JAM:CFreud,PJones,THawks,KHesketh-Harvey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 January 2000)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my infinite pleasure to welcome the many listeners that we have throughout the world and also to welcome the four talented, exciting, exuberant and irrandescently attractive players of the game that we have on the show this week. We welcome back two young distinguished performers. A very witty young man who is very clever on the stage, that is Kit Hesketh-Harvey. A very talented stand-up comedian, Tony Hawks. A very lovable and humorous man, Peter Jones, and a very witty and erudite creature, that is Clement Freud. Will you please welcome all four of them. As usual I am going to ask them to speak for Just A Minute if they can on the subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score and blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the handsome Theatre Royal in the heart of that fine city of Norwich. And we have a truly enthusiastic Norfolk audience in front of us to cheer us on our way as we begin the show with Tony Hawks. And Tony, what an apt subject, milking laughs. Sixty seconds, starting now.

TONY HAWKS: Whatís the fastest animal in the world? A snail if you throw it hard enough. Or put it on a high speed train. Perhaps pop it in a space shuttle. Thatís an example or at least an attempt at milking a laugh. I had one at the beginning and I tried to carry on with two further additions to that fantastic gag. The fact that I failed abysmally doesnít matter! The point is that I was attempting to milk a laugh which is the subject I have been given. And Iím so thrilled to be talking about because itís something Iíve always wanted to do, as a comedian. To milk a laugh means you donít need as much material. In this situation, all I need is one minute and I would be thrilled if I could do that But that wonít necessarily happen...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones, you pressed your buzzer, there was no noise but your light has come on in front of me.

PETER JONES: There you are, you see!

NP: What is your challenge? Your light came on, you have a challenge, what is your challenge? Hesitation, repetition or deviation? Youíve only been playing the game for 33 years!

PJ: Yes, well I think thereís something wrong with the mechanism.

NP: Peter, I donít think you have a legitimate challenge. Do you mind me saying so? No, you donít mind, all right. So that was an incorrect challenge...

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes. And so Tony that means you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, you have 16 seconds, milking laughs, starting now.

TH: A laugh is also a make or breed of cow in Scandanavia, and they go around milking these laughs all morning. Sometimes well into the afternoon. And frankly, itís a tribute to these people that they do it because the teats are very short...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Hawks who started the subject and finished with the subject and you wonít be surprised to hear that heís the only one whoís got any points at the end of that round. So Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject is Esperanto. Tell us something about that interesting subject in this game starting now.

PJ: Chickale heda, mutalayo. This is the way in which Esperanto societies always address their audience. It means in English, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I wonít repeat it because I shall be in trouble with Clement Freud. But itís a pretty embarrassing sort of language to know because itís very difficult to find somebody else who speaks it or can understand it. But we in the small clubs which are flourishing all over the country, in a very minor way, we do rather like it. Because it was invented by some pathetic man who couldnít think of anything better to do with his time than invent this er Esperanto. Did I say invent before?

BUZZ

NP: Yes.

PJ: Probably did!

NP: Tony Hawks, youíve challenged.

TH: Yes, I think repetition of invent.

NP: Yes you drew his attention to it Peter, and he challenged immediately. And you went for 57 seconds!

PJ: Yes! There you are!

NP: There you are, youíve got the audience with you, but youíve lost the subject, Iím so sorry. Because that was a correct challenge and I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and say Tony Hawks, you have a correct challenge, another point to you, and the subject is Esperanto, three seconds, starting now.

TH: There is no word for swingbin in Esperanto...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Tony Hawks has got all the points still. Heís got four points. Clement Freud will you take the next round, the subject, why Norfolk is so flat. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Norfolk is so flat because there are no great elevations, which is...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh...

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Well there are! This is a terrible terrible indictment of Norfolk. Anyone whoís tried to climb up the Castle Hill is absolutely savaged by it. Itís a litiginous and Spartan...

NP: Yes but on the other hand, Kit... glad to hear from you by the way, but the thing is heís giving his interpretation of why he considers Norfolk is so flat. You keep the subject Clement, 55 seconds on why Norfolk is so flat starting now.

CF: Which is...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation! Very slow off the mark!

NP: Yes but not slow enough to be hesitation Peter. Good try! Iím glad youíre fighting for it there Peter! Clement another point to you and why Norfolk is so flat, 54 seconds, starting now.

CF: Which is why it is such a good place for growing bananas and tropical fruit. You will all know that Norfolk is an island some 900 miles west of Sydney, which is the headquarters of the Melanese people, of whom I think Jonah Lomuís um family was...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey?

KHH: There was an um. There was an um.

NP: There was a hesitation. It was so clever and so interesting to take it over to that little island in the Pacific there. So ah Kit youíve got in, correct challenge, a point to you, 33 seconds, you tell us something about why Norfolk is so flat starting now.

KHH: It was Noel Coward, who came from Twickenham, God help him, which was like a plateau, who said this in the first place in his play Private Lives. Norfolk goes up and down all over the place. Itís Cambridgeshire that is flat! And Lincolnshire which was drained by dikes and Dutchmen in the 1680s. They are dreary beyond description, but here...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Heís talking about different counties altogether!

NP: Yeah but it was comparing...

PJ: Deviation.

NP: He was comparing them to Norfolk, Peter. And the audience enjoyed it because they realise he was defending Norfolk...

PJ: Weíre not here for them to enjoy it!

NP: Give Peter a bonus point, he tried so hard! He deserves it, the audience loved it. But he was comparing it to Norfolk, I got that impression very very strongly. So you have 10 seconds, with another point of course Kit, why Norfolk is so flat starting now.

KHH: Thereís a little bit of Setford Forest, Centre Parkís the most marvelous holiday which is flat. You can bicycle around in an eco friendly situation and not stretch your sinews...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Advertising!

TH: Absolutely! Heís got a Centre Park sweatshirt on as well!

NP: Well advertising is not one of the rules of Just A Minute! So you have half a second...

CF: Deviation from not advertising!

NP: Half a second, tell us more about why Norfolk is so flat, Kit, starting now.

KHH: The cliffs at Cherringham...

WHISTLE

NP: I think the way Kit Hesketh-Harvey was going on about Norfolk then, that if Iíd given it against him, Iíd have been lynched by this audience actually! At the end of that round Kit is now in second place behind Tony Hawks. And Kit would you begin the next round, the subject, spare parts. Tell us something about spare parts in Just A Minute starting now.

KHH: With the chronic shortage in the NHS of spare parts for organ transplants, I am happy tonight to announce that Iím opening Nicholas Parsons up and distributing his giblets among the audience tonight. His teeth are heavily reconditioned, I grant you, but would grace the mouth of any 19 year old! His brain is tiny, but barely used! Most importantly there is his nose! Who would not be happy to walk through the Maddermarket, strutting...

BUZZ

KHH: ... proudly saying I have the Parsons Nose!

NP: Kit! Iíll forgive you for all the rest but the last gag you just got in! But Tony Hawks challenged you before the Parsons Nose!

TH: Well he said who would not be happy, and me frankly!

NP: So what is your challenge?

TH: I was a bit late, I was er...

NP: Iíd love to give it against Kit after the things he said!

TH: Oh right! Er well er... I havenít got a challenge!

NP: No right then! You just enjoy coming in like that. It was a very good thing but it didnít get a huge reaction so I canít give you a bonus point, so Kit youíve still got the subject and youíve got 38 seconds and another point of course, spare parts starting now.

KHH: I have lately been having the most awful trouble with my big end. And (starts giggling)

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged. Tony you challenged first.

TH: I have got a challenge this time!

NP: Yes!

TH: Um yes I think the thought of his big end and the trouble he had with it made him lost for words and he hesitated.

NP: Absolutely! He collapsed! He collapsed with giggles, so Tony, a correct challenge, a point to you and 32 seconds, you tell us something about spare parts starting now.

TH: Itís very difficult to work out whether your parts are actually spare or not. Iíve got mine with me here tonight and Iím not really using them. But are they spare? Maybe Iíll find out if I go out in Norwich this evening to Chicago and find a suitable use for them. Because they are frankly redundant as I sit here. I want to use my parts in a more...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KHH: Used, used. Too many uses of used.

NP: You were using your spare parts too much. Nine seconds available, spare parts, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, starting now.

KHH: Thereís a funny little cul de sac in my intestinal track. Itís my in... dappendix!

BUZZ

KHH: Oh God!

NP: Peter you got in first.

PJ: Yes he er hesitated.

NP: Well he stumbled which we call hesitation Peter, so...

PJ: Yes all right, he stumbled.

NP: And two seconds, you tell us something about spare parts starting now.

PJ: Itís very difficult to get them!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, heís in second place behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Tony Hawks, our equal leaders. And Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin, the subject, a peculiar practice. Now tell us something about a peculiar practice, starting now.

PJ: Well it would be if you can imagine a doctor collecting as many spare parts as he possibly can, paying for them very often, and then keeping them in a fridge until he hopes the price may rise. And there are doctors who are unscrupulous enough, Iím sure, to do this, depriving people who need them, like Tony Hawks, poor man! Um, and er they donít ever seem to be able to get them. Because they canít collect enough money ah to ah subscribe to this ah doctorís income...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-harvey has challenged.

KHH: Well he stopped really.

NP: Yes he did. Yes I think it was more than a pause...

PJ: Knowing when to stop is one of the great secrets of entertainment.

NP: I know, but itís...

PJ: Well, good night all!

NP: But itís disastrous in Just A Minute. So Kit you had a correct challenge and there are 22 seconds available, a peculiar practice starting now.

KHH: Itís a little known fact about the Australian composer Percy Grainger that he was a sado-masochistic flagellant. So when you hear...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, and Peter challenged after it. Clement what was your challenge?

CF: I think we all knew that!

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Clement you have a peculiar practice, 13 seconds, starting now.

CF: The Spanish have this very peculiar practice of calling people Portillo and getting English women to marry their men and bring them into infiltrate our Parliament...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, and heís moved forward, heís now in second place behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey our leader. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject, if I were King for a day. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: If I was King for a day, straight after breakfast I would summons my Privy Council and tell them to pass an edict whereby I remained King for the rest of my life! I would then settle back and bring in that splendid concept of nepotism rules ok! There are in my family a huge number of tremendously useful secretaries of state, ministers, heads of quangoes and chairmen of public companies in whom I as King for the day, in fact longer, would be able to influence, if I needed...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think he was stumbling there, and thatís what we call...

CF: Is that a rule?

NP: I would say hesitation from the normal pace at which you go Clement, you were getting slower and slower... and slower until I think that was a legitimate hesitation. So Peter you have 18 seconds, you tell us something about if i was King for a day starting now.

PJ: Well I should look round and ask friends if they knew anybody like Mrs Simpson. And if they did Iíd probably invite her to join me on the throne, which would be, of course, against the law. But nevertheless it would be rather nice to have a companion...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, heís moved forward, heís now equal in third place with Tony Hawks, one point behind Clement Freud and heís one point behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey, our leader at this moment. And Kit, itís your turn to begin, the subject, oh, a very apt subject for Norwich, mustard. Tell us something about mustard starting now.

KHH: As you no doubt stand bedazzled by the architectural beauty of this fine city, it is interesting to note that theyíre all paid for by mustard in the most part. Colmanís of Norwich, Lord Lieutenant of this county, benefactors of the art gallery in the Castle Museum, and builders of the hospital. What a lovely subject is mustard! It goes terribly well with pork if you put garlic and cream on it. Um, somebody say something...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: There was an um there.

NP: There was, it was a hesitation.

PJ: Right!

NP: So Peter you tell us something about mustard, and 33 seconds available starting now.

PJ: Well there are some fish that will be improved with the addition of a little mustard smeared around the er top to bottom...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, top to bottom. Clement, 26 seconds available, mustard, starting now.

CF: When I as a child in East Anglia, saw a field that was yellow I knew that it was mustard, and I kept thinking it was mustard although now... every... piece of land of that colour...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I think there was a slight hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, yes, 14 seconds, you tell us something about mustard Tony starting now.

TH: If I was King for a day Iíd have lots...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation from the subject.

NP: No, he hasnít got going yet, he might have said heíd have mustard every single day.

TH: Thatís exactly what I was going to say!

NP: He hadnít really got established so that was an incorrect challenge, 11 seconds for you still Tony on mustard starting now.

TH: Iíd have mustard every single day...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition! You just said that!

NP: Give Clement a bonus point, we enjoyed the challenge but Tony was interrupted, he gets a point, and he continues with mustard, nine seconds starting now.

TH: It is in fact my favourite colour. Iíve got it on the walls of my kitchen at home. It would have been cheaper to have bought paint and put that up there! I smeared it on, the place smells, nobody comes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And Peter, your turn to begin. The subject, the dos and don'ts of radio. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PJ: Well I guess I wish I knew. Iíve never been awfully good at talking on the radio, because Iím apt to hesitate, deviate or whatever else I can do, you know, to make it more difficult and easier for the other people that are in the game. Donít ever insult the er.... (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Tony hawks has challenged.

TH: I think heís lost the will to live there!

NP: I think he lost something, I must say! But Tony correct challenge of hesitation, 33 seconds available, the dos and doníts of radio starting now.

TH: (In posh voice) Do talk nice and clearly like I am doing at the moment. Donít mumble incomprehensibly (starts to mumble) like that sort of thing because they canít hear...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of mumble.

NP: Thatís correct, he went erwrwrewrerwrw! And that was a repetition of ergh! So itís legitimate...

TH: I want it written out or Iím not going to accept it!

NP: Clement I give you a correct challenge and 23 seconds, the dos and doníts of radio starting now.

CF: Iíve found that one of the dos on radio if you are a performer is to bring your mobile telephone. It makes such a huge difference, in the middle of having it on the station, being on the programme, whatever, somebody rings up and gives you an important message, and you let it ring for quite a long time...

BUZZ

NP: Tony...

TH: Repetition of ring.

CF: Repetition of ring.

NP: Yes, repetition of ring. So Tony, no need to worry, you lost the subject but you got in with only three seconds to go, having gained another point, and the subject is the dos and doníts of radio starting now.

TH: You really donít want doggy does on radio. They are a distinct...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks gained points in the round and also one for speaking as the whistle went, gained, heís moved forward, heís equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And Clement, your turn to begin, the subject is pow-wow. That is the subject. Tell us something about it in this game starting now.

CF: It sounds like an email address and is one of the very few words that has three Ws in it. It is actually a North American Indian chieftain, and in itís verbal form, a sort of chat between such a pow-wow and his people. Pow-wow is um conversation of...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: Um er a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, um is hesitation yes, 38 seconds Kit, you tell us something about pow-wow starting now.

KHH: You shall hear how Hiawatha calls the elders of his village, Minnie Haha, Laughing Water, Knobbly Kneecaps...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged. Knobbly Kneecaps!

CF: Repetition of ha!

NP: Iím not sure, it wasnít hyphenated, is it?

KHH: No, itís all one word, haha.

NP: Haha, no, but we work in the, in the...

KHH: You might as well say pow-wow is repetition.

NP: No, thatís two different word, pow and then wow.

KHH: The ow is repeated.

NP: No we are working in the realm of sound and that is correct, itís a clever challenge. Clement I must give it to you, repetition of ha, 31 seconds, pow-wow, starting now.

CF: Pow-wow has entered our language these days as a sort of chat between politicians, farmers, doctors..

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged, Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: We had chat before, didnít we?

CF: Chats we had.

KHH: Oh did we? Iím sorry.

NP: Clement, another point, 24 seconds, pow-wow, starting now.

CF: Will you come to my house after school for a pow-wow, I used to say to my friends many years ago. I have very few now. And some arrived as we sat down and pow-wowed until the cows came home. We lived on a farm...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: Repetition of ow, there was an ow in cow and an ow in pow-wow.

NP: No, theyíre only if the word! Itís very clever of you actually to try and get back and hoist him on that particular petard, whatever it is. Iíll give you a bonus point, it was a very clever, er, thought, but it wasnít correct within the rules of Just A Minute so Clement has another point and he has pow-wow still, nine seconds, starting now.

CF: I think that was actually one of the cleverest challenges that has not been taken...

BUZZ

NP: So what was your challenge Tony ?

TH: I think deviation. I think heíd clearly run out of things to say about pow-wow and was just talking about whether he was going to get challenged or not.

NP: Yes...

TH: And I think he was filling in and I didnít want to see it happen.

NP: I think he did deviate. He certainly spoke to me which was deviation from pow-wow. And everybodyís got so many points in that round. You got another one and youíve got three seconds on pow-wow, Tony, starting now.

TH: I once said to a slightly deaf business partner of mine, buy a pow...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, Clement Freud is in a strong lead. No, heís not strong, heís in a lead, just ahead of Tony Hawks, and then Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Peter Jones in that order. And thereís still some points to be won, we have one more round. Kit Hesketh-Harveyís going to begin it, itís his turn and the subject is the journey home. How apt for a final round. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

KHH: Well as soon as this pow-wow is over, I shall head down the A47 through Derram, and Setford Forest to Centre Park, where I shall go round and... round (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: I think they were clapping the elliptical um er illusions you were giving, rather than the fact you made a mistake and said round and round. Clement you were first so Clement you have a repetition, 45 seconds tell us something about the journey home starting now.

CF: I shall go to Norwich Station and take an Anglian railway train via Stowe Market and Ipswich, Manningtree, Colchester, Chelmsford, Brentwood, Liverpool Street, where a taxi will await me to take me to York House in Upper Montague where I reside. This is in the city of London. The postal...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged.

KHH: Is it in the city of London?

CF: Yes.

KHH: Oh sorry, I thought it was near Wimple Street.

NP: Are you having a little private conversation, the two of you, sitting side by side? We have to accept... so are you challenging Kit?

KHH: Iím sorry, no, I thought it was deviation, but itís obviously not. Upper Montague is in the city of London.

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: What number? I want you to put the kettle on, Iím coming round for a cup of tea.

NP: So Clement you have another point, 17 seconds, the journey home, starting now.

CF: The postal code is W1 H...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Thatís not about the journey home, itís about the destination!

NP: That is... That ringing applause endorses the correctness of your challenge Peter, so youíve got in with 12 seconds, you tell us something about your journey home, or actually the subject is the journey home, starting now.

PJ: Well it can be the very best part of the evening! According to how you play your cards. Now it can cause trouble of course. It has done...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones with that last flourish brought that round to an end, and also brought the show to an end. He got an extra point for doing so, but alas, he finished up in fourth place. But only just behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey who was only just a point or two behind Tony Hawks. But a few points out in the lead was Clement Freud, so Clement we say you are the winner this week. It only remains for me to say thank you to our four individual and talented players of the game, Tony Hawks, Peter Jones, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud. I also thank Janet Staplehurst for having helped me with the score, and also Chris Neil our producer and director who helps to try and keep us in order, and also the creator of the game, we thank him immensely, that is Ian Messiter. And also we thank this lovely audience here in Norwich, whoíve come from different parts of Norfolk to egg us on our way. We hope youíve enjoyed it. From me, Nicholas Parsons, from our players, from our audience, goodbye. Tune in next time we play the game! Bye!

THEME MUSIC