JAM:CFreud,TSlattery,DWinton,HLederer
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON and HELEN LEDERER, , chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 2 June 1995)

NOTE: Dale Winton's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the radio show now on television because it has to be seen to be believed. My guests this week, well first of all on my left we have the captain of the London team. The Captain Bluebeard of improvised comedy, the very gorgeous Tony Slattery!

TONY SLATTERY: Thank you very much. And ladies and gentlemen, with me I have a superb actress and comedienne, who has written and performed in countless television series including Naked Video, Absolutely Fabulous, and Valerie Singleton The Wilderness Years. She has also been in her own one woman stage show and very successful it was too. She is the lovely and completely Barking Tonto, Helen Lederer!

NP: I have two regular stalwarts in Just A Minute. And on my right, the captain of the Midlands team. A man who picks up shoplifters and sends them home with cash prizes. The Host of Supermarket Sweep, it is Dale Winton!

DALE WINTON: Thank you, thanks Nicholas. And with me I have one of the great masters of the game of Just A Minute. Heís a politician, writer, broadcaster, British Rail sandwich maker and flying ace. Please welcome Sir Clement Freud!

NP: Yes! And this game us delightfully simple until you try to play it. Each player tries to make as many points as he can for themselves, and compete against the others. But most important, they also try to make as many points for their team as they can. It is the Midlands against London, which team will triumph today? Stay tuned and youíll find out. They have to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. The other three can challenge at any time they like. If I uphold the challenge, then they gain a point. And if I donít, whoever is challenged gains a point. It all becomes painfully obvious as we play the game. Dale, your turn to begin, the subject is wolves. You can take it any way you like, because I know there are plenty of wolves up in the Midlands. Sixty seconds starting now.

DW: Wolves is the affectionate term given by people who live in Wolverhampton. I know this because I was a resident for many years, three to be precise, where I worked on the local radio. Regional wireless is very interesting. In fact I presented a programme where the listeners would call in, off, offering requests and say...

BUZZ

NP: And ah yes...

TS: There was off, offering, there was a hesitation.

DW: Itís the way they talk up there! They say ďyah gonna give me a request on the radio, ah, ah, off!Ē Well Iím sorry, but I had to give it a go.

NP: You gave it a great go, and they enjoyed it, but it was complete rubbish. But anyway, no, you did very well. Wolves, you have a correct challenge Tony, a point to you, 42 seconds starting now.

TS: One of my favourite authoresses is Angela Carter, who wrote the extremely successful novel, The Company of Wolves. Bit bored now so Iím going to stop!

BUZZ

NP: And your partnerís cleverly got in when you stopped so you get a point for the team. So Helen your challenge?

HELEN LEDERER: Well he stopped, and of course that leads to a hesitation.

NP: We interpret that as a hesitation. So right, 17 seconds Helen, good to hear from you, wolves starting....

HL: Right...

NP: No, you, I say, I say ďstart nowĒ and then you begin. Starting now.

HL: Wolves is one of my...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Wolves are!

HL: No! No!

NP: You were about to talk about the football team, were you?

TS: Yes.

HL: Yeah!

NP: Which is the singular, the football team, the wolves.

HL: Yes.

NP: Well all right, Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt, though grammatically Clement, so we have to give Clement the bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge, because it was grammatically correct. But you also get a point for being interrupted, you have 14 seconds on wolves starting now.

HL: Wolves is my...

BUZZ

CF: Repetition!

NP: Repetition! So Clement, a point to you and 13 seconds available, wolves starting now.

CF: I have a certain affection for wolves, because not only do they play at Molyneux, but theyíve been...

BUZZ

NP: Um yes...

HL: Helen!

NP: Yes Helen?

HL: Molyneux, ah, you know, a deviation!

NP: No, they do play at Molyneux.

HL: Well Iíve never heard of them playing there!

NP: I love the way you play the game Helen, itís enchanting, but Iím afraid I canít give it to you. Clement gets a point for an incorrect challenge, keeps the subject, eight seconds, wolves starting now.

CF: But they were bought by Jack Hayward, who at one time had bought...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

TS: Repetition of bought.

NP: Repetition of bought is correct. You got in very cleverly...

TS: The look he gave me then, ladies and gentlemen!

NP: I was about to pay you a compliment, Mister Slattery.

TS: Not you, Clement!

NP: Oh Clement? Oh yes, well he always looks like that if he gets the subject taken away.

TS: Does he? Is it wind?

NP: Itís part of his technique. It could be, but I always thought it was his technique of playing the game. But ah you may have spotted something deeper than we realised before. Right, four seconds are available for you, cleverly got in on just before the whistle starting now.

TS: Molyneux is one of my favourite places and...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Clement?

CF: Weíve had favourite.

TS: Have we?

NP: Yes you did talk about favourite before.

TS: Well done!

NP: Well listened! Yes! You, you even more cleverly got in with only one second to go on wolves Clement starting now.

CF: Black and gold are very good colours...

WHISTLE

NP: Well whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains that extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud, heís now taken the lead at the end of that round. And he with Dale, on the Midlands team, are in the lead. Helen Lederer, whatís in my handbag, 60 seconds starting now.

HL: Is a secret because the things in my handbag would probably shock a lot of the male membership around this gorgeous counter. Cigars are sometimes in there, but I keep that private. Also more personal and female collections, eclectic perhaps one could throw in here for a longer word at this juncture. Really I think the main powder compact ethos of female handbags should remain a private matter. Men get very threatened at compacts and why not?

BUZZ

NP: Ah yes?

DW: Well we had two compacts.

NP: You had two compacts, yes.

DW: Iím sorry, I had to, I had to.

NP: Well maybe she has two compacts in her handbag. But still that was repetition within the rules of Just A Minute. So Dale you have got the subject, weíd love to hear from you on...

DW: Oh Iíve got to talk about it now, havenít I!

NP: Yes! Whatís in my handbag Dale, that is the subject. Will you try and go on it, for 24 seconds if you can starting now.

DW: Whatís in my handbag, wouldnít you like to know? Well, I will tell you. One compact, I find quite sufficient, a lipstick, the occasional hair brush, and possibly lacquer which goes on my barnett, as Iím sure the chairman is quite well aware and acquainted with him very self...

BUZZ

TS: Acquainted with him very self?

DW: Oh stop it! Stop it!

TS: Deviation! Deviation!

DW: Sorry! It is!

NP: Donít worry, the audience are with you Dale.

DW: Yeah.

NP: But that was deviation from English as we normally understand it, and as it is usually spoke. And eight seconds are available for you Tony to tell us something about your handbag, so whatís in my handbag Tony, starting now.

TS: Iíve got nothing in my handbag because I donít own one, because Iím butch! And Iíve got...

BUZZ

DW: Deviation! Iím sorry!

TS: I knew you were going to say that! I knew it!

DW: Oh dear!

NP: Iím sorry, iím not prepared to judge on this one! Iím going to leave it to the wisdom of our wonderful audience here. If you agree with the challenge and you want to embarrass Tony, then you cheer for Daleís challenge.

TS: Ohhhhhhh!

NP: If not, you boo, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right thatís enough! Thatís enough.

TS: Half and half.

NP: I think they were on your side Dale. Right so...

DW: How many seconds have I got left?

NP: Four seconds left...

DW: Oh I can go through my other handbag!

NP: Whatís in my handbag, four seconds starting now.

DW: Whatís in my handbag, I actually call a...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

HL: Hate to do it! Hate to do it Dale!

NP: Thatís repetition!

HL: No, I know because he did it, what did you say first?

DW: Well Iím not telling you! If you canít remember, Helen Lederer, then Iím not about to tell you and lose a point!

HL: What do they all say? Repetition of actually.

NP: Yes.

DW: Did I say actually?

NP: Yes, all right your team is helping you. So youíve cleverly got in Helen, with one second on whatís in my handbag starting now.

HL: Nothing!

WHISTLE

NP: Helen was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. Sheís equal in second place with Dale Winton, Clement Freudís still in the lead. And Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject, Bakewell. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: What the Army Catering Corps, known as the A with two Cs, standing for Ah Canna Cook, used to have as the criterion for anyone who wanted to join it, was the production of a bakewell tart. And this is a delicious sweetmeat which is made with raspberry jam, flour, sugar, butter, ground almonds and essence of those nuts which I have just mentioned and cannot say again. A bakewell tart is genuinely a wonderful confection. When we had a by-election in Bakewell, it was the one thing that politicians were given as they went from door to window, to cottage to house. And... with cream...

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

TS: I hate to be critical, that was wonderful. But there was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, yes we...

TS: You see, if you donít say it, then someone in the audience says ďhesitationĒ!

NP: I know! They were all...

DW: That was butch!

NP: Yes!

TS: You and me, outside, handbags at dawn!

NP: Right, donít worry, Maggie will get in there before you. Ah, 12 seconds for you on Bakewell, Tony starting now.

TS: Bakewell tart, Iíve always thought ďhorrible way to talk about JoanĒ! Sheís lovely! Sheís presented so many gorgeous programmes and I think she is an amalgam of perfect womanhood and liberation...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Helen, you pressed just before...

HL: Sorry! Iím sorry!

NP: No, no, you might gain another point for your team.

HL: Well hereís hoping. You went ďenn amalgamĒ and I was brought up to say ďan amalgamĒ. But you know thatís just me!

NP: An amalgam?

HL: Like enema, it was ďenn amalgamĒ rather than ďan amalgamĒ.

NP: Do you think she should have that?

TS: Yes.

NP: Right, all right, another point to you, and youíve got another point and youíve got er just half a second on Bakewell starting now.

HL: Custard...

WHISTLE

NP: So there we are! Helen Lederer was then attempting to speak as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. Iíll now do something slightly different. I donít give them the subject, I offer them an object. The black segments will part and out from the bowels...

OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL

NP: ... of this furniture will arise an object. Itís Clement Freudís turn to begin, and I ask him now to begin and talk on without hesitation, repetition or deviation on that object now.

CF: This is a squirrel with a green and yellow hat. And a red feather. In other words it really is a rat with good public relations...

BUZZ

NP: A little hesitational there? You have been challenged.

TS: Iím sorry, Iím sorry, Sir Clement, I interrupted your joke, but there was a hesitation there definitely. I mean, I say ďjokeĒ loosely! But I definitely...

NP: I think he waited for the laugh which didnít came which was a hesitation...

CF: It didnít came?

TS: It didnít came!

NP: It didnít came! You have 50 seconds, there is the object starting now.

TS: This is the MP for Clywd East, her name is Patricia von Trapp, member of the famous German singing family, often to be found with goat herds up a mountain. Perhaps with Dale Winton in the background singing ďGood Night, AdieuĒ to your etcetera. The thing about having an object like this as a Member of Parliament is...

BUZZ

NP: And Dale?

DW: Well I know that youíre fond of your members but there were too many there!

NP: Yes yes!

TS: I thought I said ďMPĒ.

DW: No he did, Iím sorry Nicholas, but he did.

NP: Twenty-four seconds on that one Dale, starting now.

DW: Itís not... alive, as you can see...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Helen?

HL: Well Iím sorry, that was a hesitation.

DW: Yes youíre quite right Helen, sheís not wrong.

NP: Yes it was yes.

NP: Helen, you have the object there, 22 seconds starting now.

HL: Fir cones are always associated with this breed of squirrelette, a female spin of a Greenwich park, hybrid of both mouse, hamster and guinea pig all rolled into one tail. The fur is electric, you get charges...

BUZZ

TS: Iím sorry! Iím sorry, thatís just gibberish Helen! I know youíre on my team, but the fur is electric? Itís not! Itís not plugged in!

NP: Right, four seconds for you Tony, another point to your team as well as yourself, on this object starting now.

TS: This is the national emblem of Botswana! Obviously itís a hot land and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Tony Slattery speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And he and his partner, Helen Lederer, both got points in that round. And youíll be interested to know at the halfway mark in the contest, the scores between London and the Midlands are equal! Isnít that interesting! But I will now give a bonus point to either team, any member who can actually identify what that squirrel represents.

DW: Um I assume that by the hat, the squirrelette is wearing, that itís to do with Robin Hood of Nottingham.

NP: Youíre close but not...

TS: Is it to do with Sherwood Forest?

NP: No it isnít. Itís the mascot of where?

DW: Kidderminster?

NP: No. One more go, otherwise itís...

TS: Is it Antarctica?

NP: No. Nottingham Forest Football Club.

TS: Oh!

DW: Oh!

TS: Thatí s so interesting!

NP: And the Midlands unfortunately get it. So we go into the halfway mark with...

OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE

NP: All right! Back to Nottingham! And after that bruising encounter, itís time for a quick breather, and weíll be back after a short break. So youíll see us after this.

THEME MUSIC

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, welcome back, welcome back to Just A Minute. And as the curtain rises on the cataclysmic denouement of Just A Minute, we will proceed with the contest. But let me first of all tell you that each of our players tonight has exactly the same score at the halfway mark. And itís Tony Slatteryís turn to begin. Tony, my favourite square. Would you... donít look at me like that please.

TS: All right.

NP: Um 60 seconds as usual starting now.

TS: Itís a bit of a clichť, but my favourite square is Berkeley Square where the nightingale sang. It was really annoying so I shot it! It fell out of the tree into the aforementioned London thoroughfare in a rectangular shape, and with grass in it as well. I often eat my sandwiches there, and maybe a thermos flask or two, maybe... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Dale your challenge?

DW: Well I suppose it was a little, tiny, gi-normous hesitation.

NP: No it was a tiny hesitation but there was a repetition as well. But I will actually give it to you on hesitation. Forty seconds for you on my favourite square starting now.

DW: My favourite square is on the television programme Celebrity Squares. I have appeared there twice. Unfortunately I was given the wrong box...

BUZZ

TS: Iím sorry to sound a bit controversial. Is this deviation? Celebrity?

DW: Well I was...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! Oh! Oh!

TS: Iím sorry! Iím sorry, the gloves are off, ladies and gentlemen! They come up to here!

TS POINTS TO HIS ELBOW

NP: The handbags were out in the last round, and the gloves are off in this one. I disagree with the challenge, I have to and Dale...

DW: Well I donít want to play any more!

NP: I was on Celebrity Squares with you and I thought...

DW: Oh we were together, werenít we?

NP: Yes Iím glad you remembered it!

DW: Yes!

NP: I think you had every reason to be there, and to be asked back again!

CF: Were you two negatives making a positive?

NP: I wish you werenít so intelligent Clement, sometimes. Thirty-two seconds for you Dale, on my favourite square starting now.

DW: Itís very interesting because I recall the day terribly well when Nicholas and I were both in the boxes. Tony Slattery was not invited on that particular occasion, because the remit for booking the guests, the researchers told me at a later date, was major film and television personalities. Those who could deliver lines with humour, making sure a comic would appear, would perhaps be the favourite way of filling one of these rectangular objects. Tony of course...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement yes?

CF: Two Tonys.

NP: Two Tonys but you got, donít worry, heís in your team!

DW: Oh thatís all right!

NP: Yes! So you have five seconds Clement, on my favourite square starting now.

CF: I think Geoffrey Howe is my favourite square. Never has there been a man who is as...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, and gained that extra point for doing so. And Dale Winton, itís your turn to begin. Birmingham pubs is the subject, a very Midlands subject for you. Sixty seconds starting now.

DW: Having left Wolves or Wolverhampton, I moved down the road a little to Birmingham. And I rented a small apartment above a Birmingham pub. It was called The Wagon Wheel In Billie-Jo Spearsí Larder. The publican in particular was a fond fan of country and western music. His stetson might have given me a big clue. As I descended the stairs of this bijou pied a terre in Birmingham, I discovered that...

BUZZ

NP: Youíve pressed your buzzer Clement.

CF: No I havenít.

NP: No you havenít, sorry whose light came on?

TS: It was Clementís.

NP: It was Clement. Yes.

TS: It was.

NP: You pressed that...

CF: I saw his light go on!

CF POINTS AT TS

DW: Can I carry on then?

NP: I think, yes.

HL: Look, Iíll sort it! Um...

NP: Youíre going to take it, are you? Whatís the challenge?

HL: Um, French, piar deterre. Um...

DW: Whatís wrong with that?

HL: Are we doing things in French, I thought this was an English speaking programme!

DW: Iím sorry but the chair himself did call the word denouement in his opening...

NP: Yes...

DW: Iím sorry!

NP: I introduced the French phraseology...

HL: Okay all right.

NP: No, it was a very good try, we enjoyed it, give you a bonus point, all right?

DW: Oh thatís not fair!

NP: No, no, but you get a point because you were interrupted.

DW: Oh thatís all right.

NP: And you keep the subject and you have 34 seconds on Birmingham pubs starting now.

DW: The owner of the aforesaid pub was a huge fan of Yankee Doodle Rockiní Billy which is the kind of music I am referring to. He watched...

BUZZ

TS: Repetition of music. We had country and western music...

DW: Oh did we? Youíre right! Youíre right!

NP: We had country and western music before.

DW: Yes.

NP: so Tony youíve listened well and you have 25 seconds, you tell us something about Birmingham pubs starting now.

TS: I canít number the Birmingham pubs Iíve been thrown out of! I went on the most enormous pub crawl in 1962, lasted five years. And then after that so many metric tons of lager were consumed by me! That I had just the most fantastic time! And then I went to the ballroom, and did a little begging. And so my holiday...

WHISTLE

TS: Yes! Yes! Yes!

NP: So Tonyís incredible story kept him going till the whistle, and gained that extra point for doing so. Theyíre all equal again! Helen Lederer, itís your turn to begin and the subject is spurs. You have 60 seconds starting now.

HL: Are particularly useful when you get them for being very brave and bold, when you have to save the people that are making you... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

TS: Itís hesitation.

NP: Yes that definitely can be called...

HL: You think so?

TS: I think so yes.

NP: Tony, take back spurs, 33 seconds starting now.

TS: As I ride across the open fields of Lincolnís Inn in a medieval sense, on my glossy white charger, I stab my spurs into his creamy flanks, and I jet across the London skyline. Look, thereís Jack the Ripper! Watch out, Nelsonís column! All the local landmarks fly by and I...

BUZZ

DW: We had two flys, did we not?

NP: Yes you were flying too fast then.

TS: Was I?

DW: You had two flys.

TS: Did we?

DW: No, I mean thereís no flies on you, generally speaking...

TS: Thanks! Thanks!

DW: ... but you can see where theyíve been!

TS: Thatís awful! Thatís awful!

NP: Dale...

DW: How many seconds is the point? I want...

NP: Twelve seconds, 12 seconds.

DW: Oh!

NP: Not too bad, spurs is with you, starting now.

DW: Itís a strange thing, you know, Iíve never watched a football match in my life. However Spurs is the abbreviation for Tottenham Hotspur, a club in the London vicinity, I believe, which is strange because I represent the Midlands on this programme and...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

DW: Oh, not a popular challenge!

NP: No, no, I pressed the, I pressed, the whistle went before the challenge I think.

DW: Oh did it?

NP: Yes.

DW: Did it?

NP: What was the challenge then Helen?

TS: No, it didnít! There was a hesitation.

HL: Hesitation.

NP: No, I disagree unfortunately. Iím sorry, I donít think there was...

TS: Iím not asking you whether you disagree.

NP: I donít think there was a hesitation. I think he was teetering on the point of hesitating but didnít quite achieve it. And so you have half a second Dale to continue on spurs starting now.

DW: This game is all about...

WHISTLE

NP: So Dale Winton did manage to speak as the whistle went, and gained that extra point for doing so, and we have now reached the end of the contest. Well they all scored almost the same number of points each. But the one who actually had the most points, just one ahead of all the others, was Dale Winton, so congratulations Dale! And with Clement Freud, you have managed to amass a total which was two more than the London team, so the Midland team are the winners this week!

TS: Well done! Well done!

NP: Yes, well done the Midland team. And so the ancient crone who knits the delightful cardigan of the show is rapidly running out of wool. So from my guests, Tony Slattery, Helen Lederer, Dale Winton, Sir Clement Freud, and myself, Nicholas Parsons, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC