JAM:PMerton,CFreud,SHancock,KHesketh-Harvey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, SHEILA HANCOCK and KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 July 2003)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world but also those who enjoy our show via the Internet. And once more it is my infinite pleasure to welcome four exciting, talented and skilled players of the game. Itís always...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well they are! Donít laugh! And itís always a great pleasure to welcome back that very inventive creative comic personality, who is now an award winning comedian, that is Paul Merton. Also lovely to have with us once again that brilliant actress and comedy performer, Sheila Hancock. We also have back on the show again which is a lovely pleasure for us, the very erudite and clever witty lyricist, writer and performer Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And we also always have a joy when we have one of the original players of the game who is so resourceful and inventive whenever he talks on Just A Minute, that is Clement Freud. And will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Drill Hall, which is an old fashioned Drill Hall in the west central area of London. And we have in front of us a real cosmopolitan London audience drawn from every area of this metropolis. So letís begin the show with Paul Merton. And it is called hogging the limelight. Paul, 60 seconds as usual, talk on the subject starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Hogging the limelight is a theatrical term for somebody who stands in the middle of the stage and draws all the attention towards them. The limelight comes from limes, in fact, a small simple fruit but does convey an awful lot of electricity if you power it properly into the electrical mains. And what you, the ordinary lime you can actually get, about four point seven thousand volts per hour. And only skilled technicians, a greengrocer perhaps or an electrician, are allowed to handle these particular items, because in the wrong hands they could be extremely dangerous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of hands.

NP: Yes.

PM: Handle and hands.

NP: Handle before.

CF: Hands!

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Sounded to me like hands.

NP: Right so who are they booing, you or Clement?

CF: Me, I expect! Usually!

NP: So an incorrect challenge Paul, so you keep, so you get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject and you have 28 seconds starting now.

PM: Charlie Chaplin made a film in the early 1950s called Limelight in which he portrayed an ageing comic down on his luck. And as the years go by, I identify with this movie more and... often. I think...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: That was hesitation.

NP: No!

CF: Oh yes!

NP: It wonít please the audience, Iím sorry...

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If youíre going to be as aggressive as that Iím afraid we will have to get the drill sergeant back in again! There was a stumble of words which we interpret as hesitation, so Clement you have a correct challenge and you have 15 seconds on hogging the limelight starting now.

CF: Crosby, Astaire and Gene Kelly didnít sing Hogging The Limelight, as did Jack Buchanan. It was such a tremendous song. Hogging the limelight, hogging the limelight, hogging the limelight...

BUZZ

CF: It was repetitious.

NP: Wait a minute, no, Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Yes but you canít keep saying the subject over and over. Stuck needle! Stuck needle!

BUZZ

NP: Kit youíve challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: It was repetition of the B natural actually!

NP: Ah Paul weíve always established over the years in Just A Minute, whereas you can repeat the subject on the card, if you repeat it ad nauseum like that, then that would be interpreted...

CF: Two and a half times?

PM: Three times.

CF: You, you buzzed during the third time!

NP: But you kept repeating...

PM: But I knew how the third time was going to go! I think a precedent had been established.

NP: I think yes, a precedent had been established and therefore you have three seconds Paul, on hogging the limelight starting now.

PM: Undoubtedly the greatest Vaudeville performer in the early...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes in this game gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Paul Merton who at the end of that round, you will not be surprised to know that he is in the lead. Um heís got three points. And Sheila, letís hear from you, my love, will you take the next round. The subject is Mona Lisa. Tell us something about the Mona Lisa in Just A Minute starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: The Mona Lisa is very close to my heart. Way back when I was 14 years old, I was in Paris, and I was living in a camp, and a sort of hostel place. And there was one of those toilets where you had to stand over a hole on footholds. And I discovered that in the Mona Lisa Gallery was a proper lavatory. So I went there every single day. So I got to know this lady, La Giaconda, very well indeed. And it is indeed the...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

SH: Oh yes!

PM: Two quick indeeds.

SH: Yes.

NP: Indeed yes, so tripped up there. But 26 seconds you went for Sheila. And weíd like to hear from you Paul on the Mona Lisa, youíve got another point for a correct challenge and 26 seconds starting now.

PM: Of course the enigmatic smile can be explained by somebody who has to go to the museum once a day in order to visit the lavatory. And I think thatís the mystery behind that thin-lipped grin that has puzzled art historians over the years. Sheila herself has experienced this as she said, the marvellous wonder of being in France, but unfortunately not being anywhere near English plumbing. We have the final facilities in the world and weíre known throughout the Empire...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went, again got an extra point, has increased his lead at the end of that round. It seems that once you get on to plumbing over here, itís easier to keep going than talking about the Mona Lisa. Ah Kit Hesketh-Harvey itís time we heard from you. And hereís a subject weíd love you to take. Itís called Aunt Sally. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KHH: There are an awful lot of people in this room who arenít Sally. Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Nicholas Parsons and the lovely Sheila Hancock. At the same time there are many Sallies in the world who are not my aunts. Gunnell with the big broad shoulders I find very inspiring, or Burgess with her big larynx. But...

BUZZ

KHH: Oops Iíve said big twice.

NP: I know, and Kit you challenged yourself.

KHH: I challenged myself before anyone else did.

NP: Yes. So as you challenged yourself, I have to ask you what was your challenge?

KHH: Iím afraid it was repetition.

LAUGHTER FROM SH, PM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: If youíre quick enough to challenge yourself and itís a correct challenge, and now you get a point for that.

SH: Thatís outrageous!

NP: I know!

SH: Itís absolutely outrageous!

NP: Itís the fun we have Sheila which is important. Forty-four seconds still available, Aunt Sally with you Kit starting now.

KHH: It would be terribly useful to have an Aunt Sally. I could practice throwing things at John Prescott, or paint balling, or boule, that lovely game which Iím sure Sheila Hancock played in France. The original Aunt Sally was a wooden erection containing a beak and you had to throw quoits at it. It was very misogynistic really, and would probably be banned here in the Drill Hall which has very feminist...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: I donít understand, what, a wooden thing with a beak? What do you mean? Deviation!

NP: Why?

KHH: Well itís a bit difficult to describe on the radio. It was a big wooden thing and it had a beak, and it was um, and you had to throw your quoit over the beak, or knock her down or...

SH: I donít think thatís true. I think it was a person.

NP: No...

KHH: A real one?

SH: Well, no, a model of a person...

NP: You had to throw the quoits, sometimes they were designed and devised in different ways. But his description of throwing the quoit was correct and he had to get the quoit over the instrument or the erection as he called it.

SH: Oh!

KHH: Otherwise it was coitus interruptus!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís why heís a witty lyricist. Incorrect challenge so you have another point Kit, and 24 seconds, Aunt Sally starting now.

KHH: I have many aunts but one of them are called Sally. Olivia, Carol, Muriel and Jill, all very dear to my heart. But Sally, no... now Iíve stopped!

BUZZ

NP: Sheila you challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Sheila, youíre correct. And youíve got 15 seconds on Aunt Sally, Sheila starting now.

SH: Aunt Sally actually is a game that you play that comes back from medieval times I believe. Where a woman with a pah, clay pipe was thrown at them...

BUZZ

SH: Oh!

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Itís a pah pah clay pipe.

SH: Yes yes I know, I know.

NP: Itís a bit of a hesitation, itís a bit tough but I will try and redress the balance. I give you the benefit of the doubt...

KHH: Thank you Nicholas.

NP: And you have five, six seconds on Aunt Sally, Kit starting now.

KHH: Poor Sheila Hancock has been a bit of an Aunt Sally herself in this game...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of Sheila.

NP: Yes you mentioned Sheila before.

KHH: Oh Lord, so I did yes! Youíre so alert!

NP: So you got in with four seconds to go on that one Paul, starting now.

PM: Aunt Sally has now become Uncle Sally due to an accident at the water works where he...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Paul Merton is still in the lead. He got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, Kit Hesketh-Harvey with the points he got in that round on Aunt Sally, he is in second place, with three points. Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock have one each. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is chick lit.

CF: What?

NP: Chick... chick lit. It does exist, Iíll give you a second to think about it and try and go on it with your fertile mind, Iím sure youíll achieve something. Chick lit, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: This is an abbreviation for chicken litter. Itís when people have a chicken as a pet and in order to keep the house clean, they have this tray with gunge and porous material, and teach the fowl to make its mess in that particular place. Um gastronomically chick lit is of course a pouisson flambť. A waiter brings you the chicken, Iíve said chicken, Iíd better...

BUZZ

NP: That was very noble of you to mention it. The audience were laughing so much they didnít hear you repeat the chicken. Kit you challenged.

KHH: I thought repetition of chicken.

NP: Yes.

KHH: Itís a big trap, though, isnít it.

NP: Itís a big trap yes.

KHH: Weíll have to watch out for that one.

SH: What?

KHH: Well the repetition of chicken because weíre all going to do it, arenít we?

NP: You use the word chick.

KHH: Right.

NP: You can repeat it because itís on the card. You can repeat that. So 28 seconds with you Kit starting now.

KHH: Every evening in Norfolk as the sun slopes across the fields, I head for the hen house and there I read the poultry stories...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, well the sun doesnít slope across the field, does it? The Earth goes round the sun and the sun is in the sky, but the sunís not sloping across the field, is it. You donít go out in the field without your shoes on, youíll tread on the sun, youíll burn your foot. The sunís not sloping...

NP: I think normally...

KHH: In Norfolk we have no choice, itís flat earth.

PM: Oh I see.

KHH: We have to do it, yeah.

NP: One normally says that the sun sinks, and we donít talk about sloping. But I suppose if you want to be poetic...

KHH: I was being very poetic.

NP: I know you were. So I will accept the fact that you were being poetic, give you the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject...

KHH: Oh again Nicholas?

SH: Heís very much on this manís side, isnít he?

PM: Mmmm!

CF: Oh!

NP: No, I always regret, you watch out, I always redress the balance...

PM: He turns! He turns!

NP: If I think Iíve been generous...

KHH: Heís turned for me in the past, I can tell you!

PM: Yeah!

NP: I think you should keep your private life out of the show! Twenty-two seconds, still with you Kit Hesketh-Harvey, on chick lit starting now.

KHH: Omelette, Prince Of Denmark is one of their favourites. Iím trying The Agony And The Eggstacy, but itís a wee bit above the little darlingsí heads. But the tale of Chicken Licken... oh no Iíve said... ah yah yah!

BUZZ

NP: So, you...

SH: Chicken!

NP: You were right Sheila...

SH: He did it.

NP: He mixed up there. So 12 seconds for you Sheila, tell us something about chick lit starting now.

SH: Iím going to be serious about this. Chick lit is literature for young women. Iím more interested in rather old hen lit. But nevertheless this is very popular at the moment, itís top of the best-sellers...

WHISTLE

NP: And Sheila Hancock speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and she was the only one to tell us actually what chick lit refers to in modern parlance. Youíre in third place now, Kit Hesketh-Harveyís catching up on our leader, Paul Merton, and Clement is...

SH: How can he not be winning? Heís won every single point!

NP: No, Paul had masses of points right at the beginning.

KHH: No, a big spurt right at the start.

NP: Yes a big spurt.

SH: Ah!

NP: A big spurt.

CF: With a beak!

NP: I mean this is the irony of this show. I mean heís spoken so often when the whistleís gone that heís got all those extra points...

SH: Yeah.

NP: I mean in this show you can go for 57 seconds and get nothing...

SH: That used to be Clementís trick! Heíll be at it in a minute!

KHH: Used to?

NP: I donít think itís a trick, I just think if you play the game with concentration you can spot something...

SH: Go on then! Get on with it!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PM, KHH, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: You are the bossiest lady I know!

SH: Well Iím doing badly, Iíve got to catch up again. Go on, get on!

NP: But youíre so lovely with it, you get away with it. And itís your turn to begin.

SH: Oh God!

NP: Thatís not the subject, the subject is sizeism.

SH: Ah!

NP: Ah yes, it does need a momentís thought doesnít it. Sizeism, 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: This is something I suffered from when I was a young girl, because I am very tall. Five foot eight inches which in those days was considered extremely unfashionable for an actress. Men could be tiny and I had to stit... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Iím not quite sure what stit means?

NP: I know!

KHH: She did it with great style!

NP: Some strange thing...

SH: I did a lot of it! I did a lot of it!

NP: Some strange thing she did with these tiny men obviously! So we wonít go into what you...

SH: Stitting! I know!

NP: Right!

SH: Horrible!

NP: Kit youíve got 45 seconds, tell us something about sizeism starting now.

KHH: That wonderful woman of letters, Dame Muriel Spark, wrote what is perhaps the blackest comedy about sizeism, The Girls Of Slender Means. Only the thin ones can get out on to the balcony to sunbathe. And then when the whole hostel burns down at the end, only they survive!

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two onlys.

KHH: Oh yes youíre quite right.

NP: Right. Clement, 32 seconds, sizeism with you Clement starting now.

CF: I donít mind sizeism, itís heightism Iím hugely against. If people are fat, well done, good for them! Let them put on weight like anything. But height is...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Havenít we had height twice?

CF: No we had heightism.

NP: Yes we did indeed yes.

KHH: Height and heightism.

NP: Heightism.

SH: Oh no, heightism.

NP: If youíd gone for hesitation you could have had him.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I know you love her, we all do, but Iíve got to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute...

SH: Iím actually very nasty! I just want to win!

NP: Youíve an engaging way of getting away with it. Eighteen seconds Clement, you have another point, sizeism starting now.

CF: Foetal sizeism is about feet, and you go to a shoe shop, ask whether I could have an eight, nine, 10 or 11 shoe...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of shoe. Shoe shop and shoe.

NP: Shoe?

PM: He went into a shoe shop...

CF: Cobbler!

PM: Beg pardon? You went into a shoe shop and then he talked about eight, nine, 10, 11 size shoe.

NP: Thatís right. I didnít hear him say it though, did you?

PM: Well Iím sitting, Iím sitting closer to him than you are! This goes out on the radio, you can check it when itís broadcast!

NP: Right! Seven seconds Paul, sizeism starting now.

PM: I was once the most extraordinary size. Seven pounds four...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit challenged.

KHH: Have we had seven?

NP: Oh yes, but you had it, Clement said seven, not Paul.

KHH: Clement said it, wasnít it, Iím so sorry.

CF: Yeah, weíre sitting very close but...

NP: I should explain to our listeners, two of them sit on one side of me which is Clement Freud and Paul Merton, and the other two are on the other side of me. So you have this visual image of how the show is conducted. And Janet Staplehurst sits beside me which is lovely. Right, sizeism, incorrect challenge Paul, three seconds starting now.

PM: Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle was accused of terrible things...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, has increased his lead at the end of that round. But Sheila Hancock and Kit Hesketh-Harvey are now equal in second place, just one point ahead of Clement Freud. Kit Hesketh-Harvey your turn to begin, the subject is a new broom. Tell us something about a new broom starting now.

KHH: I had a lovely time at the Chelsea Flower Show this year. There was Charlie, swinging her little Dymocks over the hedges, and Dermot Gavin able to say all the really long names like Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen. And in a little bog garden...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Is he deviating? Are we ever going to get round to brooms?

KHH: Well Iím about to reveal what I found in the little bog garden.

NP: I think youíd been going for...

SH: All right, go on then!

NP: No, no, no, he had been going for 13 seconds and you hadnít got...

KHH: I was painting a gorgeous visual picture for the listeners...

NP: I know you were!

KHH: .... some of whom werenít able to get to Chelsea.

NP: But in Just A Minute, in Just A Minute you have to establish the subject much sooner because thereís only 60 seconds...

KHH: Righto!

NP: And also Sheila I have to point out to you when Iím fair, I gave the benefit of the doubt to him once...

KHH: Yes...

NP: ... and now you have the benefit of the doubt...

SH: Oh donít explain, you donít have to justify yourself Nicholas.

NP: Iím not justifying it, Iíd like to draw your attention to it.

SH: No, youíre absolutely right, I should be getting a turn!

NP: Right! Give us a turn, Sheila, 47 seconds available on a new broom starting now.

SH: A new broom is something that I never think of buying. Iíve got this threadbare wooden thing that scrapes the floor, the lino, the carpet, the tiles, because I ne.... verrrrr!

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit you challenged.

KHH: Iím sorry, ne-vah!

NP: Ne-vah! Yes.

KHH: And hesitation at the same time really wasnít it.

SH: Yes.

NP: So a correct challenge Kit, 34 seconds still available, tell us something about a new broom starting now.

KHH: I saw a new broom next to a little Titchmarsh. And it was lovely! It smelled of summer and the welcome you get in the Breklands in my beautiful Norfolk, when the broom is out and everything is happy, skylarks are singing. It had little men playing cribbage all the way around it, it looks so well now in my begonias...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.


NP: Hesitation right.

KHH: Sorry.

NP: Fourteen seconds for you Clement, on a new broom starting now.

CF: When we moved into our new flat, there was a dining room, but not a nube room. And I was unhappy about that because of all the rooms in an apartment, I think the nube is an important...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and heís moved forward. He got the extra point of course, and now he and Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Sheila Hancock are all equal in second place, just four points behind Paul Merton, our leader. Clement itís your turn to begin and the subject is Venus. Tell us something about Venus in this game starting now.

CF: Venus is most possibly remembered as the Goddess of love. But I think itís important to recall also that Venus was a sort of Roman Alan Titchmarsh. Venus looked after things, did a sort of feng shui...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Have we, have we had two sort ofs?

NP: No.

CF: No. But we could have.

KHH: A sort of Alan Titchmarsh, sort of feng shui.

SH: I think heís right!

NP: Yes, well listened Kit.

KHH: Sorry, was that too harsh?

CF: Itís only twice!

NP: Itís only twice!

PM: Itís only just repetition!

NP: Only just repetition, 44 seconds for you Kit on Venus starting now.

KHH: The Venus DíMylo famously has no arms, though George W Bush probably thinks she has! And sheís a right old slapper! She had it off with Mercury and Jupiter and ... somebody else!

BUZZ

KHH: Mars I think it was.

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: That was hesitation.

NP: Yes it was hesitation Iím afraid. So Clement, you have Venus back with you, 30 seconds starting now.

CF: Intravenous...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Well he was waiting for the laugh, but he did stop...

NP: I know, I know, this is the thing about Just A Minute. He gets a big laugh and er, you canít ride your laughs here, you have to carry on, and he did pause. I think he rested on his laurels actually. And um, so it was a hesitation Sheila, you have 26 seconds, tell us something about Venus starting now.

SH: Also known as Aphrodite and the name of a star, a planet in fact, that has no magnetic fields, is boiling hot, full of volcanoes and excitement, no possibility of life on Venus because of the heat and the glah, and the...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Sorry, no, she, she was up there on Venus.

NP: Yes yes.

SH: I was.

NP: Struggling over her Venus there. Eight seconds with you Kit, on Venus starting now.

KHH: There is also the Venus Calapijie, so-called because of her beautiful buttocks. And as I look at Sheila Hancock here, I can see...

WHISTLE

NP: Kit I think you were saved by the whistle then!

SH LAUGHS

NP: You got an extra point...

SH: I wanted him to have gone on!

NP: Yes, Kit you got extra points including one for having spoken when the whistle went and you moved forward. Youíre one behind our leader Paul Merton, and two ahead of Sheila Hancock and Clement Freud. And Paul your turn to begin, the subject now is the law of the jungle. Tell us something about the law of the jungle in this game starting now.

PM: Well perhaps itís a contradiction in terms. Can you really have law in a jungle? Because law assumes a kind of regulated system of behaviour, and a jungle is a very anarchic strange place, where odd creatures can appear behind trees and eat you, or make fun of your appearance. The gibbon is particularly nasty as a monkey, because it will always criticise your latest fashion howler. If you are wearing a hat which is too big for your head, this particular animal will make sure that every other creature in the jungle knows about your faux pas. I myself spent many years in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation, itís a gaffe rather than a faux pas.

PM: Well, yes but you try explaining that to a monkey! Itís a very subtle difference for a gibbon to get hold of.

NP: Yes.

PM: What, what do you think Nicholas?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think, I think you, I think youíre a very ironic audience!

LAUGHTER FROM PM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know why... I think you could interpret that situation as a faux pas or a gaffe.

PM: Yeah indeed.

NP: I think it was a very subtle and clever challenge on Clementís part, and letís give him a bonus point for his erudition. But we leave the subject with Paul who gets a point for an incorrect challenge. He has 23 seconds on the law of the jungle starting now.

PM: When you settle down in the jungle, if you find yourself invited on to one of these television programmes, Get Me On Iím A Celebrity was recently broadcast. Then you have to make sure that the people you are with are individuals that you know you can trust in an emergency. The law of the jungle is this. First of all, find adequate drinking water, itís no good sipping from the river, because there may be...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton with the law of the jungle kept going, right, he started with it and went right to the end with it, interrupted once. Another point for speaking as the whistle went, has moved forward, heís two ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Because weíre moving into the last round, so Iíll give you the final situation as we are at the moment. Clement Freud heís three ahead of, and Sheila Hancock heís four ahead of. Itís still very close as we go into the last round. With Sheila, itís your turn to begin and the subject is what I love about France. Tell us something...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thereís nothing funny in that subject! But Iím sure sheíll have a lot to tell us, she already established that she loves France. Tell us something more about that Sheila, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: I love almost everything about France, including the Mona Lisa thatís got a special lavatory in the gallery. I learned to enjoy olive oil and wine, garlic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Olive oil in France is not much cop!

NP: You could say olive oil in our country is not much cop, because we donít grow it here. But you can buy it, you can buy good olive oil anywhere. And so Sheila, an incorrect challenge, 48 seconds, what I love about France starting now.

SH: When I was 14, that said liquid we bought in Boots and was yellow in a bottle and used...

BUZZ

NP: And er whoís challenged. Oh itís Paul yes...

PM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: You canít buy olive oil in boots, itíd run out of the lace-hole!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Ridiculous! Thatís deviation, Nicholas isnít it?

NP: No, it isnít, itís a very old joke!

PM: Yeah well I know youíd remember it first time round!

NP: But what we do on these occasions because the audience enjoyed it as well, we give you a bonus point because you werenít challenging within the rules of Just A Minute, but you got a good laugh and the audience liked it. Bonus point to Paul, Sheila was interrupted, she gets a point, she keeps the subject, what I love about France and there are 42 seconds starting now.

SH: I first went round the Place d'Etoile on a bicycle, was thrilled with the vista down the Champs Elysees with the Marble Arch down the other end... Somebodyís surely going to challenge me!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Itís a very far other end!

NP: Yes it is!

SH: It is, it is an arch made of marble!

NP: I know but itís not called the Marble Arch.

SH: Itís the Arc DíTriomphe but itís an arch made of marble.

NP: I think...

KHH: I think she laid a little trap there.

NP: No, no, I think she did establish the Marble Arch. If she said The Marble Arch, thereís only one The Marble Arch, itís up here in London. So Clement I give you the benefit of the doubt, you have the subject, 33 seconds, what I love about France starting now.

CF: What I love about France is the south, west, north and east, the islands. What I donít like are the French! They have always seemed to me to be a most odious arrogant...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: We canít have this! We canít have this!

NP: I know!

SH: It is deviation and hesitation and everything.

NP: Well he did, he did hesitate.

SH: Xenophobia!

NP: No thatís not one of the rules of Just A Minute. Ah but I donít think he should set foot in France for a time. Um the ah, 18 seconds Sheila, correct challenge, he did hesitate, what I love about France is back with you Sheila and you have 18 seconds available starting now.

SH: I have a house in the south of France. And the people in the village that I live in are absolutely delightful. Charming, they enjoy good food, they sing, we play boule. However they listen to the World Service, Just A Minute, and they hate Clement Freud because he is so...

WHISTLE

NP: The final situation is very interesting and very fair. Clement Freud and Kit Hesketh-Harvey finished up equal in second place. But only three points behind Paul Merton and Sheila Hancock who were equal in first place.

KHH: Oh thatís charming!

NP: So we have two winners! What a fair way to finish! And it now only remains for me to say thank you to these fine players and exciting players of the game, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Sheila Hancock, Kit Hesketh-Harvey. I thank Janet Staplehurst who has helped me keep the score, sheís blown her whistle so delicately. We thank our producer Claire Jones. And of course we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game which we all enjoy playing. From our audience here, from me Nicholas Parsons, and the panel, good-bye, tune in the next time we take to the air and play Just A Minute! Good-bye!

THEME MUSIC