JAM:PJones,WRichard,LSmith,PAyres
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PETER JONES, WENDY RICHARD, LINDA SMITH and PAM AYRES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (TV, 6 May 1999)

NOTE: Pam Ayres's last television appearance.


THEME MUSIC

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, this excting,demanding and sometimes outrageous game in which I ask four guests to speak on a subject I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Let us now meet the four talented performers who are going to play the show today. And we welcome back two old favourites of Just A Minute, Wendy Richard and beside her the lovely Peter Jones. And on my left that very talented wordsmith Pam Ayres, and beside her that talented comedienne Linda Smith. Please welcome all four of them. And they are going to display their verbal ingenuity and dexterity on a subject I give them and they will win or maybe lose points as we keep going. Wendy Richard begin the show today. Mumbo jumbo is the subject. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

WENDY RICHARD: A lot of people think the scripts we have to work with in television are mumbo jumbo and I must say I fully agree with most of them! On this programme you have to talk mumbo jumbo but you have to keep the mumbo jumbo going for 60 seconds. Sometimes I find this easier than at other times. Mumbo jumbo is the speciality...

BUZZ

NP: Pam you challenged.

PAM AYRES: I think that Wendy said times twice.

NP: She did say times twice.

PA: I believe so.

NP: That was a repetition...

PA: Sorry about that Wendy.

WR: Thatís all right.

NP: Youíve no need to apologise, thatís pa of the game!

WR: Look! If she wants to apologise to me, let her! Itís a matter between each other! Itís nothing to do with you Nicholas!

PA: Iíve been well brought up and polished Nicholas!

NP: Yes! And Wendy sometimes is so warm and generous and flattering. And other times, well Pauline bursts out doesnít she? Right that was a correct challenge so Pam Ayres gets a point for a correct challenge...

PA: Oh thank you!

NP: She takes over the subject which is mumbo jumbo and she has 43 seconds to take it over starting now.

PA: At home I have a large stuffed legless unicorn bought from a radio station in Brighton for 13 pounds...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well she stumbled which I think could be interpreted as a hesitation.

NP: Yes it is interpreted as a hesitation Peter...

PA: Oh damn!

NP: So Peter Jones has a correct challenge, he gets a point for it, takes over the subject, itís mumbo jumbo and there are 32 seconds left Peter starting now.

PJ: Itís really the language of bureaucrats in Whitehall though it is often imitated by businessmen who send out circulars to shareholders and others instructing them what to do if and when. And itís terribly boring to try and interpret or make English out of it. I wouldnít er really...

BUZZ

NP: Pam you listened well.

PA: Hesitation.

NP: That was hesitation. Another point to Pam Ayres and the subject back with her, and 13 seconds, mumbo jumbo starting now.

PA: The particular animal which I was describing previously is a unicorn, and itís gold...

BUZZ

PA: Oh damn!

WR: You said unicorn before!

NP: You got out of it by saying the creature I described earlier and than you mentioned the creature! Oh itís a frustrating game! But Wendy got in first, seven seconds on repetition, a point to you Wendy...

WR: Itís not on repetition, itís on mumbo jumbo.

NP: I know! I gave you a point for repetition, you have the subject of mumbo jumbo, you have seven seconds starting now.

WR: Iím very good at talking mumbo jumbo. I spend most of my life speaking mumbo jumbo, especially on this programme...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle blows gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Wendy Richard so sheís in the lead alongside Pam Ayres at the end of the round. And they can repeat the subject on the card but not too often! Wendy Richard started, Peter Jones, you take the next round. Hitch-hiking. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well itís a means of getting from one place to another without really exerting yourself all that much. Itís wearing on the thumb and the forearm sometimes if youíre trying to point the way. But itís easier if you have a piece of card. The... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Pam you got in first, yes, hesitation. So you take the subject of hitch-hiking, 46 seconds starting now.

PA: Some years ago while desperately strapped for cash, I sent away for a booklet which instructed a person in the art of writing romantic fiction. I had decided to prostitute my talent by writing such material. And one of the things which it made clear at the outset...

BUZZ

NP: Peter youíve challenged.

PJ: Yes I did. Deviation.

NP: Deviation, yes. It was a long time, youíd been going for quite a while and never mentioned anything about hitch-hiking.

PA: I was coming to it though Nicholas...

NP: I know...

PA: I was getting there!

NP: I know but you didnít get there quick enough for Just A Minute.

PA: Okay Iím sorry.

NP: No donít apologise because thatís part of the fun of the game. Peter a correct challenge I grant you for that, and you have a point of course for that. And you take over the subject which is hitch-hiking and 27 seconds available starting now.

PJ: Get a piece of cardboard as the kind of... oh well...

BUZZ

NP: So frustrating! Who buzzed first? I didnít watch! Whose light came on?

PA: I fear it was me!

NP: Was it you Pam?

PA: I think it was!

NP: You were trying to save him from something worse werenít you. Yes! Was it hesitation?

PA: Oh yes hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation! Right! Twenty-two seconds, hitch-hiking is with you Pam starting now.

PA: The book of instructions which I purchased explained that in most romantic novels the commencement was that a womanís car had broken down at the roadside and she...

BUZZ

WR: Youíre still deviating you know dear! And I think youíve mentioned book...

PA: Well she was just going to start! She was just going to stand out there like this (waves her thumb in hitch-hiker style) I was embellishing it...

WR: If youíre going to write a book like that, they would have lost interest by the time we got to the chapter where she stood there with her thumb up!

NP: I think if you havenít played as often as the others, you do get to the subject a little more rapidly than that! Within a second yeah.

PA: Right.

NP: So Wendy I agree with the challenge of deviation and you have 10 seconds to tell us something about hitch-hiking starting now.

WR: I personally have never been hitch-hiking. I think it is a rather dangerous occupation and not one I would recommend to young ladies, especially those younger than I...

WHISTLE

NP: Wendy Richard was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, and sheís equal in the lead now with Pam Ayres. Peter Jones follows and then itís Linda Smith. And Pam Ayres your turn to begin. The subject, nightmares. I think youíve had a few of those in your time from what Iím told of your private conversations! Tell us something about, tell us something about nightmares in this game starting now.

PA: It is normal for most people to have occasional nightmares. And itís only when they become too frequent that assistance should be sought. Sometimes it is a symptom of a personís tension and anxiety and it comes through in the form of nightmares. But other causes can be at the root of the matter. For instance, if you have eaten too much for your supper that evening or indeed have drunk too much. I myself the other day...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of too much.

NP: There was too much...

PA: Oh thank you!

NP: Of the food and drink yes.

PA: Oh okay.

NP: Donít mean okay! Donít worry! You did very well, went for a long time and in fact you went for 36 seconds. No 26 seconds Iím so sorry, my arithmeticís going. But Peter you have 34 seconds in which to take over the subject of nightmares having got another point, and you start now.

PJ: Most actors experience nightmares. And it involves being on the stage and not knowing a line of what youíre supposed to say. Or even perhaps the name of the play in which youíre appearing. Or the channel show, I mean channel, whatever it is...

BUZZ

NP: Linda Smith?

LINDA SMITH: Just a general bit of confusion.

NP: I know he was definitely confused there. So we interpret that as hesitation. So Linda, a correct challenge to you, a point of course, and there are 19 seconds, nightmares, starting now.

LS: Nightmares can be terrifying things! You wake up in a cold sweat! Your duvetís all over the auction, and the pillowís soaking and you just donít know what has been happening to you and then you...

BUZZ

NP: Peter?

PJ: I wasnít quite clear... Did she say all over the auction?

NP: She did say all over the auction, I donít know what she was talking about.

PJ: Do you sleep at Sothebys?

LS: Donít you?

NP: They let it go for so long. That was just a slip of the tongue but she kept going...

LS: Well it wasnít a slip of the tongue. It was a, it was just a figure of speech...

NP: I know...

LS: ... that an old lady I know used to say. Itís all over the auction!

NP: No but I think thatís deviation...

LS: Is it? I thought it was a bit of colour!

NP: It did add a lot of colour but it was incorrect within the rules of Just A Minute. So Peter another correct challenge, another point and there are eight seconds, nightmares, starting now.

PJ: Very often if the actor goes to prompt corner to enquire what is the name of the piece he is trying...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so, and heís taken the lead at the end of that round. Linda Smith itís your turn to begin, the subject, mobiles. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

LS: Mobiles, an abbrieviation of mobile phones, are an abomination, a blight on civilisation. I particularly dislike men with mobile phones on trains who make futile calls...

BUZZ

WR: You had two mobile phones.

NP: Yes. Unfortunately the subject is mobiles and you said mobile phones.

LS: No, I said, no, I said mobiles and then mobile.

NP: Yeah but you mentioned the word phones twice.

LS: Did I?

NP: Yes mobile phones. Yes. So Wendy listened well and got in...

LS: Have I had my dinner?

NP: I think youíre back in the auction house somewhere. So Wendy you have 51 seconds to tell us something about mobiles, starting now.

WR: You get some very pretty mobiles nowadays for babyís bedrooms. They hang just over the cot. Iíve seen mobiles in the form of frogs, penguins, clowns, elephants, coloured balls, and fairies. These mobiles move in a most attractive fashion and keep the infant occupied and so hopefully quiet and gradually send it to sleep. The other word that mobile could mean would be one of those dreadful telephones that seem to go off at the most awkward moment. I think they should be banned from most public places and certainly when you are in a restaurant or even a studio, then the mobile should be switched off. Getting back to the other sort of mobiles, I myself have one with geese. Iíd forgotten about that one. And then Iíve got one with...

BUZZ

NP: Linda youíve challenged.

LS: Lot of ones.

WR: Yes.

NP: There was a lot of ones, there was that one and this one. And do you know Linda, youíve cleverly got in one second to go...

WR: Thanks Linda!

NP: Yes! Right! But you werenít to know because you havenít got a clock that you can see up here! One second for Linda Smith on mobiles starting now.

LS: Mobiles as...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Linda got an extra point then for speaking when the whistle went and sheís moved forward. Itís all pretty even stevens at the moment as far as the points. Peter Jones and Wendy Richard are both in the lead just ahead of the other two. And Wendy your turn to begin. At the end of the day. Thatís the subject, talk on it if you can, 60 seconds, starting now.

WR: At the end of the day when I come home from work all I want is a nice cup of tea, to get into my own bed, all nicely tucked in all the way round because I donít like duvets. And then put on the television, hopefully in time for the 9.00 News and then I watch Frasier and fall fast asleep. If Iím lucky I manage to see the end of my favourite programme but sometimes I drift off before. So at the end of the day that is my ideal finish for a working long hours.

BUZZ

NP: It was riveting, wasnít it! And to think your favourite programmeís Frasier, and you fall asleep half way through it.

WR: I get very tired Nicholas! Itís talking to people and listening to them all day!

NP: Linda you challenged first, hesitation, 24, 26 seconds, at the end of the day, starting now.

LS: At the end of the day is a very annoying expression that people use. Itís so meanningless. At the end of the day! At the end of the day it gets dark and you go to bed! And thatís about all you can draw from it! Thatís the only conclusion to be ... brought about...

BUZZ

WR: I think she was hesitating.

NP: She was hesitating yes. So Wendy you got back in on the subject and there are 11 seconds for you starting now.

WR: At the end of the day, just kneel and pray, thank you Lord, for my work and play. These words are from a well known poem, the author of which I cannot remember...

WHISTLE

NP: So Wendy Richard speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point and she has incraesed her lead at the end of the round. And Peter Jones, please take the next round. It is busy lizzies. Tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Theyíre very fast growing pot plants and er millions...

BUZZ

NP: Pam?

PA: Iím sorry I thought it was a hesitation, Iím not...

NP: It was, he said er very definitely.

PA: Well I thought so.

NP: He said er, right! So that was definitely hesitation...

PA: Itís a bit of a cut-throat game this, isnít it?

NP: It is a bit! But I think youíre all playing with such gentlemanly and gentlewoman penache that youíre most polite and courteous to each other, apologising to each other every time they get a correct challenge! Fifty-six seconds, busy lizzies with you Pam starting now.

PA: The busy lizzie is a succulent fleshy type of plant and I donít like it very much. I donít wish to sound like a snob at all in horticulture because I donít believe I am...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

LS: Several doníts.

PA: Ah!

NP: Yes...

PA: Yes I suppose it was!

NP: So Linda a correct challenge, youíve got 43 seconds to tell us something about busy lizzies starting now.

LS: Busy lizzies are not my favourite plant although they are quite useful. Because they will tolerate really quite deep shade and they come in a variety of colours. Pink, red, white, pinky white, er, whitish pink, er...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

WR: Er!

NP: No wonder she erred because they donít come in all those colours!

WR: I tell you what, you can get striped ones now!

NP: The leaves, the leaves are striped, theyíre sort of...

WR: No, you...

LS: On busy lizzies?

WR: ... can get... Listen, I can talk about this in my 60 seconds, but...

NP: All right, well talk about it, youíve got the subject, youíve got 30 seconds available, busy lizzies, starting now.

WR: I like busy lizzies or impatients as they are known. I plant my window boxes and large troughs out with busy lizzies. I try to do the house of the... the house...

BUZZ

NP: Pam you challenged.

PA: Yes hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. You tell us something about busy lizzies, 19 seconds starting now.

PA: I do not wish to sound like a snob because I donít...

BUZZ

WR: You said snob before.

NP: You said snob before.

PA: Did I?

NP: But you remembered Wendy, you got in with 15 seconds starting now.

WR: I have lots of busy lizzies in the garden at the rear of where I live. I have got them in all different colours. You can get them in the most attractive variable shaded petals now, ie pink and white stripes. I actually prefer pink...

WHISTLE

NP: Wendy Richard speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and has increased her lead at the end of the round. Pam Ayres your turn to begin. Fish and chips. Are you a fish and chip fan?

PA: I like fish and chips.

NP: Well then thatís good. Talk on the subject if you can, 60 seconds, starting now.

PA: I like fish and chips. I remember in our village of Stamford-in-the-vale where I was born with my four brothers and one sister, a fish and chip fan used to come of a Thursday evening. It had a chimney sticking out the top and a hatch at the side. But he did not lower the aperture until he had cooked up the fish and chips. And so we used to queue outside, our nostrils breathing in the fragrant curls of steam that escaped and eventually he would fling wide and expose the interior. And we used to beg him for bits of the crispy stuff off the batter Nicholas, you know what I mean? And he also used to offer for sale chocolate covered honeycomb in large chunks, which was exceedingly hard and damaging to the gnashers. But nevertheless we loved it dearly. Also in Glasgow on one occasion I had fish and chips and haggis! And I recall standing in the street eating this unseemly combination...

WHISTLE

NP: So Pam Ayres took the subject of fish and chips and kept going for the full 60 seconds without being interrupted. So she not only gets a point for speaking when the whistle went, she gets a bonus point for not being interrupted so you got two.... Just think all that hard work and all you got is two points.

PA: Well I donít mind, itís the triumph, the feeling of triumph!

NP: The fun of participating as well.

PA: Yes!

NP: Well what has happened well is Pam Ayres has moved into second place just behind Wendy Richard and the other two are trailing just a little bit behind her. And whose turn is it to begin, itís Linda Smith. Linda, my school reports, itís in the plural. Will you talk on that subject, 60 seconds, starting now.

LS: My school reports seem to... er, ah... yeah!

BUZZ

NP: Pam Ayres got in first, yes, she erred immediately. There are 57 seconds for my school reports Pam Ayres starting now.

PA: My school reports are noticeable for their absence. I havenít got a single one remaining from my school days which fills me with grief and sorrow of the most intense kind. My belief is that my mother, having six children received so many school reports into the house that they became to her like confetti, and they had no value...

BUZZ

NP: You challenged?

WR: There was a hesitation. But did you say you had as many brothers and sisters when you were queuing up for the fish and chips as you did with the school?

PA: No my mother had had a few more by then!

WR: It was nothing to do with the bloke with the fish and chip van was it?

PA: No I donít think so! He had a ginger moustache!

WR: Oh!

NP: That was fatal was it?

PA: Yeah I think so, yeah!

NP: Yeah Iím afraid you did hesitate there but that was lovely. So fish and chips... no it isnít, itís my school reports. Well I was still caught up in that story with the fish and chips in Glasgow. With the haggis as well! That must have been... I love haggis but not with fish and chips. With my school reports, itís with Wendy and there are 33 seconds available starting now.

WR: Iím ashamed to say my school reports are abysmal. On every one of them it says Wendy could do it better. Or I should try harder. Or...

BUZZ

WR: Or, or! Whatís another word for or?

LS: Um or!

PJ: Harlot!

LS: Otherwise you could say...

WR: Harlot! Hahahahahahahah!

NP: What did you say Peter?

PJ: Harlot!

NP: Thatís another word for it, yes! So Linda yes she was hesitating and my school reports is with you, 21 seconds, starting now.

LS: My school reports have had a marked improvement in my exam results since I left, strangely enough! I donít know why that should be but the kind of comments I used to receive at the end of these documents used to be rather discouraging. Things in the nature of has contributed little to school life, I hope Lindaís attitude improves in the future. Well Iím here to say Mister...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Lindaís school reports kept her going until the whistle went and she gained that extra point for doing so. Sheís now in third place just behind Pam Ayres, just ahead of Peter Jones, and Wendy Richard is still in the lead. And Wendy itís your turn to begin. Spectacles. Tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: Iím extremely short-sighted and I have to wear spectacles. I have about 10 pairs. I have spectacles in varying shades and colours and most attractive frames. But what does annoy when Iím out wearing my spectacles which are slightly tinted, folks stop you and say "oh trying to hide behind those spectacles, are you?" Does it never occur to folk that people like myself could quite well be short-sighted? Iíve said that twice and none of you have bothered!

BUZZ

NP: Linda?

LS: As I just noticed, sheís said that twice!

NP: She generously told you that sheíd done it twice and you got in first. And there are 34 seconds available for you to tell us something about spectacles starting now.

LS: Spectacles blighted my youth! I am also very short-sighted and before the invention of contact lenses or my ability to wear them, I used to have to walk around with two cup glass ashtrays stuck to the front of my head! And it was a little undermining to the confidence as a young child. And particularly as...

BUZZ

NP: Pam why have you challenged?

PA: Well I thought it was a hesitation.

NP: Well it kind of was hesitation...

LS: Hands up Pam, it was!

PA: Was it? Oh! Oh!

NP: Yes! Fourteen seconds for you Pam, tell us something about spectacles starting now.

PA: I have written a poem about spectacles. It is as follows:

An old flame came to visit me,

I quivered, it was him!

The years had not been brutal,

He was handsome still and slim.

WHISTLE

PA: Oh blow!

NP: Iím sorry, she got that point for speaking as the whistle went. Weíd love to hear the end of it! Is it very long?

PA: No itís not very long.

NP: Carry on then!

PA: He... the flame, the ... he... hang on a minute!

The years had not been brutal,

He was handsome still and slim.

The flames of love still flickered

As he stretched his arms out wide,

And with a breathless utterance

I ran straight round the side.

But if I only had my glasses Iíd be there!

If Iíd remembered where Iíd put a pair,

I could be gazing at him now,

Well squinting at him anyhow!

If I only had my glasses Iíd be there!

NP: I think she deserves a bonus point for that!

PA: Oh you are kind!

NP: Yes there we are! And whatís the situation now? Well she has.. Gosh, sheís taken the lead!

PA: Oh gosh!

NP: That bonus point gave you the lead there Pam! And Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject, my teddy. I donít know if you were ever the owner of a teddy. But talk about teddies or my teddy starting now.

PJ: Yes I did have a teddy when I was a really small boy. But it was actually a dog! But my parents hadnít told me that it was in fact a bear! And Iíve had it ever since, because my family retained it and itís in a bookshelf somewhere at home. And I donít know whether itís brought me any luck! I must say I have had quite more than my share...

BUZZ

PJ: Whatís the matter?

NP: Whatís the matter! Youíve been challenged Peter.

PJ: What about?

NP: I donít know. Weíll find out from Linda.

LS: I just thought you were looking a bit pleading, as if you wanted someone to challenge!

PJ: No I wanted them no to!

LS: Oh! Well I misread the signals!

PJ: Ah! Well you did!

NP: But you were hesitating there...

PJ: No I wasnít! Absolute rubbish! Why should I hesitate about something thatís been with me for 70 years!

NP: All I can do is as this probably weíre going towards the end of the show, are you going to be generous and...

PJ: The end of the what?

NP: The end of todayís show!

PJ: Oh I see! I thought you meant the series!

NP: No Peter you werenít as bad as all that!

PJ: Oh thank you very much!

NP: So Lindaís been very generous and let you continue about my teddy and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

PJ: For instance Iíve been very fortunate in my family, my mother, father, wife, and now children and even grandchildren. And so not having starved to death in this business which is in fact a miracle I think, in view of my lack of ability to remember where Iím supposed to be at any particular time and er...

BUZZ

NP: Pam?

PA: Hesitation I would say.

NP: If you donít know where you are, no wonder you keep hesitating when you come on Just A Minute!

PJ: Yes! Well Iíve always been rather tentative in my delivery!

NP: Pam a correct challenge so youíve got my teddy and there are 20 seconds available starting now.

PA: I always slept with my teddy bear. I loved him dearly. I had such a er...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy yes that was definitely hesitation...

WR: Just a slight hesitation.

PA: It was indeed.

NP: Thirteen seconds Wendy for you to tell us about my teddy starting now.

WR: I still have my teddy at home. When I first got it I was absolutely terrified of it because it was bigger than myself. But now I am quite used to it because Iíve grown slightly taller than the teddy! I had several teddies actually, one in the form of a panda, then there was a teddy with brown velvet trousers on...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh! So Wendy Richard speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And alas! Weíve no more time to play Just A Minute! Let me give you the final situation. Peter Jones who has excelled so often in this show finished just in fourth place, a very good one. He was a little way behind Linda Smith. But she was behind joint winners today, Pam Ayres and Wendy Richard, today you are joint winners! So we hope you enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. It only remains for me to thank our four talented players of the game, Wendy Richard, Peter Jones, Pam Ayres, Linda Smith. From them, from me, Nicholas Parsons, tune in next time we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here goodbye!

THEME MUSIC