JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,JWhitfield
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JUNE WHITFIELD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 March 1978)

NOTE: June Whitfield's first appearance, Nicholas Parsons's 250th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and June Whitfield in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panelists to talk if they can on the subject I will give them for Just A Minute without hesitating, without repeating themselves and without deviating from the subject on the card. And of course according to how well they do that, they will gain those vital points to succeed over their fellows. And weíll begin the show with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth, what a lovely title to begin the show, what makes me burst with pride. Can you burst forth with that one in the game and tell us anything about it in the next 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It would undoubtedly be anything that evokes those feelings of patriotism which send the adrenalin whizzing around my circulasione as nothing else possibly could. To think of the Queen mounted, reviewing the troops, the Guards on parade. And the buttons all shining, the braid, the plumage, and those incredible mounted guardsmen...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freudís...

KW: You see? They thought I said it twice, I didnít. I had guards first and then guardsmen. Hahahhahahhaha! Caught him, didnít I! Yes!

NP: As Clement Freud has pressed his buzzer, we must hear what his challenge is.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of mounted.

NP: Sometimes itís not a good idea to let them on to the fact that you didnít repeat something Kenneth, because he might think of something else, heís quite shrewd, you know! So it was a correct challenge, you did repeat mounted, so Clement Freud gets a point for that and takes over the subject with 28 seconds for what makes me burst with pride starting now.

CF: What makes me burst with pride is seeing my family juggle. They are as you probably know called...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, we donít know at all! I donít know about his family juggling and nobody here does either! Do you!

NP: We do have to find ways to keep going in Just A Minute, and thatís one of Clement Freudís particular ploys. And he wasnít actually deviating from the subject. So he keeps it, a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 22 seconds left starting now.

CF: The performing Freuds, dumbbells, balls, bottles, all go up in the air! And as often as not are caught on the way down. Dominic, Matthew, Nicola, Rupert, Arkwright...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfieldís challenged.

JUNE WHITFIELD: Did I?

NP: You pressed your buzzer.

JW: Oooh! Oh! Um...

CF: Good evening!

JW: Iím sorry about that! I... Iím very sorry Mr Chairman...

NP: June Whitfield has never, never played Just A Minute before and now sheís challenged and she wished she hadnít! June...

JW: Well, ah, it was a slight error because I did say to Peter Jones that I was a little nervous...

PETER JONES: And I squeezed her hand...

JW: ... before we started and he squeezed my hand...

PJ: ... to reassure her! And itís rather embarrassing, I pressed her buzzer, you see!

NP: Well I know Clement Freud can send a lot of people to sleep but if you could possibly keep your little party games to yourself...

JW: Yes! Peter...

PJ: It wasnít a party game, itís rather embarrassing this is broadcast to the nation, you know! I hope...

NP: Not only this nation, other nations beyond the seas!

PJ: Oh donít rub it in!

JW: Weíll keep our hands on the table from now on!

PJ: Yes! All right!

NP: Well if you buzz and itís an incorrect challenge the person speaking gets another point because youíve interrupted...

PJ: But Iíd like to challenge as well!

NP: Oh yes? Whatís yours!

PJ: Well he hesitated before he said Arkwright, for a very good reason.

NP: What was that?

PJ: Well I donít know! I think you should ask his wife!

NP: Because he hasnít got a son called Arkwright! So June that was your challenge, wasnít it?

JW: Was it? Yes...

PJ: Not living at the same address as the others anyway!

NP: So June Whitfield you were very very quick there! I must congratulate you! And not only quick on the buzzer but on the, your challenge as well. So Iíll tell you there are nine seconds left, you get a point of course for a correct challenge, and you take over the subject now of what makes me burst with pride starting now.

JW: The thing that makes me burst with pride more than anything is really when Peter Jones takes my hand underneath the table and presses my buzzer...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I donít want this to leak out! Actually what makes me burst with pride is the knowledge that Iíve more natural humility and modesty than anybody else in the panel!

NP: Well four people appreciated that joke! What is your challenge to Juneís remarks?

PJ: I wouldnít challenge June Whitfield...

NP: You just have challenged her!

PJ: What?

NP: Thereís one second to go, you just challenged her, what is your challenge?

PJ: Ah, itís a...

NP: I thought it was! A nothing! June you have another point for an incorrect challenge and you have one second to continue with the subject of what makes me burst with pride starting now.

JW: My daughter...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter as usual has brought his whistle and he blows it whenever 60 seconds are up and June Whitfield who has never played the game before has come in the very round, has got three points and has taken the lead. Thatís an incredible achievement in this particular game.

JW: Thatís my lot, I should think!

NP: Peter Jones will you begin the next round. The subject is critics. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I think the best critics are dead, and I wish there were more of them actually. I wish the others were better! Lee Hunt and William Hazlitt and in later years Bernard Shaw and others, well, I think what a pity it is that more of them donít...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Well I thought hesitation.

NP: Yes I think you were definitely right, yes. The subject is critics Kenneth, you have a point for that challenge and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I think it was the remarkable Rowland Bean who said theyíre like the eunuchs in the harem. They see it done every night and they know how it should be done, but they canít do it themselves! I think thatís probably the last word that once can say on that subject. Iíve always loathed the pack of them! Load of rubbish! Iíve never heard anything like it! The muck you hear from them, the muck you read from them, I mean...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfield has challenged.

JW: Was there a repetition of muck?

NP: There was a lot too much muck, youíre quite right. And he repeated muck and you got in there very well. And there are 13 seconds on the subject of critics June with you starting now.

JW: Critics are...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: She started too quickly for a newcomer!

NP: Surprisingly quickly for a guest but she didnít start too quickly for the game, I had said now. So you still have the subject of critics and there are 10 seconds starting now.

JW: When I read my daily paper and I try to see what was on television the night before...

WHISTLE

NP: I know that June Whitfield was a little nervous before she started against these three battling braves of the Just A Minute game, and she should have a lot of confidence now, because sheís got a commanding lead at the end of that round, having not only got points in the round but one for speaking as the whistle went. June would you like to begin the next round and the subject is phobias. We hope weíve allayed one of those for you, having now got into the lead on Just A Minute and will you talk on the subject starting now.

JW: Phobia, I believe comes from the Greek. Itís in a wide sense of the word it means an unnatural fear of natural things. There are possibly about 120 known phobias. I myself suffer from one which is mainly concerned with having to speak for up to a minute on some subject that I know very little about without deviation, hesitation, punctuation and a lot of other ations and one ition....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. Sheís doing it so superbly that to say she doesnít know how to do it is ludicrous.

NP: A very clever and ingenious challenge Kenneth so we give it to you and a point of course, and there are 22 seconds for phobias starting...

KW: Oh no! I meant it as a gag! I meant it as a gag!

NP: It was a very funny joke but itís also a very good challenge I think. Wouldnít you agree audience? Very sound! Twenty-two seconds for you to talk on phobias starting now.

KW: Mineís people walking behind me! I just canít stand it! And so I stand... oh I said stand twice!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Yes!

PJ: I think heís just boasting that people follow him! I donít think they do!

NP: Clement there are 17 seconds on phobias starting now.

CF: I think when it comes to claustro and agara there is not a great deal to choose...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones?

PJ: Thereís a tremendous lot to choose!

NP: Yes I think youíre right! There is a lot to choose. That is also as good a challenge as Kennethís...

CF: Good?

NP: ..so we give it to you with 10 and a half on phobias with you Peter starting now.

PJ: These morbid fears can sometimes be cured by experiencing the act which youíre afraid of. For instance if you worry about falling in front of a train...

WHISTLE

PJ: And then you do fall in front of one, the fear is dispelled!

NP: I was going to ask you to finish...

PJ: Ah yes! Thank you very much!

NP: Youíre equal with Kenneth Williams in third place, one behind Clement Freud and youíre all, no Clement is five behind June Whitfield. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject paper tearing. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Paper tearing is one of the things the Performing Freuds did particularly well, and Arkwright above all others excelled in. He would get a piece of paper and not only tear it crossways...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Weíve already established that Arkwright is not his son.

CF: I didnít say he was.

PJ: What?

CF: Heís a member of the Performing Freuds team.

PJ: Oh I see. Well what I mean, what he said about him in the previous round is the only knowledge I or anybody else has of Arkwright!

NP: He could still be one of the Performing Freuds so I donít think he was technically deviating from the subject on the card and Clement you keep it with 48 seconds left starting now.

CF: Sir Henry Colville who unfortunately met his death jousting on a motorbike was obviously as many of you will not know...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Deviation. He didnít meet his death jousting on any motorbikes because they donít joust on motorbikes.

NP: What is your challenge?

KW: Deviation.

NP: No, you could joust on a motorbike for fun...

KW: You could! You could do a lot of things and I know of other things you could do on a motorbike! But i think there are...

NP: If youíd said heíd deviated from the subject of paper tearing I would have granted it...

KW: Thatís exactly what I meant.

NP: ... but you didnít say that...

KW: I said exactly that!

NP: No you didnít! So I leave it with Clement and tell him he has 40 seconds...

CF: Do you understand my jousting piece everybody?

NP: Yes weíre doing it in Just A Minute, weíre trying to do it in Just A Minute...

CF: I would just like to tell you that Sir Henry Colville did meet his death at the age of 70 jousting on a motorbike...

NP: There you are, you see!

CF: And he was the grandfather of todayís BBC announcer. That went well, didnít it!

NP: Anyway I disagree with Clementís challenge and you keep the subject Clement and there are 40 seconds on paper tearing starting now.

CF: It is important to get the right sort of paper. Because vellum, cardboard and tissue are fairly wrong in that you canít break them up into the sort of shapes which paper tearers audiences demand from any performer who has talent. And this naturally is what people are looking for. Give me, they shout as they enter the music hall or theatre, a man with the ability... Itís well after a minute now! You really might press your buzzer!

BUZZ

NP: It isnít well after a minute! There are still 12 and a half seconds left! Kenneth Williams, you challenged.

CF: Thirteen!

KW: Well I thought deviation when he said it was well after a minute. I thought that was deviating...

NP: He was, he was definitely deviating yes, and you have the subject now of paper tearing and 12 and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I pressed my buzzer simply because I am loyal to the panelists on this game. I know nothing about paper tearing apart from...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: If he knows nothing about it, he should shut up!

KW: Well put! Very well put! Heís very clever you know! He listens, he listens!

NP: Yeah! Heís said it before, hasnít he!

KW: Yes!

NP: So what...

KW: Heís marvelous for his age!

NP: ... is your challenge?

PJ: Deviation, deviation.

NP: No he wasnít actually deviating from the subject, so he keeps it and five seconds left starting now.

KW: Cut the coupon out of the Times and fill in the competition...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Deviation, itís got nothing to do with paper tearing.

NP: No, he said cutting it out...

KW: Oh youíre right! He listens well you know! Doesnít he! Marvelous for his age! Isnít he!

NP: Clement Freud with half a second to go, no, Iíve been told actually an eighth of a second to go, paper tearing starting now.

CF: Old paper tearing...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and heís got quite a few in the round, heís catching up on June Whitfield our leader. Heís only one behind her now. Kenneth Williams is in a good third position and Peter Jones is fourth. And Kenneth your turn to begin. The subject, James the First of England. Knowing your love of history Ian Messiter would like you to tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Mother and son, both beheaded! A frightening thing but undoubtedly one of the few people about whom this can be said. And on the great progress from Hollyrood, he stopped a while at York. And according to one historian asking why this crowd pressed so hard about him, he was informed they are curious about their new monarch. And he is reputed to have replied, "well it...

BUZZ

KW: I just realised it was what he said. "If theyíre that curious, Iíll take my breeches off!" But then thatís not really for family entertainment!

NP: No it isnít...

KW: But it is a fact that he did say it, on his progress from York. Itís a historical fact and I think those things can be enormously enlightening...

NP: But you were challenged before he got his breeches off.

KW: Yes who challenged me?

NP: It was Peter Jones.

PJ: Yes hesitation.

NP: Undoubtedly you are right Peter.

KW: Yes I was wondering what I was going to say was suitable, you see what I mean!

NP: Yes...

KW: I was thinking of the genteel element...

PJ: That doesnít usually stop you!

NP: Peter there are 19 seconds left for James the First of England starting now.

PJ: James the First of England was also James the Sixth of Scotland, which gave a new meaning to the phrase King of one and half a dozen of the other! He was wellknown for his abhorrence of tobacco and he wrote a long piece which was performed...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones has now moved into third place ahead of Kenneth Williams. And thereís only about one point which separates each of them with June Whitfield still in the lead. Peter itís your turn to begin and the subject is frightening noises. Weíve had a few of those in Just A Minute! But would you talk on the subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

PJ: I think perhaps the most frightening noise that any... species...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Hesitation.

PJ: Well, Iíd hardly started!

NP: I know, itís a bit mean, isnít it?

KW: Whether youíd started or not is hardly the point. Weíre not here running a charitable organisation for your disabilities, for some old derelict to sit there that weíve all got to worry about! Oh, Iíve hardly started! You can hear his bones creaking in his joints! You see, look at the mind, you can see it working, look!

NP: I still think it was a bit tough! Quite...

KW: Oh I withdraw it then.

NP: No donít withdraw it yet...

KW: Youíre a fair man Nicholas! I know youíre a very good chairman! Heís one of the very few impartial chairman weíve got in this country! So I will submit to your...

NP: No it was a correct challenge, I just think it was a little bit tough so early in the round. But...

CF: Heíd gone on quite a long time for a man of his age!

KW: Yes, considering his age, you know!

NP: Heíd gone on for five and a half seconds...

CF: Yes!

NP: So Kenneth there are 54 and a half...

CF: Considering...

NP: ... seconds for frightening noises in which we include you I should imagine, starting now.

KW: The most frightening noise I used to experience in my youth was unquestionably the air raid siren which warned of the approaching Heincles, the dreaded...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Not necessarily.

NP: Well it could...

PJ: Surely he means Zeppelins!

NP: Well, as they say touche!

KW: I donít have to come here and be insulted! You understand what I mean Nicholas, donít you!

NP: Yeah I know, you could have stayed home and been insulted! I will stand by that and say they could have warned of the approaching Heincles among other things, so Kenneth it wasnít deviation. You have 43 seconds on frightening noises starting now.

KW: Nonalise Owens took me into the garden of her lovely rambling old house. And showed me the haunt of the screech owl, and she said "if you hang about here long enough, youíll actually hear the thing!" I said "wonít it be night, we can get night, dark!" She said "yes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: What I couldnít understand!

NP: I think...

CF: It all sounded very similar!

NP: I quite agree! It just sounded very similar! So I will give it to you and say that you have 28 seconds for frightening noises starting now.

CF: When James the Seventh was beheaded twice, once as James the First and the second time Sixth the frightening noises reverberated around...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, you know very well that no such thing happened.

NP: James the Seventh? No there was never James the Seventh.

KW: He is trying to mislead this delightful house here.

NP: Heís trying to be very clever which he was actually achieving but he probably, it wasnít within the rules of Just A Minute. So you have the...

KW: Quite right!

NP: ... subject back with 20 seconds left starting now.

KW: When I was on safari, Iíll never forget the roar of the lion! And as I raised the rifle to my shoulder and they said to me "take courage! one between the eyes will do it!" I thought "no, I cannot tolerate this appalling row any longer," and I said "do you mind keeping your voice down you see!" And they took no notice whatsoever and I thought...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And we leave him in that situation, you will never know what happened when he faced that lion! Ah but a very interesting situation with the score. June Whitfield, Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams all at the end of that round have eight points each. And Peter Jones is only three points behind. June will you begin the next round, the subject is cooking. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JW: I hardly like to talk about the subject of cooking with such an eminent... chef... raconteur, writer of cookery books and everything else sitting opposite me! But perhaps I could ask him about the... stuffing my breasts today. Ah it did give me a little trouble because... I read the recipe, you see, and I bought half a lamb which is quite a nice thing to do but you do get some odd bits with it. And one of the bits you get is breast... I read a very nice... way of cooking it which said you make a stuffing and you stuff it and you roll it up and it... it was such a tiny piece of meat that by the time Iíd finished there was really... not a lot... you know... I did all it said but ended up with a thing the size of a... very small.. um... tennis ball... surrounded by fat with a rather nasty inside... Did I go wrong?

WHISTLE

NP: Well June Whitfield started with the subject of cooking and after one minute and 23 seconds still had the subject of cooking having committed every crime in the game of Just A Minute!

JW: Yes!

NP: She repeated herself seven times, hesitated 27 times! And deviated, no I donít think you deviated June. So I will give you two points for that because you kept going without being interrupted.

JW: Youíre more than generous, all of you!

NP: Weíre back to Clement Freud to begin and the subject is crossing the Channel by balloon. So as we know this is something you do regularly Clement could you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: One of the most important things to achieve when you cross... the Channel... on a balloon...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think you really did hesitate.

PJ: Repetition of hesitation!

CF: I thought for a man of my age I kept going pretty well!

NP: Extremely well! Peter...

PJ: Well a man of your age has nothing else to do!

CF: I was aiming off... a bit...

NP: Yes...

CF: To stop... showing you up... you know... it seemed to be the sort of... speed at which...

NP: There are 53 seconds for you Peter...

CF: ... you... by and large...

NP: ... to talk on the subject...

CF: ...sort of...

NP: ... of crossing the channel... Shut up Clement Freud!

CF: ... I mean I...

NP: Youíre dribbling on like a man of your own age!

CF: ... steam...

KW: Oh I love him! Mmmmm!

NP: Kenneth will you please put Clement Freud down! You donít know where heís been!

CF: He knows exactly where!

NP: There are 53 seconds for crossing the channel by balloon Peter starting now.

PJ: Well itís wise not to make an appointment on the other side, because youíre entirely dependent on the direction of the wind and the speed of it, of course. So then once you have inflated your balloon or alternately lit the canister beneath that bellows the hot air into the sphere which I believe is made of rubber or something similar...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, the sphereís not made of rubber.

NP: I think youíre right. And so you have the subject and 30 seconds are left for crossing the Channel by balloon starting now.

CF: The cliffs of Dover are a very good starting place...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Not if youíre trying to get to England!

NP: I think a bonus point to Peter Jones and leave the subject with Clement Freud because he didnít deviate and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

CF: And a catapult is useful in order to achieve the height required to make the crossing...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No you canít possibly use a catapult to push a balloon up!

NP: Well I...

PJ: I donít believe it!

NP: I should imagine if you actually designed a special catapult it would work.

PJ: Well I could design a special balloon made of rubber if you like!

NP: Yeah but you tried...

PJ: A catapult! You canít, er...

JW: I just thought there was rather a lot of hot air going on at the moment!

NP: There always is! No I think he was establishing that this was a possibility, therefore he wasnít deviating. There are 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: Sir Henry Colville never ever went up in a balloon because at that time they were not a very popular means of transportation. Although of course there had been the odd human being who had used it across Salisbury plain or on a number of occasions from one end of a fen to the other. But old...

WHISTLE

NP: Itís a very close contest this week and Iíll now give you the final score. Peter Jones finished just one point behind Kenneth Williams, Peter in fourth place, Kenneth in third place. he was two behind our guest who did extraordinarily well coming in second place. Letís give a round of applause now to June Whitfield. But that last little flourish made him our winner, so now we greet this weekís winner, Clement Freud. If you heard any funny noises just at that moment and gurgles it was because Peter Jones and June Whitfield have both dropped their buzzers down a hole on the desk! It just remains for me to say thank you very much for tuning and also to those whoíve come to the studio. We hope that you enjoyed the show, from all of us here, goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC

NOTE: As you probably know, there is much cut from the actual recordings of Just A Minute. Here is one remark cut from this show, courtesy of The Kenneth Williams Diaries. This entry is for 18 February, 1978.

"I walked with Louie (KWís mother) to the Paris for JAM. There was a crowd at the studio and I was amazed! It was a FILTHY night. The show was Clement, June Whitfield, Peter Jones. I did the usual shouting and bawling. On "paper tearing" I said "I know nothing about this apart from doing it in the lavatory..." and there was a big laugh. Oh! what one will stoop to, in order to make them giggle!"