JAMSilver Minutes:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, with guests PAUL MERTON, WENDY RICHARD, TONY HAWKS, SHEILA HANCOCK, TIM RICE, BARRY CRYER, STEPHEN FRY, RICHARD MURDOCH, PETER COOK, VICTORIA WOOD, JIMMY MULVILLE, ELAINE STRITCH and SANDI TOKSVIG, with a special appearance by IAN MESSITER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, first part broadcast 20 July 1992, second part broadcast on 27 July 1992, third and fourth parts on cassette only)


FIRST PART

THEME MUSIC

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Hello Iím Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away again, itís my pleasure to welcome you to Silver Minutes, in which I invite you to enjoy with me some of the tremendous fun weíve had over a remarkable 25 years of playing Just A Minute. Perhaps the most deceptively simple, enduring, popular and much copied comedy game on radio or television anywhere. I have hosted this game over 25 years, to a tremendous array of talent, from such as Victoria Wood, Peter Cook, Maureen Lipman, Michael Palin, Elaine Stritch, Richard Murdoch and even on one occasion Barbara Castle. But in all that time the show has been kept safe in the hands of its four longest serving players, Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo, and of course the much loved, much missed, irrepressible, and not to mention on occasions uncontrollable, Kenneth Williams.

START OF CLIP

DEREK NIMMO: Well I think that juries ought to decimalise. You ought to have 10...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones?

PETER JONES: Repetition of ought.

NP: Ought...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Also it was quite ungrammatical because if they were decimalised, they would be, they would be subtracted by one tenth, you see. Actually itís not what youíre saying, is it? You meant there should be 10 men. Hahhahahahaha!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Oh, no, no, Iím wrong! Itís decimated....

NP: Youíre quite right!

DN: (shouts)

NP: Kenneth...

KW: I think itís good to be a man who can acknowledge his own mistakes, isnít it! Isnít that a noble thing to acknowledge...

PJ: Youíve got half an hour to go, donít shoot everything at the beginning!

KW: Oh right! Yes!

PJ: Hold something back!

KW: Youíre quite right! I should! Yes youíre right! I need sedation!

PJ: You do really, yes!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

KW: ... conservatory, whether it was a star in Milan...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TIM RICE: Two whethers.

NP: Two whethers?

TR: Whether it was so and so, whether it was...

KW: What does it matter, you great fool! Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street! Iím not going to be made a fool of by that great jerk! He was also very rude to me before this show began! Very rude to me before this show began!

NP: Was he? What did he say?

KW: Yes! I said "itís an all male panel on tonight" and he looked at me and said "well, almost!"

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

DN: Kenneth the cult!

KW: Exactly! Thank you Derek! Iím glad that thatís been made apparent, yes! I mean thereís too little of it! I mean people donít realise I am a cult figure! I am an enormous cult!

NP: Yes, a cult in your own time!

KW: People have said youíre one of the biggest cults round here! Thank you! Thank you Derek!

NP: And only you would dare say that!

KW: Thank you....


END OF CLIP

NP: What a daunting prospect for anyone to appear for the first time on the programme, with the talents of its regulars lined up against you. And many who arenít daunted when they start suddenly realise itís not as easy as it sounds when quietly listening at home in the bath! Here are some of those first outings.

START OF CLIP

NP: Sandi Toksvig you challenged.

SANDI TOKSVIG: I donít know, Iím just guessing. But I think repetition on investigate.

NP: Absolutely right! The council were asked to investigate and then he went down to investigate.

ST: What a lot of investigating! I didnít believe him though! I donít think the council went down to investigate anything! I think thatís a lot of nonsense!

NP: Well you could have had him for deviation, you see!

ST: I could have had him for a lot of things but I havenít got time!

NP: Sandi, you have the subject, the first time to speak on Just A Minute, the best of luck to you. There are 16 seconds left, the subject is the thing in the cellar starting now.

ST: Weíve got a...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Rather mean hesitation, Iím afraid!

NP: Yes...

DN: Iím just sort of trigger happy, Iím terribly sorry...

NP: I disagree...

DN: Long years of...

NP: ... entirely Derek. Sandi you have a point for an incorrect challenge, and you... but do start a bit quicker next time...

ST: Iím so sorry!

NP: There are 14 seconds on the thing in the cellar starting now.

ST: Weíve got a thing in our cellar....

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: She started very quickly!

ST: Thereís no pleasing some men! You start slowly, you start quickly!

NP: All right...

DN: What I want to know...

ST: Itís always the womanís fault! Have you noticed!

NP: Give them both a point and Sandi there are 13 seconds left for the thing in the cellar starting now.

ST: Weíve got a thing in our cellar and itís my grandfather. Heís been going off for some time now. I think itís his feet, theyíre gangrenous! He got that by standing in trenches in France. There was no war going on, he just liked to go and dig trenches in France...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Trenches.

NP: There were too many trenches he stood in, Iím afraid.

ST: I think thatís what it was, yes.

NP: I know! And Clementís got in with one second...

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Kenneth can you tell us something about my other self in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: My other self, who ought...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Cook has challenged right away. Peter?

PETER COOK: I thought Iíd better get in early! Because er otherwise I might not be noticed. I have to bring up the possibility of deviation here. Ah, the other self which has been talked about, which self is he talking about, has he deviated from himself while he was talking about himself?

NP: The only deviation thatís occurred is that the feller never even started. So itís a wrong challenge Peter, but nice to hear from you. And the listeners now know youíre here as well and didnít miss your bus! And Kenneth Williams still has the subject with a point for a wrong challenge and there are 58 seconds on my other self starting now.

KW: Many times people say oh how wonderful it was to have the veil as it were, lifted on your proclivities. We do like to see this kind of thing. And of course it is true that when we do see something that we didnít think...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: Thereís a constant stream of we-wees!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Victoria your turn to begin. The subject is my plums starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: She didnít start!

VICTORIA WOOD: I thought there...

NP: I know...

VW: I thought there was a noise to tell me when to start!

NP: Yes, yes, I am the noise...

VW: Iíve only just got here! I mean I canít be expected to know whether youíre supposed to start or not. I thought thereíd be a noise.

DN: If youíd been on time, we wouldnít have had this problem!

NP: The subject is my plums, Victoria Wood is going to talk if she can!

VW: I can!

NP: When I say now, now!

VW: Ah my plums are under the sink in my kitchen which has got red and white wallpaper. Theyíre jammed behind the wastepipe and theyíve got yellow and green tins. And ever so often Iíll take out a tin and Iíll open it and put it in my favourite bowl which has got red and blue stripes round, and itís white china...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of red.

VW: What?

NP: You had red and blue wallpaper and now...

VW: Itís different shades of red actually!

NP: Thatís a very good reply Victoria but Iím afraid if you do repeat the words.... Heís mean actually!

VW: He is, isnít he! I can see that from here yes!

NP: Derek Nimmo you have the subject of my plums, there are 47 seconds starting now.

DN: The most incredible thing I know is that when you get an attack of the hiccups from eating plums. Because sometimes it does lead to constipation and therefore...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria has challenged.

VW: Iím challenging on medical grounds!

NP: Yes I donít think...

VW: Plums can never lead to constipation!

NP: No..

VW: As I know!

NP: Quite the reverse I would have thought! So Victoria very good challenge and you have 22 seconds for the subject and you start now.

VW: The thing to do is when you get hiccups is, and Iím just pausing a minute to give you boys a chance to butt in and give me a really bad time! Now I remember what I was going to say now! The thing to do if you get hiccups is to get...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of the thing to do.

NP: Yes but she was giving you the chance to butt in which you didnít do before and as you didnít do it then...

DN: Until she said the thing to do I didnít want to butt in!

NP: Thatís absolutely rotten to our guest!

DN: I didnít want to butt in on a mean challenge...

NP: Sheís come all the way from Morecambe! The train was late! Carry on Victoria, you have another point for that and 12 seconds starting now.

VW: The best method to cure a person whoís got hiccups is to stand them in the middle of the room and all stare at them, and they get so embarrassed they forget theyíve got hiccups and they stop hiccuping! Either than that they get really obsessed with the attention and they turn into a career in show business, but I donít know which you think is better....

WHISTLE

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Stephen Fry, will you take the next round. And the subject weíve chosen for you is Wilhelm Furtwšngler. Can you tell us some... Iím sure itís been specially chosen for you! There are 60 seconds to keep going if you can starting now.

STEPHEN FRY: Well Wilhelm Furtwšngler as it should properly be pronounced, because thereís a umlaut on the a in his name, was a great Germanic com... conductor er of...

BUZZ

SF: Oh dear!

NP: And Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Itís unfair but there were rather a lot of ers.

SF: Yes there were!

DN: Somebody so bright as he should be...


NP: All right!

DN: ... able to speak properly.

NP: There were a lot of ers. But heís never played the game before and I think really, it was a bit... The audience are entirely...

DN: Theyíve reduced the price of his book at Dylanís!

NP: You have 49 seconds to continue on the subject Wilhelm Furtwšngler.

SF: Well Wilhelm Furtwšngler was known chiefly for his interpretations of Wagner, another great German composer of opera and so forth. Ah he performed many times at the Salzburg Festival where he get quite a reputation, got quite, er, oh my God! Really!

BUZZ

SF: Do you know itís a lot more difficult than it seems when youíre listening on the radio! My respect for Paul and Wendy and Derek which was previously rock bottom, er, itís extraordinary! These people are brilliant, I donít know how they do it! Never mind, carry on!

NP: Paul you challenged first. You have the subject and there are 36 seconds left, Wilhelm Furtwšngler starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Wilhelm Furtwšngler was the winner of the silliest name competition in 1946! He won several years in a row, after that, right in...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He won twice.

NP: He won twice?

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: This is impossible because he died in 1954!

PM: Yes but, yes but his name lives on!

NP: I think the one that you were talking about, the real one, was different to the one Paul was. So Derek you had a correct challenge, 26 seconds on Wilhelm Furtwšngler starting now.

DN: I was wandering in this rather seedy part of Hamburg and this man came up to me and said "my name is Wilhelm Furtwšngler". I said "what an extraordinary... thing...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: That was an extraordinary... hesitation I think!

NP: Yes, extraordinary hesitation, I agree! I quite agree and you have 13 seconds on the subject starting now.

SF: His interpretation of Tristan and Isolde with Alfred Suthaus is the epinem and ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

SF: Oh why did I bother!

END OF CLIP

NP: What a hard time the women are given, trying to get a foot in the door of this jovial male bastion. But many have succeeded with great entertainment value, and made the show their own, particularly Sheila Hancock and Wendy Richard. Here are some contributions from them and other favourite guests.

START OF CLIP

WENDY RICHARD: I donít have any garden gnomes. In actual fact I donít have a garden, I have a patio on...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Well deviation because you had a garden in the last round and now you donít!

WR: Ah! If I had come to the end of my minute I would have said that! Iím continuing on with my gnomes from my worms.

PM: But you started off with a lie because you said you had a garden.

WR: It wasnít a lie! If youíd... If I had had more seconds, I would have told them I hadnít got a garden!

PM: But you said you had a garden!

WR: Yes! But she blew the whistle, didnít she! I didnít say that!

PM: Have the property developers moved in in the last minute?

WR: I think Iíll go home now!

PJ: You were, Wendy, you were whinging on, about not having worms...

WR: All right!

PJ: ... and then you continued whinging by saying you didnít have any gnomes, and people were beginning to look quite upset about it!

WR: Oh all right then!

NP: The thing is Paul...

BUZZ

NP: Shut up Richard, what do you keep buzzing about?

RICHARD MURDOCH: I spotted something!

NP: Oh yes?

RM: She repeated several words, have.

NP: Youíre a bit late Richard, weíve got...

RM: Well you didnít give me a chance to get in! Youíve been talking a lot of rubbish!

NP: I havenít opened my mouth! Everybody else was arguing!

RM: Oh all right, I...


NP: Give Richard Murdoch a bonus point for the haves, we havenít heard from him yet. So Wendy you keep the subject, you have another point, itís garden gnomes and there are 54 seconds left starting now.

WR: I donít have a garden gnome but I have a duck...

BUZZ

NP: Richardís challenged.

RM: She said have twice.

NP: Yes I know she did! And youíve got 50 seconds Richard to tell us something about garden gnomes starting now.

RM: Well I donít have any gnomes in my garden. If I did have, I know what I...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy...

RM: Oh Iím a newcomer arenít I!

NP: Yes! So Wendy you got in there. I know what the challenge is, but I think the audience should know so we know weíve got it correct.

WR: He said have twice.

NP: He said have twice. Quite! Another point to Wendy, 45 seconds are left starting now.

WR: I donít have any garden gnomes, but if I had...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton....

PJ: Do you realise weíve been talking about garden gnomes for five minutes and we donít know whether sheís got any or not!

NP: Wendy another point and the subject back of garden gnomes, weíre fascinated to know what youíre going to say now, 35 seconds left to hear from you...

BUZZ


NP: And Paul Mertonís challenged.

PM: I just wanted to come in before she said "I have no garden gnomes".

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

PJ: ... and all these messages that people send...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock?

SHEILA HANCOCK: Weíve had messages.

NP: No, we havenít.

SH: The lady in the audience just said so!

NP: Sheís not playing Just A Minute!

SH: She did!

NP: Itíd be a fine thing if all the audience started challenging as well!

SH: Truly Nick, he said...

PJ: Yes I did say it, I must admit, I admit I did say messages earlier.

NP: Well all right. There are 45 seconds for you Sheila on round robins starting now.

SH: I have two round robins that visit me on my clothesline. And very attractive they are which is another reason why I like hanging out the washing. Because I say "hello round robins and how are you today? Is your breast faded?...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Sheila deserves a bonus for that wonderful line! Weíve got to give her one for that but Kenneth challenged before that.

KW: Deviation of course, the subject is round robins, not hanging out the washing, weíve already had that.

NP: Kenneth she did repeat the word washing so you have a point and 33 seconds...

SH: He didnít challenge me on that!

KW: Yes I did! Repetition, I said repetition, that was my challenge.

SH: You didnít!

KW: Now look here Sheila. We cannot have people arguing with the chairman!

PJ: Hark at him!

NP: Kenneth, you have round robins starting now.

KW: Round robins are so called because no human being has yet lived to see a square one!

BUZZ

KW: Oh I had to pause there! I didnít want to stop talking but I had to pause because the audience laughter there interrupted my natural flow, my natural flow was there.

BUZZ

NP: Yeah all right, Derekís challenged now.

DN: Repetition of natural flow.

NP: Kenneth you have 19 seconds to continue on round robins starting now.

KW: Well I donít really want to continue on this territory but on the other hand I....

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: All right if he doesnít want it, let me have it!

NP: All right Sheila, seven seconds on round robins starting now.

SH: Robin Ray however is decidedly not round...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Robin Ray is not round, she says herself so itís not talking about round robins.

NP: Itís devious. Perfectly well...

KW: Oh thatís a good one! Yes a very good one! Yes good one! Youíre very, youíre on the ball!

NP: And you have one and a half seconds on round robins starting now.

PJ: Very nasty little birds they are!

WHISTLE

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: There are eight seconds for you to take over the subject of kangaroo pie Kenneth starting now.

KW: This would be made most deliciously of course by none other than Elaine Stritch, because...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I donít accept that!

ELAINE STRITCH: You donít accept it?!

CF: Elaine Stritch is a conservationist of a high order and wouldnít kill kangaroos to make pie.

NP: She might make a pie if someone else killed the kangaroo. I donít know. Would you?

ES: Well I donít know what to do in this game! Iíve never been so terrified in my whole life! They taught me how to play the game or thought they did, and now I have to say whether I would be in a kangaroo pie? Or have anything to do with making it? I would not! If thatís going to clear this game up!

NP: I donít think anything would ever clear this game up!

ES: Well it has nothing to do with loving animals but I donít want to eat a kangaroo pie!

NP: Elaine...

ES: Iíd much rather see Barnum! I mean this is ridiculous! When is it my turn?

NP: We give Elaine a bonus point for her contribution to the show and another point for having let me off the hook on my next decision which is that Clement Freud was correct. So you go on for another second Clement on kangaroo pie starting now.

CF: You can get it in tins in Melbourne!

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went.

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: And the subject is what makes me fall about laughing and there are 60 seconds starting now.

KW: It is unquestionably Frankie Howerd. I remember him talking about going down to Chequers. And he said (in Frankie Howerd accent) "I was trying to get near to see MacMillan you know, lovely spread heís got there!

BUZZ

NP: Elaine Stritch, you challenged.

ES: I canít hear you! Or understand you, Kenneth! I really canít! And I think it is a cheek! I meant to say something about Kenneth. He has a wonderful gimmick on this show.

NP: Oh yes!

ES: You see he makes one word into a three act play! And I think itís the greatest thing ever! And you canít challenge him on it. But that I just take, I really, I donít mean to be unkind or anything but I just...

NP: Oh donít worry, donít be inhibited! Everybody is on this show!

ES: Iíll get used to it if Iím asked back!

NP: He did repeat the word there...

ES: Oh that has nothing to do with it!

KW: Hahahahahahahaha! You canít help her!

NP: No, you canít help her! Sheís so noble isnít she!

KW: I know, so truthful...

ES: (Imitating Kennethís nasal voice) Now youíre nyeh nyeh nyeh! (Normal voice) I couldnít understand that and I donít think thatís fair!

NP: Elaine he did repeat the word there three times.

ES: Well of course! That we all know!

NP: You have 26 seconds to try and talk on the subject of what makes me fall about laughing starting now.

ES: Well I donít think I can ever remember in all the times that Iíve lived in America or in this country, ever laughing at a comedian like Tommy Cooper. One night I was sitting alone in my um, room at the hotel and I was watching a television show. I think one of the strangest things in the world is to laugh when youíre all alone and out loud. I think it really is a er example of really thinking something is funny. So Iím watching Tommy Cooper and he said "I was sitting in a dentistís office the other day" and he said "I was reading a magazine and the dentist told, the dentist told me that, ah, the secretary of the dentist... Nobodyís challenging me!

WHISTLE

ES: I almost challenged myself!

NP: I know! Elaine you kept going magnificently for about an hour and a half and, and you fully deserved the point for...

ES: Well anyway I gotta tell you what Tommy Cooper said!

NP: Yes!

ES: He said "hah!" and all that business! And he said "I was sitting in a dentistís office the other day, hah!" And then he said "I had to wait two hours, haha!" And then there was an encore and then he said "Isnít it terrible about the Titanic?" I donít know, that takes a lot of explanation. But have you ever read the magazines in a dentistís office? Theyíre old! But anyway...

NP: Elaine you get a point for speaking when the whistle should have been blown by Ian Messiter...

ES: Please be honest with me! I repeated myself, didnít I?

NP: You did, yes.

KW: I would complain that youíre not decipherable, you canít be heard properly!

ES: But listen! Kenneth!

BARRY CRYER: Tell him!

ES: I donít want to go home and have this show broadcast and say "how was I?" and somebody else say "well they were very nice to you". I mean that really isnít going to cut well with me, so I want to be treated like the rest...

NP: I think...

ES: ... of the gang!

NP: ...theyíve actually treated you rather toughly because thatís a mean way to treat you what theyíve done...

ES: Right!

NP: They only do that to people they not only love, but people they know are good at the game....

ES: Oh I thought it was because Iím attractive Nicholas! And Iím going to keep that thought and go home with it! So the hell with all of you!

END OF CLIP

NP: In the sadness of losing Kenneth Williams many wondered whether Just A Minute might die with him but the joy of the game is its ability to encompass an enormous range of different new talents, many with a great affection for the show. One aspiring young comedian after writing to then producer asking to be on the show, the only time heís ever done such a thing in his whole career was eventually invited to take on the difficult task of appearing in the first series without Kenneth Williams. Paul Merton rose splendidly to the challenge to become a new regular and confirm the programme was alive and well. As you can hear in this golden minute from one of his first shows.

START OF CLIP

NP: Paul will you take the next round. The subject is my pet starting now.

PM: My pet is a cat called Zooby. This cat as it is peculiarly...

BUZZ

PM: Stupid cat!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two cats.

NP: There were two cats, yes, and youíve only got one Iím sure. So thatís repetition...

PM: If the cat was a schizophrenic would that help me in any way?

RM: It could be a Siamese cat like in twins!

NP: Yes, but in Just A Minute, if you repeat the word that is repetition and so 56 seconds Derek on my pet starting now.

DN: My pet is a beautiful red retriever dog that Iíve had since it was six months old. Had it trained by somebody in a part of Northamptonshire known as Owney. It is a great chum to me, it is a personal friend with an ability...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: I think you should extend your social life if this, if this red retriever is a personal friend! I once, I used to correspond with a tortoise but I donít...

NP: A bonus point because we did enjoy the challenge Paul. But Derek wasnít actually being too devious so he keeps going with 33 seconds on my pet starting now.

DN: His name is Rufus, named after the King of that particular appendage, and the...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: The dog was named after a Kingís appendage?

NP: Yes!

PJ: Was it? I didnít...

NP: Oh!

PM: Is that the reason you became friends?

NP: Oh dear! Now I have to judge on that and decide whether...

PJ: Well...

NP: ... itís deviation or not!

PJ: Definitely deviation on somebodyís part!

RM: He was trying it on the dog!

NP: Whatever happens Peter youíre going to get a bonus point for your challenge, I can tell you that right away! I think what Iím going to do in this situation is put this to the superior wisdom and judgement...

PJ: Oh I donít want it!

NP:... of our charming...

DN: Iím fed up with this bloody dog! It doesnít exist anyway! I hate dogs!

PM: So much for friendship! Youíre here on Radio Four, this poor dogís at home waiting for you, this personal friend, probably whipped up a custard or something!

NP: Yes and now youíve thrown the whole thing out the window and given it over to Peter Jones, 23 seconds on my pet starting now.

PJ: My pet was a blue rabbit called Jimmy...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: I would suggest that you werenít heating it properly! Probably keep it indoors...

PJ: Blue chinchilla rabbit, thatís what it was.

NP: Right, but keep it, save it Peter, because Paul gets another point because we liked the challenge, Peter keeps the subject and a point for an incorrect challenge, 20 seconds left starting now.

PJ: But after a couple of years, I must say I had to admit it was rather boring. It didnít sort of give anything much. A rabbit is pretty, you know...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation and repetition of rabbit.

NP: Yes I agree with you Derek. But only one point Iím afraid, but 11 seconds on my pet starting now.

DN: My wife calls me my pet. I...

BUZZ

NP: Paul, I know your challenge, but come on Paul, yes?

PM: No I was going to say repetition of my but of course thatís included in the subject.

NP: I thought you were going to say if his, if his golden retriever was his pet, how could he be the pet to his wife as well.

PM: No I wasnít going to say that! Mainly because I donít understand what youíve just said!

NP: Iíll be honest...

DN: There was no logic in it!

PM: But then youíre probably still upset about Sale of the Century being cancelled!

PJ: Did your wife have you trained by this man in Northampton?

PM: And did you ever turn blue?

NP: And so Paul got in with three seconds to go and the subject still my pet starting now.

PM: She used to be a kitten. That was of course many months ago...

WHISTLE

END OF CLIP

NP: One other performer whoís been with the programme for all 25 highly enjoyable years is of course myself. More often than not hemmed in, browbeaten, in the thick of it, on the receiving end of all their brickbats. Well I leave you with some of the skirmishes between myself and the unruly mob whoíve sparred around me over the years. I do hope youíve been entertained by this edition of Silver Minutes and will join me for the second part in which I will be enjoying again some of the witty and underhand ruses resorted to by our many panelists in their 25 year struggle to keep talking for Just A Minute. Until then, from all the panelists featured, from researcher Mark Louisson, the creator of the game Ian Messiter, the producer Sarah Smith and myself Nicholas parsons, goodbye.

START OF CLIP

CF: Cheek is when someone of diminished responsibility goes to the British Broadcasting Corporation and elects to be chairman of a panel game on the basis that he might have some idea of how to control people whose multi-syllabic words he doesnít understand, whose meaning he is unable to comprehend and whose hours and time he is unable to keep. Iíve now said unable three times and because nobodyís interrupted me, only...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well Iím not interrupting because Iím enjoying it!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

PJ: I should have challenged because I did hear it but I wasnít giving it my attention. I still canít get over this business of you getting more money than weíre getting! Baffling! Baffling!

NP: Peter I will stand you a drink afterwards and thatís just about the amount of money...

PJ: No need to flaunt it!

DN: Itís the first time in 15 years, I can tell you!

THEME MUSIC

SECOND PART

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello Iím Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away I welcome to you to the second part of Silver Minutes, in which Iíll be enjoying some of the wit, inventivemess and intellect as well as tricks, lies and downright barefaced cheek tried on by the many players of Just A Minute over its 25 years. Letís start with the rules, the points of order and appeals to myself as chairman. Expected as I am to combine acute hearing, perfect memory and judgemnetal wisdom of Solomon. Thereís no mercy for slipups including my own!

START OF CLIP

NP: So Stephen you have 29 seconds to tell us something about style starting now.

SF: Le style síalons, somebody said, French I expect. There was dístyle of course which is an artistic movement of the early 20th century also known as neo-plasticism of which Mondrian was a leading proponent. Style however is also regarded...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Out of Nicholas Parsonsí depth!

NP: You speak for yourself!

PM: Can you repeat any of that?

NP: Yes, all those neo-plasticism of the 18th century and the toubriquet of le style, and... I was listening actually for hesitation, repetition and deviation!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

DN: I had a letter from an old air force officer, a gallant gentleman, who had visited her when she was playing A Little Bit Of Fluff at the Criterion Theatre. He was going to France...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: A Little Bit Of Fluff was at the Ambassadorís Theatre!

NP: How do you know? You see how you can hoodwink, you say something....

PJ: I have a photographic memory, thereís no question about it!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

KW: Many people, of course, separate it including Cardinal Wolsey who built that fabulous place on the River Thames, and was always having the chocolate bon-bons...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of bon-bon.

KW: Heís walked right into it!

NP: According to the Oxford English Dictionary bon-bon is a hyphenated word.

KW: Hahah! Hahah! Oh joy!

NP: If you hyphenate two words you surely must be doing it to make them into one word.

CF: And he used it in the plural. The second syllable has an S.

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

JIMMY MULVILLE: We were forced to use words like rick...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of forced. They were forced then and then they were forced to use...

JM: Forced?

DN: ... to use them on the Romans earlier on.

NP: I know! I know he said it but...

DN: One and one makes two, Nick!

NP: I know! But also occasionally I am generous because when somebody only played in the last series once...

DN: I see!

NP: ...I actually pretend I didnít hear. and...

DN: Oh right! Oh good!

JM: Oh right yes!

DN: I thought it was the battery running down!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Thirty-three seconds, short notice, starting now.

PM: Two pints please milkman is the shortest notice Iíve ever seen which is something...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: One pint would be shorter!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Clement you have three seconds on the first of a new series starting now.

CF: I...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. Didnít start quickly enough at all! Terribly slow!

NP: Not, not for you Peter, but Iím afraid quite enough for the game. Two seconds Clement on the first of a new series starting now.

CF: And therefore Iíd like to greet everybody...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: I havenít challenged.

PJ: It must have been a correct challenge because you said two seconds and he said nothing! First of all, it was three seconds...

DN: Well guess what, I did it! I pressed my buzzer a moment ago on the say, it didnít go on. This time I just had a little tentative one.

PJ: Are you blaming your equipment because youíre falling down?

DN: My buzzerís no good! Iíve got a faulty buzzer! Thatís what I want to know...

KW: A bad workman always blames his tools! Yes!

PJ: Quite!

NP: Your buzzerís perfectly all right!

PJ: My point is...

NP: Yes, whatís your point?

PJ: Clement had three seconds...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...in which to make a speech...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ... and I buzzed...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ... for hesitation...

NP: Yes.

PJ: You then said now youíve got two seconds....

NP: But during that second, he said something!

PJ: What did he say? Nothing! I mean...

NP: He did speak, he had a definite phrase, the full contents of which I canít remember, but he did speak...

PJ: Youíre the chairman and you canít remember what the last speaker said!

DN: Itís going to be a rotten series, I can tell you!

PJ: I... you know, his buzzer isnít working, you canít remember, what chance have we got!

NP: We wonít have a chance in hell if you keep up this much longer! Right, Peter, shut up, Kenneth....

KW: I havenít said anything!

END OF CLIP

NP: Sometimes I donít get involved at all as the players of the game launch into pitched battles with each other or simply make it easy for everyone and shoot themselves in both feet.

START OF CLIP

NP: And the subject is Ciberus. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: People say if someoneís enjoying all this richness, they say Cyru, Ciri...

BUZZ

NP: Oh dear!

KW: Oh lackaday! Oh rue and woe is me! I was tripped up by me diction!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

DN: What I was really sad about is when the 10 shilling note went out of operation because there was something awfully nice about handing a doorman a 10... oh! Yes! Never mind! Iíll go on, it doesnít matter....

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

SH: I am not going to sulk and hide my head and experience umbrage because I feel it is a despicable way to carry on and makes not for progress. However a lot of children are inclined to do this when they feel sulky and I say to them, life is too short to feel like that, my darling! Do not feel and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

SH: Awww! Ooh what a relief!

KW: Well I was bored!

SH: So was I!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Forty-seven seconds left with you Kenneth, on rules, starting now.

KW: I went to a restaurant called Rules in Maiden Lane, and saw in a tiny alcove, almost hidden from public view, two people having what was obviously a tete a tete. Oh!

BUZZ

END OF CLIP

NP: Itís all in the best of good humour of course! In 25 years of playing the game, our panelists have been known, once or twice, to agree with each other! And occasionally someone makes it to the 60 seconds finishing line without a murmur from his colleagues. And of course flattering the chairman does help tremendously!

START OF CLIP

SH: I get up every morning and I try to say to myself today is going to be the best day of my...

BUZZ

NP: Oh bad luck! Kenneth?

KW: Well there was two days!

NP: I know! Yes!

SH: Today, I said.

KW: Today is going to be the best day. Oh I see what you mean, today is different to day. Oh Iím so terribly sorry! Oh youíre absolutely right! Oh I withdraw the challenge, I withdraw it!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: So I must give it to him and tell him he has 10 seconds for Aujaine...

KW: Ten seconds! Have you noticed that! Heís going to get in for 10 seconds! Anyone can fill in with 10 rotten seconds, canít they! Do you think thatís fair on me, an old trooper! Do you think thatís fair Peter?

PJ: No, no, I mean...

(KW kisses PJ)

NP: Listen, Kenneth...

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: There are 26 seconds left for you Peter Jones to tell us something about censorship as you see it, starting now.

PJ: Well of course I donít believe there should be any censorship at all, unless you could find exactly the right person to be the censor. Now modesty forbids me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I agree with Peter Jones.

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

CF: Nothing! I think he deserves a point!

NP: See how generous they can be on occasions! And 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Because I think I could be a wonderful censor... ah ship!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

PJ: I said censor before!

CF: I think heíd be a very good censor!

PJ: Yes!

CF: I agree again!

NP: Why have you challenged? You agree again!

CF: Yup!

NP: Youíre not going to have him for hesitation or...

CF: Oh no no!

NP: Heís given you another point...

PJ: Thatís very good!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Kenneth weíre back with you. Will you take the subject of emperors and tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Many names spring to mind. I would mention Hadrian and Marcus of Raeli. Perhaps Erogabilus is an interesting example. He arrived in Rome you know on a dray and had a lot of makeup on. The Seantors are reputed to have made representations and indignant noises about this. But he held full sway and filled every host far and wide, Galle, Britain, Manorca, Majorca, all with posts with his favourite in charge. And I donít blame him because after all if youíve got a bit of authority you may as well splash it about and say "well Iím only here for a short while, might as well enjoy it while we can! And I think, when I look back on my own life, ah yes, Actonís dictum, all power corrupts, that is true...

WHISTLE

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Stephen Iím not going to allow that...

SF: Because youíre an old sweetie!

NP: So because you were interrupted...

SF: Thank you!

DN: Nobodyís ever called him that before!

NP: No! You have 49 seconds to tell us something about BBC radio Wendy starting now.

WR: I have had the good fortune to work for BBC Radio on several occasions. I always enjoy this as I see my dear friend Nicholas Parsons, a pleasure to see any of them...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Iím afraid, repetition of see.

WR: It was.

NP: It was, yes.

SF: As well as hideous sycophancy!

PM: This is coming from someone who called Nicholas sweetie earlier!

WR: I might have been going to say something nice about you!

NP: Paul you had a correct challenge, another point, 34 seconds, BBC radio, starting now.

PM: The BBC Radio Light Entertainment Department has a long and glorious history. If we go back to the 1940s we can recall such shows as Bandwagon, ummm...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy challenged.

PM: Thatís the only one I could recall!

WR: Hesitation.

NP: Twenty...

PM: Emar was the one I was trying to think of.

NP: Oh yes, And Much Binding In The Marsh.

PM: Itís no good to me now is it sweetie?

NP: Twenty-three seconds for you Wendy on BBC radio starting now.

WR: Iíve done several plays on BBC...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

WR: Oh what?

DN: Repetition of done.

WR: I only just started!

NP: Wendy if you...

WR: Itís all right sweetie, donít worry!

NP: Twenty-one seconds Derek on BBC radio starting now.

DN: The gauleiter in charge of BBC Radio is one David Hatch, the first person to direct this particular programme many years ago when he also performed in a very well known wireless programme...

BUZZ

DN: Iím sorry, Iíll read that again!

NP: Stephen Fry.

SF: He said direct this programme, and then a very well known wireless programme.

DN: Whatís wrong with that?

WR: Wireless programme...

SF: Programme, yes, you said it twice.

NP: Programme.

DN: Too many programmes.

SF: I think youíre not allowed to repeat words Derek, I think thatís the clue.

NP: Too many, too many programmes. Right! BBC radio is with you Stephen, eight seconds left starting now.

SF: (Imitating Derek Nimmoís drawl) Of course, the original gauleiter of the BBC was going...

BUZZ

NP: Paul?

PM: Imitation!

NP: Yes!

PM: Very bad one!

NP: So he was deviating from his normal voice!

PM: And incoherent yes! Deviation!

NP: Five seconds for you to tell us something about BBC radio starting now.

PM: The 1950s saw such...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry.

SF: Itís repetition of 19. He was talking about the 1940s earlier on.

NP: Yes you talked about the 1940s before and now youíve got the 1950s. So that is repetition.

PM: Extraordinary decision sweetie!

SF: Heís a honey puckle isnít he?

NP: Iíll never survive this, I really wonít! There are two seconds for you darling on um BBC radio starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, but, but I do think youíre way out in the lead Derek. I think you can allow a ...

DN: I donít think Stephen Fry requires pity!

NP: I just wish him to gain confidence...

WR: Itís all favouritism tonight, isnít it!

NP: No...

WR: Thatís what it is!

DN: Itís all since Stephen called him sweetie, have you noticed? I know, sweetie!

END OF CLIP

NP: The regular players have often noted that the game is not a good means for telling jokes or humourous stories. There are exceptions, and of course youíre winning if you can get the others to want to wait for the punchline. even if you never actually had one!

START OF CLIP

NP: Derek you have the subject and a point and 17 seconds on Capability Brown starting now.

DN: He was very lucky, I think, to find himself, during his formative years, working at the great Garden in Stowe under William Kent. For the first time in his life he was able to make a heart ditto, if you see what I mean because you canít repeat a word...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I donít think he should be allowed to say ditto!

KW: Quite right! Very good point! Hear hear! Quite agree!

NP: You once again got in with one and a half seconds to go starting now.

PJ: His brother was Inability Brown who...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Iím glad...

PJ: He cultivated window boxes!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: There are 19 seconds left on where the money goes starting now.

CF: Thereís not much doubt but we are in a period of great inflation. And as the farmer said to me the other day, "apples are going up" to which I replied "this would come as a severe blow to Sir Isaac Newton!" who spent so much of his life determining...

WHISTLE

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Forty-seven seconds, burglars, Paul, starting now.

PM: About a year ago I had a burglar. I was lucky, I disturbed him, I said "there is no God"....

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: So letís go to Barry Cryer, and now the subject is what I wrote on a wall starting now.

BC: It is a relaxation, a source of solace to me, and I write at my convenience which is the most suitable place. I once write on a wall "Nellie Melba is the toast of the town" and just underneath that I inscribed "I love grils". Returning the following day somebody had written underneath "you mean girls, you fool". And returning the...

BUZZ

BC: ... following day, somebody else had written "no, he doesnít, what about his grils?" The other thing I noticed...

NP: Halfway, halfway, Iím afraid halfway through the joke you were challenged. I let it go because I wanted to hear the payoff.

BC: Well thatís very nice.

NP: I knew the payoff, I wanted the audience to hear the payoff.

PJ: Well letís hear the payoff!

NP: Clement Freud, you actually challenged a time back...

CF: Yes.

NP: What was your challenge?

CF: Repetition of returning.

NP: I donít know, he did return to his convenience three times very rapidly.

BC: Iím not a regular member of the programme.

NP: I know, youíre standing in the boiling water... Anyway Clement Freud you have 32 seconds on what I wrote on a wall starting now.

CF: As I have never done that sort of thing and disapprove very much of obscenic authors in particular, it seems to me the best thing I can do is sing a short song....

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer has challenged.

BC: I would challenge the definition of the word obscenic.

NP: So would I but I wouldnít be able to answer it!

BC: Can it be deviation to challenge the inclusion of a non-existing word?

NP: What about Ian Messiter, what about obscenic, do you think thatís a word?

IAN MESSITER: Itís there.

NP: Itís there, so Iím sorry, Ian Messiterís ruled you out.

PJ: Whatís the difference between obscene and obscenic? Nick, I suppose! Good!

NP: Peter you donít say much when you have the subject but what you say when you havenít is well worth every moment of! Clement Freud has another point and he has eight seconds on what I wrote in a wall starting now.

CF: I did approach this wall and write upon it the word "dap...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo, would you begin the next round. The subject following that one is what I read on a wall starting now.

DN: I remembera wall in Yugoslavia which had something on it, (starts to gabble in Yugoslavian)

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Um, became incoherent. I happen to speak perfect Yugoslavian! And I know that he stumbled over the second syllable!

NP: For that I definitely award you a point for a correct challenge and you have 45 seconds Peter on what I read on a wall starting now.

PJ: Well the door of this toilet was about 9 inches off the floor and it said on the wall "beware of the limbo dancers"! This er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Well actually deviation because he said he read it on the door, he didnít read it on the wall.

NP: I donít mind where he read it, he deserves a point! And he gets a point for a wrong challenge and he carries on with 25 seconds on what I read on a wall, Peter, starting now.

PJ: And in another place I saw on the wall, the Romans came to Shrewsbury in 54 AD and damn all has happened since! And it was signed by an American serviceman who gave his number...

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: Paul the subject is burps. Will you tell us something about that without demonstrating hopefully starting now.

PM: Um a burp is an exhalation of wind. In this country it is not a particularly nice thing to do. It reminds me of a story of this party thatís going on and suddenly one of the guests burps. And the host turns to him and says "how dare you burp before my wife?" And he says "Iím terribly sorry, I didnít know it was her turn." Burping is generally considered rude and ill mannered. Most people would apologise when they do burp...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I let him get the joke but he has done a lot of singular burps. And itís really...

NP: The subjectís called burps and youíve given us a couple of singular burps. Derekís...

PJ: There is one thing worse than a burp. Iím not going to tell you what it is!

PM: That was the original version of that joke in fact!

NP: I know! No the story I know about that is when the Queen was in a carriage on a state occasion and she was riding along with some sovereign from Brunei or somewhere. And the horse in the front let off an incredible excavation of wind from his rear quarters. And the, Her Majesty was very embarrassed and said "oh I do apologise". And the Sultan said "oh itís quite all right, if you hadnít said anything I wouldnít have known."

END OF CLIP

NP: Itís very often everything but the topic that is spoken on which forms the entertainment of the game. And then unexpectedly the subject itself will suddenly prove extremely fertile, or throw up one of the greatest pleasures we all have in Just A Minute, a running joke.

START OF CLIP

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Thatís the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: She was on this pier and was actually covered in hair. I know that sounds fantastic but you see, she was the most extraordinary person I have ever met. And a sort of slushing sound came out on every sibilant. (Imitates slushing sibilants)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of (makes slushing sibilant sound)

KW: Donít be absurd! Thatís not repetition! Thatís not! Donít be absurd! I said (slushing sibilants). Thatís not repetition!

NP: You did, you repeated (slushing sibilant)

KW: Well in that case then, the sound of I and T which reoccurs in a sentence could also be called repetition! Thatís ridiculous! Thank you, thank you! The audience agree..

NP: That might be a part of a word, you made a definite noise, a (slushing sibilant).

KW: If I say (slushing sybillants throughout) you see a stranger across a crowded room, (stops slushing) thatís not repetition! Well I mean, Iím always being unfairly used!

NP: Kenneth youíre...

KW: Theyíre trying to make a butt of me!

NP: Iíll give you a bonus point for your brilliant demonstration but I disagree entirely and Clement Freud has the subject after a repetition and there are 37 seconds left, the most extraordinary person Iíve ever met starting now.

CF: Investigating the appearance carefully it was none other than Nicholas Parsons. About time, people said, as they walked by...

NP: Kenneth you challenged.

KW: Oh did I?

NP: Yes.

KW: What was the basis?

NP: Nicholas Parsons, repetition.

KW: Oh thatís right, he said it before!

NP: So Kenneth you get the subject back and there are 17 seconds on the most extraordinary person Iíve ever met starting now.

KW: He was entirely black and he was on the upper berth of a train...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Heís already established the most extraordinary person heís ever met was covered with hair and was a lady!

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did!

KW: Havenít you ever heard of a sex change? You great... It happened to her!

NP: Kenneth that was a brilliant attempt, Iím tempted to give you another bonus point but actually...

KW: Donít be tempted dear, do it! Go on! Strain yourself!

NP: Even if it was the most extraordinary person in your world that had a sex change, they still couldnít have changed colour!

KW: Yes thatís right!

NP: No, thatís...

KW: Have you ever heard of blacking up?

NP: Oh blacking up! No... there are 13 seconds with you Derek on the most extraordinary person Iíve ever met starting now.

DN: The most extraordinary person that I have ever met was a woman with amazing measurements, 38 breasts, 22...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No woman could have 38 breasts!

DN: I did establish...

KW: I know, I know! You meant bust!

NP: I know! He meant bust!

DN: Thatís why she was extraordinary! I donít expect a normal woman to have 38 breasts! This particular woman...

NP: I think you deviated far too far...

DN: The subject on the card is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Now if I saw a woman come here with 38 breasts, would you not think that was a trifle odd? In fact might you not say this was extraordinary and that was what...

PJ: No, it would only be odd if she had 37!

END OF CLIP

START OF CLIP

NP: And Paul youíve got in with 33 seconds on First Baron George Jeffries starting now.

PM: Whenever I think of the First... Baron... George... Jeffries....

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Iím buzzing because heís actually saying that very slowly because he knows nothing about the First Baron George Jeffries!

NP: Youíre probably completely right! But he didnít actually hesitate and there are 29 seconds on the First Baron George Jeffries starting now.

PM: First... Baron... George... Jeffries was a pub round the...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He said that already!

NP: Thatís the subject...

PJ: Very slowly!

NP: Yes he said that, thatís the subject on the card. You can repeat the subject on the card Peter. I know youíve only been playing the game 25 years, but sometimes things do slip your memory, I realise.

PJ: Thank God itís merciful in that way!

NP: And you still continue Paul with another point, 24 seconds, First Baron George Jeffries starting now.

PM: Well the first Baron George Jeffries...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Heís speaking much more quickly!

NP: Yeah I know!

PM: Itís hormones!

NP: As I know, give Clement a bonus, because he, I gave it to Paul when he was interrupted. Another point for interrupting Paul Merton to him, Paul gets another point and he continues on that subject....

BUZZ

TH: Hang on! I donít get any points and I thought of this idea first!

NP: A point to Tony Hawks...

TH: Thank you!

NP: ... as he hasnít played the game and he thought of it, and a point to Peter because of that lovely remark he made in the last round. So theyíve all got points now and er, Paul Merton continues with 22 seconds on First Baron George Jeffries starting now.

PM: He was of course known as the Hanging Judge and it must have been an extraordinary experience to find yourself facing First Baron George Jeffries in the dock. And youíd look up at those cold blue eyes and realise that even...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hazel actually!

NP: And you were there at the time to have been...

PJ: No, but he happens to have been Baron of Gwent and thatís the town in Shropshire where I was actually born and brought up in. So I do know what Iím talking about!

NP: Well according to my mother, he was one of her ancestors and she said that she had brown eyes.

PJ: Brown! Hazel! Schmazel!

NP: All right, let the audience judge...

PM: What can they judge? What colour Judge Jeffriesí eyes?

NP: That is the whole point...

PM: How could they possibly know?

NP: That is the whole point...

PM: Itís your responsibility as a chairman!

PJ: Anyway I donít think...

NP: Iím opting out of the responsibility! Because I donít know what the colour of the eyes were!

TH: Well Paul did say cold blue eyes, so hazel eyes when theyíre cold do go a little bit blue.

NP: Oh why do you want to make that!

PM: Specially if youíre wearing contact lenses!

NP: Yes! Judge Jeffries always wore contact lenses!


PM: Well youíve just decided heís got hazel eyes!

NP: No thatís the whole point, I didnít decide, the audience decided!

PJ: No, your mother decided! Sheís going to be very upset, isnít she?

NP: Sheís probably up in heaven with Judge Jeffries, or down in hell trying to find out where he is.

PJ: Oh I didnít realise that! What bad taste, I had no idea! I shouldnít have brought her into it at all! I havenít brought my mother into it! Sheís passed away also.

PM: To be honest, I wish Iíd never mentioned his eyes now!

PJ: Quite! You were just trying to eke it out a bit! Make it dramatic!

NP: Well I think weíll get back to playing Just A Minute.

PJ: Right!

NP: Peter you have half a second...

PM: Half a second! Oh yes!

NP: Half a second with hazel eyes of Judge Jeffries starting now.

PJ: Bloody Judge Jeffries!

END OF CLIP

NP: I do hope youíve enjoyed Silver Minutes and are looking forward as much as I am to the next 25 years. For now from all our guests, researcher Mark Louisson, the creator of the game Ian Messiter, producer Sarah Smith, and myself Nicholas Parsons, goodbye until the next time we play Just A Minute! Providing I can survive the onslaught!

START OF CLIP

NP: Forty-four seconds are left on dogs with you Derek starting now.

DN: What I would like them to do are lavatories for dogs, I hate walking along the pavement...

BUZZ

NP: Er..

KW: I donít want to hear this, itís a family show! I donít want to hear about dogs in loos! I think itís a disgrace! I should have the subject back! Deviation! Youíre all with me, arenít you! Yes! And I should be the chairman as well you know! Yes! Because it wants moving on, doesnít it!

NP: Yes! Yes if you were a chairman, and you wouldnít have anybody else speaking...

KW: No, it would be lovely! Itíd be one man, yes!

END OF CLIP

THEME MUSIC

THIRD PART

THEME MUSIC

NP: Welcome to Just A Minute.

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. And welcome to the first in this new series of Just A Minute. And weíre delighted to have our four regular most experienced and most skilled players of the game here, Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo. They have to speak if they can for just 60 seconds on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. Kenneth the subject is the first of a new series, you have Just A Minute and you start now.

KW: Well the first of a new series, I would very much like all those people listening to be able to see this team sitting so composedly, with an audience full of rapt attention, listening to the pearls of wisdom that are going to fall from our lips. As we belong to the EEC, it would be appropriate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of E.

NP: Oh! Clement you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 43 seconds left, the first of a new series starting now.

CF: One of the most pleasant things about being in the first of a new series is that one can sit here quietly and appreciate the full beauty...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: If you sit there quietly, you canít play this game!

NP: Thatís a very good challenge, isnít it!

PJ: Seems reasonable!

NP: It gets you a point for a good challenge Peter...

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: ...and you take over the subject and there are 32 seconds left, the first of a new series, starting now.

PJ: Yes itís nice to look at the rest of the artists who are participating because...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: If you sit there looking at the rest of the artists you canít play this game.

NP: Peter I disagree with the challenge, so you get a point for that and you have 27 seconds on the first of a new series starting now.

PJ: Itís difficult for me to describe them except perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Your light came on.

DN: Iíd like to say welcome to a new series.

NP: And what is your challenge?

DN: It isnít a challenge, I just want to say hello! I thought Iíd be nice and friendly! Rather nice, isnít it.

NP: I donít think that I can give you a bonus point for this challenge...

DN: I donít want one! I donít want any. No charity, I just want to say hello!

NP: As your challenge was incorrect and you interrupted Peter Jones, he naturally gets a point for that and he continues with the subject and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

PJ: What can I say about these others?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: All this what can I say and these beseechings and this repetition. I mean heís already said itís nice to be here! I made all those points. I think the subject should be returned to me! I am after all the person whoís entitled to the subject in the first place!

NP: So what was your challenge Kenneth?


KW: Well deviation.

NP: Peter you have another point and you have 22 seconds left, the first of a new series, starting now.

PJ: Well they are available! Thatís about all I can say about my fellow..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of say.

NP: Yes you did say say before.

PJ: Yes itís so long ago I thought heíd probably forgotten!

NP: Yes and itís jolly difficult having being interrupted so often. Derek Nimmo you have the subject, you have a point, and you have 18 seconds, the first of a new series starting now.

DN: In 1964 I was present at the Wanderers Ground in South Africa to see the first of a new series. My goodness, what a series it turned out to be. The splendid team that we sent out that year clad in their white...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of out. He said in 1953 he was out in South Africa...

NP: Out in South Africa and he was out again...

DN: Absolutely right!

NP: And Peter...

DN: Jolly good! What a keen ear heís got!

NP: Five seconds for you now, Peter Jones, on the first of a new series starting now.

PJ: Well I would like to say, if itís the last thing I do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of say.

NP: Yes you did say before unfortunately. Clement you have three seconds on the first of a new series starting now.

CF: Iíd like to say...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. Didnít start quickly enough at all! Terribly slow!

NP: Not, not for you Peter, but Iím afraid quite enough for the game. Two seconds, Clement, on the first of a new series starting now.

CF: And therefore Iíd like to greet everyone...

BUZZ

NP: Some... Derek Nimmo.

DN: I havenít challenged.

PJ: It must have been a correct challenge...

NP: Well someoneís light...

PJ: ...because you said it was two seconds and he said nothing! First of all it was three seconds...

DN: Well thatís why I did it! I pressed my buzzer a moment ago on the say and it didnít go on. This time I just had a little tentative one...

PJ: Are you blaming your equipment because youíre falling behind?

DN: My buzzerís no good! Iíve got a faulty buzzer! How can you start a new series with a faulty buzzer? Thatís what I want to know!

NP: Your buzzerís...

KW: A bad workman always blames his tools! Oh yes!

PJ: Right!

NP: Your buzzerís perfectly all right, it came...

DN: My buzzerís not working!

PJ: Now my point is...


NP: Yes whatís your point?

PJ: My... Clement had three seconds...

NP: Yes...

PJ: ...in which to make a speech...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...and I buzzed...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...hesitation...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...you then said "now youíve got two seconds"...

NP: But during that second...

PJ: He said nothing!

NP:... he said something.

PJ: What did he say? Nothing!

NP: He did speak, he said, er, a definite phrase, the full content I canít remember, but he did speak...

PJ: Youíre the chairman and you canít remember what the last speaker said?

DN: Itís going to be a rotten series I can tell you!

PJ: I donít know! I think, you know, his buzzer isnít working, you canít rememebr! What chance have we got!

NP: We wonít have a chance in hell if you keep up this much longer! Right, Peter shut up! Kenneth, er, Derek...

KW: I havenít said anything! I think itís a disgrace! I come all the way from Great Portland Street...


DN: Heís losing his nerve!

NP: I said...

PJ: Iím not surprised!

NP: I said once...

DN: I want my buzzer to be repaired!

KW: Leave your buzzer out of it!

NP: I said once the four boys get together, itís all against the chairman! Clement youíve been very very restrained and very civilised. You have another point and one second to go, the first of a new series starting now.

CF: The end of...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud, your turn to begin. What to do with the hole in the do-nut. Thatís the subject that Ian Messiterís thought of for you. So can you talk about what to do with the hole in the do-nut for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Itís pretty difficult to spend 60 seconds discussing what to do with the hole in the do-nut, because when youíve said "fill it", it is left only to discuss the methods of filling and the means whereby this could be affected. Jam is a very popular substance, but lemon curd or even cream has been known to be inserted in the midst of this mass of pastry before it is sugared and fried in deep fat. In the Army where people...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Well it isnít made of pastry. Itís made of dough.

CF: Dough...

PJ: Dough-nut! Itís made of dough!

KW: Amazing really Clem lent himself open there with that! Because heís supposed to be an expert isnít he, on all this food business.

PJ: Exactly! Yes!

KW: Amazing he laid himself open like that!

NP: Itís probably classified as a pastry, but I think we give it to him because of the dough. Donít you Clement?

CF: Yes.

NP: Good! Thirty seconds on what to do with the hole in the do-nut Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: Well of course quite apart from filling it with cream, flavoured or otherwise, you can peer through it at a number of things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation, you really canít!

NP: Well if you lift a do-nut up to your eye, you can peer through it because itís got a large hole.

CF: No, no, no it doesnít come out the other side...

NP: Oh yes, you are thinking, you forget the round do-nuts...

DN: Oh the round do-nuts.

NP: ... that have a hole that goes right through...

DN: A hole right through.

NP: You can put them on your finger.

KW: No, no, no, that is not a do-nut, that is a do-nut ring, which is quite another thing.

NP: Itís still a do-nut! Well if itís not a do-nut, what is it?

KW: Iím afraid, no, Iím afraid Clement is quite right. The hole in the do-nut...

PJ: Itís just the same!

KW: ...is not a do-nut ring! That wouldnít do at all!

NP: I think, Kenneth put it perfectly well...

KW: The perfect...

NP: Oh shut up Kenneth! When he said itís not a do-nut, itís a do-nut ring. Peter Jones you keep the subject and there are 20 seconds on what to do with a hole in the do-nut starting now.

PJ: You can thread raffia through a number of holes in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, there is no question about this! Nobody would go round putting raffia through do-nuts! I can tell you this Iíve never heard such utter rubbish in my life!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: You earlier on accused a member of this team of talking balderdash! You stood there and said it! Sat there actually!

NP: I didnít say anything, Peter Jones said... now listen! If you want to put a bit of raffia through a hole in the do-nut, you can have a wonderful party game by holding it up and seeing who can bite the most out of it! Peter Jones you have another point and you have 17 seconds on what to do with the hole in a do-nut starting now.

PJ: And make a kind of necklace which can be decorative and be very handy if you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, Iíve never seen anyone going around like this! Do-nut necklaces!

NP: Iíve never seen anybody with a do-nut necklace but itís perfectly possible if you were kinky and...

KW: Out of your own mouth youíve convicted yourself, itís deviation...

NP: He has not deviated... he has not deviated from the subject on the card which is what to do with the hole in the do-nut. Heís put raffia round it and heís put it round his neck. He can do what he likes with it, providing he doesnít deviate from the subject. He has 11 seconds on what to do with the hole in the do-nut, Peter Jones, starting now.

PJ: It can be extremely helpful if you feel like a nibble and want to eat something before you take it off...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The one thing you canít nibble is the hole in the do-nut!

PJ: Now I didnít, I didnít say you could eat the hole!

NP: You did establish...

PJ: You make a necklace of the do-nuts and then you nibble them!

KW: Donít try and wriggle out of it mate! Donít try!

DN: Youíre right!

PJ: Whoís right?

DN: You are.

NP: The subject is the hole in the do-nut!

PJ: Heís right! Derek Nimmo says Iím right!



NP: Well Derek Nimmoís against me entirely through the show anyway! You were talking about, the subject is what to do with the hole in the do-nut, and you talked about eating so you were either deviating from the subject or else you were deviating...

PJ: Well naturally you eat the hole with the rest of the do-nut! Itís not done to ignore the hole and leave it at the side of the plate!

NP: All right, they both chalked up metaphorical points for cleverness and rapport and wit! Clement Freud he has a point for a correct challenge. What to do with the hole in the do-nut Clement, four seconds, starting now.

CF: In the Royal Navy there was a directive...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, the Royal Navy has nothing to do with do-nuts, they have rum!

NP: He hadnít got going, he has two seconds left on what to do with the hole in the do-nut starting now.

CF: Whereas the Air Force...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek your turn to begin, the subject bands. Can you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

DN: Quite early on in my career I formed the very first rock and roll band in Great Britain. It was called Dave Shand and his afore-mentioned Band. And why I did this, because therew as a film with Bill Haley and his Comets. It had just been released in Great Britain at that time. And I thought what a wonderful idea it would be if the English public could listen to this new thrilling musical band. And that was what I did. And I went to the Lyceum Theatre in Newport and started by telling the people...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Two starteds and a number of other smaller words repeated.

NP: You donít need to rub it in Peter! One challenge is enough!

PJ: Well it often isnít with you!

NP: I agree with the challenge, Peter, you take over the subject of bands and there are 28 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Now Harry Roy had a wonderful band, and so did Henry Hall. And they used to feature at...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Henry Hallís wasnít that wonderful, was it?

NP: But itís still not deviation because some people thought it was quite good. The subject is still bands, itís still with you Peter, there are 22 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Lou Stone had one that used to play from the Kit-Kat Club. And Maurice Wynoch was another great leader in this era. But perhaps still best of all was a man who happily is still with us...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of still, still with us, still leading musician.

NP: Yes! What a miserable challenge! But itís perfectly correct...

DN: What do you mean? Itís either repetition or itís not! Why should it be miserable if the word...

NP: Well I always remark, I did the same thing with Clement Freud...

KW: No, no I think Nicholas is absolutely right because heís right! No, itís miserable because he is, he is singling out the fact that you are picking on tiny little words which are essential really in usage, ordinary usage. Whereas really repetition is about using a word that is singular in some fashion. Heís been doing it too! He drags everything down! It gets absolutely boring if you keep on nit picking like that! I quite agree with you Nicholas, I think youíve got a very good point there.

NP: Whatís come over him? Thank you very much, Kenneth! I, I, I, Iím overwhelmed! And Peter Jones has, no Iím sorry, Derek, it was a correct challenge so you actually do have the subject. Four seconds on bands starting now.

DN: Ted Heath, Jack Parnell. They are some of the names that come to my mind...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo has taken the lead at the end of that round. Peter your turn to begin, the subject naval displays. Will you tell us something about them in the game starting now.

PJ: Well mostly I suppose theyíre concerned with boats and ships messing about in the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged, yes.

KW: I thought it was a pause there. Hesitation.

NP: Definitely.

PJ: There was, there was.

NP: There was, yes.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I donít think he wanted the subject actually. There are 53 seconds for you to talk about naval displays Kenneth starting now.

KW: The finest naval display youíll ever see is when I get out my navel. And I have got a very special thing which I got through the post called a belly-button brush. And it does the job marvelously! It really gets into all the nooks and crannies. And I feel every bit as satisfied as knocking the head off a boiled egg and feeling that another nationalised industry has been returned to its rightful owners. Because after all people have got no right to take these things over. The Government steps in. What does that mean to us? I donít blame them, I went over there, I said to one of them "you, more power to your elbow mate!" I said "as far as Iím concerned, the best thing they can all do is to down...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why did you challenge?

CF: It was a long way away from navel displays.

PJ: Yes it was, he got as far as his elbow at one point!


NP: Clement Freud has a legitimate challenge with four seconds to go on naval displays starting now.

CF: The whole fleetís lit up, were the words that...


WHISTLE

NP: They were the words of that unfortunate commentator who shall be nameless for obvious reasons. Kenneth the subject is rules, which we have in this show which I try and interpret and thereís one minute to talk about them starting now.

KW: Rules are made to be broken by geniuses. Michelangelo is a case in point, so of course is John McEnroe. And I am among this group as well. Rules exist...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I think heís in the McEnroe Group, but I donít think heís in the er other one!

NP: The Michelangelo Group! All right, what do I do? Give Peter a bonus point because we enjoyed his challenge and leave the subject with Kenneth, but heís got a point because he was interrupted. Forty-seven seconds are left with you Kenneth on rules starting now.

KW: I went to a restaurant called Rules in Maiden Lane, and saw in a tiny alcove, almost hidden from public view, two people having what was obviously a tete a tete... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Which of course in France means my braís too tight! Ah Clement Freud got in first with the challenge, which we all know what it was, tete. And rules is back with you Clement and there are 32 seconds... no itís not back with you, itís the first time youíve spoken on rules, 32 seconds are left starting now.

CF: This is the first time that Iíve spoken on rules and Iím very pleased and grateful to be given this opportunity. We in Westminster who move in the circles of Government spend much time on rules...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He doesnít move in the circles of Government, heís in Opposition! Deviation!

KW: Hahahahahahaha! Yes! Hahahahahahahaha! Oh! Yes!

NP: It was either wish fulfillment or he foresaw the future! So Derek we give it to you with 18 seconds on rules starting now.

DN: The rules of Just A Minute supposedly are that you canít deviate, hesitate or repeat yourself. There are however all kinds of other rules which our chairman invents from time to time. And when heís in a totally...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I think time to time is...

DN: I think so!

NP: Yes.

DN: Itís as bad as tete a tete, I think!

NP: And five seconds are left for you Clement on rules starting now.

CF: In football it is for instance essential to have one man between you and the goal...

WHISTLE

NP: Well with the subject of rules Clement Freud has surged ahead and itís also his turn to begin. The subject is my forebears. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: My four bears were called Desmond, Montorenski, Charles and Fred. And they were hooked on Goldilocks and adored honey. In fact they ate more of that sweetmeat than any other bears that Iíve come across. My children when they came home from work at night used to say "will you tell us a story about your four bears?" And I would sit down and say once upon a time there were four bears. Marigold, Charles, Sonia, Deirdre. It was a different story from the one that I was going to tell you before. And they adored it. In fact some of them stopped, went on to the unemployment register, simply so that they could stay in the sitting room or lounge of the house and listen to other recantations of an animal nature such as this. The four bears that I had were a grandfather, mother, uncle...

WHISTLE

NP: Well with tremendous effort and almost teetering on the brink of pausing, Clement Freud kept going and with great forbearance from the other three, he spoke for 60 seconds without being interrupted. He gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus point for not being interrupted. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is cheek. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: This is something which we all have four of. Two in the lower extremity and the same number in the higher. Now if you turn the other cheek in the Biblical sense, it means that instead of asking for an eye for a yer, or a tooth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, you were, you were struggling so well there Derek to get out of it. An eye for a yer! Fantastic! Forty-two seconds for Clement has the subject of cheek now starting now.

PJ: Very good that!

CF: Cheek is when someone of diminished responsibility goes to the British Broadcasting Corporation and elects to be chairman of a panel game. On the basis that he might have some idea of how to control people whose multi-syllabic words he doesnít understand, whose meaning he is unable to comprehend and whose hours and times he is unable to keep. Iíve now said unable three times, and because nobodyís interrupted me, only...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, Iím not interrupting because Iím enjoying it!

NP: Another reason that you werenít interrupted is because no-one could hear it because Kenneth Williams was making the audience laugh so much! So Peter what was your challenge?

PJ: Deviation.

NP: What of?

PJ: He mentioned something three times.

NP: Repetition of unable, right.

PJ: What?

NP: Peter you take over the subject of cheek and there are 15 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Itíll get you a long way. I had an uncle who took me to the pictures once during the war at the Empire, Leicester Square, which had a notice above the box office which said "forces, half price". He put down half the money...

BUZZ

PJ: ...and he said "Secret Service" and they let him in!

NP: But Clement Freud challenged before the payoffs. So Clement, what was it?

CF: Repetition of half.

NP: Yes Iím sorry Peter. Good story. Four seconds before the end and you were interrupted, cheek is back with Clement, and what cheek as well starting now.

CF: Sideburns are things that grow all the way down...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they all got points in that round but Kenneth Williams is still in the lead, one ahead of the second which is Clement Freud and Kenneth you also begin the next round. The subject is stopping hiccups. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KW: You must alter the rhythms that have been established in the sarspiratory diaphragm. So consequently you must breathe in a different way. One of the best tips I can give you is to inhale deeply and then recite a long piece. Such as the old order changes (gets faster and faster into full-on Kenneth Williams gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Youíd be better off with the hiccups!

NP: So we give Peter Jones a bonus point for his delightful remark and also another point for a correct challenge because heíd deviated from hiccups on to a recitation of er a poem which we couldnít understand! Peter you have 23 seconds on stopping hiccups starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Yes Kenneth you challenged.

KW: What is, how, how did the subject get taken away from me? What, what is the grounds?

NP: Because you deviated from hiccups, you were just reciting something.

KW: On the contrary, I was describing a remedy and he...

NP: I know but your remedy went...

KW: He didnít challenge. He said "youíd be better off with the hiccups". He didnít express a challenge. He was just making a funny remark and the audience, for some peculiar reason...

NP: Well I thought, I thought...

KW: ...found this very comic! I donít find it funny! Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street and Iím not here to be made fun of! Do you think Iím some object of ridicule? Do you think thatís what I am?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OF "YES"

PJ: Yes!

DN: Can we put that to the audience?

KW: Well he obviously has done!

NP: I mean, as chairman it is my very difficult decision to try and make judgements and decisions and my decision that you were deviating.

DN: You just said that he was a very good chairman, didnít you.

KW: Yeah I did, I know.

NP: But those thoughts in any panellists minds amongst these four never last for very long, I notice. So Peter you still have 23 seconds on the subject of stopping hiccups starting now.

PJ: Well you can try and drink a glass of water while youíre standing on your head. But I remember when my little daughter had it, she was so badly affected by this hiccups that I suddenly decided to give her a surprise and I pretended to have a heart attack! And it was so realistic and some mind-boggling that she was terribly upset. She did have the er...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject pleasantries, starting now.

PJ: Well they are those little things, not exactly jokes or even quips. But...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Derek. You have a correct challenge and you have 53 seconds on pleasantries starting now.

DN: Whatho old fruit! How frightfully nice to see you! It is a lovely day! Oh my goodness me! Isnít it a long time since we last met! What a jokey chap you are! I know Freddie, Bertie boy! Youíre looking absolutely marvelous! Mary how is your cousin George! Oh I do remember Auntie Mabel last time she came across from across the Channel! I do think itís quite simply lovely! I....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: What, absolutely right.

NP: He did say it quite a lot didnít he. Clement you have a point and 31 seconds for pleasantries starting now.

CF: Come and have tea with me and listen to my doilies is the sort of plea...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, you canít listen to a doily! Iíve never held an intelligent conversation with a doily in my life!

NP: No!

KW: Doilies are under cakes, arenít they?

NP: Yes!

KW: Theyíre just lying there arenít they! Iíve never talked to one.

CF: Or next to Cartes!

KW: Oh! You mean DíOyly Carte. Oh I see. Oh you mean you know the family?

NP: Well um Kenneth we would like to hear from you and I think that doilies does sound like doilies and I donít think many people talk about DíOyly Carte as doilies. And Mr DíOyly Carte himself would turn in his grave at the thought of it.

KW: Quite right!

NP: So Kenneth weíll give it to you and say that you have 26 seconds on pleasantries starting now.

KW: They range from "whatícher, cock?" which of course is pretty ruuude in the sense of cruuude, not in any...


BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

NP: It was very rude! But as itís the last round...

DN: Repetition, it was repetition.

NP: I know itís repetition but as itís the last round and you couldnít possibly win...

KW: I didnít repeat, I said rude in the sense of crude. Whereís the repetition, dearie?

NP: Iím sorry...

KW: You want to wash your ears out!

PJ: I thought he said rude twice.

KW: Of course I didnít, you great fool! I mean I donít know why heís sitting over there! Why donít they give him a hearing aid!

DN: Three of us!

NP: Iím afraid most of the audience thought you said rude twice.

CF: No, no!

KW: Did I?

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís all right, weíre all on his side. You donít have to shout for him like that. Even if he said rude twice, I was still going to leave it with him for the end of the show. Because he started and we want him to finish.

CF: Itís pathetic when you...

NP: Nineteen seconds starting now.

KW: Let all the rest depart and only some several dukes and I shall in this stately conclave make departure and thus with all our minds on one intent shall no... I said shall twice...

BUZZ

NP: Why didnít you keep going? Clement Freud what have you challenged for?

CF: Three shalls.

NP: All right we have to give it to you coz it was a correct challenge. There are six seconds on pleasantries starting now.

CF: In the evening when the lights are dim and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter, you have three seconds on pleasantries starting now.

PJ: I threw the money on the bed and I said to the girlís father...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. Weíve really enjoyed playing it. Iíve even enjoyed them being rude to me for once! It only remains for me to say on behalf of all four of them and of course the person whoís been keeping the score, writing it down and blowing her whistle, and of course the man who invented the game which means we keep working and that is Ian Messiter and our director who also helps us to keep working by employing us, and myself Nicholas Parsons, we hope youíve enjoyed it and will want to tune in again the same time when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

FOURTH PART

THEME MUSIC

NP: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. We welcome on the panel this week our four regular witty impossible irrepressible players of the game. And theyíre going to try and talk as usual if they can on the subject I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud. And Clement the subject that Ian Messiterís chosen is the best game. Will you tell us something about that in the contest starting now.

CF: The very best game is when two people go into a room, each with a bottle of whiskey, and they drink that all is therein. And then one of them goes out, knocks on the door and the other has to guess who it is. Quite a good game which could just go for the best game is to approach the chairman of Just A Minute with a stinkbomb. You, you step on it and the smell is so absolutely foul the entire programme has to be put back by quarter of an hour, causing enormous distress and inconvenience to the competitors who has appointments for dinner and were in fact moving to Cambridgeshire in order that elderly ladies with nothing better to do than wait for their Member of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís not talking about the best game now, heís complaining about being late for a dinner appointment!

NP: I think he had got well away from the best game. So Derek you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of the best game starting now.

DN: Almost the best game in my experience is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well heís talking about almost the best game. Thatís not any good.

NP: Well I think it doesnít matter Peter, you could say almost the best game or the very best game or not the best game.

PJ: I thought we wanted to talk about the best game. Isnít that the subject? The best game!

NP: Heís not..

PJ: Well almost the best game isnít the best game!

CF: Quite right!

PJ: Itís almost the best game!

NP: I think thatís one of those impossible decisions that I have to make on occasions. So what I will do...

PJ: Itís not, itís a very easy decision! Itís just you find it impossible to make it!

NP: No I find it quite easy to make it but the trouble is Iím going to get all kinds of brickbats if everybody can interpret it in different ways. Iím going to let the audience...

CF: Well we just havenít got the best chairman, have we?

NP: Iím going to let the audience er, Iím going to let you judge. So if you agree with Peterís challenge then you all cheer for him and if you disagree then you all boo against him and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the cheers have it Peter, so you have the subject and you have 12 seconds on the best game starting now.

PJ: Well I think patience played with cards is probably the best game. Because it means that thereís no...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he said you canít have almost, now heís saying probably!

NP: Probably the best game, yes! So by the same token you have seven seconds to take over the subject of the best game starting now.

KW: The best game should be allowed to hang for as long as possible before you actually consume it. Otherwise the flavour...

WHISTLE

NP: So when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Kenneth Williams and Iím sure youíll be delighted to hear at the end of that round he has a commanding lead over all the others! In fact he has 100 percent more marks than they have. He has two and two of them have one and Clement Freud... Derek, will you tell us something about parbuckles in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: My son, Piers James Alexander Nimmo, is at a preparatory school called The Dragon in Oxford. And his housemaster is named Richard Kershaw Sudbury "Pa" Buckles. The reason they call him Pa Buckles is of course heís a father himself. And all the boys lovingly shout every morning "hello Pa Buckles" when he comes down the stairs, with his handy slipper which he whacks them with! And sometimes on the games field in the middle of the game of rugby, with the Fijians around, heís been known to cry ... "Pa Buckles..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

DN: Very boring subject isnít it!

CF: Hesitation!

NP: Yes there was a hesitation. And what on earth, Iíd have thought deviation, all those Fijians at his sonís school, I donít believe it for a minute! Er Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and you take over the subject of parbuckles and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: Parbuckles is sort of nautical. Like a rope which they call a sheath. Or it might even be a knot which they call a clove hitch, lasso, or noose...



BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, it is not a knot.

NP: No, but he said it could be...

KW: It canít be a knot! It is a rope!

NP: He was giving an example of how this word...

KW: Parbuckle is a rope, it canít be a knot! Itís a rope, itís got to go up and down! A knot canít go and down! What are you talking about? A knotís for tying, you great nit! Heís an idiot! He doesnít know anything! Heís never read a dictionary!

NP: He was sticking to the subject of parbuckles and giving examples of a different kind and...

DN: He canít be...

KW: How can a knot be... what are you talking about? Itís a rope for raising and lowering articles! How can it be a knot!

NP: It is not a knot! And Iím not going to have an argument about it...

KW: He said it could be a knot, itís deviation, it canít be a knot!

PJ: But it doesnít matter, itís not er...

KW: Why, it matters to me! It matters very much to me! What do you mean it doesnít matter! I think itís important that these people here are given an accurate account of these things, otherwise theyíre going out of this place, full of misinformation!

PJ: But a few, a few weeks ago...

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: Is that what you want, a nation of illiterates walking round not knowing, not having any idea all their lives, what a parbuckle is!They want to know, theyíre throbbing with it, arenít they! That lady there, sheís dieing to know what a real parbuckle is and I happen to know!

NP: Kenneth! Clementís already told us what a real parbuckle is but heís given us an example, youíve done your little bit, the audience loved it. Weíll get back to the contest, it was an incorrect challenge. Clement wasnít deviating from the subject, he keeps it, there are 13 seconds left starting now.

CF: In a shipís chandlerís shop in Leyton buzzer...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of ships.

NP: Yes, you did mention the word ships before...

CF: Not ships chandler, ship-apostrophe-S chandler.

NP: Youíre quite right, yes it was ships before and this was ship-apostrophe-S, Iím sorry Clement...

DN: Well is that...

NP: Ten seconds...

DN: Oh for goodness sale! Really!

NP: ... on parbuckles starting ...

DN: Since he was a prefect at school youíve always been terrified of Freud havenít you!

KW: Yes! Heís right! Yes! Right, yes! Thatís true!

DN: If anybody else on the team had said ships twice...

NP: I try to be...

DN: Ships-apostrophe-s! A load of rubbish! You ought to resign!

KW: Resign!

DN: Resign!

KW: Resign!

DN: Shall we ask the audience if Parsons should resign?

KW: Heís a rotten chairman!

NP: All right the man who thought of the game is sitting beside me, S-apostrophes and plurals, are they different words?

KW: Itís no good asking him!

IAN MESSITER: Yes they are!

NP: Thank you, so I was right to give Clement Freud....

DN: If youíre given a word like checks, it can be all different kinds, it can be checks with an apostrophe...

NP: The man who thought of the game says that the decision was right...

DN: It takes a plural!

NP: ... so Clement keeps the subject and there are nine and a half seconds on parbuckles starting now.

CF: And they strung up the chairman by a parbuckle...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: No because a parbuckle can only be used for carrying cylindrical objects...

NP: Yes...

CF: What do you think of the...

DN: I withdraw my challenge! Iím sorry! I withdraw my challenge! Iím sorry!

NP: Iím a cylindrical object that could be strung up by a parbuckle. Derek Nimmoís with parbuckle, with four and a half seconds starting now.

DN: Barrels can be hoisted up by parbuckles onto the top of a roof where they will be found to be very useful...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Thatís the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The most extraordinary person I ever met was actually covered in... donít do that! Heís doing it deliberately!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

KW: Heís just...

PJ: Hesitation!

KW: No I wasnít hesitating, I was saying donít do that. Heís just sitting there, looking at me and making faces, funny faces and trying to put me off.

PJ: Well I know! And he succeeded!

KW: Ah thatís not in the rules, the rules of the game state that you should be allowed to proceed...

CF: No, no, no!

KW: It does!

NP: Thereís nothing about being allowed to proceed!

DN: According to Nicholas Parsons...

KW: It does! It says in the book without let or hindrance! Itís in the book!

NP: Now thereís a book about it! Youíre making up new rules as you go along! Kenneth I do believe that you were obstructed and...

KW: Thank you!

NP: ... I donít think thatís fair play!

KW: Thank you, yes.

NP: And I said before I like to see fair play. So Iím not going to allow the challenge and you keep the subject, and you have 53 seconds on the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

KW: She was on this pier and was actually covered in hair. I know that sounds fantastic but you see it was the most extraordinary person I have ever met. And a certain slushing sound came out on every sibilant (makes slushing sounds)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of (slushing sound)

KW: Donít be absurd! Thatís not repetition! Thatís not, donít be absurd, I said (slushing sounds)

NP: Yes! You did! You repeated (slushing sound)

KW: In that case then the sound of I and T which recurs in a sentence could also be called repetition! Thatís rid... Thank you! Thank you!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: The audience is with me and theyíre obviously...

NP: The I and T is part of a word. You made a definite noise, (slushing sound)

KW: Donít be absurd, I said on the sibillants there was a slushing sound and then illustrated it. If youíre going to tell me you canít illustrate it...

PJ: You illustrated it...

KW: ... you might as well say oh consonants are in the line as well, so are vowels!

NP: Well Kenneth if I was taking you literally you could go through the whole of that with only (slushing sounds) for 60 seconds.

KW: If I say some(slushing sounds) enchanted evening you could s(slush)ee a s(slush)tranger across(slush) a crowded room, thatís not repetition! Thatís not repetition! Well I mean Iím always being unfairly used!

NP: Kenneth youíre...

KW: They try to make a butt of me!

NP: Kenneth youíre not unfairly used, I give you a tremendous amount of rope and you invariably hang with yourself with it! But Iíll give you a bonus point for your brilliant demonstration but I disagree entirely. And Clement Freud has the subject after repetition and there are 37 seconds left, the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

CF: The most extraordinary person I have ever met was hanging from a parbuckle and looked like a cylindrical object! He swung backwards and forwards in the high wind. And investigating the appearance carefully, it was none other than Nicholas Parsons our chairman. About time, people said as they were walking by...

NP: Kenneth you challenged!

KW: Oh did I?

NP: Yes!

KW: What was the basis?

NP: Nicholas Parsons, repetition.

KW: Oh thatís right, he said it before!

NP: And we donít want too much of him in this show, do we! So Kenneth you get the subject back and there are 17 seconds on the most extraordinary person Iíve ever met starting now.

KW: He was entirely black and was in the upper berth of a train which was leaving...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís already established that the most extraordinary person heís ever met was covered with hair and was a lady.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did!

KW: Havenít you ever heard of a sex change? You great fool! Itís happening all the time!

NP: Kenneth, actually it was a brilliant attempt. Iím tempted to give you another bonus point. But actually...

KW: Donít be tempted, dear! Do it! Go on! Strain yourself!

NP: But even if the most extraordinary person in your world had had a sex change, they still couldnít have changed colour!

KW: Yes thatís right!

NP: No... thatís right yes!

KW: Havenít you heard of blacking up?

NP: Oh blacking up! No, Iím sorry! Back to the subject, there are 13 seconds with you Derek on the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

DN: The most extraordinary person that I have ever met was a woman with amazing measurements, 38 breasts, 22...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No woman could have 38 breasts!

DN: I... I did establish...

KW: I know, I know, you meant bust.

DN: No!

NP: He meant bust!

DN: Thatís why she was extraordinary! I mean I donít expect a normal woman to have 38 breasts! It was just this particular woman, thatís why...

NP: I think you deviated far too far...

DN: The subject on the card is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. If I saw, if you saw a woman come in here with 38 breasts, would you not think that was a trifle odd? In fact, might you not say this was extraordinary? That was what I was doing.

PJ: No, itíd only be odd if she had 37!

NP: By any token, I think Peter Jones deserves the subject! Heís going to have it, heís got his first point in this game actually. And he was our winner recently. Ah Peter you have four seconds to take over the subject of the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

PJ: This woman wore evening dress with a cricket belt round her waist and she had...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was one of those subjects that produced all the hilarity that we enjoy so much in the game. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, blowing bubbles. Talk on blowing bubbles, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I remember I used to be sat in my garden, in a little slot, with a bowl in front of me and a clay pipe with which to blow the bubbles. I used to push down the thing and away they would work, through the cherry blossom and through all kinds of manner of spring flowers...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said through at least twice.

NP: He did say through twice, yes, he repeated the word through. And so you have a correct challenge Peter, you take over the subject, a point for a correct challenge of course and there are 44 seconds for blowing bubbles starting now.

PJ: Well itís really no occupation for a grown man. Or a woman for that matter. They last very little time and theyíre not particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Men and women last for a very little time?

PJ: The bubbles.

NP: He had established in my mind that the bubbles didnít last because we...

PJ: Well, my God! If I established it in your mind, it should have been clear to Clement!

NP: I can see weíre going to finish the series the way we started it! Yes! But in spite of the remarks I will show you how fair I am. Peter I disagree with the challenge so you have a point and you keep the subject, you have 37 seconds, blowing bubbles, starting now.

PJ: And theyíre not really very pretty. You can get the same effect by treading on a piece of orange peel in a puddle. All the same colours of the rainbow emerge. And of course they last a great deal longer. But blowing bubbles...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I did, didnít I?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes you must remember.

CF: There was a hesitation, it wasnít very long.

NP: I know and it wasnít...

CF: I wouldnít allow it!

NP: It wasnít long enough to be penalised.

CF: No, no I agree.

NP: But you tried hard...

CF: Yes I did.

NP: ..as always. And there are 23 seconds on blowing bubbles still with Peter starting now.

PJ: I suppose if I really set about it and could equip myself with the right kind of plastic and a pipe which would um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: There was hesitation there, yes. There are 14, 13 seconds for blowing bubbles with you Derek starting now.

DN: Iím forever blowing bubbles! Pretty bubbles in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: Forever blowing bubbles.

NP: A clever challenge, we give Clement a bonus for his cleverness, Derek Nimmo a point for an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject and continues with 10 seconds starting now.

DN: (singing) They fly so high, nearly reach the sky. (speaking voice) Shall we have a chorus all together?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: One two three! (sings) Iím forever blowing bubbles...

AUDIENCE SINGS WITH DN "IíM FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES"

WHISTLE

NP: Well thatís one point for Derek Nimmo for speaking when the whistle went and 10 points for the audience! In fact as there were quite a few, letís give a hundred points to the audience and then theyíll be the winners at the end because they wonít be able to get that score, will they! Kenneth the subject is jockeys. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: They race down the course at Epsom and Ascot...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: They donít! Itís the horses!

NP: Itís a lovely challenge! Letís give a point to Clement for that lovely challenge, but, but metaphorically speaking Iím sure that a lot of people say that jockeys are racing because they race on the horses. So Kenneth, keep the subject, you started with it and you have 51 seconds left starting now.

KW: They have given their name to a most famous item of underwear. And everyone has reason to be deeply grateful for this incredible service. I have found...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well not everybody! Ladies donít have to be grateful!

NP: Well I think some ladies do wear jockey pants, donít they?


CF: And others are grateful to people who wear them!

NP: No, itís a good idea, but I donít think actually, no, he was deviating from the subject...

DN: But I mean sort of Hawaiian gentlemen arenít grateful for jockey pants because they donít wear them. What about all the Scottish listeners that weíve got? Underneath their kilt they havenít got any jockey pants. Not everyone is grateful to them!

PJ: Sorry, the conversationís going the same way again!

NP: The garden worms arenít grateful! Kenneth you continue with the subject, there are 41 seconds left with jockeys starting now.

KW: A well established fact for jockeys is they need to be light, which is why I am such a brilliant exponent of the art. When I appear they cry "here he comes, Mr Lightweight himself!" "Always welcome at Newmarket, Ken boy!" they shout as I enter the arena wearing the colours of course of my favourite employer. Will I name him? No, obviously in a case like this, Iíd better not because I would be accused, would I not, of a cheap publicity. And that is something I would never stoop to! No, I am a man of principle! Youíve only got to look at me and you say "hereís a jockey with principle! Heís never running a dirty race! Heís..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Oh, what was your challenge?

CF: Two principles. But I take it back!

KW: No, no, you have it boy! You have it Clement boy! Good old Clement boy! No, you go on, have a go, love!

NP: Well Kenneth is very generously, he was really in full flow there, I think heíd almost won the race actually in his imagination! Um, but Iíd love to see him on a horse! The um, Clement there are two and a half seconds with jockeys starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Yes, Peter Jones?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! So itís neck and neck still between our two leaders. There are one and a half seconds on jockeys with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Theyíre not as nice as boxer shorts!

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo is still in the lead, Clement Freud has pulled up a little into second place, one ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth is in fourth place. And Peter begins the next round. Peter the subject is the writing on the wall. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I saw this poster saying :in outer space no-one can hear you scream" and someone had written underneath...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well itís the writing on the wall, not on a poster.

PJ: Well the poster was on the wall.

CF: But the writing was on the poster.

NP: Oh I think... all right, listen. I think we give him a point for a very clever challenge but he wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject. So Peter keeps the subject...

PJ: How can it be a clever challenge if heís er challenging something that I havenít done? I donít understand.

NP: Because the writing was on...

PJ: I thought it was an idiotic challenge!

NP: ...the poster, not on the wall. The poster was on the wall but the writing was on the poster so thereís a subtlety and so I give a point to him for spotting that...

KW: You call that subtle? Oh dear! Hahaha! Itís like a cartload of monkeys! What rubbish!

NP: Right Peter, the writing on the wall is still with you and you have 47 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And I often find that on the walls of different places that I visit, the most amusing comments by humorists who are really quite inventive. Like the classic one: a happy Christmas to all our readers! I always enjoy that. It comes round at least once a year. And the er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well there was a lot of erring going on.

NP: Yes. He was er...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: He erred indeed there and there are 26 seconds for you to talk on the writing on the wall starting now.

KW: The moving finger writes and having writ moves on. Nor all your prayers...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well if you canít... I mean the finger canít actually write. This is a Freud type challenge! It has to be, it has to be holding a pen, pencil, piece of chalk, ballpoint or whatever.

NP: If weíre going to have all these kinds of metaphysical challenges...

PJ: Is that metaphysical?

NP: Well what the... I donít know, you canít... go on, do you want the audience to judge on this one?

PJ: No, just the extra point, congratulations and move on!

NP: Peter I think youíre absolutely incredible. Congratulations! Thatís a marvellously clever and inventive challenge.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: You get a bonus point for that, Iíve never heard such subtlety and wit and metaphysical thinking and erudition.


PJ: Very good.

NP: And so you have a bonus point for your impossible challenge.

PJ: Well done!

NP: Kenneth Williams keeps the subject with 17 seconds on the writing on the wall starting now.

KW: When something is presaged propitiously they often say he has seen the writing on the wall. Meaning that he has gained through this prescient nature some indication of what will occur in time...

WHISTLE

NP: So much to the pleasure of our audience Kenneth Williams kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and is still in fourth place. But heís only just behind Peter Jones and heís only one point behind our joint leaders who are now Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. This is the last show in the present series and so weíve got a very apt subject, when we meet again, which we all ardently hope. So will you talk on the subject Derek in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: When we meet again. Gosh! It canít be for at least six months, I suppose. With any luck I hope perhaps we might never meet some of the people in this team ever again. But I suppose it could happen. But then when we do confront one another, weíll have all the same boring things to say. Weíve been chatting to one another for the last 11 years...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged?

KW: Itís deviation. Heís maintained that we have boring things to say! Me, boring? I mean thatís the most disgraceful allegation Iíve ever heard! Now everybody knows I am the spirit, the party spirit! People say to me youíre the life and soul! I mean they all think Iím the most diverting, original, brilliant, energetic creature that ever walked across the stage! And there he is sitting there, saying I talk boring rubbish! I mean!

NP: Well I must say that is the first time, thatís the first time Iíve heard anybody promote themselves and get a round of applause for it! So by that do I assume that you mean that Kenneth Williams... Iím sorry, itís my cold. Kenneth Williamsí challenge is correct and he should have the subject?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth will you tell us something about when we meet again, and there are 37 seconds left, starting now.

KW: When we meet again, the spirit of bwah!

BUZZ

KW: I meant to say joie de vivre! But then I thought bonnet over the windmill and it came out as bwah! I canít make it bwah for long! Hahhahaha! I was dying to!

NP: So Clement Freud challenged.

KW: You can understand my predicament!

NP: Yes, yes! We often...

KW: I was ejaculating like mad then!

NP: Clement what is your challenge?

CF: Hesitation!

NP: Yes there were a lot of other things as well. So this may be the last round so it looks as though weíre going to hear from all four of our worthy panelists. And there are 33 seconds left Clement for when we meet again starting now.

CF: When we meet again thereís every likelihood that each of us will be wearing the same awful boring clothes which we now have on. Because if ever there was sartorially a shoddy show, this one has got to be it. With the occasional departure from total inelegance...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I canít allow him to drone on like this. Because heís committing professional suicide by advertising! I mean a lot of people donít realise itís boring! Theyíve been enjoying it!

NP: And a lot of people know that there are some very well dressed people on this programme! Including yourself and Derek Nimmo and er, weíre not going to mention anyone else! So weíre going to hear from you which is very nice Peter! Weíve heard from everybody in this last round! There are 14 seconds, when we meet again, starting now.

PJ: Well I only hope that we shall be given more interesting subjects! Iíd like to talk about Marcel Proust in his later years for instance, and not have this subject given to Kenneth Williams...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of subjects. But we havenít heard from Ian Messiter perhaps.

NP: Well Ian Messiter, there are two seconds left. Will you take over the subject now of when we meet again starting now.

IM: Iím very glad youíve asked me to talk about the subject of when weíll meet again because timeís up!

WHISTLE

NP: So Ian Messiter gets a point for speaking when the whistle went and at the end of that round, which is also the end of the contest, I will now give you the final score. Ian Messiter gained one point, he finishes in fifth place. Heís never spoken before in the game and heís not likely to do it again! Three seconds he kept going so we must applaud him for his arduous attempts. If I havenít mentioned it enough already this is the end of this particular series of Just A Minute so Iím sure each one of our four regular panelists would like to briefly say goodbye. So first of all Kenneth?

KW: Byebye! And thank you ever so much! Itís been really wonderful for you to have me!

NP: Clement, Clement Freud?

CF: With which sentiment I would like to, I would like to associate myself.

NP: You would! Peter Jones?

PJ: Iíll say bye ditto, in case somebody buzzes me and accuses me of repetition!

NP: And Derek Nimmo.

DN: Good-bye.

THEME MUSIC