JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 December 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we have four keen and experienced competitors of the game who are going to try and speak if they can for just one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show with Derek Nimmo. Derek, can you talk on my great-uncle Augustus, 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My great-uncle Augustus lived in Bayswater when it was not necessarily the wrong side of the park. He was an unemployed organ grinder. But fortunately left a large sum of money by a distant cousin on the other side of the family...

BUZZ

NP: And somebody has buzzed, Peter Jones?

PETER JONES: Repetition of side.

NP: Yes, there was more than one side and you canít repeat the word. So Peter, correct challenge, you gain a point for that, you take over the subject and 45 seconds to go, my great-uncle Augustus starting now.

PJ: Well I suppose really itís Derek Nimmoís uncle Augustus and of course I know absolutely nothing about him...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course.

NP: Did you say of course twice then?

PJ: No, of course I didnít!

NP: There are 41 seconds on my great-uncle Augustus, Peter starting now.

PJ: Of course I wouldnít dream of saying it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well I was a bit premature, it should have been Clay that challenged!

NP: It should have been Clay shouldnít it, yes because, all right, weíll give it to Clay...

CF: No, no, I donít want it.

NP: Thirty seconds, Clement...

CF: I didnít challenge!

NP: ... on my great-uncle Augustus starting now.

CF: I didnít...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: All right! Weíll give it to you!

DN: Itís my uncle anyway!

NP: Thirty-six seconds on my great-uncle Augustus starting now.

DN: He formed a liaison with a chamber maid, and one day took her to Scindleís Hotel near Maidenhead, where he was observed by a Mrs Poppington-Green who reported him to his brother George, who told Mother, who told Father...

BUZZ

NP: And Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Repetition of who told.

NP: Yes there was too much telling going on, wasnít there. Andree you have the subject now and a point of course for a correct challenge, and there are 21 and a half seconds left on my great-uncle Augustus starting now.

AM: My great-uncle Augustus was sometimes known as Uncle Willy. And...í

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Sorry, sorry, I slipped.

NP: An incorrect challenge so Andree you gain a point, keep the subject, and there are 17 seconds on my great-uncle Augustus starting now.

AM: He had a passion for marshmallows. And every Christmas, the great-nieces and nephews gave him packets with this confectionery. And in return received a tip, according to what age you were. Five bob if you were at that number of years, six, oh...

BUZZ

NP: Um Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Because she was trying to alter her flow of words to get the different ones. Two and a half seconds on my great-uncle Augustus, Derek starting now.

DN: He went to India, starboard out, and married a Mrs Vindaloo who was very hot stuff...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle that Ian Messiter so elegantly blows beside me tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment as you probably know now gains an extra point. Derek achieved it, heís gained a commanding lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones your turn, will you talk now on the subject of what I find a bit tricky. Thatís what Ianís thought of, will you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I find it a bit tricky to come here and talk about any subject without repeating myself, deviating from it or even hesitating. But Iíve discovered that if you can speak and donít care whether you bore the living daylights out of everybody, and just go on pouring out word after, one after the other, ah, you...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Ah hesitation.

NP: I disagree.

AM: He went uh!

NP: No, he went very well. Yes there was a...

AM: Loud as life.

NP: No, no, he kept going with a, stumbled over a very difficult phrase, kept going, I disagree with the challenge. Peter youíve got another point and you have 36 seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now.

PJ: And I can, I suppose, describe this palatial building in which weíre situated... hello Iris! Good heavens, Iíve just seen someone I know in the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Deviation.

NP: What?

AM: Iris is not a bit tricky, I know her very well!

DN: Well she might be!

NP: I agree Andree, I donít quite know what this palatial building has got to do with what I find a bit tricky. So Iím going to give that one to you Andree and you have a point for a correct challenge and 29 seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now.

AM: Standing on one leg with your right arm tied behind you at the top of a telegraph pole eating a bowl of spaghetti is a bit...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Deviation. Must be, mustnít it? I mean, itís practically perversion!

NP: It might be perversion, it might be worse. Itís still jolly tricky! More than a bit tricky! Impossibly tricky! Andree I disagree with Peterís challenge, you have another point and there are 21 seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now.

AM: Is what I find a bit tricky. But it can be done if you lift the said object to your lips, open your mouth wide, and slurp it down, it is no longer as tricky as it seems...

BUZZ

NP: Peter, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Derek. Six seconds on what I find a bit tricky starting now.

DN: What I find a bit tricky is wearing a dickie, when I havenít a shirt at all. You can hold it down, but it causes a frown and covers... I donít remember the rest of it!

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went and er, and so he gained that extra point. Andree your turn to begin, the subject is my cat. Sixty seconds starting now.

AM: My cat is white and called Cleopatra, Cleo for short. And very strange in her habits. She prefers dog food, and has been heard to growl and very occasionally bark. She had three kittens just lately, did manage to feed them, and then took no notice at all so isnít very maternal. Weíve had her spayed, I think itís called, donít know how you spell it. She was purple all round the middle of her tummy and shay... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Oh oooh, hesitation.

NP: Oh yes, a definite hesitation. She thought of the spayed and ah paused. Twenty, 31 seconds on my cat, Derek starting now.

DN: My cat is called Great-uncle Augustus after a relation I once had, who formed a liaison with a chamber maid...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Of the previous um subject!

NP: Yes but you see, he hadnít used the words and thatís repetition...

PJ: He canít go on talking about this! It was bad enough for the first minute! He canít go on doing it, each time he...

NP: Well Peter, he can, as long as he uses the words, um, doesnít use the words twice in any particular round, he can say whatever he likes in this game. So an incorrect challenge, 25 seconds Derek on my cat starting now.

DN: My cat was Siamese in fact. And I once paid a special visit to Thailand hoping to find his forebears. The interesting thing was that although I landed in Bangkok and went as far north as Changmai, not once did I see a cat of this particular species. I saw Persian and I even saw Manx, but not... for one moment...

BUZZ

NP: Clement...

DN: Who did that?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, six seconds Clement on my cat, starting now.

CF: My cat is white, and known as Cat, unlike my dog who barks at the mail long before the postman...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, he gained that extra point. And he is surprisingly in fourth place at the end of that round. Peter Jones is in third place, one point behind Andree Melly. But Derek Nimmo has a very definite lead. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, the subject, how I remember names. Can you talk on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I remember names because I have a particularly good memory. But there is a book currently on the market which is called How To Remember Names, and is written by a man, if the cover picture is anything to go by, who is a raving lunatic with black hair. And his theory is that when you go to a party, and someone says ďthis is Mister HinklebockerĒ, you think of a hinkle and remember it each time you meet him further during the evening. And all I can say is that he must got to some very strange gatherings, because Iíve never met anyone called by that appellation in the entire party-going career...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

CF: Party hyphen going.

PJ: Repetition of party.

CF: Party-going.

NP: I am going to allow it, there was two parties. Twenty seconds Peter, for you on how I remember names starting now.

PJ: Well I always try to associate them with a particular thing. Like for instance Parsons, I try to remember by thinking of the church. Iím quite apt when I see him next to say ďhello, Mister BishopĒ, or Vicars or something like that...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: And a hesitation there.

NP: I think Iíll let you have that hesitation Andree and you have seven seconds on how I remember names starting now.

AM: Iím very bad at remembering names, and inclined to call people ďloveĒ which they donít like, ďdarlingĒ being a bit too actressy and some...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly speaking then when the whistle went, gained the extra point and sheís moved forward and sheís catching up Derek Nimmo whoís still in the lead. Derek, your turn to begin, the subject, things I collect. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I collect particularly Roman and Greek earthenware, and Staffordshire pottery which I find particularly attractive...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of particularly.

NP: Yes, 50 seconds for you...

CF: And it was boring as well! I mean particularly boring!

NP: Fifty seconds Clement for you on things I collect starting now.

CF: Things I collect tend to be what I can put in my kitchen. Herbs and spices and condiments, sugar, salt, potatoes, rice, marjoram, basil...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I canít believe that he collects sugar! Thatís beyond belief!

CF: Iíve got a very good collection.

NP: Iím inclined to believe you Peter, somebody might buy sugar to use...

PJ: Heís hoarding sugar, thatís quite a different thing!

NP: Hoarding sugar...

PJ: Exactly!

NP: But to collect it, yes, good challenge Peter. Thirty-nine seconds on things I collect starting now.

PJ: I am apt to have a mania for collecting things. Anything that I find Iíve got two of, I want to possess more. And this applies for instance to walking sticks. I have about six. The problem is finding somewhere to put them. Iíve decided to hang them on the wall like pictures, one above the other vertically. And of course the house isnít quite tall enough for this so...

DN LAUGHS LOUDLY

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek, you rotten thing!

DN: Well I laughed and he hesitated!

NP: I know!

PJ: Itís a foul!

DN: It was my secret weapon!

PJ: Itís a foul!

NP: All I can say to the others, think of your own secret weapon and see if you can achieve the same result. Derek, yes, you achieved it and ah there are 13 seconds for you on things I collect starting now.

DN: Things I collect include secret weapons such as Heinkels and I often find that stuck on a wall, end to end...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heinkels, if he does collect them which I doubt, are not secret weapons! Theyíre aeroplanes.

AM: End to end.

NP: Yes, end to end was very...

DN: He didnít challenge on that one!

PJ: What?

DN: You didnít challenge on repetition.

PJ: Well I am, Iím um...

NP: Heinkels...

DN: Deviation.

PJ: On deviation.

NP: Yes, to put an aeroplane on your wall end to end is very...

CF: He didnít say that.

NP: So um, very devious indeed. Five seconds for you Peter on things I collect starting now.

PJ: I mooch around looking in rubbish dumps trying to find works of art...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Derek challenged... Derek you challenged before the whistle.

DN: Repetition of find actually.

NP: Yes you were finding before, very well done Derek. Thereís half a second on things I collect starting now.

DN: Mezzerschmitts...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek increased his lead at the end of that round with a few points including the one for speaking as the whistle went and now Andree Melly and Peter Jones are equal in second place, and Clement Freud is still in fourth place. Peter, your turn to begin, the subject, after things I collect, things I throw away. Probably the same things as you collect, we heard the list. Would you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I always throw away all the circulars that come through the letterbox. And Iíve had a long war with one firm of American magazine people who have been sending them down the years to my house. And Iíve written to say that I passed away some years ago, thereís no point! I had my wife send them a letter...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: There were two years there.

NP: When?

AM: There were down the years and some years ago.

NP: Well done, Iím glad you were listening!

AM: Mmmm!

NP: Thirty seconds for you Andree on things I throw away starting now.

AM: Old fish bones, potato peelings, things from Clement Freudís kitchen that heís finished with go into the rubbish dump as quickly as possible, or sometimes the compost heap if suitable... Things...

BUZZ

NP: Peter, ah, Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I agree with that one. Twenty-one seconds with you Clement on things I throw away starting now.

CF: Things I throw away tend to be from my kitchen and are potatoes and rice, sugar, basil, herbs...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Deviation because if he was collecting them, he couldnít be throwing them away.

CF: Now Iím throwing them away! Iím done with them!

NP: Itís a good try Andree, but I mean you can throw away the things you also collect, canít you.

AM: Mmmm.

NP: Thirteen seconds Clement, on things I throw away starting now.

CF: Things I throw away, starting now, are cats and dogs because I donít really care for pets very much. And children, wives, uncles and particularly my great-aunt Augustine...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree your turn to begin, the subject, people who send me flowers. Would you talk about them, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: The people who send me flowers are very special charming delightful members of society. And Iím sure that Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Clement Freud would like to join this select community...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, I wouldnít!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You can be as rude as that and the audience laugh! Youíre a lousy lot! Iím not going to allow the challenge so Andree you have another point and you have 46 seconds on the subject starting now.

AM: Apart from the gentleman on my left, roses, freesias, lovely frilly type flowers are what I like. I donít got for orchids and lilies and the rather waxy type. So...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

AM: Two types there were.

PJ: Two types, yes.

NP: Two types, werenít there, yes. Peter, there are 34 seconds on the subject of people who send me flowers starting now.

PJ: I was very touched the very first time I won...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of very.

PJ: No, no, no, you must have missed that.

CF: Very touched the very first time.

PJ: Thereís an echo! Thereís an echo in the room!

NP: Thirty-one seconds, Clement, on people who send me flowers starting now.

CF: People who send me flowers usually do so for an ulterior motive. People who send me flowers come in all colours, shapes, consignments...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why? Youíre trying to work it out now.

DN: Well it wasnít really hesitation! It was, it was repeating the subject but thatís allowed.

NP: Yes, I know, and just for those who may not know at home, or in the other parts of the world that listen to the programme, you are allowed to repeat the subject at least three times. Clement, an incorrect challenge, another point to you, and 10 seconds on the subject starting now.

CF: An awfully nice woman who stayed in a hospital in Hatchend once went to a floristís shop to purchase a bunch of daffodils and one hyacinth...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud, talking about his private life again, managed to get a lot of points at the end of that round, including of course the one for speaking when the whistle went. And heís now moved to second place, only one behind Derek Nimmo, Andreeís only two behind Clement, and Peterís only one behind Andree. So itís all very close and theyíre all very much behind. Andree, no, still the subject is back with you Clement, itís your turn to begin, the subject is convictions. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Convictions is something that I have a lot of, the first one at the age of nine for aiding and abetting. And convictions to put it another way, is something the chairman has very little of, in that he doesnít even possess the courage of his lack of convictions... (pauses for laugh that doesnít come)

BUZZ

CF: That went rather well didnít it!

NP: Peter Jones.

CF: Didnít you think that went well?

PJ: Yes it did. But you did pause, you started waiting.

CF: Well I was expecting the anti-Parsons brigade to burst into spontaneous applause.

NP: But donít you realise...

CF: And theyíre not in tonight!

PJ: No, there was a sharp intake of breath in Row Five! Really loving! I think it was an intake of breath!

NP: You donít realise youíve built up a very big fan following with your manner Clement. But I er um whatever, whoever had challenged then after the awful things you said, I would have allowed it. But actually it was a very legitimate challenge of hesitation. To Peter Jones and 41 seconds, convictions starting now.

PJ: One of them I remember, the magistrate said ďthree pounds, or 30 days?Ē I was new to police courts, I said ďIíll take the three pounds!Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh what a pity Peter! Thirty-three seconds on convictions with you Clement starting now.

CF: One that I always remember is of a leper in Brighton who wanted to get to Hove, but didnít have the necessary bells with which to proceed down the promenade in an easterly direction, which some people thought should have been north. And so moving people from side to the other end of the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: There was two peoples.

NP: Yes youíre perfectly correct Andree, you have nine seconds on convictions starting now.

AM: My strongest conviction is that Clement Freud in that long story was somehow going to prove that he was still keeping to the subject. And thatís why I had to challenge him on...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly got a couple of extra, got a couple of points including one for speaking when the whistle went and now she is in second place. Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo are equal in first place, and itís a very close contest with Peter not far behind. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject, getting in a jam. Can you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Of course, blackcurrant is my absolute favourite, and I rush down to Hartleyís and climb into a great barrel or bucket. And then I plunge into the sticky mess below, licking my fingers as I go, scraping squadrels of the muck and putting it through...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of squadrels!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, AM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís one of the most devious tries Iíve heard for a long time!

PJ: Well, what is it for goodness sake?

NP: I donít know! But itís a good word to think up, when you canít think of a...

PJ: Yeah but you have to speak English or some other known language! You canít...

NP: Thatís a, thatís a sort of ah a Derek Nimmo type English word which ah...

PJ: Oh you canít allow that Nicholas!

NP: Iím going to allow it.

PJ: Someone whoís already about 14 points ahead of everybody else! And heís using words that no-one has ever heard of!

NP: I donít know. Lear thought of some beautiful words that were not in the English dictionary...

PJ: He never played Just A Minute!

NP: Lewis Carroll had a few as well, we accept those, weíll accept squadrels. Getting in a jam, 39 seconds Derek, starting now.

DN: I was driving down Oxford Street the other day, and I saw a great squidrel of traffic coming towards me. So I...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of squidrel.

NP: Yes...

DN: The last lot was a squadrel, this is a squidrel! Not repetition!

NP: Squidrels... yes, but you can have squadrels of jam but you canít have squidrels of traffic.

DN: Why not?

NP: Because it doesnít sound right! Peter you have 33 seconds on getting in a jam starting now.

PJ: Well there were a lot of boopiters and bassitisers where I was driving by, and you see nuncumpardons at the blahgitrooch...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you did hesitate.

PJ: I did hesitate, yes.

NP: If you try and think up too many new words, youíre bound to fall down. Twenty-four seconds Clement on getting in a jam starting now.

CF: Between the hours of eight-thirty and 10 in the morning, and especially after four-thirty in the afternoon...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Two thirties.

CF: I didnít say two-thirty, I said four-thirty!

NP: Yes but there were two thirties. So Andree has another point, there are nine seconds Andree on getting in a jam starting now.

AM: If you challenge people on words that arenít in a dictionary, you can get in a jam as we have just seen with Mister Peter Jones over there...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: We heard it!

NP: And weíve also seen it because Andree was here witnessing it. So sheís entitled to say weíve just seen over there. And so there are three seconds for Andree on getting in a jam starting now.

AM: Never challenge Nicholas Parsons or...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of challenge.

PJ: Yes.

AM: Yes. Yes.

NP: Yes, how clever you are Clement, because I must tell you now, this is the last subject and your clever thinking, your quick buzzing has got you in with one second to go and youíre now in the lead and you have one second on getting in a jam starting...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: Iíll try anything!

NP: And I knew you would!

DN: Extra sensory perception!

NP: I knew you would and thatís why I paused! So Clement, that challenge came in before I said now, so we donít allow it. You have one second on getting in a jam starting... now.

CF: Getting in a jam!

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you at home who thought your sets had gone dead for a moment, it was only just all of us pausing for a change. We have now finished this edition of Just A Minute, so Iíll give you the final score. Peter Jones with much aplomb and tremendous er shine and wit did extraordinarily well, but did finish in fourth place. We had two equal people in second place, that was Derek Nimmo and Andree Melly. Derek just lost the lead at the end, once again to this weekís winner Clement Freud! We hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Bob Oliver Rogers.