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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 March 1977)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Alfred Marks and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again it is a great pleasure to welcome back young Alfred Marks who has come back to do battle with our three regulars, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. And they will all try and speak if they can at some time, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject that I will give them, if they can. And we start the show off in great form because Ian Messiter beside me is stripping! What it means I don’t know but let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams this week. And it’s Kenneth, oh what a good subject to start the show! How I get going! This audience has obviously been here before and they’ve seen you get going sometimes Kenneth. But will you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I out on my coat and I get out in the fresh air and I start to swing my arms backward and forward and do feel that the air is really doing some good! I think that when you get into a rhythm, the blood is circulating properly and the adrenalin flowing through the old veins, you really understand that you are one, so to speak, with the whole panegistic world of nature, beauteous and bountiful in the extreme. And then open the old gob and receive the nutrients which flow down the alimentary canal and then say to yourself what a blowout I’ve had. Oohh I feel quite replete! And wash it down with the odd glass of mead... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged you. PETER JONES: Repetition of down. NP: Yes. The nutrients went down and now you’re washing it down. So you did repeat that and Peter got in with nine seconds left. He gets a point for a correct challenge and the subject is how I get going Peter starting now. PJ: Well first of all I go to bed at night fairly early setting the alarm clock for pretty late. And then when it rings I leap out of bed refreshed by... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round Peter Jones got a point for his challenge and also one for speaking when the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up as you probably know. So he is the only one to have scored in the first round. Alfred Marks will you begin the second round. The subject is my first bike. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. ALFRED MARKS: Like a man’s first love you never forget your first bike. I come from the east end of London and was very poor. In fact I was made in Japan. And so we couldn’t afford to buy bikes. We had to go and hire one. And the shop round the corner was a bit of a Fagin because the bike either had a bell or brakes, you couldn’t have both. And invariably the chain fell off just at the crucial moment for example, when you’re just about to slide under a bus for insurance purposes, the chain would then connect itself and then I... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Chain twice. AM: There was one each side of the wheel you see. NP: You rather chained yourself up there Alfred! And Kenneth got in with a correct challenge and there are 29 seconds for my first bike Kenneth starting now. KW: It was a standard Raleigh and I used to go all over the rolling countryside and visit a little market town called Bisset in Oxfordshire and Divealick, Abbington. And read my poetry! And on the saddle of my bike or attached to the afore mentioned article I had a little bag into which I would stuff sandwiches, a thermos flask and tomatoes and a things from my allotment which I grew, also delightful strawberries with little bits of straw to keep them from the birds and the frost you know. And the.. WHISTLE NP: Do you believe he had all that stuffed in the back of his bicycle? No! But it was lovely... AM: Would have been even better with the tomatoes on it! NP: And the strawberries... AM: Strawberries and tomatoes! What a sandwich! NP: And all the birds fluttering around, trying to peck at his strawberries! Anyway it was the lovely that you... KW: Yes! Anyone can take the rise! Anyone can sit there, anyone can sit there doing that! Why don’t you have a go! I’d just like to see you keep going for 60 seconds! I’d love it to be around when you’re around to see! Always taking the rise... NP: Kenneth, Kenneth... KW: I’d like to see a turn around here (starts to cry)... NP: Control yourself Kenneth! You are over acting! KW: Yes I know! NP: He’s falling off his chair! Kenneth you did almost, you almost took them in for a moment. Don’t do it! You’ve got two points in that round, you’re equal with Peter Jones. And Clement Freud nice to hear from you and your turn to begin. The subject: communication. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation... CLEMENT FREUD: Almost a deviation because we haven’t heard from me! NP: The subject is communication and whether you’re heard or not you’re still supposed to try and speak on the subject. CF: I see. NP: And er Peter had a correct challenge.. CF: I failed! NP: Yes! They couldn’t believe it actually. They let you go for three seconds in silence. Peter there are 57 and a half seconds for communication starting now. PJ: Silence can be very eloquent. Just as a silence can... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of silence. NP: Yes I’m afraid he did say silence before. PJ: Yes! NP: And in the same sense it is a poetic statement like your birds coming down and eating your strawberries for a poetic image... PJ: Quite! And it can be pregnant although it doesn’t take nine months! NP: Well said Peter, well said! Clement Freud you had the correct challenge then and 52 seconds for communication starting now. CF: Communication is the art of conveying a thought, a reason, a purpose or whatever to another person or persons by speech or radio waves or possibly television. I am a communicator meaning that I practice the art of communications in whatever medium I choose. At one time I worked for a newspaper, magazine, journal, publications of all sorts. And then graduated to the waves of the air as purchased and broadcast by the British Broadcasting Corporation... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: The British Broadcasting Corporation has never purchased the waves of the air. Couldn’t have done! NP: They do actually yes! They have to pay for the use of the waves... PJ: Ah yes but they don’t pay... NP: No they rent them, they don’t, they don’t purchase the waves, you’re quite right... PJ: They purchase the right to use them... NP: To use them, I think that’s a very good and clever challenge, yes! CF: Very good. Yes. NP: Yes! There are 12 seconds... CF: Awfully good. NP: ... for communication Peter starting... CF: Very good. NP: ... now. PJ: I don’t think on the whole... CF: Very good challenge. PJ: ... it’s improving... CF: Good challenge. PJ: And I’m not going to be... CF: Quite right. PJ: ...put off by... CF: Quite right! PJ: ... this man speaking when I’m talking... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. Nothing about communication so far. PJ: Yes I was demonstrating it! NP: Yes you definitely were Peter! And under great difficulty because Clement Freud was trying to nobble you! As they say... PJ: Thank you very much! NP: ...metaphorically speaking. He’s on the other side of the stage here. There are four and a half seconds left for communication Peter with you starting now. PJ: We don’t want the House of Commons manners brought into this respectable game! CF: Hear hear hear! WHISTLE NP: The um, what what sorry? The score yes! I had a message then and so the score... Peter Jones you have increased your lead considerably at the end of that round, you got a number of points including one for speaking as the whistle went. And it is your turn to begin. The subject is nick nacks. Will you tell us something about nick nacks in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: My hobby is collecting nick nacks and I’ve got a number of them, quite a few knockers and some er driftwood and I’ve got some ginger beer bottles... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: I’ve got twice. NP: Did he say I’ve got twice. CF: Yes. NP: Oh well, well done. You have a... you have the subject of nick nacks Kenneth and there are 47 seconds left starting now. KW: I have all kinds in my drawers. I have lovely little cuff link nick nacks and I’ve got some very nice... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of I’ve got. NP: Yes you did say I’ve got twice, so he’s got you back... KW: I don’t believe it! Did I say I’ve got twice Clement? I trust you! NP: Yes you did. I mean the thing is that if we take each other up on such small words as that that we often allow to pass, it’s going to get a bit difficult. But there are... PJ: Well I take it back, I take it back! NP: No no no he had you with it so you can have him with it... PJ: The only reason was that since he displayed such appalling taste in interrupting me with it, I thought it might teach him a lesson if I did the same thing! NP: Since when did taste come into playing Just A Minute? PJ: When I joined the game! NP: Well said Peter, 42 seconds for nick nacks starting now. PJ: They can be terribly cheap. You can pick them up lying around in roadways and in parks and fields even. And a cork that has been discarded on a rubbish heap can have Chateau Latour written on it, and although you may not be able to afford a bottle of the wine itself, this souvenir of somebody else’s imbibing is a rather nice thing to have, to look at. It may still have a small scent or perfume still there... BUZZ NP: And Alfred Marks has challenged. AM: I’m not sure but a hesitation I thought. PJ: A hesitation, yes. NP: Yes... PJ: I think it was. NP: Yes. I thought you were going to say he repeated still but um ah there are 13 seconds Alfred for nick nacks starting now. AM: Knick knack paddy whack give the dog a bone was a song that featured in the Era of the Sixth Happiness which starred Ingrid Bergman. This has nothing at all to do with nick nacks as we understand them. Nick nacks refer to bric a brack... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Deviation. NP: Why? PJ: Because it had nothing whatever to do with nick nacks! NP: He said it had got nothing whatever to do with nick nacks as we know them so he was not actually deviating from the subject... PJ: But he’s asked to talk about nick knocks as we know them! You said yourself! It was an admission! AM: Do not argue with Sir please! PJ: Who is Sir? AM: He is! PJ: Oh well! AM: Nicholas Parsons! NP: He wasn’t actually deviating from the subject. He made a... AM: Nick nack Parsons! NP: Nick nack parsons! Nickalacks Parsons! There is one second Alfred left for you Alfred on nick nacks starting now. AM: Nick nack... WHISTLE NP: So the situation is that Alfred Marks has gained points in that round including the one for speaking as the whistle went. He’s now equal in second place with Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones is in a commanding lead and you might be surprised to hear that Clement Freud is in fourth place with one point. AM: I’m not surprised personally! NP: Kenneth it’s your turn to begin. The subject, Pompeii. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KW: One of the old great cities! Indeed it was a sad knight city before the conquest by the Romans in around what 1 BC. And then fell that tragic event in AD 79 when with the eruption of that volcano Vesuvius this delightful place was simply covered in volcanic ash which had the extraordinary effect of preserving masses of it in tact, and afterwards gave archaeologists a veritable field day. They found among the relics there 81 loaves, each weighing two pounds buried in a bakers oven. Would you believe it? Well you’ll have to because it is a fact! And all over the shop was various advertisements saying "come in here, three... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams knowing his history and loving Roman history particularly, took the subject of Pompei, told us a great deal about it, was not interrupted and so he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus point for no interruptions. And he’s still in third place! I’m wrong, you’re in second place ahead of Alfred Marks but still behind our leader Peter Jones. Alfred your turn to begin. The subject is behaviour. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. AM: Convention expects nay demands certain codes of behaviour. Don’t we remember our elders telling us whenever we visited relatives or friends, be on your best behaviour. Even if you are starving do not ask for seconds. Always excuse yourself if you want to leave the room. Don’t laugh at Uncle Harry eating his soup, and don’t stare at amazement at Auntie Hilda’s bust. You see all these things come under the general heading of behaviour. We have a certain mean, a certain demeanour... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Two certains. Repetition. NP: Yes! AM: Two? Two what? NP: You were too certain then! CF: Certain mean and... AM: Two certain yes. Well that’s what comes of being too certain yes. Thank you very much indeed. CF: Certain mean and certain demeanour. NP: Right, 31 seconds left Clement behaviour starting now. CF: The nicest child I ever knew was Charles Augustus Fortescue, He never tore his socks or scratched his pinafore, When eating bread he made no crumbs, he was extremely fond of sums, To which however he preferred the parsing of a Latin word, When asked when it was in his power, he gave information twice an hour, And as for thinking mutton fat unappetising, far from that, He often of his father’s board would beg them of his own accord, To give him if they didn’t mind... WHISTLE CF: May I say that the deviations from the text were entirely so that I wouldn’t have to repeat the word. NP: I think it was, it was, it was a brilliant achievement Clement and that recall from your childhood which was years ago we all know, to recite that was marvellous. Congratulations. I can’t give you a bonus point but I can give you one for speaking as the whistle went and you’re now equal with Alfred Marks in third place. And Clement it’s your turn to begin. The subject is hemlock. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. CF: Hemlock is addictive and saw to Socrates. Or to put it another way the great sage ate it and kicked the bucket. I’m always in the habit of confusing it with ambrosia which is equally hard to get hold of although tinned in the form of rice pudding and I believe available at some supermarkets where it is marked 2p off... BUZZ CF: Without any indication... NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. CF: ... of what it was before... KW: I think deviation. NP: You’ve got a correct challenge and the subject and 34 seconds to talk on hemlock starting now. KW: This derives of course from the plant known as hem bayne and was administered notably by Clacamenstro who said to Agamenon "do you fancy a drop of something?" when he was in his bath. And he thinking she was going to offer him a light ale had one... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes there was a hesitation because you stopped speaking and therefore even if you were mouthing words it was a hesitation. There are 19 seconds left for Clement for hemlock starting now. CF: Hemlock can also be a sort of feminine sartorial chastity girdle by using a chain and a padlock to tie your boot to the bottom of your hem... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hemlock is no such thing! It’s devious, it’s devious in the extreme to pretend that it is! NP: You can lock your hems, no I don’t agree... KW: You don’t lock your hems! Fat lot of good it would do you anyway! They’d just tear off something else wouldn’t they! As I know to my cost! I’ve been taken advantage of... NP: Kenneth... KW: I’ve been taken advantage of! Mmmm, loved it actually! NP: Never in Just A Minute... CF: Did you enjoy it? KW: Oh no no no you naughty boy! Go on! NP: Nine seconds for hemlock starting now. KW: Well as I saying you see, they take this root of hem bayne and extract it... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of hem bayne. NP: You said hem bayne before when you were talking. KW: Oh what a shame! I was so anxious to inform people... NP: Four seconds Clement with hemlock starting now. CF: Hemlock today would be a white powder probably produced by a pharmaceutical... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud was in fourth place a little while ago but it doesn’t take him long to catch up. And in that round he got a lot of points including one for speaking as the whistle went. He’s now in third place but only two behind, no, he’s only one behind Peter Jones, who is one behind Kenneth Williams who has now become our leader. And as our listeners have heard he’s brought his usual supporters club with him. The subject is rackets. Peter Jones it’s your turn to begin and there are 60 seconds starting now. PJ: I do believe there are more rackets today than there ever were. And one of the worst is this practice by supermarkets of putting 2p off certain things. And also saying bumper offer and giving people a plastic flower or something if they spend over 100 pounds. It’s all absolutely ludicrous and terribly misleading. I think it’s high time that the consumers all got together and rebelled, and ostracised, and stayed away from the supermarkets who... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of supermarkets. NP: Yes you had the supermarkets before. PJ: Yes I had it before. NP: Yes. Rackets, Clement with you, and 31 seconds left starting now. CF: One of the lesser known things about the sport of tennis is that a racquet need not be of any specific size. And this was highlit or pinpointed only just recently when it was found that a racquet nearly one and a half times as large as the usual one was used in a competition whereby a player of Yugoslavian origin although he played under the auspices or flag of Romania won a competition in Forest Hills by employing this means... WHISTLE NP: Which interesting information kept er Clement Freud going until the whistle went, and gained that extra point and he’s now equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams but they’re only one ahead of Peter Jones. Ah Kenneth the subject is speech habits, it’s your turn to begin and there are 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well of course, you see, if you are a person who comes from the upper classes you will inevitably develop quite different speech habits to those who come from the lower elements in society. A man like... Disraeli... BUZZ NP: Alfred Marks has challenged. AM: That was hesitation I think. NP: I’m afraid so, he couldn’t think of a good example in time. Alfred you have the subject after a correct challenge and there are 38 seconds for speech habits starting now. AM: One of the most fascinating men I ever met had the most extraordinary of speech habits. He used to hesitate, deviate and repeat himself! An example of the typical speech might be... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Deviation isn’t a speech habit, it’s a habit of logic, it’s not a speech habit. NP: That’s the habit he was talking about, not the deviation! And so that challenge was well tried but incorrect .. KW: Oh no it’s perfectly correct! You don’t understand it at all! NP: Kenneth you’re absolutely wicked! You get that audience going and no matter what you say they applaud you! And you try to make me look like a ninny and a nana... CF: It’s not difficult! NP: Oh I think you’re all rotten! I will stick to my guns and say... CF: What else do you have to stick to? NP: ... that what I said before was accurate and Alfred Marks was correct and he has 28 seconds to continue with speech habits starting now. AM: It was so exasperating to try and hold a conversation where all he said was ermmm errrr errrmm ummm... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of ummm. NP: Yes! AM: That was unfair! NP: Twenty-two seconds for speech habits Clement starting now. CF: One of the most common speech habits is stammering or stuttering which... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Stammering and stuttering are not speech habits, they are speech defects which is quite a different matter. APPLAUSE KW: Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Thank you very much indeed! It’s very sweet of you to applaud me in that fashion! You are only acknowledging merit! NP: They... it’s 17 seconds, speech habits, starting now. KW: Well now one of the most interesting speech habits is the inability of Germans to pronounce certain letters. Instead of the w they often do it as v. Instead of the word they sink it as verd, and the th goes into s, like I’m alvays talking like vis you see, and... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of this. NP: Yes. There was too many thises... KW: Well I was just trying to embroider Clement! I mean... NP: And that’s a speech habit isn’t it! I would have defended yourself on a speech habit but you weren’t quick enough there Kenneth. There is one fifth of a second left for a speech habit with you Clement starting now. CF: Tuck! WHISTLE NP: Well Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round but Kenneth Williams is keeping up the challenge, he’s only two points behind and Peter Jones has remained reasonably static but he is still in the game and so is Alfred Marks who is going to begin the next round. Alfred the subject is more. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. AM: Probably the most famous cry of "more" came from Oliver Twist in Charles Dickens’ immortal novel of the same name. "I want more" and he got it! Also of course other things, let us broaden the spectrum and look at the state of the world today. Everyone demands more! The workers demand more money! The capitalists demand more capital! BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. AM: Demand the point! NP: Yes. PJ: Repetition. NP: Too much demand there! AM: That’s what I said, too much demand! NP: I know! It is... AM: Everyone’s demanding! NP: Will the audience please keep quiet! They’re having a sing song out there! There are... Who’s talking in the audience? Just listen to Just A Minute or go home please! There are 39 seconds Peter for more starting now. PJ: There’s Old Moor. And Kenneth Moore. And Patrick Moore, that’s a name that springs to mind because you may recall that he was a guest on this very programme, and did extremely well because he was able to speak at enormous speed. I don’t remember what he said, I can’t remember... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Two remembers. NP: Yes and there are 21 seconds left for more with you Clement starting now. CF: As it is a rule of this game that you may repeat the word on the card I would like to remind the audience of the song called "Don’t Have Any More, Mrs Moore". If you have any more, Mrs Moore, you’ll have to marry the man next door! So don’t have any more... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation. NP: Why? KW: The lyric is not you’ll have to marry the man next door, you’ll have to rent the house next door! NP: Well done! CF: Just as well, yes! KW: There’s no marry the man! NP: No well done! Alfred what do you want? CF: That comes later. AM: There was also a couple of haves there, wasn’t there! NP: Well it’s too late now! AM: I know, I just thought I’d say it and just throw it in to back up Kenneth ... NP: You deviated... AM: I want to see Mr Freud demolished you see! NP: ... from ... I’m afraid we only have about a minute left before the end of the show and he’s got quite a strong lead and there’s only five seconds left for Kenneth to talk so it’s going to be rather difficult but do your best Kenneth. The subject is more starting now. KW: That is what people are demanding of me! More Kenneth Williams! We want more of him! They scream this at me... WHISTLE NP: Well we certainly couldn’t have too much of Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute and the same goes for Peter Jones and Alfred Marks and Clement Freud. And let me tell you how they all finished up in this edition of Just A Minute. Well Alfred Marks returning again did extremely well but he did finish in fourth place this time. He was a little way behind Peter Jones who at one time had the lead, who was just behind Kenneth Williams, who was always in this game challenging this week’s winner, Clement Freud. And we hope that you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to be with us again. Until then from all of us here tonight, goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell. |
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