JAM:PMerton,KHesketh-Harvey,LTarbuck,CCollingwood
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, LIZA TARBUCK and CHARLES COLLINGWOOD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 January 2004)

NOTE: Susie Best's first appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my tremendous pleasure to welcome our many listeners, not only in this country, but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme four attractive and talented players of this game. I mean who can resist the spontaneous humour and brilliant repartee of Paul Merton? Who can resist the charm and personality of Liza Tarbuck? Who can resist the wit and clever annunciations and observations of Kit Hesketh-Harvey? And who can resist the engaging personality of that fine actor, Charles Collingwood? Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Susie Best, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the City Varieties, that wonderful theatre in the heart of that fine city of Leeds. And as you can hear we have a fine tuned up Yorkshire audience in front of us ready to cheer us on our way. Letís begin the show with Paul Merton, and who better? Oh Paul, a very apt subject to start with, music hall. Because this theatre is one of the most famous music hall theatres in the country and it is still going strong. The subject is music hall, Paul and you start now.

PAUL MERTON: Well, as Nicholas just said, the City Varieties, Leeds is one of the oldest theatres in the country. If you look back through the record books you will see that Charlie Chaplin appeared here in 1896 with an act called the Eight Lancaster... oh!

BUZZ

PM: Sorry about that!

NP: Liza Tarbuck you challenged.

LIZA TARBUCK: Itís stumbling, wasnít it.

NP: Yes.

LT: I leapt in.

NP: So you leapt in and we call that hesitation right...

LT: Hesitation of course.

NP: So Liza, you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of music hall and there are 47 seconds available starting now.

LT: When I was young, I made my name by appearing in various music hall acts. The first one was me in a barrel as a strong man. Iíd lie very low in the barrel and I...

BUZZ

NP: Kit has challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Very sorry, barrel.

LT: Thank the Lord!

NP: You repeated your barrel, you had too much of a barrel there, right.

KHH: Roll out those barrels!

NP: So weíre going to hear from three of them in this first round on the subject of music hall...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Perhaps I should explain to our listeners that friesance of laughter that occurred then. Because only three of them are here at the moment! Charles Collingwood, who works in another show on Radio Four called The Archers, has left his production in Birmingham to come up here to Leeds. And unfortunately the traffic is so bad, he is on his way. We hope that heíll be here before we finish! But Kit you had a correct challenge, you have 36 seconds, tell us something about music hall starting now.

KHH: I was overjoyed to discover I had an ancestress who worked this very hall. She was called Kitty Brewster, and divinely taught Queen Victoria to play the ukulele! This is true! Itís a glorious image if you sit and think of them at Osborne House strumming away together. She had a troupe of six girls, and was caught behind enemy lines before the Great War. And using only her instruments and her wiles, managed to make it back to her heroineís welcome here in these British shores. And what joy and rapture there was. Iím not quite sure what her wiles were but they...

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes you deserved that round of applause. But Paul got in, I know what it was, on the repetition of...

PM: Repetition of wiles.

NP: Of wiles yes and there are six seconds Paul, on music hall with you again starting now.

PM: The Good Old Days was a television programme transmitted from this very theatre. And Leonard Sachs, the chairman, used to stand up and say ďwhereís Charles Collingwood?Ē

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Paul Merton, so heís got that extra one. And oh at the end of the round, let me tell you, well, you can imagine what the situation is. Paulís got two and the other two have got one each, so thatís fine. Um...

KHH: What about Charles?

NP: Charles Collingwood... Charles Collingwood is yet to score. Heís, heís due to start the next round as well. Somebody in the front said hesitation! Ah...

PM: Should we not, should we not just do, give Charles his subject and see what happens?

NP: All right, all right Paul, very good idea, right! So Charles Collingwood, would you take the next round! And Charles the subject is a slippery slope. Would you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Repetition!

NP: Of what?

KHH: Because he didnít say anything last time!

NP: He hasnít had a chance yet!

PM: I think that was a harsh challenge Nicholas, I think we should give Charles another go!

NP: Yes! I think so!

KHH: Give him a point! Give the man a point!

NP: No, no, I know. That wasnít, wasnít a repetition definitely. So Charles there are, only one second to go, Charles there are still 59 seconds available on a slippery slope starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Ah Liza you challenged.

LT: Deviation.

NP: Why?

LT: Heís not paying attention!

NP: You can carry on in this game and not pay attention, it doesnít matter. Heís got another point, Charles has got another point, and er one for the first challenge, two incorrect challenges so far. Charles Collingwood, a slippery slope, still with you and 57 seconds starting now.

SILENCE

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul you challenged?

PM: Repetition of zoological gardens. No, Iím sorry, I panicked!

NP: I donít know why, youíve all been playing the game for a long time, you could have had him for hesitation. But nobodyís bothered...

LT: Oh!

KHH: Oh of course! How stupid!

PM: Well who knows, he might, he might make the same mistake!

NP: Thatís right, so thatís another point to Charles, because thatís an incorrect challenge, 56 seconds still with you Charles, a slippery slope starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Yes Liza?

LT: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes! So Liza you have a correct challenge and youíve got the subject of a slippery slope with you and there are 56 seconds starting now.

LT: The slipperiest slope Iíve ever been on was a skiing ridge in Austria in the town of Obergurgle. Let me tell you straight away Iím not very good at skiing. I started life at the back of the row of skiers and then I ended up at the front, at a precipice at one point which was quite worrying. I did have tonsillitis and I was always much better after two glasses of gluvine, but then isnít everybody? Iíd get down to the ski lodge about one oíclock, meet my mum and my brother, who was calling himself rather wittily a snow cat, and mock him for hours and... a long time...

BUZZ

LT: Where does it come from?

NP: Itís an impossible game! So Kit what was your challenge.

KHH: Well there was hesitation I think.

LT: Yes.

NP: It was hesitation because she couldnít resist saying hours again. So Kit youíve got in, another point to you, slippery slopeís with you, 22 seconds starting now.

KHH: The most slippery slope is the vitiginous rake here on the stage at the City Varieties Leeds. But I once went down the flumes at Centre Parks in Thetford which was like having a high colonic irrigation. Just astonishing! By the time I got to the bottom in a tangle of naked limbs with people from Dagenham, I was so cleansed and purified, I rejoiced at the thrill of it all... Oh!

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Ah hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. And youíve got in with one second to go...

KHH: Oh you pig!

NP: Oh, after the way he went so magnificently on his slippery slope. One second on slippery slope, Paul starting now.

PM: The slippery slope...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton got the point for speaking then as the whistle went and heís moved forward. And Kit itís your turn to begin, the subject is my favourite pudding. Thatís a lovely subject, talk on it, 60 seconds if you can starting now.

KHH: What can I say here in the City Varieties Leeds but that my favourite pudding is of course Yorkshire! What a prince of dishes that is! Curiously enough there was a competition held in this very city to try and find who could make the best of these puddings. It was won by a Chinaman pleasingly called Mister Tin. And his secret recipe was supposed to involve die-lick sauce. That turned out to be a Cantonese joke. But what he did was to put the flour and the salt into the eggs, rather than the other way round, which more conventionally is used, which you make a... well in the... (starts giggling)

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LT: Do you know what? It was repetition of city. Excuse me, whoís this?

KHH: No!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes!

LT: Hello, love! Youíre doing very well! Youíre second!

CHARLES COLLINGWOOD: Oh Iím up to my knees in slurry!

NP: Itís all right Charles, you made a magnificent entrance, but please donít milk it! Right someone challenged on...

LT: I challenged...

KHH: On cities.

LT: ... for repetition of city.

NP: Yes.

KHH: I think youíre right.

LT: Although it was hesitation.

NP: Well...

LT: Does that mean I get two points?

NP: No darling, you only get one. Sorry.

LT: Oh!

NP: You only have one hesitation. Anyway youíve got one point for a correct challenge, and you take over, itís my favourite pudding, by the way Charles, 26 seconds on my favourite pudding starting now.

LT: Iím a savouries girl at the end of the day. However occasionally I like two scoops of ice cream. Iíll go one chocolate, and uno vanilla, if youíre talking in Spain. Because that is where I would normally have my .... pudding...

BUZZ

LT: Oh!

NP: Kit has challenged.

LT: Oh I mean well.

KHH: Iím sorry, she hesitated as well.

LT: I know.

KHH: It was actually repetition of the two scoops but I think thatís a bit...

NP: I know, she got out of it so well with her Italiano...

LT: Two scoops.

NP: But Kit, you got in with a hesitation, 13 seconds available, another point to you of course, my favourite pudding starting now.

KHH: And it billows up like a cushion, crisp and golden, and in you tuck. You can put maple syrup into it...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Are cushions normally crisp and golden?

KHH: Have you seen Nicholasís?

PM: I think, I think itís deviation, cushions are never crisp...

NP: No...

PM: ... by nature, theyíre soft and giving and yielding.

NP: Thatís right yes.

PM: Theyíre never crisp. Youíve never sat on a crisp cushion, have you Nicholas?

NP: I have...

PM: I bet you have and all!

NP: I have! But I soon shot up because I knew it wasnít a proper cushion.

PM: Exactly!

NP: They may look crisp and golden, but they are soft and giving as you said Paul.

PM: Indeed.

NP: So you have a correct challenge of deviation, and you have six seconds on my favourite pudding starting now.

PM: Undoubtedly the best pudding I ever ate was at the Festival of Britain in 1951...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Paul again was speaking as the whistle went, and has increased his lead over the others. But itís very interesting. Charles Collingwood, who is yet to speak, is still in second place. Right Liza itís your turn to begin...

CC: Right Iím going home again!

NP: Liza the subject now is daytime television, you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

LT: As a rule, daytime television goes straight through from 6AM in the morning till 6AM the following... morning...

BUZZ

LT: That slippery old trap!

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Repetition of 6AM.

LT: Youíre absolutely right.

NP: Six anyway. Paul youíve got in with 54 seconds to go on daytime television starting now.

PM: When I was growing up, there wasnít much daytime television. Of course you have a great deal of it now. They start as Liza said, round about the early hours of the morning. And daytime television, by definition, I suppose, finishes when it gets dark although the actual medium continues. But itís all a load of rubbish isnít it. Iíve painted my house blue, youíve... done yours red...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Sorry hesitation.

NP: I would call that a slight hesitation, but enough to give you the subject.

KHH: Very cruel, Iím sorry.

PM: Fair point.

NP: No no. Thirty-five seconds on daytime television Kit, 35 seconds starting now.

KHH: Daytime television...

BUZZ

PM: Oh I thought there was a hesitation there!

NP: Kit...

KHH: You...

NP: Youíre playing the game with great panache Paul! But it was incorrect and Kitís got another point, 34 and a half seconds, daytime television starting now.

KHH: I donít think daytime television is in the least boring. When you see fragrant Hannah Gordon wafting through her water-colour challenge. Or even the craggy old majestic magnificence that is Michael Parkinson, a Yorkshireman, on his antiques programme, which I used to share with the divine Penny Smith, irresistibly sexy and sensual, as we judged old pieces handed to us by Eric Knowles. Going For A Snog, I hoped to call it, but it never got that far. Thereís also Call My Bluff with ripping little Sandi Toksvig, punching Alan Coren in the kneecaps. And ah...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kit Hesketh-Harvey making the subject interesting, and going until the whistle went, gained an extra point. And at the end of that round, he not only got the extra point, but he is only one behind our leader Paul Merton. Charles, your turn to legitimately start. The subject is bookworm starting now.

CC: The only time I could legitimately be called a bookworm is when Iím on holiday and I have time to lie by the side of that mezzanine pool, with a pile of gorgeous books that I have meant to read for many a year but because of a busy life...

BUZZ

NP: Kit has challenged.

KHH: Weíre having trouble over here with mezzanine pool. Isnít that deviation? I mean wouldnít the whole thing just sort of flow down the stairs?

NP: You have another point Kit, and you have 46 seconds on bookworm starting now.

KHH: Thereís a famous brain teaser about a bookworm. You have to imagine it chomping through three thousand page encyclopaedias on a shelf from A to Z. How many pages does it eat? Oh bother!

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Pages.

NP: No, it was page the first time.

KHH: Oh was it?

NP: Yes.

KHH: Oh you are alert Nicholas, arenít you?

NP: Itís my job!

LT: You surprised me then, Mister Parsons!

NP: So it was a singular then a plural.

KHH: I think sheís coming on to you, Nicholas!

NP: Well with her new dark hair, Iím absolutely tempted! The um, ah, an incorrect challenge so another point to you Kit, and how many seconds, 35 seconds on bookworm starting now.

KHH: From A to Z, how many does...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: We had from A to Z.

KHH: Iím sorry, I was picking up where I left off.

NP: So now you have it Paul, and 34 seconds, bookworm starting now.

PM: Well itís a derogatory term but it shouldnít be. Because to read books is the path to a good education. Those variety acts used to fill this theatre but in the 1950s. They didnít read books but they would have done, if theyíd had the opportunity...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Two reads.

NP: Yes you read books, yes read, they would read if they could...

KHH: Oh itís tricky when the subject is bookworm, isnít it, yes yes.

LT: Thatís right!

NP: Twenty-two seconds with you Charles...

KHH: Clever Nicholas.

NP: .... or back with you, bookworm starting now.

CC: Lying on a sandy...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

CC: Donít you...

PM: That was hesitation.

CC: Donít be so silly Paul!

PM: Yes absolutely! You could have parked a bus in that! Or driven, or driven from Birmingham!

CC: How could you! A man of impeccable timing...

NP: Heís only trying to get back at you for the unsporting challenge. But Iím always fair, it wasnít hesitation. So Charles youíve got another point, you have the subject, 21 seconds, bookworm starting now.

CC: It takes a long time to read an enormous amount of books, and to become a bookworm. Iím glad Iím not married to a bookworm, otherwise nothing in the house would ever get done...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: I had to come in on hesitation but also just for the sake of females everywhere!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You do, yes. And you have nine seconds to tell us something about bookworm starting now.

LT: This summer I read for the first time Philip Pullmanís trilogy about the little girl Lara and working in Oxford, roaming round the streets with her friend, walking through...

WHISTLE

NP: So Liza Tarbuck was then speaking as the whistle went, and gained that extra point. And sheís now, well, sheís moved forward, but sheís still in fourth place. But no, no, no, sheís not very far behind the other three. Kit itís your turn to begin, curiosities, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KHH: In the back streets of Norwich in Lowercote Lane, thereís a curiosity shop. You can tell which it is by the dead cats on the doormat. You go inside and a voice says ďI am!Ē Which is the shortest sentence in the English language. You say ďwhat a funny smellĒ. ďItís the cockroaches, itís a curiosity, but they carry on living for nine days after theyíve had their heads chopped off.Ē ďWhat do you sell here?Ē ďWindscreen wipers and laser jets, all invented by women, remarkably enough.Ē ďCan I have some lipstick please?Ē ďNo, because thereís none left, they use up five times their height in a lifetime. Would you like a stuffed porcupine, the only mammal which kisses on the lips?Ē ďYouíre barking mad,Ē I said, ďI must get out of here!Ē ďDonít go...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Yes you went well there...

KHH: Oh it was, I was scared, I was scared...

NP: Paul challenged.

KHH: It came unglued.

PM: Yes you said something about a mammal, the only mammal that kisses on the lips. Well humans kiss on the lips, donít they? Theyíre mammals!

KHH: I suppose technically, if you want to do that sort of thing.

PM: And also, a very long advert for this shop in Norwich, which surely must be against the BBCís charter.

NP: Ah 12 seconds, curiosities with you Paul, starting now.

PM: The most curious shop Iíve ever been to is in Norwich where I actually own the establishment and I dress up as this old proprietor. And when Kit Hesketh-Harvey comes in, I give him a right load of old bollocks about a load of old rubbish, and he sits there and loves it...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes, well that last point was well deserved, what a clever way, thatís why heís so good at the game. He takes the other subject and twists it back on his previous tormentor. Right, youíve now moved ahead, youíre two ahead of the other two and three ahead of Liza. And Charles, your turn to begin, the subject, the Great Wall Of China. Sixty seconds as usual Charles starting now.

CC: I can only think of one thing more boring than having to go and look at the Great Wall of China. Than being the person who built it all those many years ago. The thought of standing with bricks in your hands, putting one solid slab on top of the other, year after year, watching the...

BUZZ

LT: Classic!

CC: Itís been a very long day for me!

NP: It is! Oh no you did so well. You avoided saying one brick on top of the other...

CC: I know, and I was congratulating myself!

KHH: You relax and it all lets go, doesnít it.

NP: Paul right, the Great Wall of China, 42 seconds starting now.

PM: Apparently from the Great Wall of China, you can see the Moon! Isnít that an extraordinary fact! As Charles mentioned earlier, the Great Wall was built by, itís not actually finished yet, weíre expecting it to be done in a couple of weeks time if theyíre anything like the builders Iíve had in the past. But a magnificent structure that it is! And when they constructed this marvellous...

BUZZ

NP: Um Charles.

PM: Structure, constructed.

CC: Con, con, con....

NP: No it was construct and constructed.

CC: I was too quick!

NP: I know.

CC: Sorry Paul.

NP: You were too slow earlier on in the show. But now ...

CC: Story of my life, Nicholas!

KHH: Your juices are now flowing!

NP: Your contributionís great, donít worry Charles.

LT: Fox-trot isnít it, quick, quick, slow!

NP: Paul, an incorrect challenge, 22 seconds still available on the Great Wall of China starting now.

PM: One of the great variety acts of the 19th century was the Great Wall Of China. It was very dull but comprehensive. The act would usually begin at about half past four in the morning, and would carry on till about several weeks later, as brick by solid slab was placed on top of one another, year after 12 months. It seemed like there was no end to it! What a magnificent achievement it was...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh youíre getting your moneyís worth in the City Varieties!

CC: He made me look a bit of a, I thought he made me look a bit of a fool towards the end there!

NP: Nobody could ever do that Charles.

CC: No I think he did.

NP: Heís just shining...

CC: Iím on the edge here, I could just slip off again, you wouldnít notice.

NP: Heís excelling himself as he often does and right. But with those extra points Paul got in that round and one for speaking as the whistle went, heís moved forward. Heís now in a lead just ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and then comes Charles Collingwood and Liza Tarbuck only a couple of points behind. I give you that situation because weíre moving into the final round.

LT: Oh!

NP: Well Iíll tell you what. Would you like us to come back again?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I will fix that for you if I possibly can! Maybe the same audience will come and see us again, who knows! Right Liza would you take the last round, itís actually your turn as well. And the subject is, oh what a good one. Godís own county!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They recognise it in the front there. Everybody in the front row claps when they say anything. Itís lovely! Liza, 60 seconds starting now.

LT: I had a good idea that Godís own county might be up north. But to be quite honest with you, I thought for it the whole of Sunday, it was actually Kent. Then I moved through to Surrey. But in fact Iíve invented Godís own country and itís called Big-grey-beard-shire! I donít know how to get there, I donít know how to get back, and Iím not allowed to buy a holiday home, because if I do the local children wonít be allowed to stay in there and run the corner shop...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: There were two alloweds.

NP: Thatís right, yes there were indeed yes.

LT: Youíre very strict, arenít you.

NP: Well done Charles yes. So Charles...

LT: That was going to be really good then as well!

CC: It was, it was fascinating!

NP: By the way I should point out, you were talking about Godís own country, and the subject is Godís own county.

LT: Was I?

NP: Yes.

LT: I just, do you know, I donít know what the hell Iím doing here today!

NP: Well we know because we just love having you here Liza. Youíre so lovely and charming!

LT: Uncle Nicholas!

NP: And you can... our secretís out. Right Charles, you had a correct challenge, you have 45 seconds, tell us something about Godís own county starting now.

CC: I have to say that Godís own county is Borsetshire, is it not? Thereís only one...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Itís not, no! Youíre labouring under a delusion. It doesnít really exist!

CC: Twenty-eight years Iíve been doing this!

KHH: Itís a parallel universe, Charles!

NP: Iím sorry to have to tell you, itís all, itís all fiction Charles that youíre doing!

CC: Is it really?

PM: But hang on a minute! He must have travelled from somewhere to get here.

CC: I did, I came from Ambridge!

PM: Yeah.

NP: Right.

CC: In Godís own county. Iím rather cracking up!

NP: Itís a difficult decision because in a way, you could say in his imagination, and in the world in which he lives in The Archers, it could be Godís own county.

CC: Sure.

NP: So there is an argument for that as well...

PM: A lot of people think youíre fictional, donít they.

NP: Yes. And thatís why I stick to radio so... No, Iíve er, I give it away when I come on television, donít I. Right so Iím not going to allow it Charles...

KHH: Do you?

CC: Thank you.

KHH: Shall we try some and find out?

NP: Oh thank you audience, youíre so lovely, Iím definitely coming back again! Youíre almost as good as when I did my one man show here actually, you were lovely then!

LT: Oh hello.

NP: Yes.

CC: It wasnít quite this full though, was it Nicholas?

PM: Does the, does the one man element refer to the stage or the auditorium?

NP: Theyíre so mean to me, arenít they. And I take it in good grace. Because I know that audience know because many of them were here, and thatís why youíve come back again. I will get on it with if I possibly can

KHH: Because theyíve died!

NP: Charles you continue on Godís own county, 41 seconds starting now.

CC: (in Hampshire accent) Well I come from Hampshire and thatís my Godís own county, I can tell you. Winchester and Dover, Southampton, Portsmouth, all places that mean everything to me. I support the county cricket team, fricken fricken frew.

BUZZ

CC: That was Hampshire, that was just a bit of Hampshire dialect.

NP: I know it was, yeah, but it was repetitious Hampshire dialect.

CC: Yes, itís also very sad.

NP: And weíre very, itís very suspect too. I donít know about this fricken. So anyway...

CC: Fricken frew, no.

NP: Fricken frew. So Paul, repetition, you have 25 seconds on Godís own county starting now.

PM: Lancashire! What a wonderful place...

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Why they should react, I donít quite understand. Is there a rivalry between the two counties?

BUZZ

NP: Charles you challenged.

CC: Iím sorry, Iím sorry...

PM: Is there a rivalry?

CC: Iím sorry, in here that has to be deviation!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All I can say, in here itís courage! But Charles, a correct challenge, youíve got another point, 18 seconds, Godís own county starting now.

CC: If I lived in Yorkshire, Iím such a creep that I would say Yorkshire is Godís own county...

BUZZ

NP: And Paul...

CC: Do you mean I canít repeat Yorkshire here?

NP: No, no, no, you can repeat Yorkshire here, you can repeat Yorkshire here but you canít repeat it in Just A Minute which you did. Paul got in first and 12 seconds on Godís own county Paul starting now.

PM: When we think of the great achievements of Yorkshire over the centuries, we canít help but be awed by the magnificent that has been achieved. One only...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: The magnificent that has been achieved, was it?

NP: The magnificence that has been achieved.

KHH: Oh I thought it was magnificent. Sorry

PM: My pronunciation is...

KHH: I beg your pardon, diction dear. Fling it to the back of the upper circle, love here. Victor Spinetti said you have to put an E on the end of everything. Nicholas-ah Parsons -ah, Merton-ee.

NP: Heís gone a bit havenít you.

KHH: Iím sorry, no, he trained me, The Boy I Love Is Up In The Gallery, I remember doing here with him.

NP: Right right! I donít know what heís talking about but letís go on with the game! Paul you had an incorrect challenge, you have another point, youíre surging, your lead is surging forward as we come to the end with three seconds to go on Godís own county starting now.

PM: Beer, puddings, women, theyíre all better in Yorkshire!

WHISTLE

NP: So in suitable style Paul Merton brought this edition of Just A Minute to an end commenting on this place weíre in here, the City Varieties in Leeds. And they have a wonderful true Yorkshire audience, and that will be our memories, lovely audiences in Yorkshire too! That deserved a better reaction! I think you know the final situation. Liza was only just in fourth place, one behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey. No, no, thereís only one point between them all. Charles Collingwood one behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And a few points out in the lead was Paul Merton, so we say Paul, you are the winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Liza Tarbuck, Charles Collingwood. I also thank Susie Best who for the first time and magnificently has helped me with the score, and blown her whistle with such panache. We thank our producer-director, that is Chris Neill. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. We are deeply indebted to this lovely Yorkshire audience here in the City Varieties in Leeds. From the audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and our team good-bye! Tune in the next time we take to the air and we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC