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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GRAEME GARDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 August 1982)
NOTE: Graeme Garden's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and Graeme Garden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And this week we have three of our regulars, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and ah... er... LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE BUZZ NP: Yeah someone’s buzzed. Clement Freud yes of course! DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation actually. NP: And we welcome back Graeme Garden. Once again I am going ask our four contestants to speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we’ll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is what makes me excited. As you regularly get excited in the programme, I’m sure you can tell us something on the subject, 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: It is the prospect of watching something where there is a battle of wits involved, or even a kind of intellectual exercise with a degree of abrasive criticism. Where I feel the entire mental faculty, so to speak, is engaged. And immediately it’s as though all the hackles were rousing, and the adrenaline is flowing at twice the speed again and against of course... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. KW: He’s fell in it again, didn’t he! NP: Yes! KW: You mean I’ve lost the subject? NP: No, you haven’t! KW: Oh well what... where am... NP: He fell into it as you say. You get a point for a correct challenge... KW: Oh quite right! NP: And you keep the subject... KW: Yes! Quite right! NP: And there are 28 seconds on what makes me excited... KW: What’s the subject? NP: What makes me excited starting now. KW: It was always the London Palladium where I actually saw Jack Benny appear. It was a marvellous... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of “it was”. NP: It was. KW: Oh that’s a small thing, “it was”. NP: But you did... KW: You can say little things twice. NP: But you did make a great point of saying “it was”. KW: I think it’s most ungallant to treat someone like myself in this cavalier fashion! I mean after all, I’m not just anybody! I’m a cult figure! I mean... NP: Kenneth! You said that many weeks ago... KW: I don’t care whether... NP: Ah Derek Nimmo you have a correct challenge so you take over the subject of what makes me excited, there are 21 seconds left starting now. DN: What makes me excited is sitting in front of a great big cult like Kenneth Williams! Hearing him expound his curious philosophy about the world! And as I look at him, I think goodness me, if only I were like him. And excitement runs through my veins! I sometimes come out in a hot flush when I see him sitting in front of me. And I want to go towards him... WHISTLE NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Derek Nimmo who was telling us he’d like to be like Kenneth Williams, and nobody challenged him for that idea. Derek would you begin the next round, the subject is house breaking. House breaking, I don’t know whether you have experience of it, but if you could talk about the subject in the game starting now. DN: Well I’ve never actually done any house breaking, I must confess. But I have been broken into, not personally, you understand, but my house. And I didn’t really care for it awfully. It happened about a year ago and I was away at the time. And the fellow tried to get in with a jemmy and then some bit of plastic, and a great big hammer and things. But eventually rather curiously, he took a whole glass pane out of the window and just stepped inside. Over all the burglar alarms and everything. And made off with the family silver, not much there was it of really. But never mind, he took it away with him. Some picture books... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Away twice. NP: Yes it was, away yes. So Kenneth a correct challenge, 31 seconds on house breaking starting now. KW: I think it’s absolutely disgusting! And I would like to see the stocks returned and have them shoved in such an appalling device as a punishment! House breaking is against the law! And when it occurred to me, I lost two very nice pairs of shoes, and they were specially made for me for this play I was supposed to be in. And they got two pairs in case I fell... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Four pairs. KW: I said “a pair” and then I said “pairs”! Two pairs! You great fool! How dare you! NP: Well I must say it sounded to me very much like, from where I’m sitting, two pairs. KW: I said “lost a pair” first! NP: Did you? KW: And then I said “two pairs”. DN: Two very nice pairs, no, you did. NP: Well Clement Freud is sitting next to you, and he can hear best, because he’s closest, when you’re speaking as quietly as that. We will... since Clement is supporting you, we will give you the benefit of the doubt and tell you that you have four seconds on house breaking starting now. KW: The police invited me round to the station and they said “we feel deeply for you...” WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And after all the talking he’s done, you won’t be surprised to hear that he’s definitely in the lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo is following, Graeme Garden and Clement Freud have yet to speak, I think. CLEMENT FREUD: Hello! GRAEME GARDEN: Hello Clement! NP: Clement will you begin the next round please. The subject is settling down. LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth definitely needs to settle down after the excitement that he’s created. But there are 60 seconds on that subject Clement, starting now. CF: There are really very few other ways to settle than down. Though sideways I suppose you could make out a lukewarm case for. And up is all right if you like that sort of thing. On Thanksgiving Day last year, or the year before if you are listening to a repeat, I... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well we had two years. NP: Yes, last year and the year before if you are listening to a repeat. The word year... gosh! The way he looks as if how dare we give it against him! You er Derek you... CF: Petty! Petty! Petty! NP: ... have 41 seconds on settling down starting now. CF: Petty! DN: Oh the horror of coming back to school after a long holiday, and having to settle down to the classroom routine once more. I... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, it’s years since he went back to school! NP: It may be years but he still wasn’t deviating from the subject. He could have been talking about one of his children or his grandchildren. Um there are 35 seconds Derek on settling down starting now. DN: Actually I haven’t done one of these programmes for some little time, and I do think that... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams... KW: That is painfully obvious! NP: Derek you have a wrong challenge, so you have a point for that. It shows you how fair and generous I am, you keep the subject. You have 31 seconds to continue on settling down starting now. DN: It is, gosh, it’s terribly difficult to settle down isn’t it, when there’s been a tremendous outbreak, a surge of enthusiasm on this programme. When you’ve heard Kenneth Williams singing the songs of the music hall. When you’ve heard... Parsons... BUZZ DN: Oh! NP: Graeme Garden challenged. GG: Ah I don’t think I dare, actually! A couple of heards. DN: Absolutely! You’re so clever! NP: Yes! Graeme, he was just about to say something very derogatory about me, so I’m very pleased you’ve challenged. DN: Beautifully listened! CF: Very intelligent challenge! NP: Ah there are 21 seconds for you to talk on settling down starting now. GG: Settling down in an armchair is something that I’ve always found extremely difficult. Because the arms of the particular instrument you’re trying to settle down in are always... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well he talked about an armchair and then he said an instrument. And by no, by no means can we call... NP: No! I agree, I don’t think we can call it an instrument. KW: ... that an instrument! Good gracious me! I’ve never heard such... NP: If it was, it would be more like a dentist’s chair. KW: Yes! Yes! Yeah! Very good! You’re very astute, Mister Chairman! GG: No, no, that’s a musical kind of instrument... NP: Oh dear, what you suffer by coming into this game. But thank you Kenneth, nice thought! Eleven seconds for you on settling down starting now. KW: I settled down the other night with some fizzy salts which I can’t name because of the Corporation’s ruling upon that subject. But the result was an explosion... WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round, Kenneth Williams gained an extra point of course for speaking as the whistle went. And he’s keeping his lead, but he’s only now one point ahead of Derek Nimmo. We now come to Graeme Garden to begin. Moving from the subject of settling down, we now move to the subject of settling up. There are 60 seconds starting now. GG: Although you can settle down in the Home Counties, or Australia, Canada, or any number of other such places, in the mountainous... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation, there are no such places. There’s Australia, they’re all autonomous, special, cherished. NP: I think you could assume there were other places... KW: There’s nothing like Australia! That’s the only place where you can find the marsupial. It’s ludicrous to say ‘such places”. I agree with Clement, he’s quite right! Don’t you agree? Don’t you agree? SHOUTS OF “YES” FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Yes, they all agree! NP: There are six people agree, the rest disagree. Graeme Garden, you still have the subject... KW: Oh it’s a disgrace! NP: There are 50 seconds on settling up starting now. GG: In the vertical... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: No! You have 49 seconds on settling up Graeme, starting now. GG: Switzerland is the only place in the world where you have to settle up... That is... BUZZ GG: .... definition of hesitation! NP: Yes! So high he hesitated, and Derek has the subject, and that are 43 seconds, settling up Derek, starting now. DN: Say, this enormous great fellow came up to me and said “look, are you going to settle up?” And I said “well I’m sorry, okay, fine, I’m sorry, how much is it?” He said “50 quid”. I said “five-zero pound notes?” He said “yes”. Well I said “all right, okay, fine, all right...” BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Three “I said's. NP: Yes and “all right”. Right, 30 seconds are left for the subject of settling up, it’s with you starting now. KW: It’s a loathsome thing to have to do. And it’s usually demanded in a sort of buff coloured envelope, which I find peculiarly offensive. And I always endeavour to get the wretched things out of the way as quickly as is humanly possible, with the help of a very charming man... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I just don’t think Kenneth could do anything, well he said quick, as quickly as humanly possible. I think he’s a sort of a, I suggest he’s not entirely human! There’s a sort of a pixie-like quality which... NP: I think you are struggling on a very devious challenge Derek! And I disagree and Kenneth keeps the subject, four and a half seconds... DN: He’s a sort of hobgoblin, isn’t he? NP: ... settling up Derek, Kenneth starting now. KW: The best way to do it is a little bit put aside... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth has increased his lead at the end of that round. And Derek Nimmo’s in second place, Graeme Garden’s is trailing a little with Clement Freud. And Kenneth it’s your turn to begin, the subject now is the hole in Noah’s Ark. Can you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now. KW: The title of this subject is somewhat misleading since there was more than one hole. The holes in question could have been eyes and certainly mouths. Mouths out of which came cries... BUZZ NP: Graeme Garden challenged. GG: Repetition of mouths. KW: Oh yes that is very good! NP: Yes! Yes! Fifty-two seconds are left Graeme... KW: You’re not, you’re not just a pretty face! NP: ... for you to talk on the subject of the hole in Noah’s Ark... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE GG: Have I started yet? NP: No, you haven’t started. BUZZ NP: Derek challenged but Kenneth got a laugh, I don’t know what he said so I can’t um... DN: He said that you weren’t just a pretty face! NP: No, you just said that! Ah Graeme, 52 seconds, the hole in Noah’s Ark starting now. GG: It is quite astounding the amount of damage that a pair of termites can do. And of course on Noah’s Ark there were a ... couple of... BUZZ NP: Yes Kenneth? KW: No, I didn’t challenge. Not my bell. NP: Your light came on. KW: Well it’s all a mix-up with the electrics. I thought Derek... NP: So... KW: I saw Derek press, I don’t know what he was up to. NP: Well your light came on, do you want to test it? KW: It’s a mix-up with your electrics, it’s your electrics that are wrong, and your wiring. It’s your wiring... NP: If you want to know at home what this means... KW: It’s your AC, I can never tell whether you’re AC or DC! NP: ... I have a series of lights in front of me and that’s how I can tell who presses their buzzer. Then it was Derek Nimmo. In other words you don’t want to challenge? KW: I can’t remember! It must have been an impulse. It must have been an impulse, you see. I’ve got a lot of impulses! Because I’m a cult figure you see, and I have these impulses. NP: Oh for goodness sake, don’t let’s go into that! So your light came on, are you accepting the challenge or not? KW: No, I never challenged anyone, no! NP: Right... KW: No I would never do that. As a cult figure, I would regard that as... NP: So then Graeme Garden keeps the subject... KW: Oh, most certainly! Very worthy! Very worthy! NP: ... with a point an incorrect challenge which is the only right decision and there are 43 seconds for you to continue Graeme on the hole in Noah’s Ark starting now. GG: The watertight bottom of Noah’s Ark was riddled with holes and tunnels and tiny passages caused by these nibbling insects... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well if it was riddled with holes, it wouldn’t be watertight! NP: No! I quite agree! GG: Ah but none of the holes actually passed from the outside to the inside. They were going along! DN: Oh I see! Oh I see! NP: As he’s our guest, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and let him continue for 33 seconds on the hole in Noah’s Ark starting now. GG: The elephants were taking their morning constitutional along a particularly weak part of the boards which were keeping the water from pouring into Noah’s Ark. But as I have just... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: We’ve gone an awful long time, and we haven’t heard anything about the hole. And that is the subject, the hole in Noah’s Ark. NP: Yes and he was on... KW: And so I think it’s deviation. NP: Yes he was on about the elephants. GG: I was preparing the way for it. NP: Mmm? No you went quite a long while. DN: No, no, really, I mean, poor fellow. NP: Kenneth you have the subject, there are 20 seconds on the hole in Noah’s Ark starting now. KW: The whole in Noah’s Ark was an incredible whole. Because the wholeness, we could say, was the integral, exceptional, content of all the things which stocked the world and gave us food and plumage and eggs and all kinds of lovely, you know... WHISTLE KW: I know why no-one challenged! They didn’t want the subject! NP: Well you, you’ve really, really excelling yourself this week Kenneth. You not only got the lead quite early, you’ve kept it, you’re way out there in front. And Derek Nimmo and Graeme Garden are trailing a little, and Clement Freud behind them. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, eating biscuits in bed. Will you tell us something about that starting now. DN: Eating biscuits in bed is something which I very seldom do. Because frankly I don’t possess any pyjamas, and my wife doesn’t have a nightie. So it makes it desperately uncomfortable if you do have these biscuits in bed, because the crumbs go absolutely everywhere and get caught up in the most unlikely places. It’s really totally horrid... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Well it’s even more unlikely if you wear pyjamas and nighties, isn’t it. In more unlikely places. There are more unlikely places for biscuit crumbs to get to, the more you have on. NP: I think, I think actually though it was very embarrassing, I think Derek’s point was that there are more unlikely places if you are not wearing pyjamas. KW: Deviation! I wasn’t in the least embarrassed and neither was anybody else here! I can’t see one red face! Nobody was embarrassed, were they Derek? DN: I don’t think so. KW: No! Not embarrassed at all! NP: Anyway I disagree with the challenge... KW: Oh we’re not having that! You’ve got to go back on it and say “yes I’m sorry, you’re quite right, it wasn’t embarrassing”! You ought to apologise for making these ridiculous assumptions and misleading everyone into imagining... NP: I think you should shut up for a bit! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Oh that’s a nice way to talk to a cult figure, isn’t it! That’s a nice thing to say! That’s very, that’s good manners! That’s good manners! NP: Some of the audience seem to agree anyway! So Derek you continue on with the subject, there are 43 seconds on eating biscuits in bed starting now. DN: I remember one time I was eating biscuits in bed, it wasn’t so much really as nibbling a crumpet I think, but I... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, if it was a crumpet, it wasn’t a biscuit! Deviation. NP: I agree Kenneth so you take the subject with 22 seconds, eating biscuits in bed starting now. KW: I do this when I am staying in luxurious hotels and they send up this delicious plate of Garibaldies which I specially request because I love those little currants stuck in and on them. And I eat them with a kind of relish which I would not display in... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Relish with biscuits? NP: A very good challenge but he wasn’t referring to that particular relish that you eat. So another point for Clement Freud because we like the challenges, keep ‘em coming. Six seconds are left with Kenneth still, eating biscuits in bed starting now. KW: And then it occurred when it was a chocolate one and the landlady said there’s a very nasty stain... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: That’s deviation, there are no chocolate Garibaldi biscuits. NP: But it wasn’t, he had got a long way away... KW: I wasn’t discussing that, I’d gone on to another thing about biscuits and there’s chocolate biscuits you know, you great... NP: He’d gone a long way away from Garibaldi. So Kenneth, one and a half seconds left on eating biscuits in bed starting now. KW: And when they said “how did they...” WHISTLE NP: Kenneth is still keeping his lead and Clement Freud begins the next round, the subject Clement, describing myself to the listener. Will you tell us something or do that in the game starting now. CF: Well as the listeners can see, I’m wearing a blue tie and am sitting next to a cult figure! Who tends to sing “love is a something thing” every now and again at weekly intervals. My shoes are size 10, wide fitting. Socks tend to be blue, navy... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two blue. NP: Oh yes you had a blue tie, and now you’ve got blue socks. CF: Gosh yes! Well done! NP: So you have the subject and there are 37 and a half seconds, describing myself to the listener starting now. DN: Middle aged, white caucasian male, prematurely greying at the forehead... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation! He looks like a young juvenile! It’s ridiculous to talk in this fashion! DN: Give Kenneth a point! KW: he’s doing himself down! He’s doing himself no good! I won’t have it! I won’t hear, I won’t hear him denigrate himself like this! You all agree! He looks lovely, don’t you! SHOUTS OF “YES” FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: There you are! It’s deviation, he was miss, misdirecting there! NP: But he was still speaking the truth. KW: What kind of chairman is he? NP: I try to be fair and accurate! No I mean he does look like a juvenile and he acts like a juvenile! But he was being very honest and saying that he was middle aged. And er to be middle aged and to look like Derek Nimmo is a great achievement, so he wasn’t deviating. So Derek... CF: Or middle aged! NP: ... you continue with the subject and there are 33 seconds, describing myself to the listeners starting now. DN: Beetle browed, deep-set eyes of a lustless fue... that’s a funny thing to say isn’t it! BUZZ KW: Yes deviation. NP: Yes and hesitation, 26 seconds for you Kenneth now, describing myself to the listeners starting now. KW: Well it is a pity that you are not here to see the loveliness that I am actually composed of. The eyes have been described as Mediterranean blue. And since I come under that star sign, Pisces, I am enormously fond of water. Nothing pleases me more than sailing on a yacht or even taking the tiller. In a moment of abandon I have been known... WHISTLE NP: Well this is a most unusual show in the sense that Kenneth Williams keeps getting the subject, keeps speaking as the whistle goes and keeps increasing his lead. Graeme Garden you begin the next round please, the subject, Boadicea or Boodicca as some people, I believe, pronounce it. But which ever way would you talk on the subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now. GG: Boadicea or Boodicca as she is more often, or rather, more correctly called... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Two mores. NP: Yes I’m afraid so. Clement you’re in there with 54 seconds left on Boadicea starting now. CF: I’ve never heard her called Boodicca. But Boe as I know her by, had horses, and galloped, trotted, walked, cantered, horses, cows... BUZZ NP: Graeme. GG: Horses. CF: No, horse. And then horses. Singular, followed by plural. GG: You said “she had horses”. I thought he said “she had horses”, and then went on to describe what the horses did. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I was going to put it to the audience but they’ve responded themselves spontaneously. We have a very spontaneous audience here. So 42 seconds for you on Boadicea, Graeme starting now. GG: Boadicea was the Queen of a Tribe known as the eye-see-nai, the Pathfinders. And they lived in the Fenns of Norfolk in the cold, windswept... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: The Fenns of Cambridgeshire. NP: Yes, the Fenns are not in Norfolk. So I mean, Lincolnshire... GG: Well they were then! NP: Clement, 31 seconds on Boadicea starting now. CF: Just at the top of the Mall, there is a statue to Queen Boadicea... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: The statue to Boadicea is not at the top of the Mall. CF: It depends from which end you come. KW: There is no way you could describe it as the top of the Mall. NP: Kenneth you still have the subject and you have 23 seconds on Boadicea starting now. KW: Responsible for pillaging and the sacking and the burning indeed of London at one point. And everyone fled in terror from her. She’s often held up as a great resistance leader against what was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Not everyone fled in terror. That’s why she took poison at the end, wasn’t it. KW: But I’m not talking about that period... DN: You said everyone fled in terror! NP: Oh dear! We can’t get into this! It was a good challenge... KW: You don’t know enough about history, you ignorant great nit! NP: I agree... KW: Oh I don’t know, he couldn’t run a whelk stall, let alone... NP: I agree... KW: It’s a joke isn’t it! NP: I agree with Derek Nimmo that some people did stand and fight so not everyone ran in terror. So Derek you have 11 seconds on the subject of Boadicea starting now. DN: Fortunately on the Isle of Anglesey, the Roman General Pelonius was waiting and came across the sea, and did battle with her. And... because, she had a point on her side, because they’d raped her daughters, you know. I’d forgotten about that... BUZZ NP: Graeme Garden challenged. DN: Raped! Raped! Terrible rape! NP: No, no, no, you’ve been challenged, before the rape you were challenged. DN: I know but I thought you might have forgotten about it! GG: He’s forgotten about it so he hesitated. NP: He hesitated, he did indeed. Graeme you’ve got in with two and a half seconds on Boadicea starting now. GG: Boadicea never actually ran a whelk stall! WHISTLE NP: Graeme’s nice line not only kept him going till the whistle went, gained the extra point, but also brings the round and the game to a close. So now I give you the final score. In the contest this week, Clement Freud, for once, finished in fourth place, most unusual for him but he was very generous in the way he played the game. DN: Which was also most unusual for him! NP: In third place, we welcome back Graeme Garden who did very well. He was only just behind Derek Nimmo in second place. But way out in a predominant lead, never such a lead has he had in the game, eight points ahead of the number two in the game, it was Kenneth Williams, our winner! So let me tell you that we have finished the game, we’ve enjoyed playing it, we hope that you at home have enjoyed listening and will want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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