NOTE: Bernard Cribbins's first appearance.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Sheila Hancock and Bernard Cribbins in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panellists if they can talk for just one minute on the subject that I will give them without hesitating, without repeating themselves and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And of course according to how well they do they will gain those points. And they will do their best no doubt as before to bend those rules and I will do my very difficult best to try and interpret the rules and according to how much we achieve we hope to entertain you.

DEREK NIMMO: Well thatís the first five minutes gone anyway!

BERNARD CRIBBINS: Is he, is he wearing a wig?

NP: Thatís right! Itís all happening!Before we even got the first subject out! So let us start the contest this week with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth, the subject which I donít think Ian Messiterís... I hope Ian hasnít thought of this deliberately for you. The subject is fools. But as we all enjoy playing the fool on Just A Minute, Kenneth can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well Nathaniel Noblock found his way into the thesaurus largely as a result of the famous expression "I do not suffer fools gladly". Probably it is his only claim to fame. Shakespeare on the other hand used fools with tremendous effect in many of his plays, and doubtless had them in mind when he said "let your clowns speak no more than is set down for them, for there be some that will laugh as set on some barren quantity of spectators to laugh also, though in the meantime some necessary picture...


NP: Er Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of laugh.

NP: Of what?

SH: Laugh.

NP: Of laugh, yes, you did. You repeated so many words there we couldnít... And as this is radio I must explain to our listeners that Kenneth is putting on his extremely hurt look. Not his hurt one, his extremely hurt one. And there are 29 seconds for you Sheila having got a correct challenge and a point for that to take over the subject of fools starting now.

SH: Only fools would repeat words on this game! Because thereby you lose a point and give the thing to another person...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well deviation, Iím not a fool and I constantly repeat things.

NP: What am I, how am I supposed to interpret that, Derek? If I say that Sheilaís right...

DN: With the judgement of Solomon!

NP: Sheila has a point for an incorrect challenge, keeps the subject and anothepoint to her and there are 22 seconds left for her starting now.

SH: I always feel that itís very unjust that the fools parts in Shakespeare are played by men, because they are some of the best. For instance, I would love to play Jaquiz but I...


NP: Derek Nimmo...

DN: Repetition of play.

NP: Yes you did repeat the word play...

DN: And therefore sheís a fool!

NP: So Derekís got his own back there! There are 11 seconds left for you Derek with the subject of fools starting now.

DN: Fools rush in where angels fear...


NP: Bernard Cribbins has challenged.

BC: No I just wondered if Kenneth would like a mint?

KW: Thank you! Very kind!

BC: Pleasure! Have one on me!

KW: Thank you very much!

BC: Well, that was all! Because Iím new and trying to curry favour.... or curry flavour.

NP: Bernard Cribbins who does so many commercials on television was trying to do one on the radio! He succeeded in entertaining the audience but giving Dero Nimmick... Dero Nimmick? Derek Nimmo a point in the process...

BC: Oh I didnít realise that!

NP: Yes Iím afraid if you interrupt somebody they get a point, you see....

BC: Oh good! Fine! Youíre next Kenneth!

NP: So Derek you have eight seconds left for fools starting now.

DN: As a unanimously voted fool I must advise what I do every day. I get up in the morning and I put on my little pixie hat, rush down to the bottom of the garden and play with the fairies. I do a lot...


NP: Bernard Cribbins has challenged....

BC: Pixies donít wear hats, they wear hoods!

NP: Oh yes a little pixie...

DN: Pixie hat!

BC: Pixie hood!

NP: Yes a pixie wears a hood. Thatís a very clever challenge!

SH: No way...

NP: Bernard Cribbins is going to have a chance. Thereís one half second left in this till the 60 seconds are up Bernard and you have the subject of fools starting now.

BC: During the war...



NP: Well done! I must be absolutely fair! Sheila Hancock did challenge during the half second. What was your challenge?

SH: I thought I was going to get him on hesitation but...

NP: Yes you were.... no Im sorry, you were wrong, there was no hesitation so he has two points...

BC: Thank you very much!

NP: And because also Bernard does get an extra point because the person who speaks when the whistle goes and tells us that 60 seconds are up gets that extra point. It was you Bernard on this occasion, so at the end of the first round, the first time youíve played Just A Minute, you are in a commanding lead.

BC: Am I?

NP: Yes!

BC: Good!

NP: And Derek Nimmo...

BC: Iíll go off now!

NP: ... will you take the second subject which is steam rollers. There is Just A Minute starting now.

DN: The first time I saw a steam roller it was coming down a country road. And driving it was an elderly gentleman wearing a pixie hood. And I looked at him and I said "gosh, what a foolish thing to do!" And he said "you know itís very warm when youíre driving once of these tix foot tick... I canít even say it!


NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes right. Steam rollers Sheila, you have a point for a correct challenge, there are 45 seconds left starting now.

SH: There are certain people who are rather like steam rollers. who barge their way through life, and...


NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: I was just going to suggest Nicholas Parsons! You know, just giving an illustration. People would like to know, you know!

NP: Derek Nimmoís lost another point and Sheila keeps the subject of steam rollers and there are oh dear 38 seconds left Sheila starting now.

SH: Insisting that pixies wear hoods rather than hats and similar things! Also I have seen many steam rollers in my life that have rather alarmed me! The size of them, the proportion, the fear that one might come out like Popeye does in those films, flattened and rolled up like a carpet. Iím now moving into the realms of fantasy of course! But I canít...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well sheís not talking about steam rollers, sheís moved into the realms of fantasy. Deviation.

NP: But if you stick to the subject of steam rollers and move into the realms of fantasy youíre not deviating from the subject on the card, are you? Sheila still keeps the subject with another point and 14 and a half seconds left starting now.

SH: Their actual function of course is to flatten...


NP: Derek?

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes you did say of course before.

SH: Oh yes.

NP: ... Iím afraid Sheila. There are 13 seconds, no 12 seconds left on steam rollers with you Derek starting now.

DN: As Sheila quite rightly pointed out it has really passed into the vernacular. You can steam roll your way through something today. Typical was a man with an intellectual bent, he said "I am, you are...


NP: Well on this occasion when the whistle went telling us that 60 seconds were up, Derek Nimmo was speaking. He gained the extra point. He is at the end of that round one point behind Sheila who is in the lead, Bernard Cribbins is in third place and Kenneth is in fourth place, yet to score. Bernard Cribbins will you begin the next round. The subject, apt for you Iím sure, fishing. Iím sure you can tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

BC: My favourite form of angling which is another word for fishing is not trawling with a great net behind a boat but actually to go out with a fly rod, and take a fly line, possibly a number 6 or number...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Two flies.

NP: There were two flies Iím afraid. There are some whoíll say...

KW: Flyrod!

BC: Fly rod and fly line!

NP: But itís still...

DN: And you already had earlier flies.

BC: Oh Iím fed up with this game! I canít even say a word! Iím going to go over there and smack you in the chest in a minute!

NP: And youíll discover from that challenge, that there are no flies on Derek Nimmo!

BC: Absolutely!

NP: Forty-six seconds Derek...

BC: He wears a kilt!

NP: The subject is, the subject is fishing starting now.

DN: There are various kinds as he so rightly put. But I am not going there, thatís really rather boring. The most interesting thing out of fishing has always been the...


SH: Oh! No, no, no. Interest. He said interesting and interested, Iím sorry.

NP: Yes but Iím afraid he gets another point....

SH: Oh I keep giving people points. Iím a little out of practice!

NP: Thirty-nine seconds fishing Derek starting now.

DN: The eminent divine who was not only a great fisher of men but also actually discovered bottled beer. It so happened in this little local parish and left by the side of the stream a bottle of ale...


NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Bottle. He said bottle twice.

NP: Yes Iím afraid he did.

DN: Yes. I did

NP: Iím right, of course he did. Iím exactly right. So Sheila Hancock now has the subject of fishing with 27 seconds left starting now.

SH: I really know very little about this. One...


NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Well if she knows very little about it, why doesnít she shut her row up?

SH: Oh dear!

KW: Well let me have a go! I havenít been able to get a word in for ages, have I Bernard?

BC: Quite true!

KW: Iím being treated here like a load of rubbish! I came all the way from Great Portland Street to be treated like this!

BC: And he walked! And he walked!

KW: All dressed up in my best...

NP: So whatís your challenge?

KW: Deviation! We donít want to hear about her not knowing about something! Sheís supposed to be speaking on the subject.

NP: Well actually she hasnít deviated strictly speaking in the game.

BC: Hesitation I would say there, wouldnít you?

KW: Yes! Definitely!

NP: Yes...

KW: Definitely!

NP: Well all I can do unless Sheila wants to be generous and give it to you, I ...

SH: Yes, go on, give it to him!

BC: Sheís fed up with this, knowing nothing about it!

NP: Your friendship... Sheila Hancock who is in the lead has magnanimously said you can have the subject. But Sheila will get the point because thatís only fair. And the subject is fishing Kenneth and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: Iím glad youíve given me this subject, because before the show began...


NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: He didnít, you didnít give it to him. He stole it!

NP: No I did ask Sheila and Sheila very generously gave it to him, so there was no stealing there. so you have another point for a wrong challenge and there are 23 seconds on fishing starting now.

KW: When I landed a rainbow trout I once said to a friend nearby, "do you not see the hues, all of them, incredibly reflected in my own hair?" Now Iím not one to fish for compliments. I wasnít in actual fact...


NP: Bernard Cribbins challenged.

BC: I just wondered why he was holding a trout above his head? Just a question, itís not really a hesitation or anything.

NP: So Kenneth Williams with a rainbow trout above his head and 10 seconds left on fishing starting now.

KW: It was a very different kettle of fish from the one in which I usually find myself, ie dilemna. And itís incredible that we often say itís a fishy subject when we mean...


NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point. In fact he gained other points in that round and he is now still in fourth place. Heís one point behind Bernard, he is four points behind Derek Nimmo, and five behind our leader Sheila Hancock who will begin the next round. Sheila the subject is sex equality.

SH: Oh dear! I shall get done for this! Oh God! This will give Kenneth an opportunity to insult me!

NP: Right! Well keep going for 60 seconds and he wonít have that chance. You start now.

SH: I consider myself to be very privilleged to be alive today where we have made so much progress in the equality of the sexes. And because of that reason, Iím happy to have two daughters. A more exciting period to be alive there couldnít be! Because I think one of the most hopwful things for the future of mankind is that everybody should be equal. And that womenís...


NP: Kenneth Williams?

SH: Here we go! Here we go!

KW: Deviation, I mean! Deviation! Itís patently obvious to anyone that could look around any street where they are standing or any house where they are sitting that everybody is not equal! So to talk about everybody being is absolute rubbish! I mean itís a logical impossibility!

NP: Kenneth has got a legitimate challenge within the context of the game. So I have to give him a point and ask him to take over the subject...

KW: Quite right! Quite right!

NP: ... of sex equality with 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: In fact my taking over the subject demonstrates the obvious superiority of the males....


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Not at all. It demonstrates that you are a sneaky, nasty, ill mannered little man!

KW: This girl is mad about me! Seriously! Things have gone on between us in dressing rooms that would embarrass you to hear!

BC: Oh go on!

KW: I can assure you sheís putting it all on! Sheís pitting it all on! It all hides an enormous surging amount of affection!

NP: She also had a correct challenge.

KW: What?

NP: She also had a correct challenge. And Sheila there are 30 seconds for sex equality with you starting now.

SH: Nothing could be better in a marriage for instance, than that everybody should have equal shares including the children. I think there should be an allocation of labour...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of children. Youíve already got two, youíve added some more!

SH: Oh the time before yes.

NP: When?

SH: When I was speaking about the children...

NP: Oh thatís right! Yes of course! Twenty-two seconds are left Derek for sex equality starting now.

DN: One thing that fascinates me about women who talk about sex equality. What they really want is to be members of the great professions like lawyers and doctors and stockbrokers and things. Nobody wants to be a coal miner. When it comes to sex equality they...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Absolutely untrue!

DN: You want to be a coal miner?

SH: No I donít want to be a coal miner! But itís, thatís not what sex equality is about! Itís not about wanting to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever.

DN: That was my opinion, what I, how I understood it.

NP: He wasnít deviating from the subject so he keeps it and there are 11 seconds left starting now.

DN: Fe-male equality...


NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is right.

SH: Fe-male. He canít even say the words!

NP: Eight seconds for you Sheila, sex equality starting now.

SH: For instance in my family, my husband has...


NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of family.

NP: Yes you mentioned family before.

SH: Oh!

NP: Sorry!

SH: Youíll never know now what my husband is better at doing!

NP: Thereís one thing we know he must be! Derek Nimmo, six seconds left, starting now.

DN: Sheila Hancock is a feminine chauvinist sow! And as I learned....


NP: Pity you didnít challenge before the whistle went!

SH: How could they clap him! Being so terribly insulting! What a nasty audience!

NP: No they were clapping, they were clapping in sympathy!

SH: What a singularly unattractive audience!

NP: No! Listen they were clapping... I took that applause to be sympathy for you!

SH: Did you?

NP: Yes I think they were resenting Derekís remarks, werenít you?

SH: Oh?


BC: Oh no you werenít!


NP: So see how this... I might tell you that....

DN: Itís all falling apart!

NP: I must say...

SH: Theyíre picking on me!

BC: Have a mint!

NP: Let us continue with the contest...

DN: I wish heíd actually give us one of these mints!

SH: Yes! Where are they!

BC: Iíve only got four left! Iím not going to pass them around! An audience of 8000 here, I canít pass them around everybody! Can I Kenneth?

KW: Thatís right!

NP: Righto! There we are! So there we are this is televisual radio where you canít smell the mints and you canít see them sucking them either. And Kenneth Williams itís your turn to begin. The subject that Ian Messiter has brought along for you is Erasmus Darwin. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Erasmus Darwin was born in Newark. But he spent a lot of time in Lichfield. And of course a contemporary of his in that same town it was, the worthy, the great Doctor Johnson. They didnít actually get on and on one notable occasion when he remarked "do you not consider that life is often boring?" the reply was "yes, especially if one is sititng next to you!" One...


NP: Bernard Cribbins has challenged.

BC: Took the words out of my mouth!

NP: Give him another mint to make up for your insult!

BC: Sorry Ken!

NP: A wrong challenge, and you still have Erasmus Darwin and Bernard Cribbins beside you and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: Then many people say of course that the theory of natural evolution and the what-do-you-call-it business?


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Well you shouldnít hesitate when you call it, whatever you call it.

NP: No you did hesitate because..

KW: Yes because I was about to repeat the origin of the species, you see, because Charles Darwin you recall, who was his grandson...

NP: Well she may not know that! Donít give her the information!

KW: ... and actually put in to words many of the things that Erasmus was the precursor of...

NP: Sheís got to talk on the subject now!

KW: You see what I mean? Thatís what Iím getting at!

NP: Yes! Well there is Erasmus Darwin is the subject, itís with you Sheila and there are 28 seconds left, starting now.

SH: Iím very glad youíve said that Kenneth! Because I was about to make a berk of myself and say that Erasmus Darwin was the one that evolved the origin of the species. But I...

KW: You wouldnít have been far wrong. He did actually do quite a lot towards it...

NP: Someone challenge quickly!

SH: But Iím bouncing back...


NP: Kenneth you challenged then?

KW: No I was helping her out!

NP: What?

KW: I was helping her out.

NP: So what was your challenge Derek?

DN: Well it was hesitation. She stopped and then had a sort of chat with...

KW: No I was helping her out! No I was helping her out! Because I mean with knowing that the male is superior, you always, you should always come to the help of the weaker sex! And I could see that she was struggling!

NP: But the best way to do that in Just A Minute is to challenge and you get a point for it, and you take over the subject. On this occasion Derek Nimmo did it, heís now got the subject...

KW: Ah!

NP: And there are 15 seconds left, Erasmus Darwin, starting now.

DN: One wonders how excited the old boy must have been, Erasmus, when his son married Josiah Wedgewoodís daughter, went down to Staffordshire and met Enoch Woods, surely the greatest potter of the age, bringing over wonderful figures from year to year...


NP: Well once again Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, heís got another point for that, he;s increased his lead, heís on 13, two ahead of Sheila Hancock, quite a few ahead of Kenneth Williams who has now moved into third place, one ahead of Bernard Cribbins. And Derek your turn to begin. The subject is farce. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute, starting now.

DN: Farce. This is a particular kind of theatrical entertainment which was due only really. I suppose it came into being right back with Cloutis and Perhams who constructed curiously beautifully wonderful farcical pieces. But when we talk about it today, we often think, I do anyway, of the great Baldwich farces. People like Robertson hair, Raif Lynn, Tom Walls, performing for 13 years at that lovely theatre which now houses the Stratford-on-Avon company. Farce, rookery nook, brings tears of anticipation to anyone who ever read them. And dear old Bunny, that;s the gentleman with the bald head but I canít mention the name twice for it would be repetition. And he told me one day when the great master of that particular company shoved him on stage with the racing results written on his head on matinees. Funny thing to do wasnít it? Why was it done? Why would they...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation. Hesitation.

NP: We were enjoying it so much!

SH: Yes!

BC: Very good!

DN: My mouth was open but there was nothing happening!

NP: Yes! You get suspicious when nothing happens donít you?

DN: You do!

BC: Itís all true of course!

NP: So Sheila you challenged and you were correct and there are 5 seconds left on farce starting now.

SH: I think one of the secrets of playing farce is that it has to be done absolutely seriously.


NP: And at the end of that round Sheila is now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo and theyíre both quite a few points ahead of Bernard Cribbins and Kenneth Williams. And Bernard your turn to begin, the subject tree felling. You look like a good tree feller, tree felling feller! Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

BC: A thing you should get first of all is a chainsaw. Now these come in various sizes. You get different lengths of them you see, depending on the size of the tree you want to cut down. And when youíve got your saw you then go off into the woods...


NP: And Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of saw.

NP: Yes you sawed more than once Iím afraid.

BC: Chains... well Iíve got to saw... oh!

NP: It is difficult isnít it...

BC: No itís not difficult, Iíll get it next time!

NP: Right, 38 seconds Sheila on tree felling starting now.

SH: This is something that I find very awe inspiring. Where I live in the country thereís a lot of it going on at the moment and I find thereís nothing more moving than seeing...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of find. I find it awe inspiring and I find...

NP: Yes, Iím afraid thatís right. There are 28 seconds with you Derek on tree felling starting now.

DN: Out I go into the forest!

SH: Oh dear!

DN: In my tree hat and I stand back! Have you looked at the giant conifer? Move back 15 paces and they rush back...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two backs.

SH: Yes!

NP: Yes! Anyway I donít believe you do that! Do you really believe he goes out into the forest...

SH: No!

NP: ... and looks back....

SH: Have you noticed heís always got a hat on? I put on my little pixie hat and I put on my little hat!

NP: And nobody challenges this...

BC: Heís quite right, pixie hat!

NP: Pixie hood! Right! There are 20 and one half seconds for tree felling with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The most notable example of course was George Washington who chopped down his cherry tree. Well it wasnít his actually! It belonged to his old man! And apparently he had to go and make amends, atoned you see, by saying "look I have done this thing, I do feel rotten". And thus absolved himself from guilt. Or should we say not absolved...


NP: So Sheila and Derek are still equal in the lead, Kennethís catching up but heís still a long way to go. Bernard Cribbins will you begin the next round. The subject, sporting women.

SH: Oh good lord!

NP: Sixty seconds for you Bernard on sporting women starting now.

BC: Well Iíve never actually sported a woman because I wouldnít know how to begin! But some of them are extremely good fisher folk. Now for instance, on the north east coast of Scotland.... How long did you say Iíve got?


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Iíd say that was a hesitation.

NP: He didnít hesitate. He turned to me and said how long did you say Iíve got?

SH: Deviation!

DN: Deviation, yeah.

NP: Ah itís too late! Your first challenge was hesitation.

BC: Thank you!

NP: So Bernard still keeps the subject and he has another point. And there are 22 seconds left...

IAN MESSITER: Forty-two.

NP: Forty-two seconds left...

BC: You said two in the first place! Otherwise Iíd never have started!

NP: I still have to subtract from 60 when I give the time.

BC: Righto!

NP: The BBC havenít been able to afford a backward working clock yet! Sporting women is the subject, 42 seconds, starting now.

BC: There are a very hardy race of fisher ladies who go out...


NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Fisher ladies.

NP: Fisher ladies...

BC: Fisher folk, fisher ladies.

DN: Two fishers! Fisher, fisher!

NP: Yes are you challenging on... oh well Iíve got to give him on fisher I suppose! There are 37 seconds on...

BC: Different spelling!

NP: ...on sporting women, Derek, 37 seconds, starting now.

DN: Sporting women is a very interesting subject. How long have I got?


NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Yes deviation. He said how long have I got.

NP: What one did you say? Deviation?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Of course yes, he didnít hesitate but...

KW: No but he deviated totally from the subject!

NP: Absolutely correct. There are 32 seconds left for you Derek, sorry Kenneth, on sporting women, starting now.

KW: Well Veordina Pedorvnik who threw that enormous discus. I mean I was staggered when I saw it.


NP: Bernard Cribbins challenged.

BC: Iíd just like to hear him say that again!

KW: Veordina Pedorvnik.

BC: Thank you.

KW: She threw this discus and it came...

NP: And what are you challenging him for Bernard?

BC: Eh?

NP: What are you challenging him for?

BC: I didnít quite understand what he was saying! I donít speak that language! So therefore itís a deviation! From English!

NP: So ... no, no, he wasnít deviating. So there are 36 seconds on sporting women left.

KW: There are hundreds of very fine athletes from that part of the world. In fact the Euro Mountains blowing all that fresh air right across the continent gives them all that extra whoof, or shall we say....


KW: Iím you know, I meant wind! I meant wind but I didnít want it to be taken the wrong way!

NP: Sheila you challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitationís right. And there are 11 seconds on sporting women with you starting now.

SH: Any woman that agrees to appear on this panel of Just A Minute has to be pretty sporting to put up with the insults and vilification and pinching of bottoms that goes on...


NP: So with Sheila telling us about potential bottom pinching in Just A Minute, we come to the end of the round and the end of the contest. And as you probably guessed it was an unusual result. Bernard Cribbins our guest who came only just in fourth place behind Kenneth Williams who was catching up rapidly on our two leaders who were fighting neck and neck all the way until Sheila got one ahead of Derek Nimmo so Derek was second and our winner is Sheila Hancock. So we do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again. Until then from all of us here goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.