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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JUNE WHITFIELD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 May 1978)
NOTE: June Whitfield's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and June Whitfield in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I’m going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitating, without deviating, and without ... I’ve forgotten the third rule! Without repeating themselves! We’re going to begin the show with Peter Jones and Peter, the subject is attack. Can you tell us something about that subject in 60 seconds starting now. PETER JONES: I think it was Marshal Posh in the First World War who sent the message to Clemenceau “my centre is crumbling, my right is in retreat, situation excellent, I attack”. Presumably, he believed this was the best form of defence. And I suppose by the same token if we dropped hydrogen bombs on every other nation of the world, and more or less annihilated them, we could claim we were defending ourselves in the best possible way. Now this is a philosophy that I don’t personally subscribe to, because they’re very dangerous things to start throwing around and annihilating other people isn’t necessarily the way to get the export market really functioning at the maximum rate! Now I would like us all to make a reappraisal of this ancient saw, it’s better to attack than defend. It must be a minute, mustn’t it? BUZZ PJ: I mean it’s boring... NP: Clement Freud has come to your rescue. PJ: Oh yes! NP: Clement you challenged? CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: It clearly wasn’t a minute! Otherwise Ian Messiter would... NP: A very different form of deviation was available there. Yes Clement a correct challenge and you have a point for that of course, and there are six seconds left, so you take over the subject of attack starting now. CF: I think Peter Jones was absolutely correct, and defence and attack are very similar. Health and sickness... WHISTLE NP: Well the whistle which is blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds are up and whomever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. It was Clement Freud and he has two points at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you begin the round with my friend’s aunt. That is the subject and will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now. CF: It’s what the French call le plume d’ematant d’ mon ami. And very useful that sort of thing is, because it instantly allows you to gauge the sex of your friend which would be... totally different... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought that was hesitation. NP: Yes I think you were right Kenneth, yes, and you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of my friend’s aunt and there are 46 and a half seconds left starting now. KW: I did indeed have a friend, who had a most colourful character, whom he referred to as his aunt, who always told us of this exhilirating trip she’d had on a bullock cart, coming from Dornich. Now I thought myself that it was a load of old codswallop but you had to let her go on, because she had as they always say the dignity of old age. And let that never be deprecated, at least not from my mouth, which has always been known to utter only the loveliest things about anybody’s aunts, or indeed uncles, if it comes to that. But let us hope it doesn’t! BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Peter? PJ: He’s talked about uncles now, and not his friend’s aunt. NP: Yes I agree, he went off, he said if it comes to that... KW: He’s just getting in on the last few seconds! Don’t you see Nicholas? NP: Yes... KW: Don’t you see his ploy! He’s just trying to win! It’s so obvious isn’t it! NP: Yes! KW: They’re dying to hear me! They’re dying... Look at her! She’s gone white! NP: And it’s so obvious that you and nobody else in the game wants to win! Peter I agree with your challenge so you take over the subject, there are six seconds left, my friend’s aunt, starting now. PJ: What a sweet old lady she was! She wore a polk bonnet which was singularly apt really, because in her... WHISTLE NP: I just remind you whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains that extra point. It was on this occasion Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is stimulating the dozy ones. I’m sure in your professional career you’ve done plenty of that Kenneth but will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now. KW: The most essential thing is to feed the phagocytes, to get them going so the adrenalin is ablaze with activity! I think acting so to speak as an intellectual, not... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well I’m getting in at the beginning for a start! And actually the adrenalin has got nothing to do with stimulating the phagocytes. KW: It has everything to do with it. NP: Well the subject is stimulating the dozy ones. PJ: Exactly! Well, I’m glad you’re familiar with the subject! NP: Yes! So, it’s a pity that you’re not! PJ: Deviation, deviation! JUNE WHITFIELD: Are the dozy ones phagocytes? NP: No, no, I think what he was trying to convey to me anyway, what I got is... PJ: You mean it’s a secret between you two? NP: He was talking about the dozy ones and some of the phagocytes can be dozy on occasion. BUZZ PJ: No he was talking about adrenalin. NP: Yes we got onto... what is your challenge June? JW: Just that how does Kenneth know that the dozy ones are necessarily phagocytes? KW: Well it’s like an impersonation of Queen Victoria! NP: I decide that you keep... JW: Deviation! NP: I decide that you keep the subject and there are 46 seconds on stimulating the dozy ones starting now. KW: And of course the way to do this is essentially to outdo any old rutted bigotries, to outmaster, so to speak, the old habitual sway... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Three olds. Repetition. NP: Yes... KW: Oh was there? Ah! That was very well listened! NP: Yes! There are 27 seconds left for you Clement now on the subject stimulating the dozy ones starting now. CF: Politically this is known as being elevated to the House of Lords, and a very good thing it is too! Because there are admittedly in that establishment some fagasites known as gay Irish people. But by and large they are kindly peers, Marquises, Dukes, Lords of all descriptions including viscounts... BUZZ NP: June Whitfield has challenged. JW: Slight repetition of Lords. NP: Yes indeed there was and June you have a point for that... CF: House of Lords! NP: ... and you have the subject now, stimulating the dozy ones, five seconds are left, starting now. JW: The best stimulation of the dozy ones I ever heard was Jimmy Edwards saying “wake up at the back there!” WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are equal in the lead, one point ahead of Peter Jones and June Whitfield who are only one point behind. Incredible! I didn’t... it’s amazing the things you learn in Just A Minute when you’re chairman. June Whitfield would you begin the next round, the subject is fairgrounds. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. JW: Every year where I live, there comes to the Common, about Whitsun time, and for many many years I have taken my... BUZZ JW: Many many years! NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Many many! JW: Many many! NP: Many many years! It is repetition of the words and there are 49 seconds for fairgrounds with you Kenneth starting now. KW: Oh many’s the time I’ve done the coconut shies and slid down on the matting on that huge tower! And the whip, ooohh! I get on that, oh I feel so incredibly thrilled! I could do it again and again if I had the... BUZZ KW: Oh! NP: Clement Freud. CF: Well he can’t! NP: Yes you can’t! No! You can’t go round and round or many many times... KW: But I do love that whip thing! Oooh the thought of it though! NP: Do you really? KW: It really gets me going, you know! NP: After I’ve been round a couple of times I come off it feeling quite ill. Clement Freud you have 29 seconds for the subject of fairgrounds starting now. CF: I’m really very fond of fairgrounds, though I don’t care too much for the whip. Mainly because of masochism and my family known as The Performing Freuds hate that sort of thing in any shape or form. In Southworld we have a fair which comes every year and there are eight characters who take part and... in all sort of cases... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: I think so Kenneth yes, there are seven seconds for fairgrounds now with you... CF: Talk about double standards! NP: ... starting now. KW: When I get on the whip if I’ve got enough points... BUZZ KW: ... I say to them... NP: Clement Freud challenged. KW: ... “let’s have another go!” NP: Kenneth... KW: “I can’t wait to have another go!” What? NP: Kenneth! You’ve had another go and I think you’ve made a mistake. KW: What was it? CF: Repetition of whip I’m afraid. NP: Whip. KW: Was it? NP: Yes you started off by saying about the whip... KW: Well I’m trying to give the whip a plug because I think it gets people’s adrenalin going. NP: It stimulates the dozy ones too, doesn’t it, yes. Clement you got in first with your challenge, there are five seconds, fairgrounds starting now. CF: Rolling a penny has suffered grievously with metrication because the size of the coin is now... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and he gained that precious extra point and he’s taken the lead one ahead of Kenneth Williams, June Whitfield and Peter Jones trailing a little. Peter your turn to begin, the subject competition. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well I’m actually against it quite a lot of the time. I think it’s sometimes counter productive in terms of human happiness. And if for instance you take a race in which 12 people take part, 11 of them are doomed from the beginning to be losers. So that by er working out... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: By erm I thought was hesitation. NP: Yes yes you would be right. CF: Another loser! KW: Precisely yes! Exactly! Oh very well put my friend! Oh very well, very well observed! Oh yes! I like that! Very nice! NP: Kenneth? KW: Yes? NP: Leave it for the contest! There are 42 seconds on competition starting now. KW: I don’t agree with my learned colleague opposite. I think these things can be very thrilling. Indeed we’re all excited aren’t we, when we’re seeing chariot races and all kinds of feats of physical daring. I think it does get the old adrenalin flowing and if you’re lucky enough to get on the whip in the fairground, then you can really feel yourself rising in your seat as the excitement mounts in your body. And you think “will I be the first, will I make a record... BUZZ NP: June Whitfield has challenged. JW: Repetition of will I. NP: Yes, yes... KW: Oh yes, I did accidentally yes. NP: You got well away from competition, and you got back on to the whip in the fairground. There are 14 seconds June on competition starting now. JW: I was going to say how very much I admired Kenneth Williams for the way he does rabbit on so, and really I don’t enjoy competition because really I always want everybody else to win. But as this is a game in which one has to compete I suppose I must.... WHISTLE NP: Well June Whitfield competed well there, kept going to the whistle and is still in third place, no second place now because our two leaders are equal, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is my popadoms. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. CF: I like to eat my popadoms with basil and rosemary. But when Basil and Rosemary don’t turn up, it’s incredibly difficult because one loses weight hand over fist. And if anybody had any sense they would have realised that I repeated two words that I gave proper names to... BUZZ NP: June Whitfield’s challenged. CF: And it’s too late now! JW: Is it too late now? CF: Much too late! NP: It’s never too late.... PJ: June has only been playing the game a very short time! And he on the other hand has been playing it for so long that I feel he... KW: Ah but that was June, that was June in April! CF: Hoho! NP: Hoho! Oh! JW: Would you like to go again? NP: No! Clement Freud came himself away, you picked up the cue and you have a correct challenge June, so the subject is my popadoms and you have 42 seconds left starting now. JW: My popadoms could never compete with Clement Freud’s. I buy mine in a packet. I hear the oil, I put them in the pan and fry them for two seconds on each side turning them over... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of them several times. JW: Ah! NP: Yes! I’m afraid there was a lot of thems, a lot of Is. But Peter correct challenge there are 25 seconds, my popadoms starting now. PJ: Well my popadoms is quite a good phrase for the double entendre. You can get quite a few laughs if you use it skilfully... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition of quite. NP: Yes you did say quite, I’m afraid. PJ: Quite twice? NP: Quite twice, yes. PJ: Oh. NP: There are 17 seconds, 18 seconds, my popadoms Clement starting now. CF: It is a little known culinary or gastronomic fact that lentil flour is an almost essential ingredient with popadoms... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: Everybody in India knows this! That’s a lot of people. NP: Yes so it cannot therefore be a little known fact. PJ: No, quite. NP: Well challenged, good challenge Peter. None seconds for my popadoms... CF: It’s also untrue, which is why few people know it. NP: ... starting now. KW: It’s untrue! PJ: For instance... KW: It’s untrue! It’s not even a fact! And he fell for it, said everyone in India knows it! Hahahahhahahahahah! NP: Peter Jones, I don’t know what they’re rabbiting on about over there, but there are nine seconds for my popadoms starting now. PJ: The detective says I’m going to take down your particulars and the girl says I want to see your credentials... BUZZ PJ: Now these... NP: Clement Freud challenges. PJ: What? CF: Two says’s. NP: Yes I’m afraid... CF: She says and he says. PJ: Oh that's pernickety! NP: What was the payoff to this story? PJ: I’m not going to tell you now! NP: So Clement, three and a half seconds, my popadoms, starting now. CF: Perhaps the best Indian restaurant I know doesn’t serve them. WHISTLE NP: Well Clement Freud has gone into a lead on his own at the end of that round with the extra point for speaking when the whistle went, ahead of June Whitfield. But she’s now equal with Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones is one point behind those two. And Kenneth it’s your turn to begin and the subject is Thomas Hardy. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now. KW: I suppose it’s in the novel, Far From The Madding Crowd, that the spirit of Wessex and that extraordinary flavour the man allowed to permeate his books, comes through most vividly in the work of Thomas Hardy. His accusers and there were many regarding the epitaph he chose for Tess of the Durvervilles, where the line is the President of the Immortals has finished his sport with Tess. And atheism was levelled at him... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of Tess. NP: Yes you said Tess of the Durvervilles before... KW: Well you can’t say the title of the book without it, can you, you stupid great nit! What sort of chairman are you to give a ruling like that when I was in the middle of a very learned discourse. NP: Well probably if I was... KW: Learned discourse, wasn’t it, learned! Go on, say it was! Yes! Bash your faces in! CF: In that case, he didn’t repeat Tess! NP:So Clement you had a correct challenge on Tess and there are 23 seconds left for Thomas Hardy starting now. CF: I’m never quite sure why Thomas Hardy denied so strongly and so frequently that Dorchester was not in fact Castlebridge when everybody knew that it was. And the mayor of that town in Wessex is certainly one of my favourite characters in any novel which he wrote. Because he is an enormously worldly man, one who was loved by... WHISTLE NP: Well Thomas Hardy helped Clement Freud to go even further ahead in the lead. And June Whitfield, your turn to begin, the subject, nursery rhymes. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. JW: Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such fun, and the dish ran away with the spoon. Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, and so between them both, you see... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: We’ve had two could eats. NP: Yes they were all waiting for one repetition yes. KW: There were two could eats there, you see. CF: How about the two diddles? I was giving... I was going to challenge towards the end! JW: That was kindness! NP: You see, that’s obviously the reason she was going so slowly, she was listening for repetition, Kenneth picked it up... JW: Could I say hey diddle echo? NP: Forty-one seconds on nursery rhymes with you Kenneth starting now. KW: One of the most charming is darling I am growing older, silver threads among the gold... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: That’s not a nursery rhyme! KW: No I would agree with you... CF: It’s not charming either! Not at your age! NP: Peter you now have the subject and there are 29 seconds on nursery rhymes starting now. PJ: I never liked them very much when I was a child, because apart from being far fetched, they left one hanging in the air waiting to hear what actually happened after the plate had absconded with the spoon! And similarly after Little Miss Muffet had experienced this awful business with the spider coming down beside her, nothing apparently happened! You know, it was just left like a Harold Pinter play without er being resolved. And... BUZZ NP: June Whitfield you challenged. JW: Yes I would challenge, because it was resolved. It frightened Miss Muffet away. PJ: I know, but where to? JW: You could say that about anything, it doesn’t have to go actually right through to where Miss Muffet went. PJ: I want it rounded off! I don’t think it was well constructed. NP: June you have one second on nursery rhymes starting now. JW: Little Jack Horner! WHISTLE NP: Well June Whitfield was speaking when the whistle went, she’s in second place now equal with Kenneth Williams, just behind Clement Freud, and Peter Jones just behind them. Peter your turn to begin, the subject gruntling. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well this is a sound that pigs make in the country, or anywhere else... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: He’s bound to say grunt, grunt! I wanted to get in early! NP: All that happened is that you failed to get in for repetition. So Peter you have another point and there are 51... CF: I warned him though, didn’t I! NP: Fifty-five and a half seconds on gruntling starting now. PJ: It means that they’re reasonably happy or gruntled, so that er you know er... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Well it’s all you know er. NP: I know, it was very disgruntled, wasn’t he, he couldn’t get anywhere at all! So Kenneth you have a correct challenge for hesitation and there are 48 seconds on gruntling starting now. KW: Really it’s to do with accommodating people so that their feelings are, so to speak, satisfied. And of course this gruntling should be an essential part of all social intercourse. The first aim should be when we greet our guests should be that of gruntling him or her, as the case may be. And so lull their senses as though they’ve breathed upon a bank of violets, coming from... BUZZ KW: I beg your pardon! How dare you! Somebody shouted Oooh err! Did you hear that! NP: No I didn’t! KW: I’ve not come all the way from Great Portland Street to be insulted! It’s a disgrace! NP: Er or her? KW: I can’t remember! NP: Oh. KW: Have I lost the subject? NP: I don’t know, June Whitfield has challenged. JW: No I dropped off and I fell on my button! NP: That’s probably what they said when they said er, they meant June Whitfield! Look at ‘er! So Kenneth it was an incorrect challenge and you can keep us awake now for another 19 seconds on gruntling starting now. KW: Well of course you do think of the farm, and I remember... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of of course. NP: Yes I’m afraid you did say of course before. Peter you have the subject back and there are 17 seconds, gruntling, starting now. PJ: Make your way into Wiltshire where some of the healthiest pigs live. And if you can find a field with a big tree which offers considerable shade from the sun, if you happen to be there in the summer, or a shelter of some kind... WHISTLE NP: It’s a very close contest, only one point separates all our four contestants, in this order, June Whitfield, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud, working upwards that is. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject hanging on to your money. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Well I suppose it’s possible to hang on to your money, although in the process you might find yourself in parlous circumstances indeed. On the other hand, taking it as a colloquialism, we must assume it means those with miserly dispositions. Now I know quite a few who have got this... BUZZ NP: June Whitfield has challenged. JW: Why must we assume that it’s those with miserly dispositions? NP: We don’t have to assume it but he was saying... JW: Well he said we must assune it is those, I’m just trying to pick up the thread... KW: I said as a colloquialism... PJ: I don’t intend to challenge him on this subject because I feel he is an authority! He knows more about it! NP: It’s very difficult to be fair here. We’ve just had a message that this is the last round and Kenneth Williams is one point behind our leader. I think actually June to be fair... JW: We must assume? NP: No we mustn’t assume... JW: But he said we must! NP: Yes and he wasn’t therefore deviating from the subject on the card, that is his opinion and he likes to assume that so that is all right... JW: I see! NP: So he keeps the subject of hanging on to your money, there are 33 seconds left starting now. KW: I must say I bitterly resent those remarks from Peter Jones, obviously inferring that I am not lavish, whereas he’s got a burglar alarm on his dustbin! I could tell you things about him that would make your hair curl! He only got his purse out once, and the moths were in the bath! Weren’t they! Oh yes! Whereas I am open hearted... BUZZ NP: June Whitfield has challenged you. KW: Oh she’s challenged me again! She’s got a nerve! I don’t know why they have women on this show! I really don’t! What’s she on about now! NP: Well the burglar alarm on Peter Jones’s dustbin has got nothing to do with hanging on to your money! KW: Oh sorry! NP: So er... JW: I had a quick flash from the chairman then! NP: And on radio that’s quite an achievement! So June you have 14 and a half seconds on hanging on to your money starting now. JW: I think it’s utterly impossible for anybody to hang on to their money in (drawing out words in Kenneth Williams style) these hard times! It is one of... BUZZ KW: I think that she’s just slowing down deliberately. I think she’s got no... I don’t think you should have women on this show! I don’tthink so, I think you should have an all male show! NP: I think she’s doing a very good impersonation of Kenneth Williams! So I disagree with your challenge so she has six seconds on hanging on to your money June starting now. JW: How kind Nicholas! Hanging on to your money is a phrase as I have said before I think... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: No Peter Jones challenged just before, Peter, yes? PJ: Repetition because she said she’d said it before! It must be repetition! NP: She did repeat the phrase said it before, yes! Peter Jones you have one tenth of a second on hanging on to your money starting now. PJ: With... WHISTLE NP: Well we have indeed come to the end of this round of Just A Minute. Let me give you the final score. June Whitfield once again did extremely well, she finished actually you’ll be surprised to hear only in second place, three points behind, believe it or not, our three joint winners, our three regular panelists, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud! Our winners this week! Well you can’t have a fairer result than that because they all contribute so much to the game. And that’s what it’s all about, we enjoy the game which we hope you enjoy equally as much. From all of us here, goodbye. ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell. THEME MUSIC |
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