JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 May 1981)

NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's 300th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again weíre delighted to welcome back Sheila Hancock, to try and do battle with our three regular competitors of the game. And once again theyíre going to try speak if they can on the subject that I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. Derek would you start the show off with the subject of disreputable people. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Disreputable people, I suppose one of the most disreputable people Iíve ever read about was Samuel Foot who actually set out, a great wit of the 18th century, to taunt actors. Foot found a way of writing...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of Foot, or feet as you should have said actually.

NP: Yes so Peter you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and you take over the subject of disreputable people and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well I think theyíre very often much more entertaining than reputable people. I would much prefer to be on a long train journey with say Horatio Bottomley or even Doctor Crippin. I think to be in their company and listen to what they have to say, try to reason with them perhaps, compare notes, would be an enjoyable experience and might even teach one to er live...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Of an er, yes. Iím sorry you were there Peter. There are seven seconds for Derek Nimmo to take back the subject of disreputable people starting now.

DN: Disreputable people, I take Peterís point actually. Nicholas Parsons is an entirely reputable person and that of course is why any train journey with him...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo took a long time to get round to bringing me into the subject. But Derek, you were speaking as the whistle went so you get an extra point for doing so and you naturally have the lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones would you take the next round, the subject is keeping an even distribution of fruit in a cake. Quite a long and involved subject, and perhaps if you repeat it a couple of times youíll probably got about 30 seconds there. Anyway there are 60 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Keeping an even distribution of fruit in a cake, well, I certainly hope Clement Freud is listening to this because I happen to know the answer. You just put the fruit, that is sultanas, raisins, cherries, bits of... candied peel...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

PJ: What?

DN: Hesitation, I...

PJ: No, I was doing it slowly because people might be writing it down!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, IAN MESSITER AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Because we liked your comeback Peter, weíre going to be generous and let you keep it! So Peter you continue with the subject with 37 seconds, sorry, 44 seconds on keeping an even distribution of fruit in a cake starting now.

PJ: In a bowl, and you add some flour. Jumble it all up together and the er the er...

BUZZ

NP: Itís impossible to give a recipe in Just A Minute!

DN: I want everyone to write down all those ers you see!

PJ: I know, I know.

NP: Iím afraid Derek has it that time. Derek there are 37 seconds this time on keeping an even distribution of fruit in a cake starting now.

DN: To keep an even distribution of fruit in a cake, I would first of all take a bowl, and then spread on it these sultanas and raisins and currants and all the things that one needs to make this delicious cake. And then over the top I would put flour and roll it with a... mill of some...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation. Roll it with a er mill.

NP: Yes yes I, I think it was just there. I was debating in the lottery of my mind...

KW: You want to wake up! You want to get out your hearing, you want to wake up and pull yourself together, for goodness sake! Supposed to be a chairman! Gracious me, you want to listen!

NP: I was listening and I recognised it, but I had to decide whether it was long enough to be a pause or not...

KW: I can help you! I can help you about that!

NP: On this occasion Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt and weíd like you to take over the subject. And there are 22 seconds for getting an even distribution of fruit in a cake starting now.

KW: To keep an even distribution of fruit in a cake, and Iíve seen this done by an Army chef by putting a lot, all the ingredients into the bowl, and then stamping with your foot on the whole lot. Now this is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No! Very bad advice!

KW: Weíre not interested in whether itís good advice, mate! All you can do is challenge for deviation or repetition or hesitation and you couldnít do it! You just wanted to get your oar in because you were hoping to get a few points!

PJ: Youíd just have a very nasty mess in the bowl and very juicy feet!

KW: What do you know about my feet? Youíve never seen my feet!

NP: He was suggesting actually that it was deviation because you would not get an even distribution on the way this chap was doing it.

KW: I object strongly! I object to the bad manners on this show! Iím a well mannered...

NP: Well then shut up! Now Iíll tell you what I will do to be perfectly fair, because Iím not going to judge whether your Army chef putting his foot on this cake would create an even distribution or uneven distribution. So Iím going to let our wise and intelligent audience... them be the judge. So if you agree with Peterís challenge, you cheer for him, and that means itís an uneven distribution. And if you disagree, you boo for Kenneth, and that means it was an even distribution, and you do it all together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It was even! Even distribution. Kenneth you keep the subject according to the audience and you have eight seconds to continue on keeping an even distribution of fruit in a cake starting now.

KW: Most housewives would agree itís done with a wooden spoon, and very diligent stirring until the right consistency is maintained and then popped in the oven...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams kept going until the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And with the other points in the round, he is now in the lead, alongside Derek Nimmo, and just ahead of Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock. And it wasnít so very long ago at one of these recordings you were complaining that you never got into the lead.

KW: Well it goes in spates Nicholas, you see. You have a period when nothing seems to go for you. You understand my point?

PJ: Yes! Iíve been going through a bad patch thatís lasted about 14 years!

NP: Right Sheila the subject is charm, and itís your turn to begin. And will you tell us something about it in the game starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Well I think everybody has charm. There isnít a single human being in the world that you canít find some little bit of them that is attractive and charming. I mean, for instance, you look at the panel, youíve got Nick, with nice... nice hair!

BUZZ

SH: I was stumped! I was stumped!

NP: She looked at me and couldnít think of anything to say! I am shattered!

SH: I went blank! I really did, I went blank!

DN: Iím not surprised! He has that effect on most people!

NP: So Sheila Hancock went blank and er Peter...

PJ: Yes?

NP: You have 45 seconds to take over the subject of charm starting now.

PJ: As JB Priestley has said, quoting JM Barrie, charm has a sort of bloom on it...

BUZZ

NP: Peter, Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of J.

NP: Iím afraid so, JB Priestley and JM Barrie.

KW: Oh thatís ridiculous! That is ridiculous!

PJ: Just a letter, you know!

KW: I mean if weíre going to get down to that, you might as well you say you canít say a, you canít say the, you canít say any bloominí word!

NP: All right...

PJ: Itís not even a word!

KW: Youíre going raving mad! Mad! Mad!

NP: Iím sorry, I was laughing at Kennethís outburst! But actually, no I think itís a very good challenge, JB Priestley and JM Barrie...

KW: (mimicking NP) Oh a very good challenge! Rubbish!

NP: After a kind of wardrobe...

KW: Iíll come after you too, donít worry yourself! Iíve never heard such rubbish in my life!

SH: Listen, heíll stop you winning if you donít shut up!

KW: Oh I donít care! I mean thatís a point at which you snap, isnít there! I mean, a genius like me coming along here with this sort of quibbling!

NP: It is not quibbling, I Think it was a good challenge. Derek I agree with your challenge and so you take over the subject with 37 seconds, charm starting now.

DN: I have a charm of which Iím very...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís no charm whatsoever!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh itís going to be one of those shows again!

KW: No! No, Iím a liar, I donít mean it! No, heís all right, heís all right really! I was just wild about the last issue, thatís all!

NP: Yes.

KW: I donít really mean heís got no charm, of course he has.

NP: Yes.
Ď
KW: I mean heís...

NP: Heís got as much charm as you, hasnít he?

KW: Eh?

NP: Heís got as much charm as you.

KW: Yeah thatís right yes.

NP: So Kenneth didnít mean it but give him a point for a very good challenge, only because the audience enjoyed it, for no other reason. It was not good in the game...

PJ: He said ďa charmĒ didnít he? He said ďa charmĒ, yes. Itís probably one of those things to keep rheumatism at bay!

NP: So Derek you get a point for a wrong challenge, you keep the subject, charm, and there are 35 seconds starting now.

DN: And itís a lucky Cornish pixie which I bought from Mrs Trethowan who lives near Penzance. And I take this charm with me, and it has had the most beneficial effects. Sometimes I rub my charm until it gleams like gold, although of course actually itís made of brass. And it for me produces extraordinary good fortune, and that is really what a charm should be. It comes from a very old Latin word, carmen which the ah...

BUZZ

DN: Iíve stopped!

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, once he tried to show off his classical education, he dried. So Sheila you have the subject of charm with eight seconds to go starting now.

SH: Nicholas has got this ability to smooth over...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Regretfully, repetition of Nicholas.

SH: No, I said Nick last time, didnít I?

KW: Yes!

NP: Yes.

KW: You see? Yes he did! Thatís clever! Thatís clever!

NP: Anyway weíll decide that you did Sheila, and you have five seconds on charm starting now.

SH: Pouring il on troubled waters such as Kenneth and Derek and Peter when they get snotty...

WHISTLE

NP: Well itís a very even contest because not a lot of points are being scored and theyíre keeping close. Sheila Hancockís now crept up into second place alongside Peter Jones, and theyíre both only one point behind Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams, our joint leaders. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, amber. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: I had a very pretty row of amber beads and alas they became irretrievably lost along with those lovely old hooks and eyes I used to save in a wonderful little thing made of japonica. And the amber in this japonica bowl... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Yes his japonica tripped him up. So Peter there are 39 seconds for you to talk on amber starting now.

PJ: Well I think itís made of rosin, and it lasts for a long time. Occasionally you find a wasp or bee imprisoned in it and it keeps them like that as they...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, thereís no, itís not made of rosin itís made of resinous material. Itís not rosin. Where did you get this word rosin?

NP: Is that right?

PJ: I thought it was called rosin.

NP: No, rosin's something you use to get a shine on things.

PJ: Isnít that the same thing?

NP: No!

PJ: Really?

NP: Itís a resin! I think Kennethís right!

PJ: Oh well! Itís nice to have an educational element in the programme! Didnít know that! Resin is it?

NP: Yeah!

PJ: Like they make the wine out of in Greece?

KW: Yes donít go on and on about it! Iím supposed to have the subject back!

NP: Retsina youíre thinking if!

PJ: Oh is that it?

NP: Yes!

PJ: And thatís what you put on your shoes?

NP: You can, but you might have the dogs licking them!

PJ: Yes!

KW: Heís thinking of the resin that is the quality in the, in the timber, yes.

NP: Yes, right so there are 27 seconds for you to take over the subject of amber Kenneth, or to take it back, I should say, starting now.

KW: Well she was the subject of a great novel, you know, a story of this wanton woman who was always getting mixed up in various sexual escapades. And held a great readership in enormous...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Is that running out of breath or hesitation?

NP: Well I couldnít hear a word he was saying so I donít know what he did!

SH: He kind of ran out.

NP: Well I couldnít hear a word so Iíd have to say Sheila that yes he ran out and there was a pause. So you now have the subject of amber with 14 seconds to go starting now.

SH: I once had a beautiful amber ring which was a kind of murky brown set in gold, about half an inch across...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well if it was a murky brown, it wouldnít be amber, and it wouldnít be beautiful.

NP: She was describing it and her amber ring might have been exactly that colour, we do not know. She hasnít got it with us to prove the point. So she keeps going with six seconds on amber starting now.

SH: No, very sadly I lost it a little while ago. But it was amber, it was called some special sort of amber...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheilaís special sort of amber kept her going. It was amber, I knew it all the time Sheila. And you have an extra point for speaking as the whistle went and you are now in the lead! Derek your turn to begin, the subject is olives. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: Sitting there on the balcony, overlooking the bay at Pyreus, I was eating some beautiful olives and quaffing retsina. How nice I thought! And as I did this, I remembered Peter Jones, that dear wise old chum who was much given to being at islands like the one Iíve just described. Olives are something which has been a symbol of purity and circumbity for many years. Indeed ancient maidens used to weave olive leaves into their...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation. I mean, ancient maidens? I mean arenít maidens young? What are you doing with all these ancient old crones who are suddenly maidens?

NP: Yes.

KW: I mean, I mean itís ludicrous!

NP: I think so, you canít be ancient and a maiden.

KW: I shouldnít have thought so! Youíre a crone! I mean if he means maidens in ancient times, well he should pick his language more cleverly, shouldnít he.

NP: So Kenneth, you take over the subject with 27 seconds on olives starting now.

KW: Whatever Oliveís is usually mine as well, because we know each other very well. And sheís often said to me ďanything you fancy, dear, just you make it known and Iíll accommodate you in more ways than oneĒ. And I have found her to be a stalwart in times of appalling adversity. Iíve run to Olive and sheís always said ďwhatís Oliveís is yours and...Ē

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Thatís the second time sheís said it.

NP: Yeah you repeated the whole phrase, whatís Oliveís is yours.

KW: Well itís jolly good, isnít it, because sheís a generous person.

NP: So Sheila you cleverly got in with one second to go...

KW: Oh! Thatís brilliant, isnít it! Talk about doing a Freud!

SH: (laughs) Iím doing a Freud! Yes!

KW: Sheís doing a Freud here!

NP: Sheís sitting in Freudís chair there and...

SH: Yes it takes you over!

NP: Yes! One second to go on olives Sheila starting now.

SH: Olives are my very...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancock has increased her lead at the end of that round, and Peter Jones begins the next round. The subject Peter is why Iíve given up the harp.

SH: Oh! (laughs) Oh dear!

NP: Will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I havenít given up the harp as a matter of fact. So I canít see how I can be asked to, in fact Iíve never taken it up in the first place!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

PJ: And have no intention of doing so while Iím still living!

KW: Two in facts.

NP: Yes. Yes.

PJ: What was that?

NP: In fact, and the fact, the fact that you never actually went on the subject. So Kenneth has a correct challenge with...

PJ: Terribly unfair, itís like have you stopped beating your wife? You know, itís just er one of those questions isnít it.

NP: Yes well letís see what Kenneth does with it, I think that was the reason Ian Messiter thought of it...

PJ: So Iíd lose it to him? Yes! I see what you mean, yes!

NP: Well we thought we might have a bit of fun with this one. Kenneth the subject is why Iíve given up the harp, there are 52 seconds starting now.

KW: The reason was I was very privileged once to help out with the Monestram Orpheus Choir. And one of the instruments used there was a beautiful Welsh harp. And I was instructed ah about playing it you see...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I couldnít hear again. So Peter you have the subject back again with 37 seconds, why Iíve given up the harp starting now.

PJ: Well, assuming that I did take up the harp, let us imagine that I played it for a while and then gave it up...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Sheila...

PJ: No hesitation! What was the hesitation?

SH: You paused!

NP: You stopped! You paused!

PJ: Paused?

NP: It was a dramatic pause but Iím afraid we canít allow that in this game...

PJ: Yes, I got to the end of a bar!

NP: Sheila will you tell us something about why Iíve given up the harp, 29 seconds starting now.

SH: Why Iíve given up the Harp is because I think The Carpenterís Arms is a better pub. Because they served rotten beer at the Harp, it was kind of smoky and it had a bad froth on the top. So eventually I toppled down the road and I went into The Carpenterís Arms and I said ďI donít think much of the Harp...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has...

DN: Sheís been in The Carpenterís Arms twice.

NP: Yes, The Carpenterís Arms.

SH: Oh yes.

NP: Itís got too much of a plug in this show, theyíre rushing down there now. There are 14 seconds Derek on why Iíve given up the harp starting now.

DN: Why I have given up the harp is because itís the cognisance of Ireland in heraldry. And thereís something particularly distasteful about those three points of the harp that remind you of the Irish trilogy...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Oh I donít know! Some, must be some reason!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: I didnít like that part of it at all, you know.

NP: I just think youíve been rather sharp, but Iím afraid I have to be fair to Derek Nimmo...

PJ: I am a bit trigger happy with this hand, you know.

NP: Youíve tried very hard Peter, but Derek keeps the subject, there is, there is one fifth of a second to go starting now.

DN: Why Iíve given up the harp...

WHISTLE

NP: So an even more interesting situation now. Let me give you now the score...

KW: Do you have to? Weíre awfully bored by all these scores! Dreary isnít it!

NP: Well you might be surprised to hear...

KW: Dreary recitation of scores all the time!

NP: ... that some people actually enjoy knowing what the score is. And you are now in second place with Derek Nimmo. You are two points behind our leader who is Sheila Hancock, and Peter Jones is two points behind you. And Sheila takes the next subject, and this one should give us some fun, if Sheila loses it, that is. The subject is dancing with Nicholas Parsons.

SH: Oh!

NP: And you have 60 seconds to tell us something about that in the game Sheila starting now.

SH: I should imagine that if one was lucky enough to dance with Nicholas Parsons, it would be a kind of graceful waltz. I donít think somehow it would be reggae or anything like that. This Ginger Rogers dress Iíll have on, and heíll be in an evening suit, or tails even. And we;ll waltz around...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Second waltz.

SH: Yes.

NP: Iím afraid that was the second waltz. I have saved the last waltz for you Sheila...

SH: Thank you Nicholas, thank you.

NP: But the second one goes to Derek Nimmo!

LAUGHTER FROM SH, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek...

SH: You shouldnít have let him win it! Heíll be evil!

NP: Oh I donít know, we can have some fun with this one. Derek Nimmo, you have the subject of dancing with Nicholas Parsons. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: I can imagine absolutely no fun at all in dancing with Nicholas Parsons. And the fact that I have 27 seconds in which to talk about it is almost too long. The thought of those great hairy arms locked around mine fills me with great disgust and revulsion. Can you imagine, any of you, ladies and gentlemen, I implore you, the thought of that ogre, that monster I know, treading on your toes, his great hairy... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged. You gave me too much hair, Iím sorry.

DN: You are getting a bit thin!

NP: Sheila you have the subject back and there are 12 seconds on dancing with Nicholas Parsons starting now.

SH: The band should be something like Victor Silvester and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It wonít be in this world if itís Victor Silvester!

SH: I knew youíd say that! Itís a record!

NP: She did say it should be something like Victor Silvester.

SH: Yes.

NP: She didnít say it will be our dear departed Victor Silvester. So Peter, lovely challenge, the audience gave you a round of applause for it, give Peter a bonus point. But Sheila gets the subject and another point too because it was a wrong challenge. There are eight seconds left, dancing with Nicholas Parsons, Sheila...

DN: He likes this subject, doesnít he!

BUZZ

NP: Peterís challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! Sheila he wants to talk about it, give it to him. Sheila gets a point for that incorrect challenge, Peter Jones takes over the subject because he wants to talk about dancing with Nicholas Parsons starting now.

PJ: Well naturally I would prefer to be a wallflower! But if I were forced and paid an enormous amount of money, I suppose I would contend...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheilaís generosity has brought Peter up into second place, alongside Derek Nimmo. Kennethís one point behind but Sheila has a very strong lead there. Kenneth you begin the next round, the subject is stoppers. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

KW: Theyíre peculiarly difficult for me because they should contain right inside the cap, if youíre using the screw-type, the sort of material which acts as a washer if you like. But to ensure that when shaken up and down, it doesnít actually dribble in any way. Now that particular element seems to be often missing in my bottles. And consequently, obeying the injunction which is always there from the chemist, shake before using...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two shakes.

KW: No, I said shaking before, you great fool! Why donít you listen! Itís so ridiculous isnít it! I donít know why I come here! I come all the way from Great Portland Street!

NP: I mean just because he made a mistake, you donít need to...

KW: Well heís got no right to! I donít make any, ever, on this show!

SHOUTS OF ďOHHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your rows!

NP: For once, Kenneth, the audience unanimously disagreed with you!

KW: Iíll have them all expelled from here! Disgraceful!

NP: So actually Derek was incorrect, so you keep the subject and there are 29 seconds on stoppers starting now.

DN: Children have some that they chew called gobstoppers. And I hear...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, they donít chew gobstoppers. Theyíre much too hard.

NP: No, you canít chew a gobstopper, thatís a good challenge. Yes you have to suck it. And so Peter you have 24 seconds to tell us something about stoppers starting now.

PJ: Well I have in mind show stoppers. People who come on in the middle of a revue or a variety programme, and they actually stop the performance with enthusiasm engendered by the audience...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo came to your rescue.

DN: Repetition of audience and hesitation.

NP: Yes, Derek you have 10 seconds on stoppers starting now.

DN: Yes itís the sort of joke that you hear. What have you got if you have got a green ball in your left hand, and one in your right one as well? And the answer is of course...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

DN: ... a leprechaunís undivided attention!

PJ: Heís repeating one again. Up to his old tricks!

NP: This time youíve got in with one and a half seconds to go with a correct challenge.

PJ: Ah great!

NP: Yes!

PJ: Great, thatís great, isnít it!

NP: The subject is stoppers and you start now.

PJ: My dentist is always...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And unfortunately we have come to the end of the show this week. The final score was that Kenneth who had the lead at one point finished up in a very strong fourth place. Only one point behind the two who were equal in second place, that was Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. And our winner was our guest who only will come once ina while, but when she does come here, she adds not only charm, wit and inventiveness to the game, I wish sheíd come more often!

SH: She wins it!

NP: Sheila Hancock! So congratulations because itís difficult with the regulars to try and beat them, but Sheila our guest, she did just that. We hope you have enjoyed the show this week and will want to tune in again. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.