JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,GBrandreth,BCryer
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, GYLES BRANDRETH and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 April 1983)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Gyles Brandreth and Barry Cryer in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have two of our regular players of the game. And we welcome back two guests who have played the game with great success in the past, Barry Cryer and Gyles Brandreth. We wish them every success against these two regulars, the intrepid Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. And as usual theyíre going to try and speak if they can, on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do it as usual without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. Let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the subject we are going to start with is good luck. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well this is what we wish people, when we hope that good fortune will attend upon them in their everyday doings, and of course, in other things which they may well get up to. It is by wishing them on them that we obtain their good favours. And they of course in turn...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course.

BARRY CRYER: Oh!

NP: Yes you did repeat of course, Iím afraid. Yes, I know itís one of your idiosyncrasies of speech, but itís repetition Iím afraid. So Clement Freud gets a point for a correct challenge, and you take over the subject Kenneth, of good luck, 39 seconds starting now.

CF: As you fall over a precipice, ďgood luckĒ is the single phrase you are most likely to hear, spoken or shouted by anyone on the mountain, who perceives what is happening to you, in this dangerous moment which is close to your last on this earth. ďGood luckĒ, they say, I...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Clement Freud, he has the lead at the end of the round, and Gyles Brandreth begins the next round. Ah, 60 seconds Gyles, on how to upset the man next to me starting now.

GYLES BRANDRETH: I donít like to have a man...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Heís upsetting me! Heís upsetting me!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, GB AND THE AUDIENCE

BC: Flippant! Just calculated to rattle him, and give him a point.

NP: Right, no, we give you a point for a nice challenge, a nice little bonus for you. But Gyles keeps the subject and there are 58 seconds on it starting now.

GB: I have a little trick in order to ensure when I go by public transport that I donít have anyone sitting next to me. I get into the corner of the carriage, and when anyone looks as if theyíre going to come and join me, I then say...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement, Kenneth challenged.

KW: Two anyones.

NP: Anyone get into the corner of the carriage, anyone, I donít like anyone next to me. Yes Kenneth, 50 seconds on how to upset the man next to me starting now.

KW: One of the most obvious ways of course is to smell. Now then, thereís some exacting methods of smelling, and it can be done with very bad breath, or by carrying offensive vegetables in a state of very near decay. I have done this, and itís worked like a treat. On aeroplanes, I know a bloke who actually carried vegetable soup, and then put it in an airline bag, and everyone thought it was something else, because when he actually ate it on the plane with a spoon, people thought ďhow revoltingĒ, you know! And certainly ensured that the seat next door doesnít stay occupied for very long. On the other hand, it does stigmatise you, because youíre immediately thought of as antisocial. People say ďoh what a horrible person! Oh I couldnít bear sitting next to him! Oh itís a terrible stink! Oh disgusting!Ē And of course it ensures that you donít really have much popularity in certain types of areas, or indeed any other areas, in the drawing room itís ah...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

LAUGHTER FROM NP, BC AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth the audience were enjoying it so much, we were rather naughty and let you carry on. Way past the minute! In fact you went on for a whole minute on your own. You took it over with 45 seconds and you talked for one full minute on the subject. And of course you get a point for speaking when the whistle should have gone, and weíll give you another one for speaking when it did go. So ah and youíre now, youíre now equal in the lead with Clement Freud.

KW: Oh good!

NP: Ah Barry Cryer...

BC: Sir?

NP: Will you begin the next round? The subject is bunk. There are 60 seconds starting now.

BC: Henry Ford, the automobile magnate, averred that ďhistory was bunkĒ. A conclusion with which I entirely agree. The other connotation could be maritime, in the sense of a berth, sleeping accommodation. One remembers the story of the purser of the ocean going vessel who... asserted...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: Iím afraid hesitation.

NP: Iím afraid you are right.

BC: Hesitation, I would agree with that.

NP: Yes and so Gyles you have another point and the subject of bunk. And there are 40 seconds starting now.

GB: Laugh, and the world smiles with you! Snore, and you sleep alone! Now...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Deviation from the correct quotation.

NP: It doesnít matter, he still wasnít deviating from the subject of bunk. He was making bunk of the quotation, wasnít he.

GB: Thank you very much.

NP: So Gyles, you have 36 seconds on bunk still starting now.

GB: One of the reasons that I sleep in a bunk is I suspect because we have three children under the age of six, and weíve only just discovered what caused it! And consequently my wife has invited me to take the upper bunk, while she is below with a delightful teddy bear who also doubles as our milkman...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation! Iíve seen his house! Thereís no bunks in it! Itís all lies! The whole thingís a pack of lies!

NP: Since you were last in his house, he may have installed some bunks.

KW: Oh I see your point! Oh!

NP: So I donít think he really can be accused of deviating from the subject. Gyles you have the subject still, and 23 seconds, bunk starting now.

GB: It is not generally known that my first wife has had an affair with Kenneth Williams! And indeed I only call her my first wife because...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Heís got two first wives!

NP: Oh yes!

GB: I must explain that!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP, KW AND THE AUDIENCE

GB: I simply call her that, I simply call her that to keep her on her toes! Iím still married to her!

NP: Yeah but you did repeat ďmy first wifeĒ. Having got a marvellous laugh, you see. Yes, you, thatís what Clement got you on, repeating ďmy first wifeĒ. So Clement you have 15 and a half seconds on bunk starting now.

CF: It can be generally said that if your first wife does a bunk, youíre likely to have to get married again, unless you... believe...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Kenneth. He couldnít imagine what to do, his first wife did a bunk. There are eight seconds Kenneth on bunk starting now.

KW: It is the American term for something which is not true, or bogus if you like. And of course we all know that these importations are...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams, once again, was speaking as the whistle went, gained that all important extra point and he has now definitely taken the lead, at the end of that round. Kenneth you are one point ahead of Clement Freud, three ahead of Gyles Brandreth, and a few ahead of Barry Cryer.

BC: (laughs) I must apologise for hogging the programme! Iím sorry!

NP: Right Kenneth, weíre back with you to start, the subject is Hamlet. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: Somebody once said to me, you know, that an actor who is reasonably mature should never play the role. Because itís essentially naive, and I know what he means. The very lines he says like ďthis too solid flesh should melt for resolving...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Lack of repetition.

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

BC: ďTo too solid fleshĒ.

NP: This to... actually thatís right, ďto too solid fleshĒ.

KW: I didnít say it because I didnít want to repeat.

NP: I know.

GB: He was doing the bowdlerised version. Perfectly fair.

KW: Yes! Perfectly valid!

NP: Itís a very clever challenge and he was being very clever not to repeat to too.

CF: Not that clever.

NP: He was misquoting but you didnít challenge, challenge on that. So Kenneth, sorry itís my specs. Iíve got some new specs and itís affecting my speech! Ah Kenneth you have 41 seconds on Hamlet starting now.

KW: And then of course, the advice to Mama about ďslip not between incestuous sheetsĒ. That smacks of rudeness, I think. Itís certainly not the way a uniform...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: I think there was a little bit of hesitation there.

NP: No I donít think so, no, no, no, heís getting close to it but...

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your... yes!

GB: Thank you!

KW: I thought you were anti for some reason!

GB: Some of my wivesí children have come! How nice!

BC: Your first wifeís children?

NP: Kenneth! They were supporting you!

KW: Oh I beg your pardon!

GB: Heís brought along his many mistresses!

NP: Right, 23 seconds on Hamlet starting now.

KW: Well a lovely bit of it is when he says ďthat it should come to this, not two months dead, so loving to my mother that he might not between the winds of the heavens...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of mother.

NP: He said Mum before.

KW: I said mama before.

NP: Mama, mama.

KW: Yes thatís right, itís mum.

NP: Mama.

KW: I said mama, I never said mum, I said mama before, no, quite right. Very good chairman! Heís a very good chairman, isnít he!

NP: Nineteen seconds on Hamlet still Kenneth, starting now.

KW: He was the Prince of Denmark. And perhaps the most moving thing in the entire play by William Shakespeare is that last almost benediction which is pronounced upon him when the lines occur ďgood night, sleep... well...Ē

BUZZ

KW: ďGood night, sweet Prince...Ē

NP: Yes I know.

KW: ď... in flights of angels, sing thee to thy... rest.Ē

NP: Thatís right.

KW: I always think it should be ďsing thee to thy sleepĒ because I want the two Ss. Do you follow me? I love that alliteration, you know. Nice, isnít it.

NP: But it is also very difficult to do a quotation in Just A Minute when youíre trying to keep going without repetition and all the other things. But you did very well, you kept going for 58 seconds with interruptions. And Clementís got in with two seconds to go starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I...

CF: You didnít say it.

NP: I did say ďnowĒ didnít I?

CF: Very slowly.

NP: Kenneth...

CF: Shall we try it again? Shall we try it again?

NP: ... you have half a second on Hamlet starting now.

KW: ďTo thine ownself be true...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: I probably donít need to tell you that after all the interruptions that Kenneth had which gained him many points, he has increased his lead considerably at the end of that round. Which is an unusual position for Kenneth to be in, but one which he deserves. Clement will you take the next round, the subject omelette. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: Whereas Hamlet was a Scandinavian Tory, often known as the Danish Blue, omelette is a concoction of eggs, often containing some fish or meat or vegetable inside content. Even cheese, I venture to say. You take half a dozen of these hen fruit, put them into a bowl, and whisk them with a fork if possible, iced water, cream, and little pieces of butter. At which time you get a pan very hot indeed, put a miniscule amount of fat into it, and swish the mixture into the frier...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryerís challenged.

BC: Repetition of into.

CF: Oh!

NP: Oh!

KW: Come! Come! Come!

CF: Boo! Boo!

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Well the audience let him know what they think about that! You see?

NP: Somebody actually clapped though.

KW: No, no, no, the majority agree it was nit picking! Pure nit picking! There was Clement, giving a lovely, an eloquent discourse, wasnít he. Most eloquent! All of us were hanging on his words...

BC: There wasnít a plaw, there was an applaw!

NP: But what weíll do is we wonít charge anything on that because...

KW: Quite right! What a very good chairman!

NP: I mean if heíd said...

BC: Oh!

NP: If heíd said into three or four times, then I think we do pick it up. Clement, ah you still have the subject of omelette and you have 23 seconds starting now.

CF: Parsley and mint are other useful ingredients to wrap into the mixture about which we have already talked. Now it is terribly important, I would like none of you to forget, that when an omelette is served, the plate should be hot...

WHISTLE

NP: Well if we havenít already lost half our listeners who have gone out to make omelettes after that interesting discourse from Clement, let me tell you that he gained a number of points in the round, including one for speaking as the whistle went. He has moved forward, heís now only two behind our leader Kenneth Williams. Theyíre both quite a few ahead of Gyles Brandreth and Barry Cryer. And Gyles begins the next round, and the subject Gyles is singlet. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

GB: Many people would think that a singlet is a garment that you wear for indulging in sporting activities. I happen to know it is a name given to a girl in Scandinavia who takes part in other sorts of entertainment. I know this because a few years ago I was a member of Lord Longfordís team investigating pornography. I still have the raincoat that I wore at the time, though my wife has actually sewn up the pockets. And now I wear it on rainy days, high days and holidays. Now the point of all this is that I met my first singlet when I was in Copenhagen with Lord Longford, reaping the porn. She was a charming girl, a nymphet you would describe her as...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Lord Longford.

NP: Yes! He, Clement let it go for a bit but he picked you up on it. Twenty-six seconds on Lord Long, sorry on singlet Clement starting now.

CF: A singlet is a sort of close fitting vest. And if you ask whether it is better to leave your pants in the vestry, or to leave a singlet in the pantry, I would be totally open minded about which would be preferable to the other. Singlets I have never worn myself, because having a hairy chest, I manage to keep warm enough in the cold weather, without protective clothing of any kind...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud kept going till the whistle went, gained another point, and heís now equal with Kenneth in the lead. Barry Cryer begins the next round, the subject Barry is after singlet, doublet. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

BC: A doublet is a close fitting garment for the upper part of the male body. But has another connotation, a semantic one, in which one... ahhhhh!

BUZZ

NP: Gyles.

GB: I think we need to get a doctor, he seems to have had a nervous breakdown!

NP: Right Gyles, I agree with the challenge, you have a...

BC: So do I!

NP: ... 48 seconds on doublet starting now.

GB: In the French version of the play Hamlet which is entitled Omelette En France, doublet and hose are worn by the hero, the Prince of Denmark, or Prance de Denmark. And on this particular occasion, the (goes into French)

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer has challenged.

GB: What?

NP: Barry challenged you, Barry Cryer.

BC: The, the, the burden of his remarks is now the play Hamlet, either in English or French, nothing to do with the subject.

NP: I agree, he has, deviation from doublet, youíve gone on to the connections between the two Hamlets, ah the two foreign versions. Right, 33 seconds for you Barry on doublet starting now.

BC: Doublet has another semantic connotation...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Itís the second semantic.

NP: You had semantic when you were speaking before.

BC: Oh yes I did.

NP: Yes.

BC: Clementís very anti-semantic, I think!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement you have doublet, 29 seconds starting now.

CF: A man came to me in March Marketplace and said ďif I give you five pounds, will you double it?Ē And I said ďit would take me several months at an interest compounded at nine percent before I would be able to do this with any safety in the capital sum assuredĒ. And the man said ďthat isnít really what I mean...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: This man said and the man said again.

NP: Yes, the man.

CF: Yes.

NP: Well Kenneth, well listened Kenneth. There are 12 seconds on doublet with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The garment got the name doublet because it actually folds over twice. Now thatís the point, you see. It is in fact material doubled. And singlet isnít doubled so it canít...

WHISTLE

NP: So um, so Kenneth you did quite fairly keep going till the whistle, and youíve gone into the lead ahead of Clement Freud. And itís your turn to begin again. And the subject is a nice one, my advice to a young girl on her first date. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well a young girl on her first date should be very careful not to get the stone between her teeth, because it can be murder having to find that. On the other hand if it is a girl on her first date in the sense of amour, then I would advise her to cut out the jawing! Get him into the bedroom as quickly as can possibly be managed. And then murmur a lot of wonderfully delightfully endearing things in his ear'ole. And preferably get the cocktails and the drinkettes ready, may yourself look pretty ravishing, and heíll be coming up to your house and making you a very nice proposition! And youíll end up with Mister Right! I feel the positive is the thing youíve got to go for. Itís no good sitting there being negative. After all Rome wasnít built in a day...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that, Kenneth kept, started with the subject, finished with it, kept going magnificently on it, giving advice that no father would ever give to his daughter on her first date, and has increased his lead. Heís now two ahead of Clement Freud, and a few ahead of the other two. Clement would you take the next round, the subject, plumbing. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Plumbing has become a 20th century art form, in that itís now performed by people with no knowledge of the craft whatsoever. They answer telephones, and when you ring up and say something has gone wrong with my water heater, they come along and smash in the front door, rip out the piping, explode the electric system, and charge you 75 pounds for an opinion! And a costing as to whether they should return within the next three months and wreck the entire house. I have no great faith in this profession. And at one time was requested in Parliament to give my support to The Plumbers Registration Bill. No, I said, people should have the right to do what they will with otherís property. So, as of now, as they say, for the time being, any tradesman who wishes to get a pair of pliers and run amok or play havoc with where you live is entitled to do so...

WHISTLE

BC: Ah!

NP: Well that doesnít often happen in Just A Minute. In two successive rounds, someone started with the subject, finishing. And when that happens of course, the person not only gets a point for speaking as the whistleís going but a bonus point for not being interrupted. Gyles Brandreth, another character, 60 seconds for you to talk on the subject of toys I still enjoy. Would you tell us something about that starting now.

GB: The principal toy that i still enjoy is the oy-oy, this is because I am a dyslexic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Iíve never heard of it. Is there really a toy called the oy-oy?

NP: If youíre dyslexic, if youíre dyslexic, yes.

KW: Oh? How very weird.

NP: Write it down, write it down and read it backwards. Kenneth, Clement whatís your challenge?

CF: Even had it been a yo-yo, it would have been repetition of yo or oy!

GB: No, itís a double barrelled word with a hyphen in the middle.

NP: Yo-yo, it is a hyphenated word, yo-yo.

BC: Itís an internal repetition, isnít it?

NP: No, no, itís hyphenated, we allow it. So Gyles weíre still with you...

CF: What, oy-oy?

BC: Yes it is hyphenated.

NP: Yes Clement...

CF: Oy-oy?

NP: Well it must be, he was dyslexic. The hyphen would be there in the middle whether itís yo-yo or oy-oy.

BC: Itís still repetition, isnít it?

NP: No, I think...

CF: Would elephant-elephant not be...

NP: Yes, we allow hyphenated words...

BC: I think Clementís interruption was one of the finest Iíve ever heard on this programme.

NP: Forty-two seconds for Gyles, toys I still enjoy starting now.

GB: I recently went...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! You didnít get going Gyles.

GB: Come outside and Iíll hyphenate you!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Incredible isnít it! Itís a disgrace!

NP: Yes I agree with you Kenneth, one of the more disgraceful programmes that we have performed. But ah there are 40 seconds, two seconds before he spoke. So youíre going to tell us something about toys I still enjoy starting now.

KW: Well itís my abacus, and I love rolling the balls up and down the wires and I feel that Iím going back to something so basic. And I donít want to know about all these modern calculators. They havenít got that same charisma, charm, magic, call it what you will. But anyway itís something I have a yen for, plus the rubber duck of course which I have full of suds, and I love to squeeze it in the bath, and squirt the water all over myself. I really feel quite sexy when Iím doing it! And I asked my doctor and he said Ďwell of course, some toys...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of well.

NP: Oh you are rotten!

KW: Too ludicrous, isnít it. Heís just getting, heís just getting, what do you call it? Narky, isnít he.

NP: Well Iím afraid it is correct and there are four seconds to go and I think we...

KW: Well thatís what he does it for, you see. He just gets in on that four seconds! Heís got nothing to contribute to the subject, only a bit. He can only do four seconds, so he waits till that period, you see.

NP: Yes well I have to make these judgements...

KW: I know! Itís a heavy burden on your shoulders!

NP: Well I will shoulder my heavy burden, and as much as it goes against my nature and instincts, I will say Kenneth, Iím afraid it was a correct challenge. And so Clement has four seconds on toys I still enjoy starting now.

CF: The toy I most enjoy from my childhood days is called rhinoceros-rhinoceros!

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged as he said it, but Kenneth, Clement was very clever and he said the second rhinoceros after the whistle went, or as it went. So...

CF: Itís hyphenated!

NP: Mmmm?

CF: Like, like oy-oy! Itís all hyphenated!

NP: Yes I know and...

BC: Hear hear!

NP: We just heard other people other people are going to be hyphenated after the show! The laughter at the present moment, I must explain to the listeners, is that Kenneth is quite overcome with his success and is making up in a very strange way to Clement Freud and sits beside him. And Clement as usual is showing his usual style and panache and completely ignoring it, as we used to say...

BC: I give it three weeks!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And who said this wouldnít make good television? Right, let me tell you...

BC: The television people!

NP: (laughs) Youíre very good when youíre not doing...

BC: When Iím not playing the game! Yes!

NP: Let me now try and give you the final score before our time runs out. Barry Cryer, coming off his previous triumphs, didnít quite triumph on this occasion. He finished in fourth place, he did manage to gain one or two points, and um he made some very good points which he didnít get any points for. Gyles Brandreth made a lot of points, and he gained a lot of points, but he finished up in third place, quite a few points behind Clement Freud, who was quite a few points out in the lead. But along with him in the lead was Kenneth Williams, neck and neck until the final whistle, when they both finished up as our joint winners! So we do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. And will want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.