JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,TRice
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and TIM RICE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 April 1981)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Tim Rice in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you heard we welcome back Tim Rice to play the game with our three regulars. And theyíre all going to try and speak, not together I hope, ah, they often might of course, on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, the subject is bliss. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Well, bliss is a state of mind, which its much much easier to attain if you have a host of sympathetic friends, and a fairly large bank account and are in superb physical condition, have a happy disposition, and are generally speaking ready to ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: A bit of hesitation I think.

NP: Yes...

PJ: Yes I hesitated, yes.

NP: ... the bliss was slowly dripping away from him, wasnít it. Kenneth I agree with your challenge, so you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject, and there are 37 and a half seconds starting now.

KW: The music of bliss has filled me with insatiable desire! I canít tell you! Itís transported me! On the other hand, we all have to agree that bliss in terms of humanity is hardly ever realised, because like retrospective things, you see, you only know when youíve done it. When youíve gone past it, do you see its value in terms of human happiness and the condition in which we are so continually placed, that of extreme adversity. And few things come along to alleviate our sufferings. And therefore bliss will remain heavenly, not attainable here upon this earth...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. It was Kenneth Williams. And at the end of that round, the only person to have scored any points is Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth weíd like you to begin the second round. The subject chosen for you is making myself perfectly clear. Well youíve given us one example of that but now would you talk on the subject starting now.

KW: I make myself perfectly clear in France...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Could you say that again?

KW: Whatís this about?

NP: Well it was a joke, actually, I think. Asking you to...

KW: Oh I see! Did you get it?

NP: Making yourself perfectly clear...

TIM RICE: (laughs) Iíve just got it!

NP: Yes!

TR: Very good! Very good!

NP: Some of the audience are just getting it too! Itís going round very slowly but ah... Kenneth I disagree with the challenge altogether so you have another point. Youíre still the only person with any points in this game! Which is most unusual! And there are 57 and a half seconds, making myself perfectly clear starting now.

KW: I make myself perfectly clear in my hotels...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Definite hesitation on the word perfectly.

NP: No. There wasnít, he was trying to do it in a very strange way. Heís got another point and there are 55 seconds left starting now.

KW: When I say to my French friends ďcomment allez vous, vous avec le...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Two vouses!

NP: Yes!

TR: He said comon tellez vous and then vous.

NP: Vous avec.

KW: Ah but vous avec is different from the sound of vous because itís got an S on the end, isnít it.

NP: Well theyíve both got an S on the end but you pronounce one as voo and the other one as voose.

KW: Oh I see.

NP: You tried to ah deceive us but um, I think Timís challenge is justified. Tim Rice you have the subject, there are 48 seconds on making myself perfectly clear starting now.

TR: It is not often appreciated how important the order of words is if you wish to make yourself perfectly clear. For example, if I said, making perfectly myself clear, or perfectly clear myself making, or even perfectly clear making myself, it would not be quite as crystally obvious what I was going on about as if I was saying what is on the card. And I am therefore allowed to say it as often as I like, making myself perfectly clear. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear on this subject. If I have not made myself perfectly clear, then I invite listeners to write in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Seventeen Is!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: In view of his manipulation of the rules, I think itís only fair to give it to Clement Freud and say please take over the subject with 17 seconds, making myself perfectly clear starting now.

CF: Making myself perfectly clear is the lunacy of elucidating people as to your intentions...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: ... or even of sitting next to Kenneth Williams who is trying to make himself far less clear than anybody would have believed...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, got the extra point that time. And he is now in second place, ahead of Tim Rice, behind our leader Kenneth Williams, and for those of you at home who listen without cosmic eyes and wondered what the laughter was when Clement was being serious, it was because Kenneth was up to his tricks again, sitting next to him and he is still doing it now about me. Tim Rice will you take the next subject, it is comics, will you tell us something about those in a minute starting now.

TR: Yes I will take the next subject which happens to be comics. That word conjures up a beautiful childhood. I remember Beano, Dandy, Eagle, Mickey Mouse. Some of the characters in that third periodical I mentioned included Dan Dare and his faithful batman, Digby, who travelled across space, through the solar system past Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Pluto, and all the satellites of that sixth planet out from the Sun, Mimisinteridos...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of planets.

NP: Yes, you did say past the planets the first time, yes. Clement you continue with 37, sorry, 32 and a half seconds on comics starting now.

CF: The four Marys are a quartet of disadvantaged girls if you can believe the paintings or pictures which are depicted in the pages of that particular comic. And Miss Rarley is actually my favourite, because she is five foot two, has black hair, blazing blue eyes, and believes the headmistress, Mrs Gull, or Doctor of that name, is more evil than she actually is...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud, in spite of being nobbled again by Kenneth Williams, managed to keep going until the whistle went, gained an extra point and has now taken the lead ahead of Kenneth. And Clement, your turn to begin, the subject, creatures from the deep. Will you tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The four Marys in Bunty are as close to creatures of the deep as I ever hope to find. This childrenís magazine belongs to a type of subspecies seldom seen in real life. Everything that occurs in the stories penned by the authors make one believe that nothing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I donít think this has any relationship to, to...

NP: No! Heís deviated, heís on to publishing and got ah well away from the creatures of the deep, even though he tried to make a connection at the beginning. There are 25 seconds for that subject with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: One of the creatures from the deep that interests me is the whale which uses pilot fish to guide him through...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Whales hang around on the top, donít they? They donít go that far down.

CF: Sharks.

TR: What?

NP: Hang around on top?

KW: Donít interrupt! They are creatures of the deep! What are you talking about? Hang about? They donít hang about!

NP: They do hang about on the top but they also go down you know.

KW: What a cheek!

TR: But they donít go that far down, do they?

NP: Well I think the deep can be referred to, you donít mean the deepest part of the deep. I mean often you refer to the sea, no, I think that Kenneth, it was an unjustified challenge...

PJ: Well if you didnít mean the deep, youíd say the ocean, creatures of the ocean surely?

TR: Well said, well said!

NP: Some people refer to the ocean as the deep. I donít think colloquially he is deviating from the subject...

KW: Itís so irritating isnít it! Irritating!


NP: There are 18 seconds...

KW: Heís ruined my flow!

NP: ... with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The pilot fish that guide it, Iíve forgotten what I was talking about, now Iíve gone, Iíve gone right off!

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

KW: Iíve gone right off! Heís just ruined my flow! Iíve got no flow!

NP: Well you must bring her with you next week! Ah Tim your challenge?

TR: Well his flow dried up...

NP: Yes...

TR: ... and I reckon that was a hesitation.

NP: Thatís what often happens in this game. Somebodyís interrupted and then the same person gets in because they canít get started again. So Tim you take over the subject, there are 13 seconds left, creatures from the deep starting now.

TR: I was once given a long...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He always starts off ďI was onceĒ. I was once, I was that.

NP: All right, he hasnít said it before in this particular round...

TR: Quite untrue!

NP: So heís all right, so he has a point, he keeps the subject, 12 seconds starting now.

TR: Having been handed a long tentacled fishy thing by a friend, I said ďwhatís this?Ē And he said ďitís the sick squid (six quid) I owe you.Ē Or something like that. Itís an extremely bad joke which I hope is relevant to the topic...

WHISTLE

NP: So the impact of his joke kept him going till the end and the audience as you all worked it out. The whistle went, he gained an extra point, and Tim Rice is in third place behind Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams has taken the lead again. And Peter Jones is now going to begin, the subject, package holidays. Sixty seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I wish there were, literally, package holidays. And by that I mean I would like to be put into a carton and boxed up and then lowered into the ah fuselage of an aeroplane or whatever you call it. And taken to some foreign parts where my holiday would begin. And then unwrapped carefully having had some kind of anaesthetic or tranquillising drug for the er course of the journey. And I think that would be very restful and would in fact be a real package holiday. Now the ones that I have er been on before have involved going to Vienna or Venice or somewhere usually beginning with V and ah um then... whatís the matter?

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

PJ: What? I thought perhaps the buzzers had failed!

NP: No, no! No, I think you were the one who failed actually Peter!

PJ: Yes I was, yes, youíre right, yes!

NP: It wasnít quite your scene, was it. You were very... Tim you challenged.

TR: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes I agree, there are 12 seconds, package holidays starting now.

TR: The last package holiday that a friend of mine went on, not me you note, was very unsuccessful in...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He didnít take you?

NP: A good try Peter but a wrong challenge.

PJ: No Iím sorry. I mean he knocked me, it seemed so funny.

NP: No, I donít know, the audience laughed. Seven seconds, package holidays Tim, starting now.

TR: For a start the shower didnít work in his bedroom. When he turned it on, sand came out which is very irritating if you have just come in from a hot, sweaty round of golf...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth will you begin the next round, and a historical one for you again. David Hume, the one who was born in 1711. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: An interesting aspect of his work is the cause and effect theory which he puts forward apropos what you necessarily see happening cannot be assumed to be happening if you do not bear testimony to the occurrence itself. Now an example would be the billiard ball hitting another and cannoning the balls off, you see, would be thought of as cause and effect because youíd say that ball hit that other ball and therefore...

BUZZ

NP: Tim has challenged.

KW: No, I said balls! The other one was all balls! Thatís what I said.

NP: Youíre making it a bit sound a bit like that! You did actually say, you did actually say ball three times.

KW: But it was trying to get the cause and effect thing showing. You see, the ball hitting the ball means that if you think the first ball caused it, it wouldnít necessarily be so if another ball hit a ball which you werenít see it doing it, would it.

NP: I entirely see what you meant. I donít know what the hell you are talking about! But I entirely see what you meant. So Tim I agree with your challenge, there are 29 seconds on David Hume, the one born in 1711, starting now.

TR: The David Hume I know about, born in 1711, was one of the first 18th century hang gliders and met a tragic end in 1746 when... over Essex...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so. Clement, 19 seconds on David Hume, 1711 starting now.

CF: David Hume born in seventeen hundred and eleven, was probably the first known atheist who was not punished for his beliefs. And...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice.

TR: What about Cain?

KW: Yes there was lots of them! Lots of examples, yes!

TR: I mean there was...

KW: Lots of examples, youíre quite right! Yes that was a very bad statement! It was a deviant statement! Deviant!

CF: When was Cain born?

TR: Ah...

NP: Before that.

TR: Before 1711.

CF: Oh no!

KW: Miles before, yes!

NP: Ten seconds with you Tim...

CF: Oh come on!

NP: ... on David Hume, born 1711...

KW: Yes he accepts it! The chairmanís ruling is always paramount and just! Lovely chairman!

NP: Starting now!

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree! So Clement you have the subject back on seven and a half seconds on David Hume, born in 1711 starting now

CF: To profess a lack of faith in the 18th century was in fact a very brave thing indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: It wasnít at all, lots of people were doing it!

NP: A lot of people were doing it, but to express that opinion which David Hume did, thatís what Clement was establishing actually. So he wasnít actually deviating from the...

KW: No, of course he was deviating! He was saying nobody dared...

NP: No, he never said nobody dared!

KW: It was some brave wonderful thing! Loads of people were doing it! It was such a joke about him, they actually called it Saint Davidís Street in which he lived. That was the joke, that was the whole point of it, it was received as a joke. Had it been what he said, they wouldnít have dared making jokes about it! It would have been so profane and ghastly but itís not! Awful!

NP: Well I hope you enjoyed that! And I hope you feel better for it too because I actually Clement, I donít feel was ah, um...

KW: You canít even say it, can you, you great fool!

NP: No! I know!

KW: A chairman? He ought to be in a bath chair, that chairman! Heís an invalid! They wheel him in here at night! They wheel him in! Before the show! They give him an injection before he starts! Queenís royal jelly, they give him! To get his adrenaline flowing! (laughs)

NP: Iím afraid the, the injection must be wearing off...

KW: Even Peter Jones has dropped off! Look!

NP: He has injections as well. So Clement, I donít think you were deviating from the subject. There are three seconds on David Hume, born in 1711 starting now.

CF: He was 16 years old when George the Second came to the throne...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud got the extra point, and others in that round, and at the end he is now in the lead alongside Tim Rice. But Kenneth Williams isnít far behind, Peter Jones is further! Tim itís your turn to begin, the subject is irritating motorists. Will you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: One of the best ways to irritate fellow motorists is to drive at exactly 70 miles an hour in the fast lane of the motorway, and wait till some twit, usually in a Ford Grenada, starts flashing you from behind. Move over into the next passage, the middle one, and speed ahead so he canít overtake you. And then go back into the aforementioned channel of this big large wide road which began being built in 1958. The M1 was the first one. I remember it well being opened by Harold Macmillan quite near my home town of St Albans. That is just one way of irritating your fellow motorists. There are other simple ways like just making...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: We had way twice.

NP: You had what twice?

KW: Way twice.

NP: Way, yes. One way and another way, yes well listened Kenneth, there are 25 seconds on irritating motorists starting now.

KW: One of the ways is to do what Stanley Unwin always says about tripping...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Ways, you had a lot of ways there.

NP: He said one way and he said ways, didnít he. Way and ways.

TR: Always.

CF: No!

TR: No?

NP: No, no, he didnít, no he didnít...

TR: I was just very fed up with his challenge to be honest!

NP: Yes!

TR: Once again...

PJ: Heís keeping, heís keeping Stanley Unwinís name before the public!

KW: You must never allow your emotions to get the better of you. You must stay always cool like I am! Iím always cool, you see! You must never allow yourself to get emotional or worked up in this kind of thing. You must stay absolutely cool!

TR: I donít like your shirt either, Kenneth!

KW: Thatís one thing I always say!

NP: Kenneth, you keep the subject, there are 21 seconds for irritating motorists starting now.

KW: You cry out to them ďtrip over to the ancient Greeshis barkus where the wax or Ulysses stopped it in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely, with a luxury flabberblock, Catherine of Arabold and Kane of AbelĒ. That will always...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Incoherent!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Thatís not one of the rules of the game! Donít clap him! Shut up! Donít clap him! That is not one of the rules of the game! Are you making a new rule that you have got to be coherent? Is that one of your rules? Is that one of your rules?

NP: Have you got a challenge that is within the rules of the game Peter?

PJ: Um...

KW: Well look at him! Look at him! Look at the brain! Look at him!

PJ: Itís deviation! Incoherence is another way of saving itís devious!

NP: Yes, he was being difficult!

PJ: I mean if he came over and...

NP: Heís talked, if you talk all gibberish in this game, I mean how do you judge on hesitation, repetition and deviation?

PJ: Yes but I mean if...

NP: I think what we do is we give Peter Jones a point for a good challenge on incoherence. But we leave the subject with Kenneth Williams because...

PJ: Well that isnít fair! Thatís not reasonable! You see there are things that are not that you still would not allow! For instance, Kenneth might walk over to you and hit you over the head with the milk, with the ah, water jug. And you wouldnít allow that, Iím sure, if you could avoid it!

NP: Well I would still be able to allow it in the game...

PJ: No, you wouldnít, youíd be unconscious! Even more than what you are now!

NP: He might have been deviating from logic but then we often do in this game. So letís leave it with him but if he goes on for much longer like that, then I will have to go against him. Kenneth you have 11 seconds for irritating motorists starting now.

KW: You take a balloon and put into it, having blown a considerable...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Heís now coherent!

NP: He was always coherent but didnít make that much sense!

CF: He was talking gibberish!

NP: Kenneth you have another point and seven seconds on irritating motorists starting now.

KW: When the aforementioned balloon has reached...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of balloon.

NP: Yes! Clement youíve got in with three seconds on irritating motorists starting now.

CF: Jumping up and down with your clothes on is very likely...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud, getting in just before the whistle, gained an extra point and has just taken the lead. But heís only one point ahead of the person in second place now who is Kenneth Williams and heís only one ahead of Tim Rice. So a keen contest, and Clement your turn to begin, and the subject is what more people should do. An interesting subject and can you try and talk on it starting now.

CF: What more people should do is cheer Kenneth Williams, who looks desperately sad and unhappy and miserable and bored and asleep and winds me up whenever I start talking. And if only more people would remember that he is a decent sort of chap who produces plays which occasionally run...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is devious because heís deviating from the subject, because the subject is what more people should do and this is all about me. So itís not about more people is it. Itís not a general attitude any longer, itís become a particular.

CF: No!

NP: Itís become a particular but heís still saying what more people should do...

KW: Thatís right, so he is deviating from the subject on the card which is what more people should do, what more people, more people, isnít it. Not, not

NP: The subject says what more people should do, and I think this is a very delicate decision to make...

KW: Mmmmm, well it will take a lot...

NP: ... so once again I will appeal to our audience. If you think that er Kennethís challenge is correct and we should stick to just more people should do, and not make it personalised as Clement, then you cheer for Kenneth. And you boo for Clement and you all do it together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know why I ever bother to put it to the audience when Kennethís involved! Because they always come out on your side Kenneth! So you have another point, you take the lead alongside Clement Freud, you have the subject, what more people should do starting now.

KW: What more people should do is to become altruistic and be cup... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

KW: What I mean to say is people should become altruistic, thatís what I meant to say, be more altruistic.

NP: Yes.

KW: Thatís what I mean, I think they should become more altruistic. In losing themselves in the problems of others, they will find the salvation that they need. Thatís what more people should do. Thatís what I was trying to say, do you see my point.

NP: Yes.


KW: Do you see my point? Iím very anxious to get that out. I think itís terribly important to get that out, you know what I mean.

NP: You get so much out on Just A Minute...

KW: Yes youíve got to, let it all out, you see!

NP: So Peter Jones, good to hear from you again, and there are 34 seconds on what more people should do starting now.

PJ: I think more people should relax and take life easily, not rush to keep appointments and be subject to intense pressure ah, intense...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes. There was a definite er Iím afraid. Fourteen seconds for you Tim, on what more people should do starting now.

TR: I think more people should go walking. There are so many beautiful counties in England through which people can stroll, for example, Derbyshire, there is an absolutely staggeringly impressive county...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of county.

NP: More counties, yes.

TR: I did say ci-enty the second time!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Um but didnít you say counties the first time?

TR: Um no...

PJ: Does it matter?

NP: Yes it does! Four seconds, what more people should do, Clement starting now.

CF: What more people should do is ride a bicycle and then they would be fitter and weller and better...

WHISTLE

NP: Well ah Clement Freud has taken the lead again at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams is still in second place, not far behind. Kenneth itís your turn to begin again, the subject is herbal remedies. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I viewed them with great scepticism. Until when a horrible protrusion appeared upon my thigh, a lady with whom I had really only a brief nodding acquaintance said ďwhy donít you try rubbing in root of marigoldĒ. I said ďdonít be ridiculous, Iíll go and get some antibiotics, everyone else does that.Ē She said ďI would ask you seriously to consider this treatment, because it has proved efficacious for me, in the past, every time anything remotely resembling a boil or a thimble of pustule has appeared upon my lovely frameĒ. I said ďoh well, I will have a go!Ē And within 24 hours, to my astonishment, it had gone down...

WHISTLE

NP: Well it does seem that when Kenneth thinks the end of the show is nigh, he takes the bit between his teeth and finishes in style! Because he was not interrupted throughout one minute so he gets the point for speaking as the whistle went, and an extra point for not being interrupted. Two points in that round Kenneth, and now to give you the final score. Peter Jones, adding his usual lustre to the occasion but not many points to his name. Tim Rice returning in triumph gained a lot of points. Didnít quite get ahead of Clement Freud. But Kenneth Williams stealing up from behind overtook them all and is this weekís winner!

KW: Oh joy! Joy! I do enjoy this!

NP: Well a popular win as you see, and if the Kenneth Williams fan club wants to come into the audience again, no doubt he will give the same value! But as I said we have little time left. So let me quickly say thank you very much for tuning in, we hope that you have enjoyed the show at home and will want to do the same thing again when we play Just A Minute. Good-bye from us all!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.