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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, with guests PAUL MERTON, WENDY RICHARD, TONY HAWKS, SHEILA HANCOCK, TIM RICE, BARRY CRYER, STEPHEN FRY, RICHARD MURDOCH, PETER COOK, VICTORIA WOOD, JIMMY MULVILLE, ELAINE STRITCH and SANDI TOKSVIG, with a special appearance by IAN MESSITER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, first part broadcast 20 July 1992, second part broadcast on 27 July 1992, third and fourth parts on cassette only)
FIRST PART THEME MUSIC NICHOLAS PARSONS: Hello I’m Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away again, it’s my pleasure to welcome you to Silver Minutes, in which I invite you to enjoy with me some of the tremendous fun we’ve had over a remarkable 25 years of playing Just A Minute. Perhaps the most deceptively simple, enduring, popular and much copied comedy game on radio or television anywhere. I have hosted this game over 25 years, to a tremendous array of talent, from such as Victoria Wood, Peter Cook, Maureen Lipman, Michael Palin, Elaine Stritch, Richard Murdoch and even on one occasion Barbara Castle. But in all that time the show has been kept safe in the hands of its four longest serving players, Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo, and of course the much loved, much missed, irrepressible, and not to mention on occasions uncontrollable, Kenneth Williams. START OF CLIP DEREK NIMMO: Well I think that juries ought to decimalise. You ought to have 10... BUZZ NP: Um Peter Jones? PETER JONES: Repetition of ought. NP: Ought... KENNETH WILLIAMS: Also it was quite ungrammatical because if they were decimalised, they would be, they would be subtracted by one tenth, you see. Actually it’s not what you’re saying, is it? You meant there should be 10 men. Hahhahahahaha! NP: Kenneth... KW: Oh, no, no, I’m wrong! It’s decimated.... NP: You’re quite right! DN: (shouts) NP: Kenneth... KW: I think it’s good to be a man who can acknowledge his own mistakes, isn’t it! Isn’t that a noble thing to acknowledge... PJ: You’ve got half an hour to go, don’t shoot everything at the beginning! KW: Oh right! Yes! PJ: Hold something back! KW: You’re quite right! I should! Yes you’re right! I need sedation! PJ: You do really, yes! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP KW: ... conservatory, whether it was a star in Milan... BUZZ NP: Tim Rice has challenged. TIM RICE: Two whethers. NP: Two whethers? TR: Whether it was so and so, whether it was... KW: What does it matter, you great fool! I’ve come all the way from Great Portland Street! I’m not going to be made a fool of by that great jerk! He was also very rude to me before this show began! Very rude to me before this show began! NP: Was he? What did he say? KW: Yes! I said "it’s an all male panel on tonight" and he looked at me and said "well, almost!" END OF CLIP START OF CLIP DN: Kenneth the cult! KW: Exactly! Thank you Derek! I’m glad that that’s been made apparent, yes! I mean there’s too little of it! I mean people don’t realise I am a cult figure! I am an enormous cult! NP: Yes, a cult in your own time! KW: People have said you’re one of the biggest cults round here! Thank you! Thank you Derek! NP: And only you would dare say that! KW: Thank you.... END OF CLIP NP: What a daunting prospect for anyone to appear for the first time on the programme, with the talents of its regulars lined up against you. And many who aren’t daunted when they start suddenly realise it’s not as easy as it sounds when quietly listening at home in the bath! Here are some of those first outings. START OF CLIP NP: Sandi Toksvig you challenged. SANDI TOKSVIG: I don’t know, I’m just guessing. But I think repetition on investigate. NP: Absolutely right! The council were asked to investigate and then he went down to investigate. ST: What a lot of investigating! I didn’t believe him though! I don’t think the council went down to investigate anything! I think that’s a lot of nonsense! NP: Well you could have had him for deviation, you see! ST: I could have had him for a lot of things but I haven’t got time! NP: Sandi, you have the subject, the first time to speak on Just A Minute, the best of luck to you. There are 16 seconds left, the subject is the thing in the cellar starting now. ST: We’ve got a... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Rather mean hesitation, I’m afraid! NP: Yes... DN: I’m just sort of trigger happy, I’m terribly sorry... NP: I disagree... DN: Long years of... NP: ... entirely Derek. Sandi you have a point for an incorrect challenge, and you... but do start a bit quicker next time... ST: I’m so sorry! NP: There are 14 seconds on the thing in the cellar starting now. ST: We’ve got a thing in our cellar.... BUZZ NP: Um, Clement Freud challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: She started very quickly! ST: There’s no pleasing some men! You start slowly, you start quickly! NP: All right... DN: What I want to know... ST: It’s always the woman’s fault! Have you noticed! NP: Give them both a point and Sandi there are 13 seconds left for the thing in the cellar starting now. ST: We’ve got a thing in our cellar and it’s my grandfather. He’s been going off for some time now. I think it’s his feet, they’re gangrenous! He got that by standing in trenches in France. There was no war going on, he just liked to go and dig trenches in France... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Trenches. NP: There were too many trenches he stood in, I’m afraid. ST: I think that’s what it was, yes. NP: I know! And Clement’s got in with one second... END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Kenneth can you tell us something about my other self in 60 seconds starting now. KW: My other self, who ought... BUZZ NP: And Peter Cook has challenged right away. Peter? PETER COOK: I thought I’d better get in early! Because er otherwise I might not be noticed. I have to bring up the possibility of deviation here. Ah, the other self which has been talked about, which self is he talking about, has he deviated from himself while he was talking about himself? NP: The only deviation that’s occurred is that the feller never even started. So it’s a wrong challenge Peter, but nice to hear from you. And the listeners now know you’re here as well and didn’t miss your bus! And Kenneth Williams still has the subject with a point for a wrong challenge and there are 58 seconds on my other self starting now. KW: Many times people say oh how wonderful it was to have the veil as it were, lifted on your proclivities. We do like to see this kind of thing. And of course it is true that when we do see something that we didn’t think... BUZZ NP: Peter Cook has challenged. PC: There’s a constant stream of we-wees! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Victoria your turn to begin. The subject is my plums starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: She didn’t start! VICTORIA WOOD: I thought there... NP: I know... VW: I thought there was a noise to tell me when to start! NP: Yes, yes, I am the noise... VW: I’ve only just got here! I mean I can’t be expected to know whether you’re supposed to start or not. I thought there’d be a noise. DN: If you’d been on time, we wouldn’t have had this problem! NP: The subject is my plums, Victoria Wood is going to talk if she can! VW: I can! NP: When I say now, now! VW: Ah my plums are under the sink in my kitchen which has got red and white wallpaper. They’re jammed behind the wastepipe and they’ve got yellow and green tins. And ever so often I’ll take out a tin and I’ll open it and put it in my favourite bowl which has got red and blue stripes round, and it’s white china... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of red. VW: What? NP: You had red and blue wallpaper and now... VW: It’s different shades of red actually! NP: That’s a very good reply Victoria but I’m afraid if you do repeat the words.... He’s mean actually! VW: He is, isn’t he! I can see that from here yes! NP: Derek Nimmo you have the subject of my plums, there are 47 seconds starting now. DN: The most incredible thing I know is that when you get an attack of the hiccups from eating plums. Because sometimes it does lead to constipation and therefore... BUZZ NP: Victoria has challenged. VW: I’m challenging on medical grounds! NP: Yes I don’t think... VW: Plums can never lead to constipation! NP: No.. VW: As I know! NP: Quite the reverse I would have thought! So Victoria very good challenge and you have 22 seconds for the subject and you start now. VW: The thing to do is when you get hiccups is, and I’m just pausing a minute to give you boys a chance to butt in and give me a really bad time! Now I remember what I was going to say now! The thing to do if you get hiccups is to get... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of the thing to do. NP: Yes but she was giving you the chance to butt in which you didn’t do before and as you didn’t do it then... DN: Until she said the thing to do I didn’t want to butt in! NP: That’s absolutely rotten to our guest! DN: I didn’t want to butt in on a mean challenge... NP: She’s come all the way from Morecambe! The train was late! Carry on Victoria, you have another point for that and 12 seconds starting now. VW: The best method to cure a person who’s got hiccups is to stand them in the middle of the room and all stare at them, and they get so embarrassed they forget they’ve got hiccups and they stop hiccuping! Either than that they get really obsessed with the attention and they turn into a career in show business, but I don’t know which you think is better.... WHISTLE END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Stephen Fry, will you take the next round. And the subject we’ve chosen for you is Wilhelm Furtwängler. Can you tell us some... I’m sure it’s been specially chosen for you! There are 60 seconds to keep going if you can starting now. STEPHEN FRY: Well Wilhelm Furtwängler as it should properly be pronounced, because there’s a umlaut on the a in his name, was a great Germanic com... conductor er of... BUZZ SF: Oh dear! NP: And Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: It’s unfair but there were rather a lot of ers. SF: Yes there were! DN: Somebody so bright as he should be... NP: All right! DN: ... able to speak properly. NP: There were a lot of ers. But he’s never played the game before and I think really, it was a bit... The audience are entirely... DN: They’ve reduced the price of his book at Dylan’s! NP: You have 49 seconds to continue on the subject Wilhelm Furtwängler. SF: Well Wilhelm Furtwängler was known chiefly for his interpretations of Wagner, another great German composer of opera and so forth. Ah he performed many times at the Salzburg Festival where he get quite a reputation, got quite, er, oh my God! Really! BUZZ SF: Do you know it’s a lot more difficult than it seems when you’re listening on the radio! My respect for Paul and Wendy and Derek which was previously rock bottom, er, it’s extraordinary! These people are brilliant, I don’t know how they do it! Never mind, carry on! NP: Paul you challenged first. You have the subject and there are 36 seconds left, Wilhelm Furtwängler starting now. PAUL MERTON: Wilhelm Furtwängler was the winner of the silliest name competition in 1946! He won several years in a row, after that, right in... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: He won twice. NP: He won twice? BUZZ NP: Stephen Fry challenged. SF: This is impossible because he died in 1954! PM: Yes but, yes but his name lives on! NP: I think the one that you were talking about, the real one, was different to the one Paul was. So Derek you had a correct challenge, 26 seconds on Wilhelm Furtwängler starting now. DN: I was wandering in this rather seedy part of Hamburg and this man came up to me and said "my name is Wilhelm Furtwängler". I said "what an extraordinary... thing... BUZZ NP: Stephen challenged. SF: That was an extraordinary... hesitation I think! NP: Yes, extraordinary hesitation, I agree! I quite agree and you have 13 seconds on the subject starting now. SF: His interpretation of Tristan and Isolde with Alfred Suthaus is the epinem and ah... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo? SF: Oh why did I bother! END OF CLIP NP: What a hard time the women are given, trying to get a foot in the door of this jovial male bastion. But many have succeeded with great entertainment value, and made the show their own, particularly Sheila Hancock and Wendy Richard. Here are some contributions from them and other favourite guests. START OF CLIP WENDY RICHARD: I don’t have any garden gnomes. In actual fact I don’t have a garden, I have a patio on... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Well deviation because you had a garden in the last round and now you don’t! WR: Ah! If I had come to the end of my minute I would have said that! I’m continuing on with my gnomes from my worms. PM: But you started off with a lie because you said you had a garden. WR: It wasn’t a lie! If you’d... If I had had more seconds, I would have told them I hadn’t got a garden! PM: But you said you had a garden! WR: Yes! But she blew the whistle, didn’t she! I didn’t say that! PM: Have the property developers moved in in the last minute? WR: I think I’ll go home now! PJ: You were, Wendy, you were whinging on, about not having worms... WR: All right! PJ: ... and then you continued whinging by saying you didn’t have any gnomes, and people were beginning to look quite upset about it! WR: Oh all right then! NP: The thing is Paul... BUZZ NP: Shut up Richard, what do you keep buzzing about? RICHARD MURDOCH: I spotted something! NP: Oh yes? RM: She repeated several words, have. NP: You’re a bit late Richard, we’ve got... RM: Well you didn’t give me a chance to get in! You’ve been talking a lot of rubbish! NP: I haven’t opened my mouth! Everybody else was arguing! RM: Oh all right, I... NP: Give Richard Murdoch a bonus point for the haves, we haven’t heard from him yet. So Wendy you keep the subject, you have another point, it’s garden gnomes and there are 54 seconds left starting now. WR: I don’t have a garden gnome but I have a duck... BUZZ NP: Richard’s challenged. RM: She said have twice. NP: Yes I know she did! And you’ve got 50 seconds Richard to tell us something about garden gnomes starting now. RM: Well I don’t have any gnomes in my garden. If I did have, I know what I... BUZZ NP: Wendy... RM: Oh I’m a newcomer aren’t I! NP: Yes! So Wendy you got in there. I know what the challenge is, but I think the audience should know so we know we’ve got it correct. WR: He said have twice. NP: He said have twice. Quite! Another point to Wendy, 45 seconds are left starting now. WR: I don’t have any garden gnomes, but if I had... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton.... PJ: Do you realise we’ve been talking about garden gnomes for five minutes and we don’t know whether she’s got any or not! NP: Wendy another point and the subject back of garden gnomes, we’re fascinated to know what you’re going to say now, 35 seconds left to hear from you... BUZZ NP: And Paul Merton’s challenged. PM: I just wanted to come in before she said "I have no garden gnomes". END OF CLIP START OF CLIP PJ: ... and all these messages that people send... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock? SHEILA HANCOCK: We’ve had messages. NP: No, we haven’t. SH: The lady in the audience just said so! NP: She’s not playing Just A Minute! SH: She did! NP: It’d be a fine thing if all the audience started challenging as well! SH: Truly Nick, he said... PJ: Yes I did say it, I must admit, I admit I did say messages earlier. NP: Well all right. There are 45 seconds for you Sheila on round robins starting now. SH: I have two round robins that visit me on my clothesline. And very attractive they are which is another reason why I like hanging out the washing. Because I say "hello round robins and how are you today? Is your breast faded?... BUZZ NP: Oh Sheila deserves a bonus for that wonderful line! We’ve got to give her one for that but Kenneth challenged before that. KW: Deviation of course, the subject is round robins, not hanging out the washing, we’ve already had that. NP: Kenneth she did repeat the word washing so you have a point and 33 seconds... SH: He didn’t challenge me on that! KW: Yes I did! Repetition, I said repetition, that was my challenge. SH: You didn’t! KW: Now look here Sheila. We cannot have people arguing with the chairman! PJ: Hark at him! NP: Kenneth, you have round robins starting now. KW: Round robins are so called because no human being has yet lived to see a square one! BUZZ KW: Oh I had to pause there! I didn’t want to stop talking but I had to pause because the audience laughter there interrupted my natural flow, my natural flow was there. BUZZ NP: Yeah all right, Derek’s challenged now. DN: Repetition of natural flow. NP: Kenneth you have 19 seconds to continue on round robins starting now. KW: Well I don’t really want to continue on this territory but on the other hand I.... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SH: All right if he doesn’t want it, let me have it! NP: All right Sheila, seven seconds on round robins starting now. SH: Robin Ray however is decidedly not round... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Robin Ray is not round, she says herself so it’s not talking about round robins. NP: It’s devious. Perfectly well... KW: Oh that’s a good one! Yes a very good one! Yes good one! You’re very, you’re on the ball! NP: And you have one and a half seconds on round robins starting now. PJ: Very nasty little birds they are! WHISTLE END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: There are eight seconds for you to take over the subject of kangaroo pie Kenneth starting now. KW: This would be made most deliciously of course by none other than Elaine Stritch, because... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: I don’t accept that! ELAINE STRITCH: You don’t accept it?! CF: Elaine Stritch is a conservationist of a high order and wouldn’t kill kangaroos to make pie. NP: She might make a pie if someone else killed the kangaroo. I don’t know. Would you? ES: Well I don’t know what to do in this game! I’ve never been so terrified in my whole life! They taught me how to play the game or thought they did, and now I have to say whether I would be in a kangaroo pie? Or have anything to do with making it? I would not! If that’s going to clear this game up! NP: I don’t think anything would ever clear this game up! ES: Well it has nothing to do with loving animals but I don’t want to eat a kangaroo pie! NP: Elaine... ES: I’d much rather see Barnum! I mean this is ridiculous! When is it my turn? NP: We give Elaine a bonus point for her contribution to the show and another point for having let me off the hook on my next decision which is that Clement Freud was correct. So you go on for another second Clement on kangaroo pie starting now. CF: You can get it in tins in Melbourne! WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went. END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: And the subject is what makes me fall about laughing and there are 60 seconds starting now. KW: It is unquestionably Frankie Howerd. I remember him talking about going down to Chequers. And he said (in Frankie Howerd accent) "I was trying to get near to see MacMillan you know, lovely spread he’s got there! BUZZ NP: Elaine Stritch, you challenged. ES: I can’t hear you! Or understand you, Kenneth! I really can’t! And I think it is a cheek! I meant to say something about Kenneth. He has a wonderful gimmick on this show. NP: Oh yes! ES: You see he makes one word into a three act play! And I think it’s the greatest thing ever! And you can’t challenge him on it. But that I just take, I really, I don’t mean to be unkind or anything but I just... NP: Oh don’t worry, don’t be inhibited! Everybody is on this show! ES: I’ll get used to it if I’m asked back! NP: He did repeat the word there... ES: Oh that has nothing to do with it! KW: Hahahahahahahaha! You can’t help her! NP: No, you can’t help her! She’s so noble isn’t she! KW: I know, so truthful... ES: (Imitating Kenneth’s nasal voice) Now you’re nyeh nyeh nyeh! (Normal voice) I couldn’t understand that and I don’t think that’s fair! NP: Elaine he did repeat the word there three times. ES: Well of course! That we all know! NP: You have 26 seconds to try and talk on the subject of what makes me fall about laughing starting now. ES: Well I don’t think I can ever remember in all the times that I’ve lived in America or in this country, ever laughing at a comedian like Tommy Cooper. One night I was sitting alone in my um, room at the hotel and I was watching a television show. I think one of the strangest things in the world is to laugh when you’re all alone and out loud. I think it really is a er example of really thinking something is funny. So I’m watching Tommy Cooper and he said "I was sitting in a dentist’s office the other day" and he said "I was reading a magazine and the dentist told, the dentist told me that, ah, the secretary of the dentist... Nobody’s challenging me! WHISTLE ES: I almost challenged myself! NP: I know! Elaine you kept going magnificently for about an hour and a half and, and you fully deserved the point for... ES: Well anyway I gotta tell you what Tommy Cooper said! NP: Yes! ES: He said "hah!" and all that business! And he said "I was sitting in a dentist’s office the other day, hah!" And then he said "I had to wait two hours, haha!" And then there was an encore and then he said "Isn’t it terrible about the Titanic?" I don’t know, that takes a lot of explanation. But have you ever read the magazines in a dentist’s office? They’re old! But anyway... NP: Elaine you get a point for speaking when the whistle should have been blown by Ian Messiter... ES: Please be honest with me! I repeated myself, didn’t I? NP: You did, yes. KW: I would complain that you’re not decipherable, you can’t be heard properly! ES: But listen! Kenneth! BARRY CRYER: Tell him! ES: I don’t want to go home and have this show broadcast and say "how was I?" and somebody else say "well they were very nice to you". I mean that really isn’t going to cut well with me, so I want to be treated like the rest... NP: I think... ES: ... of the gang! NP: ...they’ve actually treated you rather toughly because that’s a mean way to treat you what they’ve done... ES: Right! NP: They only do that to people they not only love, but people they know are good at the game.... ES: Oh I thought it was because I’m attractive Nicholas! And I’m going to keep that thought and go home with it! So the hell with all of you! END OF CLIP NP: In the sadness of losing Kenneth Williams many wondered whether Just A Minute might die with him but the joy of the game is its ability to encompass an enormous range of different new talents, many with a great affection for the show. One aspiring young comedian after writing to then producer asking to be on the show, the only time he’s ever done such a thing in his whole career was eventually invited to take on the difficult task of appearing in the first series without Kenneth Williams. Paul Merton rose splendidly to the challenge to become a new regular and confirm the programme was alive and well. As you can hear in this golden minute from one of his first shows. START OF CLIP NP: Paul will you take the next round. The subject is my pet starting now. PM: My pet is a cat called Zooby. This cat as it is peculiarly... BUZZ PM: Stupid cat! NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two cats. NP: There were two cats, yes, and you’ve only got one I’m sure. So that’s repetition... PM: If the cat was a schizophrenic would that help me in any way? RM: It could be a Siamese cat like in twins! NP: Yes, but in Just A Minute, if you repeat the word that is repetition and so 56 seconds Derek on my pet starting now. DN: My pet is a beautiful red retriever dog that I’ve had since it was six months old. Had it trained by somebody in a part of Northamptonshire known as Owney. It is a great chum to me, it is a personal friend with an ability... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: I think you should extend your social life if this, if this red retriever is a personal friend! I once, I used to correspond with a tortoise but I don’t... NP: A bonus point because we did enjoy the challenge Paul. But Derek wasn’t actually being too devious so he keeps going with 33 seconds on my pet starting now. DN: His name is Rufus, named after the King of that particular appendage, and the... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: The dog was named after a King’s appendage? NP: Yes! PJ: Was it? I didn’t... NP: Oh! PM: Is that the reason you became friends? NP: Oh dear! Now I have to judge on that and decide whether... PJ: Well... NP: ... it’s deviation or not! PJ: Definitely deviation on somebody’s part! RM: He was trying it on the dog! NP: Whatever happens Peter you’re going to get a bonus point for your challenge, I can tell you that right away! I think what I’m going to do in this situation is put this to the superior wisdom and judgement... PJ: Oh I don’t want it! NP:... of our charming... DN: I’m fed up with this bloody dog! It doesn’t exist anyway! I hate dogs! PM: So much for friendship! You’re here on Radio Four, this poor dog’s at home waiting for you, this personal friend, probably whipped up a custard or something! NP: Yes and now you’ve thrown the whole thing out the window and given it over to Peter Jones, 23 seconds on my pet starting now. PJ: My pet was a blue rabbit called Jimmy... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: I would suggest that you weren’t heating it properly! Probably keep it indoors... PJ: Blue chinchilla rabbit, that’s what it was. NP: Right, but keep it, save it Peter, because Paul gets another point because we liked the challenge, Peter keeps the subject and a point for an incorrect challenge, 20 seconds left starting now. PJ: But after a couple of years, I must say I had to admit it was rather boring. It didn’t sort of give anything much. A rabbit is pretty, you know... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well hesitation and repetition of rabbit. NP: Yes I agree with you Derek. But only one point I’m afraid, but 11 seconds on my pet starting now. DN: My wife calls me my pet. I... BUZZ NP: Paul, I know your challenge, but come on Paul, yes? PM: No I was going to say repetition of my but of course that’s included in the subject. NP: I thought you were going to say if his, if his golden retriever was his pet, how could he be the pet to his wife as well. PM: No I wasn’t going to say that! Mainly because I don’t understand what you’ve just said! NP: I’ll be honest... DN: There was no logic in it! PM: But then you’re probably still upset about Sale of the Century being cancelled! PJ: Did your wife have you trained by this man in Northampton? PM: And did you ever turn blue? NP: And so Paul got in with three seconds to go and the subject still my pet starting now. PM: She used to be a kitten. That was of course many months ago... WHISTLE END OF CLIP NP: One other performer who’s been with the programme for all 25 highly enjoyable years is of course myself. More often than not hemmed in, browbeaten, in the thick of it, on the receiving end of all their brickbats. Well I leave you with some of the skirmishes between myself and the unruly mob who’ve sparred around me over the years. I do hope you’ve been entertained by this edition of Silver Minutes and will join me for the second part in which I will be enjoying again some of the witty and underhand ruses resorted to by our many panelists in their 25 year struggle to keep talking for Just A Minute. Until then, from all the panelists featured, from researcher Mark Louisson, the creator of the game Ian Messiter, the producer Sarah Smith and myself Nicholas parsons, goodbye. START OF CLIP CF: Cheek is when someone of diminished responsibility goes to the British Broadcasting Corporation and elects to be chairman of a panel game on the basis that he might have some idea of how to control people whose multi-syllabic words he doesn’t understand, whose meaning he is unable to comprehend and whose hours and time he is unable to keep. I’ve now said unable three times and because nobody’s interrupted me, only... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well I’m not interrupting because I’m enjoying it! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP PJ: I should have challenged because I did hear it but I wasn’t giving it my attention. I still can’t get over this business of you getting more money than we’re getting! Baffling! Baffling! NP: Peter I will stand you a drink afterwards and that’s just about the amount of money... PJ: No need to flaunt it! DN: It’s the first time in 15 years, I can tell you! THEME MUSIC SECOND PART THEME MUSIC NP: Hello I’m Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away I welcome to you to the second part of Silver Minutes, in which I’ll be enjoying some of the wit, inventivemess and intellect as well as tricks, lies and downright barefaced cheek tried on by the many players of Just A Minute over its 25 years. Let’s start with the rules, the points of order and appeals to myself as chairman. Expected as I am to combine acute hearing, perfect memory and judgemnetal wisdom of Solomon. There’s no mercy for slipups including my own! START OF CLIP NP: So Stephen you have 29 seconds to tell us something about style starting now. SF: Le style s’alons, somebody said, French I expect. There was d’style of course which is an artistic movement of the early 20th century also known as neo-plasticism of which Mondrian was a leading proponent. Style however is also regarded... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Out of Nicholas Parsons’ depth! NP: You speak for yourself! PM: Can you repeat any of that? NP: Yes, all those neo-plasticism of the 18th century and the toubriquet of le style, and... I was listening actually for hesitation, repetition and deviation! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP DN: I had a letter from an old air force officer, a gallant gentleman, who had visited her when she was playing A Little Bit Of Fluff at the Criterion Theatre. He was going to France... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: A Little Bit Of Fluff was at the Ambassador’s Theatre! NP: How do you know? You see how you can hoodwink, you say something.... PJ: I have a photographic memory, there’s no question about it! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP KW: Many people, of course, separate it including Cardinal Wolsey who built that fabulous place on the River Thames, and was always having the chocolate bon-bons... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why? DN: Repetition of bon-bon. KW: He’s walked right into it! NP: According to the Oxford English Dictionary bon-bon is a hyphenated word. KW: Hahah! Hahah! Oh joy! NP: If you hyphenate two words you surely must be doing it to make them into one word. CF: And he used it in the plural. The second syllable has an S. END OF CLIP START OF CLIP JIMMY MULVILLE: We were forced to use words like rick... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of forced. They were forced then and then they were forced to use... JM: Forced? DN: ... to use them on the Romans earlier on. NP: I know! I know he said it but... DN: One and one makes two, Nick! NP: I know! But also occasionally I am generous because when somebody only played in the last series once... DN: I see! NP: ...I actually pretend I didn’t hear. and... DN: Oh right! Oh good! JM: Oh right yes! DN: I thought it was the battery running down! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Thirty-three seconds, short notice, starting now. PM: Two pints please milkman is the shortest notice I’ve ever seen which is something... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: One pint would be shorter! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Clement you have three seconds on the first of a new series starting now. CF: I... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. Didn’t start quickly enough at all! Terribly slow! NP: Not, not for you Peter, but I’m afraid quite enough for the game. Two seconds Clement on the first of a new series starting now. CF: And therefore I’d like to greet everybody... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo? DN: I haven’t challenged. PJ: It must have been a correct challenge because you said two seconds and he said nothing! First of all, it was three seconds... DN: Well guess what, I did it! I pressed my buzzer a moment ago on the say, it didn’t go on. This time I just had a little tentative one. PJ: Are you blaming your equipment because you’re falling down? DN: My buzzer’s no good! I’ve got a faulty buzzer! That’s what I want to know... KW: A bad workman always blames his tools! Yes! PJ: Quite! NP: Your buzzer’s perfectly all right! PJ: My point is... NP: Yes, what’s your point? PJ: Clement had three seconds... NP: Yes. PJ: ...in which to make a speech... NP: Yes. PJ: ... and I buzzed... NP: Yes. PJ: ... for hesitation... NP: Yes. PJ: You then said now you’ve got two seconds.... NP: But during that second, he said something! PJ: What did he say? Nothing! I mean... NP: He did speak, he had a definite phrase, the full contents of which I can’t remember, but he did speak... PJ: You’re the chairman and you can’t remember what the last speaker said! DN: It’s going to be a rotten series, I can tell you! PJ: I... you know, his buzzer isn’t working, you can’t remember, what chance have we got! NP: We won’t have a chance in hell if you keep up this much longer! Right, Peter, shut up, Kenneth.... KW: I haven’t said anything! END OF CLIP NP: Sometimes I don’t get involved at all as the players of the game launch into pitched battles with each other or simply make it easy for everyone and shoot themselves in both feet. START OF CLIP NP: And the subject is Ciberus. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now. KW: People say if someone’s enjoying all this richness, they say Cyru, Ciri... BUZZ NP: Oh dear! KW: Oh lackaday! Oh rue and woe is me! I was tripped up by me diction! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP DN: What I was really sad about is when the 10 shilling note went out of operation because there was something awfully nice about handing a doorman a 10... oh! Yes! Never mind! I’ll go on, it doesn’t matter.... END OF CLIP START OF CLIP SH: I am not going to sulk and hide my head and experience umbrage because I feel it is a despicable way to carry on and makes not for progress. However a lot of children are inclined to do this when they feel sulky and I say to them, life is too short to feel like that, my darling! Do not feel and... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. SH: Awww! Ooh what a relief! KW: Well I was bored! SH: So was I! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Forty-seven seconds left with you Kenneth, on rules, starting now. KW: I went to a restaurant called Rules in Maiden Lane, and saw in a tiny alcove, almost hidden from public view, two people having what was obviously a tete a tete. Oh! BUZZ END OF CLIP NP: It’s all in the best of good humour of course! In 25 years of playing the game, our panelists have been known, once or twice, to agree with each other! And occasionally someone makes it to the 60 seconds finishing line without a murmur from his colleagues. And of course flattering the chairman does help tremendously! START OF CLIP SH: I get up every morning and I try to say to myself today is going to be the best day of my... BUZZ NP: Oh bad luck! Kenneth? KW: Well there was two days! NP: I know! Yes! SH: Today, I said. KW: Today is going to be the best day. Oh I see what you mean, today is different to day. Oh I’m so terribly sorry! Oh you’re absolutely right! Oh I withdraw the challenge, I withdraw it! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: So I must give it to him and tell him he has 10 seconds for Aujaine... KW: Ten seconds! Have you noticed that! He’s going to get in for 10 seconds! Anyone can fill in with 10 rotten seconds, can’t they! Do you think that’s fair on me, an old trooper! Do you think that’s fair Peter? PJ: No, no, I mean... (KW kisses PJ) NP: Listen, Kenneth... END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: There are 26 seconds left for you Peter Jones to tell us something about censorship as you see it, starting now. PJ: Well of course I don’t believe there should be any censorship at all, unless you could find exactly the right person to be the censor. Now modesty forbids me... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I agree with Peter Jones. NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute? CF: Nothing! I think he deserves a point! NP: See how generous they can be on occasions! And 18 seconds left starting now. PJ: Because I think I could be a wonderful censor... ah ship! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. PJ: I said censor before! CF: I think he’d be a very good censor! PJ: Yes! CF: I agree again! NP: Why have you challenged? You agree again! CF: Yup! NP: You’re not going to have him for hesitation or... CF: Oh no no! NP: He’s given you another point... PJ: That’s very good! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Kenneth we’re back with you. Will you take the subject of emperors and tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Many names spring to mind. I would mention Hadrian and Marcus of Raeli. Perhaps Erogabilus is an interesting example. He arrived in Rome you know on a dray and had a lot of makeup on. The Seantors are reputed to have made representations and indignant noises about this. But he held full sway and filled every host far and wide, Galle, Britain, Manorca, Majorca, all with posts with his favourite in charge. And I don’t blame him because after all if you’ve got a bit of authority you may as well splash it about and say "well I’m only here for a short while, might as well enjoy it while we can! And I think, when I look back on my own life, ah yes, Acton’s dictum, all power corrupts, that is true... WHISTLE END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Stephen I’m not going to allow that... SF: Because you’re an old sweetie! NP: So because you were interrupted... SF: Thank you! DN: Nobody’s ever called him that before! NP: No! You have 49 seconds to tell us something about BBC radio Wendy starting now. WR: I have had the good fortune to work for BBC Radio on several occasions. I always enjoy this as I see my dear friend Nicholas Parsons, a pleasure to see any of them... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: I’m afraid, repetition of see. WR: It was. NP: It was, yes. SF: As well as hideous sycophancy! PM: This is coming from someone who called Nicholas sweetie earlier! WR: I might have been going to say something nice about you! NP: Paul you had a correct challenge, another point, 34 seconds, BBC radio, starting now. PM: The BBC Radio Light Entertainment Department has a long and glorious history. If we go back to the 1940s we can recall such shows as Bandwagon, ummm... BUZZ NP: Wendy challenged. PM: That’s the only one I could recall! WR: Hesitation. NP: Twenty... PM: Emar was the one I was trying to think of. NP: Oh yes, And Much Binding In The Marsh. PM: It’s no good to me now is it sweetie? NP: Twenty-three seconds for you Wendy on BBC radio starting now. WR: I’ve done several plays on BBC... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. WR: Oh what? DN: Repetition of done. WR: I only just started! NP: Wendy if you... WR: It’s all right sweetie, don’t worry! NP: Twenty-one seconds Derek on BBC radio starting now. DN: The gauleiter in charge of BBC Radio is one David Hatch, the first person to direct this particular programme many years ago when he also performed in a very well known wireless programme... BUZZ DN: I’m sorry, I’ll read that again! NP: Stephen Fry. SF: He said direct this programme, and then a very well known wireless programme. DN: What’s wrong with that? WR: Wireless programme... SF: Programme, yes, you said it twice. NP: Programme. DN: Too many programmes. SF: I think you’re not allowed to repeat words Derek, I think that’s the clue. NP: Too many, too many programmes. Right! BBC radio is with you Stephen, eight seconds left starting now. SF: (Imitating Derek Nimmo’s drawl) Of course, the original gauleiter of the BBC was going... BUZZ NP: Paul? PM: Imitation! NP: Yes! PM: Very bad one! NP: So he was deviating from his normal voice! PM: And incoherent yes! Deviation! NP: Five seconds for you to tell us something about BBC radio starting now. PM: The 1950s saw such... BUZZ NP: Stephen Fry. SF: It’s repetition of 19. He was talking about the 1940s earlier on. NP: Yes you talked about the 1940s before and now you’ve got the 1950s. So that is repetition. PM: Extraordinary decision sweetie! SF: He’s a honey puckle isn’t he? NP: I’ll never survive this, I really won’t! There are two seconds for you darling on um BBC radio starting now. BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes, but, but I do think you’re way out in the lead Derek. I think you can allow a ... DN: I don’t think Stephen Fry requires pity! NP: I just wish him to gain confidence... WR: It’s all favouritism tonight, isn’t it! NP: No... WR: That’s what it is! DN: It’s all since Stephen called him sweetie, have you noticed? I know, sweetie! END OF CLIP NP: The regular players have often noted that the game is not a good means for telling jokes or humourous stories. There are exceptions, and of course you’re winning if you can get the others to want to wait for the punchline. even if you never actually had one! START OF CLIP NP: Derek you have the subject and a point and 17 seconds on Capability Brown starting now. DN: He was very lucky, I think, to find himself, during his formative years, working at the great Garden in Stowe under William Kent. For the first time in his life he was able to make a heart ditto, if you see what I mean because you can’t repeat a word... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: I don’t think he should be allowed to say ditto! KW: Quite right! Very good point! Hear hear! Quite agree! NP: You once again got in with one and a half seconds to go starting now. PJ: His brother was Inability Brown who... WHISTLE NP: Oh I’m glad... PJ: He cultivated window boxes! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: There are 19 seconds left on where the money goes starting now. CF: There’s not much doubt but we are in a period of great inflation. And as the farmer said to me the other day, "apples are going up" to which I replied "this would come as a severe blow to Sir Isaac Newton!" who spent so much of his life determining... WHISTLE END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Forty-seven seconds, burglars, Paul, starting now. PM: About a year ago I had a burglar. I was lucky, I disturbed him, I said "there is no God".... END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: So let’s go to Barry Cryer, and now the subject is what I wrote on a wall starting now. BC: It is a relaxation, a source of solace to me, and I write at my convenience which is the most suitable place. I once write on a wall "Nellie Melba is the toast of the town" and just underneath that I inscribed "I love grils". Returning the following day somebody had written underneath "you mean girls, you fool". And returning the... BUZZ BC: ... following day, somebody else had written "no, he doesn’t, what about his grils?" The other thing I noticed... NP: Halfway, halfway, I’m afraid halfway through the joke you were challenged. I let it go because I wanted to hear the payoff. BC: Well that’s very nice. NP: I knew the payoff, I wanted the audience to hear the payoff. PJ: Well let’s hear the payoff! NP: Clement Freud, you actually challenged a time back... CF: Yes. NP: What was your challenge? CF: Repetition of returning. NP: I don’t know, he did return to his convenience three times very rapidly. BC: I’m not a regular member of the programme. NP: I know, you’re standing in the boiling water... Anyway Clement Freud you have 32 seconds on what I wrote on a wall starting now. CF: As I have never done that sort of thing and disapprove very much of obscenic authors in particular, it seems to me the best thing I can do is sing a short song.... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer has challenged. BC: I would challenge the definition of the word obscenic. NP: So would I but I wouldn’t be able to answer it! BC: Can it be deviation to challenge the inclusion of a non-existing word? NP: What about Ian Messiter, what about obscenic, do you think that’s a word? IAN MESSITER: It’s there. NP: It’s there, so I’m sorry, Ian Messiter’s ruled you out. PJ: What’s the difference between obscene and obscenic? Nick, I suppose! Good! NP: Peter you don’t say much when you have the subject but what you say when you haven’t is well worth every moment of! Clement Freud has another point and he has eight seconds on what I wrote in a wall starting now. CF: I did approach this wall and write upon it the word "dap... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo, would you begin the next round. The subject following that one is what I read on a wall starting now. DN: I remembera wall in Yugoslavia which had something on it, (starts to gabble in Yugoslavian) BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Um, became incoherent. I happen to speak perfect Yugoslavian! And I know that he stumbled over the second syllable! NP: For that I definitely award you a point for a correct challenge and you have 45 seconds Peter on what I read on a wall starting now. PJ: Well the door of this toilet was about 9 inches off the floor and it said on the wall "beware of the limbo dancers"! This er... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Well actually deviation because he said he read it on the door, he didn’t read it on the wall. NP: I don’t mind where he read it, he deserves a point! And he gets a point for a wrong challenge and he carries on with 25 seconds on what I read on a wall, Peter, starting now. PJ: And in another place I saw on the wall, the Romans came to Shrewsbury in 54 AD and damn all has happened since! And it was signed by an American serviceman who gave his number... END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: Paul the subject is burps. Will you tell us something about that without demonstrating hopefully starting now. PM: Um a burp is an exhalation of wind. In this country it is not a particularly nice thing to do. It reminds me of a story of this party that’s going on and suddenly one of the guests burps. And the host turns to him and says "how dare you burp before my wife?" And he says "I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know it was her turn." Burping is generally considered rude and ill mannered. Most people would apologise when they do burp... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I let him get the joke but he has done a lot of singular burps. And it’s really... NP: The subject’s called burps and you’ve given us a couple of singular burps. Derek’s... PJ: There is one thing worse than a burp. I’m not going to tell you what it is! PM: That was the original version of that joke in fact! NP: I know! No the story I know about that is when the Queen was in a carriage on a state occasion and she was riding along with some sovereign from Brunei or somewhere. And the horse in the front let off an incredible excavation of wind from his rear quarters. And the, Her Majesty was very embarrassed and said "oh I do apologise". And the Sultan said "oh it’s quite all right, if you hadn’t said anything I wouldn’t have known." END OF CLIP NP: It’s very often everything but the topic that is spoken on which forms the entertainment of the game. And then unexpectedly the subject itself will suddenly prove extremely fertile, or throw up one of the greatest pleasures we all have in Just A Minute, a running joke. START OF CLIP NP: Kenneth it’s your turn to begin and the subject is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. That’s the subject, 60 seconds starting now. KW: She was on this pier and was actually covered in hair. I know that sounds fantastic but you see, she was the most extraordinary person I have ever met. And a sort of slushing sound came out on every sibilant. (Imitates slushing sibilants) BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of (makes slushing sibilant sound) KW: Don’t be absurd! That’s not repetition! That’s not! Don’t be absurd! I said (slushing sibilants). That’s not repetition! NP: You did, you repeated (slushing sibilant) KW: Well in that case then, the sound of I and T which reoccurs in a sentence could also be called repetition! That’s ridiculous! Thank you, thank you! The audience agree.. NP: That might be a part of a word, you made a definite noise, a (slushing sibilant). KW: If I say (slushing sybillants throughout) you see a stranger across a crowded room, (stops slushing) that’s not repetition! Well I mean, I’m always being unfairly used! NP: Kenneth you’re... KW: They’re trying to make a butt of me! NP: I’ll give you a bonus point for your brilliant demonstration but I disagree entirely and Clement Freud has the subject after a repetition and there are 37 seconds left, the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met starting now. CF: Investigating the appearance carefully it was none other than Nicholas Parsons. About time, people said, as they walked by... NP: Kenneth you challenged. KW: Oh did I? NP: Yes. KW: What was the basis? NP: Nicholas Parsons, repetition. KW: Oh that’s right, he said it before! NP: So Kenneth you get the subject back and there are 17 seconds on the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met starting now. KW: He was entirely black and he was on the upper berth of a train... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: He’s already established the most extraordinary person he’s ever met was covered with hair and was a lady! NP: Yes I’m afraid you did! KW: Haven’t you ever heard of a sex change? You great... It happened to her! NP: Kenneth that was a brilliant attempt, I’m tempted to give you another bonus point but actually... KW: Don’t be tempted dear, do it! Go on! Strain yourself! NP: Even if it was the most extraordinary person in your world that had a sex change, they still couldn’t have changed colour! KW: Yes that’s right! NP: No, that’s... KW: Have you ever heard of blacking up? NP: Oh blacking up! No... there are 13 seconds with you Derek on the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met starting now. DN: The most extraordinary person that I have ever met was a woman with amazing measurements, 38 breasts, 22... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: No woman could have 38 breasts! DN: I did establish... KW: I know, I know! You meant bust! NP: I know! He meant bust! DN: That’s why she was extraordinary! I don’t expect a normal woman to have 38 breasts! This particular woman... NP: I think you deviated far too far... DN: The subject on the card is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Now if I saw a woman come here with 38 breasts, would you not think that was a trifle odd? In fact might you not say this was extraordinary and that was what... PJ: No, it would only be odd if she had 37! END OF CLIP START OF CLIP NP: And Paul you’ve got in with 33 seconds on First Baron George Jeffries starting now. PM: Whenever I think of the First... Baron... George... Jeffries.... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks challenged. TONY HAWKS: I’m buzzing because he’s actually saying that very slowly because he knows nothing about the First Baron George Jeffries! NP: You’re probably completely right! But he didn’t actually hesitate and there are 29 seconds on the First Baron George Jeffries starting now. PM: First... Baron... George... Jeffries was a pub round the... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: He said that already! NP: That’s the subject... PJ: Very slowly! NP: Yes he said that, that’s the subject on the card. You can repeat the subject on the card Peter. I know you’ve only been playing the game 25 years, but sometimes things do slip your memory, I realise. PJ: Thank God it’s merciful in that way! NP: And you still continue Paul with another point, 24 seconds, First Baron George Jeffries starting now. PM: Well the first Baron George Jeffries... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He’s speaking much more quickly! NP: Yeah I know! PM: It’s hormones! NP: As I know, give Clement a bonus, because he, I gave it to Paul when he was interrupted. Another point for interrupting Paul Merton to him, Paul gets another point and he continues on that subject.... BUZZ TH: Hang on! I don’t get any points and I thought of this idea first! NP: A point to Tony Hawks... TH: Thank you! NP: ... as he hasn’t played the game and he thought of it, and a point to Peter because of that lovely remark he made in the last round. So they’ve all got points now and er, Paul Merton continues with 22 seconds on First Baron George Jeffries starting now. PM: He was of course known as the Hanging Judge and it must have been an extraordinary experience to find yourself facing First Baron George Jeffries in the dock. And you’d look up at those cold blue eyes and realise that even... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hazel actually! NP: And you were there at the time to have been... PJ: No, but he happens to have been Baron of Gwent and that’s the town in Shropshire where I was actually born and brought up in. So I do know what I’m talking about! NP: Well according to my mother, he was one of her ancestors and she said that she had brown eyes. PJ: Brown! Hazel! Schmazel! NP: All right, let the audience judge... PM: What can they judge? What colour Judge Jeffries’ eyes? NP: That is the whole point... PM: How could they possibly know? NP: That is the whole point... PM: It’s your responsibility as a chairman! PJ: Anyway I don’t think... NP: I’m opting out of the responsibility! Because I don’t know what the colour of the eyes were! TH: Well Paul did say cold blue eyes, so hazel eyes when they’re cold do go a little bit blue. NP: Oh why do you want to make that! PM: Specially if you’re wearing contact lenses! NP: Yes! Judge Jeffries always wore contact lenses! PM: Well you’ve just decided he’s got hazel eyes! NP: No that’s the whole point, I didn’t decide, the audience decided! PJ: No, your mother decided! She’s going to be very upset, isn’t she? NP: She’s probably up in heaven with Judge Jeffries, or down in hell trying to find out where he is. PJ: Oh I didn’t realise that! What bad taste, I had no idea! I shouldn’t have brought her into it at all! I haven’t brought my mother into it! She’s passed away also. PM: To be honest, I wish I’d never mentioned his eyes now! PJ: Quite! You were just trying to eke it out a bit! Make it dramatic! NP: Well I think we’ll get back to playing Just A Minute. PJ: Right! NP: Peter you have half a second... PM: Half a second! Oh yes! NP: Half a second with hazel eyes of Judge Jeffries starting now. PJ: Bloody Judge Jeffries! END OF CLIP NP: I do hope you’ve enjoyed Silver Minutes and are looking forward as much as I am to the next 25 years. For now from all our guests, researcher Mark Louisson, the creator of the game Ian Messiter, producer Sarah Smith, and myself Nicholas Parsons, goodbye until the next time we play Just A Minute! Providing I can survive the onslaught! START OF CLIP NP: Forty-four seconds are left on dogs with you Derek starting now. DN: What I would like them to do are lavatories for dogs, I hate walking along the pavement... BUZZ NP: Er.. KW: I don’t want to hear this, it’s a family show! I don’t want to hear about dogs in loos! I think it’s a disgrace! I should have the subject back! Deviation! You’re all with me, aren’t you! Yes! And I should be the chairman as well you know! Yes! Because it wants moving on, doesn’t it! NP: Yes! Yes if you were a chairman, and you wouldn’t have anybody else speaking... KW: No, it would be lovely! It’d be one man, yes! END OF CLIP THEME MUSIC THIRD PART THEME MUSIC NP: Welcome to Just A Minute. THEME MUSIC NP: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. And welcome to the first in this new series of Just A Minute. And we’re delighted to have our four regular most experienced and most skilled players of the game here, Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo. They have to speak if they can for just 60 seconds on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. Kenneth the subject is the first of a new series, you have Just A Minute and you start now. KW: Well the first of a new series, I would very much like all those people listening to be able to see this team sitting so composedly, with an audience full of rapt attention, listening to the pearls of wisdom that are going to fall from our lips. As we belong to the EEC, it would be appropriate... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of E. NP: Oh! Clement you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 43 seconds left, the first of a new series starting now. CF: One of the most pleasant things about being in the first of a new series is that one can sit here quietly and appreciate the full beauty... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: If you sit there quietly, you can’t play this game! NP: That’s a very good challenge, isn’t it! PJ: Seems reasonable! NP: It gets you a point for a good challenge Peter... PJ: Thank you very much. NP: ...and you take over the subject and there are 32 seconds left, the first of a new series, starting now. PJ: Yes it’s nice to look at the rest of the artists who are participating because... BUZZ NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged. CF: If you sit there looking at the rest of the artists you can’t play this game. NP: Peter I disagree with the challenge, so you get a point for that and you have 27 seconds on the first of a new series starting now. PJ: It’s difficult for me to describe them except perhaps... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Your light came on. DN: I’d like to say welcome to a new series. NP: And what is your challenge? DN: It isn’t a challenge, I just want to say hello! I thought I’d be nice and friendly! Rather nice, isn’t it. NP: I don’t think that I can give you a bonus point for this challenge... DN: I don’t want one! I don’t want any. No charity, I just want to say hello! NP: As your challenge was incorrect and you interrupted Peter Jones, he naturally gets a point for that and he continues with the subject and there are 25 seconds left starting now. PJ: What can I say about these others? BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: All this what can I say and these beseechings and this repetition. I mean he’s already said it’s nice to be here! I made all those points. I think the subject should be returned to me! I am after all the person who’s entitled to the subject in the first place! NP: So what was your challenge Kenneth? KW: Well deviation. NP: Peter you have another point and you have 22 seconds left, the first of a new series, starting now. PJ: Well they are available! That’s about all I can say about my fellow.. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of say. NP: Yes you did say say before. PJ: Yes it’s so long ago I thought he’d probably forgotten! NP: Yes and it’s jolly difficult having being interrupted so often. Derek Nimmo you have the subject, you have a point, and you have 18 seconds, the first of a new series starting now. DN: In 1964 I was present at the Wanderers Ground in South Africa to see the first of a new series. My goodness, what a series it turned out to be. The splendid team that we sent out that year clad in their white... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: Repetition of out. He said in 1953 he was out in South Africa... NP: Out in South Africa and he was out again... DN: Absolutely right! NP: And Peter... DN: Jolly good! What a keen ear he’s got! NP: Five seconds for you now, Peter Jones, on the first of a new series starting now. PJ: Well I would like to say, if it’s the last thing I do... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of say. NP: Yes you did say before unfortunately. Clement you have three seconds on the first of a new series starting now. CF: I’d like to say... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. Didn’t start quickly enough at all! Terribly slow! NP: Not, not for you Peter, but I’m afraid quite enough for the game. Two seconds, Clement, on the first of a new series starting now. CF: And therefore I’d like to greet everyone... BUZZ NP: Some... Derek Nimmo. DN: I haven’t challenged. PJ: It must have been a correct challenge... NP: Well someone’s light... PJ: ...because you said it was two seconds and he said nothing! First of all it was three seconds... DN: Well that’s why I did it! I pressed my buzzer a moment ago on the say and it didn’t go on. This time I just had a little tentative one... PJ: Are you blaming your equipment because you’re falling behind? DN: My buzzer’s no good! I’ve got a faulty buzzer! How can you start a new series with a faulty buzzer? That’s what I want to know! NP: Your buzzer’s... KW: A bad workman always blames his tools! Oh yes! PJ: Right! NP: Your buzzer’s perfectly all right, it came... DN: My buzzer’s not working! PJ: Now my point is... NP: Yes what’s your point? PJ: My... Clement had three seconds... NP: Yes... PJ: ...in which to make a speech... NP: Yes. PJ: ...and I buzzed... NP: Yes. PJ: ...hesitation... NP: Yes. PJ: ...you then said "now you’ve got two seconds"... NP: But during that second... PJ: He said nothing! NP:... he said something. PJ: What did he say? Nothing! NP: He did speak, he said, er, a definite phrase, the full content I can’t remember, but he did speak... PJ: You’re the chairman and you can’t remember what the last speaker said? DN: It’s going to be a rotten series I can tell you! PJ: I don’t know! I think, you know, his buzzer isn’t working, you can’t rememebr! What chance have we got! NP: We won’t have a chance in hell if you keep up this much longer! Right, Peter shut up! Kenneth, er, Derek... KW: I haven’t said anything! I think it’s a disgrace! I come all the way from Great Portland Street... DN: He’s losing his nerve! NP: I said... PJ: I’m not surprised! NP: I said once... DN: I want my buzzer to be repaired! KW: Leave your buzzer out of it! NP: I said once the four boys get together, it’s all against the chairman! Clement you’ve been very very restrained and very civilised. You have another point and one second to go, the first of a new series starting now. CF: The end of... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud, your turn to begin. What to do with the hole in the do-nut. That’s the subject that Ian Messiter’s thought of for you. So can you talk about what to do with the hole in the do-nut for 60 seconds starting now. CF: It’s pretty difficult to spend 60 seconds discussing what to do with the hole in the do-nut, because when you’ve said "fill it", it is left only to discuss the methods of filling and the means whereby this could be affected. Jam is a very popular substance, but lemon curd or even cream has been known to be inserted in the midst of this mass of pastry before it is sugared and fried in deep fat. In the Army where people... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why? PJ: Well it isn’t made of pastry. It’s made of dough. CF: Dough... PJ: Dough-nut! It’s made of dough! KW: Amazing really Clem lent himself open there with that! Because he’s supposed to be an expert isn’t he, on all this food business. PJ: Exactly! Yes! KW: Amazing he laid himself open like that! NP: It’s probably classified as a pastry, but I think we give it to him because of the dough. Don’t you Clement? CF: Yes. NP: Good! Thirty seconds on what to do with the hole in the do-nut Peter Jones starting now. PJ: Well of course quite apart from filling it with cream, flavoured or otherwise, you can peer through it at a number of things... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CF: Deviation, you really can’t! NP: Well if you lift a do-nut up to your eye, you can peer through it because it’s got a large hole. CF: No, no, no it doesn’t come out the other side... NP: Oh yes, you are thinking, you forget the round do-nuts... DN: Oh the round do-nuts. NP: ... that have a hole that goes right through... DN: A hole right through. NP: You can put them on your finger. KW: No, no, no, that is not a do-nut, that is a do-nut ring, which is quite another thing. NP: It’s still a do-nut! Well if it’s not a do-nut, what is it? KW: I’m afraid, no, I’m afraid Clement is quite right. The hole in the do-nut... PJ: It’s just the same! KW: ...is not a do-nut ring! That wouldn’t do at all! NP: I think, Kenneth put it perfectly well... KW: The perfect... NP: Oh shut up Kenneth! When he said it’s not a do-nut, it’s a do-nut ring. Peter Jones you keep the subject and there are 20 seconds on what to do with a hole in the do-nut starting now. PJ: You can thread raffia through a number of holes in... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, there is no question about this! Nobody would go round putting raffia through do-nuts! I can tell you this I’ve never heard such utter rubbish in my life! NP: Kenneth... KW: You earlier on accused a member of this team of talking balderdash! You stood there and said it! Sat there actually! NP: I didn’t say anything, Peter Jones said... now listen! If you want to put a bit of raffia through a hole in the do-nut, you can have a wonderful party game by holding it up and seeing who can bite the most out of it! Peter Jones you have another point and you have 17 seconds on what to do with the hole in a do-nut starting now. PJ: And make a kind of necklace which can be decorative and be very handy if you... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, I’ve never seen anyone going around like this! Do-nut necklaces! NP: I’ve never seen anybody with a do-nut necklace but it’s perfectly possible if you were kinky and... KW: Out of your own mouth you’ve convicted yourself, it’s deviation... NP: He has not deviated... he has not deviated from the subject on the card which is what to do with the hole in the do-nut. He’s put raffia round it and he’s put it round his neck. He can do what he likes with it, providing he doesn’t deviate from the subject. He has 11 seconds on what to do with the hole in the do-nut, Peter Jones, starting now. PJ: It can be extremely helpful if you feel like a nibble and want to eat something before you take it off... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: The one thing you can’t nibble is the hole in the do-nut! PJ: Now I didn’t, I didn’t say you could eat the hole! NP: You did establish... PJ: You make a necklace of the do-nuts and then you nibble them! KW: Don’t try and wriggle out of it mate! Don’t try! DN: You’re right! PJ: Who’s right? DN: You are. NP: The subject is the hole in the do-nut! PJ: He’s right! Derek Nimmo says I’m right! NP: Well Derek Nimmo’s against me entirely through the show anyway! You were talking about, the subject is what to do with the hole in the do-nut, and you talked about eating so you were either deviating from the subject or else you were deviating... PJ: Well naturally you eat the hole with the rest of the do-nut! It’s not done to ignore the hole and leave it at the side of the plate! NP: All right, they both chalked up metaphorical points for cleverness and rapport and wit! Clement Freud he has a point for a correct challenge. What to do with the hole in the do-nut Clement, four seconds, starting now. CF: In the Royal Navy there was a directive... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, the Royal Navy has nothing to do with do-nuts, they have rum! NP: He hadn’t got going, he has two seconds left on what to do with the hole in the do-nut starting now. CF: Whereas the Air Force... WHISTLE NP: Derek your turn to begin, the subject bands. Can you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now. DN: Quite early on in my career I formed the very first rock and roll band in Great Britain. It was called Dave Shand and his afore-mentioned Band. And why I did this, because therew as a film with Bill Haley and his Comets. It had just been released in Great Britain at that time. And I thought what a wonderful idea it would be if the English public could listen to this new thrilling musical band. And that was what I did. And I went to the Lyceum Theatre in Newport and started by telling the people... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Two starteds and a number of other smaller words repeated. NP: You don’t need to rub it in Peter! One challenge is enough! PJ: Well it often isn’t with you! NP: I agree with the challenge, Peter, you take over the subject of bands and there are 28 seconds left starting now. PJ: Now Harry Roy had a wonderful band, and so did Henry Hall. And they used to feature at... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Henry Hall’s wasn’t that wonderful, was it? NP: But it’s still not deviation because some people thought it was quite good. The subject is still bands, it’s still with you Peter, there are 22 seconds left starting now. PJ: Lou Stone had one that used to play from the Kit-Kat Club. And Maurice Wynoch was another great leader in this era. But perhaps still best of all was a man who happily is still with us... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of still, still with us, still leading musician. NP: Yes! What a miserable challenge! But it’s perfectly correct... DN: What do you mean? It’s either repetition or it’s not! Why should it be miserable if the word... NP: Well I always remark, I did the same thing with Clement Freud... KW: No, no I think Nicholas is absolutely right because he’s right! No, it’s miserable because he is, he is singling out the fact that you are picking on tiny little words which are essential really in usage, ordinary usage. Whereas really repetition is about using a word that is singular in some fashion. He’s been doing it too! He drags everything down! It gets absolutely boring if you keep on nit picking like that! I quite agree with you Nicholas, I think you’ve got a very good point there. NP: What’s come over him? Thank you very much, Kenneth! I, I, I, I’m overwhelmed! And Peter Jones has, no I’m sorry, Derek, it was a correct challenge so you actually do have the subject. Four seconds on bands starting now. DN: Ted Heath, Jack Parnell. They are some of the names that come to my mind... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo has taken the lead at the end of that round. Peter your turn to begin, the subject naval displays. Will you tell us something about them in the game starting now. PJ: Well mostly I suppose they’re concerned with boats and ships messing about in the... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged, yes. KW: I thought it was a pause there. Hesitation. NP: Definitely. PJ: There was, there was. NP: There was, yes. PJ: Yes. NP: I don’t think he wanted the subject actually. There are 53 seconds for you to talk about naval displays Kenneth starting now. KW: The finest naval display you’ll ever see is when I get out my navel. And I have got a very special thing which I got through the post called a belly-button brush. And it does the job marvelously! It really gets into all the nooks and crannies. And I feel every bit as satisfied as knocking the head off a boiled egg and feeling that another nationalised industry has been returned to its rightful owners. Because after all people have got no right to take these things over. The Government steps in. What does that mean to us? I don’t blame them, I went over there, I said to one of them "you, more power to your elbow mate!" I said "as far as I’m concerned, the best thing they can all do is to down... BUZZ NP: Clement why did you challenge? CF: It was a long way away from navel displays. PJ: Yes it was, he got as far as his elbow at one point! NP: Clement Freud has a legitimate challenge with four seconds to go on naval displays starting now. CF: The whole fleet’s lit up, were the words that... WHISTLE NP: They were the words of that unfortunate commentator who shall be nameless for obvious reasons. Kenneth the subject is rules, which we have in this show which I try and interpret and there’s one minute to talk about them starting now. KW: Rules are made to be broken by geniuses. Michelangelo is a case in point, so of course is John McEnroe. And I am among this group as well. Rules exist... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: I think he’s in the McEnroe Group, but I don’t think he’s in the er other one! NP: The Michelangelo Group! All right, what do I do? Give Peter a bonus point because we enjoyed his challenge and leave the subject with Kenneth, but he’s got a point because he was interrupted. Forty-seven seconds are left with you Kenneth on rules starting now. KW: I went to a restaurant called Rules in Maiden Lane, and saw in a tiny alcove, almost hidden from public view, two people having what was obviously a tete a tete... oh... BUZZ NP: Which of course in France means my bra’s too tight! Ah Clement Freud got in first with the challenge, which we all know what it was, tete. And rules is back with you Clement and there are 32 seconds... no it’s not back with you, it’s the first time you’ve spoken on rules, 32 seconds are left starting now. CF: This is the first time that I’ve spoken on rules and I’m very pleased and grateful to be given this opportunity. We in Westminster who move in the circles of Government spend much time on rules... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: He doesn’t move in the circles of Government, he’s in Opposition! Deviation! KW: Hahahahahahaha! Yes! Hahahahahahahaha! Oh! Yes! NP: It was either wish fulfillment or he foresaw the future! So Derek we give it to you with 18 seconds on rules starting now. DN: The rules of Just A Minute supposedly are that you can’t deviate, hesitate or repeat yourself. There are however all kinds of other rules which our chairman invents from time to time. And when he’s in a totally... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I think time to time is... DN: I think so! NP: Yes. DN: It’s as bad as tete a tete, I think! NP: And five seconds are left for you Clement on rules starting now. CF: In football it is for instance essential to have one man between you and the goal... WHISTLE NP: Well with the subject of rules Clement Freud has surged ahead and it’s also his turn to begin. The subject is my forebears. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. CF: My four bears were called Desmond, Montorenski, Charles and Fred. And they were hooked on Goldilocks and adored honey. In fact they ate more of that sweetmeat than any other bears that I’ve come across. My children when they came home from work at night used to say "will you tell us a story about your four bears?" And I would sit down and say once upon a time there were four bears. Marigold, Charles, Sonia, Deirdre. It was a different story from the one that I was going to tell you before. And they adored it. In fact some of them stopped, went on to the unemployment register, simply so that they could stay in the sitting room or lounge of the house and listen to other recantations of an animal nature such as this. The four bears that I had were a grandfather, mother, uncle... WHISTLE NP: Well with tremendous effort and almost teetering on the brink of pausing, Clement Freud kept going and with great forbearance from the other three, he spoke for 60 seconds without being interrupted. He gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus point for not being interrupted. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is cheek. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. DN: This is something which we all have four of. Two in the lower extremity and the same number in the higher. Now if you turn the other cheek in the Biblical sense, it means that instead of asking for an eye for a yer, or a tooth... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, you were, you were struggling so well there Derek to get out of it. An eye for a yer! Fantastic! Forty-two seconds for Clement has the subject of cheek now starting now. PJ: Very good that! CF: Cheek is when someone of diminished responsibility goes to the British Broadcasting Corporation and elects to be chairman of a panel game. On the basis that he might have some idea of how to control people whose multi-syllabic words he doesn’t understand, whose meaning he is unable to comprehend and whose hours and times he is unable to keep. I’ve now said unable three times, and because nobody’s interrupted me, only... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well, I’m not interrupting because I’m enjoying it! NP: Another reason that you weren’t interrupted is because no-one could hear it because Kenneth Williams was making the audience laugh so much! So Peter what was your challenge? PJ: Deviation. NP: What of? PJ: He mentioned something three times. NP: Repetition of unable, right. PJ: What? NP: Peter you take over the subject of cheek and there are 15 seconds left starting now. PJ: It’ll get you a long way. I had an uncle who took me to the pictures once during the war at the Empire, Leicester Square, which had a notice above the box office which said "forces, half price". He put down half the money... BUZZ PJ: ...and he said "Secret Service" and they let him in! NP: But Clement Freud challenged before the payoffs. So Clement, what was it? CF: Repetition of half. NP: Yes I’m sorry Peter. Good story. Four seconds before the end and you were interrupted, cheek is back with Clement, and what cheek as well starting now. CF: Sideburns are things that grow all the way down... WHISTLE NP: Well they all got points in that round but Kenneth Williams is still in the lead, one ahead of the second which is Clement Freud and Kenneth you also begin the next round. The subject is stopping hiccups. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now. KW: You must alter the rhythms that have been established in the sarspiratory diaphragm. So consequently you must breathe in a different way. One of the best tips I can give you is to inhale deeply and then recite a long piece. Such as the old order changes (gets faster and faster into full-on Kenneth Williams gibberish) BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: You’d be better off with the hiccups! NP: So we give Peter Jones a bonus point for his delightful remark and also another point for a correct challenge because he’d deviated from hiccups on to a recitation of er a poem which we couldn’t understand! Peter you have 23 seconds on stopping hiccups starting now. BUZZ NP: Yes Kenneth you challenged. KW: What is, how, how did the subject get taken away from me? What, what is the grounds? NP: Because you deviated from hiccups, you were just reciting something. KW: On the contrary, I was describing a remedy and he... NP: I know but your remedy went... KW: He didn’t challenge. He said "you’d be better off with the hiccups". He didn’t express a challenge. He was just making a funny remark and the audience, for some peculiar reason... NP: Well I thought, I thought... KW: ...found this very comic! I don’t find it funny! I’ve come all the way from Great Portland Street and I’m not here to be made fun of! Do you think I’m some object of ridicule? Do you think that’s what I am? AUDIENCE SHOUTS OF "YES" PJ: Yes! DN: Can we put that to the audience? KW: Well he obviously has done! NP: I mean, as chairman it is my very difficult decision to try and make judgements and decisions and my decision that you were deviating. DN: You just said that he was a very good chairman, didn’t you. KW: Yeah I did, I know. NP: But those thoughts in any panellists minds amongst these four never last for very long, I notice. So Peter you still have 23 seconds on the subject of stopping hiccups starting now. PJ: Well you can try and drink a glass of water while you’re standing on your head. But I remember when my little daughter had it, she was so badly affected by this hiccups that I suddenly decided to give her a surprise and I pretended to have a heart attack! And it was so realistic and some mind-boggling that she was terribly upset. She did have the er... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject pleasantries, starting now. PJ: Well they are those little things, not exactly jokes or even quips. But... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation Derek. You have a correct challenge and you have 53 seconds on pleasantries starting now. DN: Whatho old fruit! How frightfully nice to see you! It is a lovely day! Oh my goodness me! Isn’t it a long time since we last met! What a jokey chap you are! I know Freddie, Bertie boy! You’re looking absolutely marvelous! Mary how is your cousin George! Oh I do remember Auntie Mabel last time she came across from across the Channel! I do think it’s quite simply lovely! I.... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: What, absolutely right. NP: He did say it quite a lot didn’t he. Clement you have a point and 31 seconds for pleasantries starting now. CF: Come and have tea with me and listen to my doilies is the sort of plea... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, you can’t listen to a doily! I’ve never held an intelligent conversation with a doily in my life! NP: No! KW: Doilies are under cakes, aren’t they? NP: Yes! KW: They’re just lying there aren’t they! I’ve never talked to one. CF: Or next to Cartes! KW: Oh! You mean D’Oyly Carte. Oh I see. Oh you mean you know the family? NP: Well um Kenneth we would like to hear from you and I think that doilies does sound like doilies and I don’t think many people talk about D’Oyly Carte as doilies. And Mr D’Oyly Carte himself would turn in his grave at the thought of it. KW: Quite right! NP: So Kenneth we’ll give it to you and say that you have 26 seconds on pleasantries starting now. KW: They range from "what’cher, cock?" which of course is pretty ruuude in the sense of cruuude, not in any... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuude! NP: It was very rude! But as it’s the last round... DN: Repetition, it was repetition. NP: I know it’s repetition but as it’s the last round and you couldn’t possibly win... KW: I didn’t repeat, I said rude in the sense of crude. Where’s the repetition, dearie? NP: I’m sorry... KW: You want to wash your ears out! PJ: I thought he said rude twice. KW: Of course I didn’t, you great fool! I mean I don’t know why he’s sitting over there! Why don’t they give him a hearing aid! DN: Three of us! NP: I’m afraid most of the audience thought you said rude twice. CF: No, no! KW: Did I? SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It’s all right, we’re all on his side. You don’t have to shout for him like that. Even if he said rude twice, I was still going to leave it with him for the end of the show. Because he started and we want him to finish. CF: It’s pathetic when you... NP: Nineteen seconds starting now. KW: Let all the rest depart and only some several dukes and I shall in this stately conclave make departure and thus with all our minds on one intent shall no... I said shall twice... BUZZ NP: Why didn’t you keep going? Clement Freud what have you challenged for? CF: Three shalls. NP: All right we have to give it to you coz it was a correct challenge. There are six seconds on pleasantries starting now. CF: In the evening when the lights are dim and... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Yes Peter, you have three seconds on pleasantries starting now. PJ: I threw the money on the bed and I said to the girl’s father... WHISTLE NP: Well I do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. We’ve really enjoyed playing it. I’ve even enjoyed them being rude to me for once! It only remains for me to say on behalf of all four of them and of course the person who’s been keeping the score, writing it down and blowing her whistle, and of course the man who invented the game which means we keep working and that is Ian Messiter and our director who also helps us to keep working by employing us, and myself Nicholas Parsons, we hope you’ve enjoyed it and will want to tune in again the same time when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye. THEME MUSIC FOURTH PART THEME MUSIC NP: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. We welcome on the panel this week our four regular witty impossible irrepressible players of the game. And they’re going to try and talk as usual if they can on the subject I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud. And Clement the subject that Ian Messiter’s chosen is the best game. Will you tell us something about that in the contest starting now. CF: The very best game is when two people go into a room, each with a bottle of whiskey, and they drink that all is therein. And then one of them goes out, knocks on the door and the other has to guess who it is. Quite a good game which could just go for the best game is to approach the chairman of Just A Minute with a stinkbomb. You, you step on it and the smell is so absolutely foul the entire programme has to be put back by quarter of an hour, causing enormous distress and inconvenience to the competitors who has appointments for dinner and were in fact moving to Cambridgeshire in order that elderly ladies with nothing better to do than wait for their Member of... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, he’s not talking about the best game now, he’s complaining about being late for a dinner appointment! NP: I think he had got well away from the best game. So Derek you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of the best game starting now. DN: Almost the best game in my experience is... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he’s talking about almost the best game. That’s not any good. NP: Well I think it doesn’t matter Peter, you could say almost the best game or the very best game or not the best game. PJ: I thought we wanted to talk about the best game. Isn’t that the subject? The best game! NP: He’s not.. PJ: Well almost the best game isn’t the best game! CF: Quite right! PJ: It’s almost the best game! NP: I think that’s one of those impossible decisions that I have to make on occasions. So what I will do... PJ: It’s not, it’s a very easy decision! It’s just you find it impossible to make it! NP: No I find it quite easy to make it but the trouble is I’m going to get all kinds of brickbats if everybody can interpret it in different ways. I’m going to let the audience... CF: Well we just haven’t got the best chairman, have we? NP: I’m going to let the audience er, I’m going to let you judge. So if you agree with Peter’s challenge then you all cheer for him and if you disagree then you all boo against him and you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I think the cheers have it Peter, so you have the subject and you have 12 seconds on the best game starting now. PJ: Well I think patience played with cards is probably the best game. Because it means that there’s no... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, he said you can’t have almost, now he’s saying probably! NP: Probably the best game, yes! So by the same token you have seven seconds to take over the subject of the best game starting now. KW: The best game should be allowed to hang for as long as possible before you actually consume it. Otherwise the flavour... WHISTLE NP: So when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Kenneth Williams and I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear at the end of that round he has a commanding lead over all the others! In fact he has 100 percent more marks than they have. He has two and two of them have one and Clement Freud... Derek, will you tell us something about parbuckles in Just A Minute starting now. DN: My son, Piers James Alexander Nimmo, is at a preparatory school called The Dragon in Oxford. And his housemaster is named Richard Kershaw Sudbury "Pa" Buckles. The reason they call him Pa Buckles is of course he’s a father himself. And all the boys lovingly shout every morning "hello Pa Buckles" when he comes down the stairs, with his handy slipper which he whacks them with! And sometimes on the games field in the middle of the game of rugby, with the Fijians around, he’s been known to cry ... "Pa Buckles..." BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. DN: Very boring subject isn’t it! CF: Hesitation! NP: Yes there was a hesitation. And what on earth, I’d have thought deviation, all those Fijians at his son’s school, I don’t believe it for a minute! Er Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and you take over the subject of parbuckles and there are 25 seconds left starting now. CF: Parbuckles is sort of nautical. Like a rope which they call a sheath. Or it might even be a knot which they call a clove hitch, lasso, or noose... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation, it is not a knot. NP: No, but he said it could be... KW: It can’t be a knot! It is a rope! NP: He was giving an example of how this word... KW: Parbuckle is a rope, it can’t be a knot! It’s a rope, it’s got to go up and down! A knot can’t go and down! What are you talking about? A knot’s for tying, you great nit! He’s an idiot! He doesn’t know anything! He’s never read a dictionary! NP: He was sticking to the subject of parbuckles and giving examples of a different kind and... DN: He can’t be... KW: How can a knot be... what are you talking about? It’s a rope for raising and lowering articles! How can it be a knot! NP: It is not a knot! And I’m not going to have an argument about it... KW: He said it could be a knot, it’s deviation, it can’t be a knot! PJ: But it doesn’t matter, it’s not er... KW: Why, it matters to me! It matters very much to me! What do you mean it doesn’t matter! I think it’s important that these people here are given an accurate account of these things, otherwise they’re going out of this place, full of misinformation! PJ: But a few, a few weeks ago... NP: Clement Freud... KW: Is that what you want, a nation of illiterates walking round not knowing, not having any idea all their lives, what a parbuckle is!They want to know, they’re throbbing with it, aren’t they! That lady there, she’s dieing to know what a real parbuckle is and I happen to know! NP: Kenneth! Clement’s already told us what a real parbuckle is but he’s given us an example, you’ve done your little bit, the audience loved it. We’ll get back to the contest, it was an incorrect challenge. Clement wasn’t deviating from the subject, he keeps it, there are 13 seconds left starting now. CF: In a ship’s chandler’s shop in Leyton buzzer... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of ships. NP: Yes, you did mention the word ships before... CF: Not ships chandler, ship-apostrophe-S chandler. NP: You’re quite right, yes it was ships before and this was ship-apostrophe-S, I’m sorry Clement... DN: Well is that... NP: Ten seconds... DN: Oh for goodness sale! Really! NP: ... on parbuckles starting ... DN: Since he was a prefect at school you’ve always been terrified of Freud haven’t you! KW: Yes! He’s right! Yes! Right, yes! That’s true! DN: If anybody else on the team had said ships twice... NP: I try to be... DN: Ships-apostrophe-s! A load of rubbish! You ought to resign! KW: Resign! DN: Resign! KW: Resign! DN: Shall we ask the audience if Parsons should resign? KW: He’s a rotten chairman! NP: All right the man who thought of the game is sitting beside me, S-apostrophes and plurals, are they different words? KW: It’s no good asking him! IAN MESSITER: Yes they are! NP: Thank you, so I was right to give Clement Freud.... DN: If you’re given a word like checks, it can be all different kinds, it can be checks with an apostrophe... NP: The man who thought of the game says that the decision was right... DN: It takes a plural! NP: ... so Clement keeps the subject and there are nine and a half seconds on parbuckles starting now. CF: And they strung up the chairman by a parbuckle... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: No because a parbuckle can only be used for carrying cylindrical objects... NP: Yes... CF: What do you think of the... DN: I withdraw my challenge! I’m sorry! I withdraw my challenge! I’m sorry! NP: I’m a cylindrical object that could be strung up by a parbuckle. Derek Nimmo’s with parbuckle, with four and a half seconds starting now. DN: Barrels can be hoisted up by parbuckles onto the top of a roof where they will be found to be very useful... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth it’s your turn to begin and the subject is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. That’s the subject, 60 seconds starting now. KW: The most extraordinary person I ever met was actually covered in... don’t do that! He’s doing it deliberately! BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. KW: He’s just... PJ: Hesitation! KW: No I wasn’t hesitating, I was saying don’t do that. He’s just sitting there, looking at me and making faces, funny faces and trying to put me off. PJ: Well I know! And he succeeded! KW: Ah that’s not in the rules, the rules of the game state that you should be allowed to proceed... CF: No, no, no! KW: It does! NP: There’s nothing about being allowed to proceed! DN: According to Nicholas Parsons... KW: It does! It says in the book without let or hindrance! It’s in the book! NP: Now there’s a book about it! You’re making up new rules as you go along! Kenneth I do believe that you were obstructed and... KW: Thank you! NP: ... I don’t think that’s fair play! KW: Thank you, yes. NP: And I said before I like to see fair play. So I’m not going to allow the challenge and you keep the subject, and you have 53 seconds on the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now. KW: She was on this pier and was actually covered in hair. I know that sounds fantastic but you see it was the most extraordinary person I have ever met. And a certain slushing sound came out on every sibilant (makes slushing sounds) BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of (slushing sound) KW: Don’t be absurd! That’s not repetition! That’s not, don’t be absurd, I said (slushing sounds) NP: Yes! You did! You repeated (slushing sound) KW: In that case then the sound of I and T which recurs in a sentence could also be called repetition! That’s rid... Thank you! Thank you! NP: Kenneth... KW: The audience is with me and they’re obviously... NP: The I and T is part of a word. You made a definite noise, (slushing sound) KW: Don’t be absurd, I said on the sibillants there was a slushing sound and then illustrated it. If you’re going to tell me you can’t illustrate it... PJ: You illustrated it... KW: ... you might as well say oh consonants are in the line as well, so are vowels! NP: Well Kenneth if I was taking you literally you could go through the whole of that with only (slushing sounds) for 60 seconds. KW: If I say some(slushing sounds) enchanted evening you could s(slush)ee a s(slush)tranger across(slush) a crowded room, that’s not repetition! That’s not repetition! Well I mean I’m always being unfairly used! NP: Kenneth you’re... KW: They try to make a butt of me! NP: Kenneth you’re not unfairly used, I give you a tremendous amount of rope and you invariably hang with yourself with it! But I’ll give you a bonus point for your brilliant demonstration but I disagree entirely. And Clement Freud has the subject after repetition and there are 37 seconds left, the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now. CF: The most extraordinary person I have ever met was hanging from a parbuckle and looked like a cylindrical object! He swung backwards and forwards in the high wind. And investigating the appearance carefully, it was none other than Nicholas Parsons our chairman. About time, people said as they were walking by... NP: Kenneth you challenged! KW: Oh did I? NP: Yes! KW: What was the basis? NP: Nicholas Parsons, repetition. KW: Oh that’s right, he said it before! NP: And we don’t want too much of him in this show, do we! So Kenneth you get the subject back and there are 17 seconds on the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met starting now. KW: He was entirely black and was in the upper berth of a train which was leaving... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Deviation, he’s already established that the most extraordinary person he’s ever met was covered with hair and was a lady. NP: Yes I’m afraid you did! KW: Haven’t you ever heard of a sex change? You great fool! It’s happening all the time! NP: Kenneth, actually it was a brilliant attempt. I’m tempted to give you another bonus point. But actually... KW: Don’t be tempted, dear! Do it! Go on! Strain yourself! NP: But even if the most extraordinary person in your world had had a sex change, they still couldn’t have changed colour! KW: Yes that’s right! NP: No... that’s right yes! KW: Haven’t you heard of blacking up? NP: Oh blacking up! No, I’m sorry! Back to the subject, there are 13 seconds with you Derek on the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now. DN: The most extraordinary person that I have ever met was a woman with amazing measurements, 38 breasts, 22... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: No woman could have 38 breasts! DN: I... I did establish... KW: I know, I know, you meant bust. DN: No! NP: He meant bust! DN: That’s why she was extraordinary! I mean I don’t expect a normal woman to have 38 breasts! It was just this particular woman, that’s why... NP: I think you deviated far too far... DN: The subject on the card is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. If I saw, if you saw a woman come in here with 38 breasts, would you not think that was a trifle odd? In fact, might you not say this was extraordinary? That was what I was doing. PJ: No, it’d only be odd if she had 37! NP: By any token, I think Peter Jones deserves the subject! He’s going to have it, he’s got his first point in this game actually. And he was our winner recently. Ah Peter you have four seconds to take over the subject of the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now. PJ: This woman wore evening dress with a cricket belt round her waist and she had... WHISTLE NP: Well that was one of those subjects that produced all the hilarity that we enjoy so much in the game. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, blowing bubbles. Talk on blowing bubbles, 60 seconds starting now. DN: I remember I used to be sat in my garden, in a little slot, with a bowl in front of me and a clay pipe with which to blow the bubbles. I used to push down the thing and away they would work, through the cherry blossom and through all kinds of manner of spring flowers... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he said through at least twice. NP: He did say through twice, yes, he repeated the word through. And so you have a correct challenge Peter, you take over the subject, a point for a correct challenge of course and there are 44 seconds for blowing bubbles starting now. PJ: Well it’s really no occupation for a grown man. Or a woman for that matter. They last very little time and they’re not particularly... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Men and women last for a very little time? PJ: The bubbles. NP: He had established in my mind that the bubbles didn’t last because we... PJ: Well, my God! If I established it in your mind, it should have been clear to Clement! NP: I can see we’re going to finish the series the way we started it! Yes! But in spite of the remarks I will show you how fair I am. Peter I disagree with the challenge so you have a point and you keep the subject, you have 37 seconds, blowing bubbles, starting now. PJ: And they’re not really very pretty. You can get the same effect by treading on a piece of orange peel in a puddle. All the same colours of the rainbow emerge. And of course they last a great deal longer. But blowing bubbles... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I did, didn’t I? NP: Yes. PJ: Yes you must remember. CF: There was a hesitation, it wasn’t very long. NP: I know and it wasn’t... CF: I wouldn’t allow it! NP: It wasn’t long enough to be penalised. CF: No, no I agree. NP: But you tried hard... CF: Yes I did. NP: ..as always. And there are 23 seconds on blowing bubbles still with Peter starting now. PJ: I suppose if I really set about it and could equip myself with the right kind of plastic and a pipe which would um... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: There was hesitation there, yes. There are 14, 13 seconds for blowing bubbles with you Derek starting now. DN: I’m forever blowing bubbles! Pretty bubbles in... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: What? CF: Forever blowing bubbles. NP: A clever challenge, we give Clement a bonus for his cleverness, Derek Nimmo a point for an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject and continues with 10 seconds starting now. DN: (singing) They fly so high, nearly reach the sky. (speaking voice) Shall we have a chorus all together? CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: One two three! (sings) I’m forever blowing bubbles... AUDIENCE SINGS WITH DN "I’M FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES" WHISTLE NP: Well that’s one point for Derek Nimmo for speaking when the whistle went and 10 points for the audience! In fact as there were quite a few, let’s give a hundred points to the audience and then they’ll be the winners at the end because they won’t be able to get that score, will they! Kenneth the subject is jockeys. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now. KW: They race down the course at Epsom and Ascot... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: They don’t! It’s the horses! NP: It’s a lovely challenge! Let’s give a point to Clement for that lovely challenge, but, but metaphorically speaking I’m sure that a lot of people say that jockeys are racing because they race on the horses. So Kenneth, keep the subject, you started with it and you have 51 seconds left starting now. KW: They have given their name to a most famous item of underwear. And everyone has reason to be deeply grateful for this incredible service. I have found... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well not everybody! Ladies don’t have to be grateful! NP: Well I think some ladies do wear jockey pants, don’t they? CF: And others are grateful to people who wear them! NP: No, it’s a good idea, but I don’t think actually, no, he was deviating from the subject... DN: But I mean sort of Hawaiian gentlemen aren’t grateful for jockey pants because they don’t wear them. What about all the Scottish listeners that we’ve got? Underneath their kilt they haven’t got any jockey pants. Not everyone is grateful to them! PJ: Sorry, the conversation’s going the same way again! NP: The garden worms aren’t grateful! Kenneth you continue with the subject, there are 41 seconds left with jockeys starting now. KW: A well established fact for jockeys is they need to be light, which is why I am such a brilliant exponent of the art. When I appear they cry "here he comes, Mr Lightweight himself!" "Always welcome at Newmarket, Ken boy!" they shout as I enter the arena wearing the colours of course of my favourite employer. Will I name him? No, obviously in a case like this, I’d better not because I would be accused, would I not, of a cheap publicity. And that is something I would never stoop to! No, I am a man of principle! You’ve only got to look at me and you say "here’s a jockey with principle! He’s never running a dirty race! He’s..." BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. KW: Oh, what was your challenge? CF: Two principles. But I take it back! KW: No, no, you have it boy! You have it Clement boy! Good old Clement boy! No, you go on, have a go, love! NP: Well Kenneth is very generously, he was really in full flow there, I think he’d almost won the race actually in his imagination! Um, but I’d love to see him on a horse! The um, Clement there are two and a half seconds with jockeys starting now. BUZZ NP: Yes, Peter Jones? PJ: Hesitation. NP: Yes! So it’s neck and neck still between our two leaders. There are one and a half seconds on jockeys with you Peter starting now. PJ: They’re not as nice as boxer shorts! WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo is still in the lead, Clement Freud has pulled up a little into second place, one ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth is in fourth place. And Peter begins the next round. Peter the subject is the writing on the wall. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well I saw this poster saying :in outer space no-one can hear you scream" and someone had written underneath... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Well it’s the writing on the wall, not on a poster. PJ: Well the poster was on the wall. CF: But the writing was on the poster. NP: Oh I think... all right, listen. I think we give him a point for a very clever challenge but he wasn’t strictly speaking deviating from the subject. So Peter keeps the subject... PJ: How can it be a clever challenge if he’s er challenging something that I haven’t done? I don’t understand. NP: Because the writing was on... PJ: I thought it was an idiotic challenge! NP: ...the poster, not on the wall. The poster was on the wall but the writing was on the poster so there’s a subtlety and so I give a point to him for spotting that... KW: You call that subtle? Oh dear! Hahaha! It’s like a cartload of monkeys! What rubbish! NP: Right Peter, the writing on the wall is still with you and you have 47 seconds left starting now. PJ: And I often find that on the walls of different places that I visit, the most amusing comments by humorists who are really quite inventive. Like the classic one: a happy Christmas to all our readers! I always enjoy that. It comes round at least once a year. And the er... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well there was a lot of erring going on. NP: Yes. He was er... KW: Hesitation. NP: He erred indeed there and there are 26 seconds for you to talk on the writing on the wall starting now. KW: The moving finger writes and having writ moves on. Nor all your prayers... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well if you can’t... I mean the finger can’t actually write. This is a Freud type challenge! It has to be, it has to be holding a pen, pencil, piece of chalk, ballpoint or whatever. NP: If we’re going to have all these kinds of metaphysical challenges... PJ: Is that metaphysical? NP: Well what the... I don’t know, you can’t... go on, do you want the audience to judge on this one? PJ: No, just the extra point, congratulations and move on! NP: Peter I think you’re absolutely incredible. Congratulations! That’s a marvellously clever and inventive challenge. PJ: Thank you very much. NP: You get a bonus point for that, I’ve never heard such subtlety and wit and metaphysical thinking and erudition. PJ: Very good. NP: And so you have a bonus point for your impossible challenge. PJ: Well done! NP: Kenneth Williams keeps the subject with 17 seconds on the writing on the wall starting now. KW: When something is presaged propitiously they often say he has seen the writing on the wall. Meaning that he has gained through this prescient nature some indication of what will occur in time... WHISTLE NP: So much to the pleasure of our audience Kenneth Williams kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and is still in fourth place. But he’s only just behind Peter Jones and he’s only one point behind our joint leaders who are now Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. This is the last show in the present series and so we’ve got a very apt subject, when we meet again, which we all ardently hope. So will you talk on the subject Derek in Just A Minute starting now. DN: When we meet again. Gosh! It can’t be for at least six months, I suppose. With any luck I hope perhaps we might never meet some of the people in this team ever again. But I suppose it could happen. But then when we do confront one another, we’ll have all the same boring things to say. We’ve been chatting to one another for the last 11 years... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged? KW: It’s deviation. He’s maintained that we have boring things to say! Me, boring? I mean that’s the most disgraceful allegation I’ve ever heard! Now everybody knows I am the spirit, the party spirit! People say to me you’re the life and soul! I mean they all think I’m the most diverting, original, brilliant, energetic creature that ever walked across the stage! And there he is sitting there, saying I talk boring rubbish! I mean! NP: Well I must say that is the first time, that’s the first time I’ve heard anybody promote themselves and get a round of applause for it! So by that do I assume that you mean that Kenneth Williams... I’m sorry, it’s my cold. Kenneth Williams’ challenge is correct and he should have the subject? CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth will you tell us something about when we meet again, and there are 37 seconds left, starting now. KW: When we meet again, the spirit of bwah! BUZZ KW: I meant to say joie de vivre! But then I thought bonnet over the windmill and it came out as bwah! I can’t make it bwah for long! Hahhahaha! I was dying to! NP: So Clement Freud challenged. KW: You can understand my predicament! NP: Yes, yes! We often... KW: I was ejaculating like mad then! NP: Clement what is your challenge? CF: Hesitation! NP: Yes there were a lot of other things as well. So this may be the last round so it looks as though we’re going to hear from all four of our worthy panelists. And there are 33 seconds left Clement for when we meet again starting now. CF: When we meet again there’s every likelihood that each of us will be wearing the same awful boring clothes which we now have on. Because if ever there was sartorially a shoddy show, this one has got to be it. With the occasional departure from total inelegance... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well I can’t allow him to drone on like this. Because he’s committing professional suicide by advertising! I mean a lot of people don’t realise it’s boring! They’ve been enjoying it! NP: And a lot of people know that there are some very well dressed people on this programme! Including yourself and Derek Nimmo and er, we’re not going to mention anyone else! So we’re going to hear from you which is very nice Peter! We’ve heard from everybody in this last round! There are 14 seconds, when we meet again, starting now. PJ: Well I only hope that we shall be given more interesting subjects! I’d like to talk about Marcel Proust in his later years for instance, and not have this subject given to Kenneth Williams... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of subjects. But we haven’t heard from Ian Messiter perhaps. NP: Well Ian Messiter, there are two seconds left. Will you take over the subject now of when we meet again starting now. IM: I’m very glad you’ve asked me to talk about the subject of when we’ll meet again because time’s up! WHISTLE NP: So Ian Messiter gets a point for speaking when the whistle went and at the end of that round, which is also the end of the contest, I will now give you the final score. Ian Messiter gained one point, he finishes in fifth place. He’s never spoken before in the game and he’s not likely to do it again! Three seconds he kept going so we must applaud him for his arduous attempts. If I haven’t mentioned it enough already this is the end of this particular series of Just A Minute so I’m sure each one of our four regular panelists would like to briefly say goodbye. So first of all Kenneth? KW: Byebye! And thank you ever so much! It’s been really wonderful for you to have me! NP: Clement, Clement Freud? CF: With which sentiment I would like to, I would like to associate myself. NP: You would! Peter Jones? PJ: I’ll say bye ditto, in case somebody buzzes me and accuses me of repetition! NP: And Derek Nimmo. DN: Good-bye. THEME MUSIC |
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