JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 May 1978)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panelists to talk if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And just to put a few people right who have written to me, they are allowed to repeat the subject on the card. Weíre going to begin the show with Peter Jones and the subject Peter is making up. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Making up is often the best part of a lovers quarrel. And in fact very frequently justifies the whole thing. When the man and woman, or boy and girl, rush together, murmuring apologies to the other, their arms entwined, their lips searching for the others...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock?

SHEILA HANCOCK: He said they rush together...

NP: Yes?

SH: ... their arms entwined...

PJ: Surely youíve got a picture of that, havenít you?

SH: No! When youíre actually rushing together, your arms arenít entwined because youíre a distance from one another. You could reach one another...

NP: Well Sheila I think youíre being a little pedantic if you donít mind me saying. I think the picture he was painting was of them rushing together, it was all so rapid, their arms were entwining...

SH: Itís a load of old rubbish the picture he was painting anyway! I was embarrassed, that was why I interrupted...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: So was I! I quite agree with you Sheila!

SH: I was deeply embarrassed!

KW: Absolutely right!

NP: Peter I disagree with Sheilaís challenge so you keep the subject and there are 42 seconds for making up starting now.

PJ: Making up is also something actors do in their dressing room before they go on stage or other mediums. Several people have made vast fortunes supplying these performing artists with the requisite things to put on their faces like crepe hair and artificial paste which I believe is the same sort of thing as embalmers use in funeral parlours where you can make false noses and you can add red stuff which looks like...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: And and er.

NP: Yes he did repeat and about three or four times. I think weíll let it get you get away with it once...

CF: Or hesitation if you like.

NP: No, the and was enough.

CF: Or deviation!

PJ: And! Now are you definitely saying, this is the first question isnít it of this game, are you saying no-one is allowed to say and more than once?

KW: Well thatís ridiculous isnít it! Youíve got to say and!

NP: Iíll tell you what Iím saying...

PJ: But I should like to disturb him, for the next half hour...

KW: What a rotten chairman! Imagine saying you canít say and! Ridiculous! Ridiculous isnít it!

NP: Listen! Audience, theyíre only having a go!

SH: Oh!

NP: I want to make sure that we have a good game and a lot of fun! And Clement got a good challenge there...

KW: We wonít have any if youíre here anyway! I can tell you that for a start!

SH: This is going to be an aggressive game!

NP: Yes...

KW: Oh no! Iím the most pacific creature you could ever hope to find!

NP: Yes! Trying to demonstrate it then listeners by kissing his partner Clement Freud! Clement you continue now...

PJ: Making up to Clement!

NP: Yes! That was the subject, making up, there are nine and a half seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: What Iíve found in this game is if you make up to Nicholas Parsons, you almost inevitably lose because he doesnít listen to what you say. On the other...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, Sheila, Sheila Hancock managed to challenge just before the whistle went.

SH: He hesitated a little bit. There was a pause but then, then the whistle came in. So it stopped...

NP: No I think weíll just forget about that one because it was almost impossible to judge. Clement Freud got a point for speaking when the whistle went which Ian Messiter blows at the end of 60 seconds and whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. Clement Freud is now equal in the lead at the end of the round with Peter Jones. And whoís going to begin the next round? Clement Freud is. Clement the subject is hilarity. Something we never have in Just A Minute! Would you talk that subject in the game starting now.

CF: I suppose itís my frothy lightness of touch which made Ian Messiter select me for the subject of hilarity. And there are many people, I suppose, all around who think that I am...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

CF: ... the most humorous...

SH: Repetition of I suppose.

NP: Yes...

CF: .. the most humorous...

SH: He said I suppose...

CF: ... man... Do you want me to stop?

NP: I agree with your challenge Sheila, I suppose. You take over the subject, a point for a correct challenge, 47 seconds, hilarity, starting now.

SH: I was once in a concert party at the end of a pier that was called Hilarity. And a less hilarious thing you couldnít have seen! Hilarity, I suppose, is a sort of ecstacy of fun. Itís when you go over the edge of laughter into something thatís almost frenetic. Itís a little bit more than just being amused, itís aching ribs and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! No! Yes she did repeat itís but not hesitation.

CF: I thought between itís and aching there was...

NP: No, no, not long enough to be...

SH: Itís aching!

NP: No, no, no, it was...

SH: Itís aching I went!

CF: Do it again! You do it so well!

SH: Yes I know but youíll get me for repetition if I do! Youíll stoop at anything!

NP: Yeah, 23 and a half seconds for hilarity Sheila starting now.

SH: Ribs and jaws, all open and amused and enjoying...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well I mean I was trying to help her out! She was coming to the end of her tether poor girl!

SH: Yes I was!

NP: Yes! Right, hesitation. There are 17 seconds Kenneth for you to talk on hilarity starting now.

KW: It has occurred in my life on countless occasions and I can recall being hilariously moved at the sight when we were on location once in Black Park of this actress in acrinoline trying to go to the loo.

WHISTLE

KW: Oh I laughed! Well I laughed! Nearly bought my own beer!

NP: At the end of that round, very interesting, everyone in the game has two points. And Sheila Hancock your turn to begin. The subject, sausage rolls. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I absolutely loathe sausage rolls! They remind me of funerals, British Rail and parties where they canít think of anything else to provide! Iím sure Clement would make divine sausage rolls with light pastry, and inside a delectable porky little piece of meat. However when I have them they have dried up rubbish round... the... perimeter...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed...

SH: Oh I didnít hesitate more than anybody else!

KW: No! Of course not!

NP: You almost came to a halt!

SH: I said round... the... perimeter! Look at how he elongates his words!

KW: Yes! Quite right!

NP: It was a very definite hesitation Sheila. And there are 32 seconds for Clement to talk on sausage rolls starting now.

CF: Sausage rolls is the sort of telegraphese like fish fingers or meat balls. And it means I suppose nothing more or less than if you take a sausage and incline the table so it rolls onto the floor. It is also a rather unpleasant and boring dish which is produced by using puff pastry at best, brushing it with mustard and filling it with a force meat whereafter you bake it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud on his primary subject, his first subject of food, told us about sausage rolls, kept going, got a point for speaking as the whistle went and has taken the lead. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. The subject, staying happy. Will you tell us ... a very serious subject, I might tell you. And Kenneth will tell you something about it now in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Staying happy, I presume, means keeping a nice feeling of geniality, amicability, all of the time. And of course itís quite literally impossible. I once stayed with a woman called Happy. And she served these foul lemon dumplings. And this girl Annette Hahn who I was staying with shot upstairs with her plate and shoved it all down the loo. But it kept coming back like a song and the cistern was being flushed all the time, you know...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Deviation. What is he talking about?

NP: Staying happy. Flushing the loo!

SH: I know, heís always talking about flushing the loo, but itís nothing to do with staying happy.

NP: No I got the picture, they were all very happy in those digs. I donít think he was deviating about staying happy and there are 31 seconds to continue starting now.

KW: Staying happy is of course best achieved, and donít we all know this, in our heart of hearts, that is being selfless, never giving a thought to your own problems, but becoming absoooooorbed in...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: For the absooooooorbed?

SH: Yes!

NP: Yes that did go on too long.

KW: A sustained sound is now hesitation is it?

SH: Well it was when I sustained a sound!

KW: Iíve taken your part in this game! You wait till I get you outside!

SH: Promises, promises! I canít wait!

NP: Sheila I think we give it to you on that one, 12 seconds, staying happy, starting now.

SH: I will try my best to stay happy until Kenneth gets me outside, and then I might stay happy for the rest of my life, when I discover whatís going to happen to me! It will be an incredible experience, it will teach me...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancock speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point, and is now in the lead with Clement Freud. But Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones only just behind. And Peter, your turn to begin. And the subject, my worst moment. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Yes I can remember it very well. I was living in Sussex at the time a couple of years ago, and at 1.00 just as I was getting ready for lunch, I was still sitting at the typewriter working in a script and the telephone rang. And a voice said "Mr Peter Jones?" And I said "yes". And it said "Iím speaking from this hotel in Peterborough, there are 110 ladies waiting here for you to speak them." And I then realised that nine months before I had agreed to go and address this ladies club...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Repetition of ladies.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid you couldnít find another way to express that organisation and weíll never know what happened, as Sheila takes over the subject of my worst moment, 25 seconds to go, starting now.

SH: My worst moment on this game is when I am given a subject and havenít the faintest idea what it is. Itís usually one that has been chosen for Kenneth Williams who is the erudite member of our panel. And I dread that he will hesitate, deviate or anything else, wherewith I have to press my buzzer and interrupt because I know I will then be lumbered with the same thing. And I will have abs...

WHISTLE

NP: Well in spite of her saying that her worst moment is when she canít keep going, she kept going and has increased her lead at the end of that round, ahead of Clement Freud. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject phlogiston, will you tell us something about that in the game....

SH: What?

NP: Phlogiston (pronouncing it flirgiston).

SH: Spell it!

KW: Heís pronounced it wrong! Itís flogiston.

NP: No it isnít! I always...

KW: Heís got no idea! I mean heís had no education! I donít know where they dragged him up from! I really donít! Heís got no idea, the great fool!

NP: When I was at school I was told it was flirgiston and itís p-h-l-o-g-I-s-t-o-n...

KW: Everyone knows that you pronounce it as in flog, flogi.

PJ: Flogiston!

KW: Exactly! Brilliant! Brilliant! Beautifully spoken too!

PJ: A village in the Lake District!

NP: Clement, Clement the subject is flirgiston or flogoston or whatever way you want to pronounce it and there are 60 seconds in which to try and talk starting now.

CF: Iíd like to pronounce it flogoston because that is the way in which I believe it was said in the olden days. Phlogiston was said to be something which was contained in every inflammable substance. And fire engines of those early days thought that if they could put out or extinguish the phlogiston, everything would be all right. I was once asked to lecture to some ladies at a hotel in Peterborough on phlogiston, when the most appalling thing happened. I suddenly realised that I should have been at home on the east coast writing a script on my typewriter...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Peter what have you challenged on?

PJ: What? Plagiarism!

NP: So...

PJ: He obviously wasnít invited, it must be rubbish! Nobody in their right mind would invite him to Peterborough or anywhere else to talk on that subject!

NP: They might invite him to Peterborough but they wouldnít have invited him once you were not available. So...

PJ: No! Quite!

NP: So I think thatís deviation and there are 12 seconds for you on phlogiston starting now.

PJ: Well there was something called anti-phlogiston which was a kind of ointment which was rubbed into the chest for people suffering from pulmonary diseases, and I in fact was a victim of one of these in my youth...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím glad you said flirgiston and supported me there Peter. Thank you very much. Ah you are in third place at the end of that round, just ahead of Kenneth Williams, but only one point behind Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock still in the lead. And Sheila your turn to begin, the subject is singing. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I am at the moment frantically doing singing lessons, which I do with a superb man called John Dorby who teaches in a very unorthodox way. He has me lying on the ground while he thumps my diaphragm in order to get...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones?

PJ: This is a family show! Steady on, Sheila, steady on! Now simmer down!

NP: Well with that warning from Peter Jones which did interrupt Sheilaís flow and got her diaphragm...

SH: And got me an extra point I hope!

NP: An extra point, yes. And uncongested you have 44 seconds on singing, starting now.

SH: In order to improve my breathing because thereby it strengthens my intercostal muscles. Also he has me shouting my head off which rather alarms the builders who are working on the opposite side of the street. I do things like mudaludabarzar and oooooooooooohweeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa! And my little daughter Joanna came with me the other day and came out doing maaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh all over the place, which again rather startled my husband and other daughter who is sitting in the audience today. At the end of all this I will be able to sing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud?

CF: Repetition of daughter.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so, yes, you have two daughters but you canít mention them twice in Just A Minute. Clement you have six seconds on singing starting now.

CF: Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition of oooh!

NP: Yes! Sheila you got in with a second to go on singing starting now.

SH: A...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancockís singing attempts have helped her to increase her lead at the end of the round including an extra point for speaking when the whistle went. And Kenneth weíre back with you to begin and the subject is James Watt. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well of course heís most distinguished for the work he did in steam. And his name is used as a unit of measurement, so to speak, in that very field. He studied at the University of Newcastle and was originally intending to be an instrument maker. But also had great talents as a surveyor and did a considerable amount of work in that direction. Now youíve often heard this stuff about him sitting and watching the kettle boil and getting the idea of steam from that. But itís not true. They brought into the classroom a new common engine...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he didnít get the idea of steam from that. He got the idea of power...

KW: Iíve just said itís not true, you great fool!

NP: You did say he got the idea of steam from that! You have the subject, you have 16 seconds to continue on James Watt starting now.

KW: Well of course, Iíve gone off it now, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: Well, if heís gone off it, give it to me!

NP: Well he may have gone off it but he still didnít deviate from the subject so he has 13 seconds on James Watt starting now.

KW: He improved on the original steam engine by...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of steam and steam engine.

NP: Yes, you see steamís not on the card which you canít repeat. So Clement was correct with that challenge, there are 11 seconds on James Watt, Clement, starting now.

CF: My daughter Emma always confused James Watt with Doctor Who....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, the subject is James Watt, not his daughterís conception of James Watt.

NP: It doesnít matter, he didnít deviate from the subject of James Watt...

KW: Of course he did! He was discussing his daughterís reactions!

NP: Yes...

KW: Nothing to do with James Watt, you great nit! What are you talking about?

NP: You were telling us James Wattís reaction to watching a steam kettle, so whatís the difference?

KW: Have you ever heard of anything so barmy in your life! I mean, we can all say...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ... my gran always used to say when it comes to James Watt, anyone could make up a load of rubbish like that, couldnít they!

NP: Yes and you frequently do!

KW: No, no, I...

NP: So we leave it with Clement Freud, he has six seconds on James Watt starting now.

CF: My granny always used to say....

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Well if Kenneth gets him for deviation, though he didnít!

NP: No he didnít!

PJ: He hesitated! He hesitated!

NP: No he didnít...

SH: Did he say my granny before? No, it was his daughter Emma before wasnít it?

NP: Thatís right!

SH: Yeah!

NP: His daughter Emma confused James Watt with Doctor Who and there was...

SH: Peter challenged too.

NP: That wasn't deviating from the subject of James Watt and what was your challenge Peter, that came after Sheilaís?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: No, both of them are wrong but he only gets one point. But he continues with the subject with four seconds on James Watt starting now.

CF: I could not have used 2927 watts...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones, no, I mean Clement Freud got a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went and heís now one ahead of Sheila Hancock who previously had the lead. Peter, itís your turn to begin and the subject Shang-ri-la. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I suppose weíve all got our secret Shang-ri-las in the backs of our minds. Mine is a Chines restaurant in Huddersfield. In 40 or so years when I decide to retire, I will think perhaps of going somewhere like this, and meeting all those other people whose lives have been spent...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. I donít believe he wants to go to this Chinese restaurant in 40 years time!

NP: I quite agree. And I donít...

PJ: How would he know?

NP: I bet...

PJ: How would he know what I want to do in 40 years time?

NP: Well even if you went to that Chinese restaurant in 40 years time you wouldnít meet all those people that you said youíd like to meet!

PJ: Well I shouldnít meet Kenneth Williams, thatís for sure! He wonít ever last the pace!

NP: Kenneth I give you the subject with 37 seconds on Shang-ri-la starting now.

KW: Well it was a marvelous film you know, this Shang-ri-la, and had this Ronald Coleman...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, the film wasnít called Shang-ri-la.

NP: The first film was.

KW: No, it was called Lost Horizon, but I mean it figured largely in the... the... the...

NP: Youíre quite right.

PJ: Lost Horizon it was called.

KW: Yes it was called Lost Horizon, Ronald Coleman, he was very old do you remember? All his face withered.

NP: Yes...

KW: Very nice!

NP: No his face didnít, his brothers did.

CF: Louis Rake, Louis...

KW: Oh was it?

NP: Yes.

KW: Well of course you were around when it was made!

NP: I saw the remake and... The film was not called Shang-ri-la, Clement has a correct challenge and there are 33 seconds on the subject starting now.

CF: My Shang-ri-la is a land in which there are no Nicholas Parsonsí! Moreover a place which is replete with dramatic pauses where you may hesitate, where you may repeat yourself as often as you like, and where nobody ever...

BUZZ

CF: ... presses a buzzer!

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Three wheres.

NP: Yes thatís right.

SH: Where you.

NP: Kenneth you have the subject, you have 18 seconds Shang-ri-la starting now.

KW: Perhaps it was most beautifully described by our poet laureate. And he said "that island valley of the Veleon where falls no rain nor any snow nor ever wind blows lively. But it lies deep in meadow fair with orchard yawn....

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams is getting some points at last. And heís moved forward, heís in third place but heís only one point behind Sheila Hancock and only three behind our leader Clement Freud. Peter, your turn to begin, the subject is good salesmanship. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well Iíve noticed in the last few years when I go into shops there are two salesmen there. I ask the price of an article or if I might purchase something. And the person I speak to is never informed. He always turns to his companion. And the chances are I suppose 50-50.... (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: You see what a difficult and impossible game it is! Sheila, your challenge?

SH: Repetition.

NP: Fifty, yes, 40 seconds are left for you, on good salesmanship, starting now.

SH: I once worked at the Ideal Home Exhibition, demonstrating a wash boiler. And I was incredibly good. I sold an awful lot of these afore mentioned objects. Until one dreadful day when I pulled out the wrong lever and 10 gallons...

BUZZ

SH: ... of water...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It sounds like bad salesmanship!

SH: But Iíll tell you how I got out of it you see.

CF: All right.

NP: How did you get out of it? I must give it to him because it was a good challenge. Or do you want to keep it?

SH: What do you mean?

NP: How you got out of it?

SH: No Iím not going to waste it! I might get the subject back!

NP: You might! Fine! And Iím told that itís the last round and youíre both very close as you surge forward on the last 20 and one half seconds, and you have the subject Clement starting now.

CF: To be very boring but totally succinct, good salesmanship means advising the correct purcahse to the man intending to purchase this..

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Purchase twice.

NP: Yes indeed, thatís right! And you have the subject of good salesmanship Kenneth with 10 seconds left starting now.

KW: (at breakneck speed like a horse racing commentator) The first time I bought a dog, it was in Club Row, and I was sold a pup! And Iím here to tell you that that was the first occasion in my life...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition of first.

NP: Yes! Iím afraid...

KW: Oh what a shame! I thought I was going to win!

NP: I thought you were going to have him for deviation! Iíve never heard him speak like that before! Deviation! Sheila you have one more point to get, you have four seconds left, good salesmanship, starting now.

SH: And the people said "what a terrible mess!" And I said "nonsense, you can wash your floors...

WHISTLE

SH: ... at the same time!

KW: What!

SH: Wash your floors! You see, Nick?

NP: So....

SH: Iím now proving you shouldnít have got me for bad salesmanship!

NP: No! There we are! So what did they say? You can now wash the floor...

SH: I said you can now wash your floors as well!

NP: Yes! Said that as the whistle went and got an extra point for doing so. Let me tell you that for once Peter Jones finished in fourth place but he gave his usual good value in the game which is the reason that we play it. And then came Kenneth Williams in third place, didnít quite catch up on Sheila Hancock and Clement Freud who disputed the lead throughout. But a very fair finish, they both finished up together equal. Our joint winners, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock! Well we hope you have enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute whether youíre in the British Isles or abroad where we know we have a lot of followers of the contest and the game. And we hope youíll want to tune in again. Till then from all of us here, goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC