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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, PETER JONES, TIM RICE and LIBBY PURVES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 October 1983)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Tim Rice and Libby Purves in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, we have two guests playing this week along with two of our regulars. And we welcome back after his successes in the last series, Tim Rice. And with him Libby Purves. And we have of course Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones, and who better? Now I’m going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we will begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth the subject is magic. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Magic is a quality which has often been attributed to me. People cry out “oh when he appears, it is magic”. And I was in a show once with a man who was a member of the magic circle. And he could do such tricks from a little box which he held in his hand. And he always said to the audience “It’s quite an ordinary piece of apparatus, you see. It has a top side, and it has a back... oh naughty!” BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: Hesitation. NP: Yes I’m afraid when you tried to get out of your problem, and not repeat the word side, you did hesitate Kenneth. KW: Well did you think that was hesitation? I didn’t hesitate at all. No it wasn’t hesitation. The point was the man always said “top side... back... oh naughty!” Because he wouldn’t say the word because it means something rude. Do you follow me? NP: I do, yes. KW: It’s a reference to the posterior. And the man didn’t want to make a reference to the posterior. Do you understand? So it wasn’t hesitation, I was actually repeating the dialogue which he used. NP: Well he must have, he must have paused as well when he used that dialogue. KW: However if you rule that it is hesitation, I would not argue with you Nicholas. No! NP: What has come over you Kenneth? KW: No, if you so rule, I bow, I am deferential where it comes, when it comes to the chairman. Yes deferential. NP: Yes I’m sure and you always do that Kenneth. KW: That’s right. NP: And I admire you for it. And I’m afraid I have to give the challenge to Peter Jones, so he gets a point for that and also takes over the subject of magic and there are 29 seconds left starting now. PJ: Well magic has nothing whatsoever to do with conjuring, or dragging rabbits out of your trouser leg, and making it appear as though they’re coming from a top hat. Magic is something that exists, say for instance, in a theatre just before the curtain is about to rise. A hush falls over the entire building. People are waiting anxiously for something extraordinary to happen. And the actors... WHISTLE NP: Normally Ian Messiter sits beside me in Just A Minute. But Ian unfortunately isn’t well today so I have the lovely Leonie beside me who is not only keeping score, and she’s blowing the whistle. That’s why it had such a feminine ring to it when she blew it. Normally it goes with more panache than that. The whistle tells us by the way that 60 seconds is up, and whoever speaks at that particular moment gains an extra point. And of course it was Peter Jones who is the only person to have scored at the end of the first round. And Peter I see, according to the chart in front of me, you are next to speak. And the subject is dressing in a hurry. Can you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: When my children were very small, I used to demonstrate how easy it was to get dressed in a hurry. And I would whisk off my jacket, tie, shirt, trousers, shoes, socks, underwear, until I was wearing only my Y-fronts, and it could be done in about... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice you challenged. TIM RICE: This, this is undressing in a hurry! NP: Oh! PJ: Brilliant! NP: A very good challenge! PJ: You have to get undressed before you can get dressed. You can’t get dressed when you’re wearing a full suit of clothes! NP: Ah it is, I think that’s a very good challenge. PJ: Yes it’s quite a good challenge. NP: You should have started from the position when you were undressed. PJ: But I wouldn’t appear in the sitting room in the nude! NP: Well in Just A Minute you can do anything! Tim, I agree with your challenge, you take over the subject of dressing in a hurry and there are 43 seconds left starting now. TR: When dressing in a hurry, at full speed that is, I always put all the clothes in dressing order, in a line on the floor. I start with what has to go on first which in my case is my left sock. I follow this speedily with my right article, that woolly thing that goes on the end of your foot. This is followed in turn by my left... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he did say foot twice. Of course he’s got two feet. But he did, ah he did say it again. NP: He did indeed. He also said followed more than once. So anyway there are 16 seconds with you Peter on the subject of dressing in a hurry starting now. PJ: Well having stripped down to my shorts, I used to put on the trousers, the shirt, the tie, and everything. Could be done in 32 seconds on a good night. Sometimes of course if one was interrupted by a caller, they were ushered into the sitting room... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice has challenged. TR: Why would he be dressing at night? He should be undressing at night! PJ: I was... NP: Well he might be going out to the theatre or something. I mean if... PJ: It was a demonstration! NP: ... he would definitely dress for it. Mmmm! PJ: It was for the children’s benefit, you see. NP: Oh it was the children’s benefit. Yes. PJ: Show them how quickly it could be done. NP: I know! So Tim I disagree with the challenge. And once again Peter you have with an incorrect challenge with only one second to go starting now. PJ: Take ‘em off as fast... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones is running away with it this week. Not only speaking as the whistle went to gain that extra point, he’s now in a commanding lead over Tim Rice who begins the next round and the subject Tim is drink. Will you tell us something on that in the game starting now. TR: I am very well qualified indeed to talk about this topic, drink, because I hardly ever do. So I am able to watch from a totally unbiased position, the follies and problems that people get involved with when they have too much to drink. I can remember my father telling me back in 1944 when I was a wee broth of a lad, “son, lay off the bottle, it won’t do you any good, stick to tyzer and coca cola and pepsi cola, seven up, orange juice, apple juice, grapefruit...” BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Well surely there were two colas. NP: No there was two juices. KW: There were two colas, he said coca cola and pepsi cola. NP: But they’re hyphenated! I’m trying to help you. KW: Oh really? Oh there were two juices I think. NP: That’s right, yes! KW: That’s it, that’s right, yes, that’s what I meant, yes, I was thinking, I was thinking of those answers myself. NP: Yeah there were two colas as well. Kenneth you have a point at last, and you have the subject and 31 seconds on drink starting now. KW: Well the drink that you must not take is when you’re dressing in a hurry. Arthur Murray was very eloquent on that subject as he said “never drink while you’re dressing in a hurry”. BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: He said never twice. KW: No, dressing in a hurry is the subject. NP: No it isn’t! Drink is the subject! He was trying to avoid repeating the word drink. Maybe you’d like to try and catch up. The subject before that, um, was magic, and we’re now on drink, and Peter Jones has the subject and 22 seconds left starting now. PJ: Drink is the solace of the rich, and the ruin of the working classes. Now that was said to me by a man who was really quite crocked at the time. And I don’t know what class he pretended to be coming from. But his name was er Joust and he wrote... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice challenged. TR: There was an er in there. NP: Yes there was, that definitely. PJ: There was an er in there. NP: A couple of ers, yes. PJ: There were yes, NP: That is er Joust, hesitation. So Tim, four seconds for you on drink starting now. TR: My favourite drink of all I think, is that lovely brown liquid entitled coffee... WHISTLE NP: So Tim Rice was then speaking as the whistle went, and he’s moved forward. He’s still two points behind our leader Peter Jones. Kenneth Williams in third place and Libby Purves yet to score, but she begins the next round. And Libby the subject is keeping cool. You’ve been demonstrating it perfectly up to now, would you go on it for 60 seconds if you can starting now. LIBBY PURVES: Keeping cool is very important when participating in such a programme as Just A Minute, and being beleaguered by the chairman, refusing your perfectly justifiable challenges. However the way in which keeping cool is maintained under these circumstances is simply to look at him and say “who does he think he is anyway?” Repeat this several times and you will find your cool... BUZZ NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well if you repeat it several times of course, you go out of the game! LP: I haven’t repeated it yet! NP: But um as she actually did repeat two words several times. I must give it to you Peter and 35 seconds on keeping cool starting now. PJ: The best thing is to adopt the yoga method, and sit on the floor, crossing your legs, and breathe deeply and quietly, in and then out. And this will make you feel a lot better, more at peace with the world and consequently cooler in the sense that you’re not excited or excitable. And... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves challenged. LP: There was a hesitation in the middle of excita-ble. PJ: No I don’t think it was a hesitation. LP: Kenneth agrees with me. PJ: Why would I, I knew how the word was going to finish, why would I hesitate in the middle of it? Except to give it a certain nuance which is my tot of hair. LP: Because you thought you were repeating yourself! PJ: No I didn’t! Of course I didn’t! LP: You had to put the ble on the end. NP: I’m just amazed. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Because I want to be kind to Libby Purves, and it was debatable, I will let the audience be the final judge. We haven’t done this for ages. You be the judge of whether that was hesitation or not. And if you agree with Libby’s challenge, you cheer for her. And you boo for Peter Jones if you disagree with the challenge. And you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It’s all the same, it was a draw wasn’t it. I would say the benefit of the doubt, we give it to Libby Purves, as she was our guest. So Libby you take over the subject of keeping cool and there are 14 seconds left starting now. LP: The extreme wisdom of our chairman in giving us the subject of keeping cool is clear to me when I remember our times in hot climates. What you must do is not to get hot, you must keep cool by... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of must. NP: Yes. LP: I did say it. NP: You must, you must I’m afraid. And three seconds, no, two seconds only Peter, on keeping cool starting now. PJ: Put your head on a bucket of ice and... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones, again speaking as the whistle went, increased his lead and he’s got a very commanding lead in this particular game of Just A Minute. And Peter will you begin the next round. The subject is takeaway meals. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. PJ: They’re a great boon to the host or hostess or person who doesn’t really want to cook or is busy. But I don’t really like those buns with minced up bits of old cow cooked inside. I think it’s a great pity that they don’t have more vegetarian takeaway meals. They do have roast potato but apart from that... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Two they do. Pity they don’t, and then they, two theys. NP: Do have, yes. KW: Quite. NP: Kenneth, 36 seconds are left for you to take over the subject of takeaway meals starting now. KW: Takeaway meals has nothing to do with what Peter Jones was just expounding... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves has challenged. LP: Deviation from grammar. He said “takeaway meals has nothing to do”, not “takeaway meals have nothing to do”. NP: Well Libby, we do, if because of the difficulties and pressures of keeping going in this game, if one becomes rather colloquial in one’s English and phraseology, we do let them... LP: Takeaway meals has nothing to do? That’s not even colloquial! NP: Well it may be bad grammar, but I think if we always challenged Kenneth on bad grammar, we’d never get going most of the time! So we let him get away with it, keep the subject, 32 seconds, starting now. KW: Like what I was saying earlier... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE BUZZ LP: Repetition! Repetition! He was saying it earlier! NP: Yeah but that’s, he didn’t repeat it. He’s got to actually repeat... BUZZ NP: Tim yes? TR: There was an enormous hesitation. He was so overcome... NP: When the audience laughs as that, I do think we allow a little bit of dramatic licence. KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! NP: So Kenneth still has the subject and there are 27 seconds on takeaway meals starting now. KW: Takeaway meals are those portions of food which people cry out to the waiter “take away!” They don’t want to eat it! And why don’t they? Because the woman who bought her food in, and had it taken to the kitchen and then served to her as a hot dog is rightly saying “I object because it is cruelty to animals”. And that is what most of this takeaway rubbish is. Cruelty to animals. I would... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice has challenged. Yeah, too much cruelty to the animals. TR: Yes. NP: Yes, six seconds on takeaway meals Tim starting now. TR: If you are... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Yes he didn’t get anyway. There were two seconds, I’m afraid Tim. Four seconds left for you on takeaway meals Peter starting now. PJ: Most takeaway meals should really be throwaway meals. They’re not worth eating... WHISTLE NP: And there goes the whistle again and Peter Jones was speaking. He has a lead of five points over Tim Rice, who has now been joined in second place by Kenneth Williams, and Libby is trailing just a little behind them. Tim begins the next round and the subject is putting on a show. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. TR: Putting on a show is an extremely difficult undertaking, which I do not recommend to anybody, least of all somebody who has ambitions to make a whole pile of money, ackers, boodle, lettuce, call it what you will. You almost certainly will fail in your target if you attempt to put on a show. I can say this from bitter experience. I can recall back in 1956 or possibly seven, when I was asked to put on a show at Lancing College which is a very wonderful establishment down in Sussex. The fees are quite reasonable still, well under 5000 pounds a year. And this particular show that I was asked to... BUZZ TR: Ahhh! NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he was hesitating a bit. TR: Yes I was, I’d lost my grip completely! NP: Yes I was surprised... PJ: Well I wouldn’t say that! NP: ... that nobody challenged him on deviation. PJ: I just thought he hesitated, he wasn’t having a nervous breakdown or anything! Just a bit of hesitation. NP: And even that would be not unusual in Just A Minute. Putting on a show with 23 seconds left starting now. PJ: In Hollywood musicals, people used to have a great deal of trouble doing this. Until somebody would suggest putting it on in the barn. And they’d get Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra to fly down to some obscure place in the country, and it would be a huge success, and be taken to Broadway, and the people would be stars overnight. This happened over and (laughs) more often... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Libby you managed to press your buzzer just before the whistle, and your challenge is over and pause for a word... LP: Hesitation. NP: So well done, got in with half a second to go, putting on a show starting now. LP: Let... WHISTLE NP: So Libby Purves speaking as the whistle went. And now she begins the next round. The subject Libby, is sharks. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now. LP: Of all the fish in the ocean, fish of the ocean, to ladies forbearing and mild, though his record be dark, is the man-eating shark, will eat neither woman nor child. This song sung by many generations of mothers to their babies and grown men to their sons has... spread a most... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice challenged. TR: I thought she was hesitating as badly as I was. NP: Yes. LP: I was floundering horribly. NP: You thought that, but I didn’t think that. So she keeps the subject... KW: Oh! SHOUTS OF “OH” FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Now let’s have a little chivalry. She’s trailing a little, she’s our guest, she hasn’t played it as often... KW: She didn’t show him any chivalry! And he’s out there! And he’s a guest too! NP: I know, but he’s been our guest more often. KW: You’re just trying to get round her! We know what you’re after! Oh! Yes! I caught you out last time you were on! NP: So we’re going to be generous to Libby on this one and say you have 41 seconds on sharks Libby starting now. LP: I was going to say that if a shark showed mercy, it would be a suspension of the laws of nature, and wondrous to behold. But now that I have seen compassion shown by our chairman towards a lady, I can believe anything! Even of sharks, even of griffins, even... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice has challenged. TR: A couple of evens. NP: Yes yes, I must this time say that... PJ: She actually repeated the repetition that time! NP: Mmmm I know she did. PJ: I just wondered whether you were counting! NP: No I’m not counting actually Peter. But Tim Rice you have the subject and there are 25 seconds on sharks starting now. TR: The shark has been described as the perfect eating machine, because that really is all it does. It grooves around the oceans of this world and... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: It must do something else or there wouldn’t still be sharks! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, LP, AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Well what we do on that occasion, we give Peter Jones a bonus point for a good challenge, because actually Tim wasn’t really deviating from the subject. So Tim you continue and there are 16 seconds left on sharks starting now. TR: Many very successful films have been made starring sharks, because dramatically they have colossal built-in natural tension. And you only have got to put in a huge pair of fangs, 80 feet high, across the screen, and you are going to... scare the pants off... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves challenged. LP: I think he hesitated before scare. But it might have been just fright. NP: He did, you were just right because we’ve only got one second to go on sharks. You’ve got in again just before the whistle starting now. LP: Americans often get sharks... WHISTLE NP: So we now have a situation where Libby Purves is now equal with Kenneth Williams in third place, only two behind Tim Rice, and he’s five behind our leader Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round. The subject Kenneth, frogs. Will you tell us something about those little spawned animals starting now. KW: They’re very popular in France, and people eat them. They don’t do it much in England, because to ask for a frog’s leg, is too mean, one of them’s got to be limping around the place, and you’re up against the RSPCA naturally! The other thing about frogs is we call them that when we’ve got one in our throat. We say “oh a frog’s in my throat!” Or... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice challenged. TR: Two throats. NP: Yes. Frog in my throat, 42 seconds for you Tim on frogs starting now. TR: Sometimes this word has been used to describe the actual inhabitants of France themselves. Which I find really rather unnecessarily cruel. Why should we call Frenchmen frogs? “I don’t know”, I hear you cry, as I don’t know either, I will... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves challenged. LP: Two don’t knows. NP: Yes, I don’t know either. And... hear me cry! I never said a word! Twenty-nine seconds Libby on frogs starting now. LP: It is very dangerous indeed to confuse a frog with a toad, because a frog is a wet animal, and slimy and green. Whereas a toad is wart... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of toad. NP: Yeah toad’s not on the card, frog is, I’m afraid Libby. So Peter you’re back in again, you’re talking on frogs now with 19 seconds starting now. PJ: One of the most unattractive things about them is that they eat each other. They are cannibals. And if you keep frog’s spawn in a jar long enough for it to develop legs. And then um... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves challenged. The idea of the spawn developing legs. I... PJ: Well yes, quite right. NP: Yes Libby, so you have six seconds on frogs starting now. LP: The toad... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: You rotten... PJ: She was slow off the mark! LP: I was breathing! PJ: Really? NP: Yes well, I gave it against our other guest Tim Rice when he paused for two seconds. So Libby I must do the same to you. You did wait for two seconds. So there are four seconds for you Peter on frogs starting now. PJ: Actually the legs is cooked with a little... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice challenged. TR: Didn’t Peter say legs before? NP: No, it was Kenneth Williams who talked about the legs. LP: No, he said spawn grew legs. NP: No, he talked about the... TR: Yes yes well done. LP: No, the spawn was growing legs. TR: Yes. KW: The audience are nodding, you see. PJ: No, I think the chairman’s got it quite right! I think he’s in... NP: I think the chairman’s got it quite wrong on this occasion! PJ: Oh all right! NP: So I will admit my mistakes when they occur. So Tim you have the subject with three seconds on frogs starting now. TR: I once had a pet frog and I was devoted to this animal. He was known... WHISTLE NP: So Tim Rice, our, one of our guests, is doing very well. He’s catching up on our leader Peter Jones. And Peter begins the next round. The subject Peter, is throwing custard pies. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: It’s a very overrated pastime, I think, and not very funny to watch. I... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves challenged. LP: That’s two verys, I think. Very overrated, and not very funny. NP: Very funny yes. PJ: Oh yes. NP: Two verys, yes, well listened Libby. And you have a point and the subject and there are 54 seconds, throwing custard pies starting now. LP: Peter Jones is entirely wrong about it being a pastime which is overrated. It is the most exciting and stimulating thing you can possibly do. Imagine us all sitting around here. Kenneth Williams, a pie, splat! Tim Rice... ah... BUZZ NP: Oh you can only have one splat! So you couldn’t think of another one. So Peter Jones got in then and Peter, hesitation, yes. Forty, 38 seconds, throwing custard pies starting now. PJ: The custard is actually not made with milk and eggs as one would suppose. But usually it is shaving cream, which is very unpleasant to taste, if you’re on the receiving end of the pie that is being thrown by some other alleged comedian at you, in order to make people amused and ah excited... BUZZ NP: Libby Purves challenged. LP: He wasn’t excited enough. NP: He certainly wasn’t, he was very, I think you actually saved him really, he was very um... PJ: Yes it wasn’t much fun! NP: It wasn’t one of your more inspired moments, was it Peter. PJ: No. NP: Libby you’ve got another point and the subject back and 17 seconds, throwing custard pies starting now. LP: And so the pie leaves my hand once more, Tim Rice, blick! Peter Jones receives the next one which is full of shaving cream, flavoured with pepper, blat! And then the chairman... BUZZ NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of blat! NP: Yes! LP: It was... NP: You had splat the first time. LP: It was splat and then it was blat! NP: Yes. LP: These are two entirely different words... PJ: There were three altogether! LP: ... as Kenneth will agree. NP: Ah but you repeated the blat, you see. You should have had a different sound for when you hit Peter. So Peter Jones got in with three seconds to go on throwing custard pies starting now. PJ: I threw one on television once... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice. TR: Repetition of threw. As opposed to throw on the card. NP: Yes you did say threw before. PJ: Did I? When? NP: I don’t know! But ah... PJ: I didn’t say threw! Absolute rubbish! He’s inventing it! He’s relying on your... TR: Actually, I was, do you know, Mister Chairman, I was trying to cheat. I admit it! I’m sorry. LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: Gosh! What an appalling advertisement... KW: There has never been such a confession on this programme! Ever! He’s made history! PJ: And particularly, particularly as he’s identified himself as an old pupil of Lancing College! NP: Yes! PJ: What a shocking advertisement! NP: Yes! Where the fees are still quite reasonable, he tells us! PJ: They’ll go down after this! NP: Well ah Peter, there’s one second to go, it’s the last round. You’re way out in the lead. Shall I give it to Tim Rice so that he can finish the show because you’re going to win anyway. PJ: Yes, give him a second, see what he can do with it! NP: So one second, because you’ve been so honest Tim, would you tell us about throwing custard pies starting now. SILENCE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Well blow your whistle now, Leonie! WHISTLE NP: And I will have to admit that I was cheating now, then, because I stopped Leonie blowing the whistle to see what Tim would do. And he just paused, and nobody challenged. So he still finished up with a point. Let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams finished in fourth place, only a few points behind Libby Purves, who came halfway through from nowhere to finish in a strong third place, just behind Tim Rice. But they were way behind this week’s winner, Peter Jones. We hope that you’ve enjoyed Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again, same time next week, when we take to the air and we play this delightful and sometimes impossible game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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