JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JJunkin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 October 1983)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and John Junkin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And this particular show, we welcome three of our regular players of the game, and a guest who has played before with great success, John Junkin. And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, and who better. And the subject Kenneth is getting a good start. You like to do that, but now talk on the subject if you can, 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Getting a good start for an actor would mean speaking as Hamlet advises, trippingly on the tongue. And he said do not mouth your words, in other words be as if a town crier spoke my lines. And do not saw the air too much with your hand, but always use it gently, for remember the purpose of playing was is always to hold up the square, the mirror to the...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin you pressed your buzzer, but the noise wasnít there, but the light came on. What is your challenge?

JOHN JUNKIN: Yes Iím, Iím not allowed to challenge on overacting, so could I challenge on deviation. Because he was into Hamletís speech to the actors, and itís got nothing to do with getting a good start.

NP: No John, I donít think he was actually deviating from the subject of getting a good start, which he was trying to make the case that Hamlet was instructing the players in that way. So Kenneth you keep the subject, there are 40 seconds left, you get a point of course for a wrong challenge, getting a good start starting now.

KW: When a meal is being prepared, it is essential that you think of starting with something which will excite the taste buds of your visitors. Now what would be better than a little avocado pear, perhaps vinaigrette added...

BUZZ

NP: DereK Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Well I think a lot could be better than an avocado pear! I wouldnít want an avocado pear at all!

NP: Well you may think ah, thereís nothing, that other things could be better. But Kenneth has decided that thatís what he would like to start with.

DN: Oh.

NP: And it is still getting a good start. So a wrong challenge Iím afraid Derek, another point to Kenneth. And there are 23 seconds starting now.

KW: But getting off to a good start when it comes to the hurdles and the racing means you must kneel, ready by the starting block. And as the gun is fired, off you go, and you have a tremendous spurt, you see, because the beginning of the race does...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of beginning.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you said beginning when you were talking earlier about racing.

KW: Oh yes yes.

NP: So Clement Freud has got in with only seven seconds to go on getting a good start starting now.

CF: Getting a good start is actually incredibly unimportant. Because finishing is what matters. When you run in a marathon, you...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment, gains an extra point. It was Clement Freud and at the end of the first round, heís equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams and he also begins the next round. The subject Clement is krill. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: I knew a one eyed javelin thrower called Sebastian Krill. And while he didnít win much, he kept the audience permanently to attention because they were a bit concerned with what might happen with the implement which he slung. But krill, I believe, is a term given to those fish that float in front of whales, and provide sustenance, dockey breaks, elevenses, afternoon tea, or whatever it is that mammals of that kind eat when they are hungry. In the Pacific Ocean, not to mention the Atlantic and the Indian one, and quite particularly around Mauritius and Reyenyeux, although there have been sightings in Guadeloupe and Martinique, krill of various colours but, ah...

BUZZ

NP: With five and a half seconds to go, Derek you got in with a challenge. What was it?

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes it was of course. And you have five and a half seconds on krill starting now.

DN: Well krill is what I would have if I was having a good start to a meal. Theyíre absolutely delicious and if you go to a restaurant like Guadzetteís or...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo now has two points and he joins Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams in the lead. And John Junkin who is yet to score starts the next round. John the subject is video games. Can you tell us something about that popular pastime in our game starting now.

JJ: I personally consider video games to be a very pernicious pastime. They are dangerous, video games, because they are time consuming. One sits before the set, holding some sort of device in oneís hand, where you push a button, or pull a lever, and you are intended to destroy space invaders, eat gorillas, climb ladders, be bombed, sink submarines, destroy Superman...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of destroy.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did say destroy before.

JJ: Did I?

NP: Yes yes.

JJ: Oh dear.

NP: So Clement a correct challenge, another point, 32 seconds, video games starting now.

CF: It is an extraordinary thing that the younger you are the more expert you tend to be in the manifestation and participation in video games. I have a grandchild called Tom, although I have another called Jack whom I would hate to be thought not to mention on a programme with the wide appeal of this one...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Weíre talking about video games, not a big catalogue of his family.

NP: Yes. I do think...

CF: Theyíre the only members of my family who play video games.

NP: Yes. I do think he had deviated from the games to the family, which is another pastime of course. But itís not the subject on the card so Derek I agree with your challenge...

CF: Really?

NP: ... and you have 12 seconds on video games starting now.

DN: I knew a boy called Tom who was frightfully good at playing video games, and I used to watch with tremendous admiration because itís very interesting that as you...

BUZZ

NP: Ah John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation? He was going so fast we could hardly get a word in.

JJ: There was a distinct hesitation there, he was searching for a word.

DN: If I was going as slow as Freud, I mean he goes (does slow impression of CF) mah mah mah (normal voice) all the time.

JJ: Heís actually talking quite normally, Derek, theyíre playing him at the wrong speed!

NP: I disagree John, good attempt. But five seconds are left with Derek Nimmo on video games starting now.

DN: (in impression of CFís voice) I started playing video games some 12 years ago...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: What from?

CF: The way he spoke before!

NP: Yes! As itís not um a deviation within the game, I think we give Clement a bonus point for a good challenge which we enjoyed, but leave the subject fairly with Derek Nimmo, and two seconds to go starting now.

DN: Space invaders seems to be terribly popular, I never quite know why...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo has now taken the lead at the end of that round and he also begins the next round. The subject is nine green bottles. Derek would you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: Well actually my nine green bottles were a Christmas present to me from Miss Freddie Bowering who worked with the Screen Guild and I thought her very charming. Actually when they started out there were 10 green bottles, but one green bottle did accidentally fall and so there are only now...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Deviation, heís talking about 10 green bottles and not nine green bottles.

NP: Iím sorry John, I canít agree with you. Derek keeps the subject, 45 seconds...

DN: Why are you being so charitable?

NP: Iím always charitable.

DN: Youíre not normally nice to me. Why are you giving me a point? I, I refuse to accept your charity! Give it to John Junkin! Iím not having charity from you, Parsons!

NP: Derek Iíve never been charitable to you.

DN: No I donít want it, Iím sorry. Iím not going to have it.

NP: I was just trying to be fair within the game.

DN: Iím not having a handout, no, Iím not having charity. No, Iím sorry, give it to John Junkin. Youíre being patronising, thatís what youíre being, youíre patronising.

NP: Theyíll say anything to get a laugh!

DN: Nicholas Parsons! That always gets a laugh!

NP: Derek Nimmo you... Derek you have fairly won that point...

DN: Ah!

NP: But if you wish to hand it to John Junkin...

DN: No, no, no, no...

NP: You want it back again now, do you?

DN: Yes Iíd like it back now.

NP: Forty-five seconds starting now.

DN: Well the first bottle that I opened came from South Australia, from the Barossa Valley. Prepared by Wendy Hill-Smith and it was called Galumba. And it is a particularly good kind of Cabernet Sauvignon. The second bottle came from Bordeaux, and that gave me particular pleasure because it was a premier crue which I believe was called Opreignon. Might have come from OíBrien, originally, the family, so they say from Ireland. But they went out there to France and theyíve prospered since. The third one that I found couldnít have been more exciting. Itís a bottle of Taylorís 45, excellent port from an old English family that went out to Portugal some 200 years ago, I believe. And they still ship back, often send us wines, enfortified of course, to Colchester. Now the fourth one, very fashionably...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was again speaking as the whistle went, gained another extra point, and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is chain letters. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: Chain letters have always seemed to me to be the most pernicious form of swindle. In that people write to you and say if this...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

CF: A bit mean! I...

DN: Oh.

NP: No I think it was a bit mean too. I donít think you really hesitated enough to be a fault in the game. So Clement, you continue with 52 seconds on chain letters starting now.

CF: Threatening dire consequences if you do not send on the envelope containing the 20 pound note or even more. I have always felt that chain letters would be quite acceptable if the content were something other than money. And I might suggest pea soup or mashed potatoes. It would be exceedingly pleasant to get such a product through the post. And if four of your best...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JJ: From sense! Who wants to get pea soup through the post?

CF: To write...

DN: I should think probably itís illegal to send pea soup through the post.

CF: No.

DN: In an envelope.

JJ: That too, yes.

NP: I donít think he was deviating within the rules of the game. Because you can be as fantastic as you like, as long as you donít deviate from the subject. So chain letters are still with you Clement, and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

CF: A freezer envelope stuffed into a manilla brown paper covering bearing a 12 and a half P stamp, redolent...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Repetition of P!

NP: Pea soup is hyphenated and he said P then. Thatíll be your argument, wonít it.

CF: Yes it would.

NP: John Junkin you have a correct challenge...

CF: What?

NP: Sixteen seconds, chain letters starting now.

JJ: Chain letters...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Heís our guest and weíre getting him going. There are 14 and a half seconds on chain letters John starting now.

JJ: Chain letters are immoral and conceivably illegal, in that anyone who sends a chain letter is virtually blackmailing the recipient of the said missive to send various objects or money or goodwill through the post...

WHISTLE

NP: So John Junkin was speaking as the whistle went, gained that all important extra point, and heís still in third place. John youíre one ahead of Kenneth Williams, and Clement Freud is in second place behind Derek Nimmo, but John you begin the next round. The subject is spoiling the goldfish.

JJ: Spoiling the goldfish...

NP: Yes I do actually say, have to say ďstart nowĒ because um, then Ian Messiter presses the nipple on his watch and we all start going. Spoiling the goldfish John, starting now.

JJ: Spoiling the goldfish is a phrase that can be taken one of two ways. If by spoiling the goldfish you mean overindulging it, in the way that some parents do with children, usually an only child, then it is possible to spoil the goldfish by providing it, with shall we say, a bowl made of the finest crystal. Or importing from the Appalachian Mountains pure spring water for the piscine creature to indulge itself in. Or else one could provide it with a certain amount of food...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of provide.

NP: Yes you were providing us before, Iím afraid John.

JJ: That is true.

NP: So Derek got it with 27 seconds left, spoiling the goldfish Derek starting now.

DN: I was taught how to spoil goldfish by Nicholas Parsonsí wife Denise. She said you take a pair of scissors and you cut off their tails and their fins and then theyíre thoroughly spoilt...

BUZZ

NP: Clement has...

KW: Deviation! I know Denise Briers quite well, and sheíd never suggest anything so horrible! I mean thatís really horrible, and I know Denise would never discuss cutting their tails off! I know she wouldnít!

NP: No, he just wanted to work it, he just wanted to work it into the programme.

KW: Just wanted to work it into the programme, thatís all he done!

NP: Yes so I agree with Kennethís challenge and I think Iím probably more qualified to judge! So Kenneth...

DN: Iím not deviating from the subject though, was I?

NP: He was on the subject but it was deviation within that subject...

DN: Youíre just being protective about your wife!

KW: Donít you get browbeaten Nicholas!

DN: He doesnít like me mentioning his wife!

KW: Donít be browbeaten like that!

NP: Iíve been browbeaten in this game for 13 years now!

KW: Well donít stand for it! Stick up for yourself!

NP: I still make decisions...

DN: He knows that I lust after his wife, thatís why he...

NP: On that particular point, let me tell you that I think Kenneth Williams has the subject, and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

KW: Spoiling the goldfish is done by putting too much of the food into the water. Now people who really know are the veterinary man I, I, I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think I would agree.

KW: Well I wasnít sure whether it was vet or an aquarium, you see! Thatís what done me! You understand my point? (kisses CF)

NP: That last laugh by the way, I must tell our listeners, was because Kenneth was overwhelmed and actually kissed Clement Freud. And while it might be good on television, it doesnít have much effect on radio. Um...

JJ: It doesnít have much effect on Clement Freud either!

NP: You donít think Kenneth Williams would do it, if he thought it did have much effect! There are five seconds to go for you Clement, on spoiling the goldfish starting now.

CF: Spoiling the goldfish would come about...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: No! Two seconds Clement on spoiling the goldfish starting now.

CF: If you cook them without salt...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud kept two or three points in that round including one when the whistle went. Heís creeping up on our leader Derek Nimmo. Kenneth and John are trailing a little. Derek begins the next round and the subject is a jumper. Can you tell us something about that Derek starting now.

DN: Well sometimes you use the word jumper when you are referring to a woolly, donít you really. The sort of thing that you wear you across your chest with your arms sticking through low sleeves if you get the idea. But my favourite ones come to, from the Fair Isles in the Shetlands. I know, awfully nice, those lovely woolly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well itís one or tother.

NP: What is?

CF: Itís Fair Islands or the Shetland Islands!

DN: Well itís in the Fair Isles are in the Shetlands, really.

NP: The Fair Isles...

DN: Itís one of the Liberal strongholds isnít it, you ought to know! You havenít got many places!

NP: Well tried Clement. Derek 45 seconds are left, a jumper starting now.

DN: It became very popular of course with Brideshead Revisited, didnít they. All those things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Second didnít they. It is rather an interrogation or an inquisition. Itís meant to be a panel game!

DN: Second didnít they?

CF: Mmmm, you said didnít they before.

DN: When? Last Tuesday, yes!

NP: I donít remember him saying it, I must be....

CF: Well your memoryís defective! I think that is very...

NP: Iím not only, Iím not only uncharitable, Iím mentally defective and everything else, but thatís the reason I have the job. Because if you had a sane intelligent person trying to control this game, it would probably not be rather, rather boring. Derek you have 42 seconds on a jumper starting now.

DN: One of the best jumpers I ever had was a goldfish. I cut its tail off and you should have seen it leap in the air! My goodness, it was a jumper...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, we all know that goldfish arenít jumpers and so itís a very silly thing to say. Very foolish.

NP: Well thatís one of those things, we know he didnít...

KW: You wouldnít define a goldfish as a jumper, would you!

NP: Well if you cut his tail off and he jumped, youíd say ďmy Lord, there goes a jumper, yesĒ! I mean, no, I think his fantasy is taking all right, but heís still keeping on the subject.

DN: I didnít mention your wife, did I? So itís all right. Itís only when I couple goldfish with his wife that he objects!

NP: No...

DN: He doesnít like his wife coupling with goldfish!

NP: You, you made a statement of fact before which was incorrect. You werenít making a statement of fact on that occasion so Derek, you have 35 seconds, a jumper starting now.

DN: Of course a lot of marsupials are jumpers. Wombats, arenít they fun? Donít you love them? Lovely creatures. And then particularly, Iíve noticed in the Antipodes, the kangaroo. They jump tremendously...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Oh I donít know. I mean...

NP: It was about time we stopped him.

CF: He did go on a bit.

NP: Yes! Yes.

CF: The kangaroo, they jump. You know, a lot of, a lot of flannel.

DN: Well kangaroos are jumpers, arenít they. For goodness sake!

NP: Yes I really donít think, in order to be fair, I donít think I can actually give it against him.

DN: Of course you canít.

NP: So he has to continue with 20 seconds on a jumper starting now.

DN: Beecherís Brook, Valentine, the Waters...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin.

JJ: Theyíre not jumpers, theyíre jumps.

NP: Yes they are jumps.

DN: The horses are jumpers that go over them. I was about to tell you...

JJ: You werenít talking about the horses, you were talking about the jumps.

NP: You said ah, you started off with Beechers and you were establishing in our mind that that that was a jumper. So we leave it with John Junkin now...

DN: Captain Beecher was a jumper. Thatís why it was called Beecherís Brook because Captain Beecher used to jump over them.

CF: No, he jumped into it!

NP: Derek youíve had a good innings on that subject, and weíre giving the benefit of the doubt to John Junkin, our guest and 18 seconds on a jumper John starting now.

JJ: Jumpers in my youth were very antisocial, principally because the fashion at the time was for the young lady, always to wear a sweater or jumper made of Angora wool, generally light blue in colour. And the fashion for gentlemen at the time...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Fashion.

NP: Fashion, Iím sorry. And heís got in with three seconds to go, a jumper Derek starting now.

DN: I shouldnít think there were many jumpers in John Junkinís youth. They probably wore wode...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo has shot in a very extended lead at the end of that round with all the wrong challenges and one for speaking as the whistle went. Kenneth you begin the next round, the subject is what I never write in my diary. What a difficult revealing subject for Just A Minute. Tell us if you can Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well life is full of the prosaic, the mundane, the often boring, is it not! So one doesnít confide that to oneís diary. I certainly wouldnít put down the details or become discursive about an experience which I found rather dreary. That would not find its way into my diary. I would confine it to those...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Two confines.

KW: I didnít, I said confide to my diary and the second time I said confine. And thatís a N, and not a D! And I will not be picked up like this! It is absolutely disgraceful!

NP: Itís not at all disgraceful, but itís incorrect.

KW: Yes.

NP: So, so you have a point for a wrong challenge...

CF: Oh good.

NP: ... so I wouldnít get too hot under the collar, but continue with the subject with 31 seconds left starting now.

KW: Also what I would not put in my diary would be the sums of money involved in certain purchases. Iíll tell you for why. Now then, I get very guilty about overspending, so I would not want to remind myself of excessive purchases...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Well it sounded like purchases twice. But I expect it wasnít!

NP: I think the friendly cuddle that Kenneth gave you indicates that he does agree with that challenge. So Clement youíre in with 10 seconds to go on what I never write in my diary starting now.

CF: Itís almost essential never to write anything that anybody might pick up, and use in evidence against you. And therefore breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner are meals which...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement gained points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís creeping up on our leader Derek Nimmo, and John Junkin and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject is weights. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: An awful lot of fuss is made about weights, and people come up to you and say ďyou are too heavy, far too fat, carry...Ē

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin.

JJ: Repetition of too.

NP: Yes but we donít bother with those sort of...

JJ: Why is it you never bother when I challenge, but you do when someone equal challenges?

NP: Well we let little words go, if it goes on for more than couple of times, then I think we might go. And also heíd only just started. But Iíll tell you what, as youíre the guest John, we wonít charge anything...

CF: Oh I think you should charge him, especially...

NP: Give Clement Freud another point, as itís the last round, I donít think itís going to make any difference to the result...

CF: Heís not going to win, is he, I mean, itís not going to...

JJ: Can I just tell the audience that in a previous broadcast Tim Rice who happens to be rich and famous and powerful, challenged somebody on yo-yo, for repetition of yo and he allowed it!

NP: I thought that was a very clever challenge! Yes.

CF: Brilliant!

JJ: Now are we, are we playing the rules, or are we playing your opinion?

NP: Well my opinion comes into every judgement Iím afraid.

JJ: (laughs) Oh this is unfair! This is persecution!

NP: Itís an impossible game on which to be chairman, and you know, as I said, they canít find any sucker whoíll take it on, so I have to continue. And er...

DN: What I want to know is how much you usually charge? I didnít know that you had a fee for this. You just said ďIím not going to charge you anything for this JohnĒ.

NP: Well I did offer Derek...

DN: If heíd offered you more money, would you have given him a point? Thatís what I want him to know.

NP: Oh you mean money in the game? Well I have to earn a living somehow. You donít think the BBC pay me to do this job, do you?

DN: I should hope not! I should think youíre probably paid by Capital Radio to keep their figures up!

NP: I might get some money now from sensitive listeners in all those far-flung parts of the um... oh...

BUZZ

JJ: Hesitation. Oh sorry!

NP: Right anyway, send your donations in a sealed envelope. There are 52 seconds left for the subject of weights with you Clement starting now.

CF: On Liverpool Street Station thereís a weighing machine, above which youíll find a chart indicating what should be the ideal weight for your height. And for the first time ever I actually discovered I weigh precisely the correct amount, only I am nine and a half inches too small. as a result of this, I obviously have the alternative of going to a hat shop and purchasing some headgear which would bring me up to six foot seven and a half. Or alternatively, investing substantial sums of money, in going to a health resort which such manifestations as are exercised by massage, sauna, yoga and probably yoghurt as well, would cause me to shrink in avois du twois to such an extent, where the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud kept going with great style and panache to finish that round, gain an extra point. In fact he started with the subject and finished with it which is an achievement in itself. And he also brought the show to an end with a resounding, well, what can we call it?

DN: Thud!

NP: With great style. Clement, alas, you didnít finish in the lead, but you almost overtook our leader. Let me tell you that John Junkin and Kenneth Williams finished equal in third place, a little way behind Clement Freud. Who was only three points behind this weekís winner, who was Derek Nimmo! We hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful and impossible game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.