JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JJunkin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 November 1983)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and John Junkin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from our announcer, we have three of our regular players of the game, and we welcome back after an absence of a number of weeks, John Junkin, to play Just A Minute. As usual they will try and talk if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. Let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is paradise. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Ancient historians would say that Bahrain in the Persian, or now Arabian, Gulf, is the most probable site for paradise. It certainly was the home of the ancient Dilman civilisation, which spoke a Somarian tongue of great antiquity. And there are signs amongst the coastal areas of a former great lushness of vegetation. In fact underneath the date palm grove, you can find remains of a wonderfully verdant jardan, and that could have been paradise. We tend to think probably of paradise as heaven today, something we would seldom find on this Earth. And so we look forward to the afterlife. My fatherís house has many...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Well verily, I donít!

DN: Well the sort of life you live...

CF: I do think itís a bit much to expect this audience to look forward to the afterlife.

NP: I donít think he was asking them to.

CF: Yes he was.

NP: He was just stating that there are people who believe that paradise is the afterlife, and they look forward to it.

CF: They donít look forward to it!

NP: Derek would you like to drag on this subject a little longer? It is paradise and there are seven seconds left starting now.

DN: My idea of paradise is a place without Nicholas Parsons, where I can live in happiness and contentment for the rest of my life...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo started with the subject, he finished with the subject. And when the whistle goes, that tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. So Derek Nimmo has two, and is in the lead. Clement Freud would you take the next subject which is the goose. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: There are many continental countries today which use the goose the way we use the watchmen or guards. And I suppose the great advantage of it is that when the goose does, you can eat him, which youíre not supposed to do with those human beings who look after your security. A very sensible way of preparing a goose for the table is to pluck it, him, her, depending on the gender of the animal...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JOHN JUNKIN: Deviation, itís not an animal, itís a bird.

NP: Oh dear, itís a bird...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: You should have got him on deviation for sex, because he said ďthe goose depending on his or herĒ whereas the gander is the male. The goose can only be, can only be female. You should have got him on that!

JJ: You...

KW: You were a fool! You let him off...

JJ: You took the words out of my mouth, Kenneth!

NP: The goose is an animal, Iím, Iím, Iím sure...

KW: Nobody denies that! We all know that the goose is an animal, you great fool!

NP: Well John Junkin challenged because he said it wasnít an animal! It was a bird.

KW: What a load of rubbish! Of course the goose is an animal!

NP: So Clement I disagree with the challenge, another point to you, and 28 seconds, the goose starting now.

CF: In the Falkland Islands, we actually employ under the Department of the Environment, a goose ecologist, whose job it is to look after that species, and ensure its well-being throughout the long winter months which... are...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think that was hesitation Clement. And there are 13 seconds on the goose Derek starting now.

DN: Of course to goose someone is the most tremendous fun, isnít it? You get your hand, you go whoo-whoo like that, and they leap up in the air. And you can go behind unsuspecting old ladies in dark alleys and give them a quick goose, and they donít know whatís happened. They think theyíre...

WHISTLE

NP: I think theyíd have a pretty good idea whatís happened to them actually. Derek youíve increased your lead at the end of that round...

DN: Pity, pity I didnít get round to your wife! Iíd have got round to your wife if Iíd had a bit longer.

NP: Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject is the Eiffel Tower. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: In a delightful film called When The Heartís Young And Gay, the Eiffel Tower was featured. Where these two young girls went to the top, and then the doors were locked, they couldnít get out, and threw various items of clothing to attract peopleís attention. And it was very funny indeed. Because this tower, the Eiffel, was designed by a man called Gustav Alexander Eiffel. And it was built in 1897, would you believe, and wasnít completed until two years later. It goes up for one thousand and 10 feet. Most of the time people measure it in metres. But I find that very misleading...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of young.

DN: Young?

NP: Young?

CF: In the film When We Were Young And Gay, and these two young women.

NP: I see.

CF: It was a long time ago.

NP: Weíre going right back to there.

CF: I thought Iíd let him go, I thought Iíd let him go on a bit! Because itís not really a subject I want to talk about a lot!

NP: Heís nonplussed and overwhelmed by the whole thing. But it is a correct challenge, those are the rules, Iím afraid Kenneth. Ten seconds for Clement, Eiffel Tower starting now.

CF: Unlike the Tower of Pisa which leans quite noticeably, Eiffel...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, weíre not discussing the Tower of Pisa, weíre discussing the Eiffel Tower! And I was doing it very competently before you allowed me to be interrupted! And I think itís a disgrace! And this audience, you will see, is thoroughly agreeing with me!

NP: Oh Iím sure theyíd agree with you, especially in your present mood! Theyíd be frightened not to! Clement Freud has a point and there are five seconds on the Eiffel Tower starting now.

CF: It is one of the great French tourist attractions, and people from all over the continent...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, gained that all-important extra point, heís equal now with Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth Williams and John Junkin are trailing. A little, in fact theyíve yet to score. But Derek Nimmo, itís your turn to begin, the subject is canals. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: Iíve always been terribly interested, really, in canals, since I went to Amsterdam as a small boy, and had a wonderful holiday on the Prinzinheim. And as I travel throughout the world, I try to find new canals to examine. One of the systems of canals that Iíve learnt... oh...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

DN: Yes.

NP: I would agree.

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: So you have um 43 seconds on canals starting now.

JJ: It is with profound regret that I have to announce the fact that my knowledge of canals is minimal. I am aware that there is a Manchester Ship Canal, which I presume must be somewhere near that town. And there is also a Grand Union Canal. In Aylesbury which is the market town and the county town of Buckinghamshire where I was evacuated...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of town.

NP: Yes, county town and market town. Sorry John, 24 seconds are left for you Clement on canals starting now.

CF: During the war, I worked on the Grand Union Canal, doing the most useful war occupation in which...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin.

JJ: Repetition of war.

NP: No.

JJ: During the war.

DN: War occupation.

JJ: During the war, war occupation.

NP: Thatís right.

CF: Absolutely right.

NP: Ah 16 seconds on canals with you John starting now.

JJ: Canals are artificial waterways unlike rivers which are natural and have a source going down usually to the sea...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation, heís now talking about rivers, not canals.

JJ: I said unlike.

NP: Unlike, no, you were making a comparison John, you keep the subject, seven seconds starting now.

JJ: The Panama and Suez Canals are probably two of the most famous of these edifices in the world...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: You canít have, a canal cannot be an edifice.

NP: An edifice must go up, I think.

JJ: If you stand on the bottom of a canal, and look to either side, it will go up.

NP: No, they dig it down.

JJ: They dig it down, if you stand at the bottom, you look up.

DN: Goodness gracious!

NP: Theyíll say anything to get a point! And you can make an argument any way round. But I donít think it would be accurate to allow it. Half a second with Derek starting now.

DN: The clongs of Bangkok...

WHISTLE

JJ: Oh yes! Oh yes!

NP: It was a good point John, but I didnít think I could allow it. But you have gained some points. Derekís taken the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud. And John Junkin your turn to begin, the subject Jack Horner. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

JJ: Jack Horner, the subject of a childhood nursery rhyme, sat, we are told, in the corner. On what he placed his posterior history does not record, but Jack Horner did that er same thing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I think so Derek.

JJ: Thank you, quite right.

NP: Forty-four seconds are left for Jack Horner with you starting now.

DN: Croft and Horner, Smith and Finn, when the Abbots went out, he came in. Because whilst the historical figure of Jack Horner was a man who owned a number of abbeys, sent them to the King, the title deeds to them in a pie, and he put in his thumb and he pulled out the choicest one which was an abbey of Mells in which the family of Horner still live to this very day. Isnít that a fascinating thing? You say this little rhyme,
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He put in his thumb
And pulled...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of pie and repetition of thumb.

NP: Yes.

DN: Absolutely.

NP: Absolutely yes. Fifteen and a half seconds are left with you John, on Jack Horner starting now.

JJ: Historically Jack Horner did exist. But as far as the children of the world are concerned, he is merely a fictional character in a nursery rhyme...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Children of China have never heard of him!

DN: How do you know the people of China...

JJ: Name four who have never heard him.

DN: I can remember being in Las Vegas a couple of years ago, and there were some South American children in the swimming pool at Caesarís Palace singing ring-a-ring-a-roses, a pocket full of posies. And there was a little rhyme composed during the Great Plague in England, and being sung by South American children in Las Vegas. No, I think youíre absolutely right.

JJ: Thank you Derek.

DN: Children of the world.

NP: Maybe Gladys...

JJ: Thank you.

NP: Thank you Derek for making the point for me. I mean for all we know Gladys Hill may have taught it to the Chinese children over there. So John, we disagree with the challenge, six seconds are left on Jack Horner starting now.

JJ: What has not so far been stated is that Jack Hornerís recorded words on producing said plum from said pie...

WHISTLE

NP: So John Junkin kept going with that subject, gained a number of points including one for speaking as the whistle went, heís only one point behind Clement Freud, two behind our leader Derek Nimmo, and quite a few ahead of Kenneth Williams. Clement, the subject for you is pets that should not be kept in a flat. Would you tell us something on that long subject starting now.

CF: I donít live in a flat, but I believe the pets that should not be kept therein are boa constrictors, vipers, leopards, tigers, elephants, rhinoceri and especially giraffes, who may need a maisonette unless the flat has exceedingly high ceilings. Goldfish!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. One thing that could stay I suppose. There are 38 seconds Derek, pets that should not be kept in a flat, starting now.

DN: Well one of the flats that Iíve always wanted to keep in my flat is called a Penthouse Pet. But my wife has never really quite approved of the idea, so she has always chucked them out. Instead she has tended to have geese. Isnít it funny, why sheís so fond of goosing, or rather the bird that I mentioned the first time. This is a load of rubbish, why doesnít somebody challenge me?

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

DN: Itís potty! We sit here, year after year, talking absolute rubbish about things we know nothing about!

KW: Deviation! Deviation!

DN: Why should, how...

KW: I donít talk a lot of rubbish! I talk absolute common sense! And people are longing, longing to hear me! But no, I canít get a word in, because youíre going blithering on, and then saying itís a load of rubbish!

NP: I quite agree Kenneth! I hope you feel better!

KW: Yes!

NP: Good! And you may speak rubbish Derek, but the audience enjoy it. And John Junkin had a correct challenge and he has 21 seconds on pets that should not be kept in a flat John starting now.

JJ: It is the considered opinion of many veterinarian surgeons that no pets...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: You canít be a veterinarian surgeon, you can be a veterinary surgeon or you can be a veterinarian. Thatís deviation.

JJ: Veterinarians, comma, surgeon. Do I have to put all the punctuation in as well?

NP: I think when you have got to keep going under the pressure...

DN: I heard the comma here!

JJ: I like your work Derek!

NP: Yes! And you are our guest John, so 18 seconds on pets that should not be kept in a flat starting now.

JJ: It is the considered opinion of veterinary...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: The second considered opinion.

NP: It was the second.

JJ: Yes but in a separate, a separate entity, I was reiterating my...

NP: No, you were still, you were...

CF: Iíd like, Iíd like Kenneth Williams to have the subject.

NP: Yes all right, thatís very generous of you Clement. And Kenneth has the subject of pets that should not be kept in a flat, 14 and a half seconds starting now.

KW: The hippopotamus springs to mind, as being totally unsuitable. Because inside the hide of hippopotamuses, theyíre very much the same as uses...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hippopotami, deviation.

NP: Yes it is hippopotami, but if you want to be correct. But Iíve known some people talk about hippopotamuses and er Kenneth Williams is one of those people. And so he keeps the subject and he has six seconds left starting now.

KW: Also platypuses, they should never be kept in the flat, because the duckbilled...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: I donít think anybody could call a platypus a pet.

NP: He said they should...

DN: You called boa constrictors pets!

CF: I have a son who has a pet boa constrictor. If you have a son who has a pet platypus...

DN: These are, these are pets you should not have in a flat.

NP: Nobody challenged you on giraffes and rhinoceri and elephants...

CF: They should have done!

NP: I know they should have.

CF: The fact that theyíre not very smart doesnít disqualify me from getting points!

NP: But you see, Kenneth is very smart and you wanted him to have the subject. So I think itís very generous of you...

CF: I want it back now! Heís had his subject.

NP: All right, two seconds to go, do we give it back to him, Kenneth? Yes! And you continue Clement starting now.

CF: White mice are bad...

WHISTLE


NP: Well Iíll say this. Clement is a most sporting player of the game. He got it back with two seconds to go, so heís now taken the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo, who won when they were all, this particular four were together some weeks back. And um Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is spring. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: The best mattress you can get has what is called a box spring. Now then I went to one of these men that specialises in advice on posture while in repose. What a dissertation I was treated to. Because he pointed out to me, you see, that so many people are suffering from back trouble, since they are not supported in the way they should be, when they are asleep at night, and dreaming, in the arms of Morpheus, oh it makes me quite thrilled when I hear that line. So the springs in your bed should be examined very thoroughly, preferably by an expert bedding man and then...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: And preferably when youíre not in it!

KW: Well I mean, I wouldnít mind!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Depends on what kind of bedding man, wouldnít it. Yes. Um itís an incorrect challenge, letís give Clement a bonus point for a good challenge which we enjoyed. A point to Kenneth for a wrong challenge and he keeps the subject, 13 seconds, spring starting now.

KW: One thinks of the burgeoning...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Thinks, repeat of thinks. One thinks...

NP: Yes you did say one thinks before, the whole phrase was repeated. So Iím afraid Derek Nimmoís correct challenge, 10 and a half seconds, spring Derek starting now.

DN: Well my most favourite springs in the whole wide world is Alice Springs in the Northern Territory of Australia. Gosh Iíve been there some five times now. Every time I arrive on...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, it isnít in the Northern Territory.

DN: It is in the Northern Territory.

CF: Itís in the Central Territory.

DN: No thereís no such thing as the Central Territory.

NP: Heís right you know.

CF: Why donít we ask the audience?

DN: No, itís a geographical fact!

CF: They look very knowledgeable!

DN: Think of the six states.

NP: Thereís no area called the Central Territory.

DN: Tasmania, thereís Western Australia, thereís Southern Australia, thereís New South Wales, Victoria, Queensland and...

NP: Tasmania...

DN: ... the Northern Territory which is administered by the central government and is not self-governing as the others are. It is in the Northern Territory, you got from Adelaide, you stop at a place called Fink, would you believe, and then you arrive at Alice Springs. You go north from Alice Springs, you go to Tenant Creek, thatís still in the Northern Territory. And eventually you arrive at Darwin which theyíve happily now rebuilt. So shut up!

NP: You probably realise by now that Derek Nimmo has challenged a bit. Derek an incorrect challenge, half a second, spring starting now.

DN: Dale...

WHISTLE

NP: Well now Derek Nimmo has taken the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud. And John Junkinís trailing a little, and Kenneth more than somewhat. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject is things I want to do in aeroplanes.

DN: I want...

NP: A devious subject, well, it depends on your mind I suppose. You start now.

DN: The thing I most want to do when Iím in an aeroplane is to land. Because it does give one a feeling of reassurance that you are going to touch terra firma once more. I remember when I first started to fly myself, when I had just got my licence, I flew from a place called Tullamarine out into the, well...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree John. There are 44 seconds on things I want to do in aeroplanes starting now.

JJ: One of the things...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: Hesitation! Took him ages to begin!

JJ: I always have to apologise for breathing when Iím on this programme!

NP: Kenneth I would give you the benefit of the doubt...

KW: Thank you very much! Well now the things I want...

NP: No, wait a minute! Forty-two seconds on things I want to do in aeroplanes starting now.

KW: I have always wanted to go up in the Concorde. And nobodyís offered me, what I would call an honorary or gratis ticket. Now I should be given one of these, because I have waxed eloquent on the subject, a beautiful plane and the magnificence of the design. Can you envisage anything more graceful than that lovely creation touching down in America because it still does fly there. Unfortunately of course the European routes have been greatly restricted because people...

BUZZ

NP: And John Junkin challenged.

JJ: I would like to challenge on the grounds of deviation, in that he has given us a long talk on, and inaccurate talk on Concorde, and not mentioned any of the things that he would like to do on an aeroplane. Which is the subject.

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: Absolutely...

KW: What you want to do, I said is to fly in Concorde. Thatís what I want to do, thatís what I said.

JJ: But you canít fly in an aeroplane...

KW: You canít do what you do in an aeroplane, than if you were in Concorde.

JJ: You canít fly in an aeroplane, in an aeroplane!

NP: I, I recognise your challenge John, but I do think he was keeping on the subject of things he wants to do in an aeroplane. And I felt he was...

JJ: He wants to fly in Concorde. He canít get on an aeroplane and fly in Concorde!

KW: The thing is to fly in Concorde, you great fool! Itís one of the things I want to do! In an aeroplane, you great nit! Oh itís ridiculous! I mean why engage these people if theyíre non compos mentis? Just get on and give it to me!

NP: Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because I think John did have a good point...

KW: Oh hurry up! For goodness sake, you great...

JJ: Go off it! Go off it! Give it to me!

NP: Twelve seconds starting now.

KW: I would like to have a parachute on me and then...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Thatís not in an aeroplane.

NP: Well you couldnít, you wouldnít...

KW: Of course you could have a parachute on you in an aeroplane, you fool!

NP: You put your parachute on you in the aeroplane, you donít put it on you as youíre going down! So he had his parachute in Concorde, he was on the European route, and he has eight seconds starting now.

KW: Then I press the button on the ejector seat, so the exhaust of the aeroplane catches the...

BUZZ

NP: Yes and quite right John, absolutely right, he wouldnít have exhaust from the Concorde, but heís still up there, carry on Kenneth starting now.

KW: And I am shoved into these various air...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams came in on that subject and he only had one point when he started, and he now has nine! And heís equal with John Junkin and only two behind Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. And this time it is John Junkin to begin. John the subject is drink, can you talk on that subject starting now.

JJ: Drink is something to which I have been driven, most frequently in my life by appearances on this particular game! It is a hobby or pastime to some people, to other people it is an illness. To some it is an aversion. However the different kinds of drink can affect other people in other ways...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so, Clement you have the subject...

JJ: Thank you Clement, I was talking right down a blind alley there.

NP: ... there are 40 seconds to go on the subject of drink starting now.

CF: Beer is generally accepted to be our national drink, and also that of the Germans and the Americans. But there are parts of the country in which the drink is cider, and an excellent beverage that is. As well as having an enormous profitability because of the tax differences which the Chancellor of the Exchequer in his wisdom saw fit to bestow upon it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: This has become a party political broadcast, we;re supposed to be talking about drink.

NP: Oh no, I donít think it was any particular party politics came into that comment. Because everybody drinks and therefore Clement I disagree with the challenge, you keep the subject, seven seconds left starting now.

CF: In Switzerland they give you something called bluevine which is pretty disgusting and often sweet. But as you get it after youíve been...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud gained a number of points in that round and he has now taken the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Clement itís also your turn to begin, the subject is getting into bed. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Getting into bed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: Yes Iíd agree with that yes.

KW: Very long pause, very long time.

NP: He hardly got started at all. Two seconds and not an utterance.

KW: What, whatís the subject?

NP: Getting into bed.

KW: Oh thank you.

NP: Fifty-eight seconds starting now.

KW: Getting into bed has to be a little tricky for me, Iíll tell you for why. I have got this trouble which is in my bones you see. And I was warned to go in on the side and then inch my way round because you see the stomach tends to go round to the side. So if Iím not very careful...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Apart from being incapable of standing much more of this macabre word picture, the word round was repeated twice.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so. There are 31 seconds on getting into bed starting now.

JJ: Getting into bed is something which I do with great pleasure even if it is my own! I always choose this insane way by very carefully lowering the top sheet, blanket and bed cover, then putting one foot gently, gingerly on the bottom sheet, and testing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of sheet.

NP: There are nine seconds for getting into bed with you Derek starting now.

DN: I once went to the most beautiful bed that Iíve ever seen in the whole of my life. It was situated outside Kuala Lumpur and belonged to a Princess...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point. And has not only brought the round to an end, but also the show to and end. And I will now give you the final score. They all four scored a great number of points. John Junkin our guest again finished up in fourth place, only two points behind Kenneth Williams who was in third place. He was only two points behind Derek Nimmo who was in second place. And he also was only two points behind this weekís winner, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed the game and wherever you listen, and however you listen, you will want to tune in when we take to the air and play this game once again. Till then, good-bye from us all!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.