WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, SHEILA HANCOCK and GRAEME GARDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 October 1975)
NOTE: Graeme Garden's first appearance, Nicholas Parsons's 200th appearance, Ian Messiter's 200th appearance blowing the whistle.
ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Sheila Hancock and Graeme Garden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panellists if they can talk for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement can you talk on the subject of hang gliding, for 60 seconds starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: Hang gliding is the sort of libertine wholesale condemnation which I deplore. But it is also a name given to an extraordinary sport which consists of hanging on to a metal rail which is suspended from a large piece of uncut moquette, which catches the wind and enables you if you are at the top of the hill, to descend to the bottom rather more quickly than if you simply let go. In fact the wind getting into the material projects you towards the Dale as you might say, because I canít really talk about the bottom having begun very badly...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: I think he repeated the word bottom.
SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Yes he did. Thank you very much yes.
GRAEME GARDEN: Bottoms all over the place.
CF: We have independent auditors!
NP: Well because of the way you all criticise me, I like to get a bit of help from the audience! Thank you my dear, that was absolutely correct, he has repeated bottom. He also repeated wind, he also repeated material. And Peter Jones you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject. There are 11 seconds left, hang gliding starting now.
PJ: It must be a really wonderful sensation, to be as it were lighter than air and carried from one point to another by...
NP: Ian Messiter who blows the whistle for us tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones. And at the end of the round Peter Jones is the only one to have scored any points. And Peter, I see itís your turn to begin the next round so would you please talk on the subject of gadgetry for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
PJ: Well a friend of mine once said to me, and he was an extremely wealthy man. He said if you want to get rich Peter, think of some new gadget that can be attached to a motor car and put it on the market. I think that it is really excellent advice because people do tend to cram as many of these gadgets on to these vehicles as they possibly can. And not only in the street or on the road but in the kitchen, in particular their homes...
NP: Ah Sheila has challenged, Sheila Hancock.
SHEILA HANCOCK: I donít know that many people keep their cars in their kitchens!
NP: Iím sure they donít, but I donít think that he was ah...
PJ: I think it only fair, Sheila wanted to get in on some pretext or other...
PJ: Just to show that sheís in the game, and bless her heart, I didnít give her an opportunity. I didnít repeat anything...
NP: Yes you did, you repeated the word gadget actually.
PJ: Youíre interrupting me again Nicholas!
SH: Well Iíll just say hello everybody and let Peter keep the subject.
NP: Youíve more than said hello, youíve established that you are here, youíve established that youíre listening. Itís a good challenge but an incorrect one Sheila, so Peter gets a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject, there are 27 seconds left Peter, gadgetry starting now.
PJ: Many nowadays are electric. Infrared ovens which as far as I can see serve no really useful purpose for anyone except the manufacturers who make a good deal of profits...
NP: Ah Sheila.
SH: I think Iíve got to contradict him on that. Not that Iíve got an infrared oven but in restaurants they are enormous use. I think Clement will bear me out on this because they cook the dinners much quicker.
NP: So you think he was deviating from the subject of gadgetry?
SH: Well I think he was just wrong!
NP: Well you can...
SHOUT FROM THE AUDIENCE
SH: Have we got another chairman in the audience?
NP: You are allowed to give an opinion if you were, if you werenít able to give opinions in this programme, weíd never get going.
SH: Well let me just say that heís a fool!
NP: Youíve said it with strength and er, but I must say he didnít deviate.
SH: So Iíve given him another point.
NP: Fifteen seconds left on gadgetry Peter starting now.
PJ: Well those people who went to the Moon in that capsule and things, they came back with an enormous...
SH: Oh Iíve done it again, well Iím just saying they didnít go to the Moon in a capsule and things. They went to the Moon in a capsule. Heís being inaccurate.
NP: Yeah in other words, the capsule was not a gadgetry. I think that Sheila has a very good challenge, this time Iím going to give it to Sheila...
CF: Graeme Garden would like to speak!
GG: How do you do, ladies and gentlemen.
SH: Youíll get your chance later!
NP: Youíll get a chance, Sheilaís got a chance now, there are 10 seconds for you on gadgetry Sheila starting now.
SH: Well I am a terrible person for gadgets. Iím apt to buy everything thatís going. It is an absolute delight for me to go into one of those big stores where ladies and...
NP: Well Sheila Hancock was then speaking when the whistle went, she gained that extra point, and at the end of that round, she has two points and Peter has twice that number, in the lead. And Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, having just finished, proverbs. Would you talk about them for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
SH: A rolling stone gathers no moss. Every cloud has a silver lining. It never rains but it pours. (laughs)
NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.
GG: Hesitation. And why not?
SH: Thatís dead right.
NP: She did hesitate Graeme. So you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, and you have 50 seconds to talk on proverbs starting now.
GG: I first took an interest in proverbs when I learnt one at my grannyís knee, where it was tattooed slightly above the joint. With the ancient proverb, a stitch in time saves eight. Granny was somewhat small and repetitive...
NP: Clement has challenged you.
CF: Ah repetitive granny.
NP: Yes Iím afraid your grannyís been coming in too often.
GG: Yes, thatís what we said!
NP: Clement a correct challenge and there are 33 seconds left for proverbs starting now.
CF: In a book called The Wallet Of Ky Lung there is I think one of the great proverbs from the east. Which is quite simply it is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek a highborn Emperor in a low-down tea shop.
LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE
CF: I must say if I had had...
NP: No Iím sorry, after proverbs Peter Jones challenged you.
PJ: Heís misquoting it! Itís not...
NP: I think you tried very hard, but itís the wrong challenge and Clement keeps the subject and a point for that, and 15 seconds on proverbs Clement starting now.
CF: With a...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
NP: I donít think weíll be as tough as that Peter, weíd never get the game going. Fourteen seconds Clement on proverbs starting now.
CF: When I used to go to Mauritius or even Madagascar, let alone Rienneune or the Seychelles, there are proverbs of such compulsive truth that you stand and gape at the sheer brilliance of...
NP: Well Clement and his proverbs kept going, he gained some points including the extra one for speaking when the whistle went, and heís now in a lead with Peter Jones at the end of that round. Graeme Garden, itís your turn to begin, and the subject, aptly enough, is absurdities. Can you tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.
GG: Ah many absurdities have happened to me in my life. I remember one occasion when we were filming a sketch about a piggy bank. And I was standing dressed up as a cashier in a disused branch of a well known firm of bankers. And beside me was a dead pig propped up on the counter. A man came into the establishment off the street, and asked me if he could open an account. This is perfectly true and I have his money to prove it! On another occasion I remember we were filming in um...
GG: In the little town of Um!
CF: Repetition of filming and ah...
NP: You are rotten the way you sort of stick it in! Just say hesitation and leave it at that! He hasnít played the game as much as you.
CF: Just saying hesitation.
NP: Hesitation yes, I think you did hesitate actually. There are 25 seconds for absurdities starting now.
CF: Iím not sure that one of the great absurdities is not to judge different people in different ways in Just A Minute. It seems to me either somebody hesitates, repeats himself or deviates from the subject, and whether heís played the game more frequently than someone else, or whether heís nastier or is older...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
CF: ... or is featured on a five pound note...
PJ: Deviation, heís deviating.
CF: The ultimate absurdity!
PJ: Heís deviating from the subject because heís not talking about absurdities.
NP: Actually I will be fair to him, he was establishing...
PJ: Youíre being fair to him? Ah! Well when youíre going to be fair to me, you let me know! Thatís when I want to be here!
NP: So Clement you have an incorrect challenge and seven seconds for absurdities starting now.
CF: On the day the clock stopped, the only egg-timer which was left in St Johnís Wood clogged and...
NP: Clementís egg-timer kept him going till the whistle went, he gained the extra point and has taken the lead. And Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is my best suit. If you have one or not would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting...
CF: You mean suet? Or suit?
NP: Suit, how do you pronounce it?
CF: Well weíll tackle that when we get to it, shall we?
NP: My best suit, 60 seconds starting now.
CF: My best suit is the one... that I...
NP: Sheilaís challenged.
NP: Whoever had challenged then would have had it! Sheila you have a point and 55 seconds...
SH: Oh Lord!
NP: ... for my best suit starting now.
SH: Well I donít have that many suits, actually, but just occasionally I put on my pinstripe and that is rather elegant. Itís grey with a white line on it, and I wear it with a tie and trilby and er...
SH: ... and I am steadily getting kinkier as I go on with this subject! Oh Iíve just...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well I just thought that listeners ought to know sheís actually wearing a rather revolting yellow jacket but...
SH: Which belongs to Nicholas Parsons!
NP: And thatís going to sound extremely compromising unless you explain it Sheila.
SH: Well because I was cold when I came in to the studio, and Nicholas, gentleman that he is, put his jacket over my shoulders.
NP: And I am shivering here!
CF: And I, Iím wearing his trousers!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Itís when you get to the underclothes you have to start worrying! Peter what was your challenge?
PJ: My lips are sealed! What was that?
NP: Your challenge?
PJ: Oh the challenge? Well yes, one of my favourite proverbs, ah, translated from the French, life is hard, women are difficult, children easy to make, courage my friend!
SH: Deviation, Iím so confused, has he got it or me?
PJ: Farewell baskets, the grapes are gathered!
SH: (laughs) Oh dear!
NP: If anybodyís got any pro verbs, send them to Peter Jones, he obviously needs them. There are 34 seconds with you Sheila on my best suit starting now.
SH: Well when I played whist regularly I would find that I had the occasional ace, king, queen or jack, which as any of you knows whoíve played that game I mentioned before, are very useful cards to have because you can trump your partner with these said... cards, and...
NP: And Clementís got in.
CF: Ah deviation.
CF: You canít trump your partner with ace, king, queen, jack, unless they happen to be trumps.
NP: If youíd had a repetition of cards...
CF: Oh no! That's too easy!
NP: So Sheila youíve got a wrong challenge and you keep the subject...
NP: ...which I know you donít want!
NP: Ten seconds for my best suit starting now.
SH: I have this lovely bathing suit. Itís brown, actually I have two of them and this is my best one. Itís got scraps on either side...
SH: Oh dear! Iíve forgotten how mad I am to play this game!
NP: Sheila I would like to say you struggled manfully, you struggled womanfully to keep going when you didnít want the subject, and she, Sheila Hancock, has taken the lead with Clement Freud at the end of that round. Peter Jones weíre back with you and the subject is darts. Can you talk on darts for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well no, frankly, I canít! Because I know very little about them! I have played, once I think, when I was a child, but itís not something that really appeals to me. They seem so small, those things they throw at the board. I think knives or axes would be more exciting things to throw, particularly in a crowded pub...
NP: Sheila Hancock.
SH: Repetition of throw.
PJ: I noticed that Sheila, it didnít pass unnoticed, or appreciated. I must admit I would like to say a few words...
NP: Oh shut up!
PJ: ... just to draw attention to that generosity!
NP: Have you quite finished?
SH: Have you got another proverb?
NP: Sheila there are 38 seconds...
PJ: The dogs bark but the caravan passes!
NP: Thirty-eight seconds Sheila on darts starting now.
SH: I spent my childhood in a pub because my father worked in one. And when the customers had gone at lunchtime, we, my sister and I, used to have a go at the dart board. And I must say I got rather good at it...
NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Because the subject is darts, not having a go at the dart board with your sister.
NP: Itís a very amusing challenge but I think having a go at the dart board was her interpretation of playing darts. So she keeps darts with 25 seconds left starting now.
SH: When we threw our darts, Clement, we occasionally hit a bull or a double or even a treble which is what you have to do in darts. And these are little instruments with a needle thing on one end and feathers on the end which propel...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of end.
NP: Yes there were two ends. There are nine seconds, no, there are eight and a half seconds for darts with you now Clement starting now.
CF: The very best... dart board...
NP: Graeme Garden challenged.
GG: The very best ah, I thought was hesitation.
NP: I think it was too Graeme yes. Thereís six and a half seconds on darts Graeme with you starting now.
GG: It would be the work of but six and a half seconds for me to describe my best suit which has in fact two darts...
NP: So Graeme Garden was then speaking when the whistle went, he made a dart of that subject and got a point. And heís now in fourth place at the end of that round. And Graeme Garden itís your turn to begin, the subject is choice. Would you go on that one for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
GG: When I was asked to, whether or not to appear on this programme, I was faced with one of the most difficult choices that it has ever been my unfortunate lot to encounter. It was only after a good deal of persuasion and barbecued turkey from Ian Messiter that I was persuaded in the first place to ah appear um...
NP: You challenged?
PJ: Well I er naturally noticed the repetition but I was too fascinated to hear how he came to be on the programme! I didnít buzz!
GG: Weíll swap stories later!
PJ: Ah! Thank you very much Graeme! Yes all right!
NP: Twenty-seven and a half seconds are left Clement, you had a correct challenge, you now have choice starting now.
CF: As I have two suits which are equally good, I have this daily choice on which to wear. The left-hand one, looking at my cupboard from the east is black, pinstriped mohair. Whereas the one on the far side, to the right or west as you might care to put it, is a simple dark gabardine...
NP: Graeme Garden challenged.
GG: It took some working out, but it canít be on the west if the other one is on the left looking from the east.
NP: I wondered when someone was going to spot that.
CF: Iíve only got one hanger!
SH: Well with one mohaired suit, you could afford to buy some more!
NP: Yes! So anyway there are 14 and a half seconds left Graeme on choice with you starting now.
GG: Some people choose to use a hanger for storing their suits, others to use one for keeping an aeroplane in. Personally had I got one of these useful devices, Iím not sure exactly what would be my choice...
NP: So Graeme Garden, not having played the game before, is now getting the hang of it, he gained some more points including one for speaking when the whistle went, and heís overtaken Peter Jones. Clement Freud, the subject, the starting point is back with you. The subject is this great panjandrum. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: The great panjandrum probably has fewer clothes than anybody Iíve ever come across. Although he has admittedly two pairs of shoes, he possess but a single sock, one pant, and the sleeve, the right-hand one, of a white shirt. For this reason, I think it is a mistake to refer to him as the great panjandrum. He is more the, the sort-of medium panjandrum, or um, to put it another way...
PJ: Oh hesitation.
NP: Yes yes I think that was absolutely right.
CF: Thank you very much!
NP: You obviously donít want the subject because the hesitation seemed to go on forever!
PJ: No, I donít want it at all, no! Let him go on! Why donít you overlook it?
NP: No, I think weíd like to hear from you...
PJ: It was a pretty tough challenge, you must admit!
NP: You might have another proverb about panjandrum.
NP: There are 30 seconds left for the great panjandrum, Peter Jones starting now.
PJ: The great panjandrum is whatever you may think it is, I suppose. But if you really reflect and meld into your subconscious, try and lie down for a few minutes, if youíve got room out there in the audience. And little thoughts come into your mind as I make these suggestive sounds. Because panjandrum as such is something which is important to each and every one of us, as we sit there in this particular year...
NP: Well it is indeed and you gained that extra point for keeping going until the whistle went for 30 seconds. And the audience showed their appreciation, and youíve overtaken Graeme Garden again. And Sheila weíre back with you to start and the subject is justice. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
SH: Well one of the greatest purveyors of justice that I know is Nicholas Parsons!
SH: He rules this game with a rod of iron, always being as fair as he possibly can in the most appallingly difficult circumstances. Justice is a woman is a phrase I quite like the sound of, because what could be more just than the average female, going through...
NP: Peter Jones.
SH: Heís going to tell me!
PJ: Practically anything!
SH: Now come on Nicholas...
NP: As a mere male, how do I judge on that one?
NP: I know, I will put it to the audience. If you agree with Sheilaís statement, you cheer for her. And if you agree with Peterís challenge, you boo for him. And you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Oh the men cheering for the justice of the women, all right then Sheila. The audience say that justice is a woman, and you have it, and she does hold the scales doesn't she? And...
SH: How many seconds?
NP: How many sex?
NP: Oh seconds! Iím sorry! Talking about women, my mind wandered for a moment! Um there are 26 seconds...
NP: ... for justice with you Sheila starting now.
SH: There is nothing to compare with British justice, although occasionally I must say...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Well you can compare, you can compare anything with anything.
NP: But when you say thereís nothing to compare, it means that...
CF: No! It means that very simply, there is nothing to compare! If you compare the justice of any other country with our justice, it comes off very badly indeed!
NP: But Sheila was using a phrase, she was not deviating from justice. And therefore she keeps the subject, having gained another point for an incorrect challenge. Twenty seconds left starting now.
SH: I will rephrase it by saying that the subject that I said before is incomparable. That might please you better although...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: No, it doesnít!
NP: ITís still an in, it doesnít matter, itís still an incorrect challenge whether he likes it or not. There are 13 seconds for you on justice, Sheila starting now.
SH: I will admit that occasionally there is a questionable verdict made in the courts which I would dispute. For instance sometimes somebody is given a heavily long sentence for a crime that I would have thought was better treated...
SH: Oh! Oh I do apologise, that was unutterably boring!
NP: No, you kept going magnificently. You were absolutely incomparable throughout! Ah she kept going, she gained an extra point when the whistle went. And actually she has quite a lot of points at the end of that round. But I also have to tell you we have no more time to play Just A Minute so I now have to wind up the proceedings and that at the end of the show, Graeme Garden, coming to play the game having not played it before, did very well. But he did finish one point behind Peter Jones who was in third place. Peter didnít do so well, he was quite a few points behind Clement Freud. But that last burst from Sheila Hancock on justice gave her a strong lead and she is this week without doubt our winner! Sheila Hancock! We hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, not only the game but also the argument and the banter that goes on in between and from all of us here good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.