JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,JWhitfield
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JUNE WHITFIELD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 May 1978)

NOTE: June Whitfield's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and June Whitfield in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitating, without deviating, and without ... Iíve forgotten the third rule! Without repeating themselves! Weíre going to begin the show with Peter Jones and Peter, the subject is attack. Can you tell us something about that subject in 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: I think it was Marshal Posh in the First World War who sent the message to Clemenceau ďmy centre is crumbling, my right is in retreat, situation excellent, I attackĒ. Presumably, he believed this was the best form of defence. And I suppose by the same token if we dropped hydrogen bombs on every other nation of the world, and more or less annihilated them, we could claim we were defending ourselves in the best possible way. Now this is a philosophy that I donít personally subscribe to, because theyíre very dangerous things to start throwing around and annihilating other people isnít necessarily the way to get the export market really functioning at the maximum rate! Now I would like us all to make a reappraisal of this ancient saw, itís better to attack than defend. It must be a minute, mustnít it?

BUZZ

PJ: I mean itís boring...

NP: Clement Freud has come to your rescue.

PJ: Oh yes!

NP: Clement you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It clearly wasnít a minute! Otherwise Ian Messiter would...

NP: A very different form of deviation was available there. Yes Clement a correct challenge and you have a point for that of course, and there are six seconds left, so you take over the subject of attack starting now.

CF: I think Peter Jones was absolutely correct, and defence and attack are very similar. Health and sickness...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the whistle which is blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds are up and whomever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. It was Clement Freud and he has two points at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you begin the round with my friendís aunt. That is the subject and will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Itís what the French call le plume díematant dí mon ami. And very useful that sort of thing is, because it instantly allows you to gauge the sex of your friend which would be... totally different...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought that was hesitation.

NP: Yes I think you were right Kenneth, yes, and you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of my friendís aunt and there are 46 and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: I did indeed have a friend, who had a most colourful character, whom he referred to as his aunt, who always told us of this exhilirating trip sheíd had on a bullock cart, coming from Dornich. Now I thought myself that it was a load of old codswallop but you had to let her go on, because she had as they always say the dignity of old age. And let that never be deprecated, at least not from my mouth, which has always been known to utter only the loveliest things about anybodyís aunts, or indeed uncles, if it comes to that. But let us hope it doesnít!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Peter?

PJ: Heís talked about uncles now, and not his friendís aunt.

NP: Yes I agree, he went off, he said if it comes to that...

KW: Heís just getting in on the last few seconds! Donít you see Nicholas?

NP: Yes...

KW: Donít you see his ploy! Heís just trying to win! Itís so obvious isnít it!

NP: Yes!

KW: Theyíre dying to hear me! Theyíre dying... Look at her! Sheís gone white!

NP: And itís so obvious that you and nobody else in the game wants to win! Peter I agree with your challenge so you take over the subject, there are six seconds left, my friendís aunt, starting now.

PJ: What a sweet old lady she was! She wore a polk bonnet which was singularly apt really, because in her...

WHISTLE

NP: I just remind you whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains that extra point. It was on this occasion Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is stimulating the dozy ones. Iím sure in your professional career youíve done plenty of that Kenneth but will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: The most essential thing is to feed the phagocytes, to get them going so the adrenalin is ablaze with activity! I think acting so to speak as an intellectual, not...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well Iím getting in at the beginning for a start! And actually the adrenalin has got nothing to do with stimulating the phagocytes.

KW: It has everything to do with it.

NP: Well the subject is stimulating the dozy ones.

PJ: Exactly! Well, Iím glad youíre familiar with the subject!

NP: Yes! So, itís a pity that youíre not!

PJ: Deviation, deviation!

JUNE WHITFIELD: Are the dozy ones phagocytes?

NP: No, no, I think what he was trying to convey to me anyway, what I got is...

PJ: You mean itís a secret between you two?

NP: He was talking about the dozy ones and some of the phagocytes can be dozy on occasion.

BUZZ

PJ: No he was talking about adrenalin.

NP: Yes we got onto... what is your challenge June?

JW: Just that how does Kenneth know that the dozy ones are necessarily phagocytes?

KW: Well itís like an impersonation of Queen Victoria!

NP: I decide that you keep...

JW: Deviation!

NP: I decide that you keep the subject and there are 46 seconds on stimulating the dozy ones starting now.

KW: And of course the way to do this is essentially to outdo any old rutted bigotries, to outmaster, so to speak, the old habitual sway...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Three olds. Repetition.

NP: Yes...

KW: Oh was there? Ah! That was very well listened!

NP: Yes! There are 27 seconds left for you Clement now on the subject stimulating the dozy ones starting now.

CF: Politically this is known as being elevated to the House of Lords, and a very good thing it is too! Because there are admittedly in that establishment some fagasites known as gay Irish people. But by and large they are kindly peers, Marquises, Dukes, Lords of all descriptions including viscounts...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfield has challenged.

JW: Slight repetition of Lords.

NP: Yes indeed there was and June you have a point for that...

CF: House of Lords!

NP: ... and you have the subject now, stimulating the dozy ones, five seconds are left, starting now.

JW: The best stimulation of the dozy ones I ever heard was Jimmy Edwards saying ďwake up at the back there!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are equal in the lead, one point ahead of Peter Jones and June Whitfield who are only one point behind. Incredible! I didnít... itís amazing the things you learn in Just A Minute when youíre chairman. June Whitfield would you begin the next round, the subject is fairgrounds. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

JW: Every year where I live, there comes to the Common, about Whitsun time, and for many many years I have taken my...

BUZZ

JW: Many many years!

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Many many!

JW: Many many!

NP: Many many years! It is repetition of the words and there are 49 seconds for fairgrounds with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Oh manyís the time Iíve done the coconut shies and slid down on the matting on that huge tower! And the whip, ooohh! I get on that, oh I feel so incredibly thrilled! I could do it again and again if I had the...

BUZZ

KW: Oh!

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Well he canít!

NP: Yes you canít! No! You canít go round and round or many many times...

KW: But I do love that whip thing! Oooh the thought of it though!

NP: Do you really?

KW: It really gets me going, you know!

NP: After Iíve been round a couple of times I come off it feeling quite ill. Clement Freud you have 29 seconds for the subject of fairgrounds starting now.

CF: Iím really very fond of fairgrounds, though I donít care too much for the whip. Mainly because of masochism and my family known as The Performing Freuds hate that sort of thing in any shape or form. In Southworld we have a fair which comes every year and there are eight characters who take part and... in all sort of cases...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think so Kenneth yes, there are seven seconds for fairgrounds now with you...


CF: Talk about double standards!

NP: ... starting now.

KW: When I get on the whip if Iíve got enough points...

BUZZ

KW: ... I say to them...

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: ... ďletís have another go!Ē

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ďI canít wait to have another go!Ē What?

NP: Kenneth! Youíve had another go and I think youíve made a mistake.

KW: What was it?

CF: Repetition of whip Iím afraid.

NP: Whip.

KW: Was it?

NP: Yes you started off by saying about the whip...

KW: Well Iím trying to give the whip a plug because I think it gets peopleís adrenalin going.

NP: It stimulates the dozy ones too, doesnít it, yes. Clement you got in first with your challenge, there are five seconds, fairgrounds starting now.

CF: Rolling a penny has suffered grievously with metrication because the size of the coin is now...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and he gained that precious extra point and heís taken the lead one ahead of Kenneth Williams, June Whitfield and Peter Jones trailing a little. Peter your turn to begin, the subject competition. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well Iím actually against it quite a lot of the time. I think itís sometimes counter productive in terms of human happiness. And if for instance you take a race in which 12 people take part, 11 of them are doomed from the beginning to be losers. So that by er working out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: By erm I thought was hesitation.

NP: Yes yes you would be right.

CF: Another loser!

KW: Precisely yes! Exactly! Oh very well put my friend! Oh very well, very well observed! Oh yes! I like that! Very nice!

NP: Kenneth?

KW: Yes?

NP: Leave it for the contest! There are 42 seconds on competition starting now.

KW: I donít agree with my learned colleague opposite. I think these things can be very thrilling. Indeed weíre all excited arenít we, when weíre seeing chariot races and all kinds of feats of physical daring. I think it does get the old adrenalin flowing and if youíre lucky enough to get on the whip in the fairground, then you can really feel yourself rising in your seat as the excitement mounts in your body. And you think ďwill I be the first, will I make a record...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfield has challenged.

JW: Repetition of will I.

NP: Yes, yes...

KW: Oh yes, I did accidentally yes.

NP: You got well away from competition, and you got back on to the whip in the fairground. There are 14 seconds June on competition starting now.

JW: I was going to say how very much I admired Kenneth Williams for the way he does rabbit on so, and really I donít enjoy competition because really I always want everybody else to win. But as this is a game in which one has to compete I suppose I must....

WHISTLE

NP: Well June Whitfield competed well there, kept going to the whistle and is still in third place, no second place now because our two leaders are equal, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is my popadoms. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I like to eat my popadoms with basil and rosemary. But when Basil and Rosemary donít turn up, itís incredibly difficult because one loses weight hand over fist. And if anybody had any sense they would have realised that I repeated two words that I gave proper names to...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfieldís challenged.

CF: And itís too late now!

JW: Is it too late now?

CF: Much too late!

NP: Itís never too late....

PJ: June has only been playing the game a very short time! And he on the other hand has been playing it for so long that I feel he...

KW: Ah but that was June, that was June in April!

CF: Hoho!

NP: Hoho! Oh!

JW: Would you like to go again?

NP: No! Clement Freud came himself away, you picked up the cue and you have a correct challenge June, so the subject is my popadoms and you have 42 seconds left starting now.

JW: My popadoms could never compete with Clement Freudís. I buy mine in a packet. I hear the oil, I put them in the pan and fry them for two seconds on each side turning them over...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of them several times.

JW: Ah!

NP: Yes! Iím afraid there was a lot of thems, a lot of Is. But Peter correct challenge there are 25 seconds, my popadoms starting now.

PJ: Well my popadoms is quite a good phrase for the double entendre. You can get quite a few laughs if you use it skilfully...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of quite.

NP: Yes you did say quite, Iím afraid.

PJ: Quite twice?

NP: Quite twice, yes.

PJ: Oh.

NP: There are 17 seconds, 18 seconds, my popadoms Clement starting now.

CF: It is a little known culinary or gastronomic fact that lentil flour is an almost essential ingredient with popadoms...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Everybody in India knows this! Thatís a lot of people.

NP: Yes so it cannot therefore be a little known fact.

PJ: No, quite.

NP: Well challenged, good challenge Peter. None seconds for my popadoms...

CF: Itís also untrue, which is why few people know it.

NP: ... starting now.

KW: Itís untrue!

PJ: For instance...

KW: Itís untrue! Itís not even a fact! And he fell for it, said everyone in India knows it! Hahahahhahahahahah!

NP: Peter Jones, I donít know what theyíre rabbiting on about over there, but there are nine seconds for my popadoms starting now.

PJ: The detective says Iím going to take down your particulars and the girl says I want to see your credentials...

BUZZ

PJ: Now these...

NP: Clement Freud challenges.

PJ: What?

CF: Two saysís.

NP: Yes Iím afraid...

CF: She says and he says.

PJ: Oh that's pernickety!

NP: What was the payoff to this story?

PJ: Iím not going to tell you now!

NP: So Clement, three and a half seconds, my popadoms, starting now.

CF: Perhaps the best Indian restaurant I know doesnít serve them.

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud has gone into a lead on his own at the end of that round with the extra point for speaking when the whistle went, ahead of June Whitfield. But sheís now equal with Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones is one point behind those two. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is Thomas Hardy. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I suppose itís in the novel, Far From The Madding Crowd, that the spirit of Wessex and that extraordinary flavour the man allowed to permeate his books, comes through most vividly in the work of Thomas Hardy. His accusers and there were many regarding the epitaph he chose for Tess of the Durvervilles, where the line is the President of the Immortals has finished his sport with Tess. And atheism was levelled at him...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Tess.

NP: Yes you said Tess of the Durvervilles before...

KW: Well you canít say the title of the book without it, can you, you stupid great nit! What sort of chairman are you to give a ruling like that when I was in the middle of a very learned discourse.

NP: Well probably if I was...

KW: Learned discourse, wasnít it, learned! Go on, say it was! Yes! Bash your faces in!

CF: In that case, he didnít repeat Tess!

NP:So Clement you had a correct challenge on Tess and there are 23 seconds left for Thomas Hardy starting now.

CF: Iím never quite sure why Thomas Hardy denied so strongly and so frequently that Dorchester was not in fact Castlebridge when everybody knew that it was. And the mayor of that town in Wessex is certainly one of my favourite characters in any novel which he wrote. Because he is an enormously worldly man, one who was loved by...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Thomas Hardy helped Clement Freud to go even further ahead in the lead. And June Whitfield, your turn to begin, the subject, nursery rhymes. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

JW: Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such fun, and the dish ran away with the spoon. Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, and so between them both, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Weíve had two could eats.

NP: Yes they were all waiting for one repetition yes.

KW: There were two could eats there, you see.

CF: How about the two diddles? I was giving... I was going to challenge towards the end!

JW: That was kindness!

NP: You see, thatís obviously the reason she was going so slowly, she was listening for repetition, Kenneth picked it up...

JW: Could I say hey diddle echo?

NP: Forty-one seconds on nursery rhymes with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: One of the most charming is darling I am growing older, silver threads among the gold...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Thatís not a nursery rhyme!

KW: No I would agree with you...

CF: Itís not charming either! Not at your age!

NP: Peter you now have the subject and there are 29 seconds on nursery rhymes starting now.

PJ: I never liked them very much when I was a child, because apart from being far fetched, they left one hanging in the air waiting to hear what actually happened after the plate had absconded with the spoon! And similarly after Little Miss Muffet had experienced this awful business with the spider coming down beside her, nothing apparently happened! You know, it was just left like a Harold Pinter play without er being resolved. And...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfield you challenged.

JW: Yes I would challenge, because it was resolved. It frightened Miss Muffet away.

PJ: I know, but where to?

JW: You could say that about anything, it doesnít have to go actually right through to where Miss Muffet went.

PJ: I want it rounded off! I donít think it was well constructed.

NP: June you have one second on nursery rhymes starting now.

JW: Little Jack Horner!

WHISTLE

NP: Well June Whitfield was speaking when the whistle went, sheís in second place now equal with Kenneth Williams, just behind Clement Freud, and Peter Jones just behind them. Peter your turn to begin, the subject gruntling. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well this is a sound that pigs make in the country, or anywhere else...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Heís bound to say grunt, grunt! I wanted to get in early!

NP: All that happened is that you failed to get in for repetition. So Peter you have another point and there are 51...

CF: I warned him though, didnít I!

NP: Fifty-five and a half seconds on gruntling starting now.

PJ: It means that theyíre reasonably happy or gruntled, so that er you know er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well itís all you know er.

NP: I know, it was very disgruntled, wasnít he, he couldnít get anywhere at all! So Kenneth you have a correct challenge for hesitation and there are 48 seconds on gruntling starting now.

KW: Really itís to do with accommodating people so that their feelings are, so to speak, satisfied. And of course this gruntling should be an essential part of all social intercourse. The first aim should be when we greet our guests should be that of gruntling him or her, as the case may be. And so lull their senses as though theyíve breathed upon a bank of violets, coming from...

BUZZ

KW: I beg your pardon! How dare you! Somebody shouted Oooh err! Did you hear that!

NP: No I didnít!

KW: Iíve not come all the way from Great Portland Street to be insulted! Itís a disgrace!

NP: Er or her?

KW: I canít remember!

NP: Oh.

KW: Have I lost the subject?

NP: I donít know, June Whitfield has challenged.

JW: No I dropped off and I fell on my button!

NP: Thatís probably what they said when they said er, they meant June Whitfield! Look at Ďer! So Kenneth it was an incorrect challenge and you can keep us awake now for another 19 seconds on gruntling starting now.

KW: Well of course you do think of the farm, and I remember...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did say of course before. Peter you have the subject back and there are 17 seconds, gruntling, starting now.

PJ: Make your way into Wiltshire where some of the healthiest pigs live. And if you can find a field with a big tree which offers considerable shade from the sun, if you happen to be there in the summer, or a shelter of some kind...

WHISTLE

NP: Itís a very close contest, only one point separates all our four contestants, in this order, June Whitfield, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud, working upwards that is. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject hanging on to your money. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well I suppose itís possible to hang on to your money, although in the process you might find yourself in parlous circumstances indeed. On the other hand, taking it as a colloquialism, we must assume it means those with miserly dispositions. Now I know quite a few who have got this...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfield has challenged.

JW: Why must we assume that itís those with miserly dispositions?

NP: We donít have to assume it but he was saying...

JW: Well he said we must assune it is those, Iím just trying to pick up the thread...

KW: I said as a colloquialism...

PJ: I donít intend to challenge him on this subject because I feel he is an authority! He knows more about it!

NP: Itís very difficult to be fair here. Weíve just had a message that this is the last round and Kenneth Williams is one point behind our leader. I think actually June to be fair...

JW: We must assume?

NP: No we mustnít assume...

JW: But he said we must!

NP: Yes and he wasnít therefore deviating from the subject on the card, that is his opinion and he likes to assume that so that is all right...

JW: I see!

NP: So he keeps the subject of hanging on to your money, there are 33 seconds left starting now.

KW: I must say I bitterly resent those remarks from Peter Jones, obviously inferring that I am not lavish, whereas heís got a burglar alarm on his dustbin! I could tell you things about him that would make your hair curl! He only got his purse out once, and the moths were in the bath! Werenít they! Oh yes! Whereas I am open hearted...

BUZZ

NP: June Whitfield has challenged you.

KW: Oh sheís challenged me again! Sheís got a nerve! I donít know why they have women on this show! I really donít! Whatís she on about now!

NP: Well the burglar alarm on Peter Jonesís dustbin has got nothing to do with hanging on to your money!

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: So er...

JW: I had a quick flash from the chairman then!

NP: And on radio thatís quite an achievement! So June you have 14 and a half seconds on hanging on to your money starting now.

JW: I think itís utterly impossible for anybody to hang on to their money in (drawing out words in Kenneth Williams style) these hard times! It is one of...

BUZZ

KW: I think that sheís just slowing down deliberately. I think sheís got no... I donít think you should have women on this show! I donítthink so, I think you should have an all male show!

NP: I think sheís doing a very good impersonation of Kenneth Williams! So I disagree with your challenge so she has six seconds on hanging on to your money June starting now.

JW: How kind Nicholas! Hanging on to your money is a phrase as I have said before I think...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No Peter Jones challenged just before, Peter, yes?

PJ: Repetition because she said sheíd said it before! It must be repetition!

NP: She did repeat the phrase said it before, yes! Peter Jones you have one tenth of a second on hanging on to your money starting now.

PJ: With...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we have indeed come to the end of this round of Just A Minute. Let me give you the final score. June Whitfield once again did extremely well, she finished actually youíll be surprised to hear only in second place, three points behind, believe it or not, our three joint winners, our three regular panelists, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud! Our winners this week! Well you canít have a fairer result than that because they all contribute so much to the game. And thatís what itís all about, we enjoy the game which we hope you enjoy equally as much. From all of us here, goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC