JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,BTook,PCook
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, BARRY TOOK and PETER COOK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 March 1979)

NOTE: Peter Cook's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Barry Took and Peter Cook in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and hello once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we have two guests this week, a Cook and a Took. And theyíre going to take on our two regulars, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. But a great pleasure to welcome Barry Took and Peter Cook. And as usual theyíre going to try and speak for Just A Minute, you neednít bother with that, save it for later, ah, if they can on the subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams and it is my other self. Kenneth can you tell us something about my other self in 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: My other self or ought...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged right away. Peter?

PETER COOK: I thought Iíd better get in early, er because er otherwise I might not be noticed and I have to bring up the possibility of deviation here. Ah...

NP: You mean...

PC: ...the other self which is being talked about, which self is he talking about and has he deviated from himself while heís talking about himself?

NP: Well the only deviationís that occurred is that the feller never even started yet! Itís the first time that anybodyís buzzed within the first second since the series started many years ago. So it was a wrong challenge Peter but nice to hear from you and the listeners now know youíre here as well and didnít miss your bus!

BARRY TOOK: I thought he did awfully well!

NP: Yes! And that was Barry Took and um Kenneth Williams still has the subject with a point for a wrong challenge, of course, and there are 58 seconds on my other self starting now.

KW: It is the side few people other see! I closely guard this private person, because all of us do cherish some secret feeling, which we feel if it were to be portrayed...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Took has challenged.

BT: Well I thought he was going on alarmingly! I mean there was feel and feeling. It was, he was getting all emotional about himself!

NP: Yes but you can still be emotional, thatís not deviation in Just A Minute. Kenneth you have 42 seconds to continue with my other self starting now.

KW: It was Emerson, I believe, who said we have as many personalities as we have friends. Mine constnatly are varied and extraordinary. Many times people say "well we saw a side of you we didnít know existed. Oh how wonderful it was to have the curtain or the veil as it were lifted on your proclivities. We do like to see this kind of thing." And of course it is true that when we do see something which we didnít think...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: Thereís a constant stream of we-wees! Thatís repetition!

NP: That was repetition yes and Peter I give you the correct challenge, a point for that of course, and there are nine seconds left on my other self starting now.

PC: I like to think my other self is still where I always used to keep it, on my motherís shelf. She believes that that part of me that she adores...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Ian Messiter blows his whistle after 60 seconds and whoever is speaking at that point gets an extra point. And on this occasion it was our guest Peter Cook. So heís got two points in that round and Kenneth Williams got two points and theyíre equal in the lead. And you neednít clap because itís not really worth it! Clement Freudís going to begin the next round and the subject is the one I sit next to. Clement can you tell us something... for the sake of the listeners it was a very sardonic look from Clement towards Kenneth Williams which got the laugh. Sixty seconds, Clement starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Can I begin by saying good evening and I didnít come late, I just didnít get in on the last round. The one I sit next to is the only man with a duo-syllabic surname among the four of us on the team. And his name is Kenneth Williams, actor, journeyman performer, comes all the way from Great Portland Street, thin, balding, hard of hearing, eagle eyed, bad feet...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, Iím not balding!

NP: Yes! I quite agree! You were very slow there Kenneth!

KW: Well Iíve only, only come to, you see, in the middle of it, the peroration, you see!

NP: Because otherwise all this audience would think that would be a top piece youíve got...

CF: Bal-ding! Bal-ding!

KW: Well Iím not bal-ding!

NP: No!

KW: I mean you askíem! You ask Ďem Nick! You ask Ďem!

NP: No, ask Ďem to give a little tug!

KW: Do I look balding! Oh they say yes!

NP: Kenneth I agree you are not balding, well preserved for your years, on your top-piece as well as well as elsewhere. Um 31 seconds on the one I sit next to starting now.

KW: He is of course as you all know the Liberal MP for Ely, the Isle...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He was going to correct himself. Itís the Isle of Ely.

KW: I was going to say that!

CF: Oh!

KW: I mean...

CF: You give him another point.

KW: You took the words right out of my mouth.

NP: No, no, I think, Iím sure that some people...

KW: He took the words right out of my mouth!

NP: Yes I...

KW: He doesnít know where theyíve been!

NP: I know some people colloquially might refer to it as that, I know correctly it is the Isle of Ely. So we leave it with Kenneth, with a point for a wrong challenge and 25 seconds left starting now.

KW: And a great pleasure it has been for me over the years to sit next to a man of such distinction and with such academic excellence. It is unusual in an age noted for its illiteracy and stupidity to find this kind of rich repository. I have therefore made use of it on more than one occasion and have gone to the...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: Doesnít make sense! You were talking about him and then you referred to him as it! Heís either an it or a him!

NP: A very good challenge of deviation Peter and youíve got in with three seconds to go. And youíve got somebody in that audience who keeps trying to clap every time I mention your name! And not only that she keeps moving as well, so youíve got someone running around. Three seconds Peter on the one I sit next to starting now.

PC: The lonely clapper is the lady...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Cook our guest got in again just before the whistle went and spoke as he did so and got that extra point. And heís still in the lead but alongside Kenneth Williams. Theyíre the only ones to score so far. Barry Took will you take the next round. The subject is the thing in my attic. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

BT: The thing in my attic turned out to be as soft and as pink as a nursery. I didnít know what it was for many years and I didnít like to go up there and look because I had a horrible suspicion it might be Kenneth Williams. But then again I thought "well if I go up and peer about the place it might be furry and dark with things hanging off it. A hint of verdigree in the twilight, and I wouldnít like really to come face to face with something that I wanted not of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of face.

NP: Yes, face to face. Unfortunately yes but a very..

BT: Itís hard to do it on your own you know!

NP: I know! A lot of people have discovered that! Not only in Just A Minute!

BT: Oh I see!

NP: Clement you have 30 and one half seconds on the thing in my attic starting now.

CF: The thing in my attic is a burst water pipe which didnít just stay in the attic but cascaded down into the bedroom, then on...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, the pipe didnít cascade!

NP: No I quite agree!

KW: What it contained, what it contained might have done! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Iím often taken aback by my own brilliance!

NP: The water maybe but not the pipe...

CF: Yes!

NP: Oh come on Clement how will you justify that!

CF: The ceiling came down, the whole thing!

NP: Thatís too late, you didnít establish it early enough! Kenneth has a correct challenge and 20 seconds on the thing in my attic starting now.

KW: The thing in my attic is something on which I am not competent to talk about, because I havenít got an attic! But I will...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Better shut up then! Not competent to!

NP: No I think heís perfectly competent to talk about the thing...

CF: He said he wasnít.

NP: Well heís still making an effort to do so which is what happens in Just A Minute...

KW: Thatís right!

NP: And heís making that effort vainly maybe. But 15 seconds are left on the subject starting now.

KW: I would imagine in my attic, so to speak, of the mind, I would find a treasure house of...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: He said he hadnít got an attic, how do we know heís got a mind?

NP: Iím going to put this one to the audience I think!

KW: I havenít, I havenít come here to be insulted!

NP: Well itís up to them, Iím not going to judge on whether Kenneth Williams has got a mind or not! So if you think that Kenneth Williams has got a mind, and you agree with Peter Cookís challenge you cheer for him an dif not you boo for Kenneth Williams and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre all convinced youíve got a mind!

BT: Itís like Peter Pan, this is!

NP: Yes!

BT: Wonderful!

NP: Yes! Weíll have the song sheet in a moment!

CF: Yes!

NP: There are eight seconds, you have an incorrect challenge Peter, you keep the subject Kenneth, the thing in my attic starting now.

KW: An old copper kettle which if you polish it very...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: He canít have an old copper kettle in his mind!

NP: No, of course not! Well done Peter, five seconds on the thing in my attic with you starting now.

PC: The thing in my attic has grown so large after... over the last year...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you wicked so-and-so! And thereís half a second to go, got in on our guest just before, the thing in my attic starting now.

CF: Upstairs!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud got some points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went, but he hasnít caught up our two leaders. The situation now is that Kenneth Williams has overtaken Peter Cook and heís out in the lead, Peter in second place and he is also going to begin the next round. The subject for you Peter Cook, is Queen Victoriaís nickers. Iím sure that Ian Messiter who thinks of the subject feels you have personal knowledge or experience of this. So we ask you to try and go for 60 seconds on that starting now.

PC: The important subject of Queen Victoriaís nickers was drawn to my attention when a pair of these undergarments was auctioned at Sothebyís and fetched 250 pounds. Now in Victorian times a pair of the nickers of that type would have only cost 1p, that being the going rate with Victoria. And people are buying these nickers as a hedge against inflation. They are not putting nickers up in their gardens to shield themselves from the winds. Rather they are putting these nickers in their attics or in their drawers to enable them to keep hold of something of value...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít put nickers into drawers!

NP: Itís a very good challenge but it deoends on the drawers obviously! Maybe not into your drawers! But you could into the drawers of your other chest!

PC: Where do you put Ďem? Filing cabinets?

CF: Under N!

NP: Peter Cook has an incorrect challenge, he keeps the subject and he still has Queen Victoriaís nickers, metaphorically speaking of course, starting now.

PC: In the view that Queen Victoriaís nickers will always be going up, the publisher flocked to buy nickers as a... type of investment...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, and Clement Freud has the subject of Queen Victoriaís nickers and there are eight seconds left starting now.

CF: Queen Victoria wore her nickers in Sandringham, which gave rise to the word Norwich, standing for nickers off, ready when I come home!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement finished that round with a nice flourish as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Heís one behind Peter Cook whoís one behind Kenneth Williams whoís still our leader. And Kenneth is going to begin the next round. Eleanor Duce. Can you tell us something about her in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course it should be pronounced Du-say, Eleanora Du-say.

NP: Yes.

KW: And of course in so doing I realise I have repeated myself, but I am allowed to do so because it is the subject on the card. This lady was born near Venice and began her theatrical career in Italy and scored an enormous success. And then took by storm all the capitals. London, she played Paris, Berlin, and of course New York. Now then she retired from the stage having given what she said was her all, and decided to have a rest. But was... persuaded...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Took has challenged.

BT: Well he hesitated.

NP: Yes he did, and the subject is either the anglicised Eleanor Duce or Eleanora Du-say and you have 25 seconds on the subject starting now.

BT: Well if her name was Eleanora Du-say it sounds as if she was French. But I am given to understand that the lady in question was in fact an Italian actress. And a superb one who learnt everything she knew in the theatres of Rome, Milan, Florence, er, then she traveled to, to France...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: Hesitation over her travels. Then she traveled er to France. Did she travel air to France or did she get on a boat and go to France?

NP: I donít think he hesitated enough to really warrant a fault within the game so Barry keeps the subject and there are five seconds on Eleanor Duce starting now.

BT: In...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Barry Took has another point and four and a half seconds on the subject starting now.

BT: In...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged a second time. Yes I agree that time! There are three seconds on the subject starting now.

CF: I never saw...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Took challenged.

BT: I just wondered if my buzzer was working!

NP: Well you got in that time all right! What is your challenge? You better say something!

BT: Ah I thought he hesitated in a most scurrilous way!

NP: Absolutely right! Two seconds with you Barry Took.

BT: When, when Eleanor Duce arrived in Paris one of the most peculiar things...

WHISTLE

NP: So Barry Tuke, or Took, Iím so sorry, that was the accent, the Italian...

BT: Itís pronounced Tuse!

PC: Tuke!

NP: Ah Tuke!

PC: Tuke! My name is really Peter Cuke!

BT: (in Italian accent) Some of us go to Norway for our holidays

PC: And Denmark!

BT: (in Italian accent) And Denmark, itís very playful but I am going to Copenhagen.

NP: If our two Scandinavian impersonators will desist for a moment Iíll tell you that Barry Tuke or Took did get a lot of points in that round and heís only one point behind Clement Freud and Peter Cook, who are one point behind Kenneth Williams. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, a good role, Just A Minute, starting now.

CF: Itís almost anybodyís guess what is meant by a good roll. But if I use it in culinary terms I suggest that it is a large roll, filled with best Jersey butter and thereafter a selection of meats and fishes, pickles and chutneys, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, radishes, horse as well as the garden variety, and the colour should be red...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Weíve gone a long way from a good roll, weíve gone into vegetation I think! I think deviation...

NP: I think...

KW: Deviation of the worse kind!

NP: I think if you got all that into a roll it really would be a good roll.

KW: Exactly! Hear hear! Hear hear! Very good chairman! You see the ruling is excellent!

NP: Clement you keep the subject, there are 33 seconds left starting now.

CF: Psyche is a role I never ever played. Not in any play. Not at school, university, the Army, politics or the Church Lads Brigade which never would take me as a member although I tried regularly on alternate Tuesdays throughout the years of 1929 to 36 through 48...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: You started off on this bread roll full of rubbish and now er youíve drifted into the er theatrical...

NP: I think...

PC: I donít know, can you move away?

BT: I think you can get him on, I think you can get him on repetition because he said every other Tuesday.

NP: You know actually I agree with your challenge Peter Cook, so you have eight seconds on a good role starting now.

PC: A good roll should be stuffed with spinach! And jetís not mess about with any kind of condiment or elemencio as the French would say!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Cook was speaking as the whistle went, got an extra point and he is now in the lead with Clement Freud, and Kenneth is one behind them. And Barry Tookís going to begin the next round. The subject is quanting. Will you tell us something about that In Just A Minute Barry starting now.

BT: Always assuming that quanting is nothing to do with Mary Quant, I can only suppose that a quant is a pole for propelling a boat along canals and waterways. And the pole that you actually use to quant has a cap on it, so I am told reliably. Or a bowler hat or indeed any kind of headgear. Itís mainly used by the bargees of the East Coast so that the act of quanting is the act of pushing the boat out. Now I had always assumed until I got that piece of priceless information, er, that it was a rude saying, as in "you have been tried and found quanting!"

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: Very very long pause for a laugh!

NP: Yes!

BT: And a very small laugh for it, Mr Chairman!

NP: Yes I canít give you any points for the laugh, but I can give Peter a point for the pause and give him the subject, with 17 seconds, Peter Cook, on quanting starting now.

PC: What little information we have got about quanting from Mr Took could be written on the paper I am holding on my hand! But I would say about quanting...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Took has challenged.

BT: Well the longest pause that Iíve ever heard in my life!

NP: Not the longest but it was a pause...

BT: Well a pause of sorts!

NP: So Barry gets the subject back and there are six seconds on quanting starting now.

BT: Quanting is one of those things that... feat...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Ah yes, hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: I think so again, yes, three seconds, you have got the subject of quanting now Kenneth starting now.

KW: What Barry Took has failed to tell you about quanting is....

WHISTLE

KW: ... that the pole.... hang on! Hang on! I havenít told you! I havenít told you! You clapped before I told you! The pole has on it a prong to stop it sinking into the mud. That is the whole point of the quanting you see.

NP: Well thatís got...

KW: As opposed, as opposed to your punting. Where your punting you see, youíve got no prong sticking out.

BT: You mean a punt pole goes straight through the bottom...

KW: It goes straight down, you see, and could land you right in the mire!

NP: Kenneth, letís play Just A Minute. You got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went...

KW: Hooray!

NP: ... and youíre back in the lead!

KW: Hooray! Oh frabjous day!

NP: Alongside our guest Peter Cook! And Clement Freud and Barry Took are only a little way behind. And Peter Cook, itís your turn to begin, the subject is UFOs. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PC: The truth about unidentified flying habits is that perhaps in the vast spelughrer (goes into gibberish)

BUZZ

PC: Itís an old disease of mine!

NP: Barry Took has challenged you. What is your challenge Barry?

BT: Well I thought a certain amount of hesitation.

NP: Yes I think weíll give you hesitation.

PC: I think the word splat eirgh wah constituted hesitation.

NP: Thatís very, I think thatís very noble and honest of you Peter, you could have said it was Martian language! There are 40...

PC: Oh it is!

NP: Forty-seven seconds, Barry Took, UFOs starting now.

BT: UFOs have charted by many people in many lands and many times sightings have...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Three manys.

NP: Too many manys.

BT: Oh.

CF: Two manys too many!

NP: Forty-three seconds Clement on UFOs starting now.

CF: Itís an extraordinary thing to hear how many people disbelieve in UFOs, when you consider that those three letters only stand for unidentified flying objects. And almost anything that flies has got to be an object. And if you donít know what it is thereís a very strong argument for being unable to identify it. So when people come up to me and say do you believe in those things, I say well frankly, yes, because I have no ability to tell one aeroplane from another Zeppelin or a third fighter. And when somebody says how about UFOs...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two somebody says!

NP: Yes quite right, well listened, six seconds are left for you Kenneth on the subject of UFOs starting now.

KW: There was in New Zealand a pilot who had in the aeroplane a camera and he did photograph...

WHISTLE

NP: This week itís Kenneth Williams whoís getting in just before the whistle each time and getting that all important pointed amy point... heís getting the extra point anyway! And heís now in the lead by himself at the end of that round and heís going to begin the next round and I think it might even be the last one. The subject Kenneth is sunsets. You have 60 seconds as usual and you start now.

KW: Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me,
And may there be no moaning at the bar
When I put out to sea.
That I always think about when I do see a sunset. And how beautiful it is to watch that occur from the shipís rail when youíre on a cruise, and the light is failing, itís approaching the cocktail hour and you feel...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Cook has challenged.

PC: How can the light be approaching the cocktail hour! I donít know what cruises you go on! On Cuinard you donít get lights coming up and approaching the cocktail hour. You get people approaching it...

NP: Anything at all! Well done Peter, yes, I agree with the challenge, you have a point for that and 36 seconds on sunsets starting now.

PC: Sunsets, how can we conjure up the true beauty of a word that means so much and yet so little to people whoíve never seen one. Because under ground there are little trolls and fairies, pixies who work away in the dark. And we donít know what theyíre up to! And we donít really care! Because nobodyís ever seen them. And they can do what they like provided they donít mess about and come into our houses with their nasty little shovels full of soil and throwing all over our carpet...

BUZZ

PC: We donít want things like that, do we!

NP: They really enjoyed that Peter, our audience did! But Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Repetition of little!

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was too much of these little creatures.

PC: Well there is too much of these little creatures! I worked with one for years!

BT: And Iím beginning to know how he feels!

NP: so Clement I agree with your challenge, you have um, um, eight seconds on sunsets starting now.

CF: The sun sets east, the sun sets west, but I know where...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Took has challenged.

BT: With great respect the sun cannot set in both the east and the west.

NP: No!

BT: So itís deviation!

KW: Deviation! Deviation!

NP: I quite agree...

CF: But I know where the sun sets best! It is a straight quote.

BT: No with great respect itís the sun shines east, the sun shines west.

KW: Thatís right! That is the correct quote!

NP: Youíre quite right actually Barry and you have five seconds on sunsets starting now.

BT: One of the most beautiful sunsets I ever saw in my life was coming from the east in a beautiful...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Barry Took got the point for speaking when the whistle went, so it now remains for me to give you the final score. And it was an incredibly close game this week. Our two guests with Peter Cook, whoís never played the game before, did extraordinarily well. In fourth place but only by one point was Barry Took. And just one ahead in second place equal Peter Cook with Clement Freud, our regular who frequently wins. But just one ahead of them was this weekís winner, the one and only Kenneth Williams. It only remains for me to say hope you have enjoyed the show, from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.