JAM:CFreud,PJones,THawks,KHesketh-Harvey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 January 2000)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons and once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and also to welcome the four exciting, talented and experienced players of the game who have joined me this week. We are delighted to welcome back two of the long standing players of the game who've been with us since the show first began 33 years ago, and that is Peter Jones and Clement Freud. And we also welcome two of the younger generation of comedy performers, and weíre delighted to have Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Tony Hawks. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, and sheís going to help me with the score and also blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Theatre Royal in that beautiful, wonderful city of Norwich. We begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, what an apt subject to start any show, kicking off. Talk on that subject if you can, 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Well thatís something that they usually ask a celebrity to do at the football matches. But the phrase to me reminds me of the dramatic stories of ah, last minute... whatís the matter? The hero sees this girl in the middle of the river, and he kicks off his shoes. Now Iíve always wondered about that because itís frightfully difficult to kick shoes off if theyíre...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two shoes.

NP: Two shoes, you were kicking too many shoes off.

TONY HAWKS: Four shoes!

NP: Yes, four shoes. Clement a correct challenge, so you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject which is kicking off and there are 21 seconds available starting now.

CF: I had this friend who was a serial arsonist but couldnít find the first fire to light, and to kick off when you are doing something in sequence was incredibly difficult for him. So being a celebrity he went to a football match and kicking off the ball everyone applauded and he bowed, and the referee blew his whistle...

WHISTLE

NP: There is an experienced player of the game! A very very subtle, very well done, very clever Clement. And whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point and it was Clement Freud. Tony Hawks will you take the round, the subject is eastern promise. Tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

TH: I once came all the way to Norwich on an eastern promise, only to find that the girl in question had gone to Lowerstoft for the day, which was something of a disappointment because I was planning on taking her to Carrow Road to watch Norwich City, my thinking being that she...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Repetition of Norwich, I can barely bear to say it though.

NP: I know! We canít have...

TH: Of all places to repeat it, it could be here.

KHH: Of course it should be! Of course it should be!

NP: But in Just A Minute if you repeat it that is repetition...

TH: I have sinned, Iím sorry.

NP: No, no, not a sin, just broken the rules of the game. And Kit you have got a correct challenge, a point to you and you take over the subject which is eastern promise, 40 seconds starting now.

KHH: Itís a great pity that you listeners at home canít see Peter Jones in his pashmina and his cadori as he lies alluringly on the table, offering sherbet dip from his navel for us to lick at! He is as full of eastern...

BUZZ

NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Kitís on drugs!

NP: Have you got another challenge within the rules of...

TH: I just want some, thatís all! I want to see Peter in the same light! No I havenít, I er...

NP: Oh well, weíll give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption. But Kit was interrupted so he gets a point for that and he keeps the subject and there are 24 seconds still available Kit on eastern promise starting now.

KHH: As a local boy itís so thrilling to be here in the eastern most tip of our kingdom. Anyone whoís been in the dike...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged. I must say the moments you press your buzzer Clement are really very apt in this game. What is your challenge?

CF: Well Iíve been in the dike, but the eastern most tip is Lowerstoft.

NP: A correct challenge, geographically youíre correct...

CF: And appreciated!

NP: Oh deeply appreciated! Eighteen seconds still available to you, and itís another point to you Clement, eastern promise, starting now.

CF: I always think of Turkish Delight as having eastern promise and once stayed in a hotel in Ankara where a piece of this delicious sweetmeat was put on my pillow. It was so disgusting that I flushed it down the loo and it would not go...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: I donít think they have loos in Ankara!

NP: Nice thought, an amusing challenge but having been there I can tell you that they do, though maybe they call them something else. The... no, incorrect challenge, Clement youíve still got the subject, youíve got one second on eastern promise starting now.

CF: I put it in the bosphorous.

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking again as the whistle went, got an extra point for doing so and has got a strong lead at the end of the round. And Clement it is your turn to begin and the subject is lager louts. I donít know why you laugh, theyíre not very laughable creatures! But anyway thatís the subject Clement, will you talk on it, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: Lager lout is a sort of downmarket version of a leburgestraminer yobbo or a chateau der bougesyou villain. Lager as you will know is a slowly fermented beer and lout is someone, usually male, of poor manners and disgraceful behaviour. Lager louts mostly come about at football and cricket matches and make you feel uneasy, apprehensive. A Mexican wave is about the only way you can get out of being assaulted or injured or annoyed...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: You can give them a lager, that usually does it! I think a Mexican wave is useless defending yourself against a lager lout because your arms are in the air and they can go straight in the stomach!

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

TH: Well deviation.

NP: Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt Tony and say that you have 22 seconds on lager louts starting now.

TH: I think there should be a health warning on cans of lager saying beware: this drink might cause you to pick on someone much bigger than you. Because thereís no doubt about it, one does become much emboldened when one is full of...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KHH: There were lots of ones there.

NP: There were lots of ones there, yes.

KHH: Just one?

NP: So Kit you cleverly got in with only eight seconds to go...

KH: Oh eight.

NP: The subject is lager louts starting now.

KHH: Of course we donít have them in Norwich, weíre far too urbane and civilised and weíre witless most of the time anyway...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged.

PJ: Well itís not true, I saw one on the way in!

NP: Iím perfectly prepared to believe that Norwich has its little core of lager louts like any other part of our island. So Peter I say a correct challenge and two seconds, you can tell us something about lager louts starting now.

PJ: He was leaning against a lamp post...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. Heís equal with Kit Hesketh-Harvey, theyíre in second place, one point behind our leader Clement Freud. And Tony Hawks is behind them. And Kit itís your turn to begin, the subject is working for the opposition. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KHH: The most notable example if of course (raspberry noise) Ffion Hague, whose name in Welsh means my little rosebud. Very unfortunately and colloquial masiay means fundaments or colon which is perhaps why sheís not very keen on going into Europe. The other one is the recent Tory Defence Minister about whom we write a little song, Dom Portillo, enjoyed the occasional peccadillo! He put the bi into election, we say, and is this week, oh Iím wittering, Iím sorry!

BUZZ

NP: That is the joy of Just A Minute, you can witter away so entertainingly that they love it. A round of applause, but Tony Hawks you challenged first.

TH: Well I think there was wittering! I think hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, we canít be had for wittering because most of you do it all the time! But Tony correct challenge, 24 seconds, working for the opposition starting now.

TH: If you were a goalkeeper and you deliberately let in every shot that came your way during a football match I suppose it could be said that you were working for the opposition, or playing for Ipswich Town! So you see, look at it! Obviously Iím trying to ingratiate myself, I wouldnít do that when I was in that particular town and the joke might be the other way round, but who knows! But that would be something that Bruce Grobelaar was alleged to have done...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and now heís equal in the lead with Clement Freud. Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin, the subject, how I deal with bores. Sixty seconds, starting now.

PJ: Well I feign interest. And during my long career as an actor and er the training I received at the beginning, Iíve learned to be able to simulate interest, and have this expression of wide eyed wonder which I project towards the bore...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Iím just really worried because I shared a taxi with him and he looked really interested!

NP: Tony the only thing I can do is to say thank you for your interjection and give you a point for it because the audience clapped. I think thatís it. And Peter you were interrupted so you get a point for that...

PJ: Oh good!

NP: And you keep the subject, yes, 40 seconds are still available, how I deal with bores starting now.

PJ: Now if the bore comes to a halt and doesnít seem to be able to go on, I say "please do continue because Iím absolutely fascinated...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: This is exactly what happened in the taxi!

NP: I canít continue to give you bonus points Tony! Iíll just say we enjoyed it very much but Peter was interrupted, he gets another point and he continues, 17 seconds still available, Peter, how I deal with bores starting now.

PJ: Well Tony didnít actually halt! He talked all the bloody time! So I didnít have to say do go on! Because he did! Anyway if he had I would have asked him to try to prolong the monologue that he was delivering which would have been I am sure just as boring as the earlier part. Nevertheless he told me about his golf and going to Moldavia or Morovia or somewhere...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of ors.

NP: So Clement I give it to you and you cleverly got in with two seconds to go, another...

AUDIENCE CRIES OF "AWWWWW"

NP: Youíre going to have to work hard to win them back Clement. You had them in the palm of your hand at the beginning! But anyway, how I deal with bores, Clement, two seconds, starting now.

CF: I would get a black and decker rotary drill...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point, heís one point ahead of the others and heís just in the lead. Tony Hawks, your turn to begin, the subject, doilies. Tell us something about those dainty little things, doilies, 60 seconds, starting now.

TH: Doilies seem to me to be completely pointless things that you place underneath cake on plates. I donít know much about them despite visiting www doily.com...

BUZZ

TH: Iím sorry, I have to go and have a lie down now.

NP: Well thatís the fun of the game, itís almost impossible sometimes. To repeat it once, but to go on... Clement...

TH: Itís the only way you can visit that website!

NP: I know! Clement you were the first in there, and we all know what it was, repetition. You have doilies and you have 49 seconds starting now.

CF: Doilies were named after a man called Doily who lived in Croydon and invented those extraordinarily pointless pieces of paper and cloth which stop a cup or a glass leaving a mark on a polished table. Iím speaking slowly because I donít want to be...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Repetition of I.

NP: Well listened Kit, you got him on that one, doilies is with you now, 27 seconds starting now.

KHH: The most famous doily...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Kit has another point for being interrupted and 26 seconds to continue on doilies, Kit, starting now.

KHH: Well Richard and Bridget DíOyle Carte who were impresarios...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Richard.

KHH: No Richard and Bridget, sorry, itís my diction, love.

NP: Richard and Bridget, not Richard and Richard.

PJ: Oh I see! Well, youíre quite right, your er diction is er...

KHH: Slipping.

PJ: It is rather, yes!

NP: Twenty-one seconds, doilies, with you Kit starting now.

KHH: Put on a Savoy Opera with William Schwenk Gilbert and Arthur Seymour Sullivan. Made so much money that they could found a hotel, the Savoy Hotel, and I, oh Lord...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of Savoy.

NP: Yes thatís right, Savoy Hotel, 11 seconds with you Tony Hawks on doilies starting now.

TH: I suppose one of the wonderful things about doilies is that you can colour them in, if you have access to some felt pens. I used to do this a lot as a youngster, didnít have many hobbies or friends. Used to bore them actually, whenever I got into a taxi...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so and heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, but theyíre only two points ahead of the two who are equal in second place. And Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin. The subject is Norwich at night. Well theyíve obviously experienced it here in this audience. Youíve seen a little bit of it as you came in. But tell us more about Norwich at night in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Yes last time I was here I saw quite a bit of it. I went immediately to the part of Norwich which is described at the Soho of this town. And er I must say I um was amazed. I met a lady who was standing in a shop doorway (clears throat)... And er...

BUZZ

NP: You may well have paused after that Peter! Yes!

KHH: Iím so sorry, I just wanted to rescue the honour of my county.

NP: So your challenge is?

KHH: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. You saw the woman in the doorway and there was a long long pause.

PJ: Not very long!

NP: Kit youíve got 40 seconds to tell us something about the woman in the doorway... no, no, Norwich at night starting now.

KHH: We do as we... do....

BUZZ

KHH: Sorry!

NP: Clement yes?

CF: Hesitation, repetition of do.

NP: Clement, correct challenge to you, 38 seconds, Norwich at night, starting now.

CF: Norwich at night is very much like Norwich in the daytime, except that there is less light! I particularly miss Boundary Park where I used to go on many an evening to watch greyhound racing and lose money. Norwich is only 33 miles from Wolveswick where I live, and at night it is even more alluring than Southwold which I always thought was the biggest place anywhere until I came to Norwich. Adnams Ales, Green Kings, Colmans Mustard, the Saxon keith of the castle which is actually...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I think heís actually just talking about Norwich as opposed...

CF: At night!

TH: As opposed to Norwich at night, I was going to say. Heís just talking about Norwich. I want to hear more about Norwich at night. Iím going out afterwards! I want some tips!

NP: I think youíve got a legitimate challenge there.

TH: Thank you.

NP: He was going on about Norwich and comparing it with Wolveswick, Southworld and so forth and everything like that. And he wasnít emphasising the night aspect of the county. And youíve got in with half a second to go. Can in half a second you tell us anything about Norwich at night starting now.

TH: Chicagoís very...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks with those last two points is now back equal in the lead with Clement Freud, followed by Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Peter Jones in that order. And Tony Hawks it is your turn to begin. The subject, seeing a man about a dog. An interesting phrase which has often been used, but tell us about it, 60 seconds, starting now.

TH: I suppose seeing a man about a dog is a phrase used by people when they donít really want the other person with whom they are talking to know exactly what they are doing. Why it should be that, I donít know. Could be Iím seeing a Navaho Indian about an ironing board, that would work just as well in my opinion. I...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It wouldnít work in Norwich!

NP: And it certainly would not work as well as the well known phrase, seeing a man about a dog, they wouldnít know what you were talking about. So Peter I agree, deviation from the subject and you have 42 seconds on seeing a man about a dog starting now.

PJ: Well itís an euphemism for actually going to the lavatory, if youíll forgive me for explaining it in that straightforward manner... what?.. You see...

BUZZ

NP: Clement has challenged you. Clement whatís your challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He said what.

NP: He said what?

CF: Yes.

PJ: Thereís no, er, penalty for saying what is there?

NP: I think it was an incorrect challenge, so you still have 33 seconds to continue on seeing a man about a dog starting now.

PJ: Because I and many sensitive souls donít like to admit that their bladder is vulnerable, particularly if theyíve drunk a lot of lager and they have to go! And I donít blame them really. Because seeing a man about a dog is a fairly innocent thing to do, depending on the dog, of course...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: No.

NP: Why?

CF: Mistake.

NP: It was a mistake?

CF: Yes.

NP: So youíve actually been interrupted, you get another point for that...

PJ: Good!

NP: Yes! I like the way you fight for your points, Peter! Right...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged?

CF: Iíd like him to have another point.

NP: I donít think Peter wants charity, heís going to win his points. So Peter, you got the other point but not the second one, you have 11 seconds, seeing a man about a dog starting now.


PJ: There are devices which you can strap to your leg...

BUZZ

PJ: Iím not wearing mine at the moment!

NP: During that big laugh, Kit Hesketh-Harvey actually challenged you. What was your challenge?

KHH: I think he was on the previous subject, of that woman in the doorway, wasnít he?

PJ: No, no, no...

NP: No, no...

PJ: Heís rambling!

NP: No, no. So Kit it was an incorrect challenge, you were interrupted again then. Seeing a man about a dog, four seconds for you Peter starting now.

PJ: In my opinion, itís much better to get one of those napkins...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, got the extra point for doing so, and he did actually get quite a few points in that round. And he leapt forward and heís equal in the lead now with Tony Hawks and Clement Freud. And Kit Hesketh-Harveyís only one point so itís very fair. The contributions are so equally divided and now are the points as well. And Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The subject is Swiss Army knives. Tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

CF: This of course is also part of the same syndrome. It is a big red heavy thing which you have in your pocket and people say "are you about to see a man about a dog?" and you say "no, this is a Swiss Army knife. It is simply a massive size by virtue of the fact the Swiss Army knife has about it...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: He resorted to the visual, Iím sorry.

NP: I know! He did yes! He started demonstrating it. It is a tough game to keep going like that. Thirty-three seconds, Swiss Army knives, starting now.

KHH: I think itís completely bogus, itís a device. There is no Swiss Army. We all know that Switzerland is neutral. There is no Swiss Navy. Presumably...

BUZZ

NP: Who challenged? Tony Hawks, yes?

TH: Repetition of no.

KHH: And there is actually. There is no, I repeated the words.

NP: I know you did.

TH: Well how many, how many would you like?

KHH: Thatís probably about three points.


NP: Twenty-six seconds for you Tony on Swiss Army knives starting now.

TH: If I was in the Swiss Army, I would imagine that having...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, Kit has told us that there isnít one!

NP: So what do I there? He could be talking in a fantasy way about being in the Swiss Army, it might be a dream he had. I tell you what, I havenít done this for a long time. I shall put it to the superior judgement and wisdom of this delightful audience here at the Theatre Royal. You judge! If you agree with Peterís challenge, and you want him to have the subject, and you think itís a legitimate challenge, you cheer for him. And if you disagree, you all boo the challenge and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right thatís enough! Itís a long time since I did pantomime here, but thatís...

CRY FROM AUDIENCE OF "OH NO IT"S NOT"

NP: Right so I think the cheers had it to begin with and then the boos took over! Very strange! Iím going to give the cheers the benefit of the doubt, so Peter you have 22 seconds on Swiss Army knives starting now.

PJ: Why have I got 22 seconds?

NP: Because, because you had a correct challenge. The audience have said your challenge was legitimate! They cheered for you.

PJ: Oh I see!

NP: Right! Youíve got the subject, youíve got 22 seconds, youíve got Swiss Army knives starting now.

PJ: But if there were an Army and if you were...

BUZZ

NP: Who challenged? Tony, you challenged.

TH: There isnít an Army!

PJ: I said if!

NP: I know you said if! Now I gave it against Tony last time because it was a sort of supposition and so we use the same supposition. To be fair and redress the balance, I think itís only fair that I leave it with Tony this time.

CF: I think to be fair you ought to admit that thereís not only an Army in Switzerland, but they have conscription!

TH: Up until now, everything that Kit has said on the subject weíve taken to be gospel truth! He hasnít got a bloody clue what heís talking about! He knows nothing about Switzerland or its Army!

NP: So Tony you have the subject now, there are 17 seconds, Swiss Army knives, starting now.

TH: For seven years I was a sergeant in the Swiss Army. We fought many a fine battle...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes. I donít believe you were ever in the Swiss Army! I canít see you as a sergeant! Eleven seconds for you Clement, Swiss Army knives, starting now.

CF: It has a corkscrew, scissors, a contraption for getting grit out of a horseís hoof, and almost any number of useful things, whistle...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point and heís equal with Tony Hawks in the lead, followed in second place, two points behind by Peter Jones and Kit Hesketh-Harvey together. So Kit Hesketh-Harvey, the final round, the subject is kissograms, 60 seconds as usual and you start now.

KHH: Itís perfectly obvious that we canít be paid as performers in Just A Minute. This is merely a front for our actual role as kissograms. You can hire Peter Jones, dressed as Jemima Khan with more coal around his eyes than Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Nicholas Parsons puts on lederhosen...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree, there was a hesitation there, he mentioned my name and he hesitated. The... Kissograms is with you Peter, there are 43 seconds available starting now.

PJ: I once made a speech at the Dorchester and in the middle of it, a policeman, or somebody I thought was a policeman or policewoman...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Oh, two policemen.

NP: You repeated policeman.

PJ: I know I did.

NP: And they wanted to hear the story...

PJ: Theyíd rather hear the story than that pootling challenge!

NP: Clement did have a correct challenge, he has 36 seconds on kissograms starting now.

CF: Peter Jones was making an after dinner speech at the Dorchester Hotel when two policemen came in, dressed as deliverers of kissogram messages. One of them was naked, in fact no clothes at all, not even a helmet. Whereas the other one had a G string in purple and green. And my companion who is a brilliant performer at dinner tables all over the West End, was heard to say "excuse me, my Lord Mayor, ladies and gentlemen, lords, ladies and gentlemen...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud kept going until the end and took over Peterís story. He not only got a point for speaking as the whistle went but heís actually finished up ahead of all the other three and thereís only one point, so thereís Clement Freud, Tony Hawks, Peter Jones and Kit Hesketh-Harvey, one point separating each of them, but Clement you were out on top so we say you were the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four individual and talented players of the game, Tony Hawks, Peter Jones, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud. I also thank Janet Staplehurst for having helped me with the score and also Chris Neill our producer and director who helps to try and keep us in order, and also the creator of the game, we thank him immensely, that is Ian Messiter, and we also thank this lovely audience here in Norwich whoíve come from different parts of Norfolk to egg us on our way. We hope youíve enjoyed it. From me, Nicholas Parsons, from our players, from our audience, goodbye, tune in next time we play the game! Bye!

THEME MUSIC