JAM:PMerton,CFreud,SHancock,KHesketh-Harvey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, SHEILA HANCOCK and KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 July 2003)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome all those listeners that we have not only in this country on Radio Four, but also on the World Service, and those who enjoy our show via the Internet. And also as always it is a pleasure to welcome the four exciting, talented, skilful and provocative players of the game who have joined me this week. And as usual I am going to ask them to use their verbal dexterity, their humorous ingenuity to speak on the subject I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four talented people are Paul Merton, Sheila Hancock, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud. Please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Drill Hall, in the west central area of London. And we have in front of us a real cosmopolitan London audience drawn from every area of this metropolis who on a very hot day are really oozing all kinds of perspiration, and fanning themselves to keep cool. So letís get started quickly with Clement Freud. And the subject is the perfect breakfast. Clement, tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The perfect breakfast, if you live in Japan, appears to be soup, which you eat at a very low table. And it is a job, should you be fat as I am, to get under it in order to consume the consommť orientale. In Scandinavia they give you foul pieces of meat, and in France, it is brioche and er...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Well coffee really, but it was a hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, er yes, hesitation. So er thatís a correct challenge Kit, so you get a point for a correct challenge. You take over the subject, there are 37 seconds available, the perfect breakfast starting now.

KHH: In America itís grits which is rather like denture fixative...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No!

CF: Deviation I meant. Grits.

KHH: Did I not say grits?

CF: No you said grit.

NP: You said grit.

SHEILA HANCOCK: You did say grits.

KHH: I thought I said grits.

SH: Iím sitting close to him. I know!

KHH: Maybe I swallowed the denture fixative?

SH: No you didnít.

NP: Well youíre closest, did he put a S on the end?

SH: Grits, yes he did.

KHH: Oh Sheila, youíre such a sport! Iíll deal with you later! How lovely!

NP: Right you have an incorrect challenge, so you keep the subject Kit, and there are 33 seconds available, the perfect breakfast starting now.

KHH: In Thailand, itís bowel curdling curry, whereas in Germany itís knockwurst which proves they have a sense of humour. Whereas over here, I think the perfect breakfast is quite honestly lunch! I like to lie in bed until at least one oíclock in the afternoon, and then come down to some devilled kidneys or perhaps a bit of haddock... (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah there was a hesitation. I donít know why, you looked at me and you thought it was very funny! I donít know whatís funny about a haddock.

KHH: Itís just the word haddock, dear. Iím so sorry.

NP: I know! Itís fish bait. Right, 13 seconds Clement, you have the subject and a point for a correct challenge, the perfect breakfast starting now.

CF: It has got to be Earl Grey tea, followed by all-bran, and er...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Sheila, so you have...

CF: You canít eat it that quickly!

NP: Eight seconds for you on the perfect breakfast starting now.

SH: Breakfast is my favourite meal. And the perfect breakfast is in a hotel, with a tray on the bed, and the newspapers...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Sheila Hancock, she is equal in the lead with Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And Kit itís your turn to begin, the subject, the chimpanzee. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

KHH: We are told that we share a lot of our DNA profile with the chimpanzee which is a hard concept to grasp, until you look at Edwina Currie and her shrieking libido, her depraved antics! Possibly around the room, Nicholas Parsons has a way with a banana which has served him very well in becoming a comedy god! Paul Merton, a very hairy back. Clement Freud...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I wanted to save him from...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: And repetition of very.

NP: Ah yes he did repeat very, yes.

PAUL MERTON: And deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: I donít have a very hairy back.

NP: Well anyway thatís beside the point now. Heís got in on repetition of very and there are 40 seconds on the chimpanzee with you Clement starting now.

CF: When my children were very young, I became a member of the London Zoological Society so that we could get in to the memberís entrance, and watch, or look at just one animal, instead of, in my youth, having to do four and a half hours with nanny, doing a tour of the monkey house, the fish pond, whatever, the aviary built by Tony Snowden...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KHH: Iím sure that nanny didnít take you round when Tony Snowdenís aviary was...

CF: Quite right!

KHH: I mean he must be...

CF: Well, well spotted!

NP: Well spotted, but it was a comment that he saw the aviary. Oh you mean the aviary didnít exist?

KHH: It didnít exist!

NP: Oh right, no, because it was later!

KHH: Deviation.

NP: Well, well picked up Kit. Youíve got another point for the chimpanzee and the subject is the chimpanzee, and you have 15 seconds starting now.

KHH: Sheila Hancockís very surname refers to one of the more regrettable habits that these primates indulge in...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Sheila youíve challenged.

SH: (laughing) Weíve got to stop him! No! Itís not nice! No! Deviation!

NP: Well it wasnít deviation actually.

SH: Iím not sure that chimpanzees do do that.

NP: But he did actually pause after that and Iím not surprised.

SH: Iíve never seen a chimpanzee do that.

KHH: What did nanny show you?

PM: Itís when Lord Snowden does it, youíve got something to worry about!

NP: I think er in the interests of decency Sheila, we give you the benefit of the doubt and say tell us something about the chimpanzee, nine seconds starting now.

SH: There used to be a humiliating advert where they had...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They, itís the chimpanzee.

SH: What? There used to be...

KHH: No, she said there, Iím sitting very close to her. I want to make that clear!

SH: Anyway Iíll carry on, and then youíll see that youíre wrong Clem!

NP: Six seconds Sheila, the chimpanzee starting now.

SH: In this advert there was one chimpanzee...

BUZZ

SH: Oh bugger!

NP: Weíre allowed one of those a show by the way so er...

SH: He put me off!

NP: Advert, you said the advert...

SH: I know, I know, thatís why I said bugger!

NP: Paul youíve got in with four... four seconds on the chimpanzee Paul starting now.

PM: Iíve known many chimpanzee in my time, perhaps my...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Thatís deviation from English, isnít it. Can you have many chimpanzee?

NP: No, he put an S on the end.

KHH: Did he?

NP: Yes.

SH: No he didnít!

CF: I was sitting very near him!

KHH: The subject is the chimpanzee isnít it?

NP: I donít think you were deviating within the rules of Just A Minute so Paul you have another point, one second starting now.

PM: Tarzan...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah at the end of that round Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point. Sheila Hancock is still in the lead, one ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Paul Merton. Clement Freud is one behind them. And Sheila itís your turn to begin, and the subject now is things you should never do on a train. A moment to think about it and off you go, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

SH: Well for a start you shouldnít do what Kit...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah Iím afraid so yes. I would, I thought you didnít want to refer to what he was talking about.

SH: I know! I didnít.

NP: You were trying to keep the show clean. Paul, a correct challenge, 57 seconds, things you should never do on a train starting now.

PM: Exercise an Irish wolfhound, drain a yak. These are things you should not attempt to do on a train because there are other people travelling with you. You shouldnít, perhaps, design a new kitchen. You maybe shouldnít talk on the mobile phone because other people on the train... oh thatís nonsense!

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Itís nonsense! Deviation!

NP: No, no, itís all nonsense but it doesnít matter. As long as, so I have to be fair. Forty-one seconds, still with you Paul starting now.

PM: Cut a leprechaunís toenails is something you should definitely avoid because those little Irish imps donít like that personal grooming being carried out by somebody they donít really know. Especially if youíre travelling up to 125 miles an hour. At the moment Iíve got the idea thereís about five people waving at me, but in fact theyíre fanning themselves, because of the extreme heat weíre in. But I feel as though Iím leaving on a boat train saying good-bye to the relatives...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged. You challenged Sheila?

SH: I didnít hear how he ended it, but it was deviation if he was talking about the audience waving.

NP: Thatís right so Sheila, correct challenge, 20 seconds for you, things you should never do in a train starting now.

SH: You should never talk to me, because I like to be on my own, reading my book, with nobody sitting near me. So if possible sit on the other side and...

BUZZ

SH: Iíve repeated sit!

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: She didnít actually repeat sit but she hesitated when she thought she had.

SH: I did.

KHH: No you said sitting before.

SH: Oh yes.

NP: She did hesitate yes.

SH: Oh did I? Oh.

KHH: Sorry.

NP: So Kit you have the subject now and there are 11 seconds available, things you should never do on a train starting now.

KHH: You should never flush when it is standing at a station which is difficult if youíre a menopausal woman...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement challenged.

CF: You can flush, you just mustnít flush the lavatory basin.

NP: Oh Clement, thatís too pedantic, Iím sorry! No, we all knew what he meant...

CF: I didnít.

NP: You should never... I know it was a joke but it didnít get much of a laugh did it really.

SH: It did! I laughed!

NP: So he keeps the subject of things you should never do on a train, seven seconds starting now.

KHH: You shouldnít, when you go into Stevenage or Letchworth, Baldock, Royston, any of the above on the journey towards Norfolk, attempt on any occurrence...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kit Hesketh-Harvey was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís now moved into the lead, one ahead of Sheila Hancock and Paul Merton, and Clement is trailing just a little. But Paul itís your turn to begin and the subject is award ceremonies.

SH: Oh!

NP: You have that subject, you have 60 seconds as usual, tell us something about them starting now.

PM: Well of course award ceremonies are enormous fun if you actually win something. If like the majority of people there you donít, then they can be perhaps a sad affair. I recently won a Bafta after being nominated seven times in 10 years. I was rather astonished when I was actually given one. But I found that the day after was more enjoyable than the actual event because afterwards there was lots of people sitting around all in a bad mood because they hadnít won...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Afterwards.

NP: You repeated afterwards.

PM: Ah yes.

NP: Yes. Forty-two seconds Sheila, tell us something about award ceremonies starting now.

SH: I was sitting on the same table as Paul when he won his award, and he was very happy on the day. I wasnít however because I was nominated for the umpteenth time. I never win bloody awards!

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Not winning awards!

LAUGHTER FROM KHH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Weíll give you a round of applause because we enjoyed what you said. But of course she didnít repeat anything within the rules of Just A Minute, so you keep the subject, donít you. Award ceremonies and 29 seconds starting now.

SH: I have now perfected my gallant loserís face. After the camera goes off me, I do use a lot of bad language and kick the person next to me! Judy Dench...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PM, CF, KHH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Paul you challenged?

PM: Well I think to rescue Sheila from committing professional suicide here! As she lays into Judy Dench! I think there was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, just before she said Judy Dench yes. So Paul youíve got the subject back now of award ceremonies now, 17 seconds starting now.

PM: When I won best newcomer of 1963, I had to fight Judy Dench for it, fist and tooth! She was a furious woman because she thought she should have won it and I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah three shes.

NP: There were three shes, and I think if you say she three times, I know itís a small word...

PM: Yeah.

NP: ... but they were quite close together too. So Clement, correct challenge, eight seconds, award ceremonies starting now.

CF: I find that award ceremonies are very tough on your knees, because they say ďget down on to the carpet...Ē

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, no, Paul, Paul challenged.

PM: Well there was a hesitation there. God knows which avenue we were being led down!

NP: There was a...

PM: But there was... itís not like the Bafta I remember! Ah so that was a hesitation.

NP: There was a huge hesitation. I think...

PM: Huge hesitation, you could have parked a bus in that hesitation Nicholas.

NP: Yes I think he didnít know what he was going to say or else he was too nervous of saying it.

PM: Yeah perhaps, you know him better than I do.

NP: Youíve got in with half a second to go on award ceremonies Paul starting now.

PM: Just A Minute won an award!

WHISTLE

NP: Thank you for that last little flurry Paul, saying what you did there, because it was nice to mention that as well. And...

SH: What award did they win?

NP: We won best comedy show.

PM: Just A Minute, thatís a quarter of an award youíve won!

KHH: Yeah!

SH: Ah!

KHH: Youíve played your part!

SH: Well today, not every, not all the time.

KHH: They knew you were coming.

SH: If you divide it by all the shows, Iíve probably only won about twentieth of an award.

PM: Yes but I was trying to sort of...

SH: Make me feel better?

PM: ... gild the lily!

SH: You made me feel better.

NP: Yes this show won the comedy award in this country this year and everybodyís very happy about that. And Paul Merton said it, and was blown when the whistle went... sorry!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KHH, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: Thatís the only reason why I do Just A Minute these days!

NP: Yes!

SH: (crying with laughter) Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

NP: He was blown away actually is what I meant to say...

PM: Thatís cleared it up enormously! Will you at this point....

NP: I think itís the heat...

PM: .... be painting a picture for the audience at home, telling them that Clement is sitting next to me?

NP: And Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, heís one ahead of Sheila Hancock, sheís one ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey, and heís two ahead of Clement Freud. That is the order, and Kit Hesketh-Harvey itís your turn to begin, the subject, Wellington. Tell us something about Wellington in this game starting now.

KHH: He was born the youngest son of an Irish peer, with virtually no money at all. Ran up huge gambling debts, and had to go off and conquer Pune which he did in the nick of time in India. Came back showered with glory and then went into the Peninsula wall with Sean Bean or Shane Bain or Shayan Bayan or Sharn Barn or...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of or.

NP: Or.

KHH: Oh yes, there were lots of ors there, werenít there.

NP: Yes we canít have too many ors in this programme. So too many ors, 43 seconds, Wellington with you Clement starting now.

CF: If you leave Hyde Park Corner in a northerly direction, as you get to the... park...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of park sadly.

NP: Thatís right yes.

CF: Sorry.

NP: And there are 37 seconds on Wellington with you Paul starting now.

PM: Well itís an ideal shoe when youíre out in the country, in the middle of winter. You put it on your foot, and if youíre lucky enough to be, hello, people are waving at me again! What do you want?

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Deviation, those people are waving at you, itís got nothing to do with wellington.

PM: No, itíd only be deviation if they werenít waving at me!

NP: So Clement, correct challenge, 29 seconds, Wellington starting now.

CF: In the location which I described thereís a statue which says ďto Arthur, Duke of Wellington, and his brave comrades in arms, this statue of Achilles...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of statue.

NP: You had statue in the first bit, thereís a statue there and now another statue. So 19 seconds for you Paul on Wellington starting now.

PM: And itís a remarkable way to walk around in rural nature. Because the mud can flip up to your trousers before you know where you are. But if youíve got a good pair of wellingtons on, then you feel free to walk across, see the sun slanting...

BUZZ

NP: Kit has challenged you.

KHH: Heís walked about three times now.

NP: Yes you walked, you walk across the way and you put the wellingtons on and you walk.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes you did Paul.

PM: Doesnít sound like me!

NP: Probably because those people are waving at you still. Right, Kit Hesketh-Harvey you have the subject of Wellington and there are six seconds available starting now.

KHH: Itís an absolutely disgusting way to drink beef...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Ah deviation and hesitation, you canít drink beef and he hesitated.

NP: Sheila, four seconds, Wellington starting now.

SH: Wellingtons were written about by the Duke because he wanted...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancock got that extra point, sheís now one point behind our leader Paul Merton, sheís a few ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud. And she also begins the next round. Sheila the subject is how I keep my house clean. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

SH: Well if I might say so, thatís a very sexist question. You wouldnít have presented that to Paul or Clement or Kit. Itís because Iím a woman that it is assumed that I keep my house clean. Which I donít! Itís filthy! And I have this broom thatís worn down to the wood (starts laughing)...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KHH: I think to save us from the accusation of sexism, I would like to take the subject now.

NP: Well I would like you to have it, to save us all from sexism...

KHH: But there was a hesitation as she giggled.

NP: Yes she did hesitate, she giggled.

KHH: With her scrubby little brush.

NP: So Kit, you tell us something about how I keep my house clean, 43 seconds starting now.

KHH: I take my cue from organic gardeners who use ladybirds to eat their aphids. I put cockroaches all over the floor and they act like little hoovers. Mice, I find, are very useful for dusting the little corners that you canít reach...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of little.

KHH: Was there? Iím sorry.

NP: And there are 32 seconds, back with you Sheila, on how I keep my house clean starting now.

SH: I might actually ask Kit for some advice. Because I never know where to begin. When I was young, I used to be very good at it. Every Saturday morning...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: I think the heatís getting to her and we ought to stop her before she deviates any more.

NP: Whatís the challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

KHH: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KHH: I donít know, she was talking about when she was young being good at it on a Saturday morning. And I donít, I donít think thatís much to do with the subject on the card Nicholas.

NP: But she was not deviating or hesitating or repeating anything...

KHH: Was she not?

NP: So she was not.

KHH: Oh well in that case...

NP: The audience enjoyed your, your bawdy remark so we give you a bonus point for that. Sheila gets a point for being interrupted and there are 22 seconds available Sheila starting now.

SH: When my mum was at work, I used to clean the house from top to bottom. I was a little angel. The secret is to do the dusting first, before you hoover. Nowadays thereís all sorts of squeezy things for the windows, mirrors, tiles, floor, something different for every item...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancock started with the subject, kept going, had lots of interruptions, so gained lots of points because they were all incorrect. And she has moved forward into the lead ahead of Paul Merton by three points. And ahead of course of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud in that order. And Paul itís your turn to begin, the subject now is financial advisors. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PM: Well if you talk to a financial advisor, you often find that their advice comes down to one thing. I want some of your money! I donít really understand the point of financial advisors unless of course you are like me, who is slightly innumerate. I got Grade Five, CSE maths. I donít know how I managed that really. I suppose I spelt my name right at the top of the paper! And so when I look at massive sums and monetary, fiscal affairs, I do get a little bit lost. I donít really understand whatís going on. And so I suppose in these circumstances a financial advisor should be someone I should welcome in to the bosom of my house and say ďhere it is, hereís my wallet...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila challenged.

SH: Houses donít have bosoms.

PM: You donít know where I live.

NP: He was talking metaphorically. If you can say the bosom of your family, then you can say the bosom of your house.

SH: No you canít, Nick!

NP: Bosom of your house is all right with me Paul. And you have 28 seconds, financial advisors starting now.

PM: In my home, I think of the kitchen as the cleavage...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

KHH: You did say home before, Iím sorry.

PM: No, I said house. I said house and home.

NP: Paul an incorrect challenge, financial advisors still with you, 26 seconds starting now.

PM: I went to see a financial advisor recently in the Charing Cross area. And he looked at me very steadily and he said ďI have some financial advice for you now. It will cost you 25 guineas per minute, but I am quite prepared to give you the extent of my fundamental and wide reaching knowledge in the matter of these areas.Ē And I said ďokay, off you go, what financial advice do I need?Ē And he said ďwell Iím going to say this very slowly in the hope that the whistle will go before I get to the end of this because I donít really know what Iím talking about...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: And you achieved it Paul, so you started with the subject, finished with it, and points in the round including one for speaking as the whistle went and you are back equal in the lead with Sheila Hancock. Followed by the other two and Clement Freud, your turn to begin, the subject now is fun fairs. Tell us something about fun fairs in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I remember a racehorse in the 1970s called Fun Fairs. And I thought surely they have made a mistake, it should be Fun Fair. But no, the plural was used. I watched it at Devon and Exeter, Wincampton, Salisbury, and then when he ran in Huntingdon I won a lot of money, though I lost much of that at Fakenham, Sedgefield, Utoxeter, Nottingham...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Surely heís talking about racing as opposed to fun fairs.

NP: No he talked about a horse which was called Fun Fairs. And he said he followed this horse. So I donít think strictly speaking he is deviating within the rules of Just A Minute.

SH: Heís being very crafty!

NP: I have to interpret it, these things. Clement, an incorrect challenge, fun fairs still with you, 36 seconds starting now.

CF: We have a fun fair that comes to Suffolk nearly every year. And it is huge fun. There are roundabouts and horses upon which you can ride, music...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: Oh no, horses wasnít it. Yeah I thought, yes very clever Clement. Youíre such a past master of this. Heís the eminence gris and I hail him!

NP: Well said, though incorrect challenge. Clement, 26 seconds, fun fairs starting now.

CF: A hurdy-gurdy is particularly amusing to me, although Iím too old in many ways to enjoy the complete pleasure which other people can get, jumping and bouncing up and down, putting one leg on either side of the contraption and paying...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila you challenged.

SH: Iím sorry, thatís not a hurdy-gurdy. Isnít a hurdy-gurdy a musical thing?

NP: Thatís right, itís one of those things you wind like that.

SH: Yes, yes, you donít, you donít sit astride it.

NP: No.

KHH: You do if youíre the monkey, you never know, he might be a chimpanzee.

NP: No and he has a little monkey on top as well.

KHH: Clement could be that monkey if itís a big hurdy-gurdy!

NP: He couldnít get astride it anyway, I assure you of that! So well challenged Sheila...

PM: So your judgement is if Clement was a monkey, he wouldnít be able to get astride the hurdy-gurdy?

NP: No, that is not my opinion, no! I just, I just...

PM: So if he was a monkey, he would be able to get astride it?

KHH: He shares a lot of DNA!

NP: Yes weíve had the chimpanzee, ah, weíre not going to have that any more. No it was a correct challenge, a hurdy-gurdy was not what he was describing. And Sheila got in with a correct challenge of deviation. Fun fairs is with you Sheila now, seven seconds starting now.

SH: Thereís a particularly lovely fun fair called Carterís which is a steam engine run thing with coloured horses...

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: The whistle went as the buzzer came in, but therefore I accept the whistle first. Sheila you were speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, youíre now one ahead of Paul Merton as we move into the final round. Kit Hesketh-Harvey is a few points behind and then Clement Freud almost equal with Kit. As we move into the final round, and Kit itís your turn to begin, and the subject is yawning. The heat here has made one or two people go, but talk on the subject of yawning, 60 seconds starting now.

KHH: Itís absolutely chasmic here in the Drill Hall. The heat is blistering! There are people with spinach on their teeth. I can see all the way to Row D from here. Itís like the Black Hole of Calcutta! No wonder theyíre yawning, weíre starved of oxygen, this may be the last you ever hear from any of us as we sink into the final oblivion of death...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Buck up! Come on! We can get through this!

LAUGHTER FROM KHH AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: You know itís not over! I mean, admittedly thereís not enough oxygen to keep a ladybird alive, but you know, if weíre going to go, letís all go together! Show íem weíre British!

NP: Right. Well said Paul...

PM: Yes!

NP: But have you got a er...

PM: I just thought the spirit was lacking. We needed to get going.

NP: Yeah but have you got a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: No!

NP: Right! You get a bonus point for your interruption because the audience enjoyed it. We all enjoyed it actually. But Kit, it was an incorrect challenge so you get a point for that, and you still have yawning and you have 40 seconds starting now.

KHH: I can see Nicholas Parsonsí dental fixative. But itís brilliantly inspiring! I shall continue as exhorted to, by my co-host here.... no, heís not, is he...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Heís not a co-host.

NP: No, heís a co-panellist.

SH: Heís just a member of the team.

KHH: Weíre all just members of the team.

SH: Weíre all members of the team.

KHH: Members standing proudly, proudly in our final stand, yes!

SH: Shoulder to shoulder!

NP: Right Sheila yes...

SH: Iíve forgotten what the subject is! What is it?

NP: Yawning.

SH: Oh yawning. Oh God.

NP: Yes and you have 30 seconds starting now.

SH: Yawning gaps open up in front of everybody in their lives. But somehow with this team, weíll get across it and win through. There is nothing more depressing when you do a show than to see people sitting in the front row yawning. The rest of the audience could be standing...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, itís more depressing when they just walk out!

NP: Thatís a very good challenge, I agree, and 14 seconds, on the subject of yawning starting now.

PM: One of the most charming of all Suffolk villages. It has a population of four hundred and twenty-six, a post office, a pub The Golden Goose. I love to spend my summer holidays in Yawning. When you go down and see the old town hall...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I said before, this was to be the last round, and unfortunately it is. We have no more time to play.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: There we are...

PM: Yeah but think of the fresh air.

NP: In spite of the heat. The final situation, something unusual, Clement Freud who is so astute at this game finished for once in fourth place. Just behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey in third place. Sheila Hancock and Paul Merton when they were last together on Just A Minute, finished up equal as winners. They were almost equal again. But unfortunately at that last moment Paul pipped her by one point. So Sheila was in second place, but by only one point ahead is Paul Merton. But letís give them both a round of applause! And it only remains for me to say thank you to these four hot tired players of the game who have excelled themselves in spite of the heat, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Sheila Hancock and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. I thank Janet Staplehurst who has helped me keep the score, sheís blown her whistle so delicately. We thank our producer Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are truly grateful to our audience who put up with the heat and the lack of ventilation here at the Drill Hall in London to cheer us on our way. Tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute! Till then from me Nicholas Parsons and all the panel good-bye! See you again soon! Bye!

THEME MUSIC