JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 March 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Alfred Marks and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again it is a great pleasure to welcome back young Alfred Marks who has come back to do battle with our three regulars, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. And they will all try and speak if they can at some time, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject that I will give them, if they can. And we start the show off in great form because Ian Messiter beside me is stripping! What it means I donít know but let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams this week. And itís Kenneth, oh what a good subject to start the show! How I get going! This audience has obviously been here before and theyíve seen you get going sometimes Kenneth. But will you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I out on my coat and I get out in the fresh air and I start to swing my arms backward and forward and do feel that the air is really doing some good! I think that when you get into a rhythm, the blood is circulating properly and the adrenalin flowing through the old veins, you really understand that you are one, so to speak, with the whole panegistic world of nature, beauteous and bountiful in the extreme. And then open the old gob and receive the nutrients which flow down the alimentary canal and then say to yourself what a blowout Iíve had. Oohh I feel quite replete! And wash it down with the odd glass of mead...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Repetition of down.

NP: Yes. The nutrients went down and now youíre washing it down. So you did repeat that and Peter got in with nine seconds left. He gets a point for a correct challenge and the subject is how I get going Peter starting now.

PJ: Well first of all I go to bed at night fairly early setting the alarm clock for pretty late. And then when it rings I leap out of bed refreshed by...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Peter Jones got a point for his challenge and also one for speaking when the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up as you probably know. So he is the only one to have scored in the first round. Alfred Marks will you begin the second round. The subject is my first bike. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

ALFRED MARKS: Like a manís first love you never forget your first bike. I come from the east end of London and was very poor. In fact I was made in Japan. And so we couldnít afford to buy bikes. We had to go and hire one. And the shop round the corner was a bit of a Fagin because the bike either had a bell or brakes, you couldnít have both. And invariably the chain fell off just at the crucial moment for example, when youíre just about to slide under a bus for insurance purposes, the chain would then connect itself and then I...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Chain twice.

AM: There was one each side of the wheel you see.

NP: You rather chained yourself up there Alfred! And Kenneth got in with a correct challenge and there are 29 seconds for my first bike Kenneth starting now.

KW: It was a standard Raleigh and I used to go all over the rolling countryside and visit a little market town called Bisset in Oxfordshire and Divealick, Abbington. And read my poetry! And on the saddle of my bike or attached to the afore mentioned article I had a little bag into which I would stuff sandwiches, a thermos flask and tomatoes and a things from my allotment which I grew, also delightful strawberries with little bits of straw to keep them from the birds and the frost you know. And the..

WHISTLE

NP: Do you believe he had all that stuffed in the back of his bicycle? No! But it was lovely...

AM: Would have been even better with the tomatoes on it!

NP: And the strawberries...

AM: Strawberries and tomatoes! What a sandwich!

NP: And all the birds fluttering around, trying to peck at his strawberries! Anyway it was the lovely that you...

KW: Yes! Anyone can take the rise! Anyone can sit there, anyone can sit there doing that! Why donít you have a go! Iíd just like to see you keep going for 60 seconds! Iíd love it to be around when youíre around to see! Always taking the rise...

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth...

KW: Iíd like to see a turn around here (starts to cry)...

NP: Control yourself Kenneth! You are over acting!

KW: Yes I know!

NP: Heís falling off his chair! Kenneth you did almost, you almost took them in for a moment. Donít do it! Youíve got two points in that round, youíre equal with Peter Jones. And Clement Freud nice to hear from you and your turn to begin. The subject: communication. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation...

CLEMENT FREUD: Almost a deviation because we havenít heard from me!

NP: The subject is communication and whether youíre heard or not youíre still supposed to try and speak on the subject.

CF: I see.

NP: And er Peter had a correct challenge..

CF: I failed!

NP: Yes! They couldnít believe it actually. They let you go for three seconds in silence. Peter there are 57 and a half seconds for communication starting now.

PJ: Silence can be very eloquent. Just as a silence can...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of silence.

NP: Yes Iím afraid he did say silence before.

PJ: Yes!

NP: And in the same sense it is a poetic statement like your birds coming down and eating your strawberries for a poetic image...

PJ: Quite! And it can be pregnant although it doesnít take nine months!

NP: Well said Peter, well said! Clement Freud you had the correct challenge then and 52 seconds for communication starting now.

CF: Communication is the art of conveying a thought, a reason, a purpose or whatever to another person or persons by speech or radio waves or possibly television. I am a communicator meaning that I practice the art of communications in whatever medium I choose. At one time I worked for a newspaper, magazine, journal, publications of all sorts. And then graduated to the waves of the air as purchased and broadcast by the British Broadcasting Corporation...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: The British Broadcasting Corporation has never purchased the waves of the air. Couldnít have done!

NP: They do actually yes! They have to pay for the use of the waves...

PJ: Ah yes but they donít pay...

NP: No they rent them, they donít, they donít purchase the waves, youíre quite right...

PJ: They purchase the right to use them...

NP: To use them, I think thatís a very good and clever challenge, yes!

CF: Very good. Yes.

NP: Yes! There are 12 seconds...

CF: Awfully good.

NP: ... for communication Peter starting...

CF: Very good.

NP: ... now.

PJ: I donít think on the whole...

CF: Very good challenge.

PJ: ... itís improving...

CF: Good challenge.

PJ: And Iím not going to be...

CF: Quite right.

PJ: ...put off by...

CF: Quite right!

PJ: ... this man speaking when Iím talking...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation. Nothing about communication so far.

PJ: Yes I was demonstrating it!

NP: Yes you definitely were Peter! And under great difficulty because Clement Freud was trying to nobble you! As they say...

PJ: Thank you very much!

NP: ...metaphorically speaking. Heís on the other side of the stage here. There are four and a half seconds left for communication Peter with you starting now.

PJ: We donít want the House of Commons manners brought into this respectable game!

CF: Hear hear hear!

WHISTLE

NP: The um, what what sorry? The score yes! I had a message then and so the score... Peter Jones you have increased your lead considerably at the end of that round, you got a number of points including one for speaking as the whistle went. And it is your turn to begin. The subject is nick nacks. Will you tell us something about nick nacks in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: My hobby is collecting nick nacks and Iíve got a number of them, quite a few knockers and some er driftwood and Iíve got some ginger beer bottles...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Iíve got twice.

NP: Did he say Iíve got twice.

CF: Yes.

NP: Oh well, well done. You have a... you have the subject of nick nacks Kenneth and there are 47 seconds left starting now.

KW: I have all kinds in my drawers. I have lovely little cuff link nick nacks and Iíve got some very nice...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Iíve got.

NP: Yes you did say Iíve got twice, so heís got you back...

KW: I donít believe it! Did I say Iíve got twice Clement? I trust you!

NP: Yes you did. I mean the thing is that if we take each other up on such small words as that that we often allow to pass, itís going to get a bit difficult. But there are...

PJ: Well I take it back, I take it back!

NP: No no no he had you with it so you can have him with it...

PJ: The only reason was that since he displayed such appalling taste in interrupting me with it, I thought it might teach him a lesson if I did the same thing!

NP: Since when did taste come into playing Just A Minute?

PJ: When I joined the game!

NP: Well said Peter, 42 seconds for nick nacks starting now.

PJ: They can be terribly cheap. You can pick them up lying around in roadways and in parks and fields even. And a cork that has been discarded on a rubbish heap can have Chateau Latour written on it, and although you may not be able to afford a bottle of the wine itself, this souvenir of somebody elseís imbibing is a rather nice thing to have, to look at. It may still have a small scent or perfume still there...

BUZZ

NP: And Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Iím not sure but a hesitation I thought.

PJ: A hesitation, yes.

NP: Yes...

PJ: I think it was.

NP: Yes. I thought you were going to say he repeated still but um ah there are 13 seconds Alfred for nick nacks starting now.

AM: Knick knack paddy whack give the dog a bone was a song that featured in the Era of the Sixth Happiness which starred Ingrid Bergman. This has nothing at all to do with nick nacks as we understand them. Nick nacks refer to bric a brack...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Because it had nothing whatever to do with nick nacks!

NP: He said it had got nothing whatever to do with nick nacks as we know them so he was not actually deviating from the subject...

PJ: But heís asked to talk about nick knocks as we know them! You said yourself! It was an admission!

AM: Do not argue with Sir please!

PJ: Who is Sir?

AM: He is!

PJ: Oh well!

AM: Nicholas Parsons!

NP: He wasnít actually deviating from the subject. He made a...

AM: Nick nack Parsons!

NP: Nick nack parsons! Nickalacks Parsons! There is one second Alfred left for you Alfred on nick nacks starting now.

AM: Nick nack...

WHISTLE

NP: So the situation is that Alfred Marks has gained points in that round including the one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís now equal in second place with Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones is in a commanding lead and you might be surprised to hear that Clement Freud is in fourth place with one point.

AM: Iím not surprised personally!

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin. The subject, Pompeii. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: One of the old great cities! Indeed it was a sad knight city before the conquest by the Romans in around what 1 BC. And then fell that tragic event in AD 79 when with the eruption of that volcano Vesuvius this delightful place was simply covered in volcanic ash which had the extraordinary effect of preserving masses of it in tact, and afterwards gave archaeologists a veritable field day. They found among the relics there 81 loaves, each weighing two pounds buried in a bakers oven. Would you believe it? Well youíll have to because it is a fact! And all over the shop was various advertisements saying "come in here, three...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams knowing his history and loving Roman history particularly, took the subject of Pompei, told us a great deal about it, was not interrupted and so he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus point for no interruptions. And heís still in third place! Iím wrong, youíre in second place ahead of Alfred Marks but still behind our leader Peter Jones. Alfred your turn to begin. The subject is behaviour. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Convention expects nay demands certain codes of behaviour. Donít we remember our elders telling us whenever we visited relatives or friends, be on your best behaviour. Even if you are starving do not ask for seconds. Always excuse yourself if you want to leave the room. Donít laugh at Uncle Harry eating his soup, and donít stare at amazement at Auntie Hildaís bust. You see all these things come under the general heading of behaviour. We have a certain mean, a certain demeanour...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two certains. Repetition.

NP: Yes!

AM: Two? Two what?

NP: You were too certain then!

CF: Certain mean and...

AM: Two certain yes. Well thatís what comes of being too certain yes. Thank you very much indeed.

CF: Certain mean and certain demeanour.

NP: Right, 31 seconds left Clement behaviour starting now.

CF: The nicest child I ever knew was Charles Augustus Fortescue,

He never tore his socks or scratched his pinafore,

When eating bread he made no crumbs, he was extremely fond of sums,

To which however he preferred the parsing of a Latin word,

When asked when it was in his power, he gave information twice an hour,

And as for thinking mutton fat unappetising, far from that,

He often of his fatherís board would beg them of his own accord,

To give him if they didnít mind...

WHISTLE

CF: May I say that the deviations from the text were entirely so that I wouldnít have to repeat the word.

NP: I think it was, it was, it was a brilliant achievement Clement and that recall from your childhood which was years ago we all know, to recite that was marvellous. Congratulations. I canít give you a bonus point but I can give you one for speaking as the whistle went and youíre now equal with Alfred Marks in third place. And Clement itís your turn to begin. The subject is hemlock. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Hemlock is addictive and saw to Socrates. Or to put it another way the great sage ate it and kicked the bucket. Iím always in the habit of confusing it with ambrosia which is equally hard to get hold of although tinned in the form of rice pudding and I believe available at some supermarkets where it is marked 2p off...

BUZZ

CF: Without any indication...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

CF: ... of what it was before...

KW: I think deviation.

NP: Youíve got a correct challenge and the subject and 34 seconds to talk on hemlock starting now.

KW: This derives of course from the plant known as hem bayne and was administered notably by Clacamenstro who said to Agamenon "do you fancy a drop of something?" when he was in his bath. And he thinking she was going to offer him a light ale had one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation because you stopped speaking and therefore even if you were mouthing words it was a hesitation. There are 19 seconds left for Clement for hemlock starting now.

CF: Hemlock can also be a sort of feminine sartorial chastity girdle by using a chain and a padlock to tie your boot to the bottom of your hem...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hemlock is no such thing! Itís devious, itís devious in the extreme to pretend that it is!

NP: You can lock your hems, no I donít agree...

KW: You donít lock your hems! Fat lot of good it would do you anyway! Theyíd just tear off something else wouldnít they! As I know to my cost! Iíve been taken advantage of...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Iíve been taken advantage of! Mmmm, loved it actually!

NP: Never in Just A Minute...

CF: Did you enjoy it?

KW: Oh no no no you naughty boy! Go on!

NP: Nine seconds for hemlock starting now.

KW: Well as I saying you see, they take this root of hem bayne and extract it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of hem bayne.

NP: You said hem bayne before when you were talking.

KW: Oh what a shame! I was so anxious to inform people...

NP: Four seconds Clement with hemlock starting now.

CF: Hemlock today would be a white powder probably produced by a pharmaceutical...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was in fourth place a little while ago but it doesnít take him long to catch up. And in that round he got a lot of points including one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís now in third place but only two behind, no, heís only one behind Peter Jones, who is one behind Kenneth Williams who has now become our leader. And as our listeners have heard heís brought his usual supporters club with him. The subject is rackets. Peter Jones itís your turn to begin and there are 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I do believe there are more rackets today than there ever were. And one of the worst is this practice by supermarkets of putting 2p off certain things. And also saying bumper offer and giving people a plastic flower or something if they spend over 100 pounds. Itís all absolutely ludicrous and terribly misleading. I think itís high time that the consumers all got together and rebelled, and ostracised, and stayed away from the supermarkets who...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of supermarkets.

NP: Yes you had the supermarkets before.

PJ: Yes I had it before.

NP: Yes. Rackets, Clement with you, and 31 seconds left starting now.

CF: One of the lesser known things about the sport of tennis is that a racquet need not be of any specific size. And this was highlit or pinpointed only just recently when it was found that a racquet nearly one and a half times as large as the usual one was used in a competition whereby a player of Yugoslavian origin although he played under the auspices or flag of Romania won a competition in Forest Hills by employing this means...

WHISTLE

NP: Which interesting information kept er Clement Freud going until the whistle went, and gained that extra point and heís now equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams but theyíre only one ahead of Peter Jones. Ah Kenneth the subject is speech habits, itís your turn to begin and there are 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course, you see, if you are a person who comes from the upper classes you will inevitably develop quite different speech habits to those who come from the lower elements in society. A man like... Disraeli...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: That was hesitation I think.

NP: Iím afraid so, he couldnít think of a good example in time. Alfred you have the subject after a correct challenge and there are 38 seconds for speech habits starting now.

AM: One of the most fascinating men I ever met had the most extraordinary of speech habits. He used to hesitate, deviate and repeat himself! An example of the typical speech might be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Deviation isnít a speech habit, itís a habit of logic, itís not a speech habit.

NP: Thatís the habit he was talking about, not the deviation! And so that challenge was well tried but incorrect ..

KW: Oh no itís perfectly correct! You donít understand it at all!

NP: Kenneth youíre absolutely wicked! You get that audience going and no matter what you say they applaud you! And you try to make me look like a ninny and a nana...

CF: Itís not difficult!

NP: Oh I think youíre all rotten! I will stick to my guns and say...

CF: What else do you have to stick to?

NP: ... that what I said before was accurate and Alfred Marks was correct and he has 28 seconds to continue with speech habits starting now.

AM: It was so exasperating to try and hold a conversation where all he said was ermmm errrr errrmm ummm...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of ummm.

NP: Yes!

AM: That was unfair!

NP: Twenty-two seconds for speech habits Clement starting now.

CF: One of the most common speech habits is stammering or stuttering which...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Stammering and stuttering are not speech habits, they are speech defects which is quite a different matter.

APPLAUSE

KW: Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Thank you very much indeed! Itís very sweet of you to applaud me in that fashion! You are only acknowledging merit!

NP: They... itís 17 seconds, speech habits, starting now.

KW: Well now one of the most interesting speech habits is the inability of Germans to pronounce certain letters. Instead of the w they often do it as v. Instead of the word they sink it as verd, and the th goes into s, like Iím alvays talking like vis you see, and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of this.

NP: Yes. There was too many thises...

KW: Well I was just trying to embroider Clement! I mean...

NP: And thatís a speech habit isnít it! I would have defended yourself on a speech habit but you werenít quick enough there Kenneth. There is one fifth of a second left for a speech habit with you Clement starting now.

CF: Tuck!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round but Kenneth Williams is keeping up the challenge, heís only two points behind and Peter Jones has remained reasonably static but he is still in the game and so is Alfred Marks who is going to begin the next round. Alfred the subject is more. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Probably the most famous cry of "more" came from Oliver Twist in Charles Dickensí immortal novel of the same name. "I want more" and he got it! Also of course other things, let us broaden the spectrum and look at the state of the world today. Everyone demands more! The workers demand more money! The capitalists demand more capital!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

AM: Demand the point!

NP: Yes.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Too much demand there!

AM: Thatís what I said, too much demand!

NP: I know! It is...

AM: Everyoneís demanding!

NP: Will the audience please keep quiet! Theyíre having a sing song out there! There are... Whoís talking in the audience? Just listen to Just A Minute or go home please! There are 39 seconds Peter for more starting now.

PJ: Thereís Old Moor. And Kenneth Moore. And Patrick Moore, thatís a name that springs to mind because you may recall that he was a guest on this very programme, and did extremely well because he was able to speak at enormous speed. I donít remember what he said, I canít remember...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two remembers.

NP: Yes and there are 21 seconds left for more with you Clement starting now.

CF: As it is a rule of this game that you may repeat the word on the card I would like to remind the audience of the song called "Donít Have Any More, Mrs Moore". If you have any more, Mrs Moore, youíll have to marry the man next door! So donít have any more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: The lyric is not youíll have to marry the man next door, youíll have to rent the house next door!

NP: Well done!

CF: Just as well, yes!

KW: Thereís no marry the man!

NP: No well done! Alfred what do you want?

CF: That comes later.

AM: There was also a couple of haves there, wasnít there!

NP: Well itís too late now!

AM: I know, I just thought Iíd say it and just throw it in to back up Kenneth ...

NP: You deviated...

AM: I want to see Mr Freud demolished you see!

NP: ... from ... Iím afraid we only have about a minute left before the end of the show and heís got quite a strong lead and thereís only five seconds left for Kenneth to talk so itís going to be rather difficult but do your best Kenneth. The subject is more starting now.

KW: That is what people are demanding of me! More Kenneth Williams! We want more of him! They scream this at me...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we certainly couldnít have too much of Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute and the same goes for Peter Jones and Alfred Marks and Clement Freud. And let me tell you how they all finished up in this edition of Just A Minute. Well Alfred Marks returning again did extremely well but he did finish in fourth place this time. He was a little way behind Peter Jones who at one time had the lead, who was just behind Kenneth Williams, who was always in this game challenging this weekís winner, Clement Freud. And we hope that youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to be with us again. Until then from all of us here tonight, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.