JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 24 December 1973)

NOTE: John Cassells's final show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we have four of our regular competitors who are just about to do battle in this verbal battle of wits, and try and speak if they can for just one minute on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. This week weíre going to begin the show with Derek Nimmo, and the subject is my dustbin. So can you talk about my dustbin Derek, for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My dustbin is a source of constant fury to me. Iím all the time ringing the Kensington Refuse Department to complain about it. Because they will come along and they decant it into great big tea chests. And everything falls out if it. And the refuse collectors then sort of dig around inside, and select various things. Theyíll pick up some leaves, ďthatís garden rubbish, we donít take thatĒ. And then theyíll take bricks out and put those on one side, and say ďthatís building refuse, we wonít take that away eitherĒ. And all the time, one is involved with these quite senseless battles. And you ring up and say ďthis is a load of old rubbish!Ē And they say ďI know it is, and thatís why weíre here!Ē Sometimes on a cool June morning, I go down, very quietly, down the cellar stairs to look at my dustbin. And I give it a coat of pale yellow paint, and write upon it in letters of pink, the following message. ďWhosoever writes...Ē (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Hesitation.

NP: Yes as well as the fact they were very generous, because you did say take three times.

SH: He said refuse ever so many times.

NP: I donít know why they were so generous. Thatís a correct challenge which I agree with so she gains a point, she gets the subject of my dustbin, and there are five seconds left Sheila, starting now.

SH: My dustbin is named Ellie Jane. It is my daughter and if thereís any food left anywhere...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as you probably know whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, which tells us by the way that 60 seconds is up, gains an extra point. It was Sheila Hancock and she is the only one to score any points at the end of that round, she has two. Kenneth Williams, will you begin the next round please. The subject, oh dear! Iíve just seen what it is. Lust! Kenneth can you talk on lust for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Iím not qualified to discuss it!

SH: Oh!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well itís hesitation.

KW: there was no hesitation! I stopped! You great fool!

NP: The subject now Derek is with you, because I agree with your challenge, there are 56 and a half seconds on lust.

DN: This is something we must try to spend all of our lives conquering. I know I have cold baths...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, you speak for yourself!

DN: I am doing!

SH: You said we must all try and spend all our lives conquering it.

DN: You donít?

SH: No!

DN: Have you got away with it?

SH: If I can speak to the subject, I will explain.

NP: Sheila you have another point and 50 seconds on lust starting now.

SH: I think lust is a very healthy emotion. It doesnít have to be taken...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, I donít!

NP: Well it doesnít matter!

SH: I didnít say we did!

NP: That is your opinion and...

DN: It was my opinion the first time!

NP: She was not deviating from the subject on the card of lust and she has 46 seconds with it now starting now.

SH: Because without it, possibly men would achieve very little. It doesnít have to be taken, you know, in the sexual connutation. You can...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, there is no such word as connutation, she must mean connotation. Connutation doesnít exist.

NP: Yes but when you have to keep going... Kenneth when you have to keep going under great pressure with Kenneth Williams just ready to pick you up on pronunciation of words...

SH: Let him have it!

NP: ... Peter Jones trying to pick you up on other things, and Derek Nimmo trying to pressurise you on everything under the sun because he sits next to her...

PETER JONES: You canít give it to him! Heís already told us that he hasnít anything to say on the subject!

SH: Exactly!

NP: So Sheila keeps the subject and there are 37 seconds on lust starting now.

SH: Anyway it gives you a lovely tingly good-to-be-alive feeling. I often feel it when I watch men digging the road...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is just developing into a load of filth about her encounters regarding all these men she sees digging in the road. I mean...

NP: Actually if that is your challenge, I have to give it against you. Because you pressed your buzzer before she said men digging in the road.

KW: Well as long as Iím earning her points, thatís all I care about.

NP: Thirty seconds with you Sheila on lust starting now.

SH: Their lovely, brown, sweaty, shiny backs...

KW: Oh!

SH: ... leave a lot to be desired. I also lust, that is I desire very strongly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of desire.

NP: Yes yes that is true.

SH: Yes.

NP: So Derek you have a correct challenge at last and there are 20 seconds left on lust with you starting now.

DN: It is often thought by many people if they take this question in any way seriously that this is not something which human beings should find entirely desirable. Now as for the water beetles, theyíre all right!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Because heís talking about water beetles. And thatís not only a different subject, itís a different week!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the audience applause tells us that they feel you have justified your challenge. You deserve a point and youíll have it, and the subject with five seconds on lust starting now.

PJ: Regarding lust, I go along with St Augustine who prayed thus: ďoh Lord, make me pure but not yet!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: And St Augustine didnít have someone blowing a whistle just as he got to his...

PJ: No, I know, he couldnít have come...

SH: He would have timed it better, wouldnít he!

PJ: Yes.

NP: So anyway Peter, you get a point for speaking when the whistle went...

PJ: Ah thank you very much.

NP: And you move into second place alongside Derek Nimmo.

PJ: Ah! Well we canít choose the company we keep!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Youíve just left the company of Kenneth Williams, you were both on nought before.

PJ: Yes, we were getting on quite well here.

NP: And Sheila Hancockís undoubtedly in the lead and sheís going to begin the next round and the subject, oh weíre going to go through all the seven deadly sins. as Sheila the next subject is pride that Ian Messiterís decided...

SH: Oh!

NP: ... we should use. Will you speak on this one for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is another thing that I think, in small amounts, is desirable. For without it, men have no dignity. In fact one of the saddest things that happens to people who take an excess of drugs or drink is that they lose their pride in their appearance and their life. And they begin to become shabby and unattractive. I suppose because they donít care any more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Itís awfully boring, innit! Dreary!

NP: I didnít think it was, I thought it was very beautifully put...

KW: Oh!

NP: ... she had made a very smart point...

KW: Itíll be hearts and flowers next!

NP: Sheila you have 34 seconds to continue on pride starting now.

SH: My dad was excessively...

KW: Oh dear! (yawns)

SH: ... proud of me. But possibly because...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: ... he spent his childhood particularly, he had a very overemotional way of expression. And I will not be put off by Kenneth Williams! I remember one particular occasion...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation, sheís talking about Kenneth Williams.

NP: What was the challenge?

SH: It was my pride that was making me say I will not be put off by Kenneth Williams.

NP: Yes well I agree...

PJ: And pride goes before a fall!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! Brilliant!

NP: I think the mere fact that she kept going while Kenneth Williams was doing the most ghastly antics on the other side, she more than deserves a point for that challenge of Peter Jones. So she keeps the subject with another point awarded, 17 seconds left starting now.

SH: And I remember him on the first night, when Iíd had a moderate sort of success, grabbing the impresario by his lapels, weeping all over him, and telling him how proud he was of me...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of proud.

NP: Yes, pride...

SH: Ah.

NP: ... is the subject Iím afraid, and you used the word proud before. So that was a correct challenge of Derekís, five seconds with you Derek on pride starting now.

DN: In Nairobi Game Park, in 1964, I saw a pride of lions...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, I donít want to hear about Nairobi and that rubbish!

SH: You donít want to hear about anything!

NP: You donít want to hear about anything, as Sheila said!

KW: Well I havenít said anything for ages!

NP: Well your time will come....

KW: Itís ludicrous! Iíve had to come all the way here from Great Portland Street to be just made a laughing stock!

PJ: Youíve only got about three seconds too! I think they should let you have it!

KW: I think I could manage that!

PJ: Yes!

NP: What happened to Kingís Cross?

KW: No, I left there ages ago!

NP: Oh!

KW: Do you want the details?

NP: Four seconds with you Derek starting now.

DN: I do think itís terribly important to keep a pride in your appearance. To have a nice neat tie on every morning with a clean shirt and your shoes well...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point and heís got quite a few in that round. Heís moving up very quickly on Sheila Hancock who is still in the lead. Peter Jones third place, Kenneth Williams in fourth place and Peter Jones to begin the next round. And weíll be continuing on the subjects of... vanity! So from lust to pride to vanity, Peter your turn to begin, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Vanity of vanities, all is vanity. Now I was so moved by that that I would like to repeat it. But I wonít...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, itís a complete lie, he wasnít moved at all. Heís just saying it.

PJ: Yes I was!

KW: Well if you were moved, why didnít you get up?

NP: The thing is thatís an impossible er challenge on which to make a decision...

KW: I know, Iím only trying to get points.

NP: I know you were. So as I cannot make a decision, I think Iíll have to give it against you and say Peter has 52 seconds to continue with vanity starting now.

PJ: This is something that one does often associate with actors. And itís my own particular vanity to believe that I donít suffer from it. Other people of course try to get larger billing and they are very concerned with the size of their names on the marquee of the theatre. And they with great pride display their theatrical notices and any references to them that are made on the radio or television, in newspapers, are referred to endlessly by them in pubs and other places where performers meet.... Other...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation...

NP: Yes...

SH: ... and deviation, there arenít many actors like that. I donít know any!

NP: Oh I donít know, thereís quite a few. But what amused me then was I felt that Peter was teetering on the edge of hesitation. We were all, did you feel we were all like that?

PJ: Well I was!

NP: All right, well I agree with your challenge Sheila of hesitation, there are 12 seconds on vanity with you now starting now.

SH: Vanity I suppose is an excess of pride. And women are encouraged to do this by stupid magazines which tell them that the appearance is all important...

BUZZ

NP: Peter you challenged.

PJ: Yes.

NP: What was the challenge?

PJ: Well I challenged on the basis that I donít know any more women like this, than she knows actors like the people I was talking about.

NP: So why are you challenging?

PJ: Well same reason she challenged me.

SH: Ah but I won it on hesitation.

NP: Yeah but she won on hesitation, it was nothing to do with deviation. So um Peter this a wrong challenge so Sheila you keep the subject and you have literally one second left on vanity starting now.

SH: Vanity cases are...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo weíd like you to begin the next round and the subject is why I donít live in Kingís Cross.

SH: Ah!

NP: So Iíll give you a second to write it down because itís quite a long one. And so you have 60 seconds on why I donít live in Kingís Cross starting now.

DN: I really have little idea why Nicholas Parsons doesnít live in Kingís Cross. I imagine itís because heís trying to find a little place in Great Portland Street to be near to Kenneth Williams, of whom everybody Iím sure in this whole auditorium today would like to live terribly close to. Because what more amusing fellow could you ever hope to meet? Dear old Ken with his elfin, youthful features, always...

BUZZ

DN: ... good for a jolly laugh, the life and soul of every party that youíve ever been to...

NP: Derek...

DN: ... no pride, no vanity, no lust in that dear fellow! Who has challenged? Was it you?

NP: We enjoyed your performance, I think they appreciated your remarks. But long before you said all of them, Sheila Hancock had challenged you.

SH: Ah, oh Lord, I canít remember what... Deviation because he was talking about Kenneth Williams, not why you or he didnít live in Kingís Cross.

NP: Ah but, but Sheila, weíve often in previous series, weíve established that beyond any shadow of doubt that Kenneth Williams did at one time live in Kingís Cross. So itís quite natural that he should talk about Kingís Cross and Kenneth Williams in the same context.

SH: But heís...

NP: I disagree with the challenge, Derek has a point, why I donít live in Kingís Cross is still with you Derek, and there are 36 seconds left starting now.

DN: Because to live in Kingís Cross today would be a place of infinite sadness, when my thin friend is now in Shaftesbury Avenue, giving his all. How empty the world would be to walk along those lonely streets and not to see that fellow looking at you. Iím going to raid a great blue...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged before your great blue something came up. What was it um...

PJ: Repetition of fellow.

NP: Yes! Now you said of that thin fellow and that fellow...

DN: No I didnít! Thin friend.

PJ: You said fellow earlier.

NP: Thin friend...

DN: The word was friend that I...

NP: It was fellow and friend, Iím sorry. I slightly misheard as well. He hasnít got very good diction, but donít worry about that. Um Derek you have another point...

PJ: Anyway it did disrupt his flow so that was all right!

NP: Yes! There are 19 seconds on why I donít live in Kingís Cross starting now.

DN: There are other reasons. Because cabbages donít grow any more in Kingís Cross. Nor...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Iím quite sure somewhere in Kingís Cross, cabbages do grow.

NP: Yes! And itís possible to grow cabbages in Kingís Cross. You mustnít assume just because...

DN: The market gardens have all gone.

NP: I know but...

DN: Itís not what it was in Kennyís day.

KW: Youíre telling me! My goodness! When I think back on the gardens that used to abound...

NP: And I once lived, my first flat was near Kingís Cross as well.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones what have you got against...

PJ: Well we donít want to hear your life story! We want to get on with the game!

NP: Yes well all right...

PJ: Am I...

NP: Sheilaís won a point and there are 14 seconds...

PJ: I mean you just started to tell us where you were born and all that dreary rubbish!

NP: ... left for why I donít live in Kingís Cross, Sheila starting now.

SH: The reason I donít live in Kingís Cross now is because I did when I was a kid and I doubt very much whether theyíd have me back. However I did enjoy it while I was...

WHISTLE

NP: Um Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went once again and increased her lead at the end of that round. Peter your turn to begin, the subject is my advice to this audience. Sixty seconds, would you talk on that starting now.

PJ: Kenneth Williams just whispered in my ear ďgo homeĒ! Anyway Iím not going to give you that advice. But it would be much easier if I could speak to each of you one at a time. Because I donít believe in giving blanket advice to large crowds of people, because obviously what would suit one person would not necessarily suit another...

BUZZ

NP: Um Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two suits.

NP: Two suits. Yes and you canít have the same suit for both people. Um 35 seconds with you Kenneth after a correct challenge on my advice to this audience starting now.

KW: My advice to this audience was not what Peter Jones has told you. Mine is... attend...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I know but he was pulling himself up to give this magnificent piece of advice and I think we should really hear...

KW: No, give it to him! Go on! Heíll only go on at you!

NP: I was... I was trying to be kind there, so Peter, um, Derek Nimmo you have gained a point and Kenneth has been very generous. There are 27 seconds on my advice to this audience starting now.

DN: My advice to this audience is to listen to Kenneth Williams and not to me.

NP: Kenneth!

BUZZ

NP: Oh Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

DN: I was being generous, giving him the question!

SH: Well he was slow, he should have buzzed in before me!

NP: Yes well as everybodyís being generous, then weíll give it back to Kenneth Williams, and there are 21 seconds on my advice to this audience Kenneth starting now.

KW: They can do no better than to follow the precepts laid down by my honoured and valued good colleague, Nimmo! Derek of that name! What a lovely personality he has! When he smiles, it seems very cloud flies away. It seems...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.


PJ: Heís just doing a public relations job for Derek Nimmo! Not giving advice to the audience!

DN: Of course he is!

NP: Ah yes actually, my advice to this audience, he wasnít giving advice to the audience. Youíre quite right Peter, good challenge. He was actually doing a PR job for Derek Nimmo, he was just talking about Derek.

DN: Yes.

NP: So I agree with your challenge and there are four seconds on my advice to this audience Peter starting now.

PJ: Next time, write in and see if you can get seats for some quite different...

WHISTLE

NP: Well during that round everybody got some points, but the positions have not changed. Sheilaís still in the lead and Sheila would you begin the next round, how I got here today.

SH: Oh.

NP: Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well, more years ago than I care to remember, my mum who was an attractive lady, was lusted after buy my dad. And as a result I appeared! Professionally I trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, and spent many years in Repertory all over the country, from Wigan to... Southampton...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation between Southampton and Wigan.

NP: Yes.

SH: Oh I didnít!

PJ: Well you have to change trains!

NP: You did surprisingly. I agree with Derekís challenge and there are 37 seconds Derek on how I got here today starting now.

DN: Well I got up this morning in Earlís Court, and...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: You donít live in Earlís Court!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: Oh here! Oh I say!

PJ: Why did you have to stop him?

KW: Why has he gone red? Were you in a private hotel or something?

SH: What...

KW: Answer! Answer! Go on! Answer! Clear your name! Youíll be besmirched! Speak up Derek! Go on!

NP: Why are you so amused at Earlís Court as well Sheila.

SH: He doesnít live in Earlís Court, does he? Is it called Earlís Court where you live? I thought it was Kensington.

DN: Iím not... Iím telling you how I got here today.

SH: Oh go on then, it might be good. Go on.

NP: Also, Iím not sure but I believe Earlís Court is in the Royal borough of Kensington. Is that right or not?

SH: Ah!

NP: I think so anyway.

DN: Royal borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

PJ: Itís called the gateway to the Orient in some circles!

NP: That is where he met my hammer! Um ah Derek I disagree with Sheilaís challenge so you have a point, and 32 seconds on how I got here today starting now.

DN: And they released me from the police station, telling me that tomorrow they would bring charges against me. Which I thought was very charming actually, awfully nice fellow, very sweet constable. And then I had...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Because he, itís obviously a lie! He wasnít warned by the police at all!

NP: I donít believe you were in Earlís Court Police Station last night.

DN: Well I was!

NP: I donít believe...

DN: Ring Constable Smith!

NP: Right, do you mind waiting while we phone Constable Smith?

DN: Why do you make all these, I mean how do you... you have to know there are no cabbages in Kingís Cross. Now you know about my private life. Can you prove that I didnít...

NP: No I cannot prove...

DN: Well there you are, thatís how I got here today...

NP: I definitely said Derek it is possible that cabbages could grow in Kingís Cross...

DN: Well itís possible that I was in Earlís Court police station all night, isnít it!

NP: All right! Twenty-four seconds on how I got here today Derek starting now.

DN: Well of course it is a very long walk if you canít afford a bus fare as I unfortunately am unable to do. And so I did have to start...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Of course he can afford a bus fare!

NP: Of course he can afford a bus fare! Peter you have a point and the subject and there are 17 seconds on how I got here today starting now.

PJ: Talking of affording bus fares, that is the way I came...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter, Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Weíre not talking about his financial arrangements.

KW: Precisely!

DN: How I got here today.

PJ: I was talking about coming on the bus.

DN: Talking about...

NP: His financial arrangements might have something to do with how I got here today. Peter you have another point...

DN: Well I already said that my financial arrangements prevented me from coming by any other means except by foot.

NP: You were devious about your financial arrangements, we all know that you can afford the bus fare. There are 13 seconds with you Peter on how I got here today starting now.

PJ: I can remember when one handed the bus conductor a pound note and one was actually worried about whether he would accept it or not and give change. Nowadays...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Heís talking about...

NP: Yes I agree with you this time Derek, so you have four seconds on how I got here today starting now.

DN: I arrived in a beautiful silver chariot...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís talking about his arrival, not how he got here!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A very subtle challenge, and I will accept the audience applause as an indication that they think it was worth a point and the subject back to you Peter with two seconds on how I got here today starting now.

PJ: I walked!

WHISTLE

NP: Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute so I will give you the final score which is very interesting. Well rather sadly in one sense because Kenneth while we heard from him very effectively, he didnít manage to win many points in this particular game. Well he has won before, he canít win every week, you know! And he has moved from Kingís Cross to Portland Place, it must be an awful strain! So Kenneth, you cam in fourth place. I wonít say how many points you had. Peter Jones came forward with a tremendous rush at the end, but he still finished, Iím afraid, in third place. And Derek once again finished in second place behind this weekís winner who on her return visit is Sheila Hancock! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, good-bye!


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassells.