JAM:PMerton,CFreud,LSmith,RNoble
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, LINDA SMITH and ROSS NOBLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 July 2002)

NOTE: Lottie Barker's first appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my infinite pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show this week four distinctive, dynamic and diverse personalities who are once more going to display their spontaneous wit, their verbal dexterity and ingenuity as they try and speak on a subject that I give them, and they do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And those four people are, on my right itís Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And on my left Linda Smith and Ross Noble. Would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Lottie Barker whoís going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Marlowe Theatre in that beautiful cathedral, historic city of Canterbury. And we have in front of us...

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: In that wonderful county of Kent, the garden of England. And we have in front of us a fine Kentish audience ready to cheer us on our way. And we begin the show with Clement Freud. And how apt can you be, the subject is Canterbury tales. Clement, tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Geoffrey Chaucer wrote The Canterbury Tales, and would have us believe that it was done on horseback by 31 people. He wrote
ďAt night there came into that hostelry...Ē
meaning the Tarboard at Suffolk,
ďFull nine and twenty in a company,
Of sundry folk, by aventure fallen
In fellowship, and pilgrims were they all,
That toward Canterbury would ride;
The chambers and the stables were wide,
And well we were esed at our best.
But shortly, here the sunny had to rest,
So had I spoken to them every one,
That I was of their fellowship anon...Ē

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well sometimes in Just A Minute I give out bonus points. But Iím going to give it out right away for that because to suddenly have a subject thrown at you, and recite some of Geoffrey Chaucerís words like that, was a real... piece de resistance. So a bonus point before we even start. Linda Smith challenged, whatís your challenge Linda?

LINDA SMITH: Ah itís very lovely, um, but two fellowships.

NP: Yes there was a fellowship, you did repeat fellowship.

PAUL MERTON: Well strictly speaking...

LS: You canít have too many!

PM: Thatís Chaucerís fault! Thatís not Clementís fault! If anything, you should take a bonus point off Geoffrey Chaucer!

NP: Clementís going through it in his mind and wondering if he did repeat fellowship. You did say it at the beginning and later on. So ah Linda, you have a correct challenge, and in this game you get a point for that, and you take over the subject of Canterbury Tales, and there are 23 seconds starting now.

LS: In the Canterbury Tales the p-pilgrims to Canterbury...

BUZZ

NP: Ross you challenged.

ROSS NOBLE: There was a bit of a pa-pa-pah-pah!

LS: No! Actually that was Chaucerian English!

RN: Oh really?

LS: I wouldnít expect you to know that, Ross.

RN: It sounded, it sounded a little bit to me like the Pearl and Dean advert! Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-papapa!

LS: Well it was actually. Itís very similar, it goes pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pilgrims.

NP: Yes. Ross we do interpret that as hesitation.

RN: Thanks.

NP: So you have the subject, you have Canterbury Tales, you have 19 seconds starting now.

RN: The best one was the Parsonís Tale. That was where a man got three people together in a radio environment...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, there was no Parsonís Tale.

SHOUTS OF ďOOOOHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Heís right, there was no Parsonís Tale. I thought you were going to say something lovely...

SHOUT OF ďTHERE WAS!Ē FROM THE AUDIENCE

RN: Hang on!

PM: Thatís not Geoffrey Chaucer, is it?

RN: Iíll tell you what, the amount of gigs where he turned up, just...

NP: Is there somebody in the audience who thinks there was a Parsonís Tale?

SOMEONE SHOUTS A BRIEF DESCRIPTION, FOLLOWED BY APPLAUSE

NP: Right.

RN: But the best thing is right, itís the only one I know! Because I was wandering around today and I got a book and I just flicked straight to the back.

NP: Ross you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you have the subject...

RN: Okay.

NP: And there are 14 seconds on the Parsonís Tale... no, no, Iím sorry! On...

RN: Youíre, youíre so used to offering a bit of Parsons tail around town, arenít you!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I could take that further, but itís radio, and I think weíll respect peopleís sensitivities. Um, 14 seconds, Canterbury Tales starting now.

RN: There was a cookís story as well, I believe, which involved a young boy on a moped who would go to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: (laughing) There was a Cookís Tale, he didnít have a moped.

NP: He didnít have a moped.

PM: It was a Harley Davidson, wasnít it.

RN: Yeah it was.

NP: In your fantasy world, maybe. What a pity. Clement, correct challenge, you have eight seconds, the subject is now, or still Canterbury Tales starting now.

CF: The Canterbury Tales...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Sorry, I forgot to mention it was a donkey that looked a bit like a moped.

NP: Itís too late now Ross.

RN: Sorry!

NP: If youíre not careful, if you do too many interruptions, the other people get points.

RN: Iím meant to be trying to win this? Sorry!

NP: But I wonít charge any points on this occasion...

CF: Why not?

NP: Well I suppose thatís only fair, you were interrupted...

CF: Yeah!

NP: ... and those are the rules of the game, thatís how it works. Right Clement, another point to you, you love getting your points, and Iím giving them to you! Right and you have seven seconds, Canterbury Tales, starting now.

CF: But nay the less, while I have time and space,
Ere that I farther in this taly pace,
To tell you all the condition
Of each of them, so as they seem to me...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud, so naturally heís in the lead at the end of that round. It made me think...

PM: Clementís just said that he knows the whole of The Canterbury Tales.

NP: Well Iím afraid we havenít got time for it all.

PM: Havenít we? Itís an achievement though, isnít it.

NP: Itís an achievement, yes. I just think it shows itís taken him all these years to show that his education wasnít wasted!

SHOUTS OF ďOOOHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, I didnít mean that as a snide remark! I was trying to pay him a compliment. And to show that he was a well-educated man.

LS: It is a useful trick, I think, to be able to do that.

NP: Yes.

RN: He might be in a pub quiz, can you do the whole of The Canterbury Tales?

NP: I think weíll get on with Just A Minute. Ross would you take the next round, the subject is mumbo jumbo. We have a lot of that in Just A Minute because they have to keep going under pressure. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

RN: A lot of people think that donkeys disguised as mopeds is mumbo jumbo. But Iím here to prove them wrong. I have a catalogue backstage, which I would like to show to each and every one of you, to make sure that my particular train of thought on that is correct. But mumbo jumbo of course. There once was a family called the Bojumbo family. There was Mum Bojumbo, there was Dad Bojumbo, and of course as well as that who could forget the little...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Well I donít know really. Is this a repetition of Bojumbo?

RN: No, itís on the card!

NP: No, no...

PM: Part of itís on the card.

NP: Part of itís on the card. You can repeat either the word or the, but youíve actually split a word and created a new word, Bojumbo. So...

RN: I should have an extra point for that then!

NP: The words on the card are mumbo and jumbo. So I think strictly within the rules of Just A Minute, I mean, I have to be fair. But I think thatís a correct challenge Paul. So he split the words and Bojumbo...

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

RN: Iíd run out of family members though! Thatís the trouble!

NP: Iíve got rules to stick to...

PM: Well, six people donít agree with it!

NP: I know.

PM: Out of 500!

NP: I know you have your favourites, and I know, but please, one has to make these difficult decisions. Um Paul, a correct challenge...

PM: All right, Nicholas, yeah.

NP: Thirty-three seconds, mumbo jumbo starting now.

PM: When the first elephant appeared at Regentís Park in about 1862, the general public were baffled as to what it actually was. Many of them hadnít seen an elephant before. And they wondered whether this strange creature was an amalgamation of different beasts. If you look at the trunk, you could say itís like an anteater. If you look at the huge backside of the creature, it could be something that youíve seen once standing against a wall in deepest Romford...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Er a little hesitation there, but I think there was a repe, not a hesitation, I mean deviation.

NP: Why?

LS: Oh youíve confused me now with your questions.

NP: What was the deviation, my love?

LS: Oh, he did something. What did he do? I donít know.

NP: He didnít hesitate, that was your first challenge.

LS: No, what did he do? Oh there was a repetition before that.

RN: He repeated...

NP: This is too late now, itís too late.

LS: Oh.

NP: Your first challenge was hesitation, and I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute.

LS: Well I thought he did hesitate a little bit, sort of stumbled. Is that called hesitation?

NP: No, no, he kept going quite wonderfully...

LS: Oh did he? Oh all right.

RN: Nicholas, he did actually repeat creature.

NP: I know, but donít say it now because you lost out!

RN: But, but I was miles away, I forgot to press my button!

NP: I know! He did repeat something but nobody spotted it. Paul...

LS: I was miles away and I did press my button, and thatís even worse!

PM: Well I canít help you! I wasnít listening to a word of it! Absolute rubbish!

NP: I know but...

PM: Iím surprised they broadcast that kind of stuff!

NP: Well we do in Just A Minute! Youíd be surprised!

PM: Do you? Do you really?

NP: Iíve heard some other lovely rubbish from you on occasions Paul, which is memorable. You have two seconds, you have an incorrect challenge, a point for that of course, two seconds, mumbo jumbo starting now.

PM: If you say it the other way itís jumbo mumbo, and that doesnít make any sense at all! Did you say two seconds? Thatís more than two seconds...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was speaking when the whistle went, and gained an extra point for doing so. Heís now just one point behind Clement Freud whoís in the lead. You, you spotted the repetition but didnít challenge for it.

RN: No, I...

NP: What was it?

RN: What?

NP: What was the repetition?

LS: It was creature.

RN: Creature. Repetition of creature.

NP: Yeah and he also repeated the word look.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes. I say this because I do get letters saying ďwhy didnít you tell them?Ē Iíve told them now. So right...

PM: You say you get these letters but nobodyís ever actually seen them!

NP: Because I answer them, Iím very very conscientious in that respect.

PM: Shall I tell you something Nicholas?

NP: What?

PM: Itís me that sends those letters!

NP: I wondered why they were so illiterate! I have to get back occasionally Paul! No ill feeling meant! Right, so Linda your turn, will you take the subject, the American dream. What a lovely subject. Talk on it if you can, 60 seconds starting now.

LS: The American dream, well, I suppose the American dream is epitomised by George W Bush, a man who has worked his way up from a humble Presidentís son to be the first citizen of his country by sheer graft! And I mean that in the true sense of the word. I believe the American dream to have served other people less well. For example, the salesman in Death Of A person-who-does-the-job-I-just-mentioned, a very well-known American play. Willie Loman, the American dream doesnít work out very well for him, because he dies in fact, so that could hardly be worse! Another person for whom the American dream failed is the... person...

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

LS: Thank you for your pity!

NP: You, you went, you went for 47 seconds.

LS: Thatís a first!

NP: No, it is very difficult in this game. And you kept going through that wonderful applause you got. You had to keep going because you otherwise would have been interrupted. Wonderful, and they enjoyed it so much. But you were challenged by Paul, what was it?

PM: Repetition of person.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid there was.

LS: Yes.

NP: Twelve seconds Paul, you tell us something about the American dream starting now.

PM: It is the belief in American society that one day, it doesnít matter who you are, you can grow up and become President of the United States of America. And just look at the...

BUZZ

NP: Er Clement you challenged.

CF: Repetition of America.

NP: Yes because itís American on here.

PM: Oh yes.

NP: You can repeat the words on the card, but not America, itís American on the card. So well listened Clement, two seconds to go, tell us something about the American dream starting now.

CF: Sleepless In Seattle never ever had an American dream...

WHISTLE

NP: The un, Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point, heís increased his lead over Paul Merton. But I think the irony of this particular show is Linda Smith went wonderfully for 47 seconds, had you in stitches out there, and she didnít get any points at all.

LS: Not one? Not one?

NP: No, because you were challenged, you see.

LS: Oh!

NP: They got the subject over, they get points for challenging, correct challenge...

LS: So itís a cruel world!

NP: Itís a cruel game, but you are appreciated.

LS: Thank you Nicholas!

NP: Yes and strictly by this audience here. Paul will you take the next round, the subject pizzaz. Thatís a good subject isnít it. Tell us something about pizzaz in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Pizzaz, itís an extraordinary word. Let me spell it for you. P-I-Z, well I think the rest of it you can imagine! Itís an extraordinary term... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Too extraordinary.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so. Clement, correct challenge, 52 seconds available, tell us something about pizzaz starting now.

CF: Pizzaz is the plural of pizza, and you can get them almost anywhere. Anchovies, sardine, beef, oregano...

BUZZ

CF: ...parsley, chive...

NP: Ross has challenged. Ross, your challenge?

RN: Oh just let him have it!

NP: You were just irritated by the fact that he can...

RN: Heís listing again! But no, itís good. I was thinking he was...

LS: Ross, I was writing down that recipe!

RN: I think, I think there was like a slight hesitation. But then, I donít know.

NP: No, no, no, he was listing and it just got to you, didnít it.

RN: Yes it did! Dohh!

NP: Yes, pizzaz is still with you, another point as well, 42 seconds available starting now.

CF: If you go to any pisaria and ask for pizzaz, they will know exactly what you want. Might ask, request information...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Actually, I suppose it would be deviation from the Italian language. Shouldnít it be pizzeria rather than pisaria?

NP: Oh!

PM: Well I didnít, it didnít sound like they were selling pizzas!

NP: No, no. I think...

LS: I tell you I wouldnít go in! Iíll tell you that!

PM: I wouldnít go near it!

NP: I think, I think thatís a um moot point, I donít think so. Pronunciation of pizzeria whether you do it the Italian way or the Anglicised version, I donít think we could allow that one Linda. A pity because Iíd love to hear from you again. But Clement has got a point and there are 34 seconds starting now.

CF: If you go to a place where they sell pizzas and ask where the pisa is...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Havenít we had ďif you goĒ before as a phrase?

NP: Yes you did, you had ďif you goĒ.

PM: Yeah and itís repetition.

NP: Paul, you have a correct challenge, you have 28 seconds, pizzaz starting now.

PM: Al Jolson amongst the old entertainers could best be described as a man of pizzaz. They used to say he wouldnít need a microphone, just bound on to the stage, grab the audience by the scruff of the neck and beat the living daylights out of them! And by the end of the evening as the songs rolled out of their ears, California Here I Come...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Ross challenged.

RN: Um deviation because the songs, they roll out of the mouth into the ears, and not actually out of the ears themselves.

PM: No, but in the brain, theyíve got to come out of the ears. Otherwise theyíre stuck there and they canít hear anything.

NP: I see what you mean but on the other hand you could also say it went into the brain and they didnít want to retain it so they came out again. So I mean, you know...

RN: But he said he had pizzaz! If he didnít, if he had pizzaz, it would have retained it...

NP: Yeah, we could go on arguing like this for the rest of the night!

RN: Iíll draw you a diagram!

NP: I think, I think...

RN: Here is an ear...

NP: I think Ross, I think itís a far-fetched challenge. Thereís a certain amount of truth in it. I have to give the benefit of the doubt to Paul on this occasion and say Paul you still have the subject, you have nine seconds, pizzaz starting now.

PM: In todayís modern show business world, itís very hard to find people of a certain stature. Perhaps Shirley Bassey who can belt out a tune louder...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Ah belt, the other chap belted.

NP: Whatís-his-name was belting it out before.

PM: I canít believe I repeated the word ďbeltĒ! When Iím not even talking about belts!

NP: Yes!

PM: Thatís extraordinary!

NP: Well you were talking about people who belt out songs.

PM: Yes!

NP: It came out naturally, right. So Clement you had a correct challenge, you have got one second, pizzaz starting now.

CF: Shirley Bassey!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud with other points, speaking as the whistle went, cleverly getting in just beforehand, has increased his lead ahead of Paul Merton, Linda Smith and Ross Noble in that order. And Ross your turn to begin, the subject, ah, a good topical subject for Canterbury, Thomas aíBeckett. Tell us something about that character in this game starting now.

RN: Thomas aíBeckett, as all local people know, was actually named after a pub! Thatís right! His father, this good old-fashioned man who used to bring him up when he was a kid, was in fact very much enjoyed the places of drinking and in fact had a penchant for...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of fact.

NP: Yes.

RN: Oh I tried not to say enjoyed, oh!

NP: I know, this, this is the toughness of this game. So Clement, 42 seconds available, you tell us something about Thomas aíBeckett starting now.

CF: Thomas aíBeckett is a gymnasium in east London where Henry Cooper and many other boxers trained before their bouts. I think the gym was called after a man who was sainted, who was Archbishop of Canterbury, lived in the 12th century. And I donít know too much about him, other than... that...

NP: Someone challenge!

CF: ... he was canonised...

BUZZ

NP: Ross you challenged.

RN: Well he was about to hesitate then, wasnít he!

NP: Start to hesitate? He never stopped hesitating! Iíve never known anything go on! I thought they none of them want this subject.

RN: Well he deviated then.

NP: They donít want it so they let him go on struggling like that. Yes he definitely hesitated.

RN: Yes he hesitated then.

NP: Yes. He almost ground to a halt. Ross you have 18 seconds on Thomas aíBeckett starting now.

RN: That information that Clement just gave was absolutely correct, and I know all those facts as well and I would have said that had...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of facts.

NP: Yes! Clement you have 10 seconds on Thomas aíBeckett starting now.

CF: TS Eliotís play Murder In The Cathedral was based on Thomas aíBeckett who met his end in that ecclesiastical palace in Kent, not far...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freudís knowledge of history, though he didnít know, 1171, Henry the Second. Fourteen, heís got so many points, heís way ahead of Paul Merton, Linda Smith and Ross Noble in that order. And Linda, your turn to begin, the subject is sailors. Hello, sailor. Give us something on that subject, in this game starting now.

LS: Sailors, my favourite sailor has to be Ella McCarthy. What a marvellous feat of sailing round the world she did. It must have been very hard wrestling with the sails alone. You know yourself how hard it is with a duvet. You need two people and then you donít make a very good fist of it. It usually leads to a row and someone stomping off saying ďoh well I thought weíd changed it three weeks ago, anywayĒ. And that usually tends to be the man and you say ďyes, youíre supposed to change them every week actually, at least...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I think this is very much a personal issue for Linda Smith. I think changing duvets has moved on quite a bit from sailors.

NP: So what is your challenge?

PM: Deviation from the subject.

NP: Yes I think it has.

PM: I admit that sailors would sometimes change duvets.

NP: There was, there was another mistake she made.

LS: Even more difficult in a storm!

PM: Yes!

NP: Right weíll give you deviation Paul, and itís 33 seconds for you on sailors starting now.

PM: Well of course if you didnít have sailors, there wouldnít be boats. And if you didnít have boats... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Thatís the fun of the game as well as the toughness of it! Right, you got it back it again, sailors with you, 28 seconds Linda, starting now.

LS: Sailors are the sea borne wing of the Armed Forces. They are the... soldiers of the watery substance that surrounds our island. And theyíre very much like those land warriors, except that they have a more relaxed attitude to the obviously homophomic ele... elements...

BUZZ

LS: Oh! I, I invented a word!

NP: I know!

LS: Point for me!

NP: No, Iím sorry, not, Linda, right.

PM: Do you get homophomic elephants? Does that...

LS: Yeah! Theyíre called Mumbo Jumbo!

PM: Ah!

NP: Right, Ross...

LS: Homophomic, that must count for something, that word.

NP: Yeah. What was your challenge Ross?

RN: Homophomic.

NP: Homophomic, deviation...

RN: Deviation from an actual word.

NP: ... from English as we understand it...

RN: Yes.

NP: ... and use it and normally speak it...

RN: Yep.

NP: Even in Just A Minute. Ross youíve got a correct challenge and you have 11 seconds, you have sailors starting now.

RN: All sailors have tattoos. They also eat spinach and thatís the way they fight off big burly men that try and get off with their very skinny girlfriends that have got names similar to that of cooking stuffs, ie. Olive Oyl...

WHISTLE

NP: So Ross Noble was speaking when the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and er heís er, oh well heís moved forward but heís still in third place. And er Paul, oh weíre moving into the last round. So let me give you the situation before we do move into the last round. Linda Smith is trailing a little. She has some points and has done very well. In fact sheís spoken longer than most people but hasnít got many points which is very sad. Ross Nobleís contributed well, heís in third place. But Paul Merton in second place is just a little way behind our leader Clement Freud as we move into the final round. And Paul Merton, itís your turn to begin, and the subject is the gutter press. Oh yes! Yes tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PM: The gutter press, yesterdayís trees, tomorrowís fish and chips. Not many people take much notice of what they read in the gutter news apart of course from the individuals that are featured. Imagine your embarrassment if you were caught consorting with prostitutes and taking cocaine?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: What an enormous, terrible thing that would be if you had to appear on television while people pointed fingers at you and general laughter. Itís an incredible thing that this should happen in this day and age. Here we are in the 21st century, why canít show business stars spend the BBC licence-payerís money as they see fit? If they find a strumpet in a hotel, give her 50 quid, sheís probably worth it!

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Linda you challenged.

LS: Yeah, partly just for the, you know, out of common decency really! But also...

NP: Who are you protecting?

LS: Well, who knows? I donít know what you get up to, Nicholas!

NP: So darling Iíve got to have a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute.

LS: No, the challenge was repetition of hotel.

PM: Really?

NP: Yes, you mentioned...

PM: Are you sure about that Nicholas?

NP: Yes, earlier on you said about a hotel room, and then you said about the strumpet in this other hotel.

PM: Oh yeah, different hotels you see.

NP: Yes.

PM: Same chain but different hotels.

NP: Iíll tell you what weíll do, Iíve done this before in this game. If something goes particularly well and you ride your laughs and so forth, we throw out those bonus points. I did it for Clement Freud recently, I give it to you again. A bonus point to Paul for his er positive reaction from the audience for his hilarious piece. And Linda you have a correct challenge and you have 23 seconds, the gutter press starting now.

LS: I was once a victim of the gutter press. It was The Ayrwith And Crayford Observer incorporating The Kentish Times. They reported a joke I told on television about my home town which was the first mention of the places in the name of that publication. I said it was boring on the means of communication that I have previously described...

BUZZ

NP: And Ross challenged.

RN: I think that was every single one, wasnít it?

NP: Yes, indeed yes. I think you were being a bit unkind. I mean the look on Lindaís face as she struggled to keep going then was such that you, you were enjoying it, and the audience were. They were laughing with her.

RN: Yes.

NP: And your challenge, yes, what is it?

RN: Iíve forgotten now!

LS: Which is what comedyís all about, after all.

RN: It was a repetition of previously.

NP: Thatís right.

RN: Yes.

NP: And one second, youíve got in with one second to go Ross.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It is the game!

RN: All right! Have it back then!

NP: Those are the rules! Really! Youíve been listening to it now for nearly 30 minutes, Iíd have thought youíd have realised that by now! Ross you have the gutter press and one second to tell us something about it starting now.

RN: The gutter press, I was...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I said before that round started, it was to be the last. And itís very sad, we have to bring the show to a close.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím glad youíve enjoyed it because itís given us such pleasure to help you enjoy it. Right so let me tell you the situation. Linda who did so well and you loved seeing her didnít you in all the way she struggled, she finished in fourth place. But she gave such good value. Such good value. And Ross Noble gave great value as well but he finished in third place. And Paul Merton always gives great value, I mean youíve cheered him already this evening. He got a lot of points. But he didnít quite catch up Clement Freud. You should give a round of applause for the other two as you gave one to Paul as well.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, no, I must explain to the listeners, that was Paul milking it! But now a final round of applause for the winner this week, Clement Freud! I must thank these four outstanding players of the game, Paul Merton, Linda Smith, Ross Noble and Clement Freud. I also thank Lottie Barker who has helped me keep the score, sheís blown her whistle so elegantly. We also thank our producer, Claire Jones who does such a marvellous job. And we are also indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are also thankful to this lovely audience here in the Marlowe Theatre in Canterbury in this beautiful area of Kent, the garden of England. Weíve come to the garden and youíve given us a wonderful, horticultural, spontaneous, fabulous reaction! Until we play Just A Minute again, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC