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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, SHEILA HANCOCK and GYLES BRANDRETH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 April 1983)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Gyles Brandreth and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. This week we welcome back two of our regulars of the game, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. And two guests who have not only excelled, but they’ve also won the game more than once, Sheila Hancock and Gyles Brandreth. Once again I’m going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject I give them, and they’re going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. Let’s begin the show this week with Gyles Brandreth. And it is the most loveable points of a rhinoceros. Gyles can you go on that subject for 60 seconds starting now. GYLES BRANDRETH: I have a small zoo at my home. And I live in the heart of rhinoceros country, Kensington West Eight. It is the part of the world where sex is what we have our potatoes delivered in! There I keep my little pet rhino who is a darling thing, and who is remarkable. The most loveable points about him being that he is an extremely literate rhinoceros. Indeed he loves to read the great poets, particularly Ogden Nash. He writes poems about them himself. Indeed he has just composed an ode to the deceased goldfish that is also in my collection. It goes “oh wet pet”! And when he dies, I have in mind to write a little poem in his honour... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of poem. NP: Yes you mentioned the word poem before, I’m afraid Gyles. That was a marvellous start, lovely wasn’t it! DN: Yes awfully good, I think. NP: It was most interesting yes. But Derek Nimmo did have a correct challenge of repetition, the word poems. So he takes over the subject having gained a point for that. And there are 19 seconds left, the most loveable points of a rhinoceros Derek starting now. DN: I suppose what you consider to be the most loveable point depends whether you’re a lady rhinoceros or a gentleman rhinoceros. But I remember going to Omphalozi in Abree... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. Kenneth yes? KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I think it’s a polite way to describe it as hesitation. I can’t think what else... NP: Yes it was a confusion of speech which we interpret... DN: It wasn’t confusion at all! Oh you great fool! You’re so ignorant, Parsons! Omphalozi in Abree is the Zulu pronunciation of where the white rhino was found, by Gary Masters’ brother when everybody thought it was extinct! It’s the most fascinating story! Omphalozi in Abree. KW: It’s a load of rubbish! DN: If you knew anything about animals at all, instead of sitting there, looking so stupid, you would have cheered me when I was going to tell you this marvellous heart rending story. How they went out with Darfs and found the... SHEILA HANCOCK: Save it! Save it! You might get a point! DN: Oh right! Oh never mind! NP: A round of applause for Derek Nimmo! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I’m sorry I can’t give you any points for that Derek. Kenneth you have 10 seconds on the most loveable points of a rhinoceros starting now. KW: The rhinoceros, as you are aware, is a pachyderm. And the loveable... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has... SH: Deviation, I wasn’t aware at all! KW: You didn’t know? SH: I didn’t, I don’t even now know what a pachyderm is. KW: Oh! NP: Well the fact that you weren’t aware doesn’t mean to say that he was necessarily deviating. SH: No, he’s deviating if he says that I am aware... NP: No, he didn’t, he didn’t say you, Sheila Hancock. So he has another point Kenneth, and five seconds on the most loveable points of a rhinoceros starting now. KW: The most loveable points of a rhinoceros for me are those little eyes that seem to... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of the first round of this particular programme, when we had the same four, it’s interesting, the same four together some weeks back. Um Kenneth started with a flourish and took the lead commandingly at the end of the first round. He’s done the same again! And Derek Nimmo begins the next round. Derek the subject is removal men. Will you tell us something about them in the game starting now. DN: I think removal men ought to be summoned to the studio at this very moment in time to remove the chairman! Who I would like to put it to you is a gross incompetent. Who has never travelled south of Calais and therefore doesn’t understand... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: I know I’ll get this point! (laughs) Deviation because he’s talking so nastily about you Nick, when he’s been asked to talk about removal men. NP: What a good challenge Sheila! SH: I know! I knew I’d win that one! NP: Absolutely brilliant! Yes yes! So Sheila, I agree with you and there are 45 seconds on removal men starting now. SH: The great secret for removal men is to conceal your furniture from the neighbours. Because it is an appalling fact that however nice it looks when it is in your house, it looks dreadful going down the garden path! So you have to pay them to cover it with sheets so that they don’t see... WHISTLE NP: On this occasion Sheila Hancock was talking as the whistle went. And of course if I haven’t mentioned it before, for those of you who may for the first time be listening to Just A Minute, whoever is talking at that moment gains an extra point. Sheila Hancock is now in the lead with Kenneth Williams, and she also begins the next round. The subject is talking to plants. I don’t know whether you’ve ever done that Sheila, but talk on the subject if you can for 60 seconds starting now. SH: The problem with talking to plants is that they don’t talk back. Therefore you cannot assess their personalities and know what to say to them in corder to encourage them... BUZZ NP: Ah... SH: You can have that one! NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. SH: Oh it’s you? DN: Well sorry about that, I didn’t mean that. It was a sort of slight hesitation, in corder. Corder. SH: Yes. NP: All right Derek, you have the subject of talking to plants and there are 36 seconds starting now. DN: I think one of the more difficult plants to talk to these days are field plants. Because they’re all the time, they’re being made redundant. And they don’t win prizes for coming down and saying “you know after 30 years hard work, you’ve now got to go home and never come back”. Now those are the sort of plants that I would not like to talk to. And I do find it very difficult and er indeed... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged. GB: Hesitation. NP: I think so yes. He was really sort of drying up. He made a super point, and then er couldn’t go on. Gyles you won that point, a point to you of course, 19 and a half seconds, talking to plants starting now. GB: Not only should one talk to plants, but one should also give them names that may seem effective and appropriate to them. If you’ve got a plant that happens to be called a pansy, thinking of the right name for it can be difficult. I know a pansy... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.. DN: Repetition of name. NP: Yes you talked about, used the word name before I’m sorry Gyles. So Derek has another point, five seconds, talking to plants starting now. DN: I often talk to plants, particularly nocturnally. Because I have them in my garden, and I go out with a miner’s torch and I look at them and they say “hello”... WHISTLE NP: Derek was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he’s now taken the lead, ahead of Sheila Hancock, then comes Kenneth Williams and Gyles Brandreth. They’re only one point between each one of them. Kenneth your turn to begin and the subject is Florence. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. KW: This beautiful city, nestling by the Arnaud, is for me particularly memorable, since it was where Michelangelo did so much work for Medachi. And I think of that incredible statue in the Accademia, the David. What marvellous sinews seem to be in that rock. Oh don’t forget, quarried from very near. And the other thing that I... BUZZ NP: Yes your challenge? GB: I think hesitation. NP: I think that was hesitation. KW: No I was going on to Berlini and Donatello and Giotti. GB: All very good restaurants but we’re not... LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP, SH AND THE AUDIENCE KW: Don’t laugh at him! Don’t laugh! You’ll encourage him! You’ll encourage him! NP: You definitely hesitated Kenneth, so Gyles Brandreth has the subject, another point and there are 24 seconds, Florence starting now. GB: Kenneth has clearly worked himself into the most terrible frenzy. And it is a city where I have fond memories of... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: No, not at all! He managed to keep going quite well! SH: Not at all? NP: So Gyles you keep the subject, 18 seconds, no, 17 and a half starting now. GB: I first took my wife to Florence for our honeymoon. It was a remarkable and memorable evening that we enjoyed on the banks of this particular river that was referred to earlier by Kenneth. Florence, I always thought really, was the name of an animal in The Magic Roundabout. But it turns out to be the most beautiful and spectacular city as well, one of the most... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Gyles was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And he’s now gone into the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo, and two ahead of Sheila Hancock, and three ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Gyles it’s also your turn to begin, the subject is space shuttles. Can you tell us something about them in the game starting now. GB: When I was a child, I very much wanted to be a spaceman. I know that when Nicholas was a child, he wanted to be a cowboy outfit and now look where he is! And from my point of view, being a spaceman, the glory of it is that we’re going to be able... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of spaceman. NP: Yes, spaceman hyphenated or not, it doesn’t matter, it was repeated. And there are 47 seconds, 48 on space shuttles with you Derek starting now. DN: I’ve always wanted to take Florence on a space shuttle. Particularly if I could take along with me some powdered rhinoceros horn, that’s a wonderful aphrodisiac... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Well we’ve had wonderful aphrodisiacs and powdered rhinoceros horns, nothing of which is anything to do space shuttles, I think it’s deviation. NP: Yeah, repetition of taking on the thing. DN: I said I’d like to take them on a space shuttle. You don’t know what kind of space shuttle I’m going to go on. KW: Deviation, taking horns on this is all deviation, nothing to do with space shuttles... NP: Kenneth, it’s a good challenge but I’m afraid I must disagree, because he was... KW: You’re a great fool! That’s all I can say! Mad! NP: So if I agree with Derek, I’m a great fool. If I agree with Kenneth, I’m a great hero. KW: It’s a joke isn’t it! A joke! People like me, a great cult sitting here... SH: And you’ve come all the way from Great Portland Street! KW: I know! You’re right! You might well ask! It’s an insult I’ll have to swallow! NP: Because ah he might have er been having ah... KW: Er er er! Hark at him! Er er er! Can’t get it out of him! Terrible diction! Terrible diction! NP: A flight of space fantasy I was trying to ah conjure out of my rather feebile... feebile... SH: Oh Nick come on! DN: Just get on with it! SH: Pull yourself together dear! NP: Oh it’s all this white rhinoceros stuff! It’s got through to me you see! Derek... SH: He’s going to pieces! NP: I’ll tell you how fair I am. I agree entirely with you, you keep the subject and you have 20, no, 39 seconds left. Let’s start again! Derek... KW: He can’t even add up! NP: It’s not adding up, it’s subtracting! You don’t realise that! That’s the great thing I have to live with! (hysterically) I’ve always been coming along to Just A Minute! We’ve been going for 15 years! And they still haven’t given me a clock that can go forwards and then backwards! And I have to subtract the time every time they challenge! (into gibberish) WHISTLE SH: Oh dear! NP: The men in the white coats have brought me back, we’ll continue with Just A Minute. Derek I agree with your challenge, the white rhino and everything else in your space shuttle with Florence, you can have them all. And you can have also 39 seconds, to continue, space shuttles... DN: Way up there in the great blue yonder, with ET by my side! My companion is an Extra Terrestrial, what a charming little fellow to accompany me on a space shuttle. I chucked Florence out rather early on, got a bit tired of her because I didn’t really care for her. But there... BUZZ NP: Gyles has challenged. GB: I’m afraid we had Florence, a repetition of Florence. NP: Yes, Florence came in once too often. And there are 21 seconds... DN: She was in charge! NP: Twenty-one seconds on space shuttles starting now. GB: The real delight of going on a space shuttle is to discover whether or not there happens to be a man on the moon who eats cheese. Now the only reason I want to go on the space shuttle also is that I have rather a fetching outfit that I intend to wear for it. It is in surise which you may not feel is the ideal colour for a space shuttle outfit. However I am told... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two outfits. NP: There were two outfits I’m afraid. GB: Yes well I took a change of clothes! NP: Well done Gyles, but I’m afraid he still gets the point and the subject and there are three seconds on space shuttles starting now. DN: So starting on the space shuttle, I asked for the removal man to come in straight away and throw the... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. And he’s now very definitely in the lead, two points ahead of Gyles Brandreth at the end of that round. Derek you begin the next round, the subject is cocktails. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. DN: Well I’m very glad that you asked me to talk about cocktails. Because it so happens that I am at the moment preparing a book about cocktails. It will soon be available by... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: That’s really the second hesitation. NP: Yes I think that is one, he stumbled over his words, we call that hesitation. Fifty seconds with you Sheila, cocktails starting now. SH: Well cocks actually don’t really have very big tails. (collapses in laughter) They have stubbly little white things... (laughs again) BUZZ SH: Where is he laughing from? NP: Derek if you hadn’t challenged, this would still be a clean show! DN: Hesitation! She looked straight at me and said “stubbly little white thing”! There was a hesitation just before that, it’s what it was, a hesitation. SH SHRIEKING WITH LAUGHTER NP: Well it all happens in Just A Minute! It proves how utterly spontaneous the whole programme is. Derek I agree with you, your challenge, she did hesitate. And I can understand why. And there are 43 seconds left for you with cocktails starting now. DN: A Harvey Wallbanger is something which I invite you to try. And this is so-named because a chap with that particular... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged. GB: You had name earlier when you named one of the earlier cocktails. You said about the unusual name. The milk thing. NP: Yes. DN: So-named was the word I just used. Named. Name-E-D. GB: No, it was a four letter word on both occasions! NP: Well listened Gyles and I agree with your challenge and you have three seconds on cocktails starting now. GB: My favourite cocktail is a white house which is a Bloody Mary without any vodka in it... WHISTLE NP: Gyles got the extra point when the whistle went, Derek Nimmo’s still in the lead. Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little and Sheila begins the next round. And the subject is how I spend Sunday morning. Will you tell us something about that Sheila starting now. SH: How I spend Sunday morning is really rather dependent on how I spent Saturday night! However if I haven’t had a heavy time, I usually get up at about six o’clock, in order to catch up with my Open University work before my children start arriving and getting in my way. Then at about nine o’clock we have breakfast... BUZZ NP: Gyles challenged. GB: Repetition of o’clock. SH: Oh. NP: Yes I’m afraid o’clock came in before. SH: Yes but isn’t it all hyphenated. NP: Yes but you repeated the word o’clock. SH: Yes but six-dash-o-dash-clock. NP: No no, Sheila you can’t have it that way. Not if you’re going to the Open University. I don’t think they’d... Um there are 40 seconds Gyles, how I spend Sunday morning starting now. GB: My Sunday morning is also devoted to my offspring. My wife and I have three children under the age of seven, and now we’ve discovered what caused it, we can put a stop to it! LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Hesitation! NP: Oh come off it! If he got a laugh like that... GB: How can it be hesitation when we have three children and we’ve only been married 10 years? SH: He’s been playing the game long enough now to keep talking! NP: No no, I think we’ve got to have that dramatic license, if it gets as good a reaction from our audience as that. He’s got to give an infinitesimal pause in order to let them savour his thoughts before he continues. SH: It was more than an infinitesimal pause. NP: I consider he was doing it legitimately and he continues with 30 seconds left, how I spend Sunday morning starting now. GB: I am a Sunday School teacher. And this is because I have discovered recently that throughout the schools of this country... BUZZ DN: Discovered, now we have discovered what’s causing it and discovered... NP: Yes. You’ve discovered it, yes I’m afraid so. Derek you have the subject of how I spend Sunday mornings, 24 seconds starting now. DN: Well I have to go to Holy Trinity, Brompton. Because my daughter and my wife indeed are both groupies of the vicar who preaches there. He gives wonderful sermons and they are terribly good. And also they have a sixteen hundred and eleven bible which I like enormously. I do hate series one, two and three from the prayer book, because you never know where you are. But if you get a really old fashioned Mattern, it does give one... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo’s increased his lead, but he’s still only two ahead of Gyles Brandreth and they’re both way out ahead of Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams. But Kenneth you begin the next round, and the subject is law. Will you tell us something on that in the game starting now. KW: There is common law in England and there is by-laws which is quite another matter. Now one of them states that if you’re taken short, you can do it against the mansion house. This has never been rescinded you see. The same with the common law of trespass which maintains... BUZZ NP: Gyles you’ve challenged. KW: Shut your row! Anyway... NP: Kenneth, Kenneth, you’ll probably, you’ll probably win the point. What was the, Gyles... GB: I think he won’t because he repeated common you see. I think the word you gave us was law. NP: Yes. GB: And he’s said common, or he’s come back to common law again. I hate to be... NP: So do we all because we were enjoying it. So let’s give Gyles a point for a correct challenge but leave the subject... KW: No, he’s quite right, he’s quite right, I said common twice. NP: I know you did. KW: I didn’t realise that, you see. DN: I did, I was being rather generous. KW: Even a brain like mine occasionally has an error! NP: I was trying to be generous Kenneth because you haven’t got as many points as Gyles, you see. And I know Gyles can also be very generous because he’s got so many points. But let’s play the game correctly, you have the subject and a point, and there are 37 seconds starting now. GB: For many years I was brought up on such legalistic phrases as “in loco parentis” which means my father is an engine driver. And other sundry... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well he can’t be a closet Rabbi, an engine driver and a school teacher. It must be deviation! GB: He was a multitalented man! NP: So um I disagree with the challenge Derek. But I know, I’ll show you how fair I am. I know you only made it to make a very good joke and you get a point for a good line. But Gyles also gets a point for an incorrect challenge so once you’ve interrupted it’s difficult to get going again. But Gyles you continue and there are 25 seconds, law starting now. GB: The law is an ass, so they say. Now my father had nothing to do... BUZZ NP: Um Derek Nimmo. DN: Well he can’t go on repeating his bloody father all the time! I mean his father, his father must be... KW: Don’t be rude! Don’t be rude! Mister Chairman, that’s a swear word! We can’t swear, it’s a family show! It’s a family show! DN: He just said Bloody Mary! I only said bloody father! NP: Oh dear me! Well there’s blood on our hands now. So Gyles I disagree with the challenge, you keep the subject... DN: What? He did repeat father! NP: Oh was that what your challenge was? DN: That was what my challenge was. He repeated father. NP: Oh I thought your challenge was deviation because his father had so many different professions. I’m sorry, no no, he did repeat father... DN: Although you may believe his father is on the card, it is not! The question is law. NP: Yes all right Derek, I thought you had another challenge. GB: I’m really speaking of my father-in-law, Ira. NP: I heard your challenge incorrectly Kenneth, er Derek, I agree with you now. So there are 22 seconds on law with you starting now. DN: The law of the Methes and Persians which alter us not. It is fascinating to think that there in Mesopotamia, these extraordinary people speaking an ancient Somarian language were able to produce a law that did not change for hundreds of years. Now if you went... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went gets that extra point. And it is still neck and neck between Derek Nimmo and Gyles Brandreth, way out ahead of Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams in the game. And Gyles begins the next round, it is things I can’t or cannot finish starting now. GB: Sentences principally. Because I am rather like the great General Sedgewick who at the Battle of Boshillvania put his head over the parapet and said “they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist...” And then he was killed. Now it’s an unfortunate thing. Recently I went away to Northern Ireland to get away from it all. And there it was. In fact I had gone in order to finish my novel, because I am a very very slow reader and... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Very very. NP: You were very very slow. You should just be a slow reader! Derek you have a correct challenge and there are 37 seconds on things I can’t finish starting now. DN: Well I have a lovely piece of tapestry that I have been working on for many years now. And I seem to be unable to finish it. I put it aside, I take it with me quite frequently in my handbag. And if I’m sitting on a tram car in Melbourne, Australia, I take it out. And with my little needle, I thread the strings and course through it because that is what I like to make it out of. Curiously enough, some people use thread but not needle, no... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged. GB: Thread . NP: Yes I’m afraid you repeated thread before. DN: Yes, absolutely right, I don’t mind. NP: Gyles, it’s 14 seconds, things that I can’t finish, and there are, and you might be able to finish this one of you keep going to the 60 seconds starting now. GB: I find it frightfully difficult to finish telephone conversations. Recently I was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of recently. Recently I was in Northern Ireland, recently he was um telephoning. NP: Yes well listened Derek, well done, yes he did say recently I was in Northern Ireland. That was when he was talking before. And there’s a deathly hush in the audience , they’re trying to work it out themselves. GB: They’re appalled at such a trivial challenge! KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear! NP: I think one or two of them were quite amazed... DN: Order! Order! Order! GB: Repetition of order! NP: And for all those who listen abroad to our programme, let me tell you that that was the Speaker of the House of Commons who normally starts... you’re bored out if your minds, aren’t you! We’ll carry on with Just A Minute, 10 seconds with Derek Nimmo, things I can’t finish starting now. DN: Another thing that I can’t finish really is digging my vegetable patch, particularly because particularly at the moment it is frozen solid. I try to get a spade into it and all I get is... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, it can’t be frozen solid, the weather has been most clement. In fact I commented to my friend Muriel the other day, I said “isn’t it lovely for January, really lovely!” And the soil is in marvellous condition! NP: Yes! KW: The gardener at Regent’s Park pointed that out to me. NP: And so your remark is incorrect Derek, and Kenneth has a point with only two seconds to go at the end of the last round, things I can’t finish starting now. KW: On Just A Minute, I can’t finish a single thing I want to say... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth could finish on that one, gained an extra point for doing so and finished... KW: I’ve won! Go on! I’ve won now, haven’t I! How many points did I get? NP: Five. KW: Oh! Who’s won? NP: Sheila Hancock... SH: Oh you’re joking! NP: ... only got five as well. Yes that’s all you got. SH: I only got five? Oh I thought you’d said I’d won! I was going to say... NP: No no no, you do win, I mean you won a few weeks back when you came but um... SH: Yes. NP: But not every time. So Sheila and Kenneth finished in third place equal. But they were many points behind Gyles Brandreth, who was only four points behind this week’s winner, Derek Nimmo! Well we do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and we hope that you’ll want to tune in again and receive it once more when we get together and play this delightful and impossible game. But thank you, bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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