JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,TRice
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and TIM RICE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 March 1981)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Tim Rice in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panellists if they can talk if they can on the subject I will give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. We welcome as our guest Tim Rice, the other three are regulars as you know. And weíll begin the show the week with Kenneth Williams and who better. Kenneth the subject, being forceful. Will you try and tell us about that subject in 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I suppose the one person in English life who epitomises this gift was Winston Churchill. And in his utterances it was the forceful nature that so impressed us in an hour of great adversity. When he would say (in Winston Churchill voice) ďif the Nazis with all the Germanic benefits of war were displayed all along Brighton front or Southend Pier, I would be...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged you.

KW: (in Churchill voice) ď.... fighting, I would be fighting...Ē

NP: Tim what is your challenge?

TIM RICE: There was a repetition of (in Churchill voice) ďaugh!Ē

NP: Tim as a newcomer, I will be generous. Because I think that was a good challenge and how else do you judge but to say yes to our guest. And Tim say you have a point for a correct challenge, and you take over the subject with 33 seconds left starting now.

TR: Being forceful is something I find very difficult as I am an extremely modest person, almost without fault. Quiet, temperate and extremely concerned with not offending other people, who might be upset by a loud, boisterous person going...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of person.

NP: That is right, yes. Clement you have the subject, you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 18 seconds, being forceful starting now.

CF: Being forceful is something I always connect with husbands and fathers of the bride in marriages. And if I had my way, it would become infinitely more difficult to get married, and incredibly easy to become divorced. That seems to me the only way in which...

WHISTLE

NP: Well for those of you who may not be thoroughly aware of the rules, they are that whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, blows, gains an extra point. And it was of course Clement Freud. So at the end of that round he has two points, Tim Rice has one. And Clement Freud would you begin the next round. And the subject, a simple devil. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: A devil can be any number of things, not only Satanic, but also the printing industry and in particular in culinary usage. If you eat devilled whitebait, it is that fish covered in paprika, cayenne, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and all sorts of things which make it...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well if itís covered in all those things it canít be simple, can it? Itís quite, quite a complicated dish!

NP: Yes! A very good challenge, well done Peter. You have the subject of a simple devil, with 21 seconds, 40 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well a simple devil is someone who works in a printing ah office...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I thought I heard an er.

NP: You did hear a hesitation, or there was a hesitation, yes. Twenty-six seconds are left on a simple devil with you Tim starting now.

TR: I was attempting to enthral the assembled throng with a breakdown of my character last time I was speaking, before being rudely interrupted by...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís not discussing a simple devil.

TR: I was talking about my...

KW: I think we should stick to the subject you see. You must stick to your subject you see! You were talking about your character!

NP: You didnít establish early enough. Well done Kenneth, Iím with you.

KW: Yes!

NP: I donít think you established early enough that you were on the subject...

KW: No, no, he didnít establish! Quite right! Very good chairman! I like that in you! Heís a very good chairman! Yes! He knows how to handle it! Very nice! Yes!

NP: Wait till I give him a decision against him!

KW: Yes!

PJ: Anyway I donít think he was rudely interrupted. I mean thereís all the difference in the world between...

BUZZ

PJ: ... and (makes farting noise)

NP: Yeah definitely Peter, well done! Twenty-nine seconds, Kenneth Williams you have the subject of a simple devil starting now.

KW: Well this obviously refers to the element of evil which is without any kind of gradation or what we might call the element of compli...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of element.

NP: Yes. There was Iím afraid, Kenneth. There are 19 seconds Clement on a simple devil with you starting now.

CF: Hardly any sauce of any... oh!

BUZZ

KW: (laughs) He flummoxed himself, didnít he!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: He just couldnít get it out!

NP: I know but you were doing the flummoxing, but you didnít get in!

KW: Youíre quite right!

NP: Yes! So for those of you who havenít got visual radio yet, um Kenneth was doing a bit of one-upmanship on Clement, and er causing him to pause. Tim Rice got in and Tim your challenge?

TR: Well it was just that he seemed to collapse totally.

NP: Yes it was of course. Sixteen seconds for a simple devil starting now.

TR: Let me get right to the point this time, without any hesitation and say I am a simple devil. Not moronic, stupid, unintelligent or facile, but plainly ordinary. This means uncomplicated and grippingly interesting...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition, we had uncomplicated in his last little stint.

NP: You did, Iím afraid, yes.

KW: No he didnít. He didnít say uncomplicated, it was me.

PJ: But he talks about himself all the time! Itís an ego trip for him!

NP: But he doesnít come on the show very often!

PJ: Well thatís no excuse!

KW: He wants to unburden himself! Heís got to unburden himself, you see!

NP: Clement you cleverly got in with three seconds to go on a simple devil starting now.

CF: The very simplest of all devils would contain parmesan cheese...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is parts I refuse to play.

A SHOUT OF ďOHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Somebodyís imagination is already running wild! Will you allow her and us to enjoy your ideas in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well there arenít very many that I have ever refused, I must say. And anybody who knows, who knows anything about my record in theatre will realise that I have accepted a great many parts which any intelligent person would have refused because I couldnít do them at all well! But I would like to take this any opportunity of informing any theatrical manager, producer or director who may or may not be listening, and that includes Kenneth who I know isnít listening, I am...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of listening.

NP: Yes I...

CF: But could he go on with it?

NP: So we give Clement Freud a point for a correct challenge but he wants Peter to continue which is very nice. So Peter there are 31 seconds on parts I refuse to play starting now.

PJ: A prepaid stamped addressed envelope addressed to me at the BBC will no doubt elicit an acceptance of practically any part at no matter what salary...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

PJ: Iím apt to hesitate.

KW: He came to a halt! He came to a halt! He definitely came to a halt!

NP: Kenneth you have the subject, there are 18 and a half seconds left on parts I refuse to play starting now.

KW: I would now refuse to play certain parts which in the past, I accepted with alacrity. But now realise to my cost with the benefit of hindsight...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of cost.

NP: Yes.

KW: You are a great fool, you know! I was hardly under way! Itís ridiculous! I donít know why I play this! I wonít now!

NP: There are only seven or eight seconds left, so Clement will talk on the subject during that time starting now.

CF: Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter, Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester. Also Ophelia I wouldnít play...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud got quite a number of points in that round, increased his lead. Tim Rice by the way is still in second place, one ahead of Kenneth Williams and two ahead of Peter Jones, and Tim will begin the next round. The subject is chivalry. Tim will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

TR: Chivalry has been sadly lacking in this programme to date. Here I am, a new inexperienced programmer. And I have been subjected to abuse. I have attempted only to...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said I three times.

NP: And heís proved his point! He has been subjected to abuse! So Iím not going to allow it, and be generous as heís new to the game. Allow him to keep the subject, and he has 53...

PJ: He says I-I-I all the time! Itís like one of those South American numbers that he writes!

NP: Give Peter Jones a bonus point for a very good joke, even if only half the audience got it! And Tim, if you have another I, then Iím afraid I will have to er penalise you. But continue now with 51 and a half seconds on chivalry starting now.

TR: Speaking for my...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid he was inhibited by the generosity. Two and a half seconds actually before you uttered! Right Kenneth, weíre with you, 50 seconds on chivalry starting now.

KW: There are endless examples of this in the history of our country. Boadicea used to give an old harridan in Dorlich a ride in her bullock cart for no other reason than the poor old thing appeared to be exhausted. And it was the same with Walter Raleigh when he laid it down and said to Elizabeth ďhere! Tread on that!Ē She accepted this, and I believe she did. Itís an example...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Whatís he on about? Heís got nothing to say anyway, he just burbles, heís a windbag, isnít he!

CF: Repetition of believe.

NP: Whatís that?

CF: Repetition of believe.

NP: Yes he did. I donít remember him saying it.

CF: Oh well!

KW: It doesnít matter! Let him have it! Let him have it!

NP: Well no, Iím going to put it to the audience...

KW: Oh let him have it!

NP: Because you were going with such, such style and panache Iíd forgotten about the game I was enjoying it all. Iíll put it to the audience because Iím afraid...

CF: Let him go on!

NP: No, Iím going to let them judge. If you agree with Clementís challenge, would you cheer for Clement and boo for Kenneth, and all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Unanimous! They want you to continue Kenneth! You have another point and 30 seconds on chivalry starting now.

KW: Itís emblazoned on one of the chivalric orders in fact. Evil to him who evil thinks. Or...

BUZZ

NP: And Tim Rice has got in.

TR: A brace of...

CF: Give it to the audience!

NP: No!

CF: Let the audience decide!

NP: Yes!

KW: Well it is on the Order of the Garter and you canít say it any other way except by repeating it, can you?

NP: No but...

TR: Well you were wrong to, you know, try Kenneth.

KW: I see! Yes!

TR: It was a bad mistake and I know, I know you have...

NP: Tim you have the subject and you have 22 seconds on chivalry starting now.

TR: An example of chivalry which I personally feel is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: We werenít going to let Tim say ďIĒ any more!

TR: But...

NP: This time Clement Freud has to have it. Well listened Clem! There are 20, there are 20 seconds left on chivalry starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he was nobbled again! Kenneth was being even more ridiculous!

CF: More than nobbled!

NP: Peter Jones has the subject, there are 20, no, there are 18 seconds left on chivalry starting now.

PJ: Well itís something which I should like to see revived. And Iíd like to begin by having the AA patrol men...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Repetition of A!

NP: Yes! You should have said the RAC! There are 12 seconds on chivalry with you Tim starting now.

TR: Me was driving to Liverpool the other night. And I saw a lonely hitchhiker...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said ďI saw a lonely hitchhikerí!

NP: Well after this round we will not challenge on I. But as I did say in this round we would allow it. Peter you have the subject back and there are seven seconds, chivalry starting now.

PJ: And they would salute every car that passed them on the motorway whether they were members of this organisation or not. And I think that would bring...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point. At the end of that round heís equal in fourth place with Kenneth Williams. Theyíre only one behind Tim Rice and they are four behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Kenneth weíre back with you to begin. The subject, one of those historical ones which we know you enjoy. John Seldon, who was born in 1584. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: One of the most delightful aspects of his work is his table talk volume he published. And there is a charming account of an old blind violinist led into the company by a boy to play for them. And during the course of it, the lad noticed that they were all sneering and grinning. And he said ďlet us away father, for theyíre laughing at usĒ. And he said ďoh donít worry, boy, when we get their money weíll be laughing at them...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Couple of boys there.

NP: Yes, he said boy more than once.

KW: Yes, it was twice in fact.

NP: Well Iím glad you were counting!

KW: Yes! I mean itís not worth interrupting a charming story like that for a silly...

NP: He let you go quite a long time actually, before he interrupted.

KW: Oh thatís big of him, innit!

NP: Well in spite of...

PJ: He didnít let him go on as long as I did!

NP: In spite of the fact that you are trying to lecture us on historical facts, we are still trying to play Just A Minute.

KW: Mmmm!

NP: So Tim was right to come in and there are 28 seconds for him to talk about John Seldon, 1584, starting now.

TR: What can I tell you about John Seldon born in 1584 that you donít already know? The answer is not a lot, chum, because my knowledge of this esteemed gentleman is scanty in the extreme. However do not stop me in my tracks because I have many gripping instances of er um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, 11 seconds, John Seldon with you Clement starting now.

CF: The most memorable thing about John Seldon is his enormous disapproval at the beheading of Charles the First. He was also...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Well Charles the First was beheaded in 1649 so this cove er...

NP: It is true.

TR: ... would have been pretty old.

NP: He did disapprove...

TR: Did he really?

NP: It was in writing.

TR: He actually disapproved?

NP: Yes, definitely.

CF: He wrote about it.

NP: He wrote about it.

KW: He was anti-regicide! Surely you know about that?

TR: I, I never heard of this mush!

NP: Yes! Very good song for your next musical! Anti-regicide!

TR: I apologise.

KW: You stupid great nit! Coming in there and ruining it! Clement, you were under way, werenít you!

NP: Under way?

KW: You dried, didnít you!

NP: Three seconds, John Seldon starting now.

CF: In 15...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

KW: Yes Iím afraid so. No doubt about that!

NP: All right, one and a half seconds with you Peter on John Seldon starting now.

PJ: In 1605 he was 24 years old...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they all gained points in that round, but Clement Freud is still in the lead. And Clement your turn to begin and the subject, ancient unnecessary unrepealed laws. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: There is something called a Town Clauses Act. And if you were to read this carefully the most extraordinary number of ancient unnecessary and almost unrepeatable laws would be yours at the touch of a page. For instance, it is illegal to fly a kite. It is not permitted to clean a window from the outside. And Iím not at all sure why these things have happened but the sad thing is that they have occurred and are part and parcel of the same legislation which stops people soliciting in the street. And therefore if you allow your horse to urinate on the pavement, a simple thing which any one of us...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: He definitely had at least two things.

NP: Yes he did.

CF: So does a horse!

NP: Enough said! Sixteen seconds for you Tim to take over the subject of ancient unnecessary unrepealed laws starting now.

TR: How absurd it is that a chap cannot wander into a pub at any time of the day or night and down a glass of gin, whisky, beer, brandy, wine, red or white, muscadet, chablis...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tim Rice speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point. And others in the round and moved forward into second place, just behind Clement Freud. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject, electronics. Will you tell us something about those in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well thatís the kind of subject that brings on my paranoia. Because I know that itís been chosen because they are well aware that I donít know anything about it...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Because. Because I know itís been chosen because I know nothing.

NP: Yes Kenneth, you have the subject if electronics, 51 and a half seconds starting now.

KW: It has brought us the advantage of all kinds of things from computers to these telescopes that can tell you what happened in outer space at the touch of a button. In fact it can be rightly proclaimed that the use of the instruments which electronics have given rise to, has caused the brain to ossify! Many people who once would have added up their own sums and now keep pressing all these buttons instead, you see! I think it should be banned! And Iíve er ... I forgotten what Iím talking about!

BUZZ

KW: Iím so angry! The way these use these, they allow children to use these! Very bad!

NP: Mmmm but Tim what was your challenge?

KW: Yes what was you on about it?

TR: Well I thought he hesitated...

KW: What? I canít hear! Speak up!

TR: There was a definite hesitation.

KW: Oh!

NP: Actually thatís what he wanted you to do, he wanted...

KW: Heís right!

NP: I donít think he was right, because you kept going, I couldnít hear what you were saying...

KW: I was consumed by my anger you see. I get all, you know, worked up, and it all comes out, you know.

NP: You did actually pause, because, you know, your mouth was moving, I didnít know where the words were.

KW: You are nice!

NP: Yeah!

KW: Isnít he nice?

NP: Actually I... I donít know whether his sound was being picked up, I thought you were...

KW: Oh youíd better give the guest the benefit, I think.

NP: Iíve done it! Iíve given him that a number of times.

KW: Heís been on about chivalry and all that.

NP: Thirteen seconds for you then Tim on electronics starting now.

TR: Electronics have made great inroads into the world of art. And Iím talking about theatre, records, films, and other kinds of entertainment which all too often depend on modern electri... cal things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That was hesitation.

NP: Yes I would call it a form of hesitation so you cleverly got in with two seconds to go on electronics starting now.

CF: I have a digital watch that lights up...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud increased his lead at the end of the round. Tim Rice increased his position ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams. And Tim weíre back with you to start. The subject this time is the geometric markings near Nascar in Peru. Um do you know something about them. If not will you please tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.

TR: Come with me now to Nascar, Peru, where there are some very famous geometric markings. There are some on the hillside. But far more interestingly, there is a teacher there, an extremely well-known er imparter of information...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he did hesitate.

NP: Yes I think youíre right Peter.

PJ: And I have to weigh that in the balance against my complete ignorance of these geometric markings in Peru.

NP: Well I would save it, because you could have actually said that in the round, couldnít you. As you have 47 seconds to try and talk on the subject starting now.

PJ: Well we in England have got some interesting geometric markings, in Wiltshire, cut into the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

KW: Deviation, the subject is not...

NP: Well all right, but Clement Freudís challenged.

KW: ... the subject is not the geometric markings in Wiltshire, but the subject is these ones in Peru!

NP: Clement Freud challenged...

KW: Thatís the basis of his challenge! Thatís the basis! He canít speak at the moment. Heís got this cough! So Iím doing it for him.

NP: So Kenneth is working Clement Freud and working him very well! He hasnít got his hand up the back of his jacket.

PJ: Itís only by comparing them that we can get them in perspective. That is my point.

KW: What a load of hogwash! You really expect us to believe that?

PJ: No! Hogwash?

KW: Are you saying they go to Wiltshire and look at the geometric markings there, and then go to Peru and say ďoh look at the difference between here and Wiltshire!Ē Is that what you want us to believe?

NP: I dare say there are...

KW: What a load of old codswallop, isnít it!

NP: Kenneth! I dare say there are people like that who would do exactly that. But Peter did not establish that so...

PJ: I donít see why you should have the monopoly of codswallop in this programme!

KW: Thank you! I donít have to stay here to be insulted by you, Peter Jones!

PJ: You can go somewhere else!

KW: Yes! (laughs) Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street!

NP: Ah Kenneth...

KW: Itís disgusting!

NP: Having finished with the insults for a time, letís get back to the game. Clement Freud actually challenged though he hasnít spoken. You told us what his challenge is. And he has 32 seconds to tell us something about the geometric markings near Nascar, Peru starting now.

CF: When you talk about geometric markings near Nascar in Peru, the crucial point is how near? Since Tunbridge Wells by popular consent has got to be closer to Nascar in Peru, than Kilmarnock or Motherwell. And if you were to look at the comparative proximity...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: This is appalling deviation.

NP: Yes I would agree. Donít letís go into details about it, I think itís deviation.

TR: Also very boring, if I may say!

NP: Yes, 12 seconds on the geometric markings near Nascar, Peru, Tim starting now.

TR: Jose Emmanuel Sidebottom is a man whose geometric teaching is without parallel in the Southern Hemisphere of the American...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Actually the parallel figures very largely in these geometric markings, and anyone whoís studied it will know that they appear at least four times in the left-hand corner at the bottom of this huge square...

NP: I thought you said you couldnít talk on the subject.

PJ: Well I didnít want to er...

NP: Well anyway youíve got four seconds left to try and do so to win an extra point so start now.

PJ: Parallelograms and triangles...

WHISTLE

NP: Well itís a keen contest with a lot of points being scored. Kenneth Williams in spite of being in fourth place has got quiet a few points. Peter Jones has crept up, only one behind Tim Rice, and he is only two behind our leader still, Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams back with you to begin, the subject, red tape. Will you tell us something about that boring subject in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Material is used by legal paper to tie up their documents. But itís come to be a synonym for any kind of bureaucratic obstructiveness or obscurantism, call it what you will, itís up to you whatever soubriquet you prefer. I will not draw any kind of objection to it. But I understand the frustration that so many people feel when it comes. You have to get a job done, and to be told a mass of legal rigmarole which stand as the object of their desires. And humanity is about desire! What we all want in our bowels is to get on with it! Not to be hanging about and being told ďoh thatís subject to thatĒ, ďoh hereís a form to fill inĒ. You get fed up! And why not? Todayís a lovely day, we donít want all that hanging about, bowed down under the weight of the heaviness of honeycombed bureaucratic rubbish! I must...

WHISTLE

NP: Well give him a subject that makes him burn and he really boils over! And so you not only get a point for speaking as the whistle went, but an extra point for not being interrupted. And congratulations again! I now have to give you the final score because we have no more time to play Just A Minute. And Kenneth Williams in spite of that round of style, panache, exuberance and passion, still finished in fourth place! Peter Jones was a little ahead of him, one ahead of Peter Jones was Tim Rice. And two ahead of Tim Rice was our winner Clement Freud! I think itís congratulations to all four of our contestants particularly Tim Rice who hasnít played the game as often as others. I hope you may free to come back again some time Tim.

TR: Well if you insist, If you insist, I...

NP: Itís not for me to insist, but I hope that they will ask you again. But I would like to say to our studio audience, thank you for joining us, and to our listeners thank you for tuning in. And we hope that you will tine in again when once more we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.