JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JJunkin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 April 1981)

NOTE: Kenneth Williams's 250th appearance, Sandra Pronger's first appearance blowing the whistle.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and John Junkin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome as our guest this week John Junkin, to try and pit his wits, his talent, his verbal dexterity and ingenuity against our three able exponents of the game, our three regulars. And once again theyíre going to try and talk on the subject I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud and the subject, Clement, is parking meters. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Parking meters provide some of the greatest revenue in this country, in that when you...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged right away.

JOHN JUNKIN: Itís not actually a challenge Nick. I only played this game once before and every time I challenged, they said ďno because he really talks like thatĒ. I just wanted to know for the record, does Clement really talk like that?

NP: Well weíd better ask him. Clement do you really talk like that?

CF: No, I have a high-pitched Yorkshire accent!

JJ: Just checking! Thank you!

NP: Just checking! Well if what he said is true, youíve actually won the challenge! You realise that?

JJ: Have I? (laughs)

NP: No, you havenít! Because er I do believe Clement does actually talk like that. So he has a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject, there are 54 seconds left, parking meters starting now.

CF: Open up a parking meter and you will find revenue of all sorts...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of revenue.

NP: Yes that is right, Derek you take over the subject, having gained a point and the subject. Fifty seconds, left, parking meters starting now.

DN: I think one of the few excitements left to one in this curious world in which...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two ones in a sentence. One of the few excitements left to one. Itís a bit quick, isnít it!

NP: It was a bit quick but itís a correct challenge...

CF: And does he always speak like that?

DN: (in impression of CFís voice) No, I normally speak...

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Do you wish... How do you normally speak Derek?

DN: Well I speak normally with (in impression of CFís voice) a rather heavy bearded voice and bald head, and try to bore everyone to tears.

NP: Right! Well Derek Iím sorry, your impersonation of Clement didnít quite get away with it, he has the subject and 47 seconds, parking meters Clement starting now.

CF: You tend to see people limping away from parking meters, because theyíve kicked them, in order to hurt the mechanism. I know a fellow who lives in Wimpole Street not far from my own residence who went to hospital quite frequently with damage to his ankle...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of frequently.

CF: Oh Iím sorry, I didnít know.

NP: Yes you did say frequently before. So Derek youíve got the subject back, another point. There are 22 seconds, parking meters starting now.

DN: I think the people that look after parking meters are the most obnoxious creatures in the whole wide world. Those frightful women, how I loathe them and despise them...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Deviation, heís talking about wardens, not about traffic meters.

NP: Youíre absolutely right John! A very good challenge!

CF: And theyíre very attractive people!

NP: Yes! It does need a bit of charm Derek, in order to chat to them on occasions. But thatís something you wouldnít know much about. So um...

DN: Youíll be sorry for that! (laughs)

NP: I have to take every opportunity when Derek Nimmoís on the show to get back a bit! John you have a point and the subject, there are 12 seconds, parking meters starting now.

JJ: Without being accused of deviation, may I say I do always talk like this. The principle of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He is deviating, heís not said a word about parking meters...

JJ: How can you deviate by starting on something? You can only deviate if you start on something and then go off it and come back!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh yes thatís true!

NP: No you mustnít, you mustnít deviate from the subject on the card. And you never established that what you were saying...

JJ: You always explain new rules to me, Nicholas! Why was this not made clear beforehand...

NP: No, no, you just, you just know the one golden rule they all play! Argue with the chairman and see if you can get away with it! Itís not going to work this time John! Derek was correct, he has seven seconds on parking meters starting now.

DN: When you find a parking meter that is jammed, the heart sings! And then you park your machine beside it and have hours of free...

WHISTLE

NP: When the whistle is blown it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And if the regular listeners at home are wondering why it was such a gentle blow this week, it was because it was blown by Sandra Pronger who has taken over from Ian Messiter who alas could not be with us. And whoever is speaking when that whistle is blown gets an extra point. It was Derek Nimmo who of course has the lead at the end of that round. And Derek weíd like you to take the next round, the subject is what I want for my birthday. So can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: What I want for my birthday is Sandra Pronger, blowing her whistle at the party that I intend to hold, because ladies and gentlemen, I want ice creams and lollipops and jellies, paper hats and novelties, carnival gaiety and all those games that one used to play in oneís youth, like postmanís knock, kissing all the pretty little fair-haired girls, that you greet at the door. And then blind manís buff! How many of you have played that wonderful sporting occasion when everyone goes around feeling and groping, trying to find whatís going on! Then...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I have!

JJ: Oh that was you back there, was it?

NP: Yes! So letís give Clement a bonus for a nice challenge but Derek gets a point for being interrupted and keeps the subject, what I want for my birthday, there are 22 seconds left starting now.

DN: And the conjuror who would do clever things with ropes and finally produce out of a top hat, a birthday cake with my name on it! The number of candles is rather irrelevant. But in fact I think finally we would have going home presents. They are very important, tied up with pink string and as the nanny comes to collect...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo started with the subject, and in spite of being interrupted, finished with it. So heís got two points in that round and another one for speaking as the whistle went and er Kenneth will you begin the next round. Very nice to hear from you! The subject is curiosity. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It means that desire to know. The curiosity which is all in human beings gives that impetus to open a door, so to speak, and enlighten. Therefore we can say itís a healthy thing to possess. A very eminent surgeon told me that curiosity led him to come to this conclusion about every single operation heíd been concerned with. He told me it was like opening a Pandoraís box! He said ďyou never know what youíre going to see inside!Ē And I said to him ďwell thatís a thought that had never occurred to me!Ē Iím...

WHISTLE

NP: So once again the person who started with a subject finished with it. And Kenneth had another point for speaking as the whistle went. And he is now in second place, alongside Clement Freud behind our leader Derek Nimmo. And John Junkin is only a little way behind er in third place. John will you begin the next round, the subject is swindles. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

JJ: Swindles although it may not be generally known to the panel, is the name of a very small firm of hardware manufacturers in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I happen to know this because the youngest son, John Swindles, came to this country some time ago and I had the privilege of meeting the aforesaid Mr Swindles, who told me a little about what his forebears do in Wisconsin. Swindles...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Even in Wisconsin, they donít have forebears!

KW: Yes!

NP: I would say that itís quite possible to have forebears in Wisconsin. Even if you only settled it, it might still be in another country, so you can still have forebears even though they donít live there.

DN: What happens if you...

NP: He did repeat Wisconsin but you didnít challenge him for that. So John is in luck, he has a point, keeps the subject, and 33 seconds starting now.

JJ: Swindles...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Wisconsin!

NP: But he didnít repeat it then!

CF: Thereís no time limit on challenges!

NP: So youíre making new rules are you?

JJ: If this one is allowed to stand, Parsons, you have made a rod for your own back which you will not...

NP: I make rods for my own back every week!

JJ: .... not like!

NP: But donít worry, donít worry John. Iím not going to let that one go, no, no! It was a nice challenge but er, letís give Clement a bonus, it was a good challenge wasnít it. But John gets a point also for er keeping the subject, being interrupted, swindles is still with you John, and there are 31 and a half seconds starting now.

JJ: Swindles is another term for a type of confidence trick. These are perpetrated by gentlemen who are known as tricksters. And their method of plying their dubious trade is to approach some innocent passer-by in some such thoroughfare as possibly, shall we say, Trafalgar Square...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think he was getting closer and that was a point to the challenger, it was Derek Nimmo, wasnít it. So he has nine seconds to take over swindles starting now.

DN: Swindles is a word that was introduced into the English language...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of word.

NP: When did he say word before? He hasnít spoken...

JJ: Four minutes ago!

NP: But he hasnít spoken in this round.

JJ: No, Iím just testing to see whether that one about Wisconsin would stand up!

NP: No, if you repeat the word in the round, except from the word on the card. Sorry John, a good try but Derek has more points and seven seconds, swindles starting now.

DN: Swindles was brought into the English language by Jewish immigrants in the 18th century. It was a word from...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of word.

NP: Yes he did it this time.

KW: But I wish youíd let him go on! I was fascinated! I never knew that! Come in the 16th century, did it?

CF: Seventeenth!

DN: Eighteenth!

KW: Eighteenth! Really?

DN: Something like that!

NP: Itís amazing what...

KW: That is interesting!

NP: Have you got any other questions before we can continue, itís... I mean, just because we have a lot of youngsters...

KW: You see, even I learned something! And thatís very interesting Derek! I wish youíd been allowed to go on enlightening us. I thought it was most...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin, yes, what have you got to say?

JJ: Kennethís boring!

NP: You donít have to come on Just A Minute to discover that!

JJ: Oh sorry!

NP: Clement you got in with half a second to go on swindles starting now.

CF: Cheat!

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud, the subject is statisticians and if you can pronounce it, would you please talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Statistician is not at all a difficult word to pronounce. You would go to a statistician if you lost your telephone number and ask him to estimate it. Thatís the sort of useful job that these people do. But if you wished to perceive, find out, or learn, glean, er...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think that was Derek, so you have the subject, statis... er, there are 40, no there are not, there are 38 seconds on statisticians starting now.

DN: As I came through London Airport this morning, there was a great team of statisticians trying to find out why the luggage was appearing so slowly. In fact there were more statisticians than customers, and they were actually taking photographs of the portmanteaux, cases, boxes and bags that came through on the trolley. Every now and again, they snapped away, put things down on to their...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think it was John. So you have 16 seconds on statisticians starting now.

JJ: Statisticians are the people who prove time and again that the old adage is totally correct. That there are lies, there are damned lies and...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.


DN: Two lies and two there ares.

NP: Right Derek, five seconds with you on statisticians starting now.

DN: If you take the numbers 43 and divide it by two point seven, you will find a most interesting statistic which proves...

WHISTLE

NP: A magnificent blow on the whistle there by Sandra, on the button and really clear! So we know that Derek Nimmo gets an extra point for speaking as it was blown. And Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is noodles. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: Me goring is one of my favourite noodles which you can eat in the harbour in Malaga or down through Port Dixon or even in Gihorbaru. Noodles originated probably in China. Sometimes itís said that Marco Polo brought back the recipe all the way from that place in many many...

BUZZ

DN: Thank you! (laughs)

CF: Repetition of many.

NP: Yes! Thirty-nine seconds are left with noodles and itís you Clement starting now.

CF: This is something on which the Chinese cuisine is almost based. In that whenever you go to Oriental restaurants and order half a portion of number 43, with a half of 198...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo.

DN: Two halves.

NP: Two halves. Yes it does make a whole but er...

CF: Did I say half?

NP: There are 37 and a half seconds, noodles Derek starting now.

DN: I suppose my favourite Chinese noodle would be mao-chow-fan which is mixed with those dear little bits of crab meat and fine south sea...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: No he wasnít hesitating there.

JJ: Was he acting?

DN: I wasnít acting anyway!

NP: Well yes! He acts all the time!

DN: It was a bit desperate but I wasnít acting!

NP: Anyway, 22 seconds, no 22 and a half seconds on noodles starting now.

DN: Some people, like Nicholas Parsons, need their noodle seeing to! But apart from that, I think when one goes to Indonesia...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.

KW: Oh deviation, because he said you want your noodle seeing to, whereas he meant noddle, didnít he.

NP: Thatís right, yes.

KW: So thatís deviating from correct English.

NP: He really meant nodules, didnít he?

KW: Oh did he?

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh I donít know about that! I didnít know there was a word nodule.

NP: And you should never get your noodles muddled with your nodules or you will be in trouble. Go into a Chinese restaurant and ask for a plate of nodules and you will be very surprised at what arrives! Ah Kenneth I agree with this, your challenge and you have nine seconds. I actually over-calculated last time on you Derek and there are nine seconds left on noodles starting now.

KW: A famous Scotch domini used to cry out ďyou noodle!Ē to a creature who he thought was not properly responding to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Thatís using it in exactly the same way he just complained about me!

NP: No, he said ďyou noodleĒ.

KW: The man was a fool! You said it about his head. You said his head, his noodle, whereas Iím talking about avoiding a fool, which is a different matter entirely.

DN: Well Nicholas Parsons is a fool!

KW: Well yes I know that! I mean...

NP: Shall we put that to the audience?


KW: Yes!

DN: Yes!

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: Is Nicholas Parsons a fool? All in favour cheer, and all who donít think he is a fool, boo...

NP: Thatís a very weak response! Is Derek Nimmo one?

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: There you are, equal! They all think weíre all fools up here, we wouldnít be playing the game otherwise, donít be ridiculous! Right, Kenneth, you have a half a second, having got another point there starting now.

KW: Composed entirely of...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, Derek Nimmo is in a strong lead, but Kenneth Williams catching up, heís now equal with Clement Freud in second place. John Junkin is trailing a little. And Kenneth begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is quackery. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: It refers to the practice by certain people of fraudulently convincing others they have a talent which alas, they do not possess in any way whatsoever. But the success of these people has been reported in our newspapers. Yes I have seen an account of a lady who said the treatment was wonderful that sheíd got. And later it transpired that this bloke had never been a practitioner at all! And that all these certificates...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: No, it was lovely! He had some of the audience absolutely corpsing over there! He had them wriggling like a pop group gets them going! Youíre, youíre a, youíre a cult figure! Thereís no doubt about it!

KW: Thatís true! I am! Itís true, what he says though! They do! I am a cult! They all say ďwhat a cult figure, that isĒ! They all do about me, heís right! Mmmmm! Nice looking fellow too, isnít he!

NP: You see how, how he visibly blossoms under a little bit of flattery. Kenneth...

KW: Well we all need it, donít we, the ego massage, it goes along way.

NP: Kenneth youíve got the audience going, while theyíre in the palm of your hand. Keep going on quackery with 22 seconds starting now.

KW: And that Jacob man said something delightful about it when he referred to the bill of the duck, and the quack that comes out. And he said that he thought the Almighty had had a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Had, had.

NP: Had had is yes. So Clairment, Clement, youíve got in with seven, seven seconds to go on quackery starting now.

CF: Anyone who can boast the title of ďMD Edinburgh failedĒ, would be absolutely okay to say that he was a quack...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. Heís gone one ahead of Kenneth Williams who is in third place. Derek Nimmo is in the lead. John Junkin is in fourth place and he begins the next round. And the subject John, boo. A lot has been spoken about that in Just A Minute, can you talk about it starting now.

JJ: A boo is a method of signifying the disapproval of an audience and is very rarely spoken of in the singular. One tends to talk of boos, because the people who gallow for some form of entertainment do not emit a single boo, but a series of them. It is or has been until comparatively recently, the only real way in which this can be demonstrated by individuals in a hall, until some time ago when football teams...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I donít think so. He was struggling and he had increased his delivery of speech which was...

CF: Thatís what hesitation means!

NP: You see John, how I try to be fair, particularly to our guest. John, you continue with boo, with 30 seconds starting now.

JJ: Football teams from the Continent and further afield came to play their game in this country. Whereupon... the individuals...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well dare I say hesitation.

CF: No!

NP: That was a definite hesitation Iím afraid Derek, yes.

JJ: Iíll give you one.

NP: You have 21 seconds for boo Derek starting now.

DN: It was my great pleasure some many years ago to play in a piece called the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: That was hesitation.

NP: Yes it was Clement yes. Sixteen seconds with you on boo now, starting now.

CF: Yah and sucks are actually words that er...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin, yes I agree John, without you saying it.

JJ: I havenít said anything.

NP: Derek Nimmo, whatís your challenge?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I know but John Junkin buzzed first.

DN: Oh did he, oh so sorry.

NP: Thatís all right, heís only a guest. I mean just bash him...

DN: No, I must have pressed simultaneously.

NP: All right there are um 13 seconds on boo starting now.

JJ: Boos in the plural can also sound...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud what is your challenge?

KW: He said plural before.

NP: Yes I know but...

CF: It was repetition.

NP: It was repetition, but I have to hear you say it.

CF: Iím so sorry!

NP: Otherwise we donít know itís home, those people, whether itís a correct challenge or not. It might be incorrect, mightnít it? Very unlikely coming from you but it could be, you know, it could be.

CF: Quite right! Quite right!

NP: Yes there are 10 seconds for you to take over the subject of boo starting now.

CF: I very well remember an evening in the Haymarket Theatre in London when the entire audience prior to walking out of the auditorium decided to give the bird in no uncommon fashion...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went has improved his position. Heís only two points behind our leader. Our leader is four ahead of Kenneth Williams and a little bit more ahead of John Junkin. And Clement Freud begins the next round. Clement the subject is records I would like to break. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: A 78RPM of Nicholas Parsonsí great moments as chairman of Just A Minute is I think the record that I would most like to break. Preferably over the head of the aforesaid member of this, sitting on my left at this moment. But there are ...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: But no, oh really, you know, I think we have gone too far!

KW: Hear hear! Hear hear!

DN: Because Nicholas is very sensitive and I do think that, you know, really Clay, I think youíre being cruel now. Iím sorry, I donít usually defend Nicholas, but on this particular occasion, I think weíve got to...

CF: Youíll get a point for almost anything!

NP: Have you actually had a change of life or something Derek?

DN: Well if you donít want me to be nice to you. Iíll just revert to my usual self. I did think that was a bit nasty. Hitting you over the head with a gramophone record!

NP: I thought it was a rather lovely image. I saw all the pieces splintering and as this was a fictitious record...

DN: All right, heís got such a thick skull, nothing comes through to him, does it?

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: It doesnít take them long to revert to, to the normal, does it?

DN: Itís the last time Iíll be nice to you! I can tell you that much!

NP: Iíll tell you what, we give Derek a bonus point for a very good challenge...

CF: That was all he was after, the creep!

NP: Thatís all theyíre ever after!

CF: Give him the subject!

NP: No you get also a point...

CF: No, no!

NP: And you continue Clement on records I would like to break, 42 seconds starting now.

CF: Almost everything in the Guinness Book of Records, from page one, right down to the end which is called four hundred and twenty-eight in a good year. There are records that I would quite like to break. Making omelettes within half an hour using no eggs is the sort of useful record which...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, I mean heís talking of making omelettes with no eggs. Itís ridiculous. The whole point of an omelette is you have to have an egg!

NP: Yes so...

KW: Itís silly, isnít it, you wouldnít make a record because you couldnít establish a record. You wouldnít make an omelette at all, would you! I mean itís ridiculous!

NP: Kenneth you take over the subject then and there are 24 seconds left, records I would like to break starting now.

KW: I would like to break that record with that actor who got up on the stage and did this long sentence. Do you remember, Nimmo? Do you recall the occasion when that long sentence was said...

BUZZ

NP: John...

KW: ... and they all said afterwards that they didnít know how she got through it. Do you remember?

NP: No he obviously doesnít!

DN: No!

NP: So John Junkin did challenge.

JJ: He said long sentence twice.

NP: Yes he did, he said it three times actually! But John youíve got in and there are 14 seconds to go on records I would like to break starting now.

JJ: The record...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: No! And to a guest as well! John you continue...

JJ: Am I not allowed to breathe in?

NP: Youíre not allowed to do a lot of things in this game...

JJ: Apparently not!

NP: ... if they can get away it. But theyíre not going to John, you still keep the subject, there are 13 and a half seconds starting now.

JJ: The records that I would most like to break myself are those in the sporting field. Such as the one hundred metres dash, the two hundred and 20...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Hundred. And metres was just coming up.

NP: Yes.

JJ: Ah I didnít repeat it.

CF: And I need the point!

NP: You do yes. Youíre challenging for repetition of metres? It was coming up but he hadnít actually said it. So...

CF: One hundred and then two hundred, that...

NP: Oh Iím sorry, yes, thatís a repetition.

JJ: I said two hundred and 20.

CF: No!

NP: No, Clement there is one second left for records I would like to break starting now.

CF: Marathon...

WHISTLE

NP: So we have come to the end of this game of Just A Minute. And itís a very interesting result because as usual they all gave their normal good value to the contest. John Junkin, being our guest has a tougher problem than the others. He finished in fourth place, but only one point behind Kenneth Williams. And he was only three or four points behind our joint winners, what a very fair result! Derek Nimmo with Clement Freud! We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when we take to the air and play the game. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.