WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 October 1975)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you heard we are delighted to welcome back as our guest in the fourth chair, Alfred Marks, to join our three regular and keen competitors of the game. Kenneth youíre going to start but before you do, Iíll just remind them that they have to try and speak if they can for 60 seconds on some subject I will give them without hesitation, repetition or without deviating from the subject. The opening subject is a commanding lead. And as nobodyís scored any points yet, would you talk on that subject, Kenneth, for 60 seconds starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well a commanding lead is the sort of position which I should always take on this panel, if talent and erudition is anything to do with the marks...
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.
CF: Ah, are anything to do with winning marks.
NP: So deviation of grammar?
CF: Of grammar, yes.
NP: So itís proof that thereís not much erudition, but on the other hand um I think it was a pretty tough challenge quite so soon, and one has to keep going, and occasionally has to be very colloquial in doing so. So I wonít allow it, Iíll say Kenneth has a point for a wrong challenge and 50 seconds for a commanding lead starting now.
KW: This was undoubtedly taken by that valiant commander of the Eighth Army in his campaign against General Romnel. And he put it succinctly...
NP: Ah Alfred Marks has challenged.
ALFRED MARKS: He just demoted him, I think it was Field Marshal Romnel.
NP: He wasnít Field Marshal at the time...
KW: (laughs) Thatís caught you! (laughs) Yes, that caught him, didnít it! Yes youíve been hoisted on your own petard, mate!
AM: Pardon me!
KW: Every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it! You want to watch it! Iím a regular on this game, youíve only just come here! Iíll get you outside!
AM: I canít live on promises!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP, DN AND THE AUDIENCE
AM: I really... is there anything about etiquette?
NP: No I donít think there is in this game...
AM: Because that is no way to treat a guest, it really isnít. Anyway...
NP: No, no way to treat a guest...
AM: Romnel was a Field Marshal when I knew him!
NP: I didnít know you were fighting...
KW: Oh look at him, name dropping!
NP: Were you, were you on their side during the war then, Alfie?
AM: I was in the Air Force which meant I was on the German side, yes.
NP: Kenneth is now going to continue with a commanding lead, he has 42 seconds left and he starts now.
KW: The same could be said of...
NP: Ah Derek Nimmoís now challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Can I just say hello everybody and Iím on the programme as well!
NP: Well as you interrupted Kenneth in saying hello, he must get a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 40 seconds for a commanding lead Kenneth starting now.
KW: It was what Aneurin Bevan once described as ďcontrolling the commanding heights of the national economyĒ. And in one of his most brilliant perorations at St Pancreas Town Hall, alas a building which is no longer titled by that appellation, he moved the audience to extremes of jubilation and glee. We cried out as one man ďmore power to your elbowĒ. As we all felt this great surge of oratory, the rhetoric, the like of which has alas and will never...
NP: And we now move on to Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is the family album. Would you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: One of those lovely snapshots of Auntie Flo and cousin Muriel on the beach at Frinton with a donkey. And then Bridget, we all knew her by another name which is Gladys. And we have a snapshot of her which was rather putrid coloured...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of snapshot.
NP: Yes, there are 20 seconds left for the family album, Clement with you starting now.
CF: My family album has the usual array of relations from grandfather, mothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, children, babies, boys, girls, horses, animals, cats, dogs, all other people who work...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: I didnít know he was related to a horse!
LAUGHTER FROM CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE
KW: Oh very clever! Thatís very good! It is good! It is good!
NP: What is your challenge then?
AM: I think that anyone who has relationships with a horse must be a deviationist!
NP: That wasnít the challenge though Alfie!
AM: No, Iím just adding that as a bit of, otherwise Iím sitting here like an idiot, you see.
NP: We could never say that of you.
AM: Thank you very much.
NP: Clement I disagree with the challenge, and you keep the subject, you have 13 seconds, the family album starting now.
CF: When my son Matthew was first given a camera in order to contribute to the family album, he asked me to stand very still, and took my picture, and missed! I sent the resulting photograph...
NP: The subject is them, would you talk about them or on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
CF: When I joined the Boy Scouts and became a Peewit, the master said to me ďwould you like to be one of them?Ē And I said ďno, I would prefer to be a CurlewĒ. Because the patrol had a yellow and green flash, and I would like to tell you that that word means cloth hanging from the elbow, and not remotely what anybody might have thought!
NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.
DN: Well they didnít hang from the elbow, they hang just on the shoulder. Deviation.
NP: Yes I donít think they hung from the elbow.
DN: Heís thinking of morris dancers!
AM: They do on scouts with very short arms!
NP: Derek a good challenge, there are 34 seconds left, and the subject them, you start now.
DN: Iíve never really liked them very much. I donít know why. I think itís because there are 43 of them and two of them have blonde hair. Maybe that is the reason, Iíve never really quite been able to analyse it. But sometimes on the pier at Brighton, Iíve seen them all gathered together in this great whaling craft, and Iíve thought how unattractive they look. Why do we have to put up with them, Iíve written a letter to say for a moment. I want to...
NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.
AM: I havenít the foggiest idea who heís talking about!
NP: Heís talking about them, the subject on the card.
AM: I see! I thought he was talking about Curlews with little yellow ribbons hanging from their shoulders.
NP: No theyíre the ones that have it from the elbow.
AM: Oh well everyone to their own kick, you know.
NP: So what is your challenge?
AM: The fact that Iím ignorant, thatís what!
NP: Well if you interrupt and itís not a correct challenge, the person speaking gets a point. There are 11 seconds Derek on them starting now.
DN: When they finally decided by, to go by Thai Airlines to Yugoslavia, I thought they really behaved in a most...
NP: Um Alfred Marks has challenged.
AM: I donít think Thai Airlines fly to Yugoslavia.
NP: I donít think so either.
DN: My dear, I said they were behaving in an eccentric way.
NP: Your diction was so bloominí awful, I couldnít hear!
DN: Youíre over there...
KW: I see, you make a crack about his diction. Heís one of the finest dictions in the world. You couldnít get a better diction than he is.
NP: I wish heíd demonstrate it occasionally! As I didnít actually hear Derek said, I think Iíll put it to the superior judgement of the audience...
KW: Superior judgement? Just look at that lot! Superior?
NP: If you agree with Alfredís challenge, you cheer for him. And if you disagree, youíre for Derek Nimmo, will you boo for Derek. And you all do it together now! Nothing?
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: I told you theyíd dropped off! Itís no good asking them anything! Youíve got to be a chairman, you rely on your own powers!
NP: I heard a belated boo Derek, so you keep the subject, you have five seconds on them starting now.
DN: They all wear very long sporrans and inside them...
NP: Kenneth has challenged.
KW: Iím afraid you have made a terrible mistake. You told us they gathered on the pier at Brighton, you told us there were 43 of them, and now youíve told us theyíre wearing sporrans! Now thatís really setting peculiar, isnít it. I think there you have to be accused of deviation. Iím very sorry, my darling...
AM: No, I quite concur...
NP: His particular them is obviously pure fantasy. And if theyíre going on a Thai Airline to Yugoslavia and theyíre on the beach at Brighton, I mean they could wear sporrans which is down to their ankles if they want to. Heís not really deviating from them, so you keep the subject for another three seconds starting now.
AM: I quite agree with that!
DN: ďWhatho old fruitĒ, they all shout, ďIím delighted to see you, my goodness...Ē
NP: Alfred Marks for you to start and the subject following them is us. Can you, itís a tough one to come back as a guest after a long break. But would you try talking about us for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: Us has many connotations, one being me, the new boy on the panel. And the others being the others. Oh that isnít a good start, is it...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
AM: Iíve been away too long! Can we start again?
NP: Yes all right...
AM: No, no, that wouldnít be fair. That wouldnít be fair, No, whoever wants it can have it, Iím going to sleep!
NP: I think Alfred, we will allow you a chance to start again because you have been away for so long.
AM: Thank you very much.
NP: The subject is us, you have 60 seconds and you start now.
AM: Yes, the most normal one that one is confronted with...
AM: (laughs) Oh dear!
NP: Derek has challenged.
DN: Heís packed up again, hasnít he! Heís been away far too long!
NP: Derekís got in, heís got 44 seconds on us starting, sorry 55 seconds on us starting now.
DN: There arenít many of us left I suppose really. But it was on the beach at Brighton when I saw 47 sporrans coming towards me and I decided I must make a stand against them...
KW: Oh this is just now blatant repetition, itís all been...
NP: You mean them, them canít be us!
NP: Right Kenneth you have...
DN: If youíd listened to what I said, youíd have found that what i said was totally logical! Itís just that youíre very deaf, rather stupid, and rather elderly, and ought to be replaced!
NP: Youíre rather rude as well!
DN: Quite right!
NP: And also you justify your, your speech only after youíve been challenged. Iím not going to allow it this time. You have 46 seconds on us starting now.
KW: Us of course is, as Alfred has rightly maintained, some...
NP: Alfred has challenged.
AM: Oh oh thatís rubbish, I...
NP: You havenít maintained a thing, have you?
KW: On the contrary, he said it had many connotations.
NP: But he hasnít maintained anything, heís hardly opened his mouth.
AM: Iíve maintained nothing at all! You tell him, you tell him Nicholas, you tell him!
NP: There are 40 seconds on us, Alfred...
AM: Heís too cocky by far, that one over there!
NP: Alfred you have 40 seconds on us starting now.
AM: Us are the working classes, the others are the bosses or the establishment. I pride myself on being one of the former. I was born and bred in poverty, I was so poor we were made in Japan! And if you start off in the gutters of the east End and you attain the stardom which I have, and the er, the love of people...
AM: ... and the hesitation that accompanies it.
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Out of the mouths of Marks and sucklings! Yes hesitation yes.
NP: There are 21 seconds for us with you now Derek starting now.
DN: Coming out of the gutters of Liverpool, we have walked towards the big city, looking for gold on the pavements. And what have we found...
NP: Alfred Marks has...
AM: I was waiting for the sporrans!
NP: Oh but you challenged before it came. So whatís your challenge?
AM: Nothing at all, I just like pressing buttons, thatís all.
NP: Well I must warn you that every time you press a buzzer and thereís an incorrect challenge, the person speaking gains a point. Ah there are nine seconds on us Derek starting now.
DN: There are four of us who take part in this game, week after seven days...
NP: Alfred Marks.
AM: Deviation, three of us! Iím not even in it now! That was, thatís a good, thatís a good challenge!
NP: Itís quite a good challenge, yes! Derek obviously, no Derek was probably thinking of the fact that there are four...
CF: Can I just say that Iím still here?
NP: There are five seconds Alfred on us starting now.
AM: Us are sitting here in this seat, thank you! We are so grateful you have at last given the opportunity to someone like myself...
NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin, and the subject, William Hogarth. Will you tell us something about him in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: There was a notable occasion when in drawing the fortifications of the fort known as Calais, he was arrested by French gendarmerie or police as we should term them, and named as a spy. And he had great difficulty in removing himself from those alien shores, to his native regions which was in this case not only Chissock but also included Bloomsbury. He was a fellow governor with Thomas Coram at the Foundling Hospital. And one of his most notable portraits ever done was of Coram himself...
KW: ... and Iíve repeated him!
KW: But it was worth establishing! That was the plan!
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Two Cori!
NP: Yes, there were yes. Why did you have to put on such a miserable bloominí voice?
KW: Because I think Hogarth was so dreary and rotten, he always makes me feel like that! I mean I know all those drawings had, of course, social significance, but theyíre all so awful! As opposed to the kind of art I find uplifting...
NP: Why did you spoke, why didnít you speak like that...
KW: I mean Carbegio or Michelangelo, this sort of work that elevates the human spirit...
NP: You havenít got the subject now!
KW: ... what Hogarth did is a drear, what is supposed to be a likeness...
KW: We donít want to see life! You can stand on any street corner and see life...
KW: What we have artists for is not that! We should have artists for a vision of life, donít we!
NP: Shut up! Itís not with you!
KW: Heís come all that way and heíll have to explain to the listeners, heís come all that way and the audience applauded me, not him! So you can shut your row!
NP: I just want to explain to the listeners...
KW: Yes! Lovely crowd!
NP: ... that on this occasion I had to leave my chair...
KW: Lovely audience!
NP: ... and cross the floor of this stage in order to shut Kenneth up!
KW: Yes! As Derek Nimmo rightly said, youíre too old! You should get away! Get away!
NP: Itís a pity you didnít say that about Hogarth before you went on for about five minutes! As it was it was rather dreary for 50 seconds and Clement Freud has the subject, there are 10 seconds left, William Hogarth starting now.
CF: Last year during National Semolina Week, I took my family to see...
NP: Alfred has challenged.
AM: Oh I think thatís a very cunning, there is no such thing as National Semolina Week.
NP: I would agree with you Alfred, and Clement looks very pained, but I am still going to agree with you and say there are, heís got his semolina look on! There are six seconds on William Hogarth starting now.
AM: William Hogarth was not the only William Hogarth. I know a William Hogarth...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
KW: What are you challenging on?
CF: I suppose itís on the card isnít it.
NP: William Hogarthís on the card, yes.
CF: Have another point!
AM: Thank you!
NP: Heís got it!
CF: I meant another one!
NP: Three seconds left on William Hogarth starting now.
AM: He owned this shop off the Whitechapel Road, a most excellent...
NP: Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is bean feasts. Can you tell us something about those in 60 seconds starting now.
DN: Iíve always had a great sort of penchant for bean feasts. The derivation of the expression, of course, comes from the time that during earlier periods, employers at the end of the year of harvest or industry would provide a bean feast which would be given to the peasantry, to Alfred Marks, and other people standing around, for them to consume, and with great jubilation and joy. It was something that the whole community looked forward to, once every 12 months. Nowadays of course, it can mean something like a feast in the dorm. Or all your chums coming home for a lovely bean feast. You can have sasparella and ginger beer, stopford sandwiches, peanut butter, lovely radishes, green peas and not to be forgotten, beans! Because what would a bean feast be without them, I ask you! It would be ridiculous wouldnít it, to say ďcome home and Iíll give you some lentilsĒ, because although they are, I suppose, in a kind of way a bean feast, theyíre not really like...
NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.
AM: Thereís a rule in this game which says you can only mention the title itís on three times.
NP: You got in very cleverly with only two and a half seconds to go Alfred, the subject bean feasts and you start now.
AM: I loathe beans of all the...
NP: Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is Pasteur and wine, which is a rather sort of complicated subject. But can you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: I donít think Pasteur whined any more than most Frenchmen of that era. He did discover that if you had bacillus on any sort of drink, and you raised it to a certain temperature, the gruel fungus would remove itself. And Paul Robeson you may remember wrote a very beautiful song called Green Pasteurs which I think meant...
NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.
DN: Paul Robeson didnít write it.
NP: No he sang it, he didnít write it.
CF: Write what?
DN: Green Pastures.
NP: Green Pastures.
CF: I didnít say Green Pastures.
DN: You did!
CF: I said Green Pasteurs!
NP: He didnít write that either! There are 33 seconds Derek on Pasteur and wine starting now.
DN: Rigatoni, fettucini, lasagne are some of the pastas that I like to eat with my wine. I donít...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well itís permissible obviously to say the word if it does like whatís on the card. In this case pasta does not sound like Pasteur.
NP: No I did say Pasteur as well, and I quite agree. So Kenneth you have a point for that and you have 27 seconds on Pasteur and wine starting now.
KW: He was most notable for making a wine from kumquats. They are a delicious fruit with a hard rind and taste roughly of lemon. On the other hand, if theyíre grown in (unintelligible) areas, they are the worst possible kind of nutrition for anyone to imbibe in the alimentary canal. Now William Harvey who wrote most eloquently on this subject was one of the people to whom Pasteur looked in his academic exercises...
NP: So Kenneth weíre back to you to start, and the subject after all that is mental, my mental capacity.
OOOOOHS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Weíve got a lot of female oooohs, your mental capacity does something to them! And so you have 60 seconds to demonstrate it or talk about it starting now.
KW: Itís largely influenced by the ectimological character of the structure of the brain cells themselves. And the idea that the left-handed person which is an apt description of mine, has the right-handed side of the aforementioned apparatus more developed than the other is usually held to explain my particular flair. It always reflects itself most obviously in draughtsmanship, or calligraphy. A particular embellishment of mine is an enlarged serif. And I would go so far as to say that Gil Sans who was one of our most distinguished designers of fonts and indeed Italic type, did say that sans serif...
NP: Of what? Of what?
CF: Sans serif.
KW: Sans serif is hyphenated, you great nit! And I said serif before!
NP: No you did repeat sans, Iím very sorry Kenneth.
KW: I did not say sans.
CF: You did.
NP: Sans serif.
KW: I said serif before as a word, then sans serif which is hyphenated.
NP: No, no...
AM: You also said design twice if you want to...
KW: Well thatís neither here nor there! He didnít pick it up! So shut your great row!
AM: Youíre talking...
KW: Comes here one week, and he throws his weight about like a man with no arms!
NP: He wondered how much longer your rubbish could go on!
KW: Rubbish, I was a lithographic draftsman before I became an actor! Iíve got indentured certificates to prove it!
NP: Itís a pity you didnít stick to it! And Clement Freud has two and a half seconds...
KW: I really do feel that people like us come here and certainly we come here for a pittance, donít we, Derek?
DN: We do!
KW: I mean to come all this way, I have to walk...
NP: Will you please put your pittance away, and let Clement Freud for two and a half seconds talk on my mental capacity starting now.
CF: I once wrote a letter to a company called Mensa...
NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged just before.
DN: Well heís talking about letter writing and not about his mental capacity.
KW: Hear hear! Very good point!
DN: I once wrote a letter...
NP: Shut up Kenneth! Itís a good point but you didnít give him much chance and after all...
DN: He only had two and a half seconds, it wasnít very long!
NP: And Mensa is after all to do with mental capacity. So I think he adequately made his point in that very brief sentence. So thereís half a second left with you Clement on my mental capacity starting now.
NP: Well as I warned you we were approaching the end, we have now reached the end of this game and now I will give you the final score. And a very close and even contest it was and how, how apt and just that is. Clement Freud came in second place alongside Kenneth Williams. But together they were only one point behind our equal winners this week, Alfred Marks and Derek Nimmo! What could be more fair than that! They all contributed a great deal. We hope that youíve enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.