JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,SHancock,GBrandreth
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, SHEILA HANCOCK and GYLES BRANDRETH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 April 1983)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Gyles Brandreth and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. This week we welcome back two of our regulars of the game, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. And two guests who have not only excelled, but theyíve also won the game more than once, Sheila Hancock and Gyles Brandreth. Once again Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject I give them, and theyíre going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. Letís begin the show this week with Gyles Brandreth. And it is the most loveable points of a rhinoceros. Gyles can you go on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

GYLES BRANDRETH: I have a small zoo at my home. And I live in the heart of rhinoceros country, Kensington West Eight. It is the part of the world where sex is what we have our potatoes delivered in! There I keep my little pet rhino who is a darling thing, and who is remarkable. The most loveable points about him being that he is an extremely literate rhinoceros. Indeed he loves to read the great poets, particularly Ogden Nash. He writes poems about them himself. Indeed he has just composed an ode to the deceased goldfish that is also in my collection. It goes ďoh wet petĒ! And when he dies, I have in mind to write a little poem in his honour...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of poem.

NP: Yes you mentioned the word poem before, Iím afraid Gyles. That was a marvellous start, lovely wasnít it!

DN: Yes awfully good, I think.

NP: It was most interesting yes. But Derek Nimmo did have a correct challenge of repetition, the word poems. So he takes over the subject having gained a point for that. And there are 19 seconds left, the most loveable points of a rhinoceros Derek starting now.

DN: I suppose what you consider to be the most loveable point depends whether youíre a lady rhinoceros or a gentleman rhinoceros. But I remember going to Omphalozi in Abree...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. Kenneth yes?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I think itís a polite way to describe it as hesitation. I canít think what else...

NP: Yes it was a confusion of speech which we interpret...

DN: It wasnít confusion at all! Oh you great fool! Youíre so ignorant, Parsons! Omphalozi in Abree is the Zulu pronunciation of where the white rhino was found, by Gary Mastersí brother when everybody thought it was extinct! Itís the most fascinating story! Omphalozi in Abree.

KW: Itís a load of rubbish!

DN: If you knew anything about animals at all, instead of sitting there, looking so stupid, you would have cheered me when I was going to tell you this marvellous heart rending story. How they went out with Darfs and found the...

SHEILA HANCOCK: Save it! Save it! You might get a point!

DN: Oh right! Oh never mind!

NP: A round of applause for Derek Nimmo!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím sorry I canít give you any points for that Derek. Kenneth you have 10 seconds on the most loveable points of a rhinoceros starting now.

KW: The rhinoceros, as you are aware, is a pachyderm. And the loveable...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has...

SH: Deviation, I wasnít aware at all!

KW: You didnít know?

SH: I didnít, I donít even now know what a pachyderm is.

KW: Oh!

NP: Well the fact that you werenít aware doesnít mean to say that he was necessarily deviating.

SH: No, heís deviating if he says that I am aware...

NP: No, he didnít, he didnít say you, Sheila Hancock. So he has another point Kenneth, and five seconds on the most loveable points of a rhinoceros starting now.

KW: The most loveable points of a rhinoceros for me are those little eyes that seem to...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of the first round of this particular programme, when we had the same four, itís interesting, the same four together some weeks back. Um Kenneth started with a flourish and took the lead commandingly at the end of the first round. Heís done the same again! And Derek Nimmo begins the next round. Derek the subject is removal men. Will you tell us something about them in the game starting now.

DN: I think removal men ought to be summoned to the studio at this very moment in time to remove the chairman! Who I would like to put it to you is a gross incompetent. Who has never travelled south of Calais and therefore doesnít understand...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: I know Iíll get this point! (laughs) Deviation because heís talking so nastily about you Nick, when heís been asked to talk about removal men.

NP: What a good challenge Sheila!

SH: I know! I knew Iíd win that one!

NP: Absolutely brilliant! Yes yes! So Sheila, I agree with you and there are 45 seconds on removal men starting now.

SH: The great secret for removal men is to conceal your furniture from the neighbours. Because it is an appalling fact that however nice it looks when it is in your house, it looks dreadful going down the garden path! So you have to pay them to cover it with sheets so that they donít see...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Sheila Hancock was talking as the whistle went. And of course if I havenít mentioned it before, for those of you who may for the first time be listening to Just A Minute, whoever is talking at that moment gains an extra point. Sheila Hancock is now in the lead with Kenneth Williams, and she also begins the next round. The subject is talking to plants. I donít know whether youíve ever done that Sheila, but talk on the subject if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: The problem with talking to plants is that they donít talk back. Therefore you cannot assess their personalities and know what to say to them in corder to encourage them...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

SH: You can have that one!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

SH: Oh itís you?

DN: Well sorry about that, I didnít mean that. It was a sort of slight hesitation, in corder. Corder.

SH: Yes.

NP: All right Derek, you have the subject of talking to plants and there are 36 seconds starting now.

DN: I think one of the more difficult plants to talk to these days are field plants. Because theyíre all the time, theyíre being made redundant. And they donít win prizes for coming down and saying ďyou know after 30 years hard work, youíve now got to go home and never come backĒ. Now those are the sort of plants that I would not like to talk to. And I do find it very difficult and er indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.

GB: Hesitation.

NP: I think so yes. He was really sort of drying up. He made a super point, and then er couldnít go on. Gyles you won that point, a point to you of course, 19 and a half seconds, talking to plants starting now.

GB: Not only should one talk to plants, but one should also give them names that may seem effective and appropriate to them. If youíve got a plant that happens to be called a pansy, thinking of the right name for it can be difficult. I know a pansy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged..

DN: Repetition of name.

NP: Yes you talked about, used the word name before Iím sorry Gyles. So Derek has another point, five seconds, talking to plants starting now.

DN: I often talk to plants, particularly nocturnally. Because I have them in my garden, and I go out with a minerís torch and I look at them and they say ďhelloĒ...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and heís now taken the lead, ahead of Sheila Hancock, then comes Kenneth Williams and Gyles Brandreth. Theyíre only one point between each one of them. Kenneth your turn to begin and the subject is Florence. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: This beautiful city, nestling by the Arnaud, is for me particularly memorable, since it was where Michelangelo did so much work for Medachi. And I think of that incredible statue in the Accademia, the David. What marvellous sinews seem to be in that rock. Oh donít forget, quarried from very near. And the other thing that I...

BUZZ

NP: Yes your challenge?

GB: I think hesitation.

NP: I think that was hesitation.

KW: No I was going on to Berlini and Donatello and Giotti.

GB: All very good restaurants but weíre not...

LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Donít laugh at him! Donít laugh! Youíll encourage him! Youíll encourage him!

NP: You definitely hesitated Kenneth, so Gyles Brandreth has the subject, another point and there are 24 seconds, Florence starting now.

GB: Kenneth has clearly worked himself into the most terrible frenzy. And it is a city where I have fond memories of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No, not at all! He managed to keep going quite well!

SH: Not at all?

NP: So Gyles you keep the subject, 18 seconds, no, 17 and a half starting now.

GB: I first took my wife to Florence for our honeymoon. It was a remarkable and memorable evening that we enjoyed on the banks of this particular river that was referred to earlier by Kenneth. Florence, I always thought really, was the name of an animal in The Magic Roundabout. But it turns out to be the most beautiful and spectacular city as well, one of the most...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Gyles was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And heís now gone into the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo, and two ahead of Sheila Hancock, and three ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Gyles itís also your turn to begin, the subject is space shuttles. Can you tell us something about them in the game starting now.

GB: When I was a child, I very much wanted to be a spaceman. I know that when Nicholas was a child, he wanted to be a cowboy outfit and now look where he is! And from my point of view, being a spaceman, the glory of it is that weíre going to be able...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of spaceman.

NP: Yes, spaceman hyphenated or not, it doesnít matter, it was repeated. And there are 47 seconds, 48 on space shuttles with you Derek starting now.

DN: Iíve always wanted to take Florence on a space shuttle. Particularly if I could take along with me some powdered rhinoceros horn, thatís a wonderful aphrodisiac...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well weíve had wonderful aphrodisiacs and powdered rhinoceros horns, nothing of which is anything to do space shuttles, I think itís deviation.

NP: Yeah, repetition of taking on the thing.

DN: I said Iíd like to take them on a space shuttle. You donít know what kind of space shuttle Iím going to go on.

KW: Deviation, taking horns on this is all deviation, nothing to do with space shuttles...

NP: Kenneth, itís a good challenge but Iím afraid I must disagree, because he was...

KW: Youíre a great fool! Thatís all I can say! Mad!

NP: So if I agree with Derek, Iím a great fool. If I agree with Kenneth, Iím a great hero.

KW: Itís a joke isnít it! A joke! People like me, a great cult sitting here...

SH: And youíve come all the way from Great Portland Street!

KW: I know! Youíre right! You might well ask! Itís an insult Iíll have to swallow!

NP: Because ah he might have er been having ah...

KW: Er er er! Hark at him! Er er er! Canít get it out of him! Terrible diction! Terrible diction!

NP: A flight of space fantasy I was trying to ah conjure out of my rather feebile... feebile...

SH: Oh Nick come on!

DN: Just get on with it!

SH: Pull yourself together dear!

NP: Oh itís all this white rhinoceros stuff! Itís got through to me you see! Derek...

SH: Heís going to pieces!

NP: Iíll tell you how fair I am. I agree entirely with you, you keep the subject and you have 20, no, 39 seconds left. Letís start again! Derek...

KW: He canít even add up!

NP: Itís not adding up, itís subtracting! You donít realise that! Thatís the great thing I have to live with! (hysterically) Iíve always been coming along to Just A Minute! Weíve been going for 15 years! And they still havenít given me a clock that can go forwards and then backwards! And I have to subtract the time every time they challenge! (into gibberish)

WHISTLE

SH: Oh dear!

NP: The men in the white coats have brought me back, weíll continue with Just A Minute. Derek I agree with your challenge, the white rhino and everything else in your space shuttle with Florence, you can have them all. And you can have also 39 seconds, to continue, space shuttles...

DN: Way up there in the great blue yonder, with ET by my side! My companion is an Extra Terrestrial, what a charming little fellow to accompany me on a space shuttle. I chucked Florence out rather early on, got a bit tired of her because I didnít really care for her. But there...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: Iím afraid we had Florence, a repetition of Florence.

NP: Yes, Florence came in once too often. And there are 21 seconds...

DN: She was in charge!

NP: Twenty-one seconds on space shuttles starting now.

GB: The real delight of going on a space shuttle is to discover whether or not there happens to be a man on the moon who eats cheese. Now the only reason I want to go on the space shuttle also is that I have rather a fetching outfit that I intend to wear for it. It is in surise which you may not feel is the ideal colour for a space shuttle outfit. However I am told...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two outfits.

NP: There were two outfits Iím afraid.

GB: Yes well I took a change of clothes!

NP: Well done Gyles, but Iím afraid he still gets the point and the subject and there are three seconds on space shuttles starting now.

DN: So starting on the space shuttle, I asked for the removal man to come in straight away and throw the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. And heís now very definitely in the lead, two points ahead of Gyles Brandreth at the end of that round. Derek you begin the next round, the subject is cocktails. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: Well Iím very glad that you asked me to talk about cocktails. Because it so happens that I am at the moment preparing a book about cocktails. It will soon be available by...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Thatís really the second hesitation.

NP: Yes I think that is one, he stumbled over his words, we call that hesitation. Fifty seconds with you Sheila, cocktails starting now.

SH: Well cocks actually donít really have very big tails. (collapses in laughter) They have stubbly little white things... (laughs again)

BUZZ

SH: Where is he laughing from?

NP: Derek if you hadnít challenged, this would still be a clean show!

DN: Hesitation! She looked straight at me and said ďstubbly little white thingĒ! There was a hesitation just before that, itís what it was, a hesitation.

SH SHRIEKING WITH LAUGHTER

NP: Well it all happens in Just A Minute! It proves how utterly spontaneous the whole programme is. Derek I agree with you, your challenge, she did hesitate. And I can understand why. And there are 43 seconds left for you with cocktails starting now.

DN: A Harvey Wallbanger is something which I invite you to try. And this is so-named because a chap with that particular...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.

GB: You had name earlier when you named one of the earlier cocktails. You said about the unusual name. The milk thing.

NP: Yes.

DN: So-named was the word I just used. Named. Name-E-D.

GB: No, it was a four letter word on both occasions!

NP: Well listened Gyles and I agree with your challenge and you have three seconds on cocktails starting now.

GB: My favourite cocktail is a white house which is a Bloody Mary without any vodka in it...

WHISTLE

NP: Gyles got the extra point when the whistle went, Derek Nimmoís still in the lead. Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little and Sheila begins the next round. And the subject is how I spend Sunday morning. Will you tell us something about that Sheila starting now.

SH: How I spend Sunday morning is really rather dependent on how I spent Saturday night! However if I havenít had a heavy time, I usually get up at about six oíclock, in order to catch up with my Open University work before my children start arriving and getting in my way. Then at about nine oíclock we have breakfast...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles challenged.

GB: Repetition of oíclock.

SH: Oh.

NP: Yes Iím afraid oíclock came in before.

SH: Yes but isnít it all hyphenated.

NP: Yes but you repeated the word oíclock.

SH: Yes but six-dash-o-dash-clock.

NP: No no, Sheila you canít have it that way. Not if youíre going to the Open University. I donít think theyíd... Um there are 40 seconds Gyles, how I spend Sunday morning starting now.

GB: My Sunday morning is also devoted to my offspring. My wife and I have three children under the age of seven, and now weíve discovered what caused it, we can put a stop to it!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation!

NP: Oh come off it! If he got a laugh like that...

GB: How can it be hesitation when we have three children and weíve only been married 10 years?

SH: Heís been playing the game long enough now to keep talking!

NP: No no, I think weíve got to have that dramatic license, if it gets as good a reaction from our audience as that. Heís got to give an infinitesimal pause in order to let them savour his thoughts before he continues.

SH: It was more than an infinitesimal pause.

NP: I consider he was doing it legitimately and he continues with 30 seconds left, how I spend Sunday morning starting now.

GB: I am a Sunday School teacher. And this is because I have discovered recently that throughout the schools of this country...

BUZZ

DN: Discovered, now we have discovered whatís causing it and discovered...

NP: Yes. Youíve discovered it, yes Iím afraid so. Derek you have the subject of how I spend Sunday mornings, 24 seconds starting now.

DN: Well I have to go to Holy Trinity, Brompton. Because my daughter and my wife indeed are both groupies of the vicar who preaches there. He gives wonderful sermons and they are terribly good. And also they have a sixteen hundred and eleven bible which I like enormously. I do hate series one, two and three from the prayer book, because you never know where you are. But if you get a really old fashioned Mattern, it does give one...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmoís increased his lead, but heís still only two ahead of Gyles Brandreth and theyíre both way out ahead of Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams. But Kenneth you begin the next round, and the subject is law. Will you tell us something on that in the game starting now.

KW: There is common law in England and there is by-laws which is quite another matter. Now one of them states that if youíre taken short, you can do it against the mansion house. This has never been rescinded you see. The same with the common law of trespass which maintains...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles youíve challenged.

KW: Shut your row! Anyway...

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth, youíll probably, youíll probably win the point. What was the, Gyles...

GB: I think he wonít because he repeated common you see. I think the word you gave us was law.

NP: Yes.

GB: And heís said common, or heís come back to common law again. I hate to be...

NP: So do we all because we were enjoying it. So letís give Gyles a point for a correct challenge but leave the subject...

KW: No, heís quite right, heís quite right, I said common twice.

NP: I know you did.

KW: I didnít realise that, you see.

DN: I did, I was being rather generous.

KW: Even a brain like mine occasionally has an error!

NP: I was trying to be generous Kenneth because you havenít got as many points as Gyles, you see. And I know Gyles can also be very generous because heís got so many points. But letís play the game correctly, you have the subject and a point, and there are 37 seconds starting now.

GB: For many years I was brought up on such legalistic phrases as ďin loco parentisĒ which means my father is an engine driver. And other sundry...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he canít be a closet Rabbi, an engine driver and a school teacher. It must be deviation!

GB: He was a multitalented man!

NP: So um I disagree with the challenge Derek. But I know, Iíll show you how fair I am. I know you only made it to make a very good joke and you get a point for a good line. But Gyles also gets a point for an incorrect challenge so once youíve interrupted itís difficult to get going again. But Gyles you continue and there are 25 seconds, law starting now.

GB: The law is an ass, so they say. Now my father had nothing to do...

BUZZ

NP: Um Derek Nimmo.

DN: Well he canít go on repeating his bloody father all the time! I mean his father, his father must be...

KW: Donít be rude! Donít be rude! Mister Chairman, thatís a swear word! We canít swear, itís a family show! Itís a family show!

DN: He just said Bloody Mary! I only said bloody father!

NP: Oh dear me! Well thereís blood on our hands now. So Gyles I disagree with the challenge, you keep the subject...

DN: What? He did repeat father!

NP: Oh was that what your challenge was?

DN: That was what my challenge was. He repeated father.

NP: Oh I thought your challenge was deviation because his father had so many different professions. Iím sorry, no no, he did repeat father...

DN: Although you may believe his father is on the card, it is not! The question is law.

NP: Yes all right Derek, I thought you had another challenge.

GB: Iím really speaking of my father-in-law, Ira.

NP: I heard your challenge incorrectly Kenneth, er Derek, I agree with you now. So there are 22 seconds on law with you starting now.

DN: The law of the Methes and Persians which alter us not. It is fascinating to think that there in Mesopotamia, these extraordinary people speaking an ancient Somarian language were able to produce a law that did not change for hundreds of years. Now if you went...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went gets that extra point. And it is still neck and neck between Derek Nimmo and Gyles Brandreth, way out ahead of Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams in the game. And Gyles begins the next round, it is things I canít or cannot finish starting now.

GB: Sentences principally. Because I am rather like the great General Sedgewick who at the Battle of Boshillvania put his head over the parapet and said ďthey couldnít hit an elephant at this dist...Ē And then he was killed. Now itís an unfortunate thing. Recently I went away to Northern Ireland to get away from it all. And there it was. In fact I had gone in order to finish my novel, because I am a very very slow reader and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Very very.

NP: You were very very slow. You should just be a slow reader! Derek you have a correct challenge and there are 37 seconds on things I canít finish starting now.

DN: Well I have a lovely piece of tapestry that I have been working on for many years now. And I seem to be unable to finish it. I put it aside, I take it with me quite frequently in my handbag. And if Iím sitting on a tram car in Melbourne, Australia, I take it out. And with my little needle, I thread the strings and course through it because that is what I like to make it out of. Curiously enough, some people use thread but not needle, no...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.

GB: Thread .

NP: Yes Iím afraid you repeated thread before.

DN: Yes, absolutely right, I donít mind.

NP: Gyles, itís 14 seconds, things that I canít finish, and there are, and you might be able to finish this one of you keep going to the 60 seconds starting now.

GB: I find it frightfully difficult to finish telephone conversations. Recently I was...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of recently. Recently I was in Northern Ireland, recently he was um telephoning.

NP: Yes well listened Derek, well done, yes he did say recently I was in Northern Ireland. That was when he was talking before. And thereís a deathly hush in the audience , theyíre trying to work it out themselves.

GB: Theyíre appalled at such a trivial challenge!

KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear!

NP: I think one or two of them were quite amazed...

DN: Order! Order! Order!

GB: Repetition of order!

NP: And for all those who listen abroad to our programme, let me tell you that that was the Speaker of the House of Commons who normally starts... youíre bored out if your minds, arenít you! Weíll carry on with Just A Minute, 10 seconds with Derek Nimmo, things I canít finish starting now.

DN: Another thing that I canít finish really is digging my vegetable patch, particularly because particularly at the moment it is frozen solid. I try to get a spade into it and all I get is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, it canít be frozen solid, the weather has been most clement. In fact I commented to my friend Muriel the other day, I said ďisnít it lovely for January, really lovely!Ē And the soil is in marvellous condition!

NP: Yes!

KW: The gardener at Regentís Park pointed that out to me.

NP: And so your remark is incorrect Derek, and Kenneth has a point with only two seconds to go at the end of the last round, things I canít finish starting now.

KW: On Just A Minute, I canít finish a single thing I want to say...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth could finish on that one, gained an extra point for doing so and finished...

KW: Iíve won! Go on! Iíve won now, havenít I! How many points did I get?

NP: Five.

KW: Oh! Whoís won?

NP: Sheila Hancock...

SH: Oh youíre joking!

NP: ... only got five as well. Yes thatís all you got.

SH: I only got five? Oh I thought youíd said Iíd won! I was going to say...

NP: No no no, you do win, I mean you won a few weeks back when you came but um...

SH: Yes.

NP: But not every time. So Sheila and Kenneth finished in third place equal. But they were many points behind Gyles Brandreth, who was only four points behind this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! Well we do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and we hope that youíll want to tune in again and receive it once more when we get together and play this delightful and impossible game. But thank you, bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.