JAM:PMerton,CFreud,THawks,SFry
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS and STEPHEN FRY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 July 2004)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you! Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my amazing pleasure to welcome all our many listeners, not only those who tune in to Radio Four and Radio Seven, but also on the World Service and on the Internet. And also itís a huge pleasure to welcome the four exciting, talented, skilled and experienced players who have joined us this week. And sitting on my right we have that versatile and highly talented and individual comedian, Paul Merton. Beside him we have the distinctive personality, a man who has achieved so much in many areas of our public life and also on Just A Minute, that is Clement Freud. And seated on my left we have a man who is a writer, an author, a comedian, an actor, a novelist, a producer, a director, I donít know what it is, the multitalented Stephen Fry. And beside him we have another very talented comedian, and also a very humorous writer, that is Tony Hawks. And would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them speak on a subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, and she is going to run the stopwatch for me, and blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Drill Hall, which is a venue near Soho in the centre of London. And Stephen your turn to begin, the subject, my favourite proverb, starting now.

STEPHEN FRY: Itís interesting I should be given this because some time ago I was actually asked to research the er question...

BUZZ

NP: Tony yes.

SF: Sorry! I got all excited! So sorry!

NP: That was hesitation.

SF: It was a mess.

TONY HAWKS: Yes.

NP: So Tony youíve got the subject.

SF: Crash landing!

NP: My favourite proverb, and there are 55 seconds starting now.

TH: Iíve actually made up my own proverb, which is called, youíre never too old to be told off by a park keeper. Because in fact that would be true of life. How we go through stopping with our ju...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Well heís, what is he talking about? How do we go through life stopping? Heís just picking words at random now!

TH: Well thatís...

PM: Itís like having a dictionary at the microphone!

TH: Thatís the nature of building a sentence. Yeah. Pick Ďem at random...

NP: I donít think the sentence, the sentence wasnít going anywhere, so I think within the rules of Just A Minute...

TH: Ohhhh!

NP: Paul what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: Well it was deviation from common sense. From English understanding.

NP: All right, Iíll give it to you, benefit of the doubt this time, but the benefit may come back to you in a minute, I try to balance it. Forty seconds available, my favourite proverb Paul starting now.

PM: People in glass houses shouldnít throw stones is one of those unusual proverbs that doesnít really make a great deal of sense to me. Because I donít imagine there are many folks that live in a home...

BUZZ

PM: Oh!

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: That was live, I think, wasnít it.

NP: Yes.

PM: I was concentrating on glass house coming up.

SF: Yeah.

NP: I know.

PM: I was going to say crystal cottage!

LAUGHTER FROM SF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well you didnít say it in the round, but you got a laugh for saying it outside the round. Yes it is, and youíre letting, youíre letting the listeners know the way you think in this game...

PM: Yes.

NP: ... which is very interesting Paul.

PM: Yeah.

NP: Um 30 seconds, 30 seconds Stephen with you now on my favourite proverb.

SF: A birdís bush is worth two in your hand, or something similar comes to mind. Thereís a genuine English proverb which is thereís many a good cock comes out of a tattered bag. And that youíll find in any dictionary of proverbs, as is children suck the mother, but when theyíre grown up, they suck the father. Thatís a repetition...

BUZZ

SF: That is a genuine ah proverb.

NP: Clement has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: A word ending in U-C-K.

NP: I have to know in case you said something else. I quite agree with you Clement. He did repeat that word but he couldnít have got the laugh without it. Clement you have my favourite proverb, you have 11 seconds starting now.

CF: It is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek an Emperor in a low-down tea shop, was Confusciousís remark, which I think is a splendid proverb. Better...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Heís now equal in the lead with Stephen Fry and Tony Hawks. Paul Mertonís trailing a little. Um just to digress for a moment. Thereís a very amusing little, only amusing thing that ever happened in a programme I once did called Sale Of The Century.

SF: Hooray!

NP: I asked, because of what Paul said about glass houses, I asked the question for one pound, ďwhat should you not do in a glass houseĒ. And the woman pressed her buzzer and said ďtake a bathĒ! Which if it had been a comedy show, sheíd have got points. But she didnít, I had to take them away from her. Tony would you take the next round, how to do well in examinations, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

TH: Donít pay any attention to examination questions that end with the word discuss, because youíre not allowed to! I was sitting there and the vigilator came over and said ďno discussion Hawks, answer this question in a written mannerĒ. I was most upset...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: I think there were two questions. Answer this question and any question that ends with the word discuss.

NP: Exactly! Well done!

TH: Mmmm!

NP: And you have the subject...

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: Boo! Boo!

NP: Youíre not winning many friends...

SF: (laughs) I know! Oh dear!

NP: But youíre playing the game extremely skilfully.

SF: Iím trying.

NP: Forty-three seconds, with you Stephen, how to do well in examinations starting now.

SF: In my experience the way to do well in examinations is to cheat! And by that I mean to answer the questions properly and to be good at exams. Which is so unfair, because in life youíre not asked to be good at these examinations at all...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of good.

SF: Oh right.

NP: Yes indeed there was. And Tony youíve got the subject back, you have 32 seconds, how to do well in examinations starting now.

TH: Write all the answers on your arms, like David Beckham has done! Iíve noticed that recently. They clearly give him the team talk, and he jots it down, and why the hell not? Of course examinations can be very trying, testing times for young people. Theyíre under enormous pressure. I feel for them, particularly as the summer coms on, and how...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Summer coms on? We visited, we visited Somerset briefly I think! (in Somerset accent) Summer coms on!

NP: Yes, I think we call that deviation from English as we understand it.

PM: Yeah.

NP: So youíve got in with nine seconds to go Paul on how to do well in examinations starting now.

PM: During my A-level examination, history, in fact, I did cheat. I wrote down all the dates on tiny bits of paper and hid them around my person. So therefore written...

WHISTLE

NP: That must be the first time anybodyís got a round of applause for admitting they cheated! Paul Merton you got the point for speaking as the whistle went, and other points, and now youíre equal with Clement Freud, youíre one point behind Stephen Fry and Tony Hawks. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, porridge. Tell us something about porridge in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Porridge is made of oatmeal, or harris tweed. It rather depends on whether you come from Scotland or not. There are those who add salt, others milk... yet...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

CF: I was, I was pacing myself!

PM: I knew something was distracting you! I think deviation, I donít think porridge is made out of harris tweed.

NP: All right, it is not made out of harris tweed.

PM: No.

NP: We all know that.

PM: No.

NP: So deviation, and um 47 seconds, porridge with you Paul starting now.

PM: A marvellous sitcom, written by Dick Clement and Ian Le Frenais, starring Ronnie Barker. It first aired, I believe, in about 1975. I think Brian Wilde as Barrowclough, the... oh!

BUZZ

NP: So starting again, the flow goes. Stephen you interrupted, I mean, sorry, you challenged for...

SF: Yes well it was a sort of mixture of...

NP: There was a hesitation, right, you have the subject, 33 seconds, porridge starting now.

SF: (in Barrowcloughís voice) Come along Fletcher. (normal voice) Brian Wilde used to say. Marvellous character, I enjoyed them all. You know, Fulton Mackay, canít improve on that sort of acting in a situation comedy on the BBC, can you? It sort of sets the benchmark...

BUZZ

SF: Hello!

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Iím afraid BBC.

NP: BB.

SF: Oh! (laughs)

LAUGHTER AND CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: Oh dear dear! Oh I fell into a beginnerís trap, didnít I! Thatís terrible! Oh!

NP: Youíre hardly a beginner at this game now, Stephen.

SF: I know, I know, I should know better. Oh dear me!

NP: It is a beginnerís trap!

SF: Book one, page two, line three, Iím sorry. I mean itís there, BBC, donít say it!

NP: Anyway BBC is repetition of B, 24 seconds for you Clement, porridge starting now.

CF: I rather enjoyed Porridge. I thought Ronnie Fraser... who...

BUZZ

PM: Ronnie Barker!

CF: Ronnie...

NP: You couldnít have enjoyed it very much, if you thought Ronnie Fraser was in it!

CF: You didnít let me finish!

NP: Ronnie Fraser...

CF: Ronnie Fraser was not in it! (laughs)

NP: Ronnie Fraser was never in it.

CF: No! I didnít say he was!

NP: What is your challenge then Stephen?

SF: (laughs) Yes! Well I think he may have squirmed out of it, but I could tell from his body language, as could you, that he went, his hand went to his mouth when he said Ronnie Fraser. (as if Clement was saying it) Oh blow! (normal voice) And he turned to Paul Merton...

NP: And what you demonstrated there showed that he definitely paused!

SF: Yeah! Exactly! Ronnie Fraser and a huge pause.

NP: So you have 20 seconds on porridge Stephen starting now.

SF: The Scots spell it P-O-R-A-G-E as opposed to two of the third letter, which we do in English with a D added and the letter I as well. Which is a different appellation, and one which Iím perfectly prepared to accept. I find the stuff disgusting, if hot. However with cool, cold, crisp milk, I adore it...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, crisp milk?

LAUGHTER FROM SF AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: Crisp milk?

SF: When itís... (laughs) when itís very cold, itís got a little thin sheet of ice on the top, and itís just crisp!

NP: I think youíre trying to wriggle out of it now Stephen really. I think...

PM: The sort of it milk that has a crease in it? You know, very...

NP: I think, I think it creates a lovely image with a lovely use of words, but within Just A Minute, I think itís inaccurate. So Paul I give you the benefit of the doubt...

SF: Oh dear!

NP: Two seconds, porridge starting now.

PM: My favourite episode of Porridge was undoubtedly...

WHISTLE

NP: And Paul Merton again speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. Heís one point ahead of Stephen Fry, and two of Clement Freud and Tony Hawks. And Stephen your turn to begin, Narcissus. What a lovely subject! Tell us something about it in this game starting now.

SF: A gorgeous boy, a heavenly youth, an Effebee, as the Greeks called him, who was enamoured of the... nymph...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think he did hesitate then.

NP: He did hesitate.

SF: Yeah I was struggling, wasnít I.

TH: And Iíd like to say, I donít even need the benefit of the doubt for that one! Iíd kind of like to put that benefit of the doubt on hold and...

NP: Yes...

TH: ... use it later on.

NP: I was going to say, I was going to say exactly the same thing.

TH: Thank you very much Nicholas, thank you.

SF: Like a get out of jail card.

TH: Exactly yes!

NP: You have 54 seconds on Narcissus starting now.

TH: I re...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Could I have the benefit of the doubt as well?

NP: When you deserve it Paul, you will have the benefit of the doubt.

PM: Okay, thank you.

NP: At the moment, that didnít deserve it. It didnít even get much of a laugh either. So ah...

SF: Oh! Oh! Saucer!

PM: Letís not start pointing out whoís getting laughs and who isnít!

NP: Iím entitled to be a little acerbic occasionally. Because I do, I do suffer a great deal...

PM: You do, donít you.

NP: ... at all your hands! I set myself up for it most of the time, but I take it in good part. Narcissus with you Tony starting now.

TH: Not so long ago, I passed a mirror in my home. And I snatched a little glance, and immediately fell in love with myself. Much like Narcissus dud, ah, dud, dud, dud...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen.

SF: I donít think Narcissus dud makes any real sense, does it.

NP: No, no, no, no, no...

TH: Iím doing all right, but just not making any sense!

SF: Yes! Exactly!

TH: Iím not repeating anything!

NP: The pressureís on, and the words get confused sometimes, and thatís happened to Tony. Stephen got in first, 42 seconds, Narcissus, Stephen starting now.

SF: So in love with his own image reflected in a pool, was he, that eventually he didnít eat or do anything else except stare at this beautiful boy looking back through the water...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I think weíve had beautiful before.

NP: He did, you talked about the beautiful image and the beautiful person...

SF: Youíre right, it was in a earlier tranche, but that carries over...

NP: It carries over, yes yes. You can take, you can have as many tranches as you want in one round...

SF: Thank you dear.

NP: They all count against you. Thirty-five seconds, Narcissus with you Paul starting now.

PM: Well I donít really know much more about Narcissus than what weíve already been told. But perhaps I can illuminate by making some stuff up. Narcissus worked as an ironmongerís assistant in Lewisham from 1926 through to...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Heís making that up!

PM: I shouldnít have said that bit, should I!

TH: No!

NP: No, but on the other hand Tony, thereís nothing in the rules which says that as long as you talk without hesitation...

TH: Hang on! Iíve got the rules here!

NP: No, he didnít hesitate, he didnít repeat himself, he didnít deviate...

TH: Oh, do we really want to listen to him making more stuff about... yes we do! Yes!

NP: He can make up what he wants, providing he doesnít break the three rules of Just A Minute. Twenty-five seconds with you Paul, Narcissus starting now.

PM: Narcissus was a golden youth. He would walk through the forest, and the gulls and the starlings would come down and they would sing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Is he still making it up?

PM: At the moment, I just donít know! I might end up saying something thatís true, but at the moment I donít know.

NP: Yes.

PM: Destination is, you know, up for grabs.

CF: You should know.

NP: There werenít many starlings in Greece at that time, actually. No.

PM: What about the 46 starlings of Thebes?

NP: Paul you still have the subject...

LAUGHTER FROM PM, TH, SF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: You were interrupted so you get a point as well, Narcissus still with you starting now.

PM: Once heíd done his paper round, he was straight down to the pond, looking at his reflection and reflecting to himself ďI am the most beautiful...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Did he say beautiful as well?

PM: I have.

NP: Yes he has, he said beautiful as well.

SF: Yeah.

NP: Difficult isnít it, when youíre talking about Narcissus anyway.

PM: Mmmmm.

NP: Eleven seconds, back with you Stephen, Narcissus starting now.

SF: So the gods took pity on the lad, and turned him into the purple scented daffodil relation that we also call Narcissus. This act of metamorphosis which has been celebrated by many painters including of course Salvador Dali who was a very...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Fry, speaking as the whistle went again, has moved forward, heís still one point behind Paul Merton our leader. Then is Clement Freud and Tony Hawks in that order. Tony your turn to begin, and the subject, and thereís no benefit of doubt in this, it is your subject. It is what I miss about the 70s. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

TH: The Bay City Rollers, shang-a-lang, they donít write lyrics like that any more! What a marvellous decade it was. Penny collars, tank tops, flared trousers were still in...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Did you say penny collars?

NP: Yes thatís right.

PM: Whatís a penny collar?

TH: It was a sort of little loopy collar that obviously you didnít have at your school.

PM: No.

TH: But ah yeah they were those sort of loopy ones...

NP: Absolutely, heís right. You donít need the benefit of the doubt on that...

TH: Thank you very much! Still got that benefit up my sleeve.

NP: And you have 47 seconds to continue on what I miss about the 70s starting now.

TH: And indeed my childhood. Because, youthful though I look to you tonight, studio audience, I have moved on from that section of my life. And in the 70s I was enjoying it to the full, skipping about the place, maybe whatever I felt like doing. You can tell Iím winging it a bit now, but itís still making sense, so they canít get in! And also Iíve got the benefit of the doubt up my sleeve which I havenít used yet. I donít know whether Iíve pointed that out. Anyway the 70s...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: I agree, heís deviating from what I miss about the 70s.

PM: Yes.

NP: Heís talking about deviation and the benefit of the doubt. So Clement, you got in with 19 seconds on what I miss about the 70s starting now.

CF: What I miss about the 70s is the youthfulness of that decade. When I was only 79, I had such a terrific time. I used to play cricket, run, pole vault. I think perhaps, more than any other pastime, that running along a cliff...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Heís still in third place, but heís catching up on Paul Merton and Stephen Fry in that order. And Clement itís also your turn to begin, the subject is the person who should play me in a movie. Have a thought about that and if youíd like to go on the subject starting now.

CF: You know, to have 60 seconds in which to describe the person who should play me in a movie is exceeding it. The answer is Zoe Wannamaker!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, SF, TH AND THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Well you, you rightly stopped because you didnít ride the laugh, you decided to enjoy it. And so, and Tony was the first to challenge.

TH: Wanna make a bet? Um, no I think um, I think he definitely hesitated...

NP: He definitely hesitated yes.

TH: ... on the strength, I mean, it was a huge laugh, but he did look like, once again, the sleeping bag was coming out and heíd packed up.

NP: No, no, he not only hesitated, he stopped. He stopped, he rested on his laurels. And youíve got in with 47 seconds on the person who should play me in a movie starting now.

TH: This is rather an alarming subject for me to talk on, because there is talk of making...

BUZZ

NP: Um yes Stephen?

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: What? What is it? Why? Why do I get picked on like this? He said talk twice.

TH: Yes!

NP: I know he did.

SF: But I get booed by the audience.

TH: Talking. Did I...

SF: No, he said talk twice! Talk.

NP: No, he said talk twice.

TH: No, I did say talk twice.

PM: Okay.

NP: Two talks. Right, 43 seconds, the person who should play me in a movie Stephen, starting now.

SF: Well obviously, given the audienceís attitude towards me, it should be someone from Satanís inner ring! A little microbe from hell, given that Iím such a villainous person. Iíd always imagined that it should be Brad Pitt, but Iím going to have to re-examine the whole issue. There are various actors I wouldnít mind representing me. I suppose, naturally, I would like them to be beautiful and slim, in exactly the way that I am not! Because thatís human nature really, isnít it, we wish to be seen as the very thing that we are the opposite of. But obviously as I say, someone who should be remarkably clear headed and wise, and interrupting occasionally when other people are saying things that are perhaps repetitive or even deviatory or...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Sorry, Iím, Iím probably completely wrong here. But is there such a word as deviatory?

SF: Itís, itís a kind of, you feel that given the tools we have in the English language, you could build it and it makes sense.

NP: That's right, it made sense and if youíd kept going and nobody challenged you, youíd have got away with it.

SF: Yeah.

NP: But weíre not going to let you get away with it because...

SF: Okay, fair enough, fair enough.

NP: Quite right, youíve got in with seven seconds to go Paul on the person who should play me in a movie starting now.

PM: Bagpuss! I canít really see further than that! Sitting in a window, nice pink face, bit of whiskers, that would be my life story encapsulated...

WHISTLE

NP: I think we should have all four of them in a movie, all being played by the people they suggested. I think it would be lovely. I think weíre moving into the last round which is rather sad because...

SF: Awww! Tragedy! Tragedy! Tragedy!

NP: Let me give you the scores as we go into the final round. Well Paul Merton and Stephen Fry are equal in the lead, followed closely by Clement Freud, and only two points behind him is Tony Hawks. Weíre still got the benefit of the round coming up for him. And Paul Merton itís your turn to begin, and the subject is the person I should like to play in a movie. That is the subject, the person I should like to play in a movie, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: Iím not really sure I know what sort of person I should like to play in a movie. I suppose some kind of comic relief best friend...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think he said suppose twice.

NP: He did say suppose twice.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes you did indeed. And Tony youíve got 55 seconds, the person...

PM: In five seconds, I said suppose twice?

TH: You said ďI suppose Iím not really sureĒ, and then you said ďI supposeĒ again. Hence the repetition.

SHOUTS OF ďNO HE DIDNíTĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: Democracy in action!

NP: Excuse me! Excuse me! Iím sorry, itís got nothing to do with you out there! Tony, 55 seconds, the person I should like to play in a movie starting now.

TH: Undoubtedly the person I should like to play in a movie is me! And this may not happen because tragically thereís talk of making Round Ireland... With A Fridge into a movie...

BUZZ

TH: Oh!

SF: Sorry! Sorry!

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: He did seem a little, you know, hesitatory.

NP: I know...

TH: I felt guilty about mentioning my own product.

SF: No, itís wonderful, itís a wonderful read.

NP: I was about to say that he was trying to plug his book and the result is he hesitated.

SF: Yeah, plug his fridge!

PM: Will, will the fridge be recast as a dishwasher perhaps?

TH: No, I mean, tragically, this is the truth. Tragically they are talking about it, and I thought well, it might be the one chance I get to star in a film, because itís supposed to be me, but I think Iím too tall! Sorry...

NP: A bonus point...

TH: Thank you very much!

NP: All right...

SF: Yes.

NP: Stephen you got in, you have 44 seconds, the person I should like to play in a movie starting now.

SF: If there was a life story of Brad Pitt, Iíve no doubt I would be cast in that role. Because our resemblance is just about as uncanny as you can get, without causing people to go into the Twilight zo, Zone theme tune...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think there was a hesitation.

NP: Between Twilight and Zone.

SF: Twilight to Zone yes.

NP: Thirty-four seconds Tony, youíre moving up rapidly, the person I should like to play in a movie starting now.

TH: I would like to play Florence Nightingale, in the Crimea, helping those helpless little soldiers, sitting in their beds wounded. I could move about the hospital ward with an elegance that would surprise many viewers in...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: No, you couldnít!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SF AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: Deviation, I donít think he could work, work with an elegance that would surprise many viewers.

NP: I definitely, Iím afraid I have to agree with you.

PM: Yes!

SF: Oh!

NP: I canít see that!

SF: Thatís the point! The point is it would surprise you!

TH: Yes! Yeah!

SF: You donít think he could...

TH: Yes!

SF: ... and heís saying ďyes, on the face of it, youíre thinking Iím someone who couldnít be elegant. But I would surprise you.Ē So it would surprise you.

TH: Thank you very much!

SF: By definition!

NP: Stephen, it would surprise me if he achieved it, but I donít think he can achieve it!

SF: Thatís why it would be a surprise! If you expected it, if you expected it...

NP: No!

SF: ... it wouldnít surprise you!

NP: No, if weíre going to have a talk on logic, it isnít!

PM: But weíve seen him, weíve seen Tony walking, havenít we Nicholas?

NP: Absolutely!

SF: Youíve never seen him dolled up as Frances, as Florence Nightingale.

PM: I donít, I beg to differ, thank you very much!

SF: Show Ďem, girl! Show Ďem!

TH: Look! I donít want to get involved here particularly, because itís all getting out of hand. But Stephenís right. He is, heís got a point!

NP: Stephen, Stephen is wrong logically because...

TH: Heís never wrong logically!

NP: No, no, you said that you might be surprised. We would not be surprised.

CF: Weíd be amazed!

NP: Weíd be amazed!

SF: Thatís not a difference of logic, thatís a difference of intensity!

NP: All right, Iíll tell you what, I will give you, shall I give you your benefit of the doubt...

TH: Can I have my benefit of the doubt?

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I will give you now your benefit of the doubt in this last round. You keep the subject, another point, 18 seconds, the person I should play in a movie starting now.

TH: Amazed they would be, to see my hair brushed back behind...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Iím sorry, why would anybody be amazed to see your hair brushed back? What! ďDear Point Of View, I saw somebody on television with their hair brushed back. Is it possible to get a copy for my family?Ē

TH: Excuse me! Excuse me! I will hand this over to my...

NP: No, no! Stephen...

SF: No, no, no...

NP: Stephen you stay out of this! We donít like your logic! Itís not accurate! Youíve lost it, Paulís got it, I agree with his, I agree with Paulís logic, I agree with Paulís logic. Fourteen seconds Paul, the person I should play in a movie starting now.

PM: Iíve always been fascinated by the life of Charlie Chaplin. Although Iím too tall, I would like to think I could essay a portrait of that marvellous silent screen clown. He had the most extraordinary life, being born in Bermondsey in the early 18s whatever, and then...

BUZZ

NP: And Stephen challenged.

SF: Nothing extraordinary about being born in Bermondsey! Hundreds of thousands of people were born in Bermondsey even in the 19th century!

PM: I think the rest, the rest of the sentence ďwould have ended up as one of the richest men in HollywoodĒ was how I was going to finish the sentence.

SF: Oh fair enough.

NP: So you didnít allow him to finish.

SF: No, I know, I was only teasing.

NP: And itís not extraordinary that he should have been born in Bermondsey.

TH: Yes, I know weíre not allowed to go back, but you, you donít know how amazing this hair style was going to be!

SF: Yes! Hair brushed back...

TH: Yes!

SF: ... with a live fox in it...

TH: Exactly!

SF: ... was what you were about to say.

TH: Exactly! Yes!

NP: Listen, have you two, Stephen and Tony...

SF: Sorry sorry.

NP: Youíre sitting beside each other. Have you decided to gang up and work as a team, in order to...

SF: Thereís a bit of a coup going on!

NP: ... take over the show and get points for each other? Right Paul, you have one second left, oh itís hardly fair on the others, is it. The person I should play in a movie starting now.

PM: Marilyn Monroe!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Paul Merton with his flamboyant Marilyn Monroe brought that particular round, and this particular edition of Just A Minute to a flamboyant finish. And how exciting itís been! And I think more humourís been generated in this particular edition than has been generated for a very long time. And itís been a very close situation. Clement Freud came in a very strong position. No, no, he deserves a round of applause, he did extremely well. He happened to finish fourth, but really just a few points, didnít get ahead of him. And Tony Hawks, with his benefit of the doubt, even with that he only finished in third position. But he did very well and it was a very very powerful third position. And Stephen Fry was in an excellent second position, excellent, it was amazing. And but just out ahead, two points ahead of Stephen was Paul Merton, so we say you are the strongest one in points and numbers, letís say you are the winner this week, Paul Merton! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Stephen Fry, Tony Hawks and Clement Freud. I also thank Janet Staplehurst, who has helped me run the stopwatch as we call it, blow her whistle so elegantly. We also thank our producer-director, that is Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this delightful game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here in the Drill Hall, cheering us on our way, having a lovely time. From our audience here in London, and from me Nicholas Parsons, and our team, thank you, tune in the next time we take to the air and we play Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC