JAM:PMerton,KHesketh-Harvey,LTarbuck,CCollingwood
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, LIZA TARBUCK and CHARLES COLLINGWOOD, , chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 February 2004)

NOTE: Chris Neill's 50th show as producer, Susie Best's last appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, not only in this country, but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme this week four of the most popular and entertaining exponents of this game who once again are going to display their verbal wit and intellectual dexterity as they try to speak on the subject I will give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, sitting on my right, Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And sitting on my left, Liza Tarbuck and Charles Collingwood. Please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Susie Best, and she is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the City Varieties, which is a wonderful period music hall in great condition in the centre of that... and we have an audience in great condition as well, who have come from the lovely city of Leeds, in the centre of that great Godís own county of Yorkshire. And to start the show this week, weíre going to ask Charles Collingwood. So Charles the subject in front of me is four poster beds. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CHARLES COLLINGWOOD: I love lying in a four poster bed with almost anyone I can find, quite frankly. But mostly my wife, Judy Bennett, who of course you know plays Shula Archer. I like to take her away to a hotel which costs a fortune, and provide her with the most beautiful four poster bed. When we wake up in the morning, room service is brought to our room...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

CC: Room service and room!

NP: No, no, itís, itís...

PAUL MERTON: Can you spot the connecting word?

NP: And that was repetition. So Paul you were the first to challenge, you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of four poster beds, 38 seconds starting now.

PM: There is something incredibly romantic about a four poster bed. I suppose itís the curtains or the drapes you can pull across and create a tiny little island where all the outside world disappears, and you have this wonderful love-nest. When I share a four poster bed with Charles Collingwood, we often have room service...

BUZZ

NP: Charles Collingwood challenged.

CC: Well he wasnít very good! Um...

LAUGHTER FROM PM, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

CC: I didnít, I didnít want him to bring this up! And er it is deviation, him and me, for him to bring this up...

NP: No, ah Charles, you can say anything you like in this show provided itís not libellous, I donít think that is. But your, yours was a delightful interruption...

CC: Deviation!

NP: ... so we give you a bonus point for that, no, but it wasnít deviation within the rules of Just A Minute.

CC: Iím sorry.

NP: So Paul you get a point for a being interrupted, you keep the subject of four poster beds, 21 seconds starting now.

PM: You often see them in films about Henry the Eighth. I suppose, being King, he had the biggest four poster bed in the land made out of mighty oak, carved from that good English wood, made into a form that he could sleep his majestic frame, and command all the citizens of the country ďbring me another wife, I have the four poster bed...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Paul Merton. Will you take the next round, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, a call of nature. Now this could be difficult, couldnít it. I hope that youíll keep within the bounds of respectability as you talk on that subject starting now.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Lying in my four poster bed, quite frequently I have to answer a call of nature. As did the narrator of Wuthering Heights, that majestic Yorkshire novel, when he woke up and saw this woman outside going ďHeathcliff, itís me, Cathy, and Iím coming home!Ē She was as immemorial as the rocks from which she sprang. Another call of nature is (in Tarzan type call) ďAhh-ohhhhh-aaahhhhhh!Ē

BUZZ

NP: (laughing) I think I know what the challenge is!

PM: Well itís repetition of (Tarzan call) ahhhhhh!

KHH: No, no, thatís, thatís, thatís wrong. No, you have to understand that chimp is an affected language...

NP: It was repetition.

KHH: ... and (Tarzan call) ahhhhhhhh is quite different from (Tarzan call) ohhhhhhhh because it means something quite other in chimp.

NP: No, it was a definite repetition of ahh!

PM: Yes! It was. You heard it, didnít you Nicholas?

NP: I heard it, yes. In fact it went on.

PM: In fact it woke you up, didnít it?

NP: Oh shut up Paul! Right Iím so fair, heís got a correct challenge, he has 39 seconds, a call of nature starting now.

PM: The owl, a beautiful bird, a nocturnal creature, will often call to its mates across the country side ďtoo-witĒ and more! And then it will make from its beautiful beak, itís golden throat (starts to laugh) the...

BUZZ

NP: Charles Collingwood, you challenged first.

CC: He did hesitate.

NP: Yes he did hesitate.

CC: As he broke into laughter.

NP: You have a point for that of course and you have the subject of a call of nature, 30 seconds starting now.

CC: I have to tell you that itís quite personal, this. Because sitting here, I could do with just popping out the back for about three minutes. Because I feel the call of nature here. But because Iím an old pro, I will soldier on and hold whatever it is Iíd like to give forth inside me. Until the end of this great show. At which point I will depart and relieve myself, of an enormous quantity...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Doesnít this come under the category of more information than we need?

CC: Isnít that what this show is?

NP: No, no, not more information than we need. More information but ah, so what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: I donít know if Iíve got one. I felt the flow had to stop!

NP: And I think you stopped it, and so we give you a bonus point for what you said because the audience enjoyed your interruption. But Charles was interrupted, what a pity! And try and get off the flow at the moment if you can Charles, with five seconds on a call of nature starting now.

CC: Sometimes I sit in my garden with the windows open, and I look at my...

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LIZA TARBUCK: I did challenge because there was a slight hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, my darling.

LT: Between windows and...

NP: Right! Very clever, youíve got in with one second to go on a call of nature starting now.

LT: Dogs barking...

BUZZ

NP: Sorry, Charles challenged you.

CC: I heard the (breathy sound) ahhh!

NP: I know.

CC: Like she heard in mine.

NP: Thatís right...

CC: A hesitation.

NP: Of course not! You, you, you ungallant player...

LT: I will never think of Bryan in the same way, you know.

CC: Very few women ever do!

NP: Another point to you Liza and half a second on a call of nature starting now.

LT: My dogs will trill...

WHISTLE

NP: So Liza Tarbuck, speaking as the whistle went, and with others in the round, sheís now equal with Charles Collingwood. And Paul Mertonís just ahead and Kit Hesketh-Harvey is trailing a little. So Paul itís actually your turn to begin. Paul the subject is growing a moustache. You have grown one on occasions, I believe, but tell us something about the subject in this game starting now.

PM: Well it takes a great deal of talent. And you have to put the hours in. Itís no good just waking up one morning and thinking I will grow a moustache by tomorrow, it just wonít happen. You have to nurture your upper lip with a mixture of compost, potato peelings and floor polish. Plus if you can get hold of it from some of the Chinese shops specialising, the golden throat of an owl which you rip from the bird, and rub across the top part of your face, just underneath your nose. And before you know where you are, hairs begin to sprout, left, right and centre, making up the moustache. There have been many different types of moustaches over the years. Look at Adolf Hitler, he stole his from Charlie Chaplin! And it didnít do him any harm, did it? (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

PM: Iím sorry, I...

NP: You dried yourself up, didnít you, such bizarre deviation...

PM: I know.

NP: Itís absolutely wonderful.

PM: Just the idea of praising Hitler seemed to be a bit odd!

NP: And Kitís buzzer came on first, Kit there are 20 seconds on growing a moustache starting now.

KHH: Florence Nightingaleís sister had a lavish cavalry job, which when a local portrait painter was going to render her in oils, the whole county was agog to see what he would make it. Strategically he placed her under a cedar tree, so that the shadow thereof passed across her upper lip and made her look slightly less like Lord Kitchener which otherwise she would have done. But it was considered rather attractive and...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes so with some more bizarre thoughts there, but this time from Kit. Kit was speaking as the whistle went, heís moved forward. In fact Charles Collingwood, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Liza Tarbuck are all equal in second place behind Paul Merton. And Charles your turn to begin, the subject, oh how apt for the time of year in which we are recording this, but also for this particular theatre, the City Varieties. Pantomime.

CC: Oh!

NP: Yes! And Charles you start, 60 seconds starting now.

CC: (singing) Having a wonderful time,
Thereís no concealing that youíre feeling sublime,
The worldís our oyster, and we havenít a care,
There must be champagne in the air!
Two, three, four, five, letís throw a party today,
Forget your head and let your heart have its way,
For Jackís a dull boy with all work and no play,
So just relax and weíll feel fine.
Enjoying a marvellous evening...
(speaking) Now I think thatís really...

BUZZ

NP: So Kit you challenged.

KHH: Deviation from the home key, but it seems so childish, Iím sorry.

NP: As you have perfect pitch, I know youíre right. So ah, but what I will do, Charles because it was a one-off, having a whole ditty like that, you get...

KHH: Please God, it was a one-off!

NP: You have a bonus point for your little ditty, which they all loved...

CC: Well Iím looking for work, Nicholas, quite frankly! And I think on the strength of that, I shanít be getting any! never mind!

NP: No! So Kit a correct challenge, 37 seconds on pantomime starting now.

KHH: I noticed here in the City Varieties, Leeds, they are giving Robin Hood and The Babes In The Wood a double whammy which gives rise to all sorts of possibilities. You get Mother Goose gets Aladdin or The Sleeping Beanstalk. Possibly even Puss In Dick, but maybe that is too strong for these lovely people. I hate pantomime. Iím with the little boy who said ďevery year at Christmas time,
Iím taken to the pantomime,
I think itís childish but we go,
Because Papa enjoys it is so.Ē
It is the most grisly torture ever affected...

BUZZ

PM: Oh no it isnít!

SHOUTS FROM THE AUDIENCE OF ďOH YES IT IS!Ē

NP: Well a very clever interruption from Paul, so we give him a bonus point for that interruption, because the audience enjoyed it so much. But Kit you had a correct challenge, no you were interrupted so you still keep the subject, five seconds on pantomime starting now.

KHH: I met my divine wife in pantomime at Brighton, the only time Iíve made an excursion into that glhastly art from, and the only...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes we do have the impression Kit that you donít enjoy pantomime. But how could you have met your wife there if you never go to pantomime?

KHH: No, I was in it, that was very different.

NP: You hate it, and you were in it?

KHH: I wasnít very good. I was dreadful. She was marvellous, I was dreadful.

NP: You donít mind taking your crock of gold and ah...

KHH: Going to the end of the rainbow, 20 long years ago in Brighton.

NP: Liza your turn to begin, the subject is cooking a goose. Tell us something about cooking a goose starting now.

LT: I like to cook a fresh goose. That way you can leave the head on, so youíve got something to gird under your arms as youíre plucking the feathers from the said birdís body. Itís also good because you can cut the head off the goose later and send it...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Two heads.

NP: Two heads.

LT: Did I?

NP: Yeah.

PM: Iíd love to know where it was going to be sent though.

LT: Youíll have to let me win it back then!

NP: Right! A two headded goose, Charles you got in first, 48 seconds, cooking a goose starting now.

CC: I get hold of this large goose which has already been plucked. And I put cream all over the top, and bacon and butter. And I stuff its tummy full of onions. And then with the oven preheated, I put this enormous bird into my vast double so cooker. And there it stays for hours and a long time. And it becomes the crispiest, crunchiest, moistiest goose youíve ever tasted...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Iím sorry, moistiest.

LT: Moistiest, yes!

NP: No, no, I will give him the benefit of the doubt on this time. So Charles you have the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject, cooking a goose, 14 seconds starting now.

CC: Fourteen seconds left before I open the door and remove this gorgeous moist bird...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: He said big bird before and he said...

NP: He had a bird, yes, you mentioned the bird before.

LT: Two birds are...

CC: Better than one!

LT: Yeah! Itís a good sandwich!

NP: You were putting your bird in the oven or pulling him out of the oven, Iíve forgotten which. Cooking a goose, six seconds are available starting now.

LT: Youíre going to need a very heavy bottomed tin to get this bird in the oven...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Liza was then speaking as the whistle went, and sheís moved forward, and sheís equal with Kit Hesketh-Harvey in third place, just behind Charles Collingwood and our leader who is still Paul Merton who also begins the next round. Paul the subject now is spoons. Tell us something about spoons in Just A Minutestarting now.

PM: Playing the spoons was an old Victorian trick that people used to get up to when they couldnít afford pianos or other musical instruments. They would get hold of the cutlery drawer, grab the spoons, and Grandad would start knocking out favourite rhythms of the day. The Relief Of Mafeking and all kinds of things like that had their own tunes. And people used to gather around the old spoon and say ďgo on then, Grandfather, play it as youíve never beforeĒ. And he did, what a magnificent tune he would get out of these pieces of cutlery...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Repetition of tune.

NP: Yeah, and cutlery, right.

PM: And cutlery.

CC: I canít go over the whole list, can I!

NP: Spoons is with you Charles, 24 seconds starting now.

CC: When youíve prepared the goose, and itís on the table, you lay the places for your guests. Knives on the outside, working inwards to the spoon with its fork alongside. Or if you like...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: Never fork alongside the spoons!

NP: No, no...

KHH: Never! So sorry! Charles, Iím not coming to you for Christmas!

CC: I didnít hesitate or deviate, did I?

KHH: You deviated from English manners, and this is Radio Four!

CC: We can have our spoons where we like in our house, Kit!

KHH: Clearly you have!

NP: Yeah but you did establish that this, you did establish this was the conventional way. You didnít say ďin our house we have the spoons...Ē

CC: Oh heís being so hard on me now! Are you, are you going to let him have that?

NP: Yes Iíve been kind to you and generous to you on the last one...

CC: Donít you point at me!

NP: So Iím giving the benefit of the doubt to, to Kit on this one. So Kit you have spoons and you have seven seconds starting now.

KHH: The rosiette spoonbill, a beautiful bird, jah-ha-jah-ah-ah-jah!

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Deviation surely.

KHH: No it is the Latin name for spoonbill, jah-ah-jah-jah!

NP: Three seconds on spoons starting now.

LT: My cutlery drawer has an amazing array of different sized spoons...

WHISTLE

NP: And so aty the end of that round, Liza was speaking as the whistle went. She has moved forward with alacrity and she is now beside now Kit Hesketh-Harvey in third place, but only one point behind Charles Collingwood, and theyíre two or three points behind our leader Paul Merton. And Kit itís also your turn to begin again and the subject now is a dark horse. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

KHH: My favourite dark horse is Copenhagen, the sturdy mount ridden by by Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington at Waterloo. Named after the Danish capital, which was lucky. If it had been another town, he could have been called Naggersoff or even Arse, both of which are charming places in that fair country. But no, he returned to England to a heroís welcome, was cast in bronze and painted in oil...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Thatís not a heroís welcome! If youíre cast in bronze! I mean what would they have done to him if they didnít like him?

NP: So whatís your challenge within the rules of...

PM: Deviation, thatís not a heroís welcome, being cast in bronze.

NP: It is actually, I mean...

PM: Is it?

KHH: Nicholas has been cast in bronze many times.

PM: Have you been cast in bronze Nicholas?

NP: Iíve just had...

KHH: You can buy him in Anne Summers.

NP: Iíve actually had a request quite recently to have a bronze made of my head.

PM: Really?

NP: Yes.

PM: And are you wearing it tonight?

NP: So Kit I disagree with the challenge, you still have a dark horse starting now.

KHH: He was pensioned off and lived to the ripe old age of 27 at Strathfield Say. A dark horse can also mean somebody who comes from behind. Not in the Nicholas Parsons sense, but who wins...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM KHH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Charles?

PM: What a slur!

NP: Really!

CC: Hesitation of the worst sort! You blanched, I mean, quite rightly, your reaction, it was appalling...

KHH: He paled beneath his bronze, didnít he!

CC: And Kit could no longer continue to talk.

KHH: Iím sorry.

PM: It was slanderous!

KHH: The image was too disturbing, Iím sorry!

NP: And tell us something now about a dark horse in 27 seconds starting now.

CC: When I go horse racing, I love to see those dark horses. I walk around the paddock, feeling Iím going to put my shirt on that dark horse. Because I just know that when he gets to the last 200 furlongs itís going to be my...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

PM: Two hundred furlongs?

NP: I donít think any race...

KHH: Itís a dead horse!

CC: How little you know about this dark horse Iím telling you about! Stamina, eh!

NP: No, even that fellow who took the, the message to, to ah...

CC: Keep going!

KHH: Geddis to eye!

NP: And created the Olympic Games...

KHH: Oh him?

NP: ... the marathon...

PM: Yes...

NP: The one who ran from Marathon to bring the news, about 200 furlongs, and it wasnít 200 furlongs, I can assure you.

KHH: Nor was he a horse actually.

NP: Paul correct challenge, 14 seconds, a dark horse starting now.

PM: A dark horse as has been suggested is somebody who may be a rank outsider, or youíre not sure about. Who suddenly comes through...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Two suddenlys.

NP: Two suddenlys, Iím afraid. So Charles youíre listening well...

CC: Oh gracious!

NP: And youíve got the subject back and youíve six seconds on a dark horse starting now.

CC: I do feel that when youíre introduced to someone who is told to be a dark horse, you should be slightly careful because there may be...

WHISTLE

NP: So Charles Collingwood speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, heís moving forward, heís now in second place, two behind Paul Merton.

CC: Oh heís a dark horse!

NP: And only one ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Liza Tarbuck. And Liza your turn to begin, the subject now is the classifieds. Can you tell us something about that unusual subject in this game starting now.

LT: Turn to the back pages of any newspaper anywhere and you will find the classifieds. Youíre after a handyman, if you want an extra wide-fitting shoe, you want to share a flat in Kingston...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Two wants.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so.

LT: Iím rubbish at this, arenít I!

CC: Youíre not!

KHH: No, youíre divine!

LT: That was my sympathy line!

CC: Eh? You still lost then!

KHH: Itís a lovely incantation!

NP: Charles, 49 seconds, tell us something about the classifieds starting now.

CC: When I look at the back of a newspaper, and I see that list of advertisements for jobs that I could so easily do, but I choose to be an actor instead, I think where might I have...

BUZZ

NP: Whoís challenged? Liza challenged.

LT: (laughs) I just fancied it!

CC: What, now?

LT: Deviation.

CC: Oh sorry! What?

LT: I donít know, no, that was rubbish!

CC: Bitterness I think.

NP: Yeah he said all the jobs he thought he could do. I donít think he could do all the jobs that are in the classifieds.

LT: No.

NP: No.

CC: I look at the list and see all the jobs that I could do.

LT: Receptionist?

NP: No...

LT: Come on!

NP: I think the benefit of the doubt to Liza on that one. Classifieds back with you Liza starting now.

LT: You want a big sack of Narcissi? Well look in the classifieds, youíre sure to find them. Hanging baskets, perhaps a Tourletteís signs over houses that you require from sutton to...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: That was a hesitation yes. Tell us something about the classifieds Paul, and you have 28 seconds starting now.

PM: Well thereís na extraordinary world that is unveiled in the classifieds. You look at fridge freezer, only used once. And you wonder to yourself what domestic argument has occurred over this particular piece of machinery, that it should only be operated on the own...

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: There were two onlys.

NP: Yes.

PM: I was in the middle of the second one! It might have become onlies!

NP: No, no...

CC: You didnít like the way I spoke earlier, darling!

NP: Well heís calling him darling now, you obviously were in that double bedroom! Right the ah, 11 seconds Charles, the classifieds starting now.

CC: Classifieds have to be looked with great care...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, classifieds have to be looked with great care? Thatís just nonsense!

CC: There might have been an ďatĒ coming up.

PM: When he hasnít got a script in his hand, he doesnít make any sense at all! Itís just nonsense!

NP: Ah Paul...

CC: Do you mind if I just have one of my tablets please?

NP: No, no, Iím just going to show Charles how fair I am in this situation. Because I think colloquially, people have been known to say ďI looked with great careĒ. And so I donít think it was sufficient deviation...

PM: Yes but if he had said those words, I wouldnít have challenged!

CC: Do you know, if youíd refereed England-Australia in the World Cup, weíd have stuffed Australia! Heís, heís so kind, isnít he.

PM: Yes.

CC: Oh Iím really with you.

NP: Well you were getting so temperamental a moment ago...

LT: Youíve changed your tune!

NP: Yes heís changed his tune. Right, Iím giving you the benefit of the doubt Charles, seven seconds, the classifieds starting now.

CC: When I look...

BUZZ

NP: And Kit challenged.

KHH: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah hesitation. He, he gets tense if you donít like the decision, youíre generous to him when he gets one and then he just dries up! Oh dear these Archers! Right...

PM: You canít hang about, can you!

NP: Kit youíve got five seconds on the classifieds starting now.

KHH: Elderly incontinent gentleman seeks aardvark for erotic adventure, apply Nicholas Parsons OBE...

WHISTLE

NP: What I have to put up with in this game! But itís all grist to the mill isnít it. Right, whatís the situation because weíre going to move into the last round Iím afraid. Oh yes, but weíve enjoyed it as much as you so thatís great. Oh very interesting. Charles Collingwood with a little bit of panache has moved forward, heís equal in the lead with Paul Merton, but only two points behind is Kit Hesketh-Harvey...

CC: (in Bruce Forsyth voice) Good game! Good game!

NP: And only three points behind is Liza Tarbuck. Itís anybodyís contest if youíre interested in the points. Youíre more interested in the humour arenít you.

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Good, thatís what we like! A grand finale, sorry that is the subject actually, I didnít realise that. So Paul itís actually your turn to begin and the subject is a grand finale, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: As we sit here in this magnificent music hall, built in the 19th century, we can think back to the wonderful show that finished here on a grand finale. Who can forget the dear old queen, Danny LaRue, as he used to wander out and regale the audience with his marvellous jokes and repartee and songs and witty costumes. It was magnificent. And then the acrobats would come out for the grand finale and they would toss each other across the stage and it was a magnificent sight...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit you challenged.

KHH: Two magnificents in the nick of time, I think.

NP: There was.

PM: Was there?

NP: Yes.

KHH: Sorry.

NP: There was another magnificent earlier on. So Paul, so Kit, a correct challenge, you have grand finale, you have 32 seconds starting now.

KHH: My favourite grand finale is the final moment of Cebelliusís majestic... (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Well he completely cracked up!

NP: I know!

KHH: Itís very funny if you listen to it apparently.

CC: Can we have a go then?

NP: Right, youíre the only person in this show who cracks himself up.

KHH: Iím sorry!

NP: Itís amazing!

KHH: Nobody else laughed!

NP: Youíve got in, youíve got in with 27 seconds on a grand finale starting now.

CC: With 27 seconds left, I feel a grand finale building up in this beautiful theatre. The audience are on tenterhooks as they are waiting for that whistle to be blown, and for Charles Collingwood, they hope, to score a final extra point. But will it happen, we donít know...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I donít think it will! I, I, just canít see it happening!

NP: Right, well within the rules of Just A Minute, you get a bonus point for that, for that remark which the audience loved.

CC: That could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat!

KHH: Oh no!

NP: But on the other hand he wasnít deviating...

PM: No.

NP: ... within the rules of Just A Minute. So 10 seconds still with you, on a grand finale Charles starting now.

CC: The atmosphere now in this theatre...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Repetition of atmosphere.

CC: Well you ruined it for me! He ruined it! I could, you donít know how temperamental I can get, Mister Merton! Just because you hear me being a butch farmer on the radio! I can scream!

NP: It was Kit Hesketh-Harvey who challenged.

CC: I donít care! Either of those two gentlemen over there! Iím sick of this game now! Come on darling, letís go home, Miss Tarbuck.

LT: Everybodyís been nice to me!

CC: When you think what Iíve been through this afternoon.

NP: You sound as though youíve changed your sexual proclivities all of a sudden!

CC: Sorry, darling, Iím so sorry.

NP: Ah Kit you had a correct challenge, you have eight seconds on a grand finale starting now.

KHH: Just think of it, Charles Collingwood on his dark horse, his lush moustache screaming in the breeze, clutching his goose...

BUZZ

NP: Um Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, he does not have a lush moustache

KHH: I was just thinking of it! I just said ďjust think of itĒ. I wasnít implying literal fact.

NP: This is true, you were saying ďjust think of itĒ, werenít you. Right, so what do I do? Um...

CC: Give it to me, love.

NP: No!

PM: Itís deviation, he has no moustache.

NP: He has no moustache.

KHH: I was just thinking of it. I was thinking of it, thinking of him with a moustache.

NP: No, he hasnít got a lush moustache. Right, benefit of the doubt to you Paul on this occasion, three seconds, a grand finale starting now.

PM: And so the balls are in the air as the jugglers...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that last flourish of Paul Mertonís really did give us a grand finale to this particular edition of Just A Minute. And they are all so close in the points. But if youíre interested I will tell you. Liza Tarbuck only just finished in fourth place, but she was only two points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey. He was only one point behind Charles Collingwood and he was only two points behind Paul Merton, but we do, because he has the most points, say Paul, you are the winner this week! So what does it remain for me to say? Just thank you to these four intrepid players of the game, Paul Merton, Liza Tarbuck, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Charles Collingwood. I also thank Susie Best who has helped me keep the score, and blown her whistle so delicately every time. I also thank our producer-director, that is Chris Neill. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are deeply indebted to this lovely Yorkshire audience who have come to the City Varieties in Leeds to cheer us on our way. We hope youíve enjoyed it, weíve enjoyed playing to you. From me, Nicholas Parsons, from our team, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC