JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PMoore
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PATRICK MOORE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 February 1978)

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Patrick Moore in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panellists to speak if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them without hesitating, without deviating from the subject and without repeating themselves. And of course as usual they will try and bend the rules and I will try and see if I can interpret them. And that way we will have some fun and score some points. And weíre going to start the contest with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is superstition. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: There are many kinds of superstitions. It seems to be a natural trend within most of mankind. All the time new ones are invented. For instance during the Boer War the superstition of lighting three cigarettes was, became avoided because...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PATRICK MOORE: Iím trying hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Patrick, I would agree with that. So you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 48 seconds left, the subject...

PM: I am not personally very superstitious. Of course naturally...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He started before you told him to!

NP: Well I donít think thatís deviation within the game. And also he is a guest, he doesnít play as regularly as you do Clement. So I think weíll give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him to continue with superstition. There are 46 seconds left starting now.

PM: Ignoring that interruption which I take very badly indeed, once again, I will not repeat myself, Iím not allowed to do this. But of course when one is discussing superstition...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Two nots. I will not repeat myself, Iím not allowed to do this.

NP: Oooh yes!

PM: Very nasty! Very nasty but I am bound to agree!

NP: That was just what I was going to say Patrick, especially for a guest...

PM: Yes!

NP: .. but there we are, a correct challenge, you get a point Kenneth, and 37 seconds on superstition with you starting now.

KW: They are of course a load of rubbish! I have frequently had black cats come on my lap and other places. I have gone under ladders. Nothing adverse has occurred! I have never heard...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: I have three times. Repetition.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did say I have about three times/

KW: Ooohh! Thatís very keen of you! Yes! Very good ears!

NP: So Derek you got a point for a correct challenge, 18 seconds left, superstition, starting now.

DN: On the board of Little Whittleton, near Gloucestershire...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Deviation. Little Whittleton is not near Gloucestershire!

NP: No itís...

PM: Itís found in Durham!

NP: Well it doesnít matter, it couldnít be near Gloucestershire...

DN: Heís up like mad!

NP: Patrick Moore you have 16 seconds to take over the subject of superstition starting now.

PM: Superstitions date back for many years. They return to the time of the ancient Greeks who were of course...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Superstitions canít return to anything! They may well derive from something but they...

NP: No they can derive...

KW: ... canít go back!

NP: ... from the time of the ancient Greeks perhaps. All right Kenneth, youíve got 10 seconds, superstition, starting now.

KW: I should have had this subject in the first place and it should have stayed with me because I am an authority....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two shoulds.

NP: Two shoulds! Oh they are tough today! Weíve only just started! Kenneth.... Clement you have a correct challenge, five seconds on superstition Clement starting now.

CF: If you walk on the second Tuesday in February down Piccadilly in the....

WHISTLE

NP: Well the whistle that Ian Messiter blows so magnificently for us tells us that 60 seconds is up and when that happens whoever is speaking gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud. Theyíve all scored points in that round but you might be delighted and interested to hear that Kenneth Williams has scored most and heís in the lead at the end of the first round. Kenneth do you wish to go somewhere? Heís um, youíre looking a bit agitated.

KW: No, no, no, I should ahve gone before I came actually!

NP: All right so Kenneth will you begin the next round. Itís a lovely subject. Itís making the best of bathtime.

KW: Oh!

NP: There are 60 seconds for you to take over that subject, sorry, start on that subject beginning now.

KW: Making the best of bathtime I suppose, means that you do in this period of ablutions, something other than simply abluting. I frequently sing and can be heard carolling away in my dulcet tones! And the neighbours often remark "what a lovely treble canto you make!" And I said joyfully in reply "I am delighted that I brought such joy into your drab, mundane and dreary lives! Would that all be as lovely sounding as myself! But alas! Such gifts have not been bestowed by nature upon us all! And those that have to tread a dreary path of dark, benighted droopiness can never be saved to enjoy the sort of notoriety which I have achieved....

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams started with the subject and finished with it! That hasnít happened for quite a long time!

KW: I knew it was a conspiracy! They were all saying donít challenge him, let him go on!

NP: Well obviously once you imagine youíre in your bath, youíre in your element, youíve no audience and youíre...

KW: Yes I am in my element because I am Pisces and of course bath is water you see!

NP: Yes! I see! You get two points, one for not being interrupted and one for speaking as the whistle went. Patrick Moore, the next subject is Beckelin Lloyd Bauer. Will you please talk about him in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

PM: Beckelin Lloyd Bauer. In fact this is something of a misconception owing to the fact that they are not two people. In fact they are three. The object does in fact lie inside that gaseous cloud known to everybody, even those who are ill informed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Iím ill informed. Itís not known to me!

NP: Yeah well I think that is a good challenge. You said known to everyone and I mean Clement Freud established quite clearly that itís not known to him and there are a few things not known to Clement...

PM: I donít believe that of course!

NP: Ah well I think, I think, within the rules of the game, itís a correct challenge. There are 44 seconds for Beckelin Lloyd Bauer with you Clement starting now.

CF: Iím so amazingly ill informed I donít even know what Beckelin Lloyd Bauer means and will talk instead on mixed bathing in the Antipodes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

PM: Deviation, he said quite clearly heís going to talk on something else!

NP: Yes so he was deviating from the subject and you have a correct challenge. So you take back the subject with 36 seconds left starting now.

PM: Beckelin is a German astronomer. A very nice man. I have known him intimately for a great many years...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: If heís known him intimately itís deviation!

CF: That is definitely deviation!

NP: If he has known him as intimately as that, it must be deviation, but he was not deviating from the subject on the card. And he has 31 seconds to continue starting now.

PM: He is, I may say, one of the pioneers in modern theoretical astrophysics. Some time ago he went to a conference in Paris, and arriving in that delightful French city, he realised that the meeting to which he had been so carefully invited was in fact nothing whatsoever to do with the subject of the Beckelin Lloyd Bauer theory. Now this... obviously..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree with that Derek. So you have 11 seconds to talk about Beckelin Lloyd Bauer starting now.

DN: This is the typical way that astronomers want to justify their existence on this earth. Other people if they wanted to name something would call it the Jubilee Star. Haleyís Comet is a typical case...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore challenged you.

PM: Haleyís Comet is not Haleyís Comet at all. Itís Halleyís Comet. And it has nothing whatever to do with Beckelin Lloyd Bauer. Therefore I claim deviation.

NP: No I donít think so Patrick because he can still mention Haleyís Comet. He can still pronounce it incorrectly but he can still apply to the subject of Beckelin Lloyd Bauer if he...

PM: He hadnít done so!

NP: ... even though, even though, well you hadnít given him a chance...

DN: Iíd only gone three seconds, you great nana!

NP: You only gave him half a second actually. Derek that was another wrong challenge which is giving you a lot of points and half a second left on Beckelin Lloyd Bauer starting now.

DN: Stars in the night sky...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Derek Nimmo and Patrick Moore both gained a lot of points, theyíre now both equal in the lead, one point ahead of Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud is in fourth place, an unusual position for him. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is eliminating paperwork. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: Eliminating paperwork is something that most people are now very keen... on...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: I think Iíd claim hesitation there.

NP: Yes I think so, I think so, yes. Keen... on.

CF: Keen on!

NP: Rather a keen challenge though so early in the round. There are 54 seconds for eliminating paperwork starting now.

BUZZ

PM: To eliminate...

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Appalling hesitation!

NP: I would say an appalling challenge! Fifty-four and a half seconds with you Patrick eliminating paperwork starting now.

PM: It seems to have gone up by half a second but never mind! To eliminate...

BUZZ

NP: Sorry, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation. Nothing to do with eliminating paperwork.

NP: Absolutely nothing to do with eliminating paperwork! I did make a mistake Patrick! But Clement Freud has a correct challenge. There were 53 and a half, youíre quite right. There are now 50 and one half seconds with you Clement starting now.

CF: Instead of paperwork what people now have are memory banks. They have computers of some kind or another, which is given information, which is retained therein, almost forever or certainly until a button is pressed, eradicating such news as might have been fed into the damn machine. On a Tuesday afternoon in August I personally eliminated paperwork by setting fire to my desk in my office. And very many police were called on to the scene...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of very.

NP: You must...

CF: Of what?

NP: Of very, you must have listened extremely carefully because the audience were chuckling at Kenneth Williamsí antics in response to...

DN: Iím sorry. Is that a new rule? Arenít we supposed to listen carefully?

NP: No, no, no, no....

DN: Iím sorry!

NP: Oh you are a wicked...

DN: I wonít listen! I wonít listen! I wonít!

NP: Derek...

DN: Iíll put my button away!

NP: Donít be so difficult! I was just about to give you a point for well listening. Because the audience were chuckling so loudly it was difficult to hear...

CF: I couldnít hear what I was saying!

KW: "Iím just about to give you a point for well listening!" What on earth is that? Artesian overhearing? Well listening! You mean listening well, donít you, dearie? Heís an ignorant fool, innee! I mean to say! Give me a point for well listening! He means people who stand around wells listening I suppose! Imagine!

BUZZ

PM: At this stage I claim that all three of my competitors have deviated grossly!

NP: Youíre absolutely right and they have been very rude to me as well. If you make a mistake I donít draw the audienceís attention to it and go on forever about it Kenneth. Shut your trap please! Derek you had a correct challenge on the very and you have 18 seconds on eliminating paperwork starting now.

DN: (At breakneck virtually unintellkigible speed) So I went into the piles, those lovely weeds that you get from the mile and I plonked them down and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. I cannot understand a word the last speaker is saying! And I reserve the right to ensure... thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, yes thank you! I reserve the right to ensure the British public gets clear diction! They have every right to it! They expect it and I uphold the cause of clear diction! My dictionís always been commended. People have said my...

NP: Listen...

KW: Eh?

NP: Whatís your challenge?

KW: I donít know now!

NP: So we enjoyed what you said Kenneth. Derek keeps the subject, 14 and a half seconds, eliminating paperwork, starting now.

DN: If you buy yourself a tape recorder and use the machine frequently, or use a telephone, youíll find...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Use twice.

NP: Two uses Iím afraid. Clement, correct challenge, eight seconds left for eliminating paperwork starting now.

CF: Perhaps my favourite way of eliminating paperwork is simply not to answer letters which is a very dangerous thing to do, especially in my profession...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud got the point for speaking when the whistle went. And in descending order with one point roughly separating them all itís Derek Nimmo, Patrick Moore, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams.

CF: Oh!

NP: Oh!

KW: What a shame!

NP: Derek will you begin the next round please. The perfect murder. Will you tell us something about that in... Donít look at me please! I donít think he wants to murder me yet! Derek, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: The perfect murder must be when you get two doctors to sign a death certificate, put the corpse into a wooden box, let it slide away at the crematorium to be... engulfed with flames...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Iím afraid that stumble was a hesitation Derek. So Clement you have um 48 seconds, the perfect murder, starting now.

CF: In litreature the perfect murder is one in which the author leaves no innuendo unturned...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: You canít turn an innuendo.

NP: I think thatís a perfectly legitimate challenge...

CF: Can we have a vote on this?

NP: No! There are 43 seconds for the perfect murder, Patrick, starting now.

PM: The perfect murder has yet to be committed. This in a way...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Well Iím sure it has been committed, yes!

CF: It could happen any moment now!

PM: I was about to come to that!

NP: Forty seconds Derek, the perfect murder starting now.

DN: Many people consider that Maundy Gregory conducted the most perfect murder of this present century. He was a man who used to sell honours. Fifty thousand pounds for a peerage, 10 similar for a knighthood, and so on. But what he did, he found this dear old lady who became perhaps in her dotage his mistress. And after his mysterious death, a body was put into Bisham churchyard, just below the left...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Hesitation.

DN: No, no, hardly any!

CF: Hardly any at all!

PM: Hardly any but just enough!

CF: No, no!

NP: Well all right you all three think it was hardly any so I donít count it. There are 14 seconds, the perfect murder, starting now.

DN: So that each day the tide would rise above this wooden box and therefore the poison that was inside the corpse would be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Weíve had wooden before.

NP: Yes you did, youíre quite right. And the perfect murder is back with you Clement and there are seven seconds starting now.

CF: Creeping into the coal cellar with a hatchet and a sharp knife...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud eased forward a little into second place behind Derek Nimmo, Patrick Mooreís still in third place and Kenneth is in the other place. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin. Itís rather a strange subject that Ian Messiterís thought of you for this time. Itís Hitlerís big mistake. So will you tell us something about that idea in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: A lot of people have said it was starting the Russian offensive. But on the contrary! Hitlerís biggest mistake was changing his name from Shickelgruber and leaving house painting! He was a bit slapdash we know! And people complained! But with the advent of the non-drip paint he could have had another go! Give him a chance, they should have said! But no! He goes into politics, and what happens? Well it is disaster! Itís the one sphere in which he is ill at ease...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A lot of "he is"ís are going on.

NP: A lot of he isís Iím afraid, yes. Iím afraid there was a repetition of that. So Derek has the subject and there are 19 seconds on Hitlerís big mistake Derek starting now.

DN: Hitlerís greatest mistake was to, not to attack...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I will grant that hesitation...

KW: Well deserved! Iím glad you won that Clement!

NP: Sixteen seconds on Hitlerís big mistake starting now.

CF: It seems to me that Hitlerís biggest mistake was going into the bunker 20 years too late! Otherwise life would have been very much easier for all the people of Western Europe. If only 1929 had been the date of descent then there would...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah well at the end of that round we have an interesting situation. Two of our regulars, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are now equal in the lead, Patrick Moore not far behind and Kenneth a little further. Patrick will you begin the next round. The subject is being in the chorus. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: I have been in the chorus myself on a number of occasions. Once I remember with Morecambe and Wise. This was a most interesting experience. I enjoyed it thoroughly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Iím sure Morecambe and Wise werenít in the chorus! Deviation. Theyíre principal players!

PM: Iím not sure so Iíll give Derek the benefit of the doubt. Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt.

NP: No I donít think, I think Derekís challenge...

PM: No Iíll stand down. Mind you... No, itís all right. I think itís a dirty trick really but still Iím only a guest on this programme, so Iíll stand down...

NP: No I donít think... You canít get the benefit of the doubt on a dirty trick. And heís got it. Thereís 52 seconds Derek on being in the chorus starting now.

DN: Oh how I would have loved to have been a Cochrane young lady. If only I had been born of another sex, I would have starred with Anna Neagle, leapt around with Billy Hay and seen Jessie Matthews in the full flower of her exquisite youth. Unluckily I was born too late...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: Repetition of born.

NP: Oh yes you were born earlier on when you were talking about it. Early enough to do it. Thirty-four seconds are left, Patrick, being in the chorus, starting now.

PM: I would have liked to have been in the chorus of a Greek tragedy...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Iím sorry I was wrong because I was going to say he said he was in the chorus and now he says he would have liked to have been! Which seems to contradict it. But then he went on to say it was a Greek tragedy so weíre assuming of course that that wouldnít be the one that included Morecambe and Wise! I therefore reluctantly have to withdraw my challenge and admit that I made a fool of myself!

PM: Your apology is accepted, I think that is very noble of you.

NP: Yes but you also get a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 28 seconds on being in the chorus Patrick starting now.

PM: The historians of old who wrote these magnificent chorus plays were nameless in some respects. Others are well... tainted even though...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that hesitation. Twenty seconds are now left for being in the chorus with you Derek starting now.

DN: Two of the names that I would suggest to Mr Patrick Moore were Ploutus and Terence who wrote extraordinarily well constructed comedies in ancient Greece some many years ago. But being in the chorus to me sums up the bluebells, those people in Las Vegas. Great dancing lines, covered in feathers, bangles and beads. How I wish tomorrow I could fly across the desert...

WHISTLE

NP: he nearly stumbled at the last second but he kept going! Derek the subject is being found out. Would you talk on that in 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DN: It really is awfully nasty when youíre found out, isnít it? You have done such careful preparation to avoid the thing happening to you. Youíve laid cabbage trees on the grass. Youíve covered them with weed killer and paperwork, and all kinds of different manure, both liquid and solid. And suddenly somebody wanders and stumbles upon it and lands absolutely right in it up to the... And then sometimes you do get what is known as found out. And it does give you a tremendous sensation I find difficult to explive but then when it happens...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I would like to know what explives means!

DN: So would I! Iím so sorry! Itís awful when you find yourself talking absolute rubbish about something you know nothing about! You donít know how youíre going to end the sentence!

NP: No well done Derek. If you canít end on a word you used before you try and combine, create a new one! Bad luck! Well done Kenneth! You have 27 seconds for being found out starting now.

KW: It occurred when I was in a play and came to a scene in which I hat not frankly done my homework and I was found out because I didnít know the lines that I should have been saying. Consequently I ab-libbed. Now what I should have said was "I am not moved by action and victory!" Now I couldnít think what that line was you see...

BUZZ

NP: Iím sorry. The time up has come but we want to hear the rest of the story.

KW: Well I just couldnít think what the line was, so I just had a go and I said "what about the viction and actuary?" And they said "oh yes!"

WHISTLE

NP: Just before you got...

CF: Itís just as well you didnít stop him now!

NP: Just before we got the payoff of the story the time up came. I asked Ian not to blow his whistle so we could hear the payoff. But then Patrick challenged which was after the time. Kenneth has a point for speaking when the whistle went and heís increased his position in fourth place. Kenneth the subject is my sensations so will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: My sensations are enormously heightened when salivation occurs and the result is sicative to say the least. In extremely cold weather Iím covered in these appalling goose pimples and have been likened, this skin, to the surface of a porcupine. They are very acute in the taste buds. Youíve only to give me a Viennese pastry and everything starts to go. My adrenalin is within, all round the system and I can hardly contain myself! Iíve been known to drool, people have said hello, youíre drooling...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

KW: People say "once heís had Viennese pastry, heís gone", which is true...

NP: No Patrick you challenged.

PM: Yes I challenged, is drool and drooling repetition.

NP: No you see if you challenge and give it away he gets another point so he said drool and drooling. So Kenneth you had an incorrect challenge, another point, youíre creeping up. I donít think you have much hope but carry on! There are 15 seconds left starting now.

KW: I would like to tell you all that I am a blood donor and they frequently shove needles in my arms to test the blood before they actually take...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Blood.

NP: Yes Iím afraid...

KW: Yes you shouldnít have interrupted because the blood, being a blood donor you see! Itís a cause we should all advance!

CF: Blood donor is hyphenated.

NP: No Clem... your friend has come to your help beside you there.

KW: Oh what did you say Clem?

NP: Well blood donor, you see, hyphenated.

KW: Oh thatís true, yes. A blood donor is a hyphenation, isnít it! Itís the same as drool and drooling.

NP: No drool and droolingís two different words. So Kenneth you keep going and there are eight seconds on my sensations starting now.

KW: Well I come out of there feeling as though Iím in the arms of a vampire! A pint less in my system and of course Iím...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of system.

NP: Yes you did mention your system before. As much as we like to hear about your system, you have...

KW: Well Iím trying to keep it regular you see!

NP: Well youíve done magnificently and Clementís come in just before the end with one second to go on my sensations starting now.

CF: My sensation is Kenneth Williams!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute so let me give you now the final score. Kenneth Williams who did so magnificently there on that last round, telling us all about his sensations, he came from absolutely nowhere to finish in fourth place! Which isnít really fair, itís probably my little way of getting back at Kenneth because he did actually come within one point of Patrick Moore who is our guest and didnít quite catch up with our two leaders. And Clement coming in just very cleverly at the last second there managed to make sure that he got one point ahead of Derek Nimmo in second place and make him our winner this week, Clement Freud. So we have to say goodbye. I have to say... well I donít have to say it, but I do hope that youíve enjoyed the programme and will want to tune in again. Until then from all of us here playing this delightful game, byebye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC