. Would you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now. PJ: Well I always throw away all the circulars that come through the letterbox. And I’ve had a long war with one firm of American magazine people who have been sending them down the years to my house. And I’ve written to say that I passed away some years ago, there’s no point! I had my wife send them a letter... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. AM: There were two years there. NP: When? AM: There were down the years and some years ago. NP: Well done, I’m glad you were listening! AM: Mmmm! NP: Thirty seconds for you Andree on things I throw away starting now. AM: Old fish bones, potato peelings, things from Clement Freud’s kitchen that he’s finished with go into the rubbish dump as quickly as possible, or sometimes the compost heap if suitable... Things... BUZZ NP: Peter, ah, Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, I agree with that one. Twenty-one seconds with you Clement on things I throw away starting now. CF: Things I throw away tend to be from my kitchen and are potatoes and rice, sugar, basil, herbs... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Deviation because if he was collecting them, he couldn’t be throwing them away. CF: Now I’m throwing them away! I’m done with them! NP: It’s a good try Andree, but I mean you can throw away the things you also collect, can’t you. AM: Mmmm. NP: Thirteen seconds Clement, on things I throw away starting now. CF: Things I throw away, starting now, are cats and dogs because I don’t really care for pets very much. And children, wives, uncles and particularly my great-aunt Augustine... WHISTLE NP: Andree your turn to begin, the subject, people who send me flowers. Would you talk about them, 60 seconds starting now. AM: The people who send me flowers are very special charming delightful members of society. And I’m sure that Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Clement Freud would like to join this select community... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, I wouldn’t! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You can be as rude as that and the audience laugh! You’re a lousy lot! I’m not going to allow the challenge so Andree you have another point and you have 46 seconds on the subject starting now. AM: Apart from the gentleman on my left, roses, freesias, lovely frilly type flowers are what I like. I don’t got for orchids and lilies and the rather waxy type. So... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. AM: Two types there were. PJ: Two types, yes. NP: Two types, weren’t there, yes. Peter, there are 34 seconds on the subject of people who send me flowers starting now. PJ: I was very touched the very first time I won... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of very. PJ: No, no, no, you must have missed that. CF: Very touched the very first time. PJ: There’s an echo! There’s an echo in the room! NP: Thirty-one seconds, Clement, on people who send me flowers starting now. CF: People who send me flowers usually do so for an ulterior motive. People who send me flowers come in all colours, shapes, consignments... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why? You’re trying to work it out now. DN: Well it wasn’t really hesitation! It was, it was repeating the subject but that’s allowed. NP: Yes, I know, and just for those who may not know at home, or in the other parts of the world that listen to the programme, you are allowed to repeat the subject at least three times. Clement, an incorrect challenge, another point to you, and 10 seconds on the subject starting now. CF: An awfully nice woman who stayed in a hospital in Hatchend once went to a florist’s shop to purchase a bunch of daffodils and one hyacinth... WHISTLE NP: Well Clement Freud, talking about his private life again, managed to get a lot of points at the end of that round, including of course the one for speaking when the whistle went. And he’s now moved to second place, only one behind Derek Nimmo, Andree’s only two behind Clement, and Peter’s only one behind Andree. So it’s all very close and they’re all very much behind. Andree, no, still the subject is back with you Clement, it’s your turn to begin, the subject is convictions. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. CF: Convictions is something that I have a lot of, the first one at the age of nine for aiding and abetting. And convictions to put it another way, is something the chairman has very little of, in that he doesn’t even possess the courage of his lack of convictions... (pauses for laugh that doesn’t come) BUZZ CF: That went rather well didn’t it! NP: Peter Jones. CF: Didn’t you think that went well? PJ: Yes it did. But you did pause, you started waiting. CF: Well I was expecting the anti-Parsons brigade to burst into spontaneous applause. NP: But don’t you realise... CF: And they’re not in tonight! PJ: No, there was a sharp intake of breath in Row Five! Really loving! I think it was an intake of breath! NP: You don’t realise you’ve built up a very big fan following with your manner Clement. But I er um whatever, whoever had challenged then after the awful things you said, I would have allowed it. But actually it was a very legitimate challenge of hesitation. To Peter Jones and 41 seconds, convictions starting now. PJ: One of them I remember, the magistrate said “three pounds, or 30 days?” I was new to police courts, I said “I’ll take the three pounds!” BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh what a pity Peter! Thirty-three seconds on convictions with you Clement starting now. CF: One that I always remember is of a leper in Brighton who wanted to get to Hove, but didn’t have the necessary bells with which to proceed down the promenade in an easterly direction, which some people thought should have been north. And so moving people from side to the other end of the... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: There was two peoples. NP: Yes you’re perfectly correct Andree, you have nine seconds on convictions starting now. AM: My strongest conviction is that Clement Freud in that long story was somehow going to prove that he was still keeping to the subject. And that’s why I had to challenge him on... WHISTLE NP: Andree Melly got a couple of extra, got a couple of points including one for speaking when the whistle went and now she is in second place. Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo are equal in first place, and it’s a very close contest with Peter not far behind. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject, getting in a jam. Can you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now. DN: Of course, blackcurrant is my absolute favourite, and I rush down to Hartley’s and climb into a great barrel or bucket. And then I plunge into the sticky mess below, licking my fingers as I go, scraping squadrels of the muck and putting it through... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of squadrels! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, AM AND THE AUDIENCE NP: That’s one of the most devious tries I’ve heard for a long time! PJ: Well, what is it for goodness sake? NP: I don’t know! But it’s a good word to think up, when you can’t think of a... PJ: Yeah but you have to speak English or some other known language! You can’t... NP: That’s a, that’s a sort of ah a Derek Nimmo type English word which ah... PJ: Oh you can’t allow that Nicholas! NP: I’m going to allow it. PJ: Someone who’s already about 14 points ahead of everybody else! And he’s using words that no-one has ever heard of! NP: I don’t know. Lear thought of some beautiful words that were not in the English dictionary... PJ: He never played Just A Minute! NP: Lewis Carroll had a few as well, we accept those, we’ll accept squadrels. Getting in a jam, 39 seconds Derek, starting now. DN: I was driving down Oxford Street the other day, and I saw a great squidrel of traffic coming towards me. So I... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Repetition of squidrel. NP: Yes... DN: The last lot was a squadrel, this is a squidrel! Not repetition! NP: Squidrels... yes, but you can have squadrels of jam but you can’t have squidrels of traffic. DN: Why not? NP: Because it doesn’t sound right! Peter you have 33 seconds on getting in a jam starting now. PJ: Well there were a lot of boopiters and bassitisers where I was driving by, and you see nuncumpardons at the blahgitrooch... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes you did hesitate. PJ: I did hesitate, yes. NP: If you try and think up too many new words, you’re bound to fall down. Twenty-four seconds Clement on getting in a jam starting now. CF: Between the hours of eight-thirty and 10 in the morning, and especially after four-thirty in the afternoon... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. AM: Two thirties. CF: I didn’t say two-thirty, I said four-thirty! NP: Yes but there were two thirties. So Andree has another point, there are nine seconds Andree on getting in a jam starting now. AM: If you challenge people on words that aren’t in a dictionary, you can get in a jam as we have just seen with Mister Peter Jones over there... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: We heard it! NP: And we’ve also seen it because Andree was here witnessing it. So she’s entitled to say we’ve just seen over there. And so there are three seconds for Andree on getting in a jam starting now. AM: Never challenge Nicholas Parsons or... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of challenge. PJ: Yes. AM: Yes. Yes. NP: Yes, how clever you are Clement, because I must tell you now, this is the last subject and your clever thinking, your quick buzzing has got you in with one second to go and you’re now in the lead and you have one second on getting in a jam starting... BUZZ LAUGHTER FROM CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE DN: I’ll try anything! NP: And I knew you would! DN: Extra sensory perception! NP: I knew you would and that’s why I paused! So Clement, that challenge came in before I said now, so we don’t allow it. You have one second on getting in a jam starting... now. CF: Getting in a jam! WHISTLE NP: For those of you at home who thought your sets had gone dead for a moment, it was only just all of us pausing for a change. We have now finished this edition of Just A Minute, so I’ll give you the final score. Peter Jones with much aplomb and tremendous er shine and wit did extraordinarily well, but did finish in fourth place. We had two equal people in second place, that was Derek Nimmo and Andree Melly. Derek just lost the lead at the end, once again to this week’s winner Clement Freud! We hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|