JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 May 1981)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back Aimi Macdonald, who, on her last appearance, wriggled out of some difficult positions and ticklish situations. If of course any of our audience had been there on that occasion, they would know what I was referring to. She has returned to do battle with our three intrepid regular exponents of the game and theyíre going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute, and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviation on the subject that I will give them. And we will begin the show this week with Clement Freud and the subject, Irish humour. Clement will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Well this tends to be rotten, snide, sectarian methods of making jokes at minority nations. Like for instance saying that an Irish submarine went down to see what it could find of the Titanic and managed to come up with an iceberg! I donít approve of that sort of thing at all. My favourite example of Irish humour is the Irish gentleman who went to a foreman on a building site and said ďI want a jobĒ. And this supervisor replied ďall you Irish are the same, you donít even know the difference between a joist and a girderĒ. To which the Irishman replied ďyes I do, Joyst wrote Ulysses, and Girder wrote Faustus!Ē

BUZZ

NP: And Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Well a hesitation, darling.

NP: Yeah, no, she very generously allowed you to go to the end of the joke because you had to repeat Joyce...

PETER JONES: And he repeated joke anyway.

AM: No, but darling, he just sat there waiting for his applause. I thought it was a bit much.

PJ: Quite!

NP: Aimi you have the subject and there are 13 seconds on Irish humour starting now.

AM: My favourite Irish joke is, this chap, you see, rings up his friend and he says ďis that Donegal two-two-two-two?Ē And the friend goes ďoh no, this is Donegal double-two-double-twoĒ. And the chap says ďwell thatís all right...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well um that was...

AM: But darling, can I finish it, itís very funny! Can I say the tag?

CF: If that is her favourite Irish joke, could we hear her least favourite now?

AM: Well let me just say it quickly. You see the chap says ďwell the phone was ringing anyway!Ē (laughs)

LAUGHTER FROM IAN MESSITER, PJ, AM, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: It isnít so much the jokes, itís the way she tells them, isnít it! Aimi Macdonald, in spite of repeating the word two 20 times was allowed to continue until the whistle was blown by Ian Messiter which tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment does get an extra point. Aimi Macdonald it was you, so at the end of that round you wonít be surprised to hear that youíre in the lead. In fact youíre the only person to have scored any points! A nice position for our guest to be in. Peter Jones, will you take the next subject and round. The subject is telling phrases. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I suppose itís difficult to talk about anything really, without telling a phrase or two in the process. So the mere fact of talking at all, whatever the subject might be, ranging far and wide, any sort of part of the globe that you care to discuss or describe, or any facet of human nature that may occur to you as youíre trying to keep going while ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well there was an erm.

PJ: Erm yes.

NP: Yes he didnít keep going, did he?

KW: Thatís right. Thatís right.

PJ: I realised it was so boring I was beginning to sound like you!

NP: Kenneth you have the subject and having got a point for a correct challenge, you take over telling phrases, there are 35 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well youíve got the stitch in time saves nine. The rolling stone gathering something which I donít think...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Well he didnít know what it was, did he?

KW: I hadnít finished the line, you great fool! You interrupted!

NP: Well...

AM: You stumbled over the line, darling!

KW: I didnít stumble at all!

AM: You did!

KW: I said ďgathering something whichĒ and you, you interrupted!

AM: Well itís not ďgathering somethingĒ!

KW: I said ďgathering something whichĒ.

NP: I think he was trying to recall what it was...

KW: What a great fool! I donít know why they have her! I donít know why they booked her!

NP: Yes...

KW: Sheís an illiterate! Sheís not educated even!

NP: No! Kenneth!

PJ: Actually it didnít gather anything. It gathered no moss.

AM: It gathered no moss!

KW: Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street you know!

NP: Yes!

KW: Yes! And Iíve had trouble with the ingrowing toenail! Iím in agony! Iím in absolute a-go-nee!

PJ: Nicholas I donít...

KW: You shut your row! You donít know nothing about it!

NP: I think a lot of people throughout the globe now know that Kenneth Williams comes a long way from Great Portland Street to take part in Just A Minute! In fact some of them have this image that thatís all you ever do! Um...

PJ: Heís put Great Portland Street on the map anyway!

NP: Yes! And the BBC is there and they didnít achieve it either! So Kenneth I disagree with your challenge though I also disagree...

KW: (shouting) I havenít made a challenge, you great fool! Heís an idiot too! I donít know where they get them from! Every week Iím subjected to this abuse!

NP: Kenneth you challenged Aimi Macdonald about...

KW: I did not challenge her! She challenged me you great fool!

AM: I challenged him darling!

KW: Didnít she!

NP: You accused her...

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Thank you! Thank you! At least they know whatís happening!

NP: You challenged her...

KW: Thank goodness weíve got an audience thatís sane!

LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: What are you talking about? I had the subject, I was wrongly challenged, now I should get it back!

NP: You never lost it!

KW: Oh!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh Iím sorry, I didnít know! I really didnít know!

NP: Who would be chairman...

KW: Well you were so aggressively at me, I thought you were anti. Iím sorry. Iím ever so sorry, I feel awful now. I do feel awful!

NP: Right well thatís a telling phrase. Kenneth Williams tell us a bit more about telling phrases in 27 and a half minutes starting now.

KW: One of the most telling phrases was used by our wartime leader when he said ďnever, in all the field of human conflict has so much... been owed by so many... to...Ē

BUZZí

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

KW: Look here! This is absolutely dreadful! I can never get under way! Oh what? Is that her again?

AM: Darling...

KW: Oh I donít know why they have her on this show! I really donít!

AM: Darling, repetition, darling. You did two sos. So so.

CF: He would have done two more if youíd given him the chance!

NP: Aimi, Aimi, we will give you the benefit of the doubt as you are a guest. I mean we donít usually challenge on so. But weíre going to give it to you as he did also hesitate, very, more than dramatically. And you have 17 seconds to tell us something about telling phrases starting now.

AM: A fat man once said to me ďthey donít put bay windows in small roomsĒ. Which I thought was a very telling phrase. Another one I like is ďhe travels fastest who travels alone...Ē

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: A couple of travels.

NP: There were a couple of travels there.

AM: No, one travel, and one travels.

KW: Oooohh!

NP: I think...

AM: No, sorry, no, no...

NP: No, no, you canít wriggle out of it that way sorry Aimi. Three and a half seconds...

PJ: It was interesting about the bay windows in the small room, I thought!

AM: You havenít got that, have you Peter?

PJ: No, Iím working on that now actually!

NP: And judging by the overwhelming reaction from the audience, I wouldnít exactly have called it a telling phrase. Clement, three and a half seconds on telling phrases starting now.

CF: It is a mark of insincerity of purpose...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Aimi Macdonald has...

CF: Can I go on, because itís quite a telling phrase?

KW: Yes! Go on!

NP: Yes!

CF: To seek an Emperor in a low-down tea shop.

KW: Oh!

NP: Yes! Oh yes!

CF: It goes better when the whistle doesnít blow in the middle!

NP: Yes! Right Kenneth weíve come to you to start and you are in second place, Aimi Macdonald is still in the lead. And thereís a lovely subject for you, how I keep so young. Will you tell us something about it in the game starting now.

KW: (in old slow voice) How I keep so young is because Iíve taken the advice of a well-known and brilliantly articulate cosmetician who once addressed us and said ďnow...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Um well heís cheating actually, isnít he? I mean...

NP: Well he never does anything else as far as Iím concerned! So as thatís not one of the rules of the game Aimi, he does continue with 42 seconds on how I keep so young starting now.

KW: (in old slow voice) How else would our doggies tell us apart if we didnít have BO? No, of course, you rub in your old witch hazel cream and that keeps it...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Well I mean witch hazel isnít cream, is it? Itís a liquid.

NP: No, itís not a liquid, love. Itís a cream, screen.

AM: Witch hazel?

NP: Well...

KW: (shouting) You can buy it in the shops, dear! Witch hazel cream, you can buy it! In any shop, you great fool!

AM: Mineís in a bottle, itís liquid!

KW: Not that youíd know anything about going and buying anything in a shop, would she!

AM: Peterís is liquid as well.

NP: No, no, it is, it is a liquid...

PJ: Mineís liquid actually, yes.

NP: Itís usually a liquid...

KW: I can show you a jar of it, dear! Iíve been using it for 10 years!

NP: Well thatís a special...

PJ: With very little effect!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh youíre very witty, you are, arenít you! Yes! Donít bite your tongue, you might get blood poisoning! Yes! Cheek!

NP: Right well weíve all had one against each other now, so let Aimi Macdonald take the subject of how I keep so young...

AM: Oh!

NP: Aimi there are 27 seconds for you to tell us how you look so gorgeous and young starting now.

AM: That is very simple actually. You see, what...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Iíd like to know why I have lost the subject!

NP: Because I agree with Aimiís challenge.

KW: What was the challenge?

NP: Iíve forgotten!

KW: Well you donít...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: I havenít!

KW: Itís disgraceful!

NP: I havenít actually forgotten but I think it was a justified challenge.

KW: It wasnít at all! I was talking about rubbing in witch hazel cream, that was challenged because she said it didnít existed!

NP: No...

KW: Now then! I am not going to lose this subject! Iím not going to have it! I havenít come here to be treated like a load of rubbish!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: You should give it to me in fairness!

NP: Kenneth, you didnít say ďrub in witch hazel creamĒ, you said ďrub in witch hazelĒ.

CF: No.

NP: No?

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: No.

NP: Right...

CF: Try that again.

KW: I said ďwitch hazel creamĒ.

NP: Well as he was speaking in such a peculiar way, I couldnít really hear what he was talking about. So ladies and gentlemen, I am always prepared to admit when I have made a mistake, I abase myself before you. We have a guest, and we must be courteous and considerate because sheís also a lady and we donít often have ladies on the programme.

KW: Oh you could have fooled me!

PJ: Not often enough!

NP: So we are...

KW: Get on with it!

NP: Itís difficult trying to explain why actually. Aimi Macdonald, you have the subject, it is how I keep so young, you have 24 seconds starting now.

AM: I know Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams donít really want ladies on the show, least of all me, but I think that they could be quite...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Not true!

NP: So what is your challenge?

CF: She lies! She may be a guest but she lies!

NP: You may have forgotten the programme...

CF: Which is deviation from the truth!

NP: No, you may have forgotten the programme when Aimi Macdonald was also a guest, in which you appeared as well. And you actually did say we donít want people, ladies on the programme so...

CF: Yes but I didnít say ďleast of all, Aimi MacdonaldĒ. I could...

NP: Thatís not what...

CF: I could mention half a dozen women I would sooner not have than Aimi Macdonald!

NP: Youíre not going to wriggle out of it that way, Clement Freud! Aimi Macdonald still has the subject, 16 seconds on how I keep so young Aimi starting now.

AM: However they will be most pleased to realise that I have got gems of information to give them on that subject. The easiest thing one can do really is every time you have a birthday, pretend itís the one before...

WHISTLE

NP: So Aimi Macdonald kept going until the whistle went, gained the all important extra point for doing so, gained other points in the round, and actually has a commanding lead at the end of the round. And weíre round with you to start Aimi, the subject is Saturn. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

AM: Saturn is a planet where a space ship passed through its rings, and you will be amazed to discover that it actually had more than three rings. It actually had about 200 rings...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

AM: I said 200 actuallys, didnít I?

NP: And a few too many rings as well!

PJ: Yes! Very...

NP: So Peter...

AM: I was trying to get it right, you see darling, because I know this is a gem of information.

NP: And you were helping to fill in, thatís marvellous...

AM: Well Kenneth Williams didnít know about it. I thought I would tell him.

NP: That is yet to be discovered whether he gets the subject. Peter Jones I agree with the challenge, you get the subject, there are 47 seconds, Saturn starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter Jones was nobbled by Aimi Macdonald then so he completely dried up! And so Clement Freud you have the subject of Saturn, 46 seconds, Clement, Saturn starting now.

CF: A man in Tunbridge Wells was told by his wife that some of the rings around Saturn had more something in them than others. I listened most carefully but didnít manage to pick up the full implication of his scientific research. Nevertheless I am awfully glad they gave him time in order to acquaint listeners with such intelligence of which he was capable. Saturn is one of the planets about which I know nothing at all...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he knows nothing so he canít say anything about it obviously!

CF: I wasnít doing too badly!

PJ: Well you were talking about, you were cribbing this material from the man in Tunbridge Wells.

NP: I must point out to you all that youíre deviating, the man actually lived in Congalton. So Clement you continue with 13 and a half seconds on Saturn starting now.

LONG PAUSE

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think youíre right actually. There are 11 and a half seconds on Saturn with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Do you realise that the planet Saturn is so far away from the Earth that a radio signal sent from it to this place weíre living on now would take an hour...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, at the end of the round, are in third place equal, one point behind Clement Freud. Our leader is still Aimi Macdonald and Clement Freud begins the next round, the subject, the meaning of my name. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: My name is Clement Freud, and it means me. Thatís really all I can think of for the moment. I have a middle name which Iíve never really been able to pronounce. Itís spelt R-A-P-H, and the first letter, the second one, is repeated, E-L. And there are those who say it is the third archangel, the first two being Gabriel and Michael. But Clement actually, which I have now repeated, um...

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Well as he said itís repeating...

NP: I know, wasnít he generous! Aimi you picked it up in a flash of light and you have the subject with 42 seconds on the meaning of my name starting now.

AM: Iím not really sure what my name means. Except, I suppose, the Macdonald bit of it means son of Donald or did at one time... Aimi...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! It...

AM: I was breathing, darling!

NP: I know and itís lovely!

AM: Because I said that all in one sentence and I was taking a breath.

NP: I know. I know but it was so slow you were actually beginning to hesitate, Aimi.

AM: I knew what I was going to say!

NP: Well I donít... (laughs) thatís no excuse you know! Kenneth I agree with the challenge, you have 27 seconds on the meaning of my name starting now.

KW: My name is derived from Kenneef which means comely prince, and...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: ... and Williams which is Norse for Wilhelm which means bright helmet. So there you have a very fine looking leader and a splendid piece of headgear. It suits me admirably because as many people have commented ďyou have this wonderful hair like spun goldĒ. And...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged with half a second to go.

AM: Well thatís not true, is it darling! Look at his hair! (laughs)

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughs) No, I would hardly describe it as spun gold!

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Awwwww!

NP: Awwwwww!

AM: Itís quite soft though.

NP: Yes! Um thereís half a second for you Aimi on the meaning of my name starting now.

AM: Aimi...

WHISTLE

NP: Aimi Macdonald, our guest, got more points in that round and has increased her lead. Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject, communication. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well itís concerned with getting messages from one person to another. One of the most difficult things that human beings have ever attempted to do. And so far theyíve been singularly unsuccessful. Because thereís so much... um...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi got in.

AM: Hesitation, um.

NP: Yes, Aimi will you tell us something about communication in 44 seconds starting now.

AM: What were we talking about before, that little planet called...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: What weíre talking about before is not the subject.

NP: All right!

AM: You donít know what I was going to say now though!

NP: She had, she hadnít linked it to communication because she had only been going for two and a half seconds.

KW: All right, itís up to you mate!

NP: Yeah! So Aimi, and she is a guest too, 42 seconds on communication starting now.

AM: If you want to communicate with Saturn, for example, you have to allow one and half hours to get your little message across. And then perhaps 90 minutes to get an answer back...

BUZZ

NP: (laughing) Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Wonít get an answer! Nobody there!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A well deserved point, letís give him two points for that, shall we? One of the remark, and one for the challenge, and the subject, communication Peter, starting now.

PJ: Yes well as I was saying it is extremely difficult, because thereís so much misunderstanding and generally human beings are so thick that they canít understand...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I think all of it. Hesitation, repetition of understanding.

PJ: Yes it was a tour de force really!

NP: Yes you should go on touring a bit longer, I think! Um Clement, I agree on that repetition and there are 17 seconds, communication starting now.

CF: Communication really is one of the most important things in life today. And if there was more communication between, for instance, the shop floor and management, employees and employers, even Government and Opposition, this place would be an infinitely better place. Also proportional representation is something I would like to...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh he threw it in on the whistle! And he got a very good round of applause! Yes! So Clement Freud was speaking on proportional representation as the whistle went, and gained an extra point. But he is still, alas, in second place, just ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, and trailing considerably behind our guest who is leader, Aimi Macdonald. Kenneth the subject is pens, your turn to begin, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: (in Scottish accent, Scottish gibberish) I first wrote that on a piece of parchment many years ago. I was delighted and it is there engraved upon my memory ever since. I use a black one with a gold and very beautiful nib. And around the band is written on the cap (German) which for the benefit of you who do not understand German, means ďthe masterís stick or batonĒ. And recollect the instrument in question has been confused with the aforementioned object and has also con, considerable, no...

BUZZ

NP: Really yes! Aimi Macdonald you challenged.

AM: Oh well er what was it darling? Um...

CF: Hesitation.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

AM: Yes yes.

NP: Iím afraid there was, and no doubt why. There are 12 seconds for the subject of pens with you Aimi starting now.

AM: Fountain pens but my favourite is a quill with long feathery... objects coming...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter, Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was Aimi. Five seconds on pens with you Clement starting now.

CF: I used to be very keen on the relief nibs when I was nine years old. They were by far...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Clement Freud got some points in that round, including one as the whistle went, and is creeping forward on our leader Aimi Macdonald. And Aimi, will you begin the next round, the subject, my next holiday. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

AM: Oh my next holiday must be in absolutely fantastically hot sunny climes. I want to lounge on white beaches and drink cold Perrier water...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, you canít lounge on beaches.

NP: Why not?

CF: You can only lounge on a beach.

NP: You can...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh thatís brilliant! Itís brilliant!

NP: Itís very clever. Letís give him a bonus point because what she meant... I know what she meant because she wants to go from one beach to another.

AM: Yes yes you try a different beach every day darling.

NP: I know thatís what you meant, but he had a very clever challenge. Weíve given him a bonus point because heís like that, you know, heís got it all up there which some of us lack.

AM: Mmmm!

NP: So anyway Aimi you keep going with 47 seconds on my next holiday starting now.

AM: I adore getting enveloped in these gi-normous waves, all covered in frothy white foam. I like to water ski, whizzing along behind little motor boats with men and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: You canít whiz behind motor boats!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh dear! What do you do in this situation?

PJ: I donít know, heís just quibbling about an S.

AM: Yes.

PJ: Itís like saying er, you know, heís going to the House of Commons, and I say, no, the House of Common, which happens to be...

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And she did establish she was going to have more than one water ski so thereíll be more than one boat. And the thing where you were devious is you couldnít skim along behind a littler boat. You have to have a very powerful boat if youíre going to water ski. But still nobody picked you up on that Aimi...

CF: Oh! Oh!

NP: ... so you keep going on 27 seconds starting now.

AM: A very powerful boat which...

BUZZ

NP: Clement has got you this time.

CF: Repetition of boat.

NP: Of boat!

AM: I...

NP: No, it wasnít! Because before she said boats!

AM: No!

NP: And you got her on boats before!

PJ: She said boats, thatís right.

NP: Yes so it was a boat this time, so hoisted by your own petard! Twenty-four seconds, my next holiday, Aimi starting now.

AM: The only thing is you could have a nasty accident and fall off your water ski...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís got you this time I think.

CF: (laughs) Repetition of water ski.

NP: Yes! Water ski. That was...

AM: No, I talked about to water ski, I didnít talk about the actual ski.

NP: No no, Iím not going to allow you to get away with this time Aimi, no no, there are 18 seconds for Clement to take over my next holiday starting now.

CF: It is going to cost 96 pounds and 75 pence plus surcharge which may well be as much as 15 more pounds on top of that which would be a great shame. Corfu is where I hope to go provided the travel company...

WHISTLE

NP: Well what a marvellous way to finish because Iíve just been told we have no more time as I have to bring the show to a close. But let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams didnít get many points this week, contributed a great deal but few points. Peter Jones was the same, very few points for Peter alas, but great contribution. Ah yes! Aimi Macdonald our guest, didnít quite win but she did finish equal with Clement Freud, our joint winners this week! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and we thank all of the panellists for their contribution to the success of the show which we hope will make you want to tune in again and once again we will take to the air and we will play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.