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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 May 1981)
NOTE: Sandra Pronger's last appearance blowing the whistle. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and John Junkin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you’ve heard we welcome John Junkin back as our guest to pit his wits against our three regular players of the game. And once again they will try and talk if they can on the subject that I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. We’ll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams and as I’ve said before, who better? Kenneth the subject, Clement, is getting a shock. And there are 60 seconds as usual starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I had the most appalling shock when I endeavoured to remove from a wall, in the first flat I ever had, as a matter of fact, going back a few years now, an electric fire. Well you see, my hands touched these wires. Little did I know you’re supposed to have rubber gloves or something, and a special screwdriver because you’ve got to be earthed. I wasn’t earthed, you see! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of earthed. NP: Yes! You were not earthed indeed. And so um Clement you um have a point for a correct challenge and take over the subject which is getting a shock, and there are 34 seconds starting now. CF: I think the most significant shock I’ve ever had was when the Speaker of the House of Commons approached me and said “you have not got a Dukedom in the New Year’s Honours List”. I was astonished! It was something which I had had reason to believe, I said had had, but I’ll say had had again... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. CF: I was being so honest! DEREK NIMMO: A self-confessed repeater! NP: I know! Isn’t he honest! So Derek you take over the subject and a point for that of course, 16 seconds are left, getting a shock starting now. DN: Some few years ago, I was in Johannesburg and a lot of new... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Name dropping! NP: Well as he always does it, I don’t think he was deviating from anything which we don’t expect with Derek! So an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject of course, there are 13 seconds, getting a shock starting now. DN: When a party of recruits had been brought in to work in the gold mines. And they’d come from the more distant areas of Africa. And they were trying to explain to them... the difficulties... BUZZ NP: Ah John Junkin challenged. JOHN JUNKIN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I would agree John. So we’re going to hear from everybody in this round on getting a shock and now it’s John Junkin’s turn with five seconds to go starting now. JJ: Getting a shock entails some such thing as a bucket of water being thrown over one... WHISTLE BUZZ NP: The whistle went as the buzzer went, but the whistle wins out and it is blown by Sandra Pronger who is deputising for Ian Messiter who can’t be with us. It also tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was our guest, John Junkin, so at the end of that round he’s equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo and Derek will you take the next round, the subject, interesting parties. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. DN: I was once asked to the most interesting party by Sandra Pronger. It was held above a little shop in Soho and you had to press a button labelled 33. She took me upstairs and asked me to meet her friends, one of whom was the local vicar. And I was so intrigued that this dear sweet lady who I’d seen nestling the arms of David Hatch our producer for so many years, not only had ecclesiastical connections, but also access to the aforementioned room so high above one of the more disreputable areas of the great city in which I live. But she was quite at home there, and what was so fascinating to me was she opened a door at the far corner of the room and led me along... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of room. NP: Yes, I’m afraid so. I wanted to hear more about that! And so did Sandra Pronger too, I can tell you! Fiction, fiction all the way. And so anyway there are five seconds with you Clement on the subject of interesting parties starting now. CF: Women who are easily the best other sex I know, are pretty important when it comes to... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud got the extra points for speaking as the whistle went and he’s now in the lead. And Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, dealing. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. CF: Dealing need a pack of cards, ideally, if you want to satisfy the punters. And if you deal twice, it’s called double dealing, which is quite different and also illegal. Ace, king, queen, jack, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds, are just some of the words that you would hear at a party in which playing cards are on... BUZZ NP: John Junkin has challenged. JJ: Repetition of playing cards. CF: No. Cards before, playing hyphen cards the second time. NP: Oh you’re not going to wriggle out of it like that! JJ: One of the great non-hyphenated words in the English language! NP: Yes, no, no, John, you’re right, you have a correct challenge there. But, and anyway you got right away from dealing, you were talking about cars. Though I know there is a connection... LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: John you have 32 seconds on dealing starting now. JJ: Dealing also means purveying. One can be a dealer in wood, or in groceries or fruit or meat... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: That’s four ors in seven words. NP: Yes, I... not a healthy thing in Just A Minute or at any time. Ah and so you take the subject back again with 23 seconds, dealing starting now. CF: On the stock market in the city of London, you will find a substantial number of dealers whose involvement in finance and speculation is expert, second to almost none except operatives in Wall Street, who also deal in commodities as well as stocks, shares, and equities of a very wide or you may call it Catholic nature. British Petroleum... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud then cleverly kept going until the whistle, gained an extra point, increased his lead. And John, your turn to begin, the subject, bricklaying starting now. JJ: Starting whenever you like, bricklaying is a subject about which I know less than nothing. I have seen it demonstrated and I can only describe the method used by the gentleman who I presume was called a bricklayer. He took a brick in his hand and placed it with great care upon a bed of wet cement. He then took another which he placed beside the first one, added some more of this strangely British mixture which he tucked into place with a trowel. And then taking a spirit level, he placed them across these two... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of placed. NP: Yes you were placing, you had to, if you were going to build this wall up! JJ: If you don’t know anything about it, you’re a bit... NP: I know, I think you started yourself on something which eventually you had to trip yourself up on John. But you kept going for a good time, and 35 seconds in fact. So there are er 25 left for you Derek on bricklaying starting now. DN: I must confess that like John Junkin, I am to the world of bricklaying what Danny Larue is to sheet metal welding. But I have lots of times, observed people bricklaying with great fascination. I was tremendously encouraged to know, and to learn indeed many years ago, that Winston Churchill was a most devoted bricklayer. Round about Chartwell he put one brick upon another, and constructed walls of amazing beauty... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round, Derek Nimmo’s moved forward but he’s still in second place, John Junkin third, Kenneth in fourth. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, rhinoceros. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Well this is a pachydermogical. The idea of this sort of quadruped which is horned in the nose, with the thick layers of this skin that hangs all over the body, rather like certain people I’ve seen who have got on in years and it’s all there in pleats so to speak, looking rather sad. Those creatures when you see them in Africa, and of course we must remember that some of them are in the South Asia area as well, are a most delightful sight because to a certain extent there are zoologists who will tell you they are in danger of becoming extinct! And like the other pachyderm, the elephant, they won’t be seen in the sort of profusion we have been used to, in days of yore. What a shame that those little eyes, almost pig-like, as they gaze at you and specially when they smile... WHISTLE NP: So a well deserved round of applause. The first time for a while someone started with the subject and finished with it. It was the indomitable Kenneth Williams with rhinoceros. So Kenneth, a point for speaking as the whistle went, a point for not being interrupted. And you’re still in fourth place, I’m afraid! But we did enjoy it. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is bats Derek, there are 60 seconds starting now. DN: When the Maoris followed the cuckoo to the land of the long white cloud, the only mammals extant upon that island of New Zealand were two marsupial bats which of course you know means that the babies have dropped on the ground and crawl up the legs, into the little pouches that are therefore provided. And they used to fly away with these bats across the two islands of the country that I was telling you about. But recently when I was in Bangkok I went to a most interesting restaurant where the speciality of the house was a whole cage of bats. And they hung upside down, and you went along as though you were choosing trout, and said “I would like that one”. They spread them out by the wing, they slit their throat, and they caught all the blood in a little glass and you drank it... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of little. NP: I know! It was horrid too, wasn’t he! So you’re right Clement and there are 13 seconds on bats with you starting now. CF: I think it’s only correct to say that none of my best friends are bats. All the people I know are extraordinarily intelligent, some even wise... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams... KW: Rubbish! You know Nicholas Parsons! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Why are you clapping? LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: You rotten audience! Will you take their names at the back and see they don’t get in again! Right Kenneth, you have the subject, I am bats, and there are two seconds on the subject starting now. KW: They are made of willow and they are used on the English cricket pitch... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and he’s now in second place alongside Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud is in the lead and it’s his turn to begin, the subject is making exotic bread. And you have 60 seconds Clement, starting now. CF: If you want any flotsam, I’ve got some, if you want any jetsam, I can get some.... BUZZ NP: John Junkin has challenged. JJ: Deviation. NP: What’s that got to do with exotic bread? Or making bread? JJ: Flotsam and jetsam are things that are either thrown or float off ships, and I don’t see much exotic bread floating about, do you? NP: Well probably, knowing Clement Freud, he was going to find some way of making exotic bread out of them. I know that’s the way his mind works. But he actually hadn’t established it and he had been going for six seconds. So... CF: Oh! NP: ... we give you the subject John and there are 54 seconds left starting now. JJ: Making exotic bread is something about which Clement Freud is far more qualified to speak than I am. However if I were given the task of making exotic bread, I think the first thing I would do would be to gather before me my ingredients. I would possibly use sunflower oil, the wool from virgin sheep, ah droppings... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation before droppings. JJ: Thank you Derek! NP: Well after the virgin sheep, I’m not surprised! There are 33 seconds for you Derek on making exotic bread starting now. DN: I suppose it really depends where you’re eating the bread, whether it is... actually exotic... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Yes Clement? CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, the subject’s back with you with 30 seconds on making exotic bread starting now. CF: Flour, yeast, salt, sugar, butter and water are clearly things that you would not put into exotic bread because they would be ordinary, and are... ingredients... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so Derek. CF: Yes, I think so too. NP: Twenty seconds, 19 and a half actually, making exotic bread starting now. DN: If, for instance, you got a sliced loaf in Kashmir, that would be extremely exotic. On the other hand if you found yourself devouring... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams... KW: I’ve had a sliced loaf in Kashmir, it wasn’t at all exotic! Just tasted like a bit of bread, that’s all! What’s he on about? Exotic in Kashmir? Load of rubbish! NP: I agree with you Kenneth, I don’t think sliced bread’s exotic anywhere! KW: No! Quite right! I knew he wouldn’t pull the wool over your eyes! I knew he wouldn’t get to you! Don’t worry yourself dear! Oh yes! NP: I’m bright again, am I? KW: You’ve been in those climes yourself, haven’t you? NP: Whenever I agree with him, I’m very intelligent, and if I don’t, I’m bats! KW: Quite right! Thank you! NP: Kenneth you have the subject, there are 13 seconds on making exotic bread starting now. KW: You do it with those delightful things, curiously aromatic, called sesame seeds. And they contain the most potent ingredient you can imagine because they are aphrodisiacs... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth, speaking as the whistle went, gained another point. So overcome with excitement he squeezed Clement Freud, for the listeners who wondered why our audience was laughing, and he is in second place alongside Derek Nimmo, behind our leader Clement Freud. John Junkin is trailing a little, only two behind our second place and he begins the next round. The subject John, is mixing a drink. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. JJ: I think the favourite drink that I have ever mixed is a Bloody Mary, if I am permitted to say that. The ingredients contained therein are tomato juice, vodka, celery salt, tobasco sauce, ice and a small prayer which was taught to me by a Tibetan llama whose life I saved in the Himalayas. The method of mixing the drink is as follows. A glass is placed before one, and into it are put the ingredients that I have already... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of ingredients. NP: You did say ingredients before, I’m afraid John. So Clement picked you up and he has another point and there are 27 seconds, mixing a drink Clement starting now. CF: I’ve always been very interested in mixing drinks which are aphrodisiac. Because oysters don’t work, and semolina pudding quite clearly is food rather than liquid. So pineapple juice and aromatic herbs mixed with hock and mozelle... crushed ice... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so Derek. So you have nine seconds on mixing a drink starting now. DN: I think one of the great art forms of the world is to watch a New York barman mix a Manhattan or a sidecar. He talks to you while he is mixing the drink, pouring the ingredients into the shaker, tosses around and... WHISTLE NP: So the situation is exactly the same at the end of that round. They’ve all got more points, and Kenneth begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is deja vu. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. KW: I well recall a revue being staged with this title, at a theatre not so far from here with an old favourite, Sheila Hancock, in it, and young George Cole. A delightful pair they made! And the title, of course, an affectionate view at the past through rose-tinted, shall we say, spectacles. So that we recreate a delicious memento of the pastish... I mean... BUZZ KW: I was going to say pastiche you see. NP: I know... KW: I meant pastiche, that’s what I meant, you see. NP: It doesn’t matter what you said then, that school over there would have had you as their mascot any time! Kenneth you kept going for 35 seconds, well done, bad luck! John Junkin, a correct challenge, 25 for you on deja vu starting now. JJ: It’s French I understand. I don’t speak the language myself, but I believe it means it has been seen before, and is experienced occasionally by people who are interested in psychic... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Well it doesn’t! NP: What? CF: It means already seen. NP: Don’t pick... JJ: This man is a nit picker! NP: Yes! JJ: And with that beard, I’m not surprised! CF: This is a nit picker’s game! That’s what it’s all about! NP: I’m afraid it is, and to adjudicate on nit picking is extremely difficult! And Kenneth will you stop picking your nits, and let us get on with the game! Because I disagree, that was nit picking. And so there are 14 seconds for you to continue John, on deja vu starting now. JJ: People interested in... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of people. NP: Yes and it’s Derek Nimmo with the subject and 13 seconds, deja vu starting now. DN: I once went to a house in Northamptonshire to which to my knowledge I had never been there before. And I had this extraordinary feeling of deja vu... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition of my. NP: Well it’s a bit nit picking, but all right, there you are. You did say my, so I’ve got to be fair and say it’s correct Clement, and say you take the subject, and seven and a half seconds, deja vu starting now. CF: This is a French term meaning already seen. And I’m glad that people listen with care because John Junkin had a quite... BUZZ NP: John Junkin challenged. JJ: Hesitation. John Junkin (breathes in) NP: He didn’t really hesitate. I would like to agree with you John, because he’s trying to get in... JJ: Well agree with me! Go on! NP: I know! It’s all getting a bit ridiculous isn’t it. So Clement you continue with half a second on deja vu starting now. BUZZ NP: And John Junkin you got in that time on hesitation, well done! So you have half a second on deja vu starting now. JJ: Deja vu... WHISTLE NP: So you see how sporting they can be when they’re under pressure. And er it’s very even. Kenneth Williams one point behind John Junkin, John two points behind Derek Nimmo, and he’s two behind our leader Clement Freud. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, microchips. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. BUZZ DN: Sorry! NP: You... KW: Hesitation! NP: Yes. KW: Hesitation! Hesitation! A definite hesitation! I could see it! You could feel that, I mean, you could see it, couldn’t you. DN: Is it my turn, is it? I’m so sorry. NP: Yes it’s your turn to begin. DN: Oh well... KW: No it’s not, it’s not his turn. I’ve got it! I’ve got him on hesitation! NP: Can we just establish something? Is your name Derek Nimmo? DN: Sorry? NP: Is your name Derek Nimmo? DN: Yes I’m afraid to admit... KW: And is that your usual voice? NP: And have you played the game before? KW: And is that your own hare, or is it a wig? NP: If you can answer yes to all those questions... Kenneth Williams has a correct challenge, so Kenneth you take over microchips with 59 seconds starting now. KW: These are chips you eat at the microphone and people do not welcome your doing so. In fact one of the chief sound engineers in this very building today, said to me “all this fat and rubbish that they’re throwing into the microphone, because they’re eating their chips round it...” BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of microphone. NP: Yes I’m afraid you said the microphone before Kenneth. So Clement has a correct challenge and the subject is microchips and there are 44 seconds starting now. CF: This is very much the industry of the future. And I realise that while there is 4000 million pounds of North Sea oil revenue, it is the microchip business which would be the recipient of such bountiful finance. There are machines and all sorts of domestic appliance which needs no more than a microchip to free a woman from housework and get out... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, we have now gone on to a great political diatribe about the status of the woman in the home! I mean the microchip is nothing to do with that. I mean we’re into some great political, he’s trying to say, propaganda is what he’s indulging in! He’s not enlightening us at all! I was being enlightening about chips round the microphone! Which I thought was quite nice, you know. I thought it had a nice touch, delicacy almost you see... NP: Kenneth... KW: ... I don’t think he, it’s devious, it’s nothing to do with microphone chips, the position of... NP: I think what you said is utterly devious. KW: Yes. The position of the woman in the home, it’s exactly where she should be! I mean it’s ridiculous! NP: Kenneth you’ve made your point and it was completely incorrect, but we loved hearing all about it. So Clement continues with 13 seconds on microchips starting now. CF: There are some very interesting children’s games which with the help of microchips allow infants, juveniles, and all people under the age of 14 to have enormous fun by pressing buttons, being given a question, quite often getting an answer which may even be correct... WHISTLE NP: So Clement with the subject of microchips kept going until the whistle went and gained the extra point, has increased his lead. And ah he’s just ahead of Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth Williams and John Junkin are equal in third place. And we start the last round with Clement Freud beginning. And the subject, what the well-dressed man wears in bed. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. CF: The well-dressed man wears nothing in bed... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well that’s ridiculous! How could he be dressed if he’s got nothing on? I mean it’s dressed! On the card it says dressed! NP: That’s right. KW: Well how can he be dressed... NP: All right, don’t go on Kenneth! KW: ... if he’s got nothing on? NP: I agree with your very good challenge. You’ve made your point... CF: So nothing is a perfectly adequate answer! NP: Yes it was, and Kenneth’s made his point and he takes the subject with 56 seconds on what the well-dressed man wears in bed starting now. KW: I’m glad I have the opportunity to address you on this subject. Because, believe me, I know a bit about it! And you can’t beat your shop silk or your poplin, not to mention the South Sea Isle cotton. That is deliciosa against the flesh and really brings you on. I have had some of the most beautiful dreams lying there, with my featherdown pillow of course, adjacent. And these garments have given me profound pleasure, not to mention the sensuous nature of actually caressing both the material and the surrounding... BUZZ NP: John Junkin has had the temerity to challenge! John? JJ: This is unsuitable for children and people of a nervous disposition! NP: Half our audience are on the floor already! And some of them are not together! So what is your other challenge? JJ: Ah, I haven’t got one, I’m just frightened to death! NP: Yeah deviation from... JJ: I suppose so, yes. NP: He was talking about his sensuousness rather than the well-dressed man, yes. So John Junkin our guest, you take over the subject with 10 and a half seconds, what the well-dressed man wears in bed starting now. JJ: The well-dressed man would normally in bed wear, made of pure silk, either a pair of hand-tailored pyjamas, or else a night-gown with a crest bearing his initials... WHISTLE NP: So as I said a little while ago, this would be the last round, we’ve now reached the end of it. John Junkin got the point for speaking as the whistle went and so to give you the final score. An interesting result, we have three people equal in second place, and where better in Just A Minute than to be all equal together because they all contribute so much. Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and John Junkin our guest all finished in second place, but they were five points behind this week’s winner, Clement Freud! Well we do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and our thanks again to Sandra Pronger who stepped in to help by blowing the whistle and keeping the score. And we want you to tune in again when once again we will take to the air and we will play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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