JAM:KWilliams,PJones,AMacdonald,PMoore
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, PETER JONES, AIMI MACDONALD and PATRICK MOORE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 March 1979)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Aimi Macdonald and Patrick Moore in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back two guests whoíve been with us before, Aimi Macdonald and Patrick Moore, to play with two of our regulars Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones. The rules are the same, theyíre going to try and speak for Just A Minute if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we will see how well they do that as we start the programme this week with Peter Jones. Peter the subject is foolishness. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Well thereís a lot of it about! And I suppose there always has been throughout history! In fact what is the story of civilisation but the foolishness and the extraordinary dimwitted...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you.

AIMI MACDONALD: A bit sort of hesitant.

NP: It was more, it was definitely...

PJ: Just a manner of speaking, itís not a hesitation!

NP: It may be a manner of speaking but you canít speak like that in Just A Minute because itís hesitation.

AM: Itís so boring darling! Oh yes...

PJ: Good night all!

NP: Aimi Macdonald.... Aimi Macdonald has challenged and as itís a correct challenge which I agree with she gets a point for that and she takes over the subject of foolishness and there are 47 seconds left starting now.

AM: Well I mean foolishness is so silly! I mean one has to be sensible about life! Itís so ridiculous to go through the whole shebang being absolutely uncontrollably unimpeccably stupid. Itís major to be irrecably ah...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PATRICK MOORE: Hesitation.

AM: I nearly said it, I was trying to say irre... er... what is it?

PM: I appreciate what you were trying to say, but you hesitated in d-d-d-d-d-doing so.

NP: Yes she not only hesitated, I thinks he deviated from er correct English. But anyway Patrick...

PJ: And I didnít think it was all that interesting either!

NP: Patrick you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of foolishness and there are 29 seconds left starting now.

PM: Foolishness is indeed the characteristic of civilisation going back to ancient times. Consider for one moment if you will the ancient Athenians...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Ah, ah, two things.

NP: No, two ancients.

AM: Two ancients.

NP: Yes, not two things.

AM: Yes quite.

NP: Aimi you have the subject back with a point for a correct challenge and 21 seconds left starting now.

AM: I think foolishness can be actually quite fun at times! I mean Kenneth Williams would not understand that because heís always so incredibly...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Iím very glad you mentioned Kenneth Williams because the audience probably at home donít realise heís with us!

NP: Thank you very much for pointing that out...

PJ: Very thoughtful of you! Very thoughtful of you!

NP: Yes well he has...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I donít need you, I can talk for myself! You talk about me as if Iím some mute idiot!

PJ: No, no, we were just trying to coax you out of your shell!

KW: Oh oh I was fascinated by that woman there! Iím fascinated by her! I think they should have more women on this show! Give Ďem enough rope to hang themselves!

NP: Peter what is your challenge actually because that wasnít...

PJ: It wasnít really a challenge, it was just a sort of comment.

NP: So Aimi Macdonald therefore...as you interrupted her...

AM: I get a pou... er pound? What am I talking about?

NP: No you donít get any money...

AM: I get a point!

NP: The BBC canít afford that. You have er...

AM: I get a point!

NP: You get a point because you were interrupted and no correct challenge and there are 14 seconds left foolishness starting now.

AM: You see if one is silly about things then one doesnít really understand the importance of it, so therefore it doesnít really affect one.

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Hesitation. Or rather another standstill.

NP: Yes a complete halt and three ones as well but nobody picked you on that...

AM: I keep forgetting that, Iím awfully bad at that arenít I!

NP: But youíre so good in other ways Aimi, I wouldnít worry! Patrick you have four seconds on foolishness starting now.

PM: Foolishness is prevalent in the modern world. One has only to look at the television or listen to the radio...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that the 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Patrick Moore. Kenneth Williams the subject is teacups. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute Kenneth starting now.

KW: When I hold mine delicately poised in my beautifully manicured hands, I think automatically...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Ah beautifully manicured hands, have you seen his hands?

NP: Ah well um I... I hate to judge on whether his hands are beautifully manicured or not but letís just say that they have been manicured, so therefore we wonít judge on the person who actually did the manicure and say it was an incorrect challenge and Kenneth has 55 seconds to...

KW: Tell her to shut her great mouth! Cheek! Cheek!

NP: Itís part of the game to open oneís great mouth and you do it beautifully Kenneth.

KW: But I do it in a complimentary... I say nice things!

AM: Oh lying hound! You do not!

KW: Always! Iím known as a great charmer!

NP: In the most outrageous way! Right Kenneth there are 55 seconds for teacups starting now.

KW: One thinks automatically of Josiah Spode and the incredible use to which he put felspa and bone to create this translucent porcelain which became so popular with tea drinkers. And the cups that you hold made by that gentleman were edifying, not only in the sense taht you were having the nectar coming to the lips most delicately but also...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick?

PM: Heís talking about drinking nectar, these are teacups.



NP: He was, he was suggesting...

KW: Some people think thatís tea you see.

NP: No he was suggesting the tea became nectar when it came out of the teacups...

KW: Thatís it! You got it! You got it! Thatís it! Heís brilliant! What a chairman! Thereís no rubbish there, heís a marvelous chairman!

NP: Heís in one of his charming moods today!

KW: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Iím throbbing with it! Go on!

NP: So while Kenneth is still throbbing Iíll tell him heís got 24 seconds on teacups starting now.

KW: A lot of people associate scandalous chatter behind the teacups and say "oh theyíre having a little babble together arenít they". And once they get there with the scones we...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said they three times in a very short space of time.

NP: He did actually yes and while we let you get away with it maybe twice, three theys in quick succession is repetition. Fourteen, 15 seconds left on teacups with you Peter starting now.

PJ: What can be more pleasant than the chink of china as the teacup is lowered into the saucer and then the tea spoon tossed into it, and then...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Absolute rubbish! Nobody tosses spoons! I mean if they did itíd go splosh all over your friends! I mean it would be a disgrace! Absolute deviation, I donít think that is any part of English behaviour! We donít toss spoons around, we toss cabers yes! And we toss pancakes...

PJ: Not with a magnitude...

KW: We toss them around in the air and say hereís your pancake...

NP: Kenneth!

PJ: You canít toss capers...

KW: You canít even say it! Toss capers!

NP: Kenneth...

PJ: You canít toss capers!

NP: That last laugh listeners was due to the fact that Kenneth has now decided to strip off. And heís taken his jacket from um the peg and put it on his chair. And Kenneth I agree I mean if he describes the chink of teacups so delicately and then he talks about tossing the spoon in the delicacy has disappeared so your challenge is correct. There are six seconds left on teacups starting now.

KW: We all say, do we know, how nice it would be...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: We all say do we not, I donít!

NP: Thatís a figure of speech Patrick so itís not correct deviation...

PJ: Well so was tossing the teacups!

NP: It was tea spoons anyway! I was listening so itís not correct what youíve just challenged on! Thereís one second left for you Kenneth, teacups, starting now.

KW: Tea is delicious...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth was speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point and as you see he didnít need Peter Jonesí help to get out of his shell at the beginning because once he comes out of his shell thereís no holding him is there.

PJ: And you canít get him back into it again!

NP: Heís got a commanding lead at the end of that round and Patrick Mooreís going to begin the next round. And the subject, very apt for you Patrick is the curvature of space. Will you tell us something about that, your own field of knowledge starting now.

PM: Space can in fact be curved. If you look at space anywhere in this world, or outside it for that matter, you will find it is by no means straight. And by this I mean linear, non-curvature, the Einstein-Ronmannion complex, as described way back in the year 1924, not by either of these gentlemen of whom I didnít in fact meet, but by another whose name was Lobichevsky. He was naturally a Russian, he could hardly be anything else with a name like that. And could he be anything except a member of the...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: I didnít want to stop you darling because you were so beautiful but you said anything twice.

NP: Yes he did, you were listening very well Aimi and there are 33 seconds for the curvature of space (starts to giggle)

KW: She walks right into it donít she?

NP: Now listen Aimi Macdonald fills a very nice space with plenty of curvature and she can talk on that way if she wishes...

KW: We all know about your, we all know about your proclivities!

NP: Please keep your private life to yourself! There are 33 seconds left Aimi starting now.

AM: Iíve just thought of something. Once upon a time I actually took a flying lesson. And there I was, up in the sky, with my instructor by my side looking out of the window, and what did I see? A curvature of space which is commonly known as the horizon.

BUZZ

NP: Patrick you challenged.

PM: Oh hesitation, she...

NP: I think youíre right!

PM: She stopped completely.

NP: Yes...

AM: I know! Why do I do that? Because I knew what I was going to say.

NP: Well I know but we were all looking at you. In fact it was quite a long time before anybody buzzed, they couldnít believe it. But Aimi you did say something very effectively within the 20 seconds you went and the curvature of space is now back with Patrick with 14 seconds to go starting now.

PM: Can space be curved? Look at the horizon as we already heard and you may imagine that this is so...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones?

PJ: Well heís repeating what she said.

NP: Yes but he didnít say it before.

PM: I didnít say it.

PJ: Yes but he said as we have heard. Itís so boring to hear the same thing over again.

NP: Itís very boring, very boring...

PJ: Anyway his whole delivery sounds like the Open University. Itís not like Just A Minute! It sounds like Just A Hour And A Half!

NP: I will do what Iíve done in the past sometimes, we give Peter Jones a bonus point for er the value of his comments. But they were incorrect and Patrick keeps the subject, he gets a point for an incorrect challenge though Patrick and there are seven seconds left, no eight seconds, the curvature of space starting now.

PM: Well I must (goes into high speed gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Oh darling you canít understand what heís saying so how can you possibly...

PM: Well how can I get it right! You accuse me of being slow and boring, now you accuse me of going too fast! Itís not fair! I can only say youíre picking on me! I feel Iím being penalised!

NP: We give Patrick Moore...

PM: How can I get it right? Oh all right Kenneth, thank you very much! Iíve decided to stay, Iím all right!

NP: We give Patrick Moore a bonus point for the best theatrical performance of the year, we canít give him an Oscar because we donít award them! But Aimi Macdonald a point for a correct challenge and she has five seconds on the curvature of space starting now.

AM: There I was in my little cabin kicking...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Repetition, weíve already heard about her cabin, her...

NP: Yes there you were, you did repeat that before, so Kenneth has the subject...

AM: I did not, I didnít say a cabin.

KW: Weíve all heard it! Donít keep on! Weíve heard it all!

AM: Last time I said cow...

NP: No Aimi, Aimi, no you did say there I was!

AM: There I was!

NP: But you said that before! And thatís...

AM: Where else was I?

PM: And sheís just...

NP: You repeated the words!

PM: And sheís just boring us by saying it again if I may say so!

KW: Yes! Yes!

NP: Kenneth you have three seconds on the curvature of space starting now.

KW: Well it naturally does this because the human eye...

WHISTLE

KW: So very, itís almost exactly comparable to the curvature of the spine...

NP: Kenneth we have finished that round...

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: You not only got a round of applause...

KW: The curvature of the spine, you see.

NP: Itís like curvature of somewhere else the way you illustrate it! Youíve got a point for speaking as the whistle went, the audience have applauded your virtuosity and other things as well. Youíve increased your lead, youíre two ahead of Patrick Moore, youíre three ahead of Aimi Macdonald and youíre six ahead of Peter Jones. And Aimi Macdonald itís your turn to begin. What a lovely subject! Spiders in the bath! I donít know if youíve had any in the bath Aimi but would you tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Iíve never actually been in the bath with a spider but I shall tell you what I do in order to avoid this. The important thing to remember girls, is put the plug in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

AM: Oooh, no darling! I was going to say something terribly important!

KW: I think this is deviation of the worse kind, because it was tell you girls and the assumption therefore is that itís specifically for women. And surely thatís racial discrimination of the worst kind! Why should, why should not men have the benefit of this fabulous advice about spiders?

NP: Because it might be revealed that she has something specific to say to women with spiders in the bath. And that could be revealed later as she goes on talking because she wasn't actually deviating from the subject...

PJ: Anyway no ordinary man would be afraid of a spider!

KW: Hear hear hear hear!

NP; So Aimi you have 47 seconds to continue on the subject of spiders in the bath starting now.

AM: When one hears about spiders in the bath, one automatically assumes that they come up through the drainpipe into the little plughole bit.

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Repetition of plug.

AM: Oh!

PM: She said plug before.

NP: Yes she did say plug before...

AM: I did not!

NP: You did actually yes.

PJ: Well this was plughole, a hyphenated word.

AM: Yes! Yes!

NP: Thatís right, plughole, youíre quite right Peter yes yes.

AM: Right!

NP: Aimi you have 37 seconds for spiders in the bath starting now.

AM: The important thing to remember ladies is to get out of the bath before you pull the chain out of the...

BUZZ

NP: Right!

PM: I think that was a hesitation.

AM: She couldnít say what she wanted to say could she, a plug.

PM: It was hesitation because she wouldnít dare say plug a third time.

NP: No, I know!

AM: I was trying to think of another word.

PM: I know you were.

NP: I know. But the trouble is because you paused everybody thought you were pulling another chain while you were sitting in a bath. Patrick you have the subject there are 29 seconds on spiders in the bath starting now.

PM: It is perfectly true that spiders do come up through the plug. And this I am entitled to say as I have not, I have not said it before...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Peter?

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Repetition of what.

PJ: Repetition of as Iím entitled to say.

NP: No, no, he hasnít repeated that before, Aimi said that before.

AM: I buzzed as well...

NP: Spiders canít come through the plug, they come through the plughole, yes.

PJ: Iím objecting to the same thing that Aimiís objecting to.

NP: Whatís that?

PJ: Whatever it is!

NP: But spiders cannot come through the plug.

PJ: Of course they canít! They canít!

NP: Of course they canít! Itís impossible! Have you ever seen a spider go through a plug?

PJ: Itís quite well known! Iím surprised at someone whoís er a so-called expert...

NP: Yes! Not an expert on plugholes, heís an expert on space!

PJ: I know! Thatís painfully obvious!

NP: Peter you have 23 seconds on spiders in the bath starting now.

PJ: Anyway I always tend to identify with the spider. And I visualise myself in a porcelain bowl the size of Wembley Stadium and a huge manhole is taken up and Iím flushed down it. And this must be really a ghastly experience for a spider, even one whoís had lots of adventures with flies and wasps and even bees and larger insects because that dangerous life...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones having got the subject kept going for probably the longest spell in this show, gained that extra point for speaking as the whistle went and heís still in fourth place. But he gives us good value as usual, Kenneth Williams is still in the lead. But Peter it is your turn to begin, the subject is the fun of spending. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Funnily enough I was strolling down Oxford Street only yesterday watching the shoplifters and I reflected that many people find more fun in getting something for nothing than they do actually spending things to get it. And I donít know whether you want...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: And er, is that a...

NP: Yes thatís hesitation definitely Patrick. You have 43 seconds for the subject of the fun of spending starting now.

PM: The fun of spending, this is a term that takes us back to the years, oh going back at least one decade now. Because it was fun to spend in those days when it was possible to retain any money to spend. This alas is not the case today. The great changeover came with the conversion to decimal coinage. This of course was known to be the biggest confidence trick ever played on an unsuspecting public, and everybody got away with it...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: They werenít unsuspecting! They suspected!

NP: Well that is a very clever challenge. Shall I put that to the wiser judgement of our audience? If you consider that er that challenge was good enough to deserve a point and therefore the round you cheer for Peter Jones, and if you decide that it wasnít, you boo and support Patrick, and you all do it together now.

BOOS AND CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The cheers you have it, you agree with Peter, they did suspect and Peter has the subject, there are 22 seconds, the fun of spending starting now.

PJ: And no doubt this fear has been confirmed. Because the pound in their pocket was not still worth the same amount but it was worth a great deal less. And itís very difficult to even remember how much it cost to ride on a bus. It used to be a penny and a hapenny and you used to be worried about...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones is catching up, gaining more points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís only one behind Aimi and heís two behind our joint leaders Patrick Moore and Kenneth Williams. Kenneth weíre back with you to begin and the subject is Francois Marie Allouiet. Iím sure you must know something about her otherwise Ian Messiter wouldnít have thought of the subject for you. But would you tell us something now in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: There is a theory that this is some of word coined by him for a...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Iím afraid it was Kenneth.

KW: Yes well there you are.

NP: It was hesitation...

KW: I knew it was Voltaire and I knew that the name Voltaire was a coinage of Allouiet and Oshu shu...

NP: Well why did you tell them? They may not know that!

KW: Well I got it out anyway!

NP: Right Peter Jones you have the subject, you have 47 seconds, Francois Marie Allouiet, starting now.

PJ: Well he was the Frenchman who inadvertently invented limbo dancing when he tried to get into a pay toilet for nothing.

BUZZ

NP: Well done! Aimi what is your challenge?

AM: I donít believe that darling!

NP: I didnít actually hear it because the audience laughed so loud! What was the last line you said Peter?

AM: Is it true?

PJ: Yeah absolutely yes! I can take you to where, well I canít actually!

KW: Itís quite near the Louvre isnít it?

NP: Aimi what was your challenge?

AM: Well I just thought deviation because Iím sure itís a load of rubbish darling.

PJ: Well isnít it all!

NP: Yes so you can talk a load of rubbish providing you donít deviate from the subject on the card and we cannot prove that he wasnít. So Peter keeps the subject and there are 44 and a half seconds left starting now.

PJ: His son actually was living near the Louvre when he met this other Frenchman. This is a rather involved story so I ought really to give the names. We will call...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he didnít have a son. So itís totally deviation. The whole thing is devious to a degree.

NP: I think he was getting pretty far away from...

KW: Itís just deviation, he didnít have a son, thatís all there is to it, yes!

NP: So maybe the character he was rubbishing on about was...

KW: He donít know what he was talking about!

NP: No, I know he doesnít! But thatís not unusual in Just A Minute! There are 34 seconds for you Kenneth to take over the subject of Francois Marie Allouiet starting now.

KW: I am the only one here competent to discuss this subject...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: This is not true. We can all discuss Allouiet, because Allouiet was not the man who you say he was!

NP: So I think thatís an incorrect challenge but we are all competent to discuss him so therefore that was a correct challenge Patrick so you now have the subject with 30 seconds to go starting now.

PM: Allouiet was in fact a horse who was entered for the Grand National way back in the year 1924. This was something of a mistake as he...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two somethings.

NP: Yes thatís right Kenneth, well listened. There are 22 seconds now on Francois Marie Allouiet starting now.

KW: When Voltaire went in his youth in the company of Chateauneufe to Holland with his master who was the ambassador, he had an affair with a girl there which caused an appalling scandal and they made him return to Paris.And very shortly after that he incurred the wrath of Olian who was regent of France and he was banished to...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: How does he know he didnít have a son?

NP: One of those challenges on which we cannot make an accurate decision so we give Peter Jones a bonus point for his...

KW: Youíre always giving him bonus points!

NP: He deserves bonus points! He gets one for that and you keep the subject Kenneth and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

KW: He came over here as a result of another banishment and met Chesterfield after whom that kind of sofa is named. And then he returned to Switzerland where he lived because he was in great fear...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went and of course other points in that round. Patrick Moore will you begin the next round. The subject is bridge, will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Bridge can have two meanings. There is this thing which streches across a river and these can be extremely dangerous. There is one famous case where one of these over a river in the er somewhere in Scotland...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of river.

NP: Er yes thatís right...

PM: Yes.

NP: There are 49 seconds left for bridge with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: Well of course there are many more than two kinds of bridges. Some people wear them in their mouths. And other people use them to get from one point to another...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Did you do two people?

NP: He did do two people.

AM: He did do two people!

PJ: Yes well, yes.

NP: You used the word Peter you didnít do two people but you spoke...

PJ: Yes, yes I did, yes. So I did!

NP: There are 40 seconds for you Aimi on the subject of bridge starting now.

AM: Ah bridge over the River Kwai. Itís a thing that stretches from one bank to another and is spelt b-r-I-d-g-e.

BUZZ

NP: Sheís done it again hasnít she!

AM: Heís making me laugh.

NP: Patrick challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, fullstop!

AM: It was Kenneth who was making me laugh!

NP: Heís not the only person! Patrick you have a correct challenge, there are 25 and a half seconds on bridge starting now.

PM: Bridge is also a very famous and skillful card game. There are four suits, diamonds, spades, hearts and clubs. Each of these has a two, a three, a four, a five, a six a seven, an eight, a nine, a 10, a Jack, a Queen, a King, an Ace or if you prefer a Knave. Some of these packs also contain the Joker. The art of bridge is to maintain oneís bidding. Now this can be extremely...

WHISTLE

NP: Um itís very interesting that only one point separates our four contestants. Aimi Macdonald had nine points. She was only one behind Peter Jones with 10 points and he was only one behind Patrick Moore who had obviously 11 points and he was obviously only one behind Kenneth Williams who had 12 points and is this weekís winner, Kenneth Williams!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.