JAM:CFreud,GNorton,LSmith,RNoble
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, GRAHAM NORTON, LINDA SMITH and ROSS NOBLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 March 2004)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you! Thank you! Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only those who hear us on Radio Four, the Internet, and also of course around the world on the World Service. We welcome all those and we welcome to the show this week four exciting, individual and talented players of the game. And seated on my left I have two of them here who are reacting to each other, and that is Graham Norton and Ross Noble. And seated on my right, itís Linda Smith and Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them all to speak on a subject I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, who is going to help me keep the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Warwick Arts Centre, which is on the campus of the University of Warwick, which is near Coventry. And we have a lovely Warwickshire audience and a West Midland audience ready to cheer us on our way. As we begin the show with Linda Smith. Linda, I canít believe it. Guess what the first subject is? Warwick Castle.

LINDA SMITH: You didnít give me very long to guess, did you?

NP: Sixty seconds as usual to talk on it starting now.

LS: Warwick Castle, like most things pertaining to Warwick, for example the University, is situated conveniently in Gloucestershire, which makes that place very handy for a day trip. Itís a beautiful place I am told, largely by Clement Freud. Ah a castle of...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

ROSS NOBLE: Hesitation.

NP: Yes that was a hesitation, Ross.

LS: Do you think?

NP: Yes.

RN: Yes.

NP: And so we decided it was hesitation Linda. And so Ross itís a correct challenge. You get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, there are 43 seconds available, Warwick Castle starting now.

RN: Warwick Castle was built by the Normans, Wisdom and Collier, they were the two! A lot of people think it goes a lot further back than that. But no, youíd be very very wrong...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Just A Minute!

RN: Youíd be very very very wrong!

NP: Right, Graham you got in first on the very very. So you take over the subject, having got a point for the correct challenge, 32 seconds, Warwick Castle starting now.

GRAHAM NORTON: Warwick Castle was originally built in 1652, and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Wasnít!

GN: Come on, it was worth a guess! Like Iíd know!

NP: What year was it built, Clement?

CF: Oh, the 13th century.

NP: Yes thatís right, that is sufficient for the challenge Clement, you have the subject, you have the point, you have Warwick Castle, and 29 seconds starting now.

CF: I think perhaps the most notable resident of Warwick Castle was John Neville, who was whatever number Earl of Warwick. Who was known as the Kingmaker, and who died in Barnet which I always thought was rather, um, downmarket...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: A bit of a hesitation there.

NP: There was an um, definite um.

RN: Yeah yeah, a massive hesitation!

CF: Well dying in Barnet is...

NP: So Ross, a correct challenge, a point to you and 13 seconds, Warwick Castle starting now.

RN: Warwick Castle was Roy Castleís brother. And when he was not off filming Record Breakers, with Cheryl Baker, he was spending his time wanzing about...

BUZZ

NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Wanzing? Thatís not a word, is it?

RN: Itís a specific thing that happens in the Warwick area!

GN: Ah!

RN: Itís a, itís an ancient Warwick tradition.

GN: Iím a fool!

RN: Itís like wandering and waltzing combined! Wanzing!

NP: Graham he was deviating from English as we understand, and so you have three seconds to go on Warwick Castle starting now.

GN: In the 13th century, this beautiful building was first created...

WHISTLE

NP: So whoever is speaking in this game, when the whistle goes, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Graham Norton, so heís in the lead at the end of the first round. And Ross will you take the next round. The subject is novel ideas. Youíve got many in your head but tell us something about them in this game starting now.

RN: Barbara Cartland had many novel ideas. But not for books, oh no! She actually thought about opening a theme park called Barbaraís Cart Land! Which was a place you could go to where the old novelist would be sitting there on a horse drawn vehicle and she would run about the place, pulling it, pull, lad, pull, like a fool!

BUZZ

NP: Yes Clement you challenged.

CF: Repetition of Barbara. I didnít want to come in too soon!

NP: Yes but...

CF: I wanted him to go on for a bit!

NP: Yes so you came in later, correct challenge, Clement. Thirty-eight seconds, novel ideas starting now.

CF: I keep getting ideas for novel, like this um 1-8 Japanese...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Um.

NP: Yes like this um, I get ideas for a novel like this um.

CF: Yes that was...

NP: Yes right.

CF: I donít deny it.

NP: You have that sort of...

CF: That was the novel, um!

NP: A good answer, but Iím not going to accept it Clement. So Linda you got in...

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: He was wriggling out of it, come on! Heís clever at the game, heís clever at these different ploys of playing the game. And 31 seconds for you Linda, novel ideas starting now.

LS: Novel ideas is a lovely catalogue that comes through the door with all kinds of items to buy. It will say things like ďat last an end to no special table for your jigsaw miseryĒ. And Iím drawn in and think yes, how have I lived without that item up until now. A special thing to catch spiders, surely I need to purchase this immediately or my life is worthless and I might as well die now in horrible agony because it is so...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Linda you had us all in agony then. The audience were on the edge of their seats because you actually gathered pace as you went along. And Graham, itís your turn to begin, the subject, Concorde. And would you tell us something about our Concorde, 60 seconds starting now.

GN: I actually travelled on Concorde. In my mind it was like a sort of flying National Express bus. It was no great shakes. But my God, it was full of rich people! They came around before takeoff and said ďwould you like a glass of champagne?Ē To which the answer is ďyes please, a bucket! This thing is costing me a fortune!Ē The lady behind me was offered the same drink. She asked ďare you still serving the Tattinger?Ē

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Ah repetition of asked.

NP: Yes.

GN: Oh how mean!

RN: Iím so sorry!

GN: Little, tiny little... Iíll get you Noble!

RN: Youíve got the cash to fly on Concorde! Not me!

NP: Youíve flown on Concorde. So Ross, correct challenge, ask, 33 seconds are available, Concorde starting now.

RN: The trouble with Concorde is it goes so quickly that all the makeup that the stewardesses flies off, and can land on anyone in their seats. And you will think that theyíre somebody else. A little bit like Tom Cruise in the Mission Impossible film. You might be sat there chatting one moment...

BUZZ

NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of might.

NP: Yes. Yeah a tough challenge but he did say might be and you might be sitting there. Right...

RN: Yeah and not only that, he was flicking me with money under the table! Big wads of cash!

NP: So Graham you got in with 17 seconds on Concorde starting now.

GN: (laughing) Oh...

BUZZ

NP: Youíre like a naughty boy at school, you werenít concentrating, were you?

GN: Sorry! I lost it! I lost it!

NP: You were fooling around with Ross!

GN: I was!

NP: You two naughty boys together at that table! And so, our prefect challenged first. Which is Clement Freud.

GN: Oh right, okay.

NP: And your challenge of course was?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation of course, because they werenít paying attention, the naughty boys!

RN: So weíre the naughty boys, and heís the prefect...

NP: Heís the prefect yes.

LS: I must be matron!

RN: I sense a head boy joke coming on!

NP: No, no, no...

GN: Iím not touching it!

NP: No, no, itís a mixed educational school so thatís why Lindaís there as well.

GN: Ah.

NP: So right Clement, youíve got 16 seconds, tell us something about Concorde starting now.

CF: Concord is the capital town of New Hampshire. And one hears quite a lot about it because the state which I have just mentioned beginning with the letters N and H is where the first election results, the preliminaries for the Presidentship are...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. Heís equal with Graham Norton at the end of that round. And Linda your turn to begin, the subject is the third way. Tell us something about the third way starting now.

LS: The Third Way was a wonderful film with Orson Welles and Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson! And it had a marvellous scene in a ferris wheel...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two marvellouses Iím afraid.

NP: Yes.

LS: It was a wonderful film.

NP: But...

GN: It should have been marvellous as well.

LS: Yes.

NP: Clement, 53 seconds, tell us something about the third way starting now.

CF: If you have scales and try and determine your weight, you can quite often stand on a particular corner of the platform and weigh very much less than you do if you stand in the centre. Now the third weigh for me is the important one, because Iíve worked out exactly what position to take in order to achieve the sort of poundage or... kilogrammage...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: A slight hesitation.

NP: No, a definite hesitation, youíre all right Linda. Twenty-seven seconds, the third way starting now.

LS: The third way really is a political system dreamed up by some New Labour people. Iím not quite sure what it involves really. An awful lot of nonsense and nothingness. I feel really thereís very little to say on the subject, as it has so little substance...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

LS: And I said little twice.

RN: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes you did say little.

LS: Iím owning up to it.

NP: Right, 12 seconds for you Ross, tell us something about the third way starting now.

RN: Well she advertised stair lifts, and she was in Last Of The Summer Wine as well, it was a very popular show. And she would go up and down the particular things and she was...

WHISTLE

NP: Right...

RN: I didnít deserve that!

NP: Well you were speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, you moved forward.

RN: But that was so lame! I canít believe I just...

NP: Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is the worst website I know. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: I suspect that the person who thought of that subject also conceived that one would begin with the letter W and repeat that 23rd digit of the alphabet a number of times. Um I think...

BUZZ

NP: Graham challenged.

CF: Um, my novel I keep...

GN: I might be wrong. Perhaps Sir Clement was beginning to discuss his new novel. But I, I sensed a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation Graham. So you have 45 seconds to tell us something about the worst website I know starting now.

GN: The worst website I know is hot-naked-Sir-Clement-dot-com. Perhaps in the...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: There was a little bit of a pause there.

NP: No, I donít think so. I mean Iíd love to stop him! But ah...

RN: For everyoneís sake!

NP: Yes but I donít think there was so Graham an incorrect challenge, 31 seconds for you now still on the worst website I know starting now.

GN: The worst website I know is something else then than I just said...

BUZZ

NP: And Linda challenged.

LS: I think he said two thens.

NP: Yes.

GN: Yes yes.

NP: Yes it looked as if he was trying to give it away. And Linda you came in first, the worst website I know, 26 seconds starting now.

LS: The worst website I know is in my loft, itís full of webs. The spiders just go mad, weaving those webs all...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Repetition of webs.

NP: Yes.

LS: I thought I could say it... oh no!

NP: No! Just to explain to the listeners, you can repeat the subject on the card, or any one of the subjects in the phrase. But in this case webs is not there. And Ross you spotted it first, itís all gone very quiet, Iíll get on as quick as I can. And 18 seconds Ross, the worst website I know starting now.

RN: The worst website I know is the-Amish-dot-com. It really is absolutely rubbish because those particular folk arenít allowed to use computers or any form of electricity. In fact when you log on, they just come to your house and build a barn with all of the information written on...

WHISTLE

NP: Ross Iím almost tempted to give you a bonus point for that delightful joke you made at the end there. But anyway you got one for speaking as the whistle went. And itís all very close, in this order, one point separating them, Linda Smith, Clement Freud, Ross Noble, Graham Norton, in that order ascending. And Linda your turn to begin, changing the sheets. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

LS: Changing the sheets happens quite a lot when youíre a baby, because of your incontinence problem. As you get older and become a student youíre not so keen on changing the sheets. In fact they have to shatter before the average person in a place of learning which I have just mentioned does that task! Then you move to a later stage of your life, and changing the sheets becomes a pleasant thing, something that you want to do. Then of course you become old, and weíre back to the start where you have to have the sheets changed constantly. Changing the sheets for me brings about a whole new set of sheets. This is a good thing, I like that to happen very often on the bed in which I sleep. I donít like the new sheets...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Oh! Iím sorry! There were two likes.

NP: There were two likes Iím afraid, yes. And those are the rules...

LS: There were two sheets as well if you did but know it!

NP: But thatís the irony of the show. Sheís gone for 48 seconds and hasnít got anything out of it. Clementís come in with 12 seconds to go and heís got a point and he might well...

LS: Injustice might be a better word than irony!

NP: Itís an irony of the game. But anyway Clement, changing the sheets, 12 seconds starting now.

CF: In order to be able to change sheets, you need more than one sheet. This is a simple but I think important message to send to people of this university in...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud spoke as the whistle went, has moved forward. Heís now equal with Graham Norton in the lead. And Ross Noble, itís your turn to begin, the subject, dressing for dinner. Can you tell us something about dressing for dinner in this game starting now.

RN: Dressing for dinner is a bad idea because you need salad as well. Itís wrong to simply just buy a big bottle of dressing and serve that up at the er assembled...

BUZZ

NP: Graham challenged. Graham your challenge?

GN: There was a slight hesitation.

NP: Oh definite hesitation. Graham I have to hear what youíre saying in case I disagree. So I agree with you on this occasion. Forty-nine seconds, you tell us something about dressing for dinner starting now.

GN: Dressing for dinner can be important, particularly when depending whatís being served. If itís a very messy meal, you might want to wear an entire rubber suit. Particularly if youíre eating with people, for instance chimps at a tea party. Because they have no manners at all. Have you seen them? You wouldnít invite people around. And they throw...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: You would if it was ah Lord Greystoke.

GN: Yes...

NP: What is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

RN: There is no challenge, I just like monkeys!

NP: You could have had him for hesitation but itís too late now. Sorry, right, 30 seconds, dressing for dinner still with you Graham starting now.

GN: Dressing for dinner is something that people donít do as much now as they used to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: People, you said people...

GN: Fair enough!

NP: Yes! Right Clement, you listened well, 28 seconds, dressing for dinner starting now.

CF: My favourite proposition used to be people saying to me ďwill you come upstairs and make love to me?Ē And now I have to reply ďone or the otherĒ!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Now the important thing about dressing for dinner is that unless you undress...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Ah a bit of a hesitation there.

NP: I think there was definite hesitation. I think he was almost retiring on his laurels with the laugh he got for that remark. Ross...

RN: I canít, I canít get the image out of my head!

NP: I know! Right, nine seconds for you on dressing for dinner starting now.

RN: I often dress for dinner at a local fancy dress shop. I go in there, a little bit like Mister Ben from the popular TV series and get myself...

WHISTLE

NP: So itís all very close. Ross Noble speaking as the whistle went has moved forward. Heís equal with Clement Freud, one point behind our leader Graham Norton. And Linda Smith is trailing just a little behind them. And Graham Norton, itís your turn to begin, the subject now is what I love about the West Midlands. Tell us something about the subject in this game starting now.

GN: What I love about the West Midlands is the way that youíve cleverly left the centre of your city uncluttered by anything that might contain its name. Such as the University, Arts Centre, Castle, or any point of interest at all. Is there anything in Warwick? I looked, I couldnít find anything! Now Iíve said anything twice...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, Clement was the first to buzz. Right you have 18... 33 seconds for you Clement, what I love about the West Midlands starting now.

CF: What I love about the West Midlands is that wherever you are in the West Midlands, youíre...

BUZZ

NP: Yes? Ross you challenged.

RN: A bit of a hesitation.

NP: No, no hesitation I noticed.

LS: No, I buzzed for deviation.

NP: Well itís too late now Linda...

GN: I didnít buzz! I was loving it!

NP: Clement, the buzz, the challenge that came in first which was the first light that came on was Rossís. Itís an incorrect challenge so youíve still got the subject, 28 seconds, what I love about the West Midlands starting now.

CF: Wherever you may be, youíre not terribly far away from Warwick Racecourse. Now this is a track of which Iím incredibly fond, where I shall go tomorrow, and of course when I say the following day it is not necessarily...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Course, racecourse, of course.

NP: No, racecourse is one word.

LS: No but Clement said ďof courseĒ and then ďthis is of courseĒ.

GN: At the end.

NP: She did say that, right, of course, of course, it wasnít part of racecourse. Right Linda youíve got in which you want on what I love about the West Midlands, 14 seconds starting now.

LS: What I love about the West Midlands is the way itís in the West Midlands. You just know where to find it, the West Midlands, itís in the West Midlands...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Repetition of ďitís inĒ.

NP: Itís in the West Midlands, in the West Midlands.

LS: True.

NP: Yes itís a tough one but itís correct Ross, so youíve got in there with four seconds on what I love about the West Midlands starting now.

RN: The safari park, Iíve visited there on many an occasion. There was a sign up...

WHISTLE

NP: So they all got points in the round. Ross got one for speaking as the whistle went as well, and heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud who happens to begin the next round. Clement the subject now is Rosemary. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: John Cleese wrote a cookbook in which he had an interesting recipe, for lamb with basil and rosemary. And what you did was you went to the butcher, and bought a joint of small sheep, and then phoned up Basil and Rosemary and asked them to come and have dinner with you...

BUZZ

CF: I have said Basil twice now.

NP: Graham you challenged first.

GN: I was going to point out the Basil thing too.

NP: Yes, repetition of Basil. And 40 seconds for you on rosemary starting now.

GN: Rosemary Ford, where is she now?

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Donít know!

NP: All right Clement, you work hard for your bonus points, have one for that, the audience applauded, they liked it. And Graham you have an interruption, therefore you have a point and 35 seconds, rosemary starting now.

GN: Rosemary Clooney, I wonder in what location she is residing at this moment. Perhaps sheí s just skipping down the stairs. Oh look out! Thereís a small terrier! Oh sheís fallen! But we canít be sure. Can weĒ No, thatís indeed a fact!

BUZZ

NP: Ross you challenged.

RN: That was a bit of a hesitation there.

NP: A bit of a hesitation, it was rubbish as well, i think. So 14 seconds Ross, you tell us something about Rosemary starting now.

RN: Thereís an old Geordie folk song about Rosemary and it goes a little bit like this. (singing) Rosemary, how are you, are you okay? Yes Iím not too shabby, thanks very much, unfortunately I have trouble with my knees...

WHISTLE

NP: So when are you going to record that, Ross?

RN: Itís going to be a Christmas single!

NP: So anyway you were speaking as the whistle went, youíve moved forward, youíre now in the lead, just one ahead of Graham Norton and Clement Freud equal in second place. Linda just behind them and Linda your turn to begin, the subject, the middle of the road. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

LS: The middle of the road is a very dangerous to... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Graham?

GN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was unfortunately.

LS: I would say.

NP: Tell us something about the middle of the road starting now.

GN: The middle of the road is a description of a sort of music. And I think thatís because you would like the people who sing it to stand there and have large trucks plough into them! Oh how weíd laugh! Iím not sure if anyone performs middle of the road tunes any more. Perhaps they do in small pubs in the centre of Warwick? But weíll never know because nobody goes there. Why would they, thereís nothing! I noticed as I made my way...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: There was a hesitation, there was a repetition of there.

NP: Yeah.

RN: And a hesitation.

NP: Well which do you want?

RN: Iíll have whateverís right!

NP: It was both so you can have it. Right, 11 seconds Ross on the middle of the road starting now.

RN: The middle of the road is a very crucial place for chickens, because that is where you find out the outcome of many jokes! Whatís going to happen, will it make it to the other side, or will there be no humour found in these hills...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two wills.

NP: WIll.

RN: Yep.

NP: Tough one but correct Clement. And youíve got in with one second, to go...

RN: Oooh!

NP: Middle of the road starting now.

CF: The middle of the road...

WHISTLE

NP: So weíre moving into the last round alas!

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well Iím glad youíve enjoyed it. I hope that wasnít agony!

GN: Another round! Oh no!

NP: Right weíre going into the final round so Iím sure youíd like to know the situation with the points before we do that. Because some people get very tense about this.

LS: Oh donít bother about the points.

NP: Well Linda no, you havenít got as many as the others, but youíre doing very well darling. But youíre unfortunately in fourth place, thatís all. And Graham Norton is in third place. But heís behind our joint leaders Ross Noble and Clement Freud. And Grahamís only one point behind.

GN: Oh itís tense! Itís tense!

NP: Itís tense, itís exciting, isnít it! Oh! Couldnít care less? Right, letís get on! Ross your turn to begin, so the final round starts with you and the subject is yin and yang starting now.

RN: Yin and Yang were a Chinese Cheech and Chong impersonator duo that used to perform all of their classic sketches but in a Chinesey style voice. Thatís right, thereís a big difference between the two, thatís right, itís a...

BUZZ

NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of thatís right.

NP: You did say thatís right twice.

RN: Yep.

NP: Yes there we are. The tensionís there, trying to keep going. Forty-four seconds with you Graham on yin and yang starting now.

GN: Yin and yang, oh, let me... commence...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: There was a little bit of a hesitation.

NP: He just didnít come in, did he. I donít know, he...

GN: (laughs) I didnít notice it myself!

NP: You, your yin and your yang just disappeared. Ross itís back with you, with another point, and yin and yang starting now.

RN: Whenever Batman would fight somebody from an Oriental place, that is what would come up on the screen. Yin! Yang! Rather than kapow! Biff! Kaplunk! Which is one of the things that would appear whenever he would...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Two appears.

RN: Come up on the...

NP: No, he said come up on the screen. Thatís right and appear, right. And so Linda youíve got in, 25 seconds to go, you tell us something about yin and yang starting now.

LS: Yin and Yang were in fact a Zen Buddhist comedy act. They were shite! And were very used to the sound of one hand clapping. This made their philosophy of life very helpful to them in those times of trouble. Iíve never really understood what yin and yang actually mean. Itís some kind of mystical thing that many...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Weíve had a thing before.

NP: Yes you did have a thing.

LS: From me?

CF: Yep.

NP: Yes so Clement you got in with seven, only one second to go? Gosh heís done it again! One second to go on yin and yang Clement starting now.

CF: Yang and yin!

WHISTLE

NP: So let me tell you the situation as weíve no more time to play Just A Minute. Linda Smith who gave such wonderful contribution, but alas, finished in fourth place. But she was behind Ross Noble, Graham Norton and Clement Freud who all finished up equal in first place, wasnít that a fair decision. Round of applause for all of them! So we have no more time to play Just A Minute, it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Graham Norton, Ross Noble, Linda Smith and Clement Freud. I also thank Janet Staplehurst, who has helped me keep the score, and sheís blown her whistle with such aplomb throughout. We also thank our producer director, that is Chris Neill. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this delightful game. And we are most indebted to this delightful audience here in the West Midlands who have come here to the Warwick Arts Centre on the campus of the University of Warwick. From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and our panel, and everyone, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC