JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,TTrinder
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and TOMMY TRINDER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 April 1978)

NOTE: Tommy Trinder's last appearance, although clips of him are heard in the 40th anniversary special in 2007.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Tommy Trinder in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you. Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitation, without repeating themselves and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And I think we should begin the show with someone who was so successful when he appeared for the first time. And he said then "you wonít ever ask me back". And we did think that was probably a very good idea but we knew you couldnít resist the temptation. So Tommy Trinder is back with us as our guest. And Tommy the subject is why parrots donít sneeze. Donít look like that or you might be illustrating it!

TOMMY TRINDER: I was...

NP: Tommy, Tommy, I have to say in this game, you have 60 seconds to talk on the subject starting now.

TT: As...

BUZZ

NP: And youíve been challenged immediately by Peter Jones.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is quite correct.

TT: Oh but he didnít say go!

NP: Tommy as it is only your second time on, the, I will be generous with you and not count that. But it was a hesitation so Peter Jones must have a point...

PJ: Well I had to register it because itís so unusual to see Tommy Trinder not talking to immediately...

NP: Not to say something, not to say something, yes. There were three seconds already gone...

PJ: I know!

NP: Fifty-seven, you have a point Peter, 57 seconds with you Tommy still starting now.

TT: As an ornithologist, I would like you to know it is impossible for a parrot to squeeze. Because, one, a parrot never carries a handkerchief! Secondly, this particular bird never gets his feet wet, because heís always on a perch in a cage so itís not possible for him to catch a cold and do the thing that you asked me to straighten out for you. I mean all I can tell you itís as undifficult, oh ah!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

TT: That wasnít a hesitation! That was the wifeís teeth!

NP: Clement Freud you got in there. No, it was definite hesitation and Clement you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject...

CLEMENT FREUD: Havenít said a word!

NP: Twenty-two seconds left on why parrots donít sneeze starting now.

CF: Basically parrots donít sneeze because what causes sneezing is the hair inside your nose. And a very ugly thing to talk about, I always think. Because parrots...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well since parrots donít have any hair inside their noses, I donít...

CF: Thatís exactly why they donít sneeze!

KW: Exactly! And I think as they donít have it, youíre deviating in disgusting accuracy!

NP: Kenneth, I disagree with your challenge...

KW: Oh Iím so sorry!

NP: Clement gets a point for that....

PJ: Excuse me, just on a point of information, do you disagree that parrots donít have hair in their noses?

NP: No I was disagreeing with his challenge...

PJ: What are you disagreeing about?

NP: I was disagreeing with his challenge on the basis that Clement was making the point that one of the reasons they donít sneeze is because, yes, because they donít have hair in their noses.

PJ: You are then!

NP: Yes...

TT: What about a bearded parrot?

NP: Does a parrot have a hair in its nose?

PJ: No, of course it doesnít.

NP: Well..

TT: Who goes round looking up parrotsí noses?

NP: Youíre absolutely right Peter...

PJ: I donít know! Nowadays people are so desperate for new sensations, quite a lot of people very likely are!

NP: Twelve seconds Clement, why parrots donít sneeze starting now.

CF: Which is exactly why parrots donít sneeze. But there are naturally other reasons, such as the noise of sneezing is impossible to emulate...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It isnít impossible at all.

NP: No and a parrot might do that and that wouldnít be one of the reasons why they donít sneeze.

PJ: No!

NP: So I would agree with your challenge...

CF: It is impossible for a parrot to emulate sneezing!

NP: Itís possible but Iíve never heard it done yet.

CF: Thatís right!

NP: But I disagree, I mean it is possible...

CF: Itís not possible!

NP: Good challenge, he has three seconds...

CF: Itís not possible!

PJ: Itís not possible for a parrot to sneeze in the normal way.... Have I started the....

NP: Yes! No, not yet you have three seconds starting now.

PJ: If you give a parrot a monkey nut which is covered in....

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Wes... when Ian Wessiter blows his mistle, when Ian Messiter blows his whistle he tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Peter Jones who has three at the end of that round, Clement Freud two and Tommy Trinder and Kenneth Williams yet to score. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. The subject is inspirational flashes. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Constantine had one according to the legend. And indeed Archimedes in the bath was inspires, itís come down to us in history! And that brilliant American actress said over airwaves she became inspired! They said "did you really have nothing on?" She said "no, I had the radio on", which I thought was quite funny! Mind you, nobodyís picked up the fact that I have repeated myself, thatís because, on this game, nobody is as observant as I am...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of nobody.

NP: Yes you repeated nobody in pointing out your error. Clement Freud has another point and there are 25 seconds on inspirational flashes Clement starting now.

CF: This is one of the very few things you can do with a Macintosh in the park, for which people will not arrest you! But if you take your hand off your buzzer, thereís every chance that somebodyís going to come along and say "was this the result of an inspirational flash?" "No," you say, "this is the way I always speak and I walk like this when talcum powder runs out at chemists shops...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Well heís getting on to toilet, I mean talcum powder. And he frequently used to do this in the last series. Whenever heís desperate he resorts to talcum powder! Itís the only subject on which he feels confident!

CF: Iíve never mentioned talcum powder! Iíve never mentioned talcum powder!

NP: Peter I agree with what you said and you have three seconds on inspirational flashes starting now.

PJ: I get them in the middle of the night when itís too late to do anything about it!

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, heís gained that extra point and has increased his lead. Clement Freud will you begin the next round and the subject is Mrs Beeton. Will you tell us something about her in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Mrs Beeton is probably the best known lady cookery writer in the world. Predominantly not because she died at the age of 29 and would have been incapable of trying one fifth of the recipes which are given in her name. But because her husband was a publisher, and a company, having bought up her literary works have gone on producing them and regurgitating them annually. And very good indeed they are! It was Mrs Beeton who not only wrote about cooking but also gave her expertise to table manner, napkin folding, cutlery, table laying and so on. I think my favourite Mrs Beeton recipe is her Christmas pudding, because in it she includes so many items like raisins, sultanas, prunes, grated carrots, nuts, almonds, hazel, brazil and cashews, suet...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement kept going for 60 seconds so Clement youíre one point behind our leader Peter Jones. Kenneth Williams is in third place, Tommy Trinder is in fourth place and Tommy, your turn to begin. The subject is my hat. You told us when you were here about eight weeks ago that youíre never parted from it, you go to bed in it and you cannot work without it. So will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

TT: I read once where it said "if you want to get ahead, get a hat". So I wanted to get... further afield...

NP: Keep going!

TT: So I bought a hat! And the thing is that the one that I use on the stage, I never bought in the first place. Iíve had it for 35 years. And it was given to me by Basil Radford, the late Basil Radford, when I was making a film at Ealing Studio, went to the studio one morning and Iíd forgotten my headpiece. So Basil Radford who drove in, was wearing the kind of thing that I wore, exactly the same model, and er...

BUZZ

TT: ... I said could I borrow it...

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I just would like to kind of put my name down. If he repeats Basil Radford a third time...

NP: Yes?

PJ: ... will you credit it to me?

NP: And if he repeats studio a third time...

PJ: Yes!

CF: Or could he mention Norton Wayne?

NP: Well he hasnít said that yet so it would be quite all right if he did.

KW: I think you should remember that Mr Trinder is a guest on this show and I donít think that anyone has explained to him that youíre allowed to say the subject as often as you like.

NP: The subject is my hat, not Norton Wayne, Basil Radford or the studio.

KW: Yes but heís several times used another word for hat, heís used headpiece. You donít need to Tommy, youíre allowed to use that subject again and again if you wish.

TT: Thank you Kenneth! (singing) For heís a jolly good fellow, heís a jolly good fellow

BUZZ

TT: (singing) For heís a jolly good fellow, and Iíll let him wear my hat!

NP: Clement what did you want to say?

CF: Repetition of jolly good fellow!

NP: Yes! Clement Freud you have the subject and there are eight seconds on my hat starting now.

CF: I once went to an auction and bought a brown bowler hat which is the only headpiece that Iíve ever purchased. Using this hat...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and heís also taken the lead at the end of the round, one ahead of Peter Jones. But Peter itís your turn to begin. The subject is records, will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well the only record I ever held was one for eating prunes at my boarding school, because the other boys didnít like this form of dried fruit and the following day I think I probably broke another record! But I wish I had a record of it. But donít have!

BUZZ

NP: Tommy Trinder.

TT: Heís repeated record.

KW: Well thatís what I was saying to you last time about your hat Tommy. Itís on the card. You can repeat the...

TT: Youíve got rules for each different person!

PJ: Yes! There are the Freud Rules, the Williams Rules, the Jones Rules! And after a few months, thereíll be the Trinder Rules!

TT: Great, so you have the option!

NP: Right, well I do bend the rules for our guests a little sometimes Tommy. But you can repeat the subject so that was an incorrect challenge and there are 39 seconds on records Peter starting now.

PJ: Actually Iím not very fond of records of that type because Iím all against competition. I donít like the idea of one boy in a class being top and all the others being the reverse, or nowhere near.... you know theyíre...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: A rather large hesitation there.

NP: I think it was a complete dry-up, yes.

PJ: Not the top, thatís what I wanted to say, thatís all.

NP: So Kenneth you have a point of course and 25 seconds are left for you on the subject of records starting now.

KW: Mine of course are the old 78s. And the moments of sheer delicious felicitude and joy as I sit hearing When The Poppies Bloom Again. Iíll never forget it! I used to be moved! (in crying voice) I was practically in tears! Sitting with my wind-up because I didnít have electric...


BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of sitting.

NP: You were sitting rather a long time...

KW: (In crying voice) All right, you swine! Youíve got it! (Full on sobs and wails) I hope youíre happy! I hope youíre victorious! I just hope you enjoy it!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: (Full on vocal sobs) Ah-wahhhhhhhhhh! Ah wah!

BUZZ

NP: Are you all right? Tommy what have you challenged...

TT: Repetition of the crying! I would like...

NP: Repetition of the old act I would have thought!

TT: No I would like to give Kenneth one of my records. The recording manager, a fellow called Edison, he er, when I sang The Boers Have Got My Daddy, he said it was one of the finest recordings. We didnít have to do a second side you see, couldnít do that on a cylinder...

KW: Marvelous number! Marvelous number!

TT: Yes!

NP: Yes...

KW: Marvelous number! (singing) The Boers have got my daddy, my soldier dad, oh I donít want to see...

TT: Hey just a minute...

KW: (singing)... my mummy cry...

TT: Hang on a minute, he never pressed the button!

KW: (singing) I donít want to see my mummy cry, so Iím going on a big ship...

TT: How do you stop him?

KW: (singing) ... across the sea...

NP: Iíve often wondered! I think weíll get back to Just A Minute, Kenneth...

KW: Oh yes! It was a marvelous number though!

NP: And Peter Jones won that...

KW: He revived those memories for me! So vivid in my memory that was! It reverberates...

NP: I know, you have recovered from your crying spell now. So letís get on with Just A Minute now, there are five seconds left, the subject is records, itís back with you Peter and you start now.

PJ: I remember when I was last on this programme I told the audience that I had a record which started on the...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was again speaking as the whistle went and heís increased his lead over Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams and Tommy Trinder are trailing somewhat. Kenneth, your turn to begin, the subject Pericles. Knowing your love of history will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute, starting now.

KW: Well I think thereís no question but that we owe a debt that is incalculable to this great Athenian, without whom we would not have the Parthenon today. And how many have gazed and been uplifted at this extraordinary edifice. And he was a brilliant statesmen as well as naval commander in a city which is in which Socrates lived. I mean, it donít half make you wonder, doesnít it! Because where in the modern world could you point to a leader of men who under his aegis produced such a flowering and such beauty, not only in the plastic arts but literature, music, the great Threnody of the Lyre which ran throughout...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams starting with the subject of Pericles kept going for 60 seconds without being interrupted. He gets a point for speaking when the whistle went and one point for succeeding in keeping going. Kenneth you have five points, youíre still behind Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject is whelks. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Whelks are a sort of minor crustacean, purchasable in South End and similar places on the coast. I canít get my winkle out, oh isnít it a doer! I canít get it out with an old bent pin, has anybody here got a skewer? Was a typical Victorian music hall song which was not actually composed on the subject of whelks. But they are very kindred delicacies..

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. Heís admitted itís nothing to do with whelks.

CF: Whelks and winkles are the same...

NP: Well quite frankly the audience never stopped laughing, I couldnít hear a word he said!

TT: Which was probably just as well, otherwise weíd all be off the air!

NP: Tommy, those at home did hear what he said! Kenneth what was your challenge?

KW: Deviation...

NP: That winkles got nothing to do with whelks?

KW: Deviation, since he said, he admitted it had nothing to do with the subject.

NP: Well if he said that, then you must be right. And so Kenneth you take over the subject of whelks with 33 seconds left starting now.

KW: Iíve seen them on what are known as whelker stalls and so contrary to my friend here who maintains they are only obtainable in coastal results, I can assure him Iíve seen them in the middle of the city of London, and surrounded often by nasto flares that glow in the markets of Soho, and that nocturnal behaviour which compared to Belgravia is quite beyond the pail. But there you are, I mean these sights and sounds all become part of dear old London town. How often...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth got quite a few more points then including one for speaking when the whistle went and heís now equal in second place with Clement Freud. Theyíre three points behind our leader Peter Jones. And Tommy Trinder is still in fourth place. And Tommy your turn to begin...

TT: Good job thereís not five on this panel! Iíd have been in fifth place!

NP: Tommy the subject is Blondin. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

TT: Blondin was a great performer. He was a tightrope walker of Austrian birth. And one of the greatest things he ever did was to walk across the Niagra Falls on one of these er pieces of hessian drawn tightly to the other side. See, I didnít say tightrope twice! Well anyway... he crossed the Niagra Falls on this apparatus...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well heís mentioned the Niagara Falls before.

NP: Yes, and tightrope as well.

NP: Peter yes...

CF: There are two falls.

NP: ... I canít go on being generous forever Tommy...

TT: I have...

PJ: I donít mind him mentioning it.

CF: There are two Niagara Falls.

TT: Yeah I know...

NP: I donít mind how many there are.

TT: They come in pairs!

NP: No, no, no... Peter you have a correct challenge, there are 28 seconds on Blondin starting now.

PJ: I believe he also went over them in a barrel crashing down into the river below...

BUZZ

NP: Tommy Trinder challenged.

TT: He didnít.

NP: No!

PJ: I said I believe he did!

TT: Well Iím making you a disbeliever! He went across with a wheelbarrow with his agent!

NP: Tommy you have a correct challenge and you have the subject of Blondin back and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

TT: Well during my interruption I gave the lot, talking about the apparatus in which he took his agent across in. He was an Austrian which made him able to yodel while he was going across, and thereís not many people what can yodel at the same time...

BUZZ

TT: ... as walking across the Niagara Falls.

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement what was your...

TT: Youíll never see me going across the Niagara Falls on the tightrope!

NP: Clement what was your challenge?

CF: It was repetition.

NP: It was indeed, we werenít go through all the words, weíll just say that you have six seconds on Blondin starting now.

CF: It is well known that one of the many things that Blondin did not do was cross the channel in a wheelbarrow which he kept...

WHISTLE

NP: Um well Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, and he gained the extra point. Heís now only two points behind our leader Peter Jones and two ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth your turn to begin. The subject is graffiti.

KW: Oh thatís interesting!

NP: Yes! Iím sure that you can tell us far more about graffiti than any other subject.

KW: Many...

NP: Kenneth! Will you try and talk for Just A Minute on the subject of graffiti with 60 seconds to go starting now.

KW: A lot of people mistakenly imagine that this derives from the word graph, which as you know is the Greek for draw. It doesnít. Graffiti comes to us from Italian. The coinage is 1851 according to the OED and I have no reason to quarrel with that august and distinguished body of people whose job it is to prepare such a very fine reference book as that. So we know that it means to scratch on a wall, soft surface. It can be done glazing in pottery. But we have now associated it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít scratch on a soft surface. You donít scratch...

NP: Oh thatís a very good challenge, yes!

PJ: Yes you can!

TT: Yes! I scratch myself in bed and Iíve got...

NP: Thereís no answer to that, is there! Tommy you must come back again obviously. Kenneth you have 19 seconds to continue with graffiti starting now.

KW: And of course we associate it, as I said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: And associate, yes, well done Clement. There are 17 seconds on graffiti starting now.

CF: Perhaps my favourite graffito was written on the inside door of one of those toilets which had a 10 inch gap...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is a family show. I donít want to hear about this kind of filth. Disgusting!

NP: There are nine seconds for graffiti, I disagree with the challenge Kenneth. Clement continues starting now.

CF: As I suddenly remember that Kenneth, that Peter had...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is right. So Peter you have five seconds on graffiti starting now.

PJ: Well on the toilet door it said beware of the limbo dancer!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones having again got in just before the whistle spoke when it went and has gained that extra point. Heís now two ahead of Clement Freud in second place, a little more ahead of Kenneth Williams and even more Tommy Trinder.

TT: All bets are off!

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is my biographer and there are 60 seconds in which to talk naturally starting now.

CF: The most disturbing thing about my bi... my biographer....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree, there are 51...

CF: Thank you for your generosity!

NP: ... seconds Kenneth on my biographer starting now.

KW: My biographer would need to be something of a genius, not to mention a menuensis, because he never mentions me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of mention.

KW: Very keen here! Yes! Youíve got to give credit where itís due though!

TT: But never give a Jew credit!

NP: Forty-eight seconds are left Clement with you on my biographer starting now.

CF: When he said to me "whom can we get to play Clement Freud in the book of the film?" And I said "surely you mean the motion picture of the volume." And he admitted that that was his intention, he had made a mistake but nobody had challenged him. And if they had somebody would have buzzed and they would have got one point. My biographer is 19 years old, has red hair and is called Gladys which if youíve got to choose a biographer is probably the best name, the most preferable sex and the ideal age for that sort of equiverre, which is what the French call someone who puts pen to paper, or sand to vellum, alternatively biro to wood, or lithograph to metal. Iím not now going to say...

NP: Ah Tommy... Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he just seemed to be floundering there.

CF: I was giving a...

PJ: Nothing to do with the subject!

NP: I think that he wasnít floundering, he was keeping going magnificently. But he had actually got rather away from my biographer...

PJ: As I say...

NP: Discussing, he was discussing the different aspects and different treatments of writing. So...

CF: That is exactly what a biographer does! Did you not realise?

NP: You were talking, the subject is my biographer!

CF: Who has...

NP: I donít think your biographer would write with vellum or parchment! Theyíll say anything...

CF: Thatís why itís taken so long!

NP: I disagree, Peter Jones has a correct challenge, there are three seconds left starting now.

PJ: I hope it will be a very long book!

WHISTLE

NP: That last comment of Peter Jones brings the game, this contest of Just A Minute to an end which always seems to be very short, never long, because it goes so quickly, we enjoy it so much. Tommy Trinder who returned from his previous triumphs, finished in fourth place, but as usual he contributed full measure to the game. Kenneth Williams who triumphed magnificently a few weeks ago to win, was in third place, but only just behind Clement Freud. But he was three points behind Peter Jones. A popular win so congratulations to Peter, it only remains for me to say I do hope youíve enjoyed the programme and will want to tune in again. Until then from all of us here goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC