JAM:CFreud,LSmith,JClary,SWilliams
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, LINDA SMITH, JULIAN CLARY and SIMON WILLIAMS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 February 2000)

NOTE: Simon Williams's first appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and also to welcome the four diverting and diverse personalities who this week have joined me to play Just A Minute. We welcome back with tremendous pleasure that popular and original comedian Julian Clary, the talented comedy performer with her own original style Linda Smith, an original in every sense of the word and an original member of the Just A Minute team, that is Clement Freud. And we welcome someone whoís never played the game before, from the legitimate theatre, an actor, Simon Williams. But would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score and blow her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this [articular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Britannia Royal Naval College in Dartmouth. And we have before us here a wonderful naval audience. And they are going to cheer us on our way let us now pull anchor and sail forth into Just A Minute as we begin the show with Clement Freud. And Clement, how apt for this show from a naval college. Casting off. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Casting off is a cinematographic term...

BUZZ

NP: And er Julian has challenged already.

JULIAN CLARY: Did you trip over a word there?


NP: Yes I call that a hesitation.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

JC: Do you really expect me not to deviate? Thatís my bread and butter, thatís how I earn a living!

NP: Youíve captivated the audience already Julian! Julian you have a correct challenge so you get a point for that of course, you take over the subject, you have 57 seconds available and it is now still casting off, starting now.

JC: Casting off as I understand it is a knitting term.

BUZZ

NP: Linda Smith has challenged you.

LINDA SMITH: Well interestingly Julian you werenít deviating but you were hesitating which isnít like you!

NP: I know...

JC: I was simply pausing for breath!

NP: So Linda has a point, she takes over the subject, casting off, 51 seconds, starting now.

LS: Casting off has a theatrical meaning. It means when the casting is a little bit off in a film or play. For example if you were to see a show and it was called Simon Williams is Arthur Mullard in the bio-pic of that... name, then...

BUZZ

NP: Right Simon you have challenged.

SIMON WILLIAMS: She was hoisted on her own petard trying to cast me aside into a bio-pic of East Enders dimensions I suspect.

NP: So what is your challenge within...

SW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, definitely hesitation.

SW: A bad piece of casting as well!

NP: Yes and you have your first chance to cast off in Just A Minute as you talk on the subject and there are 36 seconds available starting now.

SW: It is indeed something an actor lives for, to be cast. And when an agent calls and tells, tells us that we have...

BUZZ

NP: Julian, yes?

JC: Hesitation there.

NP: Yes a stumble there which we interpret as hesitation in this game. Julian, casting off is back with you, 29 seconds available starting now.

JC: My mother once produced a... jumper with green sleeves...

BUZZ

NP: Another hesitation, 25 seconds available, Clement, casting off starting now.

CF: A director would say ďnot Demi Moore, nor Jodie Foster, we will... certainly not... fail to... cast...

BUZZ

NP: Simon Williams challenged.

SW: Did we have a repetition of not there?

CF: No.

NP: There was not not. Thatís very keen but it wasnít a correct challenge...

SW: It was the thought of Demi Moore! Put me off my stride!

NP: An incorrect challenge on this occasion, so a point to the man who was speaking, in this case Clement Freud. Clement you have 15 seconds still available, casting off, starting now.

CF: During the war it was very important to knit. And everybody who didnít fight in the Army, the Navy or the Air Force had to do something useful. I had a cotton reel with four nails stuck into it. And had a sort of lever which was called a needle...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud and at the end of that round he has a lead of one over all the others who also have two points. So heís three, theyíre two. And Linda weíd like you to take the next round. The subject, name dropping. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

LS: Name dropping. Name dropping is a ridiculous and pathetic practice ... done by...

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: She hesitated.

NP: She did indeed yes. Some early hesitations in the show this week. Fifty-four seconds available, name droppingís with you Julian starting now.

JC: If I was chatting to some sailors in the local bar, and I slipped into the conversation the word Lesley Joseph, sheís a very close personal show business friend. Then that would be a fine example of name dropping. Um...

BUZZ

JC: Thatís all I have to say!

NP: Yes that was a hesitation. Lindaís got the subject back again, 41 seconds, name dropping Linda starting now.

LS: Some silly people try to make themselves seem more important than they actually are by dropping the names of illustrious personages into conversations as if these beings were close personal friends. Itís ridiculous as I was saying to Robert DeNiro just the other day, when he was round my house having a cup of tea with Dame Judi Dench, lovely Judi, she is a darling...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two Judis.

NP: There were two Judis.

LS: Can there be too many?

NP: No. You canít really have enough of Judi Dench but if you repeat her name in Just A Minute itís repetition. And 16 seconds is for you Clement with another point on name dropping starting now.

CF: I was at a Buckingham Palace garden party and was presented to Her Majesty the Queen and I turned to her Edward Heath who was talking to Alec Douglas-Home, and I said ďI do hate name droppers and also people who wonít blow the whistle when youíve spoken for 60 seconds!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then cleverly speaking as the whistle went and gained the extra point for doing so. And Simon Williams, itís your turn to begin. The subject is pet hates. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

SW: Canaries, budgerigars, chihuahuas, tortoises, quite a lot of ducks are among my pet hates. Um, another of these animals... that was a hesitation that I managed to get through without being challenged...

BUZZ

NP: Linda you challenged.

LS: Yes you nearly got away with it but then you just got too confident.

NP: And you drew attention to your hesitation, Linda challenged, and she has pet hates and she has 47 seconds starting now.

LS: A pet hate of mine is my own habit of buying shoes that donít actually fit. They are the wrong size, a bit too small, rather large. Ah you pinch now, I think, but Iíll tame you my proud beauties! But no, they donít get tamed, they kill my feet! And I develop horrible great blisters....

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Weíve had two feet.

LS: We have but that is normal in a biped!

NP: I know! That is true Linda but if you repeat it then in Just A Minute you have broken one of the rules. And Julian got in first and 26 seconds are available Julian, pet hates starting now.

JC: Lesley Joseph could be considered a pet hate of mine. Sheís charming...

BUZZ

NP: Linda you challenged?

LS: Well heís very two-faced! Just now she was a close show biz personal friend!

NP: So youíre going to call that deviation, are you?

LS: I think so! She canít be both, I mean even in this crazy biz!

NP: Itís a difficult decision, because on the basis that you can say what you like as long as you keep going, um. But he did establish she was a personal friend before, didnít he...

JC: Oh for goodness sake!

NP: I think in a show business sense he was having a bit of fun at the expense of one of his chums so I donít think I should give it against him, Linda. So you have a point for an incorrect challenge, Julian, you have 21 seconds, pet hates, starting now.

JC: We have a love hate relationship. In a way I adore her and she comes round to my house for tea every Thursday afternoon at about 4.00. But in another way I find her slightly irritating because she always turns up at these show business events, flings her arms around me when the cameras have been taking pictures. And I donít necessarily want the general public to know about me and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian Clary with points in the round as well as one for speaking as the whistle went has moved forward, and heís now in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud, two ahead of Linda Smith and three ahead of Simon Williams in that order, for anyone who is interested in the score. Julian will you take the next round. Stretching my legs...

BUZZ

NP: Iím... Simonís challenged already.

SW: He was obviously hesitating there trying to work out how to get Lesley Joseph into stretching her legs!

JC: I donít think Iíll need to call on Lesley on this occasion.

NP: No right. No I hadnít actually given him the word to start, I always say start now Simon. Iím sure that Julianís got a beautiful pair of pins to stretch, but would you talk on the subject Julian, 60 seconds starting now.

JC: I like to stretch my legs on a regular basis. The wider, the better. In fact, unbeknownst to the audience of naval officers and hopefuls in front of us now, I am in fact stretching my legs as we speak. The other day I was very busy streching my legs and do you know, gentlemen, and the few ladies that have slipped through the net, I did in fact pull a muscle. His name was Mary. Itís actually very important and I suggest that everyone here present joins a yoga class and then they will understand the benefits of stretching your legs. My left leg, I can put over my right ear, twist round my neck and tuck under my armpit.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of leg.

NP: Yes you had the single leg, and itís legs thatís on the card. I think you won a few friends down there, yes, they want to hear more about your legs actually, but you did repeat the single leg...

JC: I was distracted! Thereís a man in the front row, picking his face! That one there, in the tweed jacket! Stop!

NP: Heís also got his legs tightly crossed! So I donít know what that... Clement it was a correct challenge so in the rules of Just A Minute I must give it to you. You tell us something about stretching my legs, 12 seconds, starting now.

CF: In health clubs and gymnasia you tend to find charts which correlate to your weight and your height. And I find that for someone of 15 stone I should be...

BUZZ

NP: Simon Williams you challenged.

SW: Itís a miserable challenge but he did repeat your.

NP: We donít usually bother with the yours.

SW: It was a desperate move, Iím terribly sorry.

NP: But as it was a correct challenge, I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute, Simon, and thereís half a second to go. So youíve cleverly got in with half a second on stretching my legs starting now.

SW: Following...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Simon Williams speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. Heís now equal in second place with Linda Smith and out in the lead are Clement Freud and Julian Clary, both equal. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, board games. Tell us something about those in this game starting now.

CF: Shuffleboard is probably the only board game which people of Dartmouth are familiar with. On any ocean going liner, even sailing boat thereís nothing that is more fun than the board game in which you use a broom or some similar device to propel a target...

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes because he thought he wasnít making sense. He decided to stop or hesitate anyway. Thirty-nine seconds Julian, board games with you starting now.

JC: Iíve very little time for board games. I think if youíve nothing to say to one another then you might as well drop down dead and die. Board games are an excuse for conversation. The only one Iíve ever enjoyed was Monopoly and then I liked nothing more than to park myself on Park Lane...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two parks.

NP: Two parks.

JC: Parks!

NP: Park yourself on Park...

JC: Iím obsessed with parks!

NP: Yes! Twenty-one seconds Clement, board games starting now.

CF: I prefer Snakes and Ladders to Holmer, Chess and Backgammon. The wonderful thing about throwing a dice and determining whether youíre to go up or come down and have such huge enjoyment at the expense of everyone else is something I cannot recommend sufficiently, like blowing a whistle...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, heís moved forward, heís just in a small lead. And Linda Smith, your turn to begin. The subject, the battle of the sexes. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

LS: The battle of the sexes was meant to have happened in 1873 but actually took place in 1874 because us ladies were too busy getting ready! Outside the men were saying ďoh hurry up! Arenít you done yet?Ē And we said ďoh stop nagging! Why youíre standing out there waiting for the battle, why donít you make yourself useful and take the rubbish out?Ē ďBut Iím all dressed up for the battle, oh weíre going to miss it, oh itís going to be over in half an hour!Ē ďOh letís go shopping instead then!Ē ďOh Iím not going shopping!Ē And on...

BUZZ

NP: Simon Williams challenged.

SW: We did have two lots of shopping there.

NP: Yes...

SW: I know itís popular but...

NP: Yes you... Repetition of shopping Simon, you got in and there are 26 seconds available, and it is the battle of the sexes starting now.

SW: The battle of the sexes presumably started with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and has been carried on, and the war thoroughly waged ever since. The trouble with this particular battle is that people on both sides of this terrible divide are forever fraternising with the e-ne-my...

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Didnít say that word quite correctly! The enemy! Hesitation.

NP: Julian a correct challenge. Nine seconds, the battle of the sexes starting now.

JC: I once enjoyed a battle of the sexes in a hotel room in Amsterdam. On the left hand twin bed was my friend Vera...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian Clary getting points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle point has moved forward. Heís now one ahead of Clement Freud and Simon Williams and Linda Smith in that order. And Simon your turn to begin. The subject, very apt, a naval one. Old sea dogs. Theyíre mostly young sea dogs I think, here in the audience. But talk on the subject of old sea dogs starting now.

SW: If the old sea dogs perhaps the... younger people...

BUZZ

SW: Oh!

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Hesitation, Iím sorry.

NP: Yes...

SW: It was such a good joke I had lined up for you Julian there.

JC: Letís hear it.

NP: No, weíll have it, weíll have it later, donít worry! we never throw anything away here. Fifty-six, 56 seconds, old sea dogs with you Julian starting now.

JC: Old seamen (pronounced as semen)! That is what an old sea dog is! And if that sailor in the front row keeps picking his face, he will become old before his time because your skin will crack, and all the salt from the sea will wriggle its way in there and you wonít look nice! Generally though old sea dogs are very wise gentlemen. All they have to do is stick an extremity out of a porthole and they can tell you what youíre going to have for tea.

BUZZ

NP: Oh Linda youíve challenged.

LS: Well I just thought that, that Julian came to a sort of natural end there.

JC: I peaked!

NP: Yes! The audience were laughing so much they didnít hear heíd stopped actually! Anyway correct challenge to Linda and she has old sea dogs... Sheís got the subject of old sea dogs and there are 26 seconds starting now.

LS: I used to as a child have to go and visit with the rest of my school, the old sea dogs in the Royal Alfred Old Seamens Home. Very near to that place of education. At Christmas time we would take little gifts of tobacco and pipe, whether they smoked or not. It was a bit of an assumption on our part. But I was a little frightened of these...

WHISTLE

NP: So Linda Smith was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Sheís moved forward, sheís still in third place. And Julian Clary, your turn to begin. The subject, this is an interesting one, whiplash. I donít know if you have any personal revelations but talk on the subject if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

JC: Thereís a gay club in Torquay called The Whiplash where people stand around wearing rubber because they enjoy that sort of thing. And if youíre very lucky especially on a Thursday night from what I hear, someone will come through the swing doors with a whip, under their arm, bend you over the bar...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why? It was certainly deviation from life as most of us know it! But it wasnít deviating from the subject! So what Iíll do is Clement, because we all enjoyed the challenge...

CF: I was saving him from himself!

NP: I will give you a bonus point because the audience reaction proved that they enjoyed your interjection and so we give a bonus point for that. But Julian was interrupted so he gets a point for the interruption. And he keeps the subject of whiplash and with trepidation we say Julian please continue, 43 seconds available, starting now.

JC: The Whiplash Bar is particularly popular with Radio Four listeners! They queue around the block and in fact if youíre over 55 you get a discount and a free baby sham thrown in! I was last there several years ago and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I climbed up the walls at midnight, trying to get away from someone who was pursuing me with a particularly vigorous thrashing motion going on. And in the end I climbed out a window...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two climbeds.

NP: Two climbeds. Too much Iím afraid Julian. But did you escape? Thatís what we want to know.

JC: He still writes!

NP: Clement at last youíve got in on whiplash and you have 11 seconds starting now.

CF: In a gay club in Painton, I met an extraordinarily nice woman who took me to a pub called The Cat and the Cucumber. And I can...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went has moved forward again and heís now equal with Julian Clary in the lead. Linda itís your turn to begin and the subject chattering classes starting now.

LS: Chattering classes. Chattering classes are not as you might think lessons in going ďhow are you, all right? Oh, mustnít grumbleĒ. But rather a group of middle class people, probably Islington based, who spend their time worrying and fretting about trivial things like whether the Tellytubbies will have a bad effect on their wretched children, little Flimo and Mezzanineís educational development. These type of folk tend to do silly things like having the wheel and little toilet roll chewed in their hamsterís cage...

BUZZ

LS: Fing shweed!

NP: Simon, Simon...

SW: I have a suspicion that she hesitated and was losing her way anyway!

LS: I lost my way a long time ago Simon!

NP: She lost her way but she didnít hesitate over the words. They were flowing out quite consistently.

SW: I withdraw.

NP: So Linda you have another point, chattering classes, starting now.

LS: Good lord! I donít...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: She did repeat little.

NP: Yeah but that was before the last challenge. Since then sheís only said ďgood lord!Ē So another point to Linda, 20 seconds...

LS: All right then, I would like another offence to be taken into account. I think in the first round I said and twice Iím sure!

NP: I know, you did, you did, but we let you get away with all those things. Twenty-one seconds on chattering classes Linda starting now.

LS: Chattering classes would not be necessary for my fellow panelists here, especially our chairman Nicholas Parsons, who has demonstrated this evening an ability to chatter on quite interminably to the extent that Iím actually very confused about what Iím actually meant to be speaking on...

BUZZ

NP: Clement yes?

CF: Two actuallys.

NP: Two actuallys yeah, were definitely emphasised there. So Clement you got in with two seconds on chattering classes...

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís part of the game! Two seconds Clement starting now.

CF: Actually itís time to blow the whistle!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud is now in a little, a small lead ahead of Julian Clary and then Linda Smith and Simon Williams in that order. And Simon your turn to begin, the subject, busybodies. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

SW: When I think of busybodies my mind goes happily to the idea of Les Dawson who when he was in drag would impersonate a busybody, that is to say he would stand and chat inconsequentially across a hedge or garden fence to his neighbour about inconsequentialities in a er gossiping um...

BUZZ

SW: Thank you!

NP: Couldnít remember what they were chatting about! So hesitation and Julian you got in first, 36 seconds, starting now.

JC: Iím a busybody which is to say I like to keep my body busy. If Iím not down the gym, then Iím mincing around a place called London which you may have heard of. Thereís so much to do there to keep oneís body busy. You can go to the cinema, you can go to the shops, and can you believe it, theyíre open 24 hours! You really donít, thereís not enough time to sleep some days!

BUZZ

NP: Linda you challenged.

LS: There was a little bit of a melding of words into each other there.

NP: We call that hesitation, all right Linda, you have busybodies, 13 seconds, starting now.

LS: Busybodies, it is indeed very important to have a busy body, because the devil finds work for idle bodies, which Iím sure Julian if he cared would ergh!

BUZZ

NP: Julian you actually got in half a second before the whistle went. So what was your challenge?

JC: Well hesitation and defamation!

NP: She did actually hesitate so youíve half a second Julian on busybodies starting now.

WHISTLE

NP: So Julian Clary getting points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. In the meantime letís go into the last round of this particular edition of Just A Minute which will start with Julian Clary. And the subject very apt for this naval college here, sea shanties. Tell us something about sea shanties, Julian, starting now.

JC: Itís a sea subject with which Iím not particularly familiar although I will try and drag it out to one minute! I was once shanted at sea, which I suppose would qualify me as being a sea shanty. Sailors Hornpipe is the only sea shanty that Iíve ever heard of, and I couldnít hum it to you, I couldnít sing it to you. I couldnít even...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Two yous.

NP: Yes, couldnít sing it to you, couldnít hum it to you. Thirty-six seconds, Linda you tell us something about sea shanties starting now.

LS: My favourite sea shanty is In The Navy by the Village People, a popular beat combo which Iím sure are very big news around this neck of the wood. ďIn the navyĒ it goes, and then Iím not quite sure of the rest of the words, but Iím sure theyíre excellent because...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two sures.

NP: There were two sures, yes. So Clement you got in with 19 seconds to go, you tell us something about sea shanties, starting now.

CF: Iíve never met anyone who was particularly concerned about the goings-on of inebriated mariners. And yet if you go to a pub they sing What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor, as if anyone cared! And then they repeat it and do it over again...

WHISTLE

CF: So Clement Freud brought that round to a close and has brought the show to a close with a resounding reaction from the audience with his comments, spoke as the whistle went, gained that extra point. So it only remains for me to give you the final score. Simon Williams, whoís not played the game before, finished in a very strong place. He was only a few points behind Linda Smith who was just two points behind Julian Clary who gave his usual incredible performance, but he was trailing Clement Freud by two points. So Clement in the lead we say you are the winner this week. We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, it only reminds for me to thank these four fine players of the game, Linda Smith, Julian Clary, Clement Freud and Simon Williams. I must also thank Janet Staplehurst whoís helping me keep the score. Sheís blown her whistle when the 60 seconds are up, and our producer director Chris Neil. And of course we are indebted to Ian Messiter who originally created Just A Minute, and we are indebted to this audience here at the Britannia Royal Naval College in Dartmouth who have cheered us on our way. Weíve enjoyed playing to you, we hope youíve enjoyed the show, from the audience, from the panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, goodbye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute, till then goodbye!

THEME MUSIC