JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JJunkin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 May 1981)

NOTE: Sandra Pronger's last appearance blowing the whistle.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and John Junkin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve heard we welcome John Junkin back as our guest to pit his wits against our three regular players of the game. And once again they will try and talk if they can on the subject that I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Weíll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams and as Iíve said before, who better? Kenneth the subject, Clement, is getting a shock. And there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I had the most appalling shock when I endeavoured to remove from a wall, in the first flat I ever had, as a matter of fact, going back a few years now, an electric fire. Well you see, my hands touched these wires. Little did I know youíre supposed to have rubber gloves or something, and a special screwdriver because youíve got to be earthed. I wasnít earthed, you see!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of earthed.

NP: Yes! You were not earthed indeed. And so um Clement you um have a point for a correct challenge and take over the subject which is getting a shock, and there are 34 seconds starting now.

CF: I think the most significant shock Iíve ever had was when the Speaker of the House of Commons approached me and said ďyou have not got a Dukedom in the New Yearís Honours ListĒ. I was astonished! It was something which I had had reason to believe, I said had had, but Iíll say had had again...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

CF: I was being so honest!

DEREK NIMMO: A self-confessed repeater!

NP: I know! Isnít he honest! So Derek you take over the subject and a point for that of course, 16 seconds are left, getting a shock starting now.

DN: Some few years ago, I was in Johannesburg and a lot of new...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Name dropping!

NP: Well as he always does it, I donít think he was deviating from anything which we donít expect with Derek! So an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject of course, there are 13 seconds, getting a shock starting now.

DN: When a party of recruits had been brought in to work in the gold mines. And theyíd come from the more distant areas of Africa. And they were trying to explain to them... the difficulties...

BUZZ

NP: Ah John Junkin challenged.

JOHN JUNKIN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree John. So weíre going to hear from everybody in this round on getting a shock and now itís John Junkinís turn with five seconds to go starting now.

JJ: Getting a shock entails some such thing as a bucket of water being thrown over one...

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: The whistle went as the buzzer went, but the whistle wins out and it is blown by Sandra Pronger who is deputising for Ian Messiter who canít be with us. It also tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was our guest, John Junkin, so at the end of that round heís equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo and Derek will you take the next round, the subject, interesting parties. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: I was once asked to the most interesting party by Sandra Pronger. It was held above a little shop in Soho and you had to press a button labelled 33. She took me upstairs and asked me to meet her friends, one of whom was the local vicar. And I was so intrigued that this dear sweet lady who Iíd seen nestling the arms of David Hatch our producer for so many years, not only had ecclesiastical connections, but also access to the aforementioned room so high above one of the more disreputable areas of the great city in which I live. But she was quite at home there, and what was so fascinating to me was she opened a door at the far corner of the room and led me along...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of room.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid so. I wanted to hear more about that! And so did Sandra Pronger too, I can tell you! Fiction, fiction all the way. And so anyway there are five seconds with you Clement on the subject of interesting parties starting now.

CF: Women who are easily the best other sex I know, are pretty important when it comes to...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud got the extra points for speaking as the whistle went and heís now in the lead. And Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, dealing. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: Dealing need a pack of cards, ideally, if you want to satisfy the punters. And if you deal twice, itís called double dealing, which is quite different and also illegal. Ace, king, queen, jack, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds, are just some of the words that you would hear at a party in which playing cards are on...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Repetition of playing cards.

CF: No. Cards before, playing hyphen cards the second time.

NP: Oh youíre not going to wriggle out of it like that!

JJ: One of the great non-hyphenated words in the English language!

NP: Yes, no, no, John, youíre right, you have a correct challenge there. But, and anyway you got right away from dealing, you were talking about cars. Though I know there is a connection...

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: John you have 32 seconds on dealing starting now.

JJ: Dealing also means purveying. One can be a dealer in wood, or in groceries or fruit or meat...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Thatís four ors in seven words.

NP: Yes, I... not a healthy thing in Just A Minute or at any time. Ah and so you take the subject back again with 23 seconds, dealing starting now.

CF: On the stock market in the city of London, you will find a substantial number of dealers whose involvement in finance and speculation is expert, second to almost none except operatives in Wall Street, who also deal in commodities as well as stocks, shares, and equities of a very wide or you may call it Catholic nature. British Petroleum...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud then cleverly kept going until the whistle, gained an extra point, increased his lead. And John, your turn to begin, the subject, bricklaying starting now.

JJ: Starting whenever you like, bricklaying is a subject about which I know less than nothing. I have seen it demonstrated and I can only describe the method used by the gentleman who I presume was called a bricklayer. He took a brick in his hand and placed it with great care upon a bed of wet cement. He then took another which he placed beside the first one, added some more of this strangely British mixture which he tucked into place with a trowel. And then taking a spirit level, he placed them across these two...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of placed.

NP: Yes you were placing, you had to, if you were going to build this wall up!

JJ: If you donít know anything about it, youíre a bit...

NP: I know, I think you started yourself on something which eventually you had to trip yourself up on John. But you kept going for a good time, and 35 seconds in fact. So there are er 25 left for you Derek on bricklaying starting now.

DN: I must confess that like John Junkin, I am to the world of bricklaying what Danny Larue is to sheet metal welding. But I have lots of times, observed people bricklaying with great fascination. I was tremendously encouraged to know, and to learn indeed many years ago, that Winston Churchill was a most devoted bricklayer. Round about Chartwell he put one brick upon another, and constructed walls of amazing beauty...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, Derek Nimmoís moved forward but heís still in second place, John Junkin third, Kenneth in fourth. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, rhinoceros. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well this is a pachydermogical. The idea of this sort of quadruped which is horned in the nose, with the thick layers of this skin that hangs all over the body, rather like certain people Iíve seen who have got on in years and itís all there in pleats so to speak, looking rather sad. Those creatures when you see them in Africa, and of course we must remember that some of them are in the South Asia area as well, are a most delightful sight because to a certain extent there are zoologists who will tell you they are in danger of becoming extinct! And like the other pachyderm, the elephant, they wonít be seen in the sort of profusion we have been used to, in days of yore. What a shame that those little eyes, almost pig-like, as they gaze at you and specially when they smile...

WHISTLE

NP: So a well deserved round of applause. The first time for a while someone started with the subject and finished with it. It was the indomitable Kenneth Williams with rhinoceros. So Kenneth, a point for speaking as the whistle went, a point for not being interrupted. And youíre still in fourth place, Iím afraid! But we did enjoy it. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is bats Derek, there are 60 seconds starting now.

DN: When the Maoris followed the cuckoo to the land of the long white cloud, the only mammals extant upon that island of New Zealand were two marsupial bats which of course you know means that the babies have dropped on the ground and crawl up the legs, into the little pouches that are therefore provided. And they used to fly away with these bats across the two islands of the country that I was telling you about. But recently when I was in Bangkok I went to a most interesting restaurant where the speciality of the house was a whole cage of bats. And they hung upside down, and you went along as though you were choosing trout, and said ďI would like that oneĒ. They spread them out by the wing, they slit their throat, and they caught all the blood in a little glass and you drank it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: I know! It was horrid too, wasnít he! So youíre right Clement and there are 13 seconds on bats with you starting now.

CF: I think itís only correct to say that none of my best friends are bats. All the people I know are extraordinarily intelligent, some even wise...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Rubbish! You know Nicholas Parsons!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why are you clapping?

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: You rotten audience! Will you take their names at the back and see they donít get in again! Right Kenneth, you have the subject, I am bats, and there are two seconds on the subject starting now.

KW: They are made of willow and they are used on the English cricket pitch...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and heís now in second place alongside Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud is in the lead and itís his turn to begin, the subject is making exotic bread. And you have 60 seconds Clement, starting now.

CF: If you want any flotsam, Iíve got some, if you want any jetsam, I can get some....

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Deviation.

NP: Whatís that got to do with exotic bread? Or making bread?

JJ: Flotsam and jetsam are things that are either thrown or float off ships, and I donít see much exotic bread floating about, do you?

NP: Well probably, knowing Clement Freud, he was going to find some way of making exotic bread out of them. I know thatís the way his mind works. But he actually hadnít established it and he had been going for six seconds. So...

CF: Oh!

NP: ... we give you the subject John and there are 54 seconds left starting now.

JJ: Making exotic bread is something about which Clement Freud is far more qualified to speak than I am. However if I were given the task of making exotic bread, I think the first thing I would do would be to gather before me my ingredients. I would possibly use sunflower oil, the wool from virgin sheep, ah droppings...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation before droppings.

JJ: Thank you Derek!

NP: Well after the virgin sheep, Iím not surprised! There are 33 seconds for you Derek on making exotic bread starting now.

DN: I suppose it really depends where youíre eating the bread, whether it is... actually exotic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Yes Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, the subjectís back with you with 30 seconds on making exotic bread starting now.

CF: Flour, yeast, salt, sugar, butter and water are clearly things that you would not put into exotic bread because they would be ordinary, and are... ingredients...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Derek.

CF: Yes, I think so too.

NP: Twenty seconds, 19 and a half actually, making exotic bread starting now.

DN: If, for instance, you got a sliced loaf in Kashmir, that would be extremely exotic. On the other hand if you found yourself devouring...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Iíve had a sliced loaf in Kashmir, it wasnít at all exotic! Just tasted like a bit of bread, thatís all! Whatís he on about? Exotic in Kashmir? Load of rubbish!

NP: I agree with you Kenneth, I donít think sliced breadís exotic anywhere!

KW: No! Quite right! I knew he wouldnít pull the wool over your eyes! I knew he wouldnít get to you! Donít worry yourself dear! Oh yes!

NP: Iím bright again, am I?

KW: Youíve been in those climes yourself, havenít you?

NP: Whenever I agree with him, Iím very intelligent, and if I donít, Iím bats!

KW: Quite right! Thank you!

NP: Kenneth you have the subject, there are 13 seconds on making exotic bread starting now.

KW: You do it with those delightful things, curiously aromatic, called sesame seeds. And they contain the most potent ingredient you can imagine because they are aphrodisiacs...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth, speaking as the whistle went, gained another point. So overcome with excitement he squeezed Clement Freud, for the listeners who wondered why our audience was laughing, and he is in second place alongside Derek Nimmo, behind our leader Clement Freud. John Junkin is trailing a little, only two behind our second place and he begins the next round. The subject John, is mixing a drink. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

JJ: I think the favourite drink that I have ever mixed is a Bloody Mary, if I am permitted to say that. The ingredients contained therein are tomato juice, vodka, celery salt, tobasco sauce, ice and a small prayer which was taught to me by a Tibetan llama whose life I saved in the Himalayas. The method of mixing the drink is as follows. A glass is placed before one, and into it are put the ingredients that I have already...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of ingredients.

NP: You did say ingredients before, Iím afraid John. So Clement picked you up and he has another point and there are 27 seconds, mixing a drink Clement starting now.

CF: Iíve always been very interested in mixing drinks which are aphrodisiac. Because oysters donít work, and semolina pudding quite clearly is food rather than liquid. So pineapple juice and aromatic herbs mixed with hock and mozelle... crushed ice...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Derek. So you have nine seconds on mixing a drink starting now.

DN: I think one of the great art forms of the world is to watch a New York barman mix a Manhattan or a sidecar. He talks to you while he is mixing the drink, pouring the ingredients into the shaker, tosses around and...

WHISTLE

NP: So the situation is exactly the same at the end of that round. Theyíve all got more points, and Kenneth begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is deja vu. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: I well recall a revue being staged with this title, at a theatre not so far from here with an old favourite, Sheila Hancock, in it, and young George Cole. A delightful pair they made! And the title, of course, an affectionate view at the past through rose-tinted, shall we say, spectacles. So that we recreate a delicious memento of the pastish... I mean...

BUZZ

KW: I was going to say pastiche you see.

NP: I know...

KW: I meant pastiche, thatís what I meant, you see.

NP: It doesnít matter what you said then, that school over there would have had you as their mascot any time! Kenneth you kept going for 35 seconds, well done, bad luck! John Junkin, a correct challenge, 25 for you on deja vu starting now.

JJ: Itís French I understand. I donít speak the language myself, but I believe it means it has been seen before, and is experienced occasionally by people who are interested in psychic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Well it doesnít!

NP: What?

CF: It means already seen.

NP: Donít pick...

JJ: This man is a nit picker!

NP: Yes!

JJ: And with that beard, Iím not surprised!

CF: This is a nit pickerís game! Thatís what itís all about!

NP: Iím afraid it is, and to adjudicate on nit picking is extremely difficult! And Kenneth will you stop picking your nits, and let us get on with the game! Because I disagree, that was nit picking. And so there are 14 seconds for you to continue John, on deja vu starting now.

JJ: People interested in...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes and itís Derek Nimmo with the subject and 13 seconds, deja vu starting now.

DN: I once went to a house in Northamptonshire to which to my knowledge I had never been there before. And I had this extraordinary feeling of deja vu...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of my.

NP: Well itís a bit nit picking, but all right, there you are. You did say my, so Iíve got to be fair and say itís correct Clement, and say you take the subject, and seven and a half seconds, deja vu starting now.

CF: This is a French term meaning already seen. And Iím glad that people listen with care because John Junkin had a quite...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation. John Junkin (breathes in)

NP: He didnít really hesitate. I would like to agree with you John, because heís trying to get in...

JJ: Well agree with me! Go on!

NP: I know! Itís all getting a bit ridiculous isnít it. So Clement you continue with half a second on deja vu starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And John Junkin you got in that time on hesitation, well done! So you have half a second on deja vu starting now.

JJ: Deja vu...

WHISTLE

NP: So you see how sporting they can be when theyíre under pressure. And er itís very even. Kenneth Williams one point behind John Junkin, John two points behind Derek Nimmo, and heís two behind our leader Clement Freud. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, microchips. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

BUZZ

DN: Sorry!

NP: You...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: Yes.

KW: Hesitation! Hesitation! A definite hesitation! I could see it! You could feel that, I mean, you could see it, couldnít you.

DN: Is it my turn, is it? Iím so sorry.

NP: Yes itís your turn to begin.

DN: Oh well...

KW: No itís not, itís not his turn. Iíve got it! Iíve got him on hesitation!

NP: Can we just establish something? Is your name Derek Nimmo?

DN: Sorry?

NP: Is your name Derek Nimmo?

DN: Yes Iím afraid to admit...

KW: And is that your usual voice?

NP: And have you played the game before?

KW: And is that your own hare, or is it a wig?

NP: If you can answer yes to all those questions... Kenneth Williams has a correct challenge, so Kenneth you take over microchips with 59 seconds starting now.

KW: These are chips you eat at the microphone and people do not welcome your doing so. In fact one of the chief sound engineers in this very building today, said to me ďall this fat and rubbish that theyíre throwing into the microphone, because theyíre eating their chips round it...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of microphone.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you said the microphone before Kenneth. So Clement has a correct challenge and the subject is microchips and there are 44 seconds starting now.

CF: This is very much the industry of the future. And I realise that while there is 4000 million pounds of North Sea oil revenue, it is the microchip business which would be the recipient of such bountiful finance. There are machines and all sorts of domestic appliance which needs no more than a microchip to free a woman from housework and get out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, we have now gone on to a great political diatribe about the status of the woman in the home! I mean the microchip is nothing to do with that. I mean weíre into some great political, heís trying to say, propaganda is what heís indulging in! Heís not enlightening us at all! I was being enlightening about chips round the microphone! Which I thought was quite nice, you know. I thought it had a nice touch, delicacy almost you see...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ... I donít think he, itís devious, itís nothing to do with microphone chips, the position of...

NP: I think what you said is utterly devious.

KW: Yes. The position of the woman in the home, itís exactly where she should be! I mean itís ridiculous!

NP: Kenneth youíve made your point and it was completely incorrect, but we loved hearing all about it. So Clement continues with 13 seconds on microchips starting now.

CF: There are some very interesting childrenís games which with the help of microchips allow infants, juveniles, and all people under the age of 14 to have enormous fun by pressing buttons, being given a question, quite often getting an answer which may even be correct...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement with the subject of microchips kept going until the whistle went and gained the extra point, has increased his lead. And ah heís just ahead of Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth Williams and John Junkin are equal in third place. And we start the last round with Clement Freud beginning. And the subject, what the well-dressed man wears in bed. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: The well-dressed man wears nothing in bed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well thatís ridiculous! How could he be dressed if heís got nothing on? I mean itís dressed! On the card it says dressed!

NP: Thatís right.

KW: Well how can he be dressed...

NP: All right, donít go on Kenneth!

KW: ... if heís got nothing on?

NP: I agree with your very good challenge. Youíve made your point...

CF: So nothing is a perfectly adequate answer!

NP: Yes it was, and Kennethís made his point and he takes the subject with 56 seconds on what the well-dressed man wears in bed starting now.

KW: Iím glad I have the opportunity to address you on this subject. Because, believe me, I know a bit about it! And you canít beat your shop silk or your poplin, not to mention the South Sea Isle cotton. That is deliciosa against the flesh and really brings you on. I have had some of the most beautiful dreams lying there, with my featherdown pillow of course, adjacent. And these garments have given me profound pleasure, not to mention the sensuous nature of actually caressing both the material and the surrounding...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has had the temerity to challenge! John?

JJ: This is unsuitable for children and people of a nervous disposition!

NP: Half our audience are on the floor already! And some of them are not together! So what is your other challenge?

JJ: Ah, I havenít got one, Iím just frightened to death!

NP: Yeah deviation from...

JJ: I suppose so, yes.

NP: He was talking about his sensuousness rather than the well-dressed man, yes. So John Junkin our guest, you take over the subject with 10 and a half seconds, what the well-dressed man wears in bed starting now.

JJ: The well-dressed man would normally in bed wear, made of pure silk, either a pair of hand-tailored pyjamas, or else a night-gown with a crest bearing his initials...

WHISTLE

NP: So as I said a little while ago, this would be the last round, weíve now reached the end of it. John Junkin got the point for speaking as the whistle went and so to give you the final score. An interesting result, we have three people equal in second place, and where better in Just A Minute than to be all equal together because they all contribute so much. Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and John Junkin our guest all finished in second place, but they were five points behind this weekís winner, Clement Freud! Well we do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and our thanks again to Sandra Pronger who stepped in to help by blowing the whistle and keeping the score. And we want you to tune in again when once again we will take to the air and we will play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.