NOTE: Tommy Trinder's first appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Our second programme in this volume is from 1978, and we have three of the original regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And as a special guest the veteran and popular comedian, Tommy Trinder. He had never played the game before, and made out he was very confused by what was going on. He had a reputation for being a great ad libber, and soon proved it in this show, interjecting quite early on and being very amusing. In fact his interjections throughout the show were very spontaneous and contributed considerably to the overall comedy. Kenneth Williams was in great form in this programme, and when Kenneth is going well, there is no holding him. He began playing outrageously to the audience which they love. He then responds to their reaction and becomes almost manic which he does brillantly. And probably these are the moments which the fans of the show remember best. I think though, he would rather be remembered for those occasions on which he was able to show off his erudition and the knowledge that he acquired through extensive reading. In fact Ian Messiter would often think of a special subject about which he had been told Kenneth was well informed, so he could do exactly this. In many respects this was not always fair on the other players, especially if it was a rather obscure figure from history or the world of the arts. This was fine if Kenneth went for a time on his subject, as happened in this show. But if he lost it very rapidly through a little hesitation, he was so upset he could withdraw into himself. And the person who had the successful challenge was not always very happy as they might know next to nothing about the unusual subject. Clement Freud's contribution was not as strong as usual in this programme. Peter Jones did very well and nearly won. But Kenneth with his exuberance throughout meant he really was in great form. He never bothered if he won, he was more interested in competing and playing for laughs. And when to his surprise it turned out in this show he was doing very well, his extrovert playing to the audience brought one of the biggest rounds of applause he had ever had. At the close of the show I asked for a special round of applause for Tommy Trinder, as his ad libbing had been very funny. Some listeners wonder why successful first time guests are not asked back more frequently. The main answer is that the producer, whovere it is at the time, has be loyal to those who are established as regular players. Also the others may not be free when a recording has been scheduled. I hope you enjoy this delightful and at times unusual edition of Just A Minute.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Tommy Trinder in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panellists if they can speak on the subject I will give them for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repeating themselves, and without deviating from the subject on the card. And of course according to how well they do that they will gain the points as they try to bend the rules and I try to interpret them. And weíll begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is being scared. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This means a situation which is really outside of your control and naturally youíre full of fear. I was given a machine gun and a rifle by the Army and I had to fire these terrible weapons. And I was full of the most terrible panic! Even as I took these weapons into my hands...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of weapons.

KW: No I said weapon before and weapons this time. Plural, plural you see.

NP: I think you said plural both times actually Kenneth. I think you said weapons.

KW: Well I mean, I certainly...

PETER JONES: His memoryís gone! You canít remember it!

KW: ... wouldnít argue with you! I mean after all you are the chairman! I wouldnít dream of arguing with you!

NP: I think Clement Freud has a correct challenge, so he gets a point for that. He takes over the subject of being scared and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

CF: Being scared is something which happens to other people, which I havenít myself come across. But I believe you turn into spots or with goose pimples or red, green, white, yellow, even blue. Itís an extraordinary phenomenon beloved by... writers...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well hesitation I thought.

NP: I think so...

CF: I stopped, I thought somebody would buzz.

NP: He was getting very scared actually! For the first time in his life! There are 20 seconds left Kenneth. You have the subject back with a point for a correct challenge and you start now.

KW: I jumped once off a great height! I mean well it was a height, off, it wasnít..


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of height.

NP: Yes you gone off that height twice Iím afraid.

CF: You canít actually jump off a height!

KW: No I knew that! I was going to put it right, you great nit! I was going to put it right, if you gave me a chance! (gives CF a kiss)

NP: Oh the affectionís coming out early this week! There are 16 seconds left, Peter Jones, and you have the subject of being scared starting now.

PJ: Well being scared is one of the most delightful experiences of childhood. When itís in a controlled situation in a darkened cinema, when youíre holding on to an orange or a box of chocolates, and these figures on the screen are making these terrifying...


NP: Right! Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, he tells us that 60 seconds are up and whomever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Peter Jones and at the end of the round, he has a lead of one over Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And Clement will you begin the next round. The subject, passports. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

CF: The passport is a piece of international identification which is called for at points of entry inro countries, and is...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: You know itís not going to be my day today! I have a sort of...

NP: No! Youíll probably find your way into it, you sometimes are a slow starter Clement.

CF: Yes! Mmmm!

NP: With a fantastic finish! Peter Jones you have the subject of passports and there are 49 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well Iím rather disappointed that they donít seem any longer to check them very carefully. They donít stamp the dates of entry so you have no record of where youíve been, if youíre drunk or incapable or anything of that kind. Thereís no means of knowing where you last went. (starts to giggle) I didnít want to talk about passports at all! But er here I am...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid that was right! He not only... it was more than hesitation, he completely dried up! Clement you have the subject back which you didnít want of passports and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

CF: On a British passport which is blue there is on the inside left hand...


NP: Tommy Trinder challenged.

TOMMY TRINDER: Heís mentioned passports! I might as well get in, Iíve just learnt the rules!

NP: Yes! It is difficult Tommy yeah!

TT: Yeah! But a passport, if you are a British subject coming into the country...

NP: Yes?

TT: ... you donít need a passport providing you have a form of identification. But he wouldnít know that because heís carried in and carried out!

NP: Well Tommy as youíre entirely fresh to the game, this is your first time, can you now tell me what your challenge was?

TT: No! I just felt Iíd been here long enough without talking! And seeing as I get the same money as the others I might as well join in!

NP: Well I think thatís a very right attitude! It's how they feel as well sometimes too!

TT: Yeah!

NP: But thatís a wrong challenge, and Clement Freud keeps the subject and there are 27 seconds left on passports starting now.

CF: On the inside page thereís a message from the Foreign Secretary which asks people to admit you into a country without let or hindrance. I have never actually discovered what either one of these things is, or are, because...


NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes he did. He is very hesitant about his passports. So there are eight seconds left Kenneth, you have another point, the subject is passports, and you start now.

KW: A let is the old King James word for stop...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Heís not supposed to be defining the words on the passport, heís supposed to be talking about the passport itself!

NP: Well give him a chance! He only went for two seconds!

PJ: He had a chance! And heís failed!

NP: I donít... I donít think he did fail! I think he was leading to it...

PJ: Well heís talking about let and hindrance because Clement Freud is so ignorant that he doesnít know the meaning of these words!

NP: Let and hindrance appears on the passport, so...

TT: You donít get on very well between yourselves, do you?

NP: You donít know the half of it yet Tommy! You wait till...

TT: I donít know any of it!

NP: Kenneth you have the subject still, there are five seconds left, passports starting now.

KW: The immigration officer said to me "have you anything we should know?" and I said...


NP: So Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and with other points in the round he is now in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And Tommy Trinder who has contributed quite a lot has yet to score.

TT: Iíve got a football team with the same habit!

CF: They donít contribute a lot!

NP: Peter Jones would you begin the next round. The subject is a good fiddle. Would you talk on that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well Iím a tremendous fan of Radio Three. And thereís nothing I enjoy more than hearing a maestro like Yehudi Menuhin or Perlman or Isaac Stern dragging the horseís tail over the catís guts of a good fiddle, and playing some delightful air, er, for instance...


NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think so Kenneth, another point to you, increasing your lead, 37 seconds left, a good fiddle, starting now.

KW: Many a good tune is played on an old fiddle. I expect youíve all heard that. Indeed itís listed in the Brewerís Famous Book of Phrases. And I once had occasion to meet a fiddler who had a very old instrument. It was so old he said he had...


NP: Clement Freud.

KW: ... to have it all held together. Whatís happening?

NP: Your friend beside you challenged.

KW: Yes? Whatís he challenging about?

CF: I try to keep it a family show! But you did, you did repeat old.

NP: He did repeat old, Iím afraid. There are 17 seconds left Clement, a good fiddle, starting now.

CF: Stradiverius is possibly the manufacturer of the greatest fiddle. But as the subject is simply a good fiddle, I heard the other day of a woman who produced violins in 100 hours and actually taught young people in Ipswich to do...


NP: Clement Freud on that occasion was speaking as the whistle went and heís got an extra point. Heís now in the lead with Kenneth Williams at the end of the round. And Tommy Trinder, your turn to begin.

TT: I thought Iíd been forgotten for a minute!

NP: We could never...

TT: Whatís the subject sir?

NP: We could never forget you Tommy! Donít worry!

TT: Thatís all right!

NP: The subject very apt for you, music hall.

TT: Ah oh well...

NP: You can start now.

TT: Right! Music hallís an old British institution. Was the backroom of a public house originally. Ah, I could go on for a minute just giving you music hall artistsí names. I could start alphabetically by Arthur Askey, Billy Bennett, Charlie Chester, carry on like that, but I wonít. Iíd like to tell you that nowadays the places weíre talking about have gone. Theyíve all become bingo halls, they play bingo everywhere. Where I live thereís a Catholic church hall...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he did repeat bingo and he did say er several times earlier which I ignored...

TT: Itís a carve-up!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Yes! Thatís the way they play it, but it was true, you did repeat bingo. Iím sorry Tommy but you kept going for 22, for 27 seconds, which is jolly...

TT: I know but I hadnít got started!

NP: Thirty-three seconds left for music hall, Peter Jones, with you starting now.

PJ: Yes. In my youth I had the extreme pleasure of watching Billy Merson and Wilkie Bard and people like that and even Harry Tait at the Hoban Empire. Later I saw Tommy Trinder and he does seem to epitomise for me the very spirit of...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He was earlier.

NP: Who was earlier?

TT: I pressed the button and he talks! What is this? In this game youíve got two chances! A dogís chance and no chance at all! And the dogís chance got in then!

NP: He pressed a fraction of a second early. What was the challenge?

CF: He must have seen Tommy Trinder before seeing those other people.

NP: Yes yes thatís right yes. Everybody must have seen Tommy Trinder before everybody else in music hall. But I think itís fallen a little flat.

CF: Didnít go very well!

NP: No no...

TT: I started as a contestant and finished up as a memorial card!

PJ: You're absolutely right!

NP: Peter Jones, I disagree with Clementís challenge, you keep the subject and there are 18 seconds left, music hall, starting now.

PJ: And it was at the palladium of course, that he was enshrined for so many years (starts to giggle)...


NP: Tommy you pressed, buzzed, yes?

TT: Yes. He said I was enshrined, I was embalmed!

NP: Well according to Clement Freud yes. A very good challenge Tommy!

TT: I should jolly well think so! Now these places weíre talking about...

NP: So the embalmed Tommy Trinder will now talk for 10 seconds on music hall starting now.

TT: Right! Well they are now bingo halls and where I live thereís a Catholic church hall, every Wednesday morning, bingo...


TT: The priest shouts the numbers. He shouts them in Latin soís the Protestants canít win!

NP: Clement Freud challenged before you got your gag out! Sorry what was it Clement?

CF: I challenged after the third bingo but Iím perfectly happy to include the fourth!

TT: Mr Chairman, canít you declare a guillotine?

NP: I can but itís very difficult to guillotine embalmed people!

TT: And at least Iím new! Thatís more than you can say for the other three on the panel!

NP: New or nude?

TT: Nude!

NP: Three seconds left Clement for you on the music hall starting now.

CF: I was an Edgeware Road Empire man myself...



TT: No! Wrong!

NP: Tommy challenged...

PJ: Rubbish!

TT: Oh I know!

NP: All right! All right!

TT: There was never an Empire in the Edgeware Road...

NP: I know...

TT: He must have meant the Metropolitan!

NP: Thatís right Tommy! Shut up!

TT: Scrub all his points now! The managerís name was Matthews!

NP: Thatís right. You got in with half a second to go on music hall, and you have a point for that, half a second to talk on the subject of music hall starting now.


TT: You donít get time to breathe!

NP: You thought you worked quickly on the music halls but you havenít done anything till youíve been in Just A Minute.

TT: No! I know!

NP: Tommy you got a lot of rounds in that round, including one...

CF: Rounds?

NP: ... for speaking as the whistle went. And youíre still in fourth place. But you are only two behind Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams and one ahead of them is our leader Clement Freud. Kenneth back with you to begin, the subject Aimee Semple MacPherson. Would you tell us something about her in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Beautifully laden with these long flowing draperies, she would appear angelically for her preaching. But then extraordinarily disappear! And she always had this iteration: "Show me my estate", which consisted largely of an old colonial bungalow with a verandah, a rope from which a chair or apparatus was sitting. Because it wasnít like any ordinary thing of that kind, was later disposed of, you see...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I think so, yes Peter. You have the subject now of Aimee Semple MacPherson and there are 28 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well she founded the Temple in Los Angeles, and she extraordinarily enough disappeared, just as Kenneth said, only to reappear...


NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: He said disappear just as Kenneth said. Therefore it is repeating and weíre not allowed to in this game.

NP: You canít repeat the words, except the words on the card, so he didnít repeat...

PJ: He knows the rules quite well, heís just trying to spoil my account of Aimee Semple MacPherson! Thatís what heís doing! Itís quite clear!

NP: I donít think heís trying to spoil it! I think heís trying to get points and get the subject. But Iím afraid it wasnít a correct challenge Kenneth. So there are 19 seconds left with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Rather like Agatha Christie, and then she reappeared and completed her term as the Minister of the, this extraordinary let...


NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Extraodinary twice.

NP: Yes there was an extraordinary...

PJ: Oh there was yes yes!

NP: Yes so there are 10 seconds left Kenneth for Aimee Semple MacPherson starting now.

KW: She was always crying out: "Show me that stream called the river Jordan!" And they showed it to her and chucked her in!


KW: And there was the most appalling scene because she said though she wanted baptism, she didnít want that much of a baptism!

NP: Clement challenged you.

KW: What is it?

CF: Repetition of showed!

TT: Here! Our bells are linked up! I press and he gets the answers!

NP: No actually he said show and then showed. So it was an incorrect challenge...

KW: Thank you very much Nicholas! Very good chairman! Lovely fellow!

NP: I just have to listen very very hard because I know that... Tommy just to prove that your buzzer is working will you press it?


NP: Yes!

KW: Keep it in your hand! He drops it half the time! Doesnít he?

NP: Kenneth calm down because youíve still got the subject, youíve got an extra point and there are three seconds left on Aimee Semple MacPherson starting now.

KW: They shoved her in this enormous casket when they buried her and put a phone in with her!


KW: Now I won that one! I must have won that one! Mustnít I? Oh yes! That means Iím in the lead! Doesnít it, go on, yes!

NP: Yes! Youíre in the lead...

KW: I am in the lead! Yaaaaaaaaaah!

TT: Would you like the trophy?

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is beauty. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But on this particular show which has always been pretty short on beauty I do notice that tonight there is not a single member of the female species which you must admit is the best other sex there is from us...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation! Itís obvious to everyone that I am one of the most beautiful things that ever graced the stage! Iíve been referred to as a bleached and boisterous Bloomsbury blonde, and this hairís been compared with spun gold! I mean...

PJ: Unfavourably!

NP: I can think the only person whoís ever said that was Kenneth Williams!

KW: Precisely!

NP: So I donít think itís a good challenge! So Clement Freud keeps the subject and there are 43 seconds left on beauty starting now.

CF: I would like to state that my hair has also been compared with spun gold! But it is perhaps important to state that I have not lost...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two states.

NP: Yes you were in quite a state there Kenneth, Clement, and you stated it twice. And there are 33 seconds now for Kenneth on beauty starting now.

KW: We associate it with patrician features and elegant noses, often retrosay. And the incarnation, so to speak, of renaissance man as...


NP: Tommy Trinder has challenged.

TT: I challenge him for speaking in Latin. We all want to understand it!

NP: Itís a very good challenge Tommy. But actually their words have now been adopted into the English language. I donít think he was deviating from the subject.

CF: They were never very strong in the Latin language either!

NP: Yeah well he wasnít deviating from the subject of beauty Tommy, so 19 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: We have the example of Pracsitalees or the Mona Lisa hanging in the Louvre. People go and say "oooh, ainít she lovely though! Look at that smile! Itís almost indefinable, innit, the way sheís smiling! And those eyes..."


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I thought he was saying smile...

NP: No he said...

KW: You thought, did you! Well you thought wrong didnít you! Yes you great nit! What a nerve!Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street to be treated like that...

NP: Kenneth... Kenneth, incorrect challenge because it was smile and smiling for you and four seconds left beauty starting now.

KW: One things of the charioteer, Adelphi, this young face...


NP: Well Kenneth got a lot of points...

KW: Thank goodness for that!

NP: ... including one for speaking when the whistle went and you might be surprised to hear that he has more than double the number of points of Clement Freud and Peter Jones who are equal in second place.

KW: Oh! What a turn-up for the books! I always lose, I mean itís known...

TT: My friends will never believe me when I tell them I was in The Kenneth Williams Show!

NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin. The subject is my pleasure. And there are 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: My pleasure is to sit in the huge library of my country estate, and look across the lawns which were beautifully landscaped by Capability Brown...


NP: Tommy Trinder challenged.

TT: That is no way to describe the Wandsworth Road!

NP: Tommy we will give you a point for a perfunctory and a brilliant challenge, but he wasnít incorrect in what he was saying. He wasnít deviating fron the subject. So he keeps the subject and there are 47 seconds left, but you have a point, the subject is my pleasure Peter starting now.

PJ: And then at about half past 11 the butler will come in and I shall say "Jarvis, I want to order lunch for Miss Racquel Welch and myself and heíll then suggest a few items that we might enjoy. Like er grouse or...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: There was an er came in there...

NP: No, no, no, I donít think so, he was just speaking...

KW: Oh I misheard did I! Oh I see! Thank you very much Nicholas! I didnít realise...

NP: No he just wasnít hesitating enough for it to be scored against him in this game.

KW: But he was hesitating, but not enough! I see...

PJ: You'd have hesitated...

NP: Because you do have to take breath and not everybody, if you ran all your words...

KW: I donít see why he should have to take any breath! Hahhahahahaha! Ahahahahahhaahahah!

TT: Who thought of this game? You?

NP: No, Ian Messiter, sitting beside me...

TT: Well youíre making the rules up! I donít know!

NP: There are 30 seconds left...

CF: My friends will never believe me when I say I was in The Tommy Trinder Show!

TT: Everybody is entitled to a social uplift!

NP: Right! Letís now make it The Peter Jones Show and he will give us that uplift that heís already doing with his subject of my pleasure starting now.

PJ: So I enquire if the champagne is on ice and he sayes yes. So I say mix it with a little freshly squeezed orange juice, and letís have a glass of that to start with. And then my son whoís been playing polo in the adjoining field strides in and sees what I am about to er...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he might well have erred after the champagne! Thirteen seconds for my pleasure with you Clement starting now.

CF: I can think of nothing more pleasurable than sitting in a theatre near Piccadilly Circus with a handsome audience, all looking at Tommy Trinder, wondering for how long heís had his hat, and...


NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. Heís still in second place equal with Peter Jones, just behind Kenneth Williams. And for those who havenít got visual radio yet I must explain if itís not already clear that Tommy Trinder does wear his hat on radio. Tommy...

TT: I wear it in bed!

NP: Yes thatís quite normal but to wear it on radio! Kenneth will you begin the next round. The subject is pudding starting now.

KW: Most people donít realise that the great puddings of the north country are in fact leaving the makers coloured red. And the man whose job it is to sell them told me when I was in that part of the world, that they had to be given a special gloss! "Iím a pudding polisher," he told me. And he said that only when this kind of finish was given to the article, would people buy it at all...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said finish twice.

NP: Yes finish, Iím afraid you did...

KW: Well I was referring to the Finnish people coming here from Finland you see!

NP: Oh shut up! Really! Theyíll wriggle anyway to try and prove their point wonít they! There are 30 seconds for pudding with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: I think Christmas puddingís one of the nicest! Then thereís Queen er of Pudding...


NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Hesitation. There was two ofs.

NP: There was definitely an er there yes. There are 26 seconds on pudding with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The Queenís Royal Sponge is a favourite of mine and itís done by, you add the actual preservative inside. The whole steaming process goes on so all the flavourís going right through the suet and stuff..


NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

KW: I mean Iíve only got to see it and my mouthís watering! What?

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of going.

NP: Yes you were going a bit too much there. There are 13 seconds for you Clement on pudding.... And for those who canít see Kenneth Williams sitting beside Clement is trying to nobble him as he gets going on pudding...

CF: What do you mean for those who canít see?

NP: ... starting now.

CF: I think perhaps my favourite pudding is bread and butter of that ilk, which you make by using bread and butter of that ilk...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: ... and I hope I get two points for repeating both bread and butter...

NP: And another one for ilk I suppose!

CF: I wasnít going to use ilk. But milk...

NP: Oh! Peter you have one point and four seconds left to talk on pudding starting now.

PJ: Itís better to use the rather nasty kind of white bread for puddings I discovered...


NP: Well Iíve just been given a signal to tell me we have no more time to play Just A Minute, so I will give you the final score. Tommy Trinder coming from nowhere contributed greatly to the programme, donít you agree! He finished in third place alongside our stalwart Clement Freud, one point behind Peter Jones, but they were a few points behind this weekís winner, none other than Kenneth Williams! Well I do hope that youíve enjoyed listening to Just A Minute and will want to tune in again. Till then from all of us here goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.