JAM:PMerton,CFreud,THawks,SFry
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS and STEPHEN FRY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 July 2004)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you! Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the many listeners who not only tune in in this country, but all around the world. But also to welcome to the show four exciting, experienced and individual players of the game who have come together to show off their talent, their humour, their verbal dexterity, their humorous ingenuity as they try and speak on a subject that I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And sitting on my right itís Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And sitting on my left it is Stephen Fry and Tony Hawks. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them . Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, who is going to hold the stopwatch, and keep the time running for me, and blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Drill Hall, a venue near the Soho district in the centre of London. And we have a wonderful cosmopolitan audience drawn from all parts of this great capital city. And weíre ready to start. And Stephen your turn to begin, the subject now is what not to say to the Queen. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

STEPHEN FRY: I should point out that Nicholas, tomorrow at the time of recording, is going to the Palace to receive from a grateful sovereign, an OBE...

BUZZ

NP: Paul why did you challenge then?

PAUL MERTON: Iím sorry. I thought weíd wandered into the realms of fantasy then.

NP: No itís true.

PM: Are you, are you going to the Palace tomorrow?

NP: Yes I am.

PM: Are they still looking for cleaners?

LAUGHTER FROM SF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I saw the job advertised and I thought I might apply, you know.

PM: Oh congratulations.

NP: Well thank you very much. Stephen you thoroughly embarrassed me, but thank you very much. And Paulís thoroughly amazed. And ah you were interrupted so you get a point, and what not to say to the Queen is still the subject starting now.

SF: Above from all, refrain from saying Marm. They really dislike this, they say it makes them sound like a shopkeeper. Mam is how it should be said. Remember that Nicholas, if you can...

BUZZ

NP: I will indeed, thank you very much. Tony you challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Very technical challenge here. He said the same word twice, but pronounced it, pronounced it differently!

NP: Oh gosh, thatís...

TH: So technically that is a repetition of the word, and it was just pronounced differently.

CLEMENT FREUD: No, no, no, no, no.

PM: No, no.

NP: No, no.

CF: Absolutely...

NP: He pronounced it quite differently, so we allow him to get away with it. He has the benefit of the doubt.

SF: Oh thank you very much.

NP: And 34 seconds, what not to say to the Queen, Stephen starting now.

SF: Jimmy Tarbuck at the end of a Royal Command Performance famously said ďoh that reminds me, I must buy a stamp!Ē Which went down rather well. And there are the odd things like that which you can say to your ruler, to your, to your Monarch, as you please...

BUZZ

SF: ... to your, to your, to your, to your, to your...

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Yes, repetition of to your, to your, to your.

SF: To your, to your.

NP: To your, Tony you got in at last with 21 seconds on what not to say to the Queen starting now.

TH: Tommy Cooper said ďare you going to the Cup Final, Maam? And she said ďnoĒ, and he said ďcan I have your ticket?Ē Which I thought was quite a good thing to say. Not as...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh all right, benefit of the doubt.

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís got nothing to do with you in the audience! I have to make those difficult decisions, and I get three people antagonised whenever it doesnít, doesnít go their way. Clement, benefit of the doubt, 13 seconds, what not to say to the Queen starting now.

CF: I think Stephen Fryís absolutely right. You shouldnít say Marm nor Mam nor especially Golden Oldie...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of nor.

SF: Ah.

NP: Oh nor, yes.

PM: There was quite a few of them.

SF: He was spelling one with a K and two Rs!

PM: Ah!

TH: Canít have advertising on the BBC!

NP: We give a, we give a, Paul gets a point because he got the subject and Stephen gets a point for his interruption there which the audience enjoyed, those little bonus points which I give out on occasions. Seven seconds available, Paul, what not to say to the Queen starting now.

PM: Get your coat, darling, youíve pulled! Itís always a wonderful moment when you get the chance to say that to the sovereign of your country, and what a wonderful night we had the last time...

WHISTLE

NP: Well all I can say is, if I am up there tomorrow, I have got some things I could say! Havenít I!

PM: Yeah! Try, try that last one!

SF: Yeah!

NP: Iíll repeat yours.

PM: Yeah! Get your coat, darling, youíve pulled!

NP: Right, Paul Merton itís your turn to begin. And oh what a wonderful apt subject for you, comic timing. The man who illu, who illustrates it all the time. But tell us something about it in this game starting now.

PM: Comic timing, I suppose, is about pauses, rhythms, undertones. The sound of Groucho Marx delivering a line is distinctive to me as Louis Armstrong's trumpet. I suppose that what you...

BUZZ

PM: Oh!

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of suppose.

SF: Oh!

NP: Yes you did say I suppose. You started off with I suppose...

PM: Yeah.

NP: ... and then you repeated it, right. Tony youíve got in with 50 seconds to go on comic timing starting now.

TH: Sometimes Nicholas does comic timing, when he lets the minute run longer than itís actually gone, because weíre all enjoying it so much. And boy, do we fall about when that happens. On this show, Iím speaking, of course. You can talk for as long for as you like when youíre with him normally. He doesnít really interfere. It would be unreasonable if he stopped you all the time...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Seven hes.

NP: Yes.

PM: A lot of hes, a lot of hes.

NP: A harsh challenge but seven...

TH: Six! Six!

NP: What?

TH: Six.

NP: No, no. No, he was counting. Thirty-two seconds Clement, with you on comic timing starting now.

CF: I think one of my favourite jokes is what is the difference between a vichisuous soup and a Mars Bar?

BUZZ

NP: So Paul challenged in the middle of your comic timing.

PM: Yeah I thought youíd stopped.

NP: I think he had stopped.

PM: I donít, I donít mind, sort of, withdrawing the challenge, the comic timing...

SF: Can we find out the difference, whatever happens? Because Iím dying to know!

NP: Is there, is there a payoff to that one?

CF: Is there a point in it?

PM: Points mean payoffs!

NP: Right Paul, you got in with a correct challenge on hesitation, of course, 22 seconds, comic timing starting now.

PM: You canít fry in batter vichisuous soup. So anyway I was walking down the street the other day and I said to this man, I said ďexcuse me, what are you doing?Ē He said ďah, let me tell youĒ. So he took me through a very long, windy little corridor. And he told me at the very end of it was the secret of comic timing. So I walked very slowly down the passageway...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of slowly.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes indeed. Well done. Iím glad you listened to yourself Paul.

PM: To be honest, I was boring myself rigid!

NP: Seven seconds, back with you Tony, comic timing starting now.

TH: Itís very important to turn up on the right evening. If you go on a wednesday and youíre booked for Thursday, poor timing, and you will...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went and er oh heís getting quite a strong lead. Heís one ahead of Stephen Fry, two ahead of Paul Merton, and three ahead of Clement Freud. And Clement, your turn to begin, the subject, nannies. Tell us something about nannies in this game starting now.

CF: Nannies have eight legs, and are absolutely delicious when they are curried, as they tend to be in the West Indies, Tobago, Trinidad, Jamaica, St Lucia, Guinea, you name it, they do exactly that to a nanny. Nannies in the plural, which is the subject we have, are two goats or more. Also this depends entirely on your social status, can be a grandmother or a governess, someone who looks after children. Nannies are in the plural because...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Second plural, I thought.

NP: Yes.

SF: Oh! But the old darling hates to be patronised, you know.

NP: We are playing Just A Minute, it was a correct challenge Stephen.

SF: Oh sorry.

NP: So you have nannies, and you have 21 seconds starting now.

SF: Iíve never eaten nanny goat. I dare say itís rather nice. Stewed or fried or curried or any way that Clement mentioned...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Tony challenged.

TH: Was that too many ors all close together?

NP: There were three or four very close together. So we give you the benefit of the doubt, that one, you canít have too many ors in the show. And um...

SF: (in nurse voice) Morning, dear!

NP: Right, hold it, hold it...

SF: (in nurse voice) Youíll have your cocoa in a minute!

NP: I was actually playing, playing for a play on words and failed.

SF: Oh Iím sorry.

NP: Itís all right, it doesnít matter. You should be sorry because I failed. Right...

PM: (in nurse voice) Whoís going to see the Queen tomorrow?

NP: Oh dear!

TH: Actually, since this is going out in a few weeks, how was it when you met the Queen?

NP: Um...

TH: Did you pull?

NP: It was established when Stephen started talking about it that at the time of the recording, he did say...

TH: Ah yes!

NP: So we give you a bonus point for that and 16 seconds Tony for you, nannies starting now.

TH: I recently applied to get a nanny. But when they discovered that I wasnít married, had no children, and had written down ďfit blonde, between the ages of 18 and 25Ē, they refused me. I was deeply disappointed, and I rang them the next day saying ďwhatís going on with this organisation. Iím prepared...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went then, and heís increased his lead at the end of the round. And Tony itís also your turn to begin, the subject is moving the goal posts. An interesting phrase, a very topical one for the time of recording. Would you please talk on the subject starting now.

TH: How useful it would be to the England team in the Euro 2004 event if they could move the goal posts every time an opposing attacker came towards them. And David James could unscrew the bottom bit that keeps it fixed into the grass, because thatís how they do it, lift it up, carry it towards the corner flag and then say ďthere, shoot at that, you...Ē hello! Anyway...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: I thought that was deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Hello?

NP: Oh! Youíre being too subtle Clement. It was hesitation and you know it so youíve got the subject and 35 seconds, moving the goal posts starting now.

CF: Moving the goal posts is only significant if the pitch remains in the same place.

BUZZ

CF: I think thatís really all I have!

NP: I think this showís going to be remembered for the occasions when poor Clement Freud made a lot of statements that got huge reaction and he retired afterwards.

TH: Thatís too deep for me, that one!

NP: Oh it was delightful.

TH: Very deep.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation. Moving the goal posts with you Paul, and 28 seconds starting now.

PM: I suppose it means changing your...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

PM: I havenít spoken so that canít be the second time Iíve said suppose! Itís the first time Iíve spoken on this subject, I canít have said suppose more than once.

NP: No, you said suppose when you were talking about comic timing.

PM: Yeah. Exactly.

NP: But not in this round. What are you challenging for Clement?

CF: Well I... I wanted to get in first!

PM: I think the chances are I am going to say suppose, so you should give it to him, I think!

NP: So that was a like a psychic challenge.

PM: Yeah, I think I was, I was going to say it again.

NP: Anyway they enjoyed what Clement said, give him a bonus point for that. Paul was interrupted, he keeps the subject, moving the goal posts and 26 seconds, starting now.

PM: Supposing you have been...

BUZZ

SF: Oh! Ah!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh!

SF: Heís a cunning old devil, isnít he!

NP: Youíve been hatching that plot all along!

SF: Mean! And I fell for it!

NP: And Stephen fell straight into it! So supposing instead of suppose, 24 seconds, another incorrect challenge, itís still with you Paul, moving the goal posts starting now.

PM: When I was 12 years old, I used to play as a goalkeeper for a company called Little League. And it was established around the Mordern area. And basically as a young boy, you would go along and list to play for a particular team. And my favourite position was between the sticks because I had quite long arms, and I was quite good at catching the ball...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Two quites.

NP: Two quites, yes.

SF: Quite long arms, quite good.

NP: Quite good, right. Ten seconds Stephen, youíve got in there on moving the goal posts starting now.

SF: Ah ha I suppose that if one were...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of ha!

SF: Oh now come on!

PM: Hahaha!

NP: No indeed, I wonít, Paul we give you a bonus point because we enjoyed what you said. But Stephen was interrupted there and he has nine seconds, and he gets a point for that of course, moving the goal posts Stephen starting now.

SF: If I were to move the goal posts on this particular game, I might talk about Marigold. I might repeat, deviate or...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Or repeat might!

NP: Or repeat might.

SF: Oh good, good point yes.

NP: Good point yes.

SF: Solid! Solid!

NP: And Tonyís got another point and heís got three seconds on moving the goal posts starting now.

TH: Itís not a good thing to do...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Stephen challenged.

SF: He said good in his earlier part.

NP: He did indeed. You talked about how good it was.

SF: A good thing to do.

TH: I did.

NP: You said it was a very good, at games...

TH: No, I did. I did. Heís done well. And I think heís a good up-and-coming player!

NP: Stephen, two seconds are left, you got in there with moving the goal posts starting now.

SF: Supposition aside, one of the most necessary...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Did you not say supposition before?

SF: (laughs) No! I did not! I did not!

NP: No he didnít, weíve had supposing, I suppose and now supposition. Well done Stephen, youíve, youíve fooled them all! Half a second on moving the goal posts starting now.

SF: There can be no question, I fear...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Fry, with a number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, has moved forward. Heís actually now overtaken Tony Hawks, heís two ahead of him. And heís three or four ahead of Paul Merton and Clement Freud in that order. Stephen your turn to begin, the subject is my favourite poet. Can you tell us something about that person in this game starting now.

SF: Ah well I suppose my favourite poet used to be Wystan Hugh Auden, WH, rather like Smithís the stationers, he was known as. A great great balladeer... oops!

BUZZ

NP: Itís so easy if you donít concentrate for a second, isnít it. Thatís the toughness of this game. And the fun of it as well. Fifty-two seconds, ah, of course repetition.

PM: Repetition of great.

NP: My favourite poet is with you Paul starting now.

PM: I didnít do many poets at school. John Manly Hopkins, the brother of...

BUZZ

SF: (laughs) Oh! Gerald Manly Hopkins had no brothers! Gerald Manly... (laughs)

PM: He did! John Manly Hopkins...

SF: He was raised by brothers, itís fair to say! Jesuit brothers taught him.

PM: Did you not know about...

SF: There was no John Manly Hopkins! You can take that to the bank! Yes!

NP: He didnít actually have a brother...

PM: You have no idea!

NP: I know that he was raised by brothers in a Catholic order, and I thought for a moment thatís what you were referring to.

PM: I was trying to think of his name, and I only remembered it halfway through...

NP: I thought...

PM: Itís such a long name I only remembered it halfway through.

NP: I thought you actually said er Gerald Manly.

SF: No he said...

PM: No I said John Manly.

SF: He said John Manly Hopkins.

PM: Brother of Gerald was as far as I got.

NP: Forty-eight seconds Stephen, back with you, my favourite poet starting now.

SF: Though youíd have to go a very long way to beat John Keats. My heart aches and a drowsing numbness pains my senses, though...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It might be his favourite poem, but itís not his favourite poet.

SF: Itís an example of my favourite poetís work, you canít...

TH: Oh I thought you were just saying how you thought!

SF: (laughs) Oh thank you. Thank you.

NP: Clement, do I understand because heís quoting from John Keats, heís deviating?

CF: Yes.

NP: No! So Stephen another point, and my favourite poet still with you, and 41 seconds available starting now.

SF: Johnnyís old house by the Spanish steps in Rome is a marvellous place...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: John.

NP: John, yes.

SF: But I didnít say it twice.

CF: You repeated it.

SF: I said Johnny, I said Johnnyís old house, because otherwise I would have been repeating John.

NP: Oh thatís right.

SF: I said Johnny, yeah, I had to.

NP: Youíre very clever at this game! Thirty-seven seconds Stephen, my favourite poet starting now.

SF: It contains manuscripts to his various odes, to Grecian urns, nightingales, autumn. They love to do this kind of odey thing, those romantic poets. Shelley was famous for his one to the west wind. And also of course to the marvellous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Of course.

NP: Of course yes.

SF: Oh very likely yes.

NP: That was well listened Clement. At last youíve got in with my favourite poet, 23 seconds starting now.

CF: I think Edna St Vincent Millay is my favourite poet, because her name is so long. For a name in a game like this... nothing is better...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Iím afraid there was, yes Paul. So youíve got my favourite poet, 13 seconds starting now.

PM: Perhaps the work of John Betjamin, all those marvellous poems about church bells and disappearing libraries in Hendon. What a wonderful poet laureate he was. Perhaps much finer than the one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of perhaps.

NP: Yes you did say perhaps before.

PM: Perhaps, supposes.

NP: Yes. Two seconds...

SF: Be more assertive Paul!

PM: Yes! Say what I think more!

SF: Yeah!

NP: Clement youíve got in with two seconds to go on my favourite poet starting now.

CF: All Percy Bish Shelley...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud with points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, has moved forward. Heís just behind Tony Hawks and Paul Merton who are equal in second place. Stephen Fry is still our leader. Paul Merton it is your turn to begin, the subject is packing for a holiday. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

PM: I suppose, perhaps, packing for a holiday is one of those things I really like to do. You get hold of your suitcase, you think to yourself what am I going to put in first. Socks on the left-hand side, perhaps. The un...

BUZZ

NP: Who challenged first? I donít know, who is...

SF: Tony, I think!

PM: Everybody!

NP: It was Tony, right...

TH: Certainly repetition.

NP: Yes I quite agree.

TH: Definitely repetition.

NP: Right, 48 seconds Tony, packing for a holiday starting now.

TH: I get irritated when you go to the airport, and they say ďdid you pack your bags yourself?Ē ďNo, a team of footballers did it for me! Who do you think, you stupid woman?Ē I would sometimes say if I was in a bad mood. Iím not now, I packed my bags myself, yesterday. It was a wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Was it repetition of packed my bags?

CF: No.

NP: No, no, no, no.

PM: Didnít he say packed before.

SF: Who packed your bags?

CF: Repetition of myself.

NP: Mmmm...

PM: Who packed your bags...

SF: He did say who packed your bags.

CF: Did you pack your bags yourself.

TH: Repetition of bags, certainly.

CF: Yes.

NP: Bags, right. Paul, you have 32 seconds, packing for a holiday starting now...

LAUGHTER FROM TH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thirty-two seconds Paul, starting now.

PM: Handkerchiefs on the inside, trousers...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Weíve had the side.

SF: No, but thatís, inside is one word.

PM: Yeah.

NP: He said, inside is one word, on the left side he put his socks, and inside. He started off with the socks...

CF: Iíd like him to win!

NP: Packing for a holiday, 30 seconds, tell us about... Iím almost in this suitcase with you, you know, thereís so much there, so neat and tidy.

SF: He was getting excited, wasnít he.

NP: Yes. Would you come and do my packing, itís so neat.

PM: Absolutely.

NP: Packing for a holiday, 30 seconds starting now.

PM: Toothpaste, shaving kit, Nicholas Parsons folded up neatly so he fits into a nice little package there. And then what you think to yourself, Iím going to take this trunk out to the airport, Iím going to board that plane...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Stephen challenged.

SF: Iím going to twice.

NP: Iím going to.

SF: Three words.

NP: Right.

PM: Iím thinking of a blues lyric.

NP: Packing for a holiday with you Stephen, 19 seconds starting now.

SF: Youíd have to include a lot of blues lyrics, because Billie Holiday needed these when she was travelling...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Is that a hesitation.

NP: I call that hesitation, yes yes. Right...

SF: I was muttering through my teeth, yes really. Made a little joke about packing for Billie Holiday...

NP: Fifteen seconds, packing for a holiday is with you Tony starting now.

TH: Packing for a holiday is really best to do when youíre...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Best to do?

NP: Best to do.

PM: Itís best to do.

TH: Oh youíre like my bloody English teacher, you are! Leave me alone! Itís best to do! Thereís nothing wrong with that!

SF: Hardly one of the major lapses.

TH: Yes yes.

NP: I donít think it was a major lapse of grammar.

TH: No no.

PM: No I think it was perhaps the way you said it.

NP: It was a little bit of colloquial English which he occasionally indulges in. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, you got it very early this time. And you have 11 seconds on packing for a holiday starting now.

TH: Not a good thing to do if youíre going to work, and not going...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Good.

NP: Good, yes.

CF: Repeat.

NP: What?

CF: He said it before.

NP: Yes he said good before, not a good thing to do and you said before...

TH: I certainly said...

SF: To do, he said, best to do.

TH: Actually, everything I said, I had said before!

SF: Yeah! (laughs) Just about!

NP: Clementís got in with eight seconds on packing for a holiday starting now.

CF: I think Peking for a holiday is a very good resort...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Iím going mad here! I thought heíd mispronounced the word packing. But he said Peking. But of course itís no longer known as Peking, because itís changed its name, so itís deviation.

CF: I know it, I know it as Peking!

PM: And who do they know you as? Clement Frood?

NP: Well we do get letters, you know...

PM: Yeah, you get letters.

NP: Yes I get letters.

PM: But despite that, you still turn up, donít you! He does! He turns up! He does! Donít boo him, heís right in front of you!

NP: The letters I get from Asia are some of the loveliest and most complimentary letters Iíve ever had in my life.

PM: Nicholas, I write those!

NP: Six seconds Clement, an incorrect challenge, with you, packing for a holiday starting now.

CF: Packing for a holiday is a very useful thing to do, unless you want to lose your luggage, in which case it is...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, so we are moving into the last round.

PM: Oh!

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You could make more of that actually!

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughs) Sounds like a lot of nanny goats trying to, baying for their mates! Um Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. And weíre all very close as we move into the final round. Clement is only just in fourth place. Heís a couple of points behind Paul Merton who is one point behind Tony Hawks, who is one point behind Stephen Fry. So itís very very close, it could be anybodyís game. And a lovely subject to finish on, how to look cool. Clement, as you look the coolest of all of us at the moment, and Iím sure you are a cool customer anyway. Will you talk on that subject, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: Ideally you get into a refrigerator with a glass door. And youíd be amazed how cool you look to people looking back. Alternatively, choose friends who have poor eyesight. And then whatever happens, they are likely to say what a cool type this... type is...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen you challenged.

CF: I donít want to win.

SF: Well there were two types, as well as quite a pause.

NP: Yes you donít get, you donít get two points but you just get one for either. And thereís 40 seconds on how to look cool starting now.

SF: Wear mirror shades and black and be an arsehole! Because frankly, itís a ghastly American thing, isnít it, being cool. I canít bear it! Whereís heart? Whereís soul, spirit, love, joy, pleasure...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

PM: Earth, wind, fire!

SF: Oh yes! (laughs) Thank you!

CF: Two wheres.

NP: Yes where, where, where.

SF: And I inadvertently said arsehole as well, for which I do apologise. I said it again! Iím sorry!

NP: I know.

SF: Sorry.

PM: Nicholas, Nicholas, are we allowed to have arseholes on the BBC?

NP: I suppose it depends who youíre looking at! And Clement has got a correct challenge, heís got...

SF: What was the challenge? I never heard it.

NP: Where, two wheres.

SF: Oh, I beg your pardon.

NP: You see I do concentrate.

SF: Oh you certainly do, absolutely.

TH: How did it go with the Queen, by the way?

NP: What?

TH: How did it go with the Queen?

NP: That is repetition, you said that. Thirty seconds Clement, on how to look cool starting now.

CF: Different sports demand....

LARGE THUMP IN THE BACKGROUND

CF: ... differing clothes...

BUZZ

NP: Sorry. Paul challenged.

PM: I thought there was a slight hesitation then.

CF: No.

PM: Really? Oh Clement...

CF: There was somebody knocking.

NP: There was, there was somebody knocking and thumping, I donít know...

CF: Yes he knocked twice, that was the repetition.

NP: And your light came on. Clement Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt, you have another point, you have 27 seconds on how to look cool starting now.

CF: If you want to go to the Marylebone Cricket Club at Lordís in St Johnís Wood, the way to look cool is to wear the proper clothes and a tie, which is red and yellow...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: There was this enormous pause, he said ďif you want to look coolĒ at the very beginning of his sentence, and thatís what he said at the very beginning of his first one. If you want to look cool, get into a fridge. Thatís the wants which arenít...

NP: Well, how to look cool is on the...

SF: Yes but not want, darling! Want! Want! He said want twice, darling! If you want to look cool.

NP: Youíre quite right. he did, I was concentrating as I was listening.

SF: Sorry.

NP: He did say want.

SF: Yeah.

NP: He did say ďif you want to look coolĒ, Iím sorry Clement.

SF: Oh!

CF: No Iím...

NP: Itís a repetition of want.

CF: I donít want to win this game!

NP: Eighteen seconds Stephen, on how to look cool starting now.

SF: As I say, rather unpleasant people, it seems to me, look cool, and I donít like it. I think people should look nice and charming and clean...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes.

SF: Oh good point.

NP: And charming as well, which you said before.

SF: Oh did I?

NP: Yes. Ah 12 seconds on how to look cool with you Tony starting now.

TH: I feel slightly sorry for the listeners at home who canít see the good example of how to look cool from our esteemed chairman, who in every sense, epitomises style, charm...

WHISTLE

NP: Do you want another bonus point?

TH: Yes please!

NP: So Tony Hawks was speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, and naturally after the lovely things he said, one would be tempted to give him another bonus point. But Iím always very fair, I like to see justice played, and Iíll give you the final score now, and they are very very close. How do you say there is a winner? Theyíre all winners, theyíve all done well. But in ascending order, it was Clement Freud in fourth place. Then Paul Merton. And only one point ahead was Tony Hawks. And only one point ahead was Stephen Fry. But as we have to announce a winner, weíll say Stephen you are the winner this week! Thank you. It only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful and clever and funny players of the game, Paul Merton, Stephen Fry, Tony Hawks and Clement Freud. I thank Janet Staplehurst, who has helped me with the score, and blown her whistle so delicately. We thank our producer-director, that is Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are very indebted to this lovely audience. So from our lovely audience here, and from me Nicholas Parsons, and the four lovely panellists, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Thank you!

THEME MUSIC