JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,MKington
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and MILES KINGTON, with commentary by PAUL MERTON, and chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 April 1983)

NOTE: Miles Kington's only appearance.


PAUL MERTON: Okay Nicholas, letís move on 12 months. Our next hour of Just A Minute is from April 1983. It features an extraordinary impression of Kenneth Williams by your good self. When did you start impersonating Kenneth? Was it part of a stage act or...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Iíd never impersonated him before.

PM: Oh really?

NP: I did start as an impersonator, as you know, doing impersonations...

PM: Yes.

NP: ... at the Carol Leveress Discovery years ago.

PM: Yes.

NP: So Iíve always been able to mimic. Iíd never done Kenneth. But suddenly it was very courageous and bold of me. He could have gone quite the other way...

PM: Yes sure.

NP: ... when I did it.

PM: Yes.

NP: And I remember Kennethís reaction was, was funny and clever. But this is what happens in Just A Minute, as you must know, youíre living dangerously...

PM: Yes.

NP: ... in the professional sense.

PM: Yes.

NP: So you suddenly say something, not knowing if itís going to be successful or not and hoping you get a reaction.

PM: Absolutely. Absolutely, thereís no guarantee is there.

NP: So you have to chance your arm.

PM: Yes, so the cast in this one, the panel in this one, the players are Kenneth, Clement, Peter Jones and Miles Kington.

NP: And Miles Kington came in.

PM: So this recording, like so many of the recordings of Just A Minute in the first 20 years of its existence was recorded at the Paris Studio...

NP: Thatís right.

PM: ... in Lower Regent Street.

NP: Yes yes.

PM: Which is...

NP: Until they lost the studio.

PM: Yes.

NP: I donít know whether they forgot, couldnít afford to pay the rent, or whether...

PM: I think it was a financial thing because I, I certainly really enjoyed recording stuff at the Paris. I thought it was very intimate and...

NP: It was a cinema originally you know.

PM: Yes thatís right.

NP: Paris Cinema. And then we went to the Radio Theatre which had less atmosphere. The Paris Studio was a studio.

PM: Do you know, I donít know if you know how the BBC came to acquire the Paris Studio. It was, as you say, it was a cinema, it was underground, and it was during the Second World War.

NP: I do know that.

PM: Yes yeah.

NP: And thatís where I did my first broadcast which I mentioned earlier on.

PM: Oh.

NP: ... at the Carol Leveress Discovery.

PM: Yes.

NP: Because they could record during the day when there was no bombing going on in London.

PM: Right.

NP: And thatís where my very first ever radio broadcast came from the Paris Studio, so I had a great sentimental attachment to it.

PM: Yes, yes itís a shame that itís gone. I, I used to enjoy it very much there. And as you say, the new Radio Theatre is um, itís more a concert hall really.

NP: It was built as a concert hall, and therefore itís somewhat impersonal. And I find, I donít know whether you notice, that when weíre performing there that the audience reaction is sort of sucked up to the ceiling...

PM: Yes.

NP: ... which is what you want for music.

PM: Exactly.

NP: But not for comedy.

PM: No.

NP: You want it coming back to us so we can respond to it.

PM: Yes youíre quite right, the acoustic is a bit strange there. Clement, in this show, mentions that Peter Jones begins every subject...

NP: I was going to mention that, yes.

PM: ... with well!

NP: You see, this is what happens when you play it regularly. Thereís a moment, Peter for some reason, it is quite useful, and your time starts now, well, and off you go. So he would regularly do that. And Clement whoís got, well heís very clever at challenges he comes in with, he got him on repetition of well. And another time he challenges him, he says ďhe didnít begin with wellĒ. Which the audience love and itís very inventive and very creative and itís those moments. You come up with some wonderful ones like that.

PM: Peter is always a wonderful player of the game, and in this one he, I think he, does he got for nearly a minute on a subject?

NP: He went for one minute 15 seconds.

PM: Oh right!

NP: He started and he was tripping up. Itís occasionally what happens, the rest of the team get the message...

PM: Yes.

NP: ... heís struggling a little, letís make him suffer!

PM: Yes! (laughs) Donít challenge him, yeah!

NP: This is where youíre all good sports.

PM: Yes.

NP: Because you realise the success of the show is more important than individual success.

PM: Oh absolutely, totally.

NP: You see Peter, whoís a lovely fellow, you know heíll take it in good part.

PM: Yes.

NP: And he goes on and he struggles and so forth. The audience get the message and the laughter builds and of course Iím even naughtier, I let him go beyond the minute. And I think at the end, I said ďPeter, well you did extraordinarily well, you went for one minute and 15 seconds, you repeated and hesitated.Ē But the audience love it and in other words, you grab those moments that you can...

PM: Yes.

NP: ... in order to create different humour and different events.

PM: Exactly, exactly, exactly.

NP: I think we should mention in this show, which was again, something quite exceptional. When somebody does go for the full minute without being challenged, genuinely without hesitating, repeating or deviating, Kenneth Williams, who rarely did it, goes for a whole minute on New York. Now obviously he knew his New York, because itís an incredible example, especially for Kenneth.

PM: Yes.

NP: Because he invariably hesitated at some point.

PM: Yes yes.

NP: Heíd keep changing voices in order to sustain himself. But that was a memorable moment.

PM: Yes it is, I mean it doesnít happen that often, does it...

NP: No.

PM: ... that somebody can get through to a minute.

NP: Even less now. Iíve noticed that you will achieve it sometimes because you take your subject into the realm of the surreal, and theyíre all a bit frightened to challenge, they donít know whether itís deviation or not.

PM: Yes! (laughs) Donít tell Ďem!

NP: I sometimes think itís those memorable moments in an edition of Just A Minute like Peter not being interrupted and Kenneth going for the whole minute which help to make those editions rather special.

PM: Yes absolutely right. Well letís have a listen then, this is from April 1983.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Miles Kington in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Thank you, thank you very much. Well once again here in the Paris Studio, in the heart of the big city of London, we have a fresh keen audience waiting to enjoy Just A Minute. And as you've just heard, we welcome a guest on the programme, who has not played the game before. It is Miles Kington. And once again they are all going to try and speak at different times, we hope, on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And the first subject is trade tricks, and Peter Jones would you like to take it and start the programme now.

PETER JONES: Well my father was an antique dealer, and occasionally made reproduction furniture. And sometimes those manufacturers imitate worm holes with a drill. But he never stooped to that. He always used real worms! And sometimes also actors reveal on television various tricks that they have for making themselves cry for instance, using a raw onion in the palm of the hand, or concealed up a sleeve. And there are other various ah welcome...

BUZZ

NP: Miles Kington you pressed your buzzer, you have challenged. What was it?

MILES KINGTON: I thought he hesitated.

NP: He did hesitate yes. And so you get a point for a correct challenge, and you take over the subject of trade tricks and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

MK: Most of the tricks of the trade that I admire are practised by politicians on television. When they go on and are interviewed, they always say after the question, ďbefore I answer that, may I just say thisĒ. That is because they have come prepared with what they really want to say, and they are going to pronounce this, come hell or high water. Sooner or later, they may get...

WHISTLE

NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was Miles Kington, our guest this week, who in fact is the only one to have scored at the end of that round. Clement Freud will you take the next round, and the subject is pea shooters. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: A pea shooter is a cube, usually made of metal, wherein you put a pea, and hit it by breath, causing an impact and possible death, either by halitosis or simply by contact with the projectile. Thereís no need to restrict the shooter to a pea. You could use a lentil or small bean, of which variety I suggest that lima, erico, brown and black are the most suitable...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, the same pea shooter wouldnít ah accept a red bean and a lentil.

CF: I didnít say a red bean.

PJ: Itís either, it would be too big for the lentil or too small for the bean.

NP: Yes, I agree, if the subject is pea shooters, you, you canít assume that youíre now going into lentil shooters and broad bean shooters...

PJ: He mentioned it! He brought up lentil shooters, I didnít!

NP: No, I know he did, and therefore Iím agreeing with you, and giving my reason...

PJ: You are?

NP: ... for agreeing with you, because otherwise I will get flak from the other side, for giving you the decision and a point of course and the subject and 30 seconds to take over pea shooters starting now.

PJ: The best made...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes?

CF: He didnít say ďwellĒ!

LAUGHTER FROM MK, PJ, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Ah for those of you who have never heard Just A Minute before, Peter Jones often starts with ďwellĒ. And thatís what Clement was getting at. Letís give Clement Freud a bonus point for a lovely challenge, leave the subject with Peter Jones as he hasnít deviated from any of the crimes of the game, pea shooters and there are 27 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well! The best of them are made of metal, not cardboard as Clement er ah mentioned...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought he rather hesitated.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes he rather did indeed.

PJ: Hopeless.

NP: Kenneth you have the subject of pea shooters, there are 20 seconds starting now.

KW: There was a very funny scene in this film which I was watching, where the boy took one of these pea shooters, and blew the projectile, or whatever itís called, into the behind of a lady who was earnestly engaged in conversation with a neighbour. ďOhĒ she went, and screamed...

WHISTLE

NP: It was a French film, wasnít it? Iíve forgotten the title.

KW: No, it was Billy Liar.

NP: Oh!

KW: He did it from the window. Donít you remember?

NP: Ah Kenneth at the end of that round, you were speaking as the whistle went, you gained an extra point, and you are in the lead!

KW: Oh heavens! How marvellous! What a dream!

NP: Alongside Peter Jones and Miles Kington.

KW: Oh!

NP: And Clementís only one point behind. But Kenneth you begin the next round, the subject is Goldilocks. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: As far as I know, itís a childrenís story about a girl who calls on a house, in which are supposed to live three bears. And she goes into their beds, or eats their porridge, or something. But Goldilocks could easily apply, you see, to a girl with blonde plaits...

BUZZ

NP: Miles Kington has challenged.

MK: I think he said girl twice.

NP: Well listened, Miles. And there are now 23 seconds on, sorry, 37 seconds on Goldilocks starting now.

MK: Well itís about this girl, who goes into the house, and I or, have always found that this story...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he did get a bit um er um there.

PJ: I thought he did a bit.

MK: Tongue tied!

NP: Tongue tied, yes, which we call hesitation as well. So there are 32 seconds on Goldilocks with you Peter starting now.

PJ: A rather unattractive girl, I always thought. Because she was so possessive, and wherever she went, she was always counting the number of items that belonged to her, and complaining to whoever happened to be listening that some bear or other had been occupying her soup bowl, bed, chair or whatever, let alone eating...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of whatever.

PJ: Did I say whatever before?

CF: Yes you did.

NP: When?

CF: Before he said it this time!

PJ: I donít think I did.

CF: Thatís how repetitions occur!

NP: Yes.

PJ: No I didnít.

NP: But I didnít hear him say whatever before. So I disagree with the challenge, there are 12 seconds for you to continue on Goldilocks, Peter starting now.

PJ: Whatever she had...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud!

CF: Repetition of whatever.

NP: (laughs) Yes Iím afraid so! You did repeat it then.

PJ: ďWhatsoeverĒ I said before!

NP: No, no, you said whatever, no, no, no. You definitely said it. Ten seconds are left for Goldilocks, Clement starting now.

CF: Well! Goldilocks was the sort of girl who would keep going into houses and feeding bears with...

BUZZ

KW: He doesnít know what heís talking about! And heís, heís practically ground to a halt! Itís disgraceful!

NP: Youíve got in with two and a half seconds on Goldilocks, Kenneth starting now.

KW: She said to these bears, ďwhoís been stealing my...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of bears.

NP: You did mention the bears before, Iím afraid, when you were...

KW: Oh thatís true! Yes! That is right! Heís right about that!

NP: One secondís left for you Kenneth, Clement, on Goldilocks starting now.

CF: She never had a pea shooter!

WHISTLE

NP: So ah Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, he gained the extra point. Heís now in the lead alongside Peter Jones, theyíre both only one point ahead of Miles Kington and Kenneth Williams. And Miles begins the next round, the subject Miles is the double bass. Will you tell us something about that instrument in Just A Minute starting now.

MK: Well I have been playing the double bass now for about 15 years. And Iíve found in that time that itís not mastering the instrument thatís difficult, itís carrying it around. The transport is very difficult indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of difficult.

NP: Yes, mastering itís not difficult, carrying it around is very difficult.

MK: Youíre absolutely right!

NP: Yes! Bad luck! There are 47 seconds for the double bass with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Yes, carrying it around is certainly very difficult. But since I donít play one, I never actually have to do that. So Iím fortunate in a sense in being tone deaf. But I think itís very wise for Miles to have a second string, or indeed four of them on this particular double bass of his...

BUZZ

NP: Um Miles has challenged.

MK: My thumb jumped voluntarily. Ah I heard double bass, Iíd forgotten it was in the subject.

NP: Yes, you are allowed to repeat the subject on the card Iím afraid Miles. So bad luck, there are 29 seconds with you Peter...

PJ: Twenty-nine? I canít talk about double basses for 29 seconds!

NP: Why do you bother to come on the programme? Because you say this about half the subjects you get. But you still manage to keep going, and you often win! There are 29 seconds on the double bass starting now.

PJ: I remember a man who had a double bass. And he found it impossible to get it down the escalators into the underground. How they managed to do that with the trains, Iíve never been able to understand! But nevertheless he was walking along the platform, I saw him one night during the blitz. And when things got really terribly hairy, and people were getting... upset...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes indeed, five seconds on the double bass Clement starting now.

CF: It would be difficult to overstate the difficulty of taking a double bass into an underground train...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah so at the end of the round Peter Jones and Clement Freud are still equal in the lead, but only a little ahead of Kenneth Williams and Miles Kington. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject is pets. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

PJ: Well, quite often I donít like other peopleís. There are a number of neighbours of ours who have dogs. And they leave messes all over the pavement of the houses in front of us and on either side. And I do find it extremely unpleasant walking along, threading my way through these mountains of ah ghastliness and making er unpleasant messes of oneís shoes at the same time. But of course not all pets are like that. Tropical fish for instance are very clean and wholesome animals to have, if you can keep them warm. Ah they donít eat a lot, and you give them a few antís eggs, thatíll make them happy for a matter of weeks. Of course theyíre not awfully good companions. They donít respond to kindness or indeed cruelty. The worst that can happen is that one of them will come to the surface and float about on it for some time before expiring altogether. Down below on the... (starts to laugh)

WHISTLE

PJ: I knew it!

LAUGHTER FROM MK, KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís one of the sort of wickednesses that we indulge...

PJ: A conspiracy it was!

NP: ... in Just A Minute sometimes. Peter was really... struggling is the only word I can think of, throughout that. And instead of bothering to challenge him, they let him go on and struggle more and more.

PJ: I know, itís terribly boring for everybody!

NP: The only way I can say is youíve got to struggle into the fish mire...

PJ: Oh yes thatís it.

NP: You got more and more, but you went on for about one minute, 15 seconds.

PJ: Really?

NP: During which time you repeated, hesitated and deviated consistently!

PJ: Yes! And bored the living daylights out of everybody who is listening!

NP: But as nobody challenged you, you gave great value to the customers here, and the listeners I hope, and you get two points, one for speaking as the whistle went, and one for not being interrupted. So youíre now in a lead, two ahead of Clement Freud. I hope you think it was worth it!

PJ: Oh very good yes yes!

NP: The next subject is dentists. Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, and thereís Just A Minute as usual starting now.

CF: A dentist is one who treats diseases of the teeth. And in olden days, anyone with a pair of pliers was in for a job for life! I believe that today things have changed and you need some sort of certification, before you are let loose on the molars of such people as might call on you. Although there are still countries in which anyone can have a go. Now my dentist lives in New Cavendish Street, and Iím not allowed to give you the number or his name, because of the professional code of conduct which this profession engages. So all I can say is that he is five foot seven, has dark hair, is 54 years old, and answers to the name of Henry. Anyone who really would like to have details of his identity could write to me in a smooth brown paper envelope, enclosing if possible a postage stamp, for first class...

BUZZ

NP: Um Miles Kington challenged.

MK: I fancy heís deviating into the history of the Post Office.

NP: No, I mean he was getting a bit near the edge, but he...

MK: I think deviation should cover shameless commercial advertising.

KW: Hear hear! Yes! Hear hear! Quite right! Shameless commercial advertising!

NP: Well I thought it was commercial advertising but it wasnít shameless. But anyway, no I donít think he was quite deviating. So thereís one and a half seconds, dentists Clement starting now.

CF: It was awfully nice of Cadbury to drop...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud started with the subject and finished with it, but he was interrupted on the way. But he does get two points, one for speaking when the whistle went, one for being interrupted. And heís back equal in the lead with Peter Jones. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, New York. Will you tell us something about that fantastic city in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Originally called New Amsterdam, naturally because it was settled by the Dutch you see. And then changed its name to the appellation we all know and love, with the apex of razz-ma-tazz. And I remember Maggie Smith saying to me ďin New York, itís sort of electric! There is an atmosphere, itís quite extraordinary! You feel alive in a way that other cities donít give you!Ē And we talked about that extraordinary edifice, the Empire State Building, with that lift taking you up all those numbers of floors. And it got a lady right to the top, and she landed in a heap on the floor. And the elevator boy said ďare you all right?Ē and she said ďyes I always wear my corsets round my anklesĒ. I knew it, it was quite funny. New York wit is another thing, isnít it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well an interesting show this week, another first. Ah um starting with the subject and finishing with it, in this case Kenneth Williams. The subject of New York, two points, one for speaking as the whistle went, one for not being interrupted. And heís now in third place, just ahead of Miles Kington who begins the next round. Miles the subject is Charlie Combs. Can you tell us something about that great musician in the game starting now.

MK: I am actually too young to have remembered Charlie Combs at the very top of his fame. But my father collected a lot of his records, and they were always around the house. And he used to play them endlessly. And the one thing that struck me about the pianism of Charlie Combs was that he had the immaculate gift of making any tune written by almost all the composers of the world sound exactly the same! And his style was one which, although it approximated slightly to jazz which is my favourite type of music, was more like muzak that we have today. Iím allowed to mention that word on the radio because it is no longer a trade name, it is a generic word. Muzak...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of word.

NP: Yes youíre allowed to mention that word because itís a generic word. Sorry Miles.

MK: I canít remember that far back!

NP: So Clement youíve got in with 25 seconds on Charlie Combs starting now.

CF: I once hired a dinner jacket from a dress hire shop called Charlie Combs. And I was struck by the similarity of the name of the proprietor of that outfitting establishment, to the pianist about whom I had heard so much from Miles Kingtonís father, who constantly...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones takes the next round. The subject is variety, Peter, there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PJ: Oh I used to always look forward to going to the variety theatres in the old days. Many of them were twice nightly performing places. And I saw Max Miller and Jimmy James in particular I remember with tremendous affection and er pleasure...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: And er.

NP: Yes.

KW: Iím afraid hesitation.

NP: Yes definitely.

PJ: Yes yes, couldnít think of anybody else really!

NP: Forty-two seconds for you Kenneth to talk on the subject of variety starting now.

KW: I had the most wonderful good fortune to see in a fabulous variety bill that lovely performer, Nellie Wallace. And she said ďsuch a nice young man he was, always held my purse, said the change did him good!Ē And I fell about laughing because she was such a scream! And the orchestra used to make rude noises, that sounded like a raspberry. And then she would affect to be indignant about what was implied, do you follow me? And we used to giggle uncontrollably, not in the stalls where we would have liked to have been, but alas we hadnít that kind of money...

WHISTLE

NP: Well this week people are, contestants are really keeping going with the subjects without interruptions. Kenneth is now er still in third place and ah heís one behind Peter Jones. Theyíre just ahead of Miles Kington, Clement Freudís out in the lead. And he also begins the next round. The subject is hurrying Clement, and you have 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Hurrying is what happens when you indulge in salarity, swiftness, fleetness, speed, or any other accelerated motion, usually of the feet, but also any other limb that you would care to mention. I once hurried to work, before I remembered that I had lost my job. And then came back quite slowly because there seemed no great point in hurrying. I think thatís about it really! I can...

BUZZ

NP: He didnít hurry on, did he?

CF: I was challenged.

NP: You were challenged by Kenneth Williams.

KW: Yes well because he said ďthatís about itĒ, and seemed not to want to go on with it. I thought naturally itís hesitation.

NP: Yes yes, so Kenneth you have the subject of hurrying and 31 seconds starting now.

KW: It is a dangerous thing to indulge in, and let me tell you something! You will accomplish whatever you set out to achieve very badly, if you are hurrying. Because you must take your time and think the thing out. I was trying to put this spring back in the letterbox. And because I hurried, I cut my finger. Now if Iíd thought for a moment, you see, and sat down, and perhaps had the odd fag and a cup of tea and a couple of aspirin, I then would have tackled that job with infinitely more precision than in fact the way I did...

WHISTLE

NP: So words of wisdom and humour from...

KW: Yes and it gets me nowhere! I donít get no marks anyway! Whatís the point! Whatís the point! I ask myself!

NP: (doing very good impression of KW) You can ask yourself as often as you like!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Theyíre clapping your performance! Itís a disgrace! Shut up!

NP: (doing very good impression of KW) Maybe it was the impersonation!

KW: Oh I see! Is that how I look?

NP: (doing very good impression of KW) Oh Iím in the lead! Iím in the lead! Good, good, Iím in the lead! Oooooohhhh!

KW: If thatís what I look like, well one of us is terrible!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, you look worse than that!

KW: Oh!

NP: Youíre actually in second place, youíre only two points behind our leader Clement Freud. So keep going and you might well win this week. Youíre one ahead of Peter Jones and a few ahead of Miles Kington. And itís your turn to begin, the subject is Spencer. Will you tell us something on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well thereís Spencer the poet or thereís Spencer-Herbert who was something of a blobber, and anticipated the Darwinian theory of evolution, quite a time before anything of the other man was published. And I know he began life in Derby, with the intention of becoming a railway engineer. What a lovely town, it would have been in Derby, of course it was the perfect pitch for it, wasnít it...

BUZZ

NP: Miles Kington has challenged.

MK: Repetition.

KW: Very sharp! Very sharp, that Kington, isnít he!

NP: Let him speak! Miles...

KW: Yes I said Derby twice and heís got it.

MK: Yes yes yes!

KW: Well Iím not denying it! I come right out with it, there is no subterfuge with me...

MK: He knew that I knew that!

NP: He knew what?

MK: He was guilty, Derby Derby.

NP: But I had to be sure that you had heard, and I quite agree.

MK: Yes he said Derby twice.

NP: Repetition of Derby, and there are 33 seconds for you on Spencer starting now.

MK: I think you must be referring to Fred Spencer, an old friend of mine who taught me all I know about billiards, which is very little, I may say. But what he did teach me was enough to get me through one of those embarrassing moments when you are forced to play billiards...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Two balls!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Repetition.

CF: Yes.

NP: Right. Eighteen seconds on Spencer starting now.

CF: The family name of our beloved Princess of Wales, and what a good thing to call the wife of His Royal Highness, the Prince. I met her first when her father...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Miles Kington challenged.

MK: I could only just hear him, but I think he said Prince twice. Prince of Wales and the Prince...

CF: Princess.

NP: Princess before. Our lovely Princess of Wales the first time. I know itís difficult when Kenneth Williams is beside him, making funny faces to the audience! I have to say that so our listeners will...

PJ: He was mumbling as well!

MK: Weíve only got the moving of Clementís lips to go by!

PJ: We canít see them because of the beard, you see.

NP: Yes!

PJ: Iím relying on, I mean Iíve learnt lip-reading in order to get on this programme! And Iím completely defeated by the beard!

NP: What you donít know also that Kenneth Williams who sits beside him is also a brilliant ventriloquist!

PJ: Indeed he is, and thatís not the only thing he is!

NP: Um...

MK: Well itís another point down the swanny there, Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid so. Six seconds are left on Spencer, Clement starting now.

CF: Six seconds is a very good time to spend on The Fairy Queen by Spencer. I would...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud has increased his lead a little at the end of the round. And Miles Kington begins the next round, and the subject is deadline. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

MK: Being a journalist, Iím very dependent on deadlines. Iíve found that in the newspaper world, people who write for these publications tend to be very flabby if they try to do their articles well in advance. They tend to leave things right till the last...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of tend.

NP: Yes, right Peter, there are 46 seconds for deadline starting now.

PJ: My experience has been that itís absolutely imperative when writing anything to have a deadline. Otherwise one procrastinates and delays. And sometimes goes off on some deviation or other, and never gets round to doing the job in hand. But knowing that one is going to receive a modest cheque, or even praise from the editor or employer who has instigated this er exercise in literary skill...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Er.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Er yes, I did yes.

NP: You erred there indeed and there are 14 seconds left for Kenneth Williams to go on deadline starting now.

KW: It means the ultimate period when you cannot go any further. And the deadline in a ship, you see, is the Plimsoll line. And that denotes that the cargo is of such a weight, that its balance in the water has become rather, well sometimes precarious, other times...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that ah strong...

KW: Itís flattering that no-one picked me up, because deadlineís nothing to do with the Plimsoll line! Nothing to do with it at all!

NP: Absolutely nothing at all! Weíve reached the end of the show alas, so let me tell you that our guest Miles Kington finished in fourth place, but he did extremely well for the first time and contributed tremendously to the programme. Thanks a lot Miles, I hope youíll come back. He was just behind Peter Jones who finished in third place, who was two points behind Kenneth Williams, who was three behind this weekís winner, who is Clement Freud! We hope youíve enjoyed listening, we hope youíve enjoyed the game as much as weíve enjoyed playing it, and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we all play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.