JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,SHancock,BCribbins
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, SHEILA HANCOCK and BERNARD CRIBBINS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 April 1978)

NOTE: Bernard Cribbins's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Sheila Hancock and Bernard Cribbins in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can for just one minute on the subject that I will give them without hesitating, without repeating themselves, and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And weíre going to begin the show with Derek Nimmo, and the subject Derek is customs. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I really do loathe going through Customs shed swhen one arrives in this country. One always feels extraordinarily guilty, for some totally obscure reason. Generally because one has rather too much wine perhaps in the bottom of oneís case. I donít know whether youíve heard the story of a man who was recently in the courts. Heíd been discovered with 625 watches. The barrister who was prosecuting said "how had the Customs official actually discovered it?" And apparently thereíd been undue turbulence on this particular aeroplane, and when the man had got off, all these particular timepieces were self winding...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

DN: What a pity!

SHEILA HANCOCK: Well thereís two particulars but letís hear the end of the story.

DN: Well just a minute, you see, he got all these, they were all self winding watches and because of the turbulence on the aeroplane they all started ticking! So when he got off it was like a nest of hornets apparently!

NP: Anyway Sheila challenged with 23 seconds to go and her challenge was correct so she gets a point for that. And she takes over the subject now of customs starting now.

SH: Different countries have their.... aaaah!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Um, bleurgh!

NP: So Derek you got the subject back, 19 seconds with customs, starting now.

DN: If you go to New Guinea they have the most extraordinary fertility...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation.

NP: Why?

SH: Well it obviously was going to be, I just wanted to stop it being embarrassing!

NP: How...

DN: Thereís nothing devious about fertility!

SH: The way you were talking about it was devious!

NP: It might be devious in thought and idea, but he wasnít deviating from the subject of customs. So Iím afraid itís a wrong challenge Sheila and Derek gets another point and there are 14 seconds on customs Derek starting now.

DN: In the middle of the Australian desert they recently found some Aboriginal tribesmen who had never seen another human being before. And when they were taken back to Darwin...

BUZZ

NP: Bernard Cribbins?

BERNARD CRIBBINS: Deviation, because they must have eyeballed or, because they must have seen each other. That is another human being.

DN: Yes!

NP: Well Bernard you get a point for that, and six seconds to con... to take over the subject of customs starting now.

BC: In the north of England there are very many starnge customs which go back to the middle ages and to the Pagan rituals...

WHISTLE

NP: So the whistle that Ian Messiter always blows for us after 60 seconds tells us that time is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was our guest Bernard Cribbins and Bernard at the end of that round, the first round, youíre equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. And would you begin the second round for us?

BC: Oh?

NP: Lovely subject: why elephants canít jump. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

BC: I suppose the most obvious reason why elephants are unable to jump is because theyíre really too heavy. And also they do have to carry this large trunk with them which as you know could contain a lot of clothing, heavy weights, furniture, sand, rocks, bit of granite, boulders. Anything of this sort which would obviously restrict their height from the ground if they put a great physical muscular effort into raising themselves above the afore mentioned terra firma...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: An er.

NP: No, the er was in terra...

BC: Thank you!

NP: It was in terra firma and Bernard you keep the subject, for, for an incorrect challenge and another point of course. And 29 and a half seconds left starting now.

BC: Another reason that elephants are unable...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of reason.

NP: Yes you did mention the word reason before...

BC: Did I?

NP: Iím sorry...

BC: Iíve lost my reason here!

NP: There are 27 seconds, no 28, why elephants canít jump, with you Derek, starting now.

DN: I know Mr Bernard Cribbins has been up to Kandy in Ceylon and seen the elephants bathing in beautiful rivers there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Yes, I thought there was a bit of hesitation there.

NP: I think you would be right too.

KW: Iím afraid there was!

NP: So you take over the subject of why elephants canít jump and 23 seconds starting now.

KW: Well elephants can jump, and I donít know why this statement as to their inability was ever made! Whoever did obviously is nothing of a zoologist. But I, even with my limited amount of knowledge on the subject, can assure you that they will and if necessary...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, heís not talking about why animals, why elephants canít jump.

NP: Heís talking about why they can jump.

SH: Heís saying they can.

NP: Well I agree, I think thatís a very good challenge Sheila, and correct, deviation. And there are six seconds for you on why elephants canít jump, starting now.

SH: Well itís probably because they donít want to! I mean if I was an elephant I...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: I mean, he is absolutely right! Itís a totally wrong question! If weíve got a question which is a falsehood, I mean elephants can jump.

KW: Of course they can!

NP: Well it doesnít have anything to do with me, donít look at me...

DN: Well youíre making a statement on it, are you not, Mr Parsons? Why elephants canít jump!

NP: There must be something...

DN: If elephants can jump! Itís like saying why canít Nicholas Parsons speak? We all know he speaks endlessly about all manner of subjects!

SH: Oh dear! I didnít think it would be long before we were Nick baiting!

NP: I agree, yes, Iím always very suspicious when he calls me Mr Parsons too. What is your challenge, Mr Nimmo?

DN: Well the question doesnít make sense...

NP: Thatís got nothing to do with me...

DN: Zoologically itís incorrect.

NP: And we havenít got time to discuss it with Ian Messiter. He thought of the subject why elephants canít jump. And that is the subject youíre asked to talk about. And Sheila was doing it very well. She has another point and two seconds left Sheila, why elephants canít jump, starting now.

SH: Probably the elephants that Ian sees donít jump!

WHISTLE

BC: That Ian sees!

NP: So Sheila Hancock now has the lead at the end of that round, sheís one ahead of Bernard Cribbins and Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth is trailing a little. And Sheila will you...

BC: Trailing a little what?

NP: ... begin the next round and the subject is...

BC: Sorry, no, sorry!

NP: Yes! I didnít say a little what, just a little!

BC: No, I did!

NP: A little behind actually! Wind powerís the subject Sheila, 60 seconds, starting now.

SH: Wind provides a lot of power, I suppose, particularly in Holland. I mean all those windmills wouldnít go round if there wasnít something blowing it. And they in turn grind corn and various other forms of foodstuff into bread. Then thereís yachts, they wouldnít sail around unless there was something puffing away...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of unless and something.

NP: Something, thatís right, yes, there was a repetition of something Iím afraid. And there are 38 seconds on wind power with you Derek...

DN: The primary example of wind power is Nicholas Parsons, who at the present moment is in the Guinness Book of Records for the longest speech in the history of mankind. Would you believe the afore mentioned P over there spoke for seven hours. Who in their right mind whether they be elephants who go off whatever would go along and hear wind power...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Would go, would go.

NP: Would go, would go, yes. Thatís what, they all would go. And Sheila the subject is wind power with you for a correct challenge and a well deserved challenge, a well deserved point. Eleven seconds starting now.

SH: Actually I think Derek with his various outbursts must have quite...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, Derek and his outbursts has got nothing to do with wind power.

BC: Oh I wouldnít say that!

KW: Itís deviation...

NP: Iíve never seen a finer example of unadulterated wind power than Derek Nimmoís outbursts!

KW: I think youíre mixing the business...

SH: I was going to say the power in his lungs!

KW: .. of oratory or rhetotic with wind power, and if you did that...

NP: Wasnít that what Derek was talking about, my wind power, when he was talking...

KW: Power drives things, you see, like a train engine or a ship...

BC: It drives you mad the way theyíre going on!

KW: If youíre going to put it in the other context you amke nonsense of it.

NP: No you donít, we want to talk about old Windbag, and the old windbag...

DN: Nicholas Parsons!

NP: And Sheila wasnít deviating and she has seven seconds left starting now.

SH: The power of the wind recently in those gales has been manifest all over England, where trees have fallen...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well there werenít any gales in March. So it canít be recently.

SH: Get out!

NP: How do you know there werenít any gales in March? You werenít in the country probably!

SH: Whatís he talking about?

NP: I think I might disagree with every challenge of his from now on! And there are two seconds on wind power starting now.

SH: Wind power is...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Sheila Hancockís over the colloquial wind power managed to keep him going there and also speak when the whistle went, gain that extra point and sheís now in a strong lead ahead of Derek Nimmo and Bernard Cribbins and Kenneth Williams whoíll begin the next round. Kenneth the subject is ambition and can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It is a most worthy emotion. And I have a great ambition to go up in a balloon. In my mindís eye I envisage the sensation of levity and total quiet as we soar over the countryside, see it all below like a patchwork quilt. And I would be, Iíd be so abandoned...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock...

KW: You know? I just give myself...

SH: Did he hesitate?

NP: No I donít think so...

BC: No he was being abandoned then. Iím next to him, I know what he was being!

NP: Thirty-five seconds to continue Kenneth starting now.

KW: And my other ambition, Iíve already mentioned the leviation, I canít mention that again, or Iíd be caught on the hop, or put out...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancockís tried to catch...

SH: He said mentioned twice.

NP: You did say mention twice, Iím sorry Kenneth. So Sheila has the subject again and 26 seconds...

SH: What is it? Iíve forgotten what it is!

NP: Ambition.

SH: Oh ambition, ambition.

NP: Starting now.

SH: Well I donít think ambition is necessarily a good trait. For instance Hitler was an ambitious man and you canít exactly say he did us a lot of good. And children at school who are forced into being good, like I hope my daughter will be, are not necessarily made happy by that situation of parents at home saying "why havenít you done better in your exams...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, I think weíre mixing up the discipline at school for children with ambition, which is quite another matter entirely.

SH: I was talking about the ambition of the mothers.

NP: She was trying to explain...

KW: I donít care what she was hoping to do, dear! She got herself in a hopeless muddle! Another example of course of the femininity. I mean they canít keep anything going! Only men have this capacity...

SH: I won recently...

KW: Shut your row! How dare you!

SH: You trail all the time, trail, trail, trail!

KW: Yes itís all because of the marking system!

NP: I donít think Sheila was deviating from the subject. I think she was trying to illustrate the ambition of a mother in a situation. And we donít want Just a Minute to become a battleground of the sexes, Kenneth. And so Sheila has the subject, three seconds left starting now.

SH: However it is my ambition to beat Kenneth Williams hollow!

WHISTLE

NP: And Sheila with the number of points you have now, I think youíre going to beat them all hollow, so you invariably beat Kenneth hollow in Just A Minute anyway. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, itís called keeping a watch. Weíre back to watches, we were talking about them with customs. There are 60 seconds on that subject, starting now.

DN: I often keep a watch on elephants jumping. When we go to a circus, they climb up on to these little barrels and then leap downwards from them on to the floor or the ground of the circus tent. I guess one of ther most fascinating thrills I think of going to the big top. Other things one associates with watches...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes hesitation there. I heard it.

NP: Was there?

KW: I heard it. I heard it.

NP: Well if you heard it.. Right um Kenneth you have the subject of keeping a watch and there are 37 seconds starting now.

KW: I had to do this in the Army when I was a sentry outside the armoury in Bombay. And the night was very very hot and there were...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: The night was very very hot.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was more...

KW: Well itís a good story, you great nit!

NP: Derek you cleverly got the subject back and there are 32 seconds on keeping a watch starting now.

DN: Last time I was in Bombay I washed my popadons very carefully most of the night. And it was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: I donít understand it! How can you wash your popadons?

DN: Watch your popadons! Watch!

NP: He watched it!

KW: Oh I thought he said he washed his popadons! I was going to say! Mind you, his dictionís terrible, isnít it!

BC: So is his popadons!

SH: (giggling) Washed his popadons!

KW: I knew he, I knew he had a chipati in Clapham but I never knew he...

NP: So Derek you keep the subject and you have 25 seconds for watching your popadon, I mean, keeping a watch, starting now.

DN: I was keeping watch on the quarter deck playing with my pirata, and I suddenly saw in the distance this elderly sikh who came over to me and said salama lakim. I replied to him...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Now I happen to know Sikhs donít say salama lakim...

DN: They do!

KW: No they donít mate!

DN: They do!

KW: No they donít! Not Sikhs! Because Sikhs are from Hindustan and that...

DN: Theyíre from the Punjab, you great nana!

KW: How dare you! Mr Chairman, Mr Chairman, are you going to countenance me being called a great nana!

NP: No, no...

KW: You heard what he said...

NP: Itís the only way I can shut...

KW: Do I look like a great nana!

NP: Yes! I know now why they call it Just A Minute because I have to keep on saying now, just a minute. So Derek you have 13 seconds on keeping a watch starting now.

DN: One day keeping a watch over my meta don baroti up in Kashmir and towards...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I want to know what a meta don baroti is! I mean this audience is completely bewildered. That bloke thereís almost dropped off! Meta don baroti!

BC: And you canít get them in Kashmir.

DN: Meta don baroti, itís a very beautiful Singhalese dish, itís made...

BC: Well you said it was in Kashmir, what the hell are they making it in Kashmir! Itís in Sri Lanka, you great nit...

DN: Well you can have a pork chop in Tel Aviv!

BC: Made by a Sikh?

DN: You can have a pork chop made by a Sikh in Tel Aviv! If you want!

SH: No you canít, itís made by a pig.

KW: What were you doing, what were you doing with this dish anyway?

DN: If youíd listened, youíd have heard this wonderfully fascinating story!

BC: Well Iíd rather hear what happened when you washed your popadons!

SH: Yes! We never heard the end of that!

NP: The subject, believ it or not, is keeping a watch and Derek Nimmo has five seconds to continue starting now.

DN: Thirty-five seconds to 4.00 was the time when I looked at my little tick-tock. Hello, I said...

WHISTLE

NP: Well you wonít be surprised to hear that Derek Nimmo did get quite a lot of points in that round including one for speaking when the whistle went. Bernard, your turn to begin. The subject is how to stop, how to stop hiccups. Maybe mince is the answer, I donít know. And you have Just A Minute to tell us about it starting now.

BC: One of the best way to stop hiccups is to take a cube of sugar and place it on the back of the tongue and suck it very slowly. On the other hand you can use the very old fashioned remedy of taking a glass of water. Shall I demonstrate this, itís very intriguing. You take a glass of water...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of glass.

BC: And water!

NP: You repeated the glass of water, alas! And so you hiccupped that one back and Derek has 43. no, 42 seconds, how to stop hiccups, starting now.

DN: This chap was sitting in a doctorís surgery and out came a girl crying her eyes out. He said "it canít be that bad, what is the matter...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two outs.

NP: Yes.

DN: Out?

KW: Out came a girl crying her eyes out.

NP: Kenneth, you were such a surprise then because Kenneth doesn't usually listen as sharply as that. Well done! Kenneth there are 36 seconds on how to stop hiccups starting now.

KW: I went to this doctor and he shoved a great load of stuff down my earhole and pulled out all this wax and said thatís whatís making you hiccup. I said, Iíd never have dreamed! I thought it was an obfus... obfuscation...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

KW: Well I was trying to say obfuscation.

SH: Yes it did have something to do with that.

KW: You would pick on me, wouldnít you! She wonít let me get any marks, youíve noticed that! She picks on people!

NP: Oh I donít know...

KW: Sheís determined to win! Her vaulting ambition overleaps itself, doesnít it! Iíve noticed it with her!

NP: There are 24 seconds for Sheila Hancock, how to stop hiccups, Sheila...

KW: Is that a wig sheís got on?

SH: The best thing is to put your head down between your knees and drink out of the back of the glass. Or let somebody give you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Iím not having this kind of rubbishy advice given to people listening to the radio! Put your head between your legs and drink out the back of a glass! I mean, youíd have to be a contortionist quite apart from the fact youíd end up very very ill!

SH: Do you want me to do it?

KW: Youíd ruin your spinal column, I should think!

SH: Iíll show you, Iíll show you...

KW: Oh shut your row! You donít know what youíre talking about!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Great twerp!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: And youíve got that awful wig on! Isnít it terrible! She must have had all her hair cut off, I suppose!

NP: Kenneth! You only play into their hands if you start going off like that. Sheilaís winning hands down on this battle of the sexes between you and her. And because she was quite correct, she wasnít deviating from the subject, however dextrous you have to be to achieve what she described. And there are 19 seconds with you Sheila starting now.

SH: Get a friend to leap out at you unawares so that you jump into the air and frighten yourself to death and that will stop hiccups almost immediately. Or alternatively get somebody to thump you hard upon the back so that you...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Actually Derek Nimmo did challenge with about half a second to go. What was the challenge?

DN: Repetition of back.

NP: Oh yes, thump on the back, thatís right, yes. So Iím sorry...

SH: Hadnít the buzzer gone by the time I said it the second time?

NP: No, no, there was half a second to go, so Derek, youíve got the subject, half a second to go starting now.

DN: I always like...

WHISTLE

SH: Presumably you put on a little hat, do you?

NP: Despite of Derek getting in just before the whistle, Sheila is still in the lead, two ahead of Derek Nimmo. And weíre now with Sheila to begin again actually.

SH: Oh dear!

NP: The subject is fables.

SH: Fables?

NP: Fables. Will you tell us something about that Sheila in Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I suppose the classic thing that comes into your mind when you say the word fables are Aesops Fables. These are, I think, rather boring old stories about animals, at the end of which there is a moral. For instance, the tortoise and the hare. This...

BUZZ

NP: Derek?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Derek. And you have 37 seconds on fables starting now.

DN: Some of the most beautiful fables in the whole world are contained within the Hindu Ramayana.

SH: Oh here we go!

DN: And when one reads those extraordinary stories of Wishnal gliding on the god Garuda, the beautiful winged bird which used to speed him across the countryside to look at patchwork quilts beneath him, and elephants jumping around. He then said "oh fabled one from deepest Kashmir, by the gardens of Shalimar, leading up to Gumar...

BC: Popadons and chips twice!

DN: And sometimes, whatever the wind power that was blowing behind him, when this monumental beast of the gods would rise and cry...

WHISTLE

NP: Well he certainly deserved his round of applause for keeping going...

BC: Very good!

NP: But Iíve never heard such a load of old whatsit in my life! Kenneth itís your turn to begin. The subject is Troy. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It was the scene of the most famous Trojan war. And as recounted in the Iliad, tells you how Helen who was of course the property and betrothed to Melinaes was pinched from under his nose by Paris. And of they went, eloped, you might put it that way. And then Melinaes came and laid siege...

BUZZ

KW: ... to the city...

NP: Derek Nimmo?

KW: Well there was the most terrible howdy-do...

DN: Melinaes, Melinaes.

KW: And they would never have got in but for these three Greeks came along and they had this wooden horse...

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth...

KW: ... and they put all the men inside this wooden horse and of course they all thought it was this tribute... Whatís the matter with you? Whatís the matter with you?

NP: Derek what was the challenge?

DN: Melineas.

NP: You did repeat Melineas, Iím afraid. Um there are 41 seconds for Troy with you Derek starting now.

DN: Was this the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless Tower of Ilian. Marlow put it very beautifully like that in Farsed and what I always wonder why this particular edification had not upon them any clothing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation I thought.

NP: Yes I think I would agree Kenneth. And so you have Troy back again with you and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: Inside the city there was this girl who was always weeping and wailing and telling the future. She was called Cassandra. And she would go "Oh! Thereís going to be a terrible happening you know!" And they took no notice of her. And of course the idiots proved, you know, to be wrong because...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: You know twice.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so...

KW: Well I mean you know, Cassandra, sheís been taken no notice of and she was proved to be right all along!

NP: Er Kenneth are you ready for us to continue?

KW: Yes!

NP: Right, 10 seconds, Troy, with you, Derek, starting now.

DN: When I went into Cartiers in Paris, I went to the jewellers...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Oh deviation. Weíre not interested in him going into Cartiers in Paris. Thatís nothing to do with us! Weíre not interested in him name dropping these posh shops that he goes into! Cartiers in Paris indeed! Half of us are lucky to get into Woolworths in Oxford Street! What a nerve! Coming here, coming it over us! Iíve never heard anything like it! Disgraceful isnít it!

BC: Absolutely!

KW: This is supposed to be the age of equality...

NP: Whatís your challenge?

KW: Youíve got people like him going round showing off...

NP: Itís got nothing to do with Troy, has it?

KW: Nothing to do! No! No! Thereís no Cartiers in Troy was there!

NP: I know he hadnít really got going but heís in a strong lead...

DN: I guess if you are going to buy jewellery and measure it in Troy weight the obvious place to go into is a jewellers I might say.

NP: Yes youíre perfectly right Derek...

KW: Oh I do apologise! I do feel awful! Iím very sorry!

NP: I was going to be generous and give it to Kenneth as he was trailing a little with you in a strong lead...

KW: No, I often trail!

NP: But Kennethís had a good crack of the whip in expressing himself there, so we give you the subject because itís legitimately yours. Seven seconds...

DN: Whoís that for?

NP: You. Seven seconds starting now.

DN: The wine dark sea. they sailed over it in those great boats in the Ilian towards Troy...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that magnificent flourish of Derek Nimmoís brings us not only to the end of the round but the end of the game and the contest, if you can call it a contest because we do play it all for fun. So donít write and tell me taht someone should have had a point who didnít get one. But at the end in the game, Bernard Cribbins, our guest, coming back after his previous triumphs finished in the same place...

BC: Thatís consistency for you!

NP: Yes! As before, one point behind Kenneth Williams who as before was quite a few points behind our two leaders. Sheila Hancock came second and Derek Nimmo is this weekís winner.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC