JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,BJohnston
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and BRIAN JOHNSTON, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 May 1983)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Brian Johnston in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again they are going to try and talk on the subject that I give them, without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. Let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones, Peter the subject is telephone answering machines. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Yes well Iím rather embarrassed to have to admit this publicly, but I donít have a butler. Now Iím sorry if this should destroy the illusions that many of my public have of me. But in lieu of this I have got a telephone answering machine, which records a simple message which I have made myself personally on the tape provided, which says briefly that I am not available to speak in person because I am out or indisposed, lying drunk in bed, I donít know. Any particular reason it could be. I donít like it when I phone other people, and they have a telephone answering machine...

BUZZ

NP: Brian Johnston.

BRIAN JOHNSTON: He said phone before, about quarter of an hour ago.

NP: Telephone is...

BJ: Not telephone, he said phone.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Thatís why I said telephone before, you see.

BJ: Oh if you said telephone before, youíve said it again now, so thatís twice.

NP: No...

PJ: I said phone this time.

NP: Brian you havenít played this game as often as the others...

BJ: No, I know!

PJ: Youíre not likely to, going on at this rate Brian!

NP: Oh it all comes out, even the guests get no mercy! So Brian, an incorrect challenge, Peter another point, and telephone answering machines, six seconds starting now.

PJ: Shops will tell you that thereís nobody there to speak to you if you want to order something and I donít...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, it was Peter Jones who also began the subject and gained points during it. He is not only in the lead at the end of that round, heís the only person to have any points. Derek Nimmo, will you take the next round, the subject is carpet baggers. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Carpet baggers were so named because after the American Civil War when the North beat the South, they used to go from the top part of the country, further down, carrying with them these carpet bags, which they had all their possessions within. And tried to secure some of the most influential jobs in that part of the United States. And this... then became known...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: That I would say was a hesitation, yes Peter. A point to you, 30 seconds on carpet baggers starting now.

PJ: They didnít have any money. They couldnít afford proper port manteaux, or suit cases. And so they fashioned these carpet bags out of bits of old flooring material made of wool, or cotton, whatever. Sometimes they were quite attractive, a lot of sewing went into them. Their mothers and wives were engaged on the needlework of this project for a long time. And when they were ready, they filled them with various articles which they put in, and travelled...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones is starting in fine style. After his success of a few weeks ago, we have a different audience, I must explain, Peter actually won a few weeks back. And heís come back with new adrenaline and here he is, not only still in the lead, but still the only person with any points!

PJ: Itís the same old me, apart from the adrenaline!

NP: Kenneth Williams will you take the next subject, it is variety. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: Howard Blue was in variety. He used to come on and say ďIíve been in the Electric Cafe, I go there because the foodís so shocking!Ē Well I always laughed at those jokes! And Nellie Wallace said ďI have a young man who always holds my purse, says the change does him good!Ē Well the variety place was full of these distinguished artists, and I deplore the fact that we havenít got them with us today, to enliven the proceedings as they always did. Variety, someone once said, was the spice of life, unlike the condiments which you see on a table. They said it gave a flavour, a piquancy if you like. And of course variety is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: So Derek you got in now with three seconds, no, four seconds to go, variety starting now.

DN: Max Miller, that great comedian, used to say ďwhen roses are red, theyíre ready for plucking...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím glad that Derek Nimmo didnít finish that little rhyme of Max Millerís! Because we might have been back to the limerick situation of a few weeks ago. Derek you were speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. Youíre in second place, and Kenneth has a point. Brian Johnston is yet to score and he begins the next round, and the subject is great moments. Iím sure you have some to tell us about, can you do it in the game starting now.

BJ: I donít want to sound boastful, but I have had some great moments in my life. Iíve been lucky...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís beginning to sound boastful!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM BJ, NP, DN< KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: What we like to do on this occasion...

DN: Oh thatís unfair!

NP: What we like to do on this occasion is to give Peter a bonus point for a good challenge, but Brian gets one for being interrupted, and he keeps the subject of great moments with 55 seconds starting now.

BJ: Because I have been able to see things like the coronation... funerals... weddings... cricket matches...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Four hesitations.

NP: (laughs) Four hesitations!

BJ: Hesitation.

PJ: He hesitated before each of these events.

NP: I know he did, but he hasnít...

PJ: Well you know he did! Right, thatís all good. As long as you know he did, itís all right.

NP: But he hasnít played the game as often as you and the others. And...

PJ: You keep saying that, I donít know what to say. I mean I havenít played it as often...

BJ: I mean old Williams here goes faster than that, and you let him go on.

NP: But he doesnít pause in between...

KW: What about the old? Old? Old?

PJ: Yes I heard that.

KW: Old, look at this hair, spun gold! Iíve got hair, spun gold, Iím old! Old! Are you going to stand there and...

NP: Iím not, Iím sitting! Whatís the matter with you, blind as well?

KW: Oh I thought, yes, itís that table.

NP: Right well Brian, weíre with you still, on 45 seconds and the subject is great moments starting now.

BJ: One of the greatest moments that Iíve had was at the Oval in 1953 when England regained the Ashes after 19 years. Denis Compton was batting, Arthur Morris was bowling and he bowled off-breaks over the wicket left-hand, which is the other word for a chinaman. And the batsman to whom I referred with initials DCS swept the ball towards the cathometer...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of ball.

NP: Yes you did mention the, Brian Morris had the balls...

PJ: Too many balls!

BJ: I often speak it like that!

NP: And there are 19 seconds for Derek on great moments starting now.

DN: A great moment in my life was when Dame Anna Neagle received her DBE. We didnít know about it in the company I was in, a play called Charley Girl. And suddenly, one read in the newspaper that this great award had been given to this most noble and gracious lady...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Well, arenít you listening?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, BJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím listening, I want to know whether you are! What was the word?

PJ: Lady!

NP: Thank you very much, you are correct, thereís two seconds on great moments starting now.

PJ: I was stuck in a BBC lift with a lady whose name...

WHISTLE

NP: You see Peter, it can be, when Denis Compton was repeated, it could be that you come up with a wrong challenge as Derek did. Thatís why I had to ask you.

PJ: Ah yes. I see.

NP: But I liked your response.

PJ: Well thank you very much.

NP: Very witty! Youíre still in the lead by the way...

PJ: Of course I havenít been playing it as long as youíve been chairman! Iíve only been doing it for... years...

NP: But itís affected your hair more than mine.

KW: I donít think... I donít think...

NP: In other words...

DN: Did you hear that? That great corpulent oaf saying things like that about Peter Jones!

KW: I think thatís most uncalled for!

DN: So do I, Ken!

KW: I mean the poor man labouring there, under all the difficulties heís labouring under anyway!

PJ: Exactly! And you must remember that I have to play the game with you! You only have to play it with me!

NP: Theyíre working that one out Peter! I have to play it with all of you! With all four of you up against me! Anyway we are now going to continue with, oh yes, who is going to begin? Peter Jones itís your turn to begin.

PJ: Ah!

NP: The subject is egg on face occasions! Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

PJ: Well of course, Iíve had a number of these over a long and successful career. Iíve appeared in the wrong clothes and made the wrong speech...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Wrong.

NP: There are 51 seconds for you on egg and face occasions starting now.

DN: Well one of the most egg on face occasions that Iíve ever heard about was when Peter Jones was coming down a lift at the BBC with this lady. And he took it that she was inviting him to a little bit of you-know-what, and she wasnít, at all. So thatís why he got omelette surli visage very heavily in that particular piece of machinery. But the worst thing that ever happened to me, I must tell you about this because I think youíll be quite fascinated as a matter of fact. It was quite a few years ago, I think I was three and a half at the time. And I was standing on a beach. And a fellow came up to me and showed me one of those little Magill postcards. I donít know whether, perhaps I ought to ask someone who could show, but I did have egg on my face when I saw what I was written underneath. Because there was a line which I thought was quite witty, although rather eggy, I must confess that, because Humpty Dumpty was on the front of it...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was saved by the whistle again before he went over and told us one of those rude jokes. Derek youíve crept forward, youíre one ahead of Brian Johnston, youíre two behind our leader Peter Jones. And Kenneth is still in a commanding fourth place. Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is sand storms. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: They really are singularly terrifying. The first time that I was caught in a sand storm, I was travelling from Sharjah up through Awaddy across to Corpakhan. I saw in the far distance a cloud no bigger than a manís hand, which assumed enormous proportions. And I saw coming towards me this vast quantity of sand. I got off my camel, which is the thing to do, and crept down behind it. Wilfred Thessiger had taught me to do this personally, so I knew exactly what was required. I took my little (unintelligible) off, wrapped it round my head, put the water on it, and waited for the sand to pass over. Now it took some, I would say 25 minutes, before the worst of this great deluge of sand came upon me. I was filled with mortal terror. I crossed myself and took out my rosary beads. And thought...

BUZZ

NP: Brian Johnstonís challenged.

BJ: A long time ago, you said you crossed the desert. And then just you now you say you crossed yourself with the rosary beads.

NP: Well listened Brian! Very clever! And so you got in, we were all so intrigued and fascinated!

DN: Well I was wondering how it was going to end myself!

NP: Brian, well listened, youíve got in with three and a half seconds to go on sand storms starting now.

BJ: I have never been in a sand storm, but I have been in the Savara... no!

WHISTLE

NP: It doesnít matter, the whistle went before you got to the Savara!

BJ: The Savara!

NP: And Brian youíve moved forward, but youíre still one behind Peter Jones, our leader, one ahead of Derek Nimmo, in third place. Kenneth Williams is in fourth place and heís now taking the next subject which is keeping my figure. Donít laugh, he has a beautiful little diminutive figure there. Beautifully marked, beautifully shaped, and he uses it very effectively on the stage. There are 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: Well I have met people who say they find great difficulty in keeping their figure. I reply dieting is no good whatsoever! Reject it utterly! There is only one way to deal with this situation and it is not by accident that all spiritual advice accents the giving up of something. Therefore do without any intake whatsoever for a period, preferably 24 hours. And you will find the benefit is incredible. This is why the Jewish dietary laws have that strict code. Itís the same with Chrisgenetics, saying lent. Taking the idea, you see, that you should go into yourself, forget material things, stuffing your belly, and think only of higher thoughts...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth took the subject with style and panache, kept going for 60 seconds without committing any of the sins of Just A Minute. And was speaking as the whistle went gained a point for that, and also a bonus point for not being interrupted. Alas, heís still in fourth place! But he gives great value for money! Brian Johnston, you begin the next round, the subject is things I make lists of. And there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

BJ: I make lists of a great many things. When you get to my age, you do forget. And so I have a little book in my pocket, and each morning I write down the things which I have to do during the day. Sometimes itís shopping, sometimes itís people I have got to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

BJ: Sometimes.

DN: Iím sorry, Iím so sorry! I mean...

BJ: I havenít played...

DN: Two sometimes.

NP: Sixty seconds for Derek Nimmo to talk about things I make lists of...

DN: Oh sorry...

NP: Iím so sorry...

KW: How can he have 60 seconds...

DN: Are you penalising me?

KW: Youíre supposed to begin with 60 seconds, and this blokeís had a go! So there must have been some time used up! How can there now be 60 seconds? It makes no sense!

NP: It doesnít make any sense at all. The sense is that I made a mistake.

KW: Oh!

NP: I am human!

KW: Oh! But itís so unusual!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP, BJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh you never know where you are in this game with these fellows...

PJ: Thereís a first time for everything, Kenneth!

NP: There are 46 seconds left and Derek has the subject, things I make lists of starting now.

DN: If Iím in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think that time you really didnít get started. So Kenneth I agree, you have ah... thereís more than a second...

PJ: I think thatís a bit harsh!

KW: No it Ďs not! Heís the chairman! Nobodyís a better judge!

PJ: Well I think it is.

NP: Well I can see on the watch that Ian Messiter holds, itís more than a second before he started.

DN: It wasnít more than a second!

NP: Itís there!

DN: Well you mumble on so much, I never know when youíre going to say start!

NP: Well I think you know the game sufficiently well to get it. I mean usually you get cracking like that anyway. Kenneth I agree, you have a hesitation there, 44 and a half seconds on things I make lists of starting now.

KW: I make lists of all those delightful people! Derek Nimmo I put right at the top, because he has such fanciful flights of imaginative delight! I sit enthralled when he...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of I. Weíre playing a really tough game tonight!

PJ: Anyway you canít make a list of Derek Nimmo!

NP: But you didnít challenge Peter!

PJ: He may use a list, he may have a list, but he isnít one.

NP: He may be at the top of the list, but you didnít challenge. It was Derek who challenged, and Kenneth still has the subject, and 31 seconds on things I make lists of...

DN: Are you saying he didnít say I twice?

NP: ... starting now.

KW: I also put down the impressionists. After all one thinks in terms of Dagar, Caravachio and my dear old Gatrino. So-called because, you know, it means squint-eyed. And his real name, Francesco Barbieri, is Frank Barber which doesnít sound at all interesting, as opposed to the modern version. Rather like Jose Marino, a lot better than Joe Brown. But on the other hand, you see, itís very effective...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of you see.

NP: Yes you did say you see before, yes. I thought you were going to have him for deviation, heís got away from what he makes lists of.

DN: Oh really? Well I thought you werenít going to give me a point at all, so Iím really quite pleased the way itís turned out actually!

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge and you have three seconds for things I make lists of starting now.

DN: Radishes, sausages, turnips and peas, greens and jars of beans and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, and has now taken the lead. But the scoring situation is very interesting. Thereís only one point separating each of them in this order, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Brian Johnston and then Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject is a much needed invention. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Iíd like some kind of invention to stop me repeating myself, or hesitating. Ah let alone deviating from the subject. If it could be an electronic impulse which is just fitted under my arm, or some other place in my body, and gave me a little twinge when I was about to do this, then I might easily be able to speak more fluently and with some kind of ah oratoric...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I think deviation, he speaks beautifully, and most fluently. I think to say that he doesnít speak fluently is a deviation.

NP: But he didnít say that. He said he would like to speak there, he would speak more fluently.

KW: Well I think that thatís impossible! Nobody could speak more fluently than Peter Jones!

NP: Well...

KW: Peter Jones not only speaks fluently, he speaks so mellifluously, itís so easy on the ear! People say ďif only I could hear more of that Peter JonesĒ!

PJ: Have you been sniffing glue?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, his nose is naturally that shape!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter, you did say that you could speak more fluently so Kennethís challenge is incorrect. You keep the subject, a much needed invention, there are 37 and a half seconds starting now.

PJ: Also something to wake one up quietly and gently in the morning, not as fiercely and as vulgarly as an alarm clock, or even buzzer. And not music either. I think something that would be um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes Derek, you have the subject with 21 and a half seconds, a much needed invention starting now.

DN: Well Iíll tell you what I think is a much needed invention is some kind of little device that you could pop on to your back, and so you could fly personally. We donít want aeroplanes, great big helicopters, things like that, some wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two somes.

NP: There were two somes, yes there were Kenneth, well listened. Ten seconds are left, a much needed invention starting now.

KW: It should be one which when you press the grapefruit results in any squirts being determined away from you. I didnít know what quite to say there, I meant diverted away...

WHISTLE

NP: Having now been on the panel of Just A Minute, I know what itís like, you see the word comes in, and he wanted diverted, but it didnít come out, it came out determined, didnít it.

KW: No, isnít it funny, I mean, my agony was visible to all! I was left omelette surli visage.

NP: Yes! So Kenneth youíve leapt forward, youíre one ahead of Brian Johnston, one behind Peter Jones and two behind our leader Derek Nimmo who begins the next round, the subject Casablanca. Will you tell us something about that subject Derek starting now.

DN: So after this terrible sand storm, my camel arrived in Casablanca. And I took out my rosary beads and crossed myself, and thanked the good Lord for allowing me to survive this terrible hardships that Iíd undergone before I reached Casablanca. And then I wandered into a rather pretty little bar where there were some unusually effete and scented Englishmen sitting there, wrapped in long dishdashers which as you know is a sort of robe that people tend to wear in that part of the world. One of them was ordering a dry martini, and instead of having an olive in it, he had a date, which I thought was rather singular. But then Casablanca is a strange...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: What about the camel?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, BJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh!

PJ: Did he leave him outside? In the burning heat after heíd taken him all this vast distance?

NP: I love the way that your mind works Peter. All of the rest, we were all listening for any things he did in Just A Minute, and all you were thinking about was this poor camel!

PJ: Well, I love animals, you know, particularly when they save peopleís lives as this one obviously did.

KW: Oh no, I wasnít in the least bit interested in the camel, but I liked all those effete blokes with dates in the gin! I thought that was marvellous!

NP: What we do there is we give Peter Jones a bonus point for a a delightful challenge. Also Derek Nimmo a point for being interrupted and he keeps the subject, he keeps the subject, there are 13 seconds on Casablanca starting now.

DN: They made a very good film called Casablanca, which starred the late Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. And he was supposed to have said it within this programme, ďplay it again SamĒ. I donít know whether it is absolutely correct...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, getting an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, Derek Nimmo has increased his lead. But heís only two ahead of Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round, and the subject is asteroids. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

KW: These are electrons, meteors, sometimes theyíre also called stars. Like me, I twinkle, and when I arrive in France they always say (speaks in French). I think itís very nice to be greeted in that fashion. Asteroids go across the sky. It was in fact a great astronomer who said ďshooting stars go across the skies at nightĒ on the aural tradition, that is to say they are gone once they have been seen, and that is the written tradition, they stay forever...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two traditions.

NP: Yes you talked about tradition before. Sorry Kenneth, and congratulations on the way you wriggled out of the sky and the skies, I thought that was superb. There are 16 seconds on asteroids with Derek starting now.

DN: When I first met Kenneth Williams, he said to me, I thought that I have got the most terrible asteroids. It wasnít in fact what he said, but I was for a long time rather puzzled. And I looked it up in the dictionary, and I found it was these little minor stars that went around the solar system...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo, saved by the whistle once again, shooting all over the place, Iíve no doubt! Um weíve now reached the end of this particular contest and game. And er Brian Johnston whoís came back from his previous triumphs finished in fourth place. But only one point behind Kenneth Williams who gave such excellent value as usual. He was two points behind Peter Jones, who was excellent and outstanding as ever. And way out in the lead was that superlative player of the game, the one and only Derek Nimmo! And we do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, enjoyed listening to it as much as weíve enjoyed playing it. And will be tuning in again when Just A Minute once more takes to the air, and we all play this delightful game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.