JAM:WRichard,THawks,KHesketh-Harvey,SPerkins
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring WENDY RICHARD, TONY HAWKS, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and SUE PERKINS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 July 2002)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome our listeners in this country but in the many countries throughout the world who also listen to this show. And also itís a huge pleasure to welcome to the show four exciting, individual and distinctive players of the game, who are going once again to try and pit their wits, their verbal dexterity and ingenuity as they try and speak on a subject that I give them, and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And those four bright sparks are, on my right Sue Perkins and Tony Hawks. And on my left Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Wendy Richard. Would you please welcome all four of them! Iím very fortunate to have beside me Lottie Barker who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow her whistle with a lot of venom Iím sure, when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Drill Hall Arts Centre in the Bloomsbury area of London. And we have in front of us, I donít think a particularly arty audience but certainly an enthusiastic one, ready to cheer us on our way. Aa we begin the show this week with Tony Hawks. Tony, the subject in front of me is the man on the Clapham omnibus. Will you talk on that subject, 60 seconds available starting now.

TONY HAWKS: I actually travelled to the recording this evening on an omnibus from Clapham. And there was a man sat at the front of this omnibus, and I thought well, this is quite probably the man on the Clapham omnibus. So I went and sat next to him, and started a natural conversation with him, saying something like ďthese fatwahs, theyíre bad news, arenít they?Ē And then took out a mobile phone and said ďheís sitting next to me now!Ē Itís surprising how nervous you can make people are. And I asked him ďwhatís your name because Iíd like to know what the ordinary people of England really think at the moment?Ē And he said ďI am Lord Jeremy Atkinson-Smythe of WeatherbyĒ. And we had a little chat, and I learned that everybodyís really rather happy with all the land that they have, and why people are moaning quite so much, I do not understand. Yet this is what people expect from...

BUZZ

NP: Um ah Kit youíve challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: We had rather a lot of people, I mean it was...

NP: Yes. He did mention people before, yes. Yes well listened Kit, it was quite a long while ago, but youíre right, he did say people before. Right, you went for... ah 7 from 60 is um...

TH: Fifty-three.

NP: Fifty-three seconds. Not bad for a start...

TH: Please, please, Claire producer, donít edit that bit out where he said that.

SUE PERKINS: Itís very important that one sees the workings of Nicholasís mind.

TH: Please, Iíll pay you any amount of money to keep that in!

NP: Anyway Kit youíve got in with seven seconds to go, itís the man on the Clapham omnibus starting now.

KHH: It is the... common man, isnít it...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged, Sue you challenged.

SP: It was hesitation. (laughs)

NP: Yes.

SP: Which I think might be neural shutdown!

NP: No, no, yes...

TH: Nobody else has done a quarter of a second though!

KHH: Probably the longest Iíll go tonight! But itís good for me. Itís good for me.

NP: It was interpreted, we do interpret that as hesitation. Sue was saying before the show, ďoh I get so tense, I think my words are going to stick on the roof of my mouthĒ. And suddenly it was yours.

KHH: Yeah sorry. Her words got stuck on the roof of my mouth!

NP: She got in, she got the point, you have a correct challenge, for a correct challenge, you get a point Sue and you take over the subject and there are five seconds available, the man on the Clapham omnibus starting now.

SP: That man on the Clapham omnibus is my father...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Sue Perkins, and you wonít be surprised to hear sheís in the lead at the end of that round, just one ahead...

SP: It wonít last! Trust me!

NP: And Tony Hawks who went for 53 seconds hasnít got any points at all. I mean itís...

KHH: Ohhhhhh!

TH: Is there somebody I can see at the European Commission about this?

NP: Iíd talk to that man on the Clapham omnibus if I were you. Right, Sue Perkins will you take the next round, and the subject is estate agents. Tell us something about those much maligned characters in this game starting now.

SP: Estate agents speak a strange language called lies. Theyíre bred in warm water tanks at a research facility in East Anglia, where they develop nylon suits, lizard-like eyes, gills and a propensity for breath freshener. Estate agents have a problem understanding space. You and I might walk into a small box room like a badgerís set, whereupon an estate agent will pronounce it magnificent. Their terminology is flawed. Imposing means ugly. Stucco fronted means oh, theyíve slapped a nice bit...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

SP: Did I repeat stucco?

NP: No, no, Tony you challenged.

TH: Ah there were two means.

NP: Yes two, oh thatís a tough challenge, isnít it. Two ďmeĒs?

TH: No, means.

NP: Oh mean, oh yes thatís all right, mean. Yes thatís a genuine challenge, right. And she did repeat it yes so well listened Tony. You have the subject, you have a point of course, for a correct challenge. You have estate agents, not literally but you have the subject and there are 28 seconds available starting now.

TH: Lawyers, estate agents, and chairmans of panel games are not well loved...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Is there such a word as chairmans? Or should it be chairmen, Iím not quite sure, just chairs.

NP: Chairmen, no, it should be chairmen. A correct challenge.

KHH: Thank you.

NP: A point to you of course...

KHH: Thank you chairman.

NP: And 22 seconds available, estate agents starting now.

KHH: I love drooling over the property porn in Country Life. You look at these amazing pictures. Do I want Martello Tower in East Anglia? Or a little chapel in Port Merrion. Maybe just a stud in Essex would do me. Because it is very exciting. Most estate agents tend to come on the Clapham omnibus which gives me particular glee that their enormous properties which are worth so much money actually...

WHISTLE

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey speaking as the whistle went and then gained that extra point. And he has moved forward, heís got other points in the round...

WENDY RICHARD: Nicholas, can you just remind people that Iím still here! I havenít had the chance to say anything yet.

NP: Well this audience knows youíre still there...

WR: Yes I know but Iím talking about the listeners!

NP: Well I think youíve established now for the listeners that youíre here...

WR: Fine, as long as they havenít forgotten.

NP: Youíve made a nice rapport with this audience so they know that youíre not only here but youíre in good humour. And Iíve got a subject here which I think you will love. And knowing your past professional history, it will blend in with some of your work. And therefore Iím sure you will go with panache and style on the subject of the best bargain I ever had. Howís that for you?

WR: Lovely!

NP: Lovely, right! Sixty seconds starting now.

WR: The best bargain I ever had was when I got my Cairn Terrier dog, Shirley Brahms the Second. She was worth every penny. The joy and delight that wee person has brought to me over the years. My dog...

BUZZ

NP: And whoís challenged, Tony yes?

TH: Why is your dog a person?

WR: Because... she thinks sheís a person.

TH: I think it was a careless...

SP: Your dog is schizophrenic!

WR: No she isnít, sheís, sheís perfectly well adjusted.

TH: Okay I withdraw my challenge.

NP: You withdraw it?

TH: Yes I...

NP: Because actually it was a correct challenge, because you canít call a dog a person grammatically. But if you want Wendy to continue, you all love Wendy...

TH: I think Iíll look really magnanimous if I withdraw it.

NP: You will indeed Tony and er Wendy, you still have the subject, and you have a point because you were interrupted. You have 47 seconds, the best bargain I ever had starting now.

WR: My canine pal has been with me through thick and thin, fair weather, foul weather. Sheís always there...

BUZZ

NP: And Kit challenged.

KHH: Sorry, two weathers.

NP: Too much weather darling.

WR: Oh poo! Right!

KHH: Sheís been through that as well probably!

NP: You can tell weíre on Radio Four, because when theyíre frustrated they say ďoh pooĒ! And um Kit a correct challenge, a point of course, 40 seconds available, the best bargain I ever had starting now.

KHH: Sue Perkins for aroma therapeutic reasons could do a wonderful thing with massage oil for only a hundred pounds. Tony Hawks will make your back go click, click, click, and...

BUZZ

KHH: Oh!

NP: Tony you were in first.

TH: Well first of all, I wouldnít do it for a hundred pounds. And repetition of click.

NP: Of click yes. Thirty seconds are available on the subject...

SP: Itís also an intimate Swedish massage, not aromatherapy, you got me wrong!

KHH: Oh wonderful!

SP: You misunderstand what I do!

WR: When do you do all this?

NP: When do you do it? On your radio show?

SP: Itís not for you to know Nicholas, because you havenít got a hundred pounds! When you have a hundred pounds, then you will experience all...

NP: I work a lot of the BBC, so you obviously know these things. Right, on the radio. Right ah Kit, no it wasnít Kit. Youíre Tony arenít you. Iím looking the wrong way. Iím sorry, the listeners are utterly confused by that, I was looking at Tony and I said Kit. And Kit was on my left and Tony was on my right. I have to explain to the audience, to the listeners so they know where I am. And they donít know where I am because I donít know where I am myself. Right ah...

SP: But whatís seven minus 60?

NP: Seven minus 60? Seven minus 60 is er minus 53.

SP: Good for you Nicholas! Just testing! Always testing!

NP: Tony you have the subject of the best bargain I ever had, 30 seconds available starting now.

TH: The best bargain that I ever had was when I went to a pet shop to buy a dog, and I was given a person called Gerald Wilcox, who worked in the garden for me for 12 years and did particularly well. He was quite happy with the meat that I gave him in a little bowl in the corner of the room. And he used to bark and come running up to me at the end of the day, and say things which is unusual...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Ah hesitation? Borderline? Slight? Am I... okay!

NP: You could have had him for something else which I wonít...

SP: Itís a precognitive thing! I sensed he was going to hesitate.

NP: You could have had him for something else which I wonít mention...

SP: Repetition!

NP: No, no...

SP: Deviation!

NP: No, itís too late now.

SP: Heís naked!

NP: No, heís not, your first challenge was hesitation, he didnít hesitate. So Tony you have another point, you have the best bargain I ever had and you have eight seconds available starting now.

TH: Although possibly the best bargain was some gloves that I purchased for five pounds 99 reduced from eight...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Ah oh you you you challenged Sue.

SP: I had repetition of from, in a previous chunk.

NP: Thatís right, itís correct. Oh you are a tough, tough player of the game.

KHH: Hey!

NP: I donít think you won many friends in this audience. But it was a correct challenge and you came in with half a second before the whistle, so...

SP: Oh thatís awful! I disgusted myself!

NP: No, no...

SP: Again!

NP: I will never, I will never discourage enthusiasm and so er Sue you have half a second to tell us something about the best bargain I ever had starting now.

SP: I once bought...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, Sue with those extra points she managed to squeeze for herself, sheís now equal with Kit Hesketh-Harvey in the lead, one ahead of Tony Hawks and Wendy Richard. And Kit it is now your turn to begin and the subject is botox. I donít know whether...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why do you laugh? Do you think, looking at him, that he has personal, he has personal knowledge of this? But if not you have 60 seconds to talk on it starting now.

KHH: Itís chemical cosmetic surgery whereby you inject botulism into the face and induce rigour mortis. Nicholas Parsons is a leading proponent of it. Although he gives his age as 70 in public, he is in fact 23. And the appearance of senility is utterly misleading. The fragrant starlet Cher has actually had so much that she was pronounced clinically dead in 1983, and is now a body double, with an African death mask screwed into her eye sockets. That fragrant comedian... oh, fragrant, oh...

BUZZ

NP: Sue Perkins challenged.

SP: Ah Iím afraid, repetition of fragrant.

NP: The fragrant was there yes. Really, after what you said about me, my botox. Iíve never gone near the stuff! The um, you have fragrant... no you donít! You have er 28 seconds on botox, Sue starting now.

SP: Botox gives your face the impression of an iron bath mat and you wear a continual look of surprise as if youíve won a national lottery week in, and seven days out...

BUZZ

NP: Tony your challenge.

TH: Iím afraid I was tricked into that! I felt that she was surely going to hesitate when she couldnít say week. But she didnít so...

NP: She didnít, well, no, no, no, sheís a subtle player of the game. So it was an incorrect challenge, another point to Sue, and 18 seconds available on botox starting now.

SP: This rabbit in the headlights look can cause offence, especially coming from traffic wardens. Itís not normally what one would expect as theyíre willy-nilly clamping your car, and forcing you to pay inordinate fines to...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit challenged.

KHH: Weíre a long way from botox. Being clamped and all this.

NP: I think, I think sheís actually now got off the subject of botox to such an extent we can say she is deviating.

KHH: Can we say that?

NP: You can say that and you can have a point for a correct challenge...

SP: Call me a deviate!

NP: And you take over the subject with another point to your name and six seconds available starting now.

KHH: I was recently working with Joan Rivers who... actually...

BUZZ

KHH: Oh damn!

NP: Wendy challenged.

WR: I think a slight hesitation.

NP: Yes it was a hesitation Wendy. Tell us something about botox in four seconds starting now.

WR: I think botox is a wonderful invention and a boon for most women...

WHISTLE

NP: So Wendy Richard got points in that round, sheís one for speaking as the whistle went. Sheís moved forward, sheís equal with Tony Hawks in third place behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Sue Perkins is one ahead in the lead. And Tony your turn to begin and the subject now is wisdom. Tell us something about wisdom in Just A Minute starting now.

TH: My grandfather was known for his exceptional wisdom. Once he said to me ďsonĒ, because he was wise but not very good with generations. He declared ďto whatever extent you have placed your responsibility for love and wholeness on someone else is the degree to which you will be bound to disappointment...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Iím just asking to repeat, I donít understand any of that really.

TH: To whatever extent you have placed your responsibility for love and wholeness on someone else is the degree to which you will be bound to disappointment. Which was annoying because Iíd asked him what the capital of Poland was.

NP: And what is your challenge, now youíve heard it?

KHH: No, Iím, I feel very informed. I feel disseminated upon.

NP: I know, I think that was wisdom.

KHH: I think that was, I feel...

NP: A very very good example of wisdom. And so Tony you were interrupted, you were, it was a wrong challenge in other words. And you have another point for that, 41 seconds, wisdom starting now.

TH: I have had the great pleasure recently of working with Sir Norman Wisdom. I went to Albania with him and recorded a song which got into the charts over there. Yes itís true. Tim Rice wrote the lyrics and I had a go at a bit of the tune that went along with it. And we went round this rather strange...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sue Perkins challenged.

SP: Repetition of went.

NP: Yes you did went more than once.

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

SP: Itís not a personal thing!

NP: Sheís playing the game! And sheís correct and she has 22 seconds to tell us something about wisdom starting now.

SP: It was at precisely this point that many Albanians claimed refugee status in England, following the freak release of Sir Norman Wisdom and Tonyís single there. Iíve not come across Sir Norman myself...

BUZZ

NP: And Kit you challenged.

SP: Iím a buffoon!

NP: Yes!

KHH: Sorry, lots of Sir Normans.

NP: Yes, how lucky we are, youíre referring to Norman instead of the little fellow with the clown. Right, Kit a correct challenge, another point, and nine seconds available, wisdom starting now.

KHH: Sir Charles Villers-Stamp, that mighty church organist and composer, produced a song of wisdom. I came forth from the mouth of the most high. I always thought it was about teeth actually...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, so now we have Sue Perkins equal in the lead with Kit Hesketh-Harvey, followed by Tony Hawks and Wendy Richard. And Sue itís your turn to begin and following wisdom we now have intellectual pursuits. So tell us something about that erudite subject in this game starting now.

SP: Intellectual pursuits is a game I stumbled on by chance, once chasing Germaine Greer down the Thames in a speed boat. To play this particular notion, one must find a wealthy academic, and hop over them, preferably torture them, although not in a fatal sense. Once Professor Simon Schama, reef... recently on television...

BUZZ

SP: He was on a reef at the time! In the near past!

NP: Tony you challenged first.

TH: I think there was a slight hesitation.

NP: There was, a stumble like that we interpret as hesitation. So there are 39 seconds available starting now.

TH: I suppose people would regard going to the opera, or ballet, or theatre...

BUZZ

NP: And Sue challenged.

SP: Or.

NP: Three ors.

SP: Three ors.

NP: Two we let go, three...

TH: Yes youíre not allowed three ors apparently.

NP: We donít want many, too many ors in this show anyway.

KHH: Even if youíre rowing after Germaine Greer there!

NP: Sue you have the subject back, intellectual pursuits, 34 seconds available starting now.

SP: When playing intellectual pursuits you must watch out for Camille Paglia. Really she gets away from you like a greyhound out of a trap. Sheís allowed 30 seconds headway and then I suggest hunting her down in a four by four, with a shotgun loaded with a tranquilliser...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy challenged.

WR: Four, two fours.

NP: Four by four. Two fours.

SP: Three ors and two fours! Nicholas, what is four by four? Perhaps you can tell us.

NP: Four by four is, four times four...

SP: Yes...

NP: Four fours are 16. Listen you canít trip me up...

TH: You learnt that by rote though, didnít you! You had to go...

NP: I think youíre barking up a very dark alley here because I actually studied engineering which includes mathematics when I was at university. So Iím not going to get simple mental arithmetic right... well... Anyway I pointed out to you, itís not four by four, itís four times four.

TH: Correct. Iíll give you a point!

SP: Yes!

NP: Wendy you had a correct challenge, you repeated the word four. So you have 19 seconds to tell us something about intellectual pursuits starting now.

WR: The closest Iíve ever come to an intellectual pursuit is trying to get The Daily Telegraph crossword. Itís more easy on a Monday Iíve noticed, than any other one in the week. And they are...

BUZZ

NP: And Tony challenged.

TH: There are no other Mondays in the week!

WR: I couldnít say day! Could I!

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

SP: Thereís a rugby crowd in tonight!

NP: So Tony, your challenge is?

TH: Deviation, because...

NP: I think that, actually within the rules of Just A Minute, and itís a clever one, a subtle one. But we have to give it, the benefit of the doubt to Tony, Iíll find a way to address it for you later Wendy. Ah well I always do. But anyway there are seven seconds...

WR: Youíre victimising me!

NP: Tony, seven seconds on intellectual pursuits starting now.

TH: Some would say that playing Just A Minute is an intellectual pursuit, and who am I...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KHH: Deviation obviously!

NP: Tony, you see it would depend on your intellectual standing. I mean schoolchildren play it and are very good at it, some of them.

TH: Yes.

NP: I think he qualified it, I justified it with my decision. Tony, two seconds, intellectual pursuits starting now.

TH: Fourteen glove puppets crossed a...

WHISTLE

NP: So a lot of points are being scored in this game. And Tony Hawks has now moved forward, heís now equal in the lead with Sue Perkins, followed only one point behind by Kit Hesketh-Harvey, and only two points further behind Wendy Richard. And Wendy it is your turn to begin, lovely subject for you now, Robin Hood. Iím sure you can go on Robin Hood and 60 seconds are available starting now.

WR: I remember when I was a child, seeing Errol Flynn play Robin Hood. I thought he was the most handsome man I could ever see. And Robin Hood was such a hero. Loved by the good, feared by the bad, He was there to help all the poor and sundry, and to fight for justice, and he had his band of merry men. all singing and leaping about in that forest. They were having a great time! But doing... beneficial work...

BUZZ

NP: Sue you challenged first.

SP: Hesitation.

NP: There was a little hesitation yes.

WR: Yes there was, I couldnít think of another word for good.

SP: Wendy darling, do you mind awfully?

WR: No, not at all! Not at all, no!

NP: Oh gosh, the sisterly love that is going on across the divide here. Thirty-three seconds, Robin Hood is with you Sue Perkins starting now.

SP: My father has always told me, never trust a man in Lincoln green tights. And that is an adage Iíve maintained to this moment in time. He swans around the forest, somewhere I suspect in Norwich, although you will correct me Kit as a feature of that area...

BUZZ

NP: Heís going to correct you! Somewhere in Norwich?

KHH: Itís nowhere near Norwich!

SP: I couldnít remember!

NP: It began with an N.

SP: Iím talking about Robin Hood of Norwich!

NP: It was Nottingham, Robin Hood that everybody knows about was Nottingham.

KHH: Sherwood Forest.

NP: And Kit youíve got the subject, 18 seconds starting now.

KHH: Friar Tuck was doing karaoke deep in the woods very loudly indeed. They were scared they would alert the Sheriff and so they chucked him in the water, but he carried on...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Slight hesitation, I thought.

NP: No hesitation, oh come on Sue, donít be too keen!

SP: All right, Iím desperate! Iím sorry!

NP: Ten seconds with you Kit, Robin Hood starting now.

KHH: Still he carried on singing which proves you can lead a drunk to water but you canít make him walk...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy challenged.

WR: I think youíre slowing down Kit.

KHH: Am I?

WR: Yes.

KHH: Itís age darling, we all do that.

WR: I know, Iím not challenging on that. I mean I think weíre getting a bit hesitational.

KHH: Do you?

NP: No, no, I donít think he was...

KHH: You donít have to be so solicitous, my darling.

NP: He might have sounded hesitational but he didnít actually hesitate. So he keeps...

KHH: Very metaphysical point Wendy!

NP: ... the subject and there are seven seconds with you Kit, on Robin Hood starting now.

KHH: He visited his grandmother and stole her jewellery. He was in fact Little Red Robin Hood. His mother, Mother Hood...

WHISTLE

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey speaking as the whistle went then, gained that extra point. And weíre moving into the final round. Sue itís your turn to begin and the subject is, oh hereís a nice one, naturists. Sixty seconds starting now.

SP: Naturists are the acceptable face, belly and buttocks of the phenomenon that is normally called... flashing...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Sorry that was timing, it was timing. Suddenly, you know, I...

SP: Thank you darling, you appreciate the craft.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Sue you and the audience have now, have the subject of naturists, 52 seconds starting now.

SP: Naturists, take them out of their natural habitat and what you have is a man with a small wizened chiploata in a playing field. I often see them on Brighton Beach and there they are, huddled over the...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Itís suspicious how much time she spends looking at these naturists!

NP: Have you got a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

TH: Ah deviation, but not within the rules! So...

NP: I will be generous and give you a bonus point because the audience enjoyed your interruption. But Sue gets a point because she was interrupted and she keeps the subject of naturists and there are 39 seconds for her discourse on this thing which is so close to her heart starting, starting now.

SP: I believe itís some ancient ritual celebrating the god Pan, or perhaps Gaia, the earth goddess, much favoured by strange post-feminists wandering round in leg-warmers. I am deviating frantically and look repeating, repeating, repeating...

BUZZ

SP: Thank you.

NP: And Wendy you challenged first.

WR: I thought Iíd help her out! Sheís such a nice girl!

NP: I know, sheís lovely isnít she, and the audience love her as well. And um 29 seconds for you Wendy on naturists...

WR: Twenty-nine? I thought you said nine!

NP: Youíve just got to think of the bare buff and then go with it! Twenty-nine seconds Wendy, naturists starting now.

WR: Naturists love to play volleyball and frolic about in fields. And if they can find a nudist beach, well, so much the better for them. You sometimes see their pictures in magazines called Health And Efficiency. Where they seem to have a habit of standing...

BUZZ

NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Double where, repetition of where.

NP: No, you keep the subject, 14 seconds Wendy, naturists starting now.

WR: And they pose for pictures standing with one foot on a chair. Itís the funniest thing youíve ever seen! It used to be quite pornographic before things got...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Por, ah, hesitation.

NP: No, she didnít hesitate.

KHH: Was it, she didnít. Iím sorry.

NP: No, no, no, she was going with great style...

KHH: Wendy Richard saying pornographic. Shocking!

NP: She got the...

SP: Thatís not, thatís not naturism youíre watching.

WR: Isnít it?

SP: Not when someoneís got their naked with a foot on a chair. Where do you get chairs in nature?

NP: She did say, letís be fair to Wendy, she did say these were some of the pictures you see in that magazine devoted to this particular subject.

SP: Health And Efficiency?

NP: Yes, donít plug it too much!

WR: I donít, I donít think itís still going Nicholas. I mean it was in about nineteen hundred and canteen. You must have seen it then.

KHH: Nicholas was in it!

NP: It was a very, because porno magazines didnít exist then, it was very very popular and had a big sale amongst people who werenít naturists for different reasons.

KHH: How do you know?

NP: I knew it was on the, on the, on the... (laughs) I, I knew what was on the news-stands.

KHH: Iím sure.

NP: I was looking for my Modern Boy and the Hotspur and other things.

KHH: Itís as close as you can get, I guess!

NP: And alongside the Rover was Health and Efficiency, so what else...

WR: He loves to go down Memory Lane! He really does!

NP: Wendy you still have the subject, you have six seconds, naturists starting now.

WR: Naturists eat very healthily because they can never find anyone to fry any chips. Theyíre too frightened of being spattered by hot fat...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Wendy Richard really did have a flourish in that last round and did very well. Came rushing and er gained an extra point of course for speaking as the whistle went. And in the final situation, she finished in fourth place. But only one point behind Tony Hawks. And he was only two points behind Sue Perkins. And she was only one point behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: Is that right?

NP: So we say he is the winner this week! So for those interested in the contest it was very close, but I know most of you are far more interested in the contributions and they were exceptional. So we say our thank you in order as I see them there, Tony Hawks, Sue Perkins, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Wendy Richard. I must thank Lottie Barker who has done this for the first time, she has done a wonderful job with the whistle. And also we thank our producer, Claire Jones who keeps us all in order when she can. And also we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are also indebted to this lovely audience here in the Drill Hall Arts Centre here in Bloomsbury who have cheered us on our way! From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons and our team, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC