ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard weíre delighted to welcome back Sheila Hancock, who very graciously and kindly comes along to try and compete with these three unruly regulars. So Sheila welcome to the show. And once again along with the other three Iím going to ask you to speak if you can for Just A Minute on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams and Kenneth the subject is fruit. So can you tell us something about fruit in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Itís used jocularly very often. People cry out ďhello, me old fruit!Ē And if asked for a favourite delectation, I would plump for the cumquat. It has a delightful taste, and the rind being at the inside being sweet provides a delightful, paradoxical if you will...


NP: Ah Sheila Hancock challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of delightful.

NP: Yes! You said delightful twice Kenneth. So Sheila Hancock whoís very sharp at this game has got in very rapidly...

KW: Mmmm! Yes! Miss Sharp, straight out of the knife box! Mmmm!

NP: And there are 41 seconds for you, having got a point for a correct challenge Sheila, to take over the subject of fruit starting now.

SH: The best fruit Iíve ever tasted was when I went, luckily, to a holiday in Bali. Where you have the most exotic, subtle, tasting things that youíve ever seen in all your life. And the colours, are mellow greens, bright reds, vivid oranges, livid yellows. And the tastes leave a...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Yes she really was running...

SH: It was a kind of elongation...

DN: Yes!

SH: ... more than a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was an elongated clever subtle ploy to keep yourself going...

SH: Because I didnít know what the hell to say next!

NP: I donít think you quite achieved it Sheila! There are 18 and a half seconds left Derek, for you to take over the subject of fruit starting now.

DN: Sheikh Rachid of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates has built the most magnificent fruit gardens. And you get into a motorised dow and along the railway track you travel through vast pineapples, bananas, grapes, pears and so on...


NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He said you travel through vast pineapples!

DN: Yes! You do!

KW: Well Iíve never seen anyone travelling through a pineapple!

DN: You do! You do!

KW: How could you get inside a pineapple and travel? The whole thing is ridiculous! You might mean pineapple plantation...

DN: No!

KW: ... You might well...

NP: The point is, Derek, Derek, can you explain how you actually travel through a pineapple?

DN: There are 20 foot high pineapples and you travel through them on this little dow.

KW: Youíre joking!

PETER JONES: Yeah but you said you travel through grapes as well! You canít have a 10 foot grape!

DN: You can!

PJ: No wonder thereís trouble in the Middle East!

NP: Derek, I think youíve made your point, you can travel through, out in the east, through this huge cut-out pineapple. So you keep the subject, with four seconds to go and a point for a wrong challenge starting now.

DN: PG Wodehouse said ďwhatho old fruit!Ē very frequently in his books and...



NP: Peter Jones challenged just before the second.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: What of?

PJ: PG Wodehouse was repeating this er thing, he said he said it many times in his books!

NP: I mean itís a repetitious thought but he wasnít actually repeating any of the words in Just A Minute which are the rules Peter. Which as youíve only been with us for about 14 years might be very difficult for you.

PJ: Ah yes yes, well Iím trying to get the hang of it!

NP: Ah yes right so Peter, letís give Peter a nice point for that because we enjoyed the challenge. Derek gets one for a wrong challenge and you have half a second Derek to continue on fruit starting now.

DN: One type...


NP: So ah when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Derek Nimmo who naturally has the lead at the end of that round. He seems to have some spare fruit on him at the present moment! If you wondered what that unsolicited laugh was, listeners, it was Derek Nimmo spilling water all over himself! Heíll do anything to get the audience reaction. Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin, the subject is rocking chairs. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

PJ: I like rocking chairs. I have several at home. What a marvellous invention they were. I suppose perhaps they may have arrived by accident because the first person who ever made a chair of any kind, it was probably wobbly because the legs werenít quite even. We have several of those at our...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Several, repetition of several.

NP: Yes there was more than one several, Iím sorry Peter.

PJ: Yes there was yes.

NP: Yes so Derek has another point and the subject of rocking chairs and there are 44 seconds starting now.

DN: Often on a midsummer afternoon I climb into my rocking chair, on the veranda, snuggle up and watch the sun go down behind the distant mountains. Smoking a while my briar pipe, in which I have decomposing compost. But the rocking chair is a lovely creation, as Mister Peter Jones, so wisely put it. Somehow it induces within one the feeling of tranquility. And so I think thatís probably why that awfully clever comedian often sits in one, those things I think as well....


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Oh no, I thought he said awfully twice.

PJ: He did.

SH: No, he said awfully and often. It sounded the same coming from him, but it isnít!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Itís this new Dubai accent heís picked up which is very confusing! So solly Sheila... solly Sheila? Um he didnít actually so Derek you continue with 11 seconds on rocking chairs starting now.

DN: Wilberforce Jones invented a kind of rocking chair...


NP: Ah Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Jones.

DN: (laughs) Absolutely true! Yes!

NP: Right so Peter you have seven seconds, no, eight seconds on rocking chairs starting now.

PJ: Yes well Iíve sat many an hour in a rocking chair...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of sat.

NP: Youíve sat before Iím afraid Peter.

PJ: Did I?

NP: Yes you did, when...

PJ: I donít remember that!

NP: I know but I have to remember otherwise they castigate me! There are five and a half seconds from Derek on rocking chairs starting now.

DN: And sometimes I push them up and down so rapidly, they spin right over, head over heels and fall over on to an open...


NP: Derek Nimmoís got quite a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went so he has increased his lead. And he also begins the next round and the subject is shooting stars. Will you tell us something about those in the game Derek starting now.

DN: Shooting stars are of course meteors that go through the night sky with a great luminous light before they hit the earth. In times past they were often equated with comets as a sign of impending disaster. When one saw a shooting star, one was filled with fear, because you thought some tremendous calamity was about to take place. I think one was seen before the death...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he keeps talking about one.

NP: Yes heís had actually four ones.

PJ: Yes, four ones which make four!

NP: So er Peter I agree with your challenge...

PJ: Thank you very much, thank you.

NP: And there are, there are 34 seconds for you to take over the subject of shooting stars starting now.

PJ: Actually itís an electronic game that Iíve invented. You can play it with your television set. And you aim a plastic gun...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Almost but not quite! Peter you keep the subject and there are 26 seconds on shooting stars starting now.

PJ: Pulling the trigger when you see a particular celebrity you dislike intensely! And this game I think has got an enormous future...


NP: What a pity! Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of game.

NP: Yes you did say game before when...

PJ: Oh yes, well, I...

NP: We were wondering all the stars that you were going to be put up for shooting down.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Um Derek has got the subject back and there are 18 seconds on shooting stars starting now.

DN: I think probably I would like to shoot Oliver Reed more than most stars because he does seem to be particularly tiresome. If Nicholas Parsons were one, I think I would also fire at him. But sadly of course he will never be one of these great luminaries. But as they say...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said one twice again so thatís six altogether!

NP: After what heís just said, Iíd give it against him anyway!

PJ: Well I know! Itís like Princess Anne on the show!


NP: Peter youíve got in with three seconds to go on shooting stars starting now.

PJ: Shooting stars could be a blood sport...


NP: So Peter Jones kept going till the whistle went, gained that extra point as well as others in the round, and he is creeping up on our leader. Heís only three points behind Derek Nimmo, but quite a few ahead of Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams. Sheila your turn to begin and the subject is the problem I had last week, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well I suppose the biggest problem I had last week was my indigestion. (starts to laugh) I woke up one morning with this terrible pain across my stomach... (breaks down in laughter)


NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

SH: (barely able to speak for laughter) I just...

DN: Interference!


SH: (still laughing) No, it was me! I just suddenly thought what will happen if Kenneth gets this subject? Knowing the things Iíve heard him say in private about indigestion!

NP: Yes!

SH: Itís in the interests of the public that you let me keep this subject for a long time!


SH: (still laughing) It really is! No, I just got the giggles!

NP: I know you did...

SH: The subject made me get the giggles... (still crying with laughter)

PJ: What made you laugh in the middle of this harrowing story?

NP: She was laughing, listen, Sheila talked about ...

SH: (still barely able to get words out for laughing) It was Kenneth and I used to, when I was a show with Kenneth and I, we used to have endless jokes about indigestion which he was always getting. And I suddenly remembered.... (breaks down in laughter again)

NP: Sheila, save it for the show because Iím going to let you continue.

SH: (still crying with laughter) Oh all right.

NP: Right so Sheila still has the subject, I donít know how. But there are 47 seconds on the problem I had last week starting now.

SH: Well I woke up in the morning and I felt this tummy... (breaks down in uncontrollable laughter)


NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: It must be hesitation or something, mustnít it?

NP: I think it must be something.

DN: General collapse really.

NP: General collapse. I think youíll have to take it over whatever happens Derek, because I donít think she could continue with her interference. There are 43 seconds for you Derek, the problem I had last week starting now.

DN: Oh the problem I had last week was trying to get to Just A Minute. Because I happened to be in Bahrain and then tr... flew from there...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: And then tra, flew.

NP: Yes, hesitation, right Kenneth, you have this problem now...


NP: Twenty-seven seconds on the problem I had last week starting now.

KW: The problem I had last week is one of the reasons why Miss Hancock was laughing, because I have it frequently and it was to do with eruptation. That is to say the emission of air which can come from either end...


KW: ... of the body. This has often caused a lot of amusement for the lady I mentioned before. Because in the middle of a certain scene we were playing one day, there was emitted a noise. And this resulted in her saying to me ďI think the front row heard that!Ē And I must say the scene did suffer...


NP: So we had the story at last from Kenneth and not from Sheila. So Kenneth you kept going until the whistle went, you got that extra point for doing so...

KW: Which means Iím in the lead!

NP: Still in last place, Iím afraid! What a, what does it matter when you give such value to the show!

KW: Well youíre very charming, I must say!

NP: Youíre equal with Sheila Hancock in third place, trailing a little behind Peter Jones, and quite a bit behind Derek Nimmo. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the subject is trying. Something you never do in this game, and something you never are as well. But would you talk on it for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

KW: Itís interesting that I should have been given the subject of trying. Because Iíve attended the Old Bailey very regularly. At one point I was a devotee in the Upper Gallery, and later on I had the honour, if you will, of being given a corporation seat which is something of a privilege. And to watch those gentlemen, bewigged and gowned, trying their cases, with the kind of meticulous attention, even saying ďjust a moment, I didnít quite hear that sentenceĒ, and writing everything in longhand, intrigued me. And I remember saying to the constable at the public entrance ďwhat court has got the best one? I donít want all that summing up, Iím only interested in cross-examinationĒ. Thatís where you get the thrust of the barrister and the question that might trap the witnesses...


NP: So that hasnít happened for a while, someone starting with the subject, and 60 seconds later still having it, not having been interrupted because he didnít commit any of the faults of the game. So Kenneth you get a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus for not being interrupted. And you are still in third place but you are ahead of Sheila Hancock whoís now gone into fourth place alas. But you are catching up on Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject, overemotional women. Would you like to talk on that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well itís a sexist impression. Itís more often than not used by under-emotional men to describe perfectly normal human beings. I think probably Sheila will agree with me on this point. There is a tremendous prejudice against ladies in business affairs and in high places in our finance houses for instance and huge er inter...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so unfortunately.

DN: Oh! (laughs)

NP: So there are... well you have to judge. Last time I gave Peter the benefit of the doubt. This time Iíve given it to you...

PJ: Itís quite, itís quite arbitrary really! I mean itís nothing to do with whether oneís actually hesitated. But Iím quite prepared, to er you know, take part in the lottery!


NP: Well said Peter! There are 29 seconds with you Derek on overemotional women starting now.

DN: Maggie May...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Undoubtedly yes! You have the subject...

DN: (laughs) You were rather lucky in the lottery that time!

NP: You have the subject of overemotional women and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

KW: I went with an overemotional woman on board, and this is fact, a Chemyss Apollo. And she inquired of a sailor who was an engineer on board the aforementioned ship...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: She was on board twice.

NP: She was on board twice.

KW: Well youíre a fool to yourself! Youíve just done yourself out of a very interesting story! Thatís whatís happened! Youíre a fool to yourself, Nimmo, you see!

NP: Repetition of fool to yourself, but Nimmo...

KW: Youíre a fool to yourself every time!

NP: There was no lottery there, you definitely have the subject, there are 14 seconds on overemotional women starting now.

DN: She grabbed him in her arms and smothered him with red-hot passionate kisses, and he fell on the floor and she rushed on top of him and tore at his hair. He screamed with submission...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well heís describing something which might well be, you know, in the realms of passionate love scenes. But itís nothing to do with overemotional women.

NP: She doesnít sound as though she was under-emotional!

KW: She was getting on top of a man and tearing his hair out! Thatís nothing to do with emotional women.

NP: Thereís no emotion involved in that?

KW: No, but obviously sheís a pugilist or...

PJ: Well sheís not frigid! Thatís for sure!


NP: (barely able to speak for laughing) I agree with...

PJ: Red-hot kisses! Go on! I was getting quite excited! I donít want you to stop now halfway through!

NP: Well heís only got four seconds to tell us of what happened after that and you start now.

DN: And I grabbed hold of this man and said ďgo away! Leave this damsel in distress...Ē


NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking again as the whistle went and has increased his lead. And Derek, your turn to begin, the subject, tramps. Can you tell us something about them in the game starting now.

DN: The glory of the merchant fleet, those dear little tramps steamers that we see going round the coast of England, often unheralded and indeed unsung. But one remembers John Masefieldís dear poem which Kenneth, I know, knows so well. ďDirty British coaster with a salt-caked smokestack, butting through the Channel in the mad March days with a cargo of Tyne coal, road-rail, pig-lead, firewood, ironware, and cheap tin trays.Ē How evocative it is, the wonderful alliteration at the end, which describes that dear little tramp...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of dear.

NP: Yes you talked about the dear little poem, the dear little tramp. And now there are 22 seconds for Peter to take over the subject of tramps starting now.

PJ: Well when I was a small boy, we lived literally very near the workhouse. And tramps used to go past the house and occasionally drop in and ask for a cup of tea or a bit of bread and butter. And I was quite er...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I was quite er.

NP: Quite er, yes Kenneth, you have eight and a half seconds to tell us something about tramps starting now.

KW: It springs to mind the tramp who rushed up to the very well-dressed gentleman and said ďI havenít eaten for three days!Ē And the man said ďwell you must force yourself!Ē


NP: Well Kenneth speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point as well as others. And now he is equal in second place with Peter Jones, behind Derek Nimmo, and ahead of Sheila Hancock. And Sheila your turn to begin. The subject Sheila, is winkles. After your indigestion theyíve given you winkles. Donít go well together, but will you talk on the subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

SH: Well I have very happy memories of winkles. When I lived in Kingís Cross, it was our Sunday treat to put on our best dresses, my sister and I, over which we always wore a special apron. And we used to go to the local corner and there was a man with a lovely barrow and he used to sell winkles and shrimps. And I remember they were sold in pint or two pint mugs...


NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

SH: Ah!

NP: You rotten thing!

DN: Three pints!

NP: Yes there were too many pints, werenít there? Derek, 37 seconds on winkles starting now.

DN: I remember getting a pair of shoes which were called winkle-pickers. And they had very sharp points. And I was a tremendously natty dancer in those days. Wonderfully good at the military two-step and the parry-glide, and all sorts of lovely movements...


DN: Whatís the matter?

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Iím afraid this is deviation. The subject is winkles, now weíre on to shoes. And the shoes are not even called winkles, theyíre called winkle-pickers, and the subject is winkles. I donít think that he can get away from this being deviation.

NP: No, heíd got away from winkles, on to his prowess as a dancer.

KW: Precisely!

NP: I agree yes.

KW: Precisely!

NP: That was more concisely put, wasnít it.

KW: What a very good chairman weíve got this week!

NP: Not the one they usually have, obviously! Kenneth you have 24 and a half seconds to tell us something about winkles starting now.

KW: I was brought up with a Cockney atmosphere and they used to cry out ďwhen youíre eating winkles, and the pins are few, smack Ďem with a hammer like the big toffs do!Ē And we enjoys these sort of songs around the...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I donít think so, no. Continue Kenneth please on...

PJ: The words didnít come readily to his lips, did it.

NP: No, but sometimes they donít but he didnít pause long enough to be penalised. There are...

PJ: He prac.... he stopped long enough for me to press the buzzer!

NP: Kenneth I disagree with the challenge, you keep going if you can for 11 and a half seconds on winkles starting now.

KW: My father always used a needle to get them out, and wouldnít consume any until heíd got a great pile in front of him. Which always annoyed me because I felt...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Two always.

NP: Yes Iím sorry Kenneth. Sheilaís got in with two seconds to go on the subject of winkles starting now.

SH: Then you put them on a piece of white...


NP: So Sheila got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, but alas, sheís still in fourth place, but not so far behind Peter Jones now, and Kenneth Williams who will begin the next round. Kenneth the subject is gin. Can you tell us something about that in the game...


NP: He pulled an awful face which made the audience laugh, but heís going to try and keep going if he can starting now.

KW: When I came out of the Army, I remember thinking it was terribly smart to go into restaurants and say ďI want an aperitif, a ginĒ in Italian. If you felt particularly pretentious, you sometimes said ďginĒ in French. I never understood what these references to foreign countries really meant and then someone enlightened me and said ďitís gin with a vermouth hailing from those countriesĒ. I said ďI see and why in the middle of this gin is a cherry plopped? Invitingly, admittedly! What does it have to do...?Ē ďAhhh,Ē they said, ďitís to give a special flavour to it. You see, gin is made from the juniper berry.Ē I said ďIíve no idea!Ē Because you know, Iíve always thought it was the sort of thing like...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well gin isnít made with the juniper berry, the juniper berry is used to flavour it! You can make gin out of practically anything! And they do!

NP: Certainly they do, but they also make it from juniper berries.

PJ: You think so?

NP: Yes, not just flavouring with it. That is the usual standard gin that we drink is...

DN: Out of juniper berries?

NP: Yeah.

DN: Oh really?

KW: Have you ever heard of slow gin, you great fool! Have you heard of that!

PJ: Yes, thatís flavouring! Thatís flavouring! Well you donít see many juniper berries in this country. I suppose they must get them, the giant ones, from the places that he was talking about!

KW: Yes he goes travelling through Ďem, he does!

PJ: Yes!

KW: He goes right through Ďem, he goes right through them, the juniper berries in Dubai!

NP: Um actually um, you, you have a point actually and I...

KW: Have I got the subject?

PJ: I have a point?

NP: Yes...

PJ: Well I wanted a point! Thatís why I pressed the buzzer!

KW: You havenít got a point so shut up!

PJ: Oh talking about gin...

NP: Kenneth would you like to keep going, Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt and you keep going for 13 seconds on gin starting now.

KW: And on one occasion, drinking a gin next to a rather large lady, I said ďare you having another?Ē And she said ďno, itís just the way my coatís done up?Ē



DN: Very good!

NP: Oh weíre going to take some time to recover from that one! So Kenneth yes, keeping going till the whistle went, you got another point as well as others...

KW: So Iím in the lead! Yes! Go on! Go on!

NP: No, second place!

KW: Oh!

SH: Good Lord, he seems to have got an awful lot of points and not got anywhere!

NP: Listen...

KW: I know! Itís the same every week!

NP: I will tell you...

KW: I donít get anywhere!

NP: You do, you got very far. People have won with as many points as youíve got now. Eleven! But this wretch over here went sailing ahead right at the start...

DN: (laughs) Why am I a wretch?

NP: Yes you are a wretch, you know you are, Derek Nimmo.

KW: Oh I donít like to see discord! We should all be happy and gay!

PJ: Nicholas...


NP: Iíll be happy...

PJ: No er... Nicholas...

NP: Iíll settle for being happy, someone else can take over the other adjective!

PJ: Nicholas is prejudiced because he thinks youíre a naturalised Arab!

NP: He looks like one tonight in that gear heís got on! Yes!

PJ: He does! Heís just come from Dubai, you know!

NP: Yes!

PJ: Where the big fruits come from!

NP: Well thatís the first time that I managed to get Derek Nimmo going after having been rude to me. But there we are! So thereís always a first for everything. Thank you very much Derek and you were certainly overemotional there and you were going right through the pineapple and the audience loved it! Sheila, it was lovely having you as a guest. But with these three experienced exponents of the game, Iím afraid you finished up in third place. But you were only one point behind Peter Jones. You were three points behind Kenneth, no, five points behind Kenneth Williams who was in second place. But they didnít quite catch up that extrovert exponent of the game who I accidentally called a wretch in the most affectionate terms! But he didnít like it because heís very sensitive is Derek Nimmo. But our sensitive Derek is the winner this week! So congratulations. You can stop clapping now actually because I just want to say congratulations to all of them for what they contributed to the show. We hope that you have enjoyed it in the audience, and we particularly hope that the listeners at home have enjoyed and will want to tune in the same time next week when once again we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.