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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JANET BROWN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 May 1978)
NOTE: Janet Brown's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Janet Brown in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I’m going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can on the subject I will give them and they’re going to try and do it without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we begin the show with Clement Freud and Clement the subject is moose. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: This is a pretty difficult word especially if like our chairman you are partly educated in Scotland. Because if somebody came along and shouted “there’s a moose loose, you will take very different action depending on whether you thought it was a mouse or one of those animals with horns tied to its head, which Thurber drew so very expertly in his time. Equally a moose trap could be completely different depending on whether it was a piece of machinery designed to catch a chocolate covered coloured flavoured blacmange or a small Scottish mouse. And here again I would like to give the subject to Kenneth Williams because I’m sure he’s very good at it. And I will stop. BUZZ NP: Kenneth! And Kenneth did manage to pick up the cue and press his buzzer. So Kenneth what is your challenge? KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation, I suppose! NP: Yes that’s right! Coz Clement Freud had come to a halt and he managed to give the cue to Kenneth Williams who’s sitting next to him. Kenneth pressed his buzzer, so correct challenge, a point to Kenneth and he takes over the subject of moose and there are 14 seconds left starting now. KW: This is the sort of thing the hostess lands in your plate with a loud splot! And it looks thoroughly uninviting because, let’s not kid ourselves, it’s just another version of the old fashioned blacmange... WHISTLE NP: Well after 60 seconds Ian Messiter blows his whistle which he’s being doing so elegantly throughout our 11 years of life and tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever speaks at that moment gets an extra point, it was of course Kenneth Williams and he’s the only one to have scored in the first round which is very unusual. And Kenneth we’d like you to begin the next round. The subject, tension. And you can feel it vibrating in Just A Minute and Kenneth will you talk on the subject starting now. KW: Tension is what gives the line or rope or wire taut when the walker attempts that breath taking feat. Whether it be high in the circus, the big top, or from one ravine to another. And we wait, baited breath, hoping, will he make it? And incredibly he always does. Never do you hear about someone hurtling down from the high wire. Of course these kind of wires you know... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: Yes you have said of course before. KW: Oh well, if you’re all going to be pedagogic! NP: Clement there are 13 seconds on tension starting now. CF: Tension was the little known brother of Sir Edmund Hillary’s Sherpa who was known as Tensing and was almost 14 years older than his younger relative of almost unknown... WHISTLE NP: And we’re now with Peter Jones. Peter, my home town is the subject. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PETER JONES: Gwen in Shropshire, a small town. I can see the buildings now in my mind’s eye. The Hawkston Arms, the Albion, the Corbett, the Horse and Jockey, the White... I don’t want to repeat the word that I’ve used in connection with a previous hostelry. I will say the equine quadriped. BUZZ PJ: They’ve all gone! NP: Not anybody’s challenged! PJ: No I thought they’d all gone! NP: Yes Janet? JANET BROWN: A very big hesitation. NP: Size doesn’t matter in this game! It was a hesitation so Janet you have the subject of my home town and there are 33 seconds left starting now. JB: My home town is very dear to me. Possib.... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud? CF: Very big hesitation! NP: A very small hesitation but a definite one, and you have the subject Clement and of course a point for a correct challenge, 29 seconds, my home town, starting now. CF: My home town’s really more of a village although Southworld to the north and even Felixstowe to the south could be in a loose sort of way described as home towns. Perhaps Beckels and Bungee to the west are more closely my home town. It.... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation. It’s about my home town, we’ve had half a dozen home towns! How many has he got? CF: If you have a home village you’re entitled to choose! NP: I do think he was giving the relationship of his home town to the other ones. Peter Jones, yes? PJ: I think for his own reasons he was giving a plug to every town and village in his constituency! CF: No! NP: I think actually some of them were outside his constituency.... CF: All of them! NP: What’s that? Right, a bonus point to Peter Jones for a good challenge, Clement Freud keeps the subject... oh he gets a point because it was Kenneth who challenged originally and he still has 11 seconds, Clement, my home town starting now. CF: What really grieves me is that my home town is not in my constituency because March, Chatterys, Ely, Whittlesea, Whis Beach are all represented... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he’s still doing it! NP: No he is deviating now because they’re not... PJ: He’s deviating, that’s what I mean, he’s deviating... NP: He’s now talking about his constituency and not his home town. PJ: Exactly! NP: Exactly! Yes! I’m glad you picked that one up so quickly! PJ: I think, I think you ought to get a point for that Nicholas! NP: There’s half a second to go on my home town, Peter Jones, starting now. PJ: Gwen! WHISTLE NP: And at the end of that round Peter Jones having got the point for speaking as the whistle went, our three regulars have, are equal, one point behind our guest Janet Brown. And Janet your turn to begin. The subject is jelly. Will you tell us something about that wobbly subject in Just A Minute starting now. BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation! NP: No! Janet has another point for an incorrect challenge.... JB: You see! NP: There are 50... What a way to treat a guest! JB: You see! You were trying to throw me there just as I was getting my thoughts together... CF: I don’t think we should have women on this show! JB: ... you pressed that buzzer! I saw the look on your face! KW: You’re supposed to breathe before he gives you the cue! JB: Well I did breathe but you were looking out at the audience and didn’t see it! KW: Oh I see! JB: Now... NP: She was wobbling like a jelly! Getting in the right mood! JB: Thank you! NP: So lovely Janet Brown will you tell us about jellies in 59 seconds left starting now. JB: Taking a deep breath... I would just like to say that jellies always conjure up for me the picture of painting the dining room wall. This may seem at first a strange statement to make. But when I explain to you that some years ago I gave a birthday party for one of my children. And many small boys and girls came along that day and filled the dining room, seated round the table, gazing in rapture at all the different colourful, ah, cakes... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I’m afraid so, 26 seconds on jelly Clement starting now. CF: Jelly’s really rather one of my favourite foods. Called jello in the United States, and is flavoured with any sort of fruit or essence, or indeed spice. I’ve had cinammon jelly as well as lime, raspberry, strawberry, peach, even meringue on top of jelly was particularly delicious, and was served by my wife at a children’s birthday party on the 24th of November, 1900 and 68. And I remember the day particularly... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud, we’re back with you, the subject is still. S-t-i-double l, no I... the spelling doesn’t matter! Just will you talk on the subject of still starting now. CF: This is something which you can make in your own back yard and produce the most delicious drink. In fact no self respecting household in our... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, he says you can. Now I won’t have the public led astray. He says you can do this, no you can’t, it’s illicit! Absolutely against the law! And we all know that the places.... NP: No, no... KW: ... he’s going on to discuss in Ireland, shabeems... NP: No, no... KW: ... they’re known as, are absolutely disgraceful... NP: Kenneth! KW: People sitting down there getting half stoned out of their minds! NP: Kenneth! Kenneth! It’s illegal if you sell it after you’ve made it... CF: Oh no! NP: It’s not illegal to do it! KW: It is illegal to run a still. PJ: It’s quite... KW: I can assure you! I happen to know a member of the Metropolitan... NP: Ian Messiter has just revealed to all of us here that he’s got one in the back of his garden. KW: Well then he ought to be prosecuted! NP: But he’s not.... PJ: That great and good man Lord Berkett, the late Lord Berkett, said that it was illegal to make alcohol in private or water in public! NP: Peter Jones, I will... CF: Can I just say that it is illegal if you don’t declare it to the Customs and Excise. NP: That’s right... CF: Because everybody in Ireland before they.... NP: Clement, Clement keep it for the things because you have the still where you’re not making alcohol and it needn’t be illegal so I disagree with the challenge, you continue with 51 seconds starting now. CF: A pot still is really the very best one of its kind. And you can make your shabeem or pottine as it’s sometimes called with almost any ingredient provided there is a yeast or yeast producing, hyphen that is, one to the other, ingredient among it. And I, I suggest that... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Definitely, yes! I was thinking about the yeast! Thirty seconds for you Kenneth on the subject of still starting now. KW: As Alfred O’Shaughnessy rightly remarked there is nothing more that becomes a man than being still! And you will note that is my constant preoccupation. I view it as a compliment when anyone says to me “you’re curiously immobile aren’t you?” And I always reply “yes, I steer clear of exercise ever since I was born, I can tell you that much for nothing. I’m not for jog trotting round in track suits... WHISTLE NP: Well Kenneth kept going till the whistle went, he gained the extra point, he’s in second place one point behind Janet Brown, just ahead of Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And I can’t think of a less still person I’ve ever met in all my life! He’s always jigging and jumping about! Ah Kenneth it’s your turn to begin. Ah the historical question we get every week. This week it’s Robert Houdin. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Yes well of course he means (spelled as he pronounces it) Robeer Houdarn. And ninety-old. I know little about that period anyway, shall we say. 1805 he was born and became an internationally famous prestigateur. Probably the only man of his ilk to be ordered by the Government of his country which was France, naturally as you’ll have gathered by my pronounciation, to go and outdo the Maribouts which as you know were allegedly working soem sort of miracle. And saying “hey presto!” and up came a load of spectres or whatever you like to call on them, depending on your proclivities. I don’t much approve of him. And when Orson Welles was forced to give an afternoon performance he remarked at the curtain “I would like... WHISTLE NP: What did he remark at the curtain? KW: Well Orson said at the curtain call, as it was an afternoon performance and he hated giving them, he said at the curtain call “I would just like to mention Robert Houdin who in the 14th century invented the vanishing bird cage trick and the theatre matinee, may he rot and perish!” NP: Well that was the stillest performance we’ve ever had and Kenneth Williams, started with the subject, and finished with the subject, got an extra point for not being interrupted and one for speaking when the whistle went and he’s now in the lead ahead of Janet Brown. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject, gold. Will you tell us something about that precious substance in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: I once had a marvellous weekend camping in New South Wales and went to a place called Newend which was an old mining town, ghost like it was. And I was panning there with a pan and got three tiny little bits of gold, about the size of a match-head. And I put them in the little bottle that my friend provided for me, you have to keep them in water or otherwise they get lost. Unless you get a large quantity and keep it in a bag. And... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of keep. NP: Yes I’m afraid so Peter, you have 30 and one half seconds on the subject of gold Clement starting now. CF: It’s always seemed unacceptable that the currencies of the world are based on a totally unacceptable metal which comes from a country. I’ve now said unacceptable twice. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. CF: It just seemed important to make the point! NP: Which you did very well. But Kenneth picked it up and Kenneth you take over the subject of gold, with 18 seconds left starting now. KW: I saw the most imposing edifice in Rangoon covered in gold leaf called the Shradagon Pagoda. And a friend said to me as we left “I wish shrayda (as in we’d have) gone!” which I thought... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: No, he said Shardagon pagoda and I wish we’d have gone. In other words he was putting the English and the other one was the um... CF: Oh very good! Very good decision! PJ: It’s all in the rule book! He told me earlier on! CF: Yes! PJ: A foreign language! NP: That was the Burmese version and then he said... CF: I’m sorry we have chairmen on the show now! NP: Five seconds are left Kenneth, gold, starting now. KW: Few people know that when Nero was very young and quite beautiful, he has his head covered in... WHISTLE NP: Well once again Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went and got an extra point and has slightly increased his lead. And Janet Brown, your turn to begin. The subject, parrots. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. JB: Some years ago a friend of mine went off on holiday and she asked me if I would look after her home and her three children. But one thing she didn’t say was the fact that there was a parrot in the house. I walked into the room, saw the parrot’s cage and then saw the parrot. I was told by the children that his name was Henry. I later found out that he also had belonged to an opera singer at one time. And before I’d been in the room very many minutes I suddenly heard “lalalala! lalalala! lalalala! lalalala!” This was Henry singing for me. No sooner had I looked over at the cage and said “hello” to the bird than he turned round and said to me “go to bed, go to bed!” Well this I didn’t go for very kindly and I wondered what I could do about looking after this bird. The children said to me “well of course he has to be covered every evening” and as I didn’t know what kind of thing to cover the cage, I asked the children and they immediately went to the drawer, brought out a piece of material and said “this is what you have to put over Henry’s cage”. It looked very beautiful, the.... WHISTLE NP: Because you enjoyed Janet Brown so much, they wanted Janet to go on because she was lalalalala! If that wasn’t repetition... JB: It’s true you know! It’s perfectly true! NP: Yes but what a repetition of la! JB: Well yes I know! NP: Janet they let you have it because they love to listen to you, you got two points at the end of that round and you’re in second place behind Kenneth Williams and whose turn is it begin? Clement Freud. Clement, what I do to win this game. Now there is a revealing subject, are they going to be honest or not give their little tricks away and you’ll hear in a few moments with Clement starting now. CF: There’s really no way of winning this game while Nicholas Parsons remains chairman. He’s just so totally unpredictable and seems to make new rules from week to other seven day period. One cannot in anyway plan for victory. It is... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation. It’s patently obvious that’s a pack of lies. You’re one of the fairest and most honourable chairmen! NP: So... CF: Can we put that to the audience? NP: All right! The only thing I can do, I’m not going to judge on myself. So if you agree with Kenneth’s challenge you cheer for Kenneth and if you disagree you boo for Clement, and remember you’re doing it about me! And remember I am quite athletic still at my old geriatric age, I can come amongst you and the doors are locked! Cheer and boo and all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP:Thank you! Vindicated! You’re darlings! Will you come again next week! And Kenneth Williams you got a legitimate challenge and you have 43 seconds to win this game Clem, Kenneth starting now. KW: To indulge in the kind of verbal pyrotechnics and blind them with science! And say ending in I-T, four letter word, found at the bottom of a bird cage, the answer is grit! And everyone is astonished at the sheer verbal dexterity of the man. They say how could he be so clever and so lovely.... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged you. PJ: Repetition of verbal. NP: Yes there was a repetition of verbal. It’s very difficult for me.. KW: He listens well doesn’t he! NP: Yes I know, I was having great difficulty! KW: You listen well for your age! NP: So we... PJ: It’s hard work! NP: We’re going to hear from Peter Jones on this subject and there are 24 seconds left, what I do to win this game Peter starting now. PJ: One of the difficulties I have... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He doesn’t win this game! NP: A point for a very good challenge, but we leave the subject with Peter, he wasn’t deviating from the subject, because it doesn’t matter if he wins or not, it’s what he does to try and win the game. But the subject is what I do to try and win the game Peter starting now. PJ: I keep my thumb firmly on the buzzer because I have a rather longer wire than the others... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation. He doesn’t keep it on the buzzer, I’ve seen his finger in all kinds of other places! PJ: My thumb I’m talking about! I don’t keep my finger, I keep my thumb on it! NP: Yes I disagree with your challenge.... PJ: Thank you very much! NP: ...entirely! Suggesting all kind of things because that lovely girl Janet Brown is sitting beside you! Peter you still have the subject of what I do to win this game and there are 17 seconds starting now. PJ: Time elapses before they get the message at the other end and the light goes on, and the buzzer sounds... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of buzzer. NP: Yes you did mention buzzer before. PJ: Yes I’m afraid I did. NP: So Clement you’re have 11 seconds to continue telling us what I do to win this game starting now. CF: I wait till somebody says buzzer twice. And then I press the... button.... BUZZ NP: So Janet Brown came in there, Janet what is your challenge? JB: Repetition of the word buzzer. NP: Yes well done yes! KW: No he said button. JB: Oh I thought he said buzzer. NP: No I thought.... PJ: He hesitated before he said button. KW: Ah but you should have said that shouldn’t you? You didn’t! Hahahahahaha! Ah my dear friend! Victorious! Oh my dear distinguished friend! NP: Right your dear distinguished friend has got another point and there are five seconds on what I do to win this game starting now. CF: It is a little known fact that you win the game much more easily if you interrupt other people.... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round with Clement Freud having got a point for speaking as the whistle went, the situation is in descending order and with only one point separating each one of them, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Janet Brown and Peter Jones. And Kenneth, your turn to begin. The subject, oh I’m sure this has been chosen for you Kenneth. Genius. Will you tell us something about genius in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Of course it’s something that I am tremendously sympatico with, and always respond with enormous enthusiasm to whenever I encounter it, either in life itself or in history, literature, the plastic arts, painting. I mean these are things in which genius continuously manifests itself. And ennobles us, lifts us all in the process! Even as we gaze upon the incredible Michelangelo David statue we think “ooh how marvellous!” I mean he makes an ordinary person seem incredibly God like! And in those limbs we see the.... WHISTLE NP: It really is Kenneth’s week, isn’t it! KW: Well I did drag it out a bit! NP: Yes I was just going to say you now see one of the things that Kenneth Williams does to win the game! He does manage to put fewer words into Just A Minute than anybody else! PJ: But more syllables! NP: The next person to speak is Peter Jones and the subject is my favourite film and will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: My favourite film was called Fanny By Gaslight, which I appeared in many years ago. And it was a favourite because I was paid real money for the first time ever for.. making... an appearance... in a moving... picture.... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, he was trying to emulate the style of Kenneth Williams, I think... PJ: No I wasn’t! That’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever said! NP: All right then! Clement Freud a correct challenge and there are 41 seconds, my favourite film, starting now. CF: My favourite film, starting now, was a wartime publicity film starring Robert Banks, an elderly actor, and he appeared as a sailor and said, “I stood on the Quay and looked out to sea, And I heard a sailor crying to me, One clear call from the sea to the shore, We need more ships to win the war, Speed them, we need them, down the slips, Destroyers, Corvettes, and battle ships, For these are the means and the only to keep this shore inviolate From rapine murder and Nazi hate.” I recall seeing it in Totness, a small market town in Devon, near where.... WHISTLE NP: And there wasn’t a dry eye in the house as Clement’s memory didn’t fail him and he brought forth that piece of poetry. But let me give you the final score. Peter Jones did this week after those cracks earlier on, did finish just in fourth place, just a little behind our guest Janet Brown who did very well. Clement Freud almost caught up with our leader, he finished only one point behind this week’s winner Kenneth Williams. KW: Thank you, oh thank you Nicholas, thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! Oh it was well deserved! NP: A popular win and most popular of all of course with Kenneth Williams! We do hope you’ve enjoyed the show, we hope you’ve enjoyed it in the audience here and particularly our listeners have enjoyed it. From all of us here, goodbye. ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell. THEME MUSIC |
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